The Biblical Training of Our Children, Part 2

Driving home: Do not, in the administration of the training of your children, do not unnecessarily provoke them to carnal anger. Do not carry out the administration of your nurture in such a way as to create a climate that is constant…

A hypothetical scenario where a child misinterprets the sermon's teaching to justify disobedience by claiming parental rules make them angry, illustrating the need for careful distinction in the command.

Now he does not say, don't ever make your children angry. Some of you might go home and say, oh boy, that's great. Next time dad tells me I've got to be in at 11, I'll say, that makes me angry. And Pastor Martin, you preach, you're not supposed to make me angry.

7:52 - 8:07 Read in full sermon

Driving home: Do not provoke them in such a way as to cause them to lose heart. Now bring the two things together and what do you find the apostle emphasizing? You find him emphasizing on the one hand that in parental molding of our c…

Paul's commendation of the Macedonians' generosity provoking other Christians is used to show that 'provoke' can mean stirring up virtue, contrasting with its negative use in parenting.

That is, do not unnecessarily create situations which will either stir up in them the sinful passion of anger or even stir up righteous anger, because the moment there is anger, there is an adversarial relationship. And the nurture of our children cannot effectively be carried on in an adversarial relationship. Now for further light on what he means, we turn to the parallel passage in Colossians 3, which brings in another nuance that is most helpful. In the parallel passage in Colossians 3, we read in verse 21, Fathers, provoke not your children that they be not discouraged. Now the word he us...

8:21 - 9:47 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin details specific actions that provoke children to anger: excessive discipline, partiality/favoritism, hypocrisy/double standards, and neglect/insensitivity.

Matthew Henry's analogy of discipline as medicine is quoted to warn against excessive discipline, which loses its effect and spoils a child's appetite for wholesome instruction.

Matthew Henry said, discipline is medicine. But he who feeds his child with medicine as his normal fare will find soon that the medicine has no effect upon him and the child has no appetite for wholesome food. And there are fathers who either out of a distorted view of what it is to nurture their children, or out of a horribly unmortified strain of carnal meanness, are excessive in the discipline of their children. And children, even in their fallen state, have an innate sense of fairness.

15:46 - 16:30 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin details specific actions that provoke children to anger: excessive discipline, partiality/favoritism, hypocrisy/double standards, and neglect/insensitivity.

The biblical account of Jacob and Esau, and later Jacob's sons with Joseph, illustrates the destructive effects of parental partiality and favoritism, leading to anger and sibling strife.

And when you've stepped over that boundary of fairness again and again in excessive discipline, you inevitably provoke those children to anger in direct violation of this negative injunction. Then there is, secondly, the horrible sin of partiality and favoritism. You see it exemplified in Genesis 25, 28 in the case of Jacob and Esau. You see the horrible effects of it in the case of the sons of Jacob.

16:30 - 17:07 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin details specific actions that provoke children to anger: excessive discipline, partiality/favoritism, hypocrisy/double standards, and neglect/insensitivity.

A scenario where parents demand apologies from children but fail to model humility and apology in their own marital conflicts, highlighting the hypocrisy that provokes children to anger.

They see you ready to put the belt or your hand upon their backside when they have wronged one of their siblings, and you force them to say, I'm sorry, I was wrong, will you forgive me? And yet they hear your angry words to your wife, and they never hear you saying, Honey, I was wrong, I sinned, will you forgive me? They never see you gathering the family together saying, Kids, we know you overheard Mom and Dad having heated words. Dad is the one who provoked that situation.

18:15 - 18:55 Read in full sermon

Driving home: Personality schmality, my friend. It's nothing to do with personality. It has to do with biblical principles. God is the great communicator.

A vivid description of a father's insensitivity to a daughter seeking affection, illustrating how neglect and emotional distance can provoke anger and bitterness in children, especially teenagers.

A pattern of neglect and insensitivity. There are times when in the strange development of the independent judgment and the will of a child that the child pushes to know whether or not there is a wall of protection around him that will save us far and no further. And if you want to provoke your children to anger, just neglect the child so you don't feel when he's pushing and your antennae are not out picking up the signals when they're asking for attention, when your son just wants to have a walk with you to try to find out what's going on in his mind and in his body as an emerging teenage boy...

19:50 - 21:09 Read in full sermon

Driving home: Personality schmality, my friend. It's nothing to do with personality. It has to do with biblical principles. God is the great communicator.

A personal reflection on a father who never talked, leading to anger and frustration, and how this pattern can be perpetuated in subsequent generations, disguised as 'personality'.

Neglect and insensitivity and closely akin to it in the fifth place by weaving about yourself a cocoon of silence. The non-verbal pomp. How many a child has been made angry and bitter because dad simply won't talk. He had a dad who never talked.

21:35 - 22:02 Read in full sermon

Driving home: Personality schmality, my friend. It's nothing to do with personality. It has to do with biblical principles. God is the great communicator.

A personal anecdote about childhood name-calling ('big nose,' 'blockhead,' 'Dago') and the saying 'sticks and stones,' used to emphasize that words from a father can inflict deeper, lasting wounds than physical injury.

You remember that little ditty we used to say as kids? When one of the neighbor kids head, hey, old big nose. Or when they found out I had Swedish blood in me, they'd call me blockhead. The same way we'd find out someone was Italian, we'd call him Dago or Wop.

23:46 - 24:05 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Additional ways fathers provoke anger include a cocoon of silence, bitter/demeaning words, imprecise expectations, inordinate control, and living out unfulfilled frustrations…

Martin shares a personal story about his son's lack of athletic interest versus his daughter Beth's natural talent for hitting a baseball, illustrating the folly of parents living out their unfulfilled fantasies through their children.

Living your own fantasy life through your kids. We heard this morning about how nature teaches us certain things. Does not nature itself teach you that sometimes that son that you wished would be born with your athletic ability is born with just a modicum and lo and behold it's your daughter that's got more native athletic ability than your son? I speak from experience.

27:30 - 28:01 Read in full sermon

The point: If you are provoking your children to anger or discouragement through any of the mentioned patterns, stop it immediately and do not start again.

An extended analogy of a high jump coach setting an impossibly high bar for a new athlete, illustrating how unrealistic standards provoke discouragement and cause children to 'lose heart,' contrasting it with a wise coach's approach.

Don't provoke your children to lose heart by setting unrealistic standards. Picture the kid who goes out the first day of track tryouts and he says you know coach I've been told that I got the build of a high jumper and I think maybe I fooled around a little bit in the backyard and someone taught me how to do a scissors kick in the old western role I haven't tried the flop yet I feel I need to be taught but I think I maybe could make the track team as a high jumper. What do you think coach? And he looks him over and he says yeah I think maybe.

31:07 - 31:38 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

Paul's ability to find something to praise in the 'messed up' Corinthian church is used to argue that parents can always find something to praise in their children, countering the tendency to only point out faults.

If the Apostle Paul can write these words to that messed up church at Corinth there's usually something in your kids you can praise. He could write in chapter 11 and verse 2 these amazing words. Having already had to deal with so many abnormalities and more yet to deal with. I praise you that you remember me in all things and hold fast the traditions even as I deliver them unto you.

33:47 - 34:21 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

The biblical analogy of a contentious wife being like a dripping faucet is applied to nagging parents, illustrating how constant harping causes children to lose heart.

If Paul can find something to praise in the Corinthian church you can find something to praise in your children. Fathers do not provoke them to lose heart by setting unrealistic standards by failing to give verbal reinforcement and praise for well doing. Do not make them lose heart by nagging and harping on matters. Everything the Bible says about a contentious wife being like the dripping of a faucet.

34:21 - 34:55 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

God's repeated declarations of love for His people ('everlasting love,' 'How can I give you up, O Ephraim?') are presented as a model for fathers to verbally express affection to their children.

By robbing your children of the physical and verbal expressions of affection which you owe them. Many a child loses heart because mom and dad and particularly dad the authority figure in the home never touches, never hugs never embraces and never says I love you. I tell you men if we're to be fathers like God God has opened his mouth and told us again and again of his love. I have loved thee with an everlasting love. Oh Ephraim how can I give you up? You're so degenerate and apostate if I'm to be true to the covenant I must give you up. But I'm so bound in covenant love to you how can I give y...

35:24 - 36:31 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

The figure of a shepherd taking a lamb in his bosom is used to illustrate God's physical intimacy and love, encouraging fathers to express physical affection.

God's not ashamed to say to his people I love you. And all the pictures of his embraces God uses the figure of his love as the figure of the intimate relationship of the shepherd who takes the lamb in his bosom. There is the physical intimacy of the shepherd with his sheep. The scriptures give us such pictures of God showing his love indeed as well as in word.

36:31 - 37:05 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

A moving story of a 20-year-old preacher's son who, after hearing Martin's sermon, received his first hug and 'I love you' from his father since infancy, illustrating the profound impact of withheld affection.

And when John says my little children let us not love in word only he's assuming that's the easiest and most normal but indeed and in truth. One of the most moving experiences I had at the last conference was after touching on this issue. A 20 year old young man came to me son of a preacher. His face was glowing.

37:05 - 37:30 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

The father's actions in the parable of the prodigal son (running, embracing, kissing) are used to demonstrate that physical and verbal expressions of love are not effeminate but biblical and Christ-like.

Try it you may like it. You say that's effeminate. Show me from this book was it effeminate when the prodigal frozen in his tracks by his shame had the father run to him. Read the text carefully.

38:07 - 38:36 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

Martin shares how his 27-year-old son consistently hugs him and says 'I love you,' and how this pattern has been adopted by his adopted grandson and granddaughter, illustrating a climate of verbalized and physical love.

And that's a picture of our Savior. I'm not at all ashamed to say my 27 year old son would no more think a shake in my hand in church in front of five or six hundred people than spitting in my eye. I'd feel insulted if he gave me just a handshake at the door. He's my son!

38:51 - 39:13 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin identifies actions that cause children to lose heart: setting unrealistic standards, failing to give verbal reinforcement/praise, nagging, and robbing them of physical and…

A woman in her early thirties recounts receiving only a handshake and 'good luck' from her father when leaving for school, highlighting the lasting pain of a father's lack of expressed affection.

That's your job dad. Don't provoke them to anger. Don't provoke them to lose heart. Last night after the meeting I sat with a woman in her early thirties who said when I went off to school and left my dad all I got was a handshake and good luck.

41:11 - 41:40 Read in full sermon

The point: Constantly pray for holy discernment to know your children, establishing verbal communication and being willing to talk about 'silly banal things' to get to their deeper concerns.

Martin describes how his wife served as his 'in-house Nathaness,' helping him recognize and repent of unmortified patterns of anger and insensitivity that were affecting his children, emphasizing the need for self-knowledge and vulnerability.

You see the thing that's eating at their gut is here but then there's about four pints of just froth on top of it and you've got to sit and wait and get all that froth pumped out, pumped out, pumped out, pumped out until you feel Lord if I get one more ounce of froth I'm going to barf. But you hang in there and you realize my grace is sufficient for thee and you say Lord give me grace to hang in there something's in her gut something is in his gut it's eating Lord they haven't got it out yet Lord give me grace to even look interested and there are times I can remember as a parent Lord give me ...

43:08 - 44:37 Read in full sermon

The point: Wives, learn the holy art of getting to your husband's conscience with loving subtlety, like Nathan to David, when he is rationalizing his sin, and hold your ground until he humbles himself.

The story of Nathan confronting David about his sin is used to illustrate how wives can lovingly and subtly appeal to their husbands' consciences, even when direct argument fails.

go to his conscience and stick at his conscience even when he gives you a string of arguments that would seem to carry a court of law when he's all done and you can't answer all his arguments go after his conscience and stick at it until he humbles himself that's being a helper answering to his need what's he need when he's rationalizing not a wife that's a pushover a wife that'll lovingly point his sin out and hold her spiritual finger under his nose until he bends now you wives you've got to learn the holy art of putting a little perfume on your finger you've got to learn the holy art of get...

47:32 - 48:58 Read in full sermon

The point: Be willing to be vulnerable to your children by periodically asking them to evaluate you as a parent, accepting the humbling but salutary feedback.

An extended quotation from a preacher of another generation lists historical ways fathers provoked children: denying just allowance, unrighteous commands (Saul/Jonathan, Herodias), compelling servile actions, and demeaning words.

it means we've got to increasingly know ourselves and what are the patterns that we are falling into that may be provoking them to anger or provoking them to lose heart and here we must be willing to be vulnerable to our children how many of you sit down periodically with your children and ask them to evaluate you as a parent it's humbling but I tell you it's salutary what have you got to lose except a little pride that ought to be nailed to the cross anyway what have you got to lose except some unmortified carnal pattern of life that ought to be put to death anyway you fathers do not provoke ...

48:58 - 50:27 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Finally, children are moldable and undeveloped, as seen in Jesus's own growth, and susceptible to both common and special grace, with godly parental nurture being a primary…

An imaginative analogy of baby Jesus learning to eat spaghetti and teenage Jesus making mistakes in Joseph's carpenter shop, illustrating that Jesus's growth in wisdom and stature meant He was moldable and undeveloped, not sinful.

if they used forks and spoons in Palestine of course as far as I know they didn't after our kind but let's contemporize the situation and she feels it's time to go putting the food into his mouth and let the Lord Jesus the baby the young child Jesus sitting in his high chair this is his coming out day when he's going to have his first bowl of spaghetti and he's going to try to get it in his mouth with his own fork do you think the Lord Jesus hit the target every time no I'm sure he had spaghetti from his ear to his navel yes because the scripture says and Jesus under the tutelage of Mary and J...

69:23 - 70:51 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Finally, children are moldable and undeveloped, as seen in Jesus's own growth, and susceptible to both common and special grace, with godly parental nurture being a primary…

A story of a teenager who honestly forgets curfew due to an engrossing basketball game, contrasted with a father's immediate, harsh discipline, illustrating the failure to distinguish between willful sin and natural immaturity.

he grew in social graces he never did anything that was sinful but he did a thousand things that were natural in the maturation of ordinary humanity oh my dear parents nurture me Prosecutor лаг Store home the difference between the severe rebuke about the teenage son who deliberately and willfully and with the High Handed Rebellion breaks the curfew of eleven o'clock on Friday night in the absent mind the teenager who literally honestly forgot to bring his watch on their third game of hoops and the score was tied and everyone was tired and everyone was blocking everyone's shot and throwing up ...

72:20 - 73:34 Read in full sermon

The point: Learn the difference between willful sin and natural immaturity or forgetfulness in children, nurturing them with understanding rather than harsh discipline for non-sinful actions.

A humorous personal anecdote about Martin and his wife frequently misplacing their glasses, used to illustrate that adults also forget things, and that not all forgetfulness in children is sinful.

It's a standing joke with my wife and me now. We've got the lost glasses syndrome.

73:41 - 73:46 Read in full sermon