Sibling Relationships

Introduction: The Climate of the Home and Sibling Relationships

0:05 How Not to Foul Up the Training of Your Children. This is cassette number nine in a series given by Pastor Albert N. Martin in the adult Sunday school class of the Trinity Baptist Church on March 10, 1991. As we continue this morning our study on the subject, How Not to Foul Up the Training of Our Children, let me remind you of the precise focus of our study as we come to that study this morning.

0:38 We are presently concerned with the issue of seeking to maintain a spiritual, emotional, and physical climate in the home which is conducive to godly, wholesome nurture. And we have said that such a climate will be marked by warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill, as opposed to coldness, distance, alienation, and ill-will. Now the categories in which the climate must be nurtured, which we've already addressed, are, first of all, the husband-wife relationship, and we did not spend a lot of time on it because that is not the particular concern, but we did need to at least address it so that we could say something about the fact that unless the relationship between the husband and wife, the parent or creator of the relationship, is marked by these spiritual graces of warmth, of closeness, acceptance, and goodwill, then the entire atmosphere of the home will be filled with this noxious, spiritual and emotional radon and asbestos. But then there's not only the husband-wife relationship that must be marked by those graces and attitudes, but also the

2:04 parent-child relationship, and we spent several weeks seeking to establish from the scriptures that indeed these are the things that are to mark our relationship to our children. And now what we want to do this morning is to take up the third area of relationships within the home and the responsibility which we as heads of home have in the household in maintaining this climate of warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill, and that is the sibling or the child-to-child relationship. And the word sibling is simply a word to shorten down having to say the child-to-child relationship. Siblings are those who have come from the same womb and who are therefore brothers and sisters. So we want to take up this morning. The sibling relationship, and as we address this vital aspect of the nurturing of our children, we shall do so under three headings.

The Foundational Pattern: God as the Perfect Father

3:10 Number one, the foundational pattern restated. Secondly, some general principles articulated and then some specific guidelines enunciated. First of all, the foundational pattern restated. We have been working all along.

3:30 And with the premise that God is the perfect father and therefore the pattern for all of our parenting. And if you were not here in the earlier studies when we established this on numerous portions of the word of God, I would urge you to get the tapes for all I'm doing is restating this pattern. I am not going back and re-proving it. Now, if this is a valid foundational pattern, then we must ask the question, when we come to take up the whole matter of the child-to-child or the sibling relationship, is God concerned about the child-to-child relationships within his own family? And any of you have any acquaintance with the word of God, know that according to the scriptures, God, as the father of his spiritual family, is deeply concerned. He is deeply concerned about the spiritual sibling relationships, whether male or female, within his family. In fact, whole portions of the word of God are given over to delineating the sibling relationships between the various members of the family of God.

4:53 He commands us again and again to love one another. He commands us to prefer one another, to receive one another, to forgive one another, to bear one another's burdens, to confess our sins one to another, to exhort one another, and on and on we could go. God, as the perfect father, is not only concerned that his children be rightly related to him, but he's deeply concerned about their attaining and maintaining right relationships to one another. In fact, he not only gives positive commands about the nurturing of the sibling relationships within his family, he has given very clear instruction as to what they are to do when alienation, distance, coldness, and ill will arise within the various members of his family. If thy brother sin against thee, go. Tell him his fault between thee and him alone. If he hear thee, you have gain.

6:01 Your brother. Matthew 18,15 and following. Luke 17. If thy brother sin against thee, rebuke him.

6:09 If he repent, forgive him. Be ye kind, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you. So if God is the great, and the ultimate, and perfect pattern of parenting, we go back and restate This foundational pattern, even as it applies to earthly parents and their concern for the relationship between the siblings in the household. It is sloppy parenting that is only concerned that the children be rightly related to mom and dad.

6:52 It is biblical, comprehensive parenting that is concerned about the climate in the home that exists in the light of the chemistry and the interaction between the siblings within that family. So, the foundational pattern has been restated, and now we move, secondly, to some general principles articulated. And I have...

General Principle 1: Commitment to a Climate of Warmth and Goodwill

7:23 I have this morning three general principles. The first one is this. As parents, we must be committed to the attaining and maintaining of a climate of warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill among the siblings in our home. We, as parents, must be committed to the attaining and maintaining of the same kind of climate.

7:52 We are committed to attain and maintain... Between husband and wife, between parent and child, we must have a commitment to attain and maintain that same climate between the siblings.

8:07 Now, why is this important? Well, let's look at several texts in the Word of God. In Proverbs 17 and verse 1, we read, Better is a dry morsel and quietness therewith. Than a house full of feasting with strife.

8:34 It is better, and we could just begin to enumerate the many ways in which it is better to have a home where there is a climate of quietness, warmth, closeness, acceptance, goodwill, but very meager fare on the table. Than to have to come to a table where siblings...

8:58 Are full of strife between one another. And carry that contentious spirit to the table and sour everything that is spread upon that table. And I've been amazed over the years at how many Christian homes I've been in where one could feel the climate of strife, particularly when gathered at the table. And the head of that household...

9:28 Was either oblivious to it, indifferent to it, or simply didn't have a clue as to how to deal with it. What a terrible thing. For Solomon says, Better is a dry morsel and quietness therewith than a house full of feasting with strife. And in James chapter 3 and verse 16, we are told this, For where jealousy and faction are, is confusion and every vile deed.

10:04 Where any parents allow a relationship between siblings to be marked by jealousy and faction, that is, by a disruption of a climate of love, acceptance, and goodwill between siblings, those horrible sins will bring in their train of... A host of other negative influences.

10:34 If there is more than one child, then the climate of warmth and closeness and acceptance and goodwill will not simply happen. And as with almost every other facet of the life of the home, the key is a godly Christian father who has taken...

10:59 seriously the words of Joshua and made them his own. In Joshua 24, 15b, As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. As long as anyone is under my roof and under my legitimate jurisdiction, God will be served. His word will be obeyed with reference to not only...

11:27 Husband. Wife relationships, parent-child relationship, but with respect to sibling relationships as well. It is my privilege and my duty, prayerfully and in the power of the Spirit, and with manly assertiveness, to impose the rule of God upon my household.

11:55 See, that sounds heavy-handed. No, that's manly godliness. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. I speak for them until they're out of the home and speak for themselves.

12:08 We will serve the Lord. And I am committed, Joshua says, that within my household, the rule of God will be implemented insofar as I am able to implement it in the areas where only God can. I leave that to God, i.e., to change the heart, but to set the patterns and to establish godly principles and relationships those I am determined to do. So that's the first principle that I would articulate in your hearing, that we must be committed to attain and maintain among the siblings this climate that we've described with those words again and again. Secondly, the second general principle is this. We must recognize the difficulty and limitations of this goal because of the ugly reality of human sin.

General Principle 2: Recognizing Difficulty Due to Human Sin

13:06 We must recognize the difficulty and limitations of this goal because of the ugly reality of human sin. Now, I trust we are all well-grounded in the doctrine of original sin. That is, that we are all conceived and born sinners. And the heart of this condition is universal, and the heart of this condition is universal, and the heart of this condition is universal, selfishness.

13:34 All we like sheep have gone astray, we've turned every one to what? His own way. 2 Corinthians 5.15, that we should no longer live unto ourselves, but unto him who died for us and rose again.

13:51 Now, once two self-centered, selfish people occupy the same turf, there are going to be problems. Because each one feels he has a right to do on the turf what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and how he wants to do it. And the whole terminology of sibling rivalry may be relatively new, but it's very interesting when we turn to the word of God that the first instance of sibling rivalry resulted in murder in the case of the first two children born of the human race. God created Adam and Eve.

14:27 Adam and Eve, by virtue of normal sexual relations, were blessed with children. The first born was Abel, the second was Cain, and in sibling rivalry, Cain rose up and slew Abel. I'm sorry, it's the other way around. First one was Cain, and then Abel.

14:48 He rose up and slew his brother. So this matter of sibling rivalry may be a new terminology, but the problems arising because of human sin is staggering. It's ramped upon the very face of the testimony of Scripture. And when we look at those, what we would call categorical lists of sin, found in such passages as Galatians 5, 19 and 20, Romans chapter 1, verses 29 and 30, Mark chapter 7, 22, 23, when we look in those lists of sins, we see how many of the sins listed touch interpersonal relationships particularly sibling relationships. For example, Galatians chapter 5. Galatians chapter 5, verse 19. Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these?

15:50 Fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, sorcery. Now notice, enmities, strife, jealousies, wrath, actions, divisions. Isn't that interesting? The very things that plague the best of Christian homes at times.

16:13 Wrath, faction, jealousy, strife, divisions. These are the outcroppings of what man is as a sinner. Romans 1, verses 29 and 30 will suffice for a second example in listing all of the horrible sins that characterize men given over to the lust of their own hearts, being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, whisper, backbiters, boastful, disobedient to parents.

17:06 Now we could go to other... Similar lists of sin.

17:10 Now am I... Why am I giving these?

17:12 Well, that this second principle will take hold of our hearts. That we must recognize the difficulty and the limitations of this goal. What goal? Of having a climate between our siblings marked by warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill because of the ugly reality of human sin.

17:36 In dealing with our children, and their sibling relationships, we are dealing with children in whom either sin reigns in their unregenerate state or in whom sin remains in their regenerate state. And we as parents are dealing with them as those in whom sin yet remains and can be very active and can be provoked to a level of frightening activity in our frustration. Frustrations in dealing with sibling problems among our own children. How many times has a godly parent who sought to obey John 7.24 judge not according to appearance but judge righteous judgment. How many times has he felt the frustration trying to get to the bottom as to who really started this fuss and who's really the most culpable. And you've wished for just a moment. You had a little bit of God's omniscience so you could sort out the whole thing.

18:38 And your own remaining sin is stirred up in the form of a carnal frustration and irritation. So with respect to this matter of seeking to maintain a climate in our homes spiritually and emotionally marked by warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill among our siblings, we must not only start with accepting that responsibility as a response. That responsibility laid upon us by God. But in entering into that responsibility, we must recognize both the difficulty and the limitations of this goal because of the ugly reality of human sin. And in my preparation, I was struck with the fact that even our Lord Jesus was not exempt from this. When you read the account of John chapter 7 of his siblings, urging him to go up to Jerusalem and strut his stuff, and as one reads the responsible commentators, there is a general consensus that there was in that urging of his siblings not just a noble desire that Jesus would be more known,

19:56 but there was an element of perhaps mingled sarcasm and lack of appreciation for John says, for even his brethren did not believe on him. So if...

20:08 One of the children in the home is regenerate and the other is unregenerate, now it's even complicated further. Because we read in Galatians chapter 4 verse 29, as then so now, he that is born after the flesh persecutes him that is born after the spirit. And Jesus said in John, in Matthew 10, 34 and following, and in Luke 14, 25 and following, that he brings an attachment to himself that will disrupt these close family, He says I have come to cast literally a sword and a man's foes should be they of his own household. What happens when one of the siblings is regenerate and loves Christ and his heart or her heart is committed to keep the law of Christ and another sibling is still a child of the devil and hates righteousness and hates God and hates Christ. Well, you've got a complicated situation. So why do I say all of this? I say all of that so that you won't get discouraged.

General Principle 3: Not Underestimating God's Power in Appointed Means

21:09 So that you won't have a standard that is unrealistic, that does not look squarely in the eye the reality of human sin. So that's the second general principle. We must recognize the difficulty and the limitations of this goal because of the ugly reality of human sin. But then thirdly, we must recognize, I'm sorry, the third general principle is we must not underestimate, the power of God exerted in God appointed means whether in common or prevenient grace.

21:51 Now that's a mouthful but I've chosen my words carefully and I'll explain them. The third principle is we must not underestimate the power of God exerted in God appointed means whether in common or prevenient grace. Now common grace is that activity of God that is gracious. He doesn't owe it to men in which through various means He restrains them from expressing the full potential of their evil and actually enables them to express attitudes and dispositions that are contrary to their own native sinfulness. That's common grace. It stops short of grace. It stops short of regenerating a man, bringing him into union with Christ and under the blood of Christ and into the blessings of salvation.

22:49 But it is grace nonetheless. Common grace. But then by the use of the term prevenient grace, I'm speaking of that grace that God works in the hearts of those that goes before grace. That is grace that is preparing for more grace and disposing someone upon whom God has fixed His love eternally and is prepared to make Him a vessel of mercy.

23:19 And my concern is that in thinking of this aspect of our task that we do not underestimate the power of God exerted in His own appointed means whether in common grace or prevenient grace. And what do I mean by those means that God has appointed? Well, if you'll turn to Proverbs chapter 27 and verse 22 and compare it with Proverbs 22 verse 15. Though you should bray a fool in a mortal with a pestle along with bruised grain, yet will not his foolishness depart from him. Here's a very...

24:11 sort of a convoluted, exaggerated figure of speech. Here a man's got a brass pot. And into it he places some grain. And he's got the pestle.

24:25 He's got the thing that looks like the handle of a hammer. And he's going to be pounding that grain to separate the husk from the grain itself. He says now, though you should put the fool right in there and pound away on him, you cannot separate his folly from him. It's so ingrained into the very substance of what he is that he's a fool and he'll remain a fool and die a fool.

24:52 But now take Proverbs 22 verse 15. And this is not a contradiction. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. In other words, if proper corrective measures are brought upon the child, God is pleased to use that means to separate that folly from the child, whether in common grace, just making him a more decent, livable person, or eventually in special grace, in which he changes the very nature of that child.

25:37 However, if he's allowed to come to fullness of years fixed in these patterns of sinful folly, it is as unlikely that you can separate him from that folly as the figure that Solomon gives in Proverbs 27 and verse 22. So we must think of our responsibility to attain and maintain a climate of warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill among our siblings. Taking God as our model, we must be committed to the goal that we will not tolerate anything less than such a climate among our children. But in the outworking of that commitment, we must be realistic, knowing we will face many, many problems because of the reality of human sin. But we do so confident that in the use of God's means, He can do wonderful things, whether in the restraints and the conferrals of common grace, or in the putting forth of prevenient and even saving grace upon the hearts of our children. So any approach then to this matter of dealing with our siblings to make sure under God that there is a climate in our home between the siblings

Specific Guideline 1: Don't Tolerate Impolite, Abusive, or Uncontrolled Verbal Exchanges

27:04 of warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill, those principles should regulate our thinking. Now we come, in the third place, to some specific guidelines. Some specific guidelines enunciate, enunciated. And to enunciate simply means to state definitely.

27:25 If you, as a parent, are laboring to keep your home free of the radon of tension, of coldness, of distance, and ill will, then certain guidelines must be operative. I'm not saying in these words, in these particular concepts, conveyed just precisely this way, but since I must convey them in some form, this is the way I'm conveying them. Number one, don't tolerate impolite, abusive, or uncontrolled verbal exchanges between your children. Do not tolerate impolite, abusive, or uncontrolled verbal exchanges between your children. Now again, when we turn to the scriptures, in those lists of human sin, not only do we see that many of the sins are manifested in interpersonal relationships, but many of them focus upon the mouth. For example, in Romans 3, 10 and following, where Paul is giving that summary statement of universal sinfulness, culling passages from all over the Old Testament, there is none righteous, no not one, none that understandeth, none that seeketh after God.

28:53 They are all gone out of the way. They are together become unprofitable. It isn't long before he focuses on the mouth. And he says, the poison of asps is under their tongues.

29:05 The Lord Jesus said, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh. Psalm 58, 3, they go astray from the womb speaking. Speaking. Speaking lies, yes, but their estrangement from God from the womb focuses upon their speaking.

29:27 And so the activity of the mouth and the tongues of our children are one of the most inescapable and undeniable witnesses to universal depravity and guilt for human sin. And therefore you and I must be committed to maintaining a climate in our homes where impolite, abusive, or uncontrolled verbal exchanges are not tolerated. Now what do I mean by impolite? Well, impoliteness is a self-centered person who wants to speak and is utterly indifferent to everyone else when he or she wants to talk. Mommy and Daddy may be speaking and so the child's got something he or she wants to say, comes running right in, Mommy and Daddy are talking, doesn't say, excuse me, Mommy, excuse me, Daddy, just blurts out, Mommy, if you allow that to go on, what you're telling that child is, his world is more important than everyone else's. Don't allow it! You say, Mommy and Daddy are talking, you stand, you wait, when Daddy's finished his sentence, you may say, excuse me, may I speak to you, Mommy?

30:51 May I speak to you, Daddy? Yes, but...

30:53 No buts, one more word and you'll have your behind warned. And you go on and complete your sentence with your wife. That's a little thing. No, it's not a little thing.

31:05 Because that little child, by nature, believes the whole world revolves around his needs, his desires, his impulses, and if you allow him to be impolite and to break into conversation in the home, unchecked, you're confirming that child in the course of self-centeredness. Yes, you are. And so you must determine that you will not allow impolite speech, interrupting without saying, excuse me. Give me this without saying, please.

31:40 Receiving something and allowing the child to keep it without making him say, thank you. May I, please. Oh, you say, oh, that's just little verbal stuff. Ah, yes.

31:51 But by thy words, thou should be justified and by thy words, thou should be condemned. And it is by means of polite speech that we are seeking to create a climate in which this child is saying to mommy and daddy and to the siblings, what you're talking about is important enough for me to wait until I find a break and say, excuse me. You see, words of politeness are not just social customs imposed by middle-class white America. Every society has its own set of social customs which grow up in the realm of common grace if they are customs that are not evil in order to alleviate the otherwise hellish existence that would inevitably be present when a bunch of self-centered sinners get together on the same turf. And manners and politeness are the language and the symbols of selflessness. And they must be taught. They don't natively grow on self-centered sinners' soil.

33:09 And you, as a parent, are responsible to inculcate them. Don't tolerate impolite speech. Don't tolerate abusive speech. It simply is not true that sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.

33:28 Words do hurt. And any words that are used as a stick to hurt or a pin to poke, you must not allow among your children. One of them may have a tendency to be a bit chubby. Don't allow the others to call him or her fatty or fatso or tubby.

33:49 You're allowing the siblings to take the stick of verbal abuse and the whack of the tender soul of another sibling. Don't allow it. Don't allow it! Don't permit it.

34:04 And once you've made it plain that certain forms of speech are not allowed, you don't talk about it for 50 times. The time the child uses it, you apply appropriate discipline. That will come later. But don't allow abusive speech.

34:19 And then don't allow uncontrolled speech. When the lack of control is screaming, budding in, don't allow it. Why? Because there are so many passages in the Word of God that speak to this very issue.

34:38 Let's look at some of them. Proverbs 13 and verse 3. He that guardeth his mouth keepeth his life, but he that opens wide his lips shall have destruction. The person with an uncontrolled mouth is in the way of destruction.

34:58 According to Solomon. You want to put your kids in the way of destruction or hurry them on in their way of destruction? Then just don't teach them to control their speech. Proverbs 12 and verse 18.

35:11 There is that speaketh rashly like the piercings of a sword. Sticks and stones may break my bones. Names never hurt me, no. They are like the piercings of a sword.

35:25 Dummy, stupid, fatso, tubby. Don't allow that in your home. They are like the piercings of a sword. Proverbs 15, verse 1.

35:39 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a grievous word stirs up anger. Where are our children to learn that but under our tutelage so that we teach them how when one of the siblings comes and is upset and they are ready to pounce and start a fight, how a soft answer can turn that away and they learn that lesson under our formative influence so that we have a climate of warmth and of closeness and of acceptance and goodwill as opposed to hostility and ill will. The soft answer turns away wrath. Verse 4.

36:15 A gentle tongue is a tree of life but perverseness therein is a breaking of the spirit. You want to break someone's spirit? Let siblings just beat up on one another with their words. Chapter 18, verses 16 and 17.

36:32 A fool's lips enter into contention and his mouth calleth for stripes. A fool's mouth is his destruction and his lips are the snare of his soul. James goes so far as to say anyone professing true religion who does not bridle his tongue is self-deceived. He doesn't have the root of the matter in him.

36:59 Now we're not dealing with the question how to deal with these things in terms of chastening and admonition. All we're talking about this morning is your commitment as a parent that you will not tolerate among your siblings impolite, abusive, uncontrolled verbal exchanges. And secondly, my second word of counsel enunciated is this. Do not tolerate unresolved conflicts between your children.

Specific Guideline 2: Don't Tolerate Unresolved Conflicts

37:35 Do not tolerate unresolved conflicts between your children. Since they have sinful hearts, there will be conflicts arising from the clash of self-centered desires and wills. As we already indicated, the first sibling rivalry resulted in murder. And James 4, 1 says that every kind of rivalry arises out of the disposition of heart with which we are born and which reigns until grace comes and which yet remains after grace comes.

38:13 Whence come wars and whence come fightings among you? Come they not hence, even of your pleasures, that war in your members? You lust and have not. You kill and covet and cannot obtain.

38:28 Ye fight and war ye have not because ye ask not. God has given us clear directives to resolve interpersonal conflicts in his family, has he not? If you have ought against your brother, go, tell him his fault between thee and him alone. God's told us what to do.

38:49 If thy brother sin against thee, rebuke him. If he repent, forgive him. God has not left us out to dry with just some broad general principles. He has given us specific directives as to how to resolve interpersonal conflicts within the family of God.

39:08 And as the head of your home, you must likewise give specific directives to your children for the resolving of conflicts between them. Do not tolerate unresolved conflicts between your children. Once you've sought to obtain the facts, and that's the difficult thing so many times that frustrates parents, John 7, 24, you want to judge righteous judgment and trying to get the facts. When one says he started it, she started it, he did this, she did that, you may have to end up doing what I thought was very wise when my mother would say, well, there was a fight, was there?

39:47 Yes, well, it takes two to make a fight, so you're both going to get it. So we both got it. When she could have sorted it out, she said, well, whoever started it, one thing is clear, if you're both going at it, you're both guilty. Because one of you should have been a peacemaker.

40:03 And since you weren't, you're both going to get spanked. And then she didn't waste a lot of time trying to get the thing all sorted out and fixed up so it would pass a local grand jury. But in many cases, you can ascertain who was the party that offended and who was the party that was the offender. And here I don't want to be nitpicking, but I do want to be biblical.

40:27 Don't make your children say to the person they've offended, tell your brother you're sorry. Saying you're sorry is telling someone how you feel. That isn't the concern. The concern is they have wronged them and they need their forgiveness.

40:47 They need to confess their sin. So you have the child say, now Johnny, you say to Joey, I should not have taken your baseball bat without asking you, I sinned by taking your baseball bat without asking you, will you forgive me? And then you monitor Joey's response who says, yes, Johnny, I do forgive you. And then as it may be appropriate in some situations to see if they really mean it, say, all right, give each other a big hug now.

41:21 And see if they can do it with a smile and their spirits break or whether they're still stiff and distant from one another. Do not tolerate unresolved conflicts between the children. Bring the person who has offended to say, I have sinned, will you forgive me? Bring the offended to say, yes, I do forgive you.

41:46 And then in the language of 2 Corinthians 2, 7 and 8, seek to get them to confirm their love one to another. Some of the wrong patterns that I've seen even in Trinity churches, siblings have tension and parents allow one of the kids to go off into his room and sulk and just stay there till the tension blows over. The issue's never resolved. Lo and behold, 15 years later, we have a counseling situation as pastors.

42:21 What's the problem? Here's a couple don't know how to resolve tensions. Why? Because the man or the woman was allowed as a child when there were sibling tensions to go off in the room and sulk and let time blow over and then come back like nothing happened.

42:35 Never dealing with things biblically. And now we've got to sort it out at age 25. Parents, it's your responsibility to inculcate the biblical perspectives on these issues. Don't let them go off sulking in a room.

42:53 Don't let them storm out of the house and go play ball or go down to the family room and flick on the TV. Sin must be owned, confessed and forgiven. And then there's a resolution of the tension and a restoration of face-to-face fellowship and warmth and goodwill among the siblings. Do not tolerate unresolved conflicts between the children.

Specific Guideline 3: Don't Tolerate a Nitpicking, Tattletale, Hypersensitive Disposition

43:20 And then third word of counsel and directive, the guideline is this. Do not tolerate a nitpicking, tattletale, hypersensitive disposition in any of your children. Do not tolerate a nitpicking, tattletale, hypersensitive disposition among your children. If you have among your siblings one who has a tendency to be a nitpicker and to be a tattletale and hypersensitive, you're going to have tension all the time.

43:56 Because that particular child interprets every action in the whole world as being against him or her. Has an uncanny ability. Even the birds chirping outside are doing it to get on his nerves. And if they don't chirp, it's because they're trying to kid him that spring hasn't come.

44:15 I mean, some kids in the perversity of the way sin has woven itself into the texture of their psyches, they think that the whole world out there is just conspiring 24 hours a day to pick on them. Hypersensitive. They interpret everything in terms of a negative reflection upon themselves. And often that kind of spirit is joined to a tattletale spirit.

44:40 They want to go and tell so-and-so did this and so-and-so did this and they're nitpicking all of the time. Well, the scripture says that amongst human beings who are sinners we must have the love, 1 Peter chapter 4, that covers a multitude of sins. 1 Corinthians 13, the love that bears all things that thinks no evil. I know some may feel that my own personality and judgment is warped in the wrong direction because of this, but if it had to go one direction, I'm glad it went wrong in this direction.

45:17 In a large family, trying to sort out guilt between all of those siblings was rough business. And living in a small house, it was easy to read in motives to what someone did. And if we came running in to my mother and say, oh, so-and-so did this because, she'd say, now wait a minute, let's sort out the facts. What actually happened?

45:37 Well, this and this happened. All right, that's what happened. But you're saying, this happened because, yes. Well, do you know that?

45:44 Did she or he tell you they didn't know? But I just know. Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Could there be any other explanation?

45:50 Well, yes, what? And we were forced to think through other possible explanations for what they did. And then we were forced to take the one that had the least culpability and put that construction on it until proven otherwise. And then my mother quoted the text, Love thinks no evil.

46:09 Love thinks no evil. Love thinks no evil. Don't read in evil motives. As you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them.

46:23 That's another text that was pounded into me growing up. Would you like your brother or sister to read in the worst motive to what you did? You did what you did only because you forgot and you didn't knew it with malice? Do you want them to read in that you maliciously overlooked them?

46:39 That you maliciously forgot to put their plate on or some other thing? No. Well, then don't you do that to them as you would that others do unto you? Even so do ye also unto them.

46:51 Do not tolerate among any of your siblings a nitpicking, tattletale, hypersensitive disposition. And every time they come with this big scenario and you're ready to sit down and take it all at face value, you've got to teach them how to live in a real world where the world ain't going to come to a grinding halt every time they think a bird tweeted the wrong way or someone didn't quite look at them the wrong way. They just can't exist in the real world and so they become misfits. And they're like the poor drunk with the Limburger cheese on his mustache.

47:27 Every place he went, he went, this place stinks, I'm leaving. He went to another place, this place stinks, I'm leaving. And you've got people like that. Because they nitpick.

47:36 Everywhere they go, everything looks fine, they get close enough to realize people are imperfect. And what do they do? They start nitpicking. And then they start reading in.

47:44 Oh, that one's looking at me that way because. This one didn't do that because. This one didn't...

47:48 Everybody here, everybody hates me, nobody loves me, I'm going out and eat worms. Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones, oh, how they wiggle and squirm. Everybody hates me, nobody loves me, I'm going out and eat worms. Well, it's all right for kids to sing that at a camp.

48:06 But when you've got grown adults naming the name of Christ, dwelling under one roof in a church, that's bad business. And it all started when parents did not get hold of this principle of not tolerating a nitpicking, tattle-tale, hypersensitive disposition between the children. Now, this does not exhaust the list of guidelines. It is only meant to be suggested, hopefully, to enforce the principles that we have in the Constitution.

Parental Responsibilities and Warnings

48:28 Now, I'm not saying that the Constitution is the only one that can be enforced. I'm not saying that the Constitution is the only one that can be enforced. I'm not saying you ought to trust some of the things that some of you are already doing hopefully, to get your mind thinking in areas where perhaps you've not thought because you didn't have that pattern and example and influence in your own formative years. But if you are going to do this, certain things you are going to have to lock into as parents.

48:58 You must not tolerate these three things in your husband and wife relationship. You want to have a good conscience in dealing with these things with your kids, you have got to sure that you practice that in your husband wife relationships and in your relationships to your brothers and sisters in the body of Christ if you are not in your own heart disciplining your own tongue and if you are not resolving conflicts with your wife and with your brothers and sisters biblically and if you are not being delivered from a nitpicking tattletale hypersensitive disposition between yourself and your spouse and your brothers and sisters how in the world are you going to have any conflict when you try to deal with those things with your own kids secondly you must not allow yourself to be shut off from sibling interaction a lot of parents just pull in their antenna they just don't want to know what the sibling interaction is so they spend hours every day on the telephone the kids are off in the other room and they hear some of the overtones of negative interaction but they just can't be bothered it's so wearisome you have to keep your antenna out and pick up on the patterns and notice which one is the one who's the deceiver which one is the one who's most likely to be sneaky I had one sister we still like to remind her of this story she was the one that out in public everybody said oh isn't she a little angel

50:25 oh she smiled so sweetly she had a beautiful blonde hair and round face she looked like a cherub but she was the sneakiest one of the whole bunch and we remind her of the day when she had gotten into the paint on the back porch in his back before latex paint this is the old oil stuff there was a can of red paint and she had gotten into it and taken a brush and she had slapped it all over the back porch and she had the gall to come around the front door with a little cherubic face on and knock on the door of all things and my mother came to it here she is spattered with red paint and guilt all over her and saying mommy sunny painted the back porch red go and look oh we remind her I was sunny you see

51:19 I never heard my name al or albert till I was twenty years old I always used to be amazed how strangers knew my name they'd come up and say hey sunny and I'd say well I didn't know my name but that was the classic example of her tattletale thing you know she kept up this cherubic face but oh she was mean in the home that was one of the biggest evidences that God saved her she became in the home like people knew her to be outside then they knew God had done something on the inside so you must not allow yourself to be shut off from this interaction don't get lost on the telephone mons so that you're not aware of the sibling interaction of your children don't plump them in front of the TV which insulates them from realistic sibling interaction it insulates them from one another one of the curses is we've got a generation brought up insulated from interpersonal interaction because they were glued to the boob tube don't allow the kids to go off and carry on their own world in the privacy of their own room yes they need some privacy Yes, that's part of their overall development. But don't allow them to run from their siblings because they don't want to work at the hard stuff. You are molding a life and lives. Keep within range to know what's going on.

52:39 Then thirdly, you must not show a carnal favoritism toward your children. I said a carnal favoritism. There's nothing wrong with feeling more drawn naturally to one child than another. That's just human.

52:53 There's nothing wrong with that. There's temperament, responsiveness, even God's like that. His children who obey him most fervently, he loves most deeply. He that hath my commandments and keepeth them, he that loveth me and he that loveth me shall be loved of my father and I will love him.

53:10 And will manifest myself to him. But I said don't show carnal favoritism. A favoritism that will create a climate of provoking your children to anger and to discouragement. And then don't be part...

53:27 And don't be partial in your dealings with the sins and weaknesses of your kids. First Timothy 5.21, what is true for Timothy in ecclesiastical matters is true for parents. Do these things without partiality.

53:39 And oh, how many examples in scripture we can see where this principle was not recognized in the tragedy that came. Look at David with Absalom. He almost lost his grip on the nation because he had a sinful partiality to Absalom. And we know in the patriarchs how devastating this influence was.

Prayer for God's Grace in Parenting

53:57 Well, these are just some general principles that I lay before you. Our time is gone. And let us pray that God will help us as parents to be committed that among the siblings in our home, there will be by the grace of God a climate of warmth, closeness, acceptance, and of goodwill. Let's pray together.

54:18 Our Father, we confess to you how much we need your grace in these matters of responsibility, laid upon us. We are not sufficient for these things. We confess, oh Lord, that we are natively lazy. We do not want the tiring and wearisome task of monitoring the chemistry between our children and working on those areas of weakness and sinfulness.

54:51 But oh God, give us the long-term vision of what we are molding and that we may leave as a marvelous influence. We are the inheritance to another generation, children who have learned the basic chemistry of good into personal relationships because by your grace we have taken the time and expended the energy and the pains to mold these perspectives into them in their formative years. Bless our endeavors. We thank you for the many who are committed to these principles.

55:24 Help them and sanctify their labors. And bless them. And to the end, that whether in common or in special grace, we may have a generation of children who are not abrasive and impolite and socially boorish and self-centered and uncontrolled in their tongues and hypersensitive and nitpicking. Oh God, may this church not be cursed with the plethora of such sins in another generation.

55:56 Help us by your grace, we pray. In Jesus' name, Amen.