Sibling Relationships

In this part of the sermon: Pastor Martin introduces the ninth cassette in his series on 'How Not to Foul Up the Training of Your Children,' focusing on maintaining a spiritual, emotional, and physical…

The metaphor of 'noxious, spiritual and emotional radon and asbestos' illustrates how a lack of warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill between husband and wife poisons the entire home atmosphere for children.

We are presently concerned with the issue of seeking to maintain a spiritual, emotional, and physical climate in the home which is conducive to godly, wholesome nurture. And we have said that such a climate will be marked by warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill, as opposed to coldness, distance, alienation, and ill-will. Now the categories in which the climate must be nurtured, which we've already addressed, are, first of all, the husband-wife relationship, and we did not spend a lot of time on it because that is not the particular concern, but we did need to at least address it so that...

0:38 - 2:04 Read in full sermon

The point: As parents, we must be committed to the attaining and maintaining of a climate of warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill among the siblings in our home.

Martin describes observing many Christian homes where a climate of strife, particularly among siblings, soured the dinner table, highlighting parental obliviousness or inability to address it.

Are full of strife between one another. And carry that contentious spirit to the table and sour everything that is spread upon that table. And I've been amazed over the years at how many Christian homes I've been in where one could feel the climate of strife, particularly when gathered at the table. And the head of that household...

8:58 - 9:27 Read in full sermon

Driving home: All we like sheep have gone astray, we've turned every one to what? His own way. 2 Corinthians 5.15, that we should no longer live unto ourselves, but unto him who died for us and rose again.

The biblical account of Cain murdering Abel is used as the first and most extreme example of sibling rivalry, demonstrating the staggering problems arising from human sin.

Now, once two self-centered, selfish people occupy the same turf, there are going to be problems. Because each one feels he has a right to do on the turf what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and how he wants to do it. And the whole terminology of sibling rivalry may be relatively new, but it's very interesting when we turn to the word of God that the first instance of sibling rivalry resulted in murder in the case of the first two children born of the human race. God created Adam and Eve.

13:51 - 14:26 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: The second general principle is the necessity of recognizing the difficulty and limitations of this goal due to the ugly reality of human sin. Martin explains that universal…

Martin describes the frustration godly parents feel when trying to discern the truth in sibling disputes, wishing for God's omniscience to sort out culpability, and how this can stir up their own remaining sin.

In dealing with our children, and their sibling relationships, we are dealing with children in whom either sin reigns in their unregenerate state or in whom sin remains in their regenerate state. And we as parents are dealing with them as those in whom sin yet remains and can be very active and can be provoked to a level of frightening activity in our frustration. Frustrations in dealing with sibling problems among our own children. How many times has a godly parent who sought to obey John 7.24 judge not according to appearance but judge righteous judgment. How many times has he felt the frust...

17:36 - 18:38 Read in full sermon

Driving home: The third principle is we must not underestimate the power of God exerted in God appointed means whether in common or prevenient grace.

The analogy from Proverbs 27:22 of braying a fool in a mortar with a pestle is used to illustrate that folly, once ingrained in an adult, is almost impossible to remove, emphasizing the importance of early intervention.

And my concern is that in thinking of this aspect of our task that we do not underestimate the power of God exerted in His own appointed means whether in common grace or prevenient grace. And what do I mean by those means that God has appointed? Well, if you'll turn to Proverbs chapter 27 and verse 22 and compare it with Proverbs 22 verse 15. Though you should bray a fool in a mortal with a pestle along with bruised grain, yet will not his foolishness depart from him. Here's a very...

23:19 - 24:11 Read in full sermon

The point: Do not tolerate impolite, abusive, or uncontrolled verbal exchanges between your children.

Martin provides the example of a child interrupting parents without saying 'excuse me' to illustrate impoliteness, arguing that allowing this confirms the child's self-centeredness and belief that their needs are paramount.

And so the activity of the mouth and the tongues of our children are one of the most inescapable and undeniable witnesses to universal depravity and guilt for human sin. And therefore you and I must be committed to maintaining a climate in our homes where impolite, abusive, or uncontrolled verbal exchanges are not tolerated. Now what do I mean by impolite? Well, impoliteness is a self-centered person who wants to speak and is utterly indifferent to everyone else when he or she wants to talk. Mommy and Daddy may be speaking and so the child's got something he or she wants to say, comes running ...

29:27 - 30:51 Read in full sermon

The point: You must determine that you will not allow impolite speech, interrupting without saying, excuse me. Give me this without saying, please. Receiving something and allowing the child to keep it without making him say, thank…

Manners and politeness are described as 'the language and the symbols of selflessness,' which do not grow natively on sinful soil but must be taught by parents to alleviate the 'hellish existence' of self-centered sinners living together.

But by thy words, thou should be justified and by thy words, thou should be condemned. And it is by means of polite speech that we are seeking to create a climate in which this child is saying to mommy and daddy and to the siblings, what you're talking about is important enough for me to wait until I find a break and say, excuse me. You see, words of politeness are not just social customs imposed by middle-class white America. Every society has its own set of social customs which grow up in the realm of common grace if they are customs that are not evil in order to alleviate the otherwise hell...

31:51 - 33:09 Read in full sermon

The point: Don't allow the others to call him or her fatty or fatso or tubby. You're allowing the siblings to take the stick of verbal abuse and the whack of the tender soul of another sibling. Don't allow it! Don't permit it.

The common saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me' is refuted, with words described as 'a stick to hurt or a pin to poke,' emphasizing the real pain caused by verbal abuse.

And you, as a parent, are responsible to inculcate them. Don't tolerate impolite speech. Don't tolerate abusive speech. It simply is not true that sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.

33:09 - 33:28 Read in full sermon

The point: Don't allow the others to call him or her fatty or fatso or tubby. You're allowing the siblings to take the stick of verbal abuse and the whack of the tender soul of another sibling. Don't allow it! Don't permit it.

The example of siblings calling a chubby child 'fatty' or 'tubby' is used to illustrate abusive speech, which parents must not allow as it constitutes verbal abuse.

Words do hurt. And any words that are used as a stick to hurt or a pin to poke, you must not allow among your children. One of them may have a tendency to be a bit chubby. Don't allow the others to call him or her fatty or fatso or tubby.

33:28 - 33:49 Read in full sermon

The point: Don't make your children say to the person they've offended, tell your brother you're sorry. Saying you're sorry is telling someone how you feel. That isn't the concern. The concern is they have wronged them and they nee…

Martin recounts his mother's wise approach to sibling fights: if both were involved, both were guilty and would be disciplined, as one should have been a peacemaker. This illustrates a practical way to handle conflicts when facts are hard to ascertain.

And as the head of your home, you must likewise give specific directives to your children for the resolving of conflicts between them. Do not tolerate unresolved conflicts between your children. Once you've sought to obtain the facts, and that's the difficult thing so many times that frustrates parents, John 7, 24, you want to judge righteous judgment and trying to get the facts. When one says he started it, she started it, he did this, she did that, you may have to end up doing what I thought was very wise when my mother would say, well, there was a fight, was there?

39:08 - 39:47 Read in full sermon

The point: Don't make your children say to the person they've offended, tell your brother you're sorry. Saying you're sorry is telling someone how you feel. That isn't the concern. The concern is they have wronged them and they nee…

Martin describes a common wrong pattern where parents allow children to sulk in their rooms to let tension 'blow over,' leading to adults who don't know how to resolve conflicts biblically, requiring pastoral counseling years later.

And then in the language of 2 Corinthians 2, 7 and 8, seek to get them to confirm their love one to another. Some of the wrong patterns that I've seen even in Trinity churches, siblings have tension and parents allow one of the kids to go off into his room and sulk and just stay there till the tension blows over. The issue's never resolved. Lo and behold, 15 years later, we have a counseling situation as pastors.

41:46 - 42:21 Read in full sermon

The point: Do not tolerate a nitpicking, tattletale, hypersensitive disposition in any of your children.

Martin shares a personal story of his mother teaching him and his siblings to not read evil motives into others' actions, forcing them to consider alternative explanations and apply the principle that 'love thinks no evil.'

They want to go and tell so-and-so did this and so-and-so did this and they're nitpicking all of the time. Well, the scripture says that amongst human beings who are sinners we must have the love, 1 Peter chapter 4, that covers a multitude of sins. 1 Corinthians 13, the love that bears all things that thinks no evil. I know some may feel that my own personality and judgment is warped in the wrong direction because of this, but if it had to go one direction, I'm glad it went wrong in this direction.

44:40 - 45:17 Read in full sermon

Driving home: And then my mother quoted the text, Love thinks no evil. Love thinks no evil. Love thinks no evil. Don't read in evil motives.

The analogy of a drunk with Limburger cheese on his mustache, thinking every place 'stinks,' illustrates the hypersensitive, nitpicking person who finds fault everywhere because of their own internal disposition.

Do not tolerate among any of your siblings a nitpicking, tattletale, hypersensitive disposition. And every time they come with this big scenario and you're ready to sit down and take it all at face value, you've got to teach them how to live in a real world where the world ain't going to come to a grinding halt every time they think a bird tweeted the wrong way or someone didn't quite look at them the wrong way. They just can't exist in the real world and so they become misfits. And they're like the poor drunk with the Limburger cheese on his mustache.

46:51 - 47:27 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: The third specific guideline is to not tolerate a nitpicking, tattletale, hypersensitive disposition in children. Martin describes how such a child interprets everything…

The children's song 'Everybody hates me, nobody loves me, I'm going out and eat worms' is used to humorously but pointedly illustrate the self-pity and hypersensitivity that can develop if not addressed in childhood.

Everybody here, everybody hates me, nobody loves me, I'm going out and eat worms. Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones, oh, how they wiggle and squirm. Everybody hates me, nobody loves me, I'm going out and eat worms. Well, it's all right for kids to sing that at a camp.

47:48 - 48:06 Read in full sermon

The point: You must not tolerate these three things in your husband and wife relationship. You want to have a good conscience in dealing with these things with your kids, you have got to sure that you practice that in your husband …

Martin tells a story about his sister, who appeared angelic but was sneaky. She painted the back porch red and then, covered in paint, knocked on the front door to 'tattletale' on 'Sunny' (Martin), illustrating a deceptive, tattletale disposition.

oh she smiled so sweetly she had a beautiful blonde hair and round face she looked like a cherub but she was the sneakiest one of the whole bunch and we remind her of the day when she had gotten into the paint on the back porch in his back before latex paint this is the old oil stuff there was a can of red paint and she had gotten into it and taken a brush and she had slapped it all over the back porch and she had the gall to come around the front door with a little cherubic face on and knock on the door of all things and my mother came to it here she is spattered with red paint and guilt all ...

50:25 - 51:15 Read in full sermon