Before the Session, Part 2

The point: Use sanctified small talk out of a genuine disposition of self-giving love to set the person at ease.

Martin recounts how talking about his wife's teddy bears helped an uptight counselee relax, illustrating the power of 'sanctified small talk' to build goodwill.

Know that this is the first time they're coming and you've not had this backlog of interaction to build up a climate to set this person at ease. I remember one incident and I put it into my notes here about little teddy bears. My wife has three teddy bears on the deacon's bed just as you come in the front door of our hallway. And this particular individual I could tell was pretty much uptight and for some reason, as you're just praying, Lord, help me to loosen them up, I started to make conversation about my wife's teddy bears.

0:03 - 0:31 Read in full sermon

The point: Use sanctified small talk out of a genuine disposition of self-giving love to set the person at ease.

The insincere small talk of a salesman is contrasted with 'sanctified small talk' to highlight the importance of genuine, self-giving love in pastoral interaction.

You're not using small talk in a manipulated way like the salesman that you know is asking about your wife and your family. He's not. He's not sincere at all. You know that's his way of just proving that he's a nice guy and he's interested in you.

0:54 - 1:08 Read in full sermon

The point: Use sanctified small talk out of a genuine disposition of self-giving love to set the person at ease.

The saying 'He who places his hand upon the head of a child places his hand upon the heart of its mother or father' is used to illustrate how asking about a child's well-being touches the parents' hearts.

We've got three kids sick with the flu. How are the kids doing? He who places his hand upon the head of a child places his hand upon the heart of its mother or father. Well, by your words, place your hand on the head of the child.

1:30 - 1:43 Read in full sermon

The point: Do not promise unqualified confidentiality, as you may have a moral obligation to disclose certain sins.

A sister's promise of unqualified confidentiality led to her receiving slanderous information, which she then felt obligated to share with her husband, illustrating the danger of such promises.

We had a situation recently where a sister in seeking to minister to another sister, and this sister said to her, you know, whatever's on your heart, share it with me. And then this particular individual said, well, I just can't. I know how close you and your husband are, and meaning, well, if you've got a struggle with some personal sin and all the rest, you can trust me. If it's something of that nature, I won't even share that with my husband.

7:58 - 8:26 Read in full sermon

The point: Don't allow any unbridled carnality to be manifested in a counseling session; rebuke it.

Martin describes an incident where a woman slapped her husband during a session, causing temporary deafness, to illustrate how unbridled carnality can manifest and must be rebuked.

Now, sometimes you can't stop it. I had a woman quick as a cat reach across and smack her husband on the side of the head so hard he was deaf in his left ear for three days. Now, I mean, it was just BOOM! I've never seen anything like that in 40 years in the ministry.

11:14 - 11:34 Read in full sermon

Driving home: Counsel in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

A brother struggling with pornography downplayed his sin as 'a few skirmishes,' but a detailed accounting revealed a 'four-day sex orgy,' illustrating the need for probing questions to uncover the full extent of sin.

Not deliberately in an attempt to deceive you, but they don't want to look at the ugly reality that really is. For example, the man comes into the study. It's a follow-up visit of a brother who's struggling with pornography. He's been away on a business trip.

18:36 - 18:52 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Counselors must ask probing, not impertinent, questions to draw out the 'deep water' of the heart, helping individuals confront the full extent of their sin or struggles.

A couple struggling with marital intimacy, specifically the wife's fulfillment of 1 Corinthians 7, is used to demonstrate how direct, probing questions to both spouses are necessary for righteous judgment.

So you've got to ask probing, not impertinent, but probing questions. For example, we have a situation recently where we've been working with a couple and there have been some serious problems in the marriage and one of them has been in the whole area of the woman not fulfilling 1 Corinthians 7. Well, it wouldn't do good to just get her in and say, how are things going? Oh, they're going fine.

20:31 - 20:58 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Martin emphasizes the biblical concept of body language, urging counselors to keep their eyes open and use peripheral vision to pick up non-verbal cues that reveal underlying…

Martin explains how a counselor can use peripheral vision to observe a spouse's body language (e.g., eye rolls, fidgeting) while the other is speaking, illustrating the concept of 'halo data' for deeper understanding.

He shuffles with his feet, makes signs with his fingers. Body language. Well, when I say keep your eyes open, it's based upon this reality. It's what Dr. Adams calls in the Christian manual, pages 257 and 8, halo data.

25:39 - 25:54 Read in full sermon

The point: Don't think in terms of predetermined categories or stereotypes for men and women.

Martin questions the utility of generic categories for 'women' versus understanding 'a specific woman,' warning against stereotyping in counseling.

Furthermore, don't think in terms of predetermined categories or stereotypes through the years. My wife and I have interacted on this. You'll get a book that will say, women this, women that. I say, honey, am I married to women?

28:27 - 28:43 Read in full sermon

The point: Beware of thinking that everyone's problem is a mirror image of your own.

The book of Job is cited as an example where friends made premature and simplistic conclusions about Job's suffering, warning counselors against becoming 'Job's comforters.'

And because in your particular situation, the peculiar answer was this set of biblical principles, you tend to think that in something that looks like the same thing, this will of necessity be the answer to their problem. And it may not be. Remember the book of Job. Things were not what they appeared to be.

29:47 - 30:06 Read in full sermon

The point: Avoid prejudicial analysis, remembering that the first to plead his cause seems just until further investigation.

The proverb 'He that pleads his cause first seems just; but his neighbor comes and searches him out' is used to illustrate the danger of prejudicial analysis based on only one side of a story.

Proverbs 18 and verse 17. He that pleads his cause first seems just.

32:03 - 32:11 Read in full sermon

The point: Recognize and cry to God for help to overcome personal predispositions and prejudices that may affect objectivity.

Martin explains how a counselor's personal history (e.g., nurturing an abused woman or having an overbearing mother) can create built-in prejudices towards men or women, affecting objectivity.

Judge righteous judgment. By background, personal experience and temperament you will tend to favor men or women or one class of people against another. If you have had to come to the defense of an abused woman, if you've had to nurture as your wife someone who went through the trauma of domestic breakup, a brutal father or a domineering mother and you've had to nurture that person, you have a built-in prejudice to be overly protective to any woman. It will be hard for you to be strictly objective with women.

33:05 - 33:43 Read in full sermon

The point: If legitimately sworn to confidentiality, don't break it; instead, use broad strokes when discussing cases with others.

Martin shares a personal anecdote of seeking counsel from a former elder, Pastor Dixon, on a domestic matter, illustrating the value of checking things out with others who have specific wisdom.

In certain situations, again, you will know this particular friend has unusual insight in this particular area, and you will tap in to that friendship. As a brother is born for adversity, certain brethren are born for unusually helpfulness. So counsel in areas A, B, C, or D. I had a situation in my own personal and domestic experience this week where I sought the counsel of my former fellow elder, Pastor Dixon, because over the years in this particular area, he has manifested a wisdom that none of my current fellow elders has manifested.

36:09 - 36:43 Read in full sermon

The point: Seek constantly to find the biblical definition or illustration of the problem, using sound words taught by the Spirit.

Martin recounts hearing about 'muscle something syndrome' on the news, where men are addicted to pumping iron, using it to illustrate the modern tendency to medicalize sin rather than define it biblically as idolatry.

I couldn't believe it. The other day, I caught a little bit of the news which I seldom watch simply because there just isn't time in the schedule to do it. And lo and behold, they come up with a new name. They call it muscle something.

38:04 - 38:17 Read in full sermon