Before the Session, Part 2

Using Sanctified Small Talk to Set People at Ease

0:03 Know that this is the first time they're coming and you've not had this backlog of interaction to build up a climate to set this person at ease. I remember one incident and I put it into my notes here about little teddy bears. My wife has three teddy bears on the deacon's bed just as you come in the front door of our hallway. And this particular individual I could tell was pretty much uptight and for some reason, as you're just praying, Lord, help me to loosen them up, I started to make conversation about my wife's teddy bears.

0:31 Well, I was about halfway into the session when this person said, you know what really set me at ease, Pastor? I figured anyone that can appreciate teddy bears must be all right. And God used small talk about the teddy bears to build up an initial pool of goodwill and a disposition of openness. So that's why I said sanctified small talk.

0:54 You're not using small talk in a manipulated way like the salesman that you know is asking about your wife and your family. He's not. He's not sincere at all. You know that's his way of just proving that he's a nice guy and he's interested in you.

1:08 But it's very artificial. So I'm not in any way countermixing that. But out of a genuine disposition of self-giving love that wants to set this person at ease, use sanctified small talk to set the person at ease. If you know something about a domestic situation, you knew that the flu had hit the family last week and they said, I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep the session.

1:30 We've got three kids sick with the flu. How are the kids doing? He who places his hand upon the head of a child places his hand upon the heart of its mother or father. Well, by your words, place your hand on the head of the child.

1:44 How are the kids doing? How have they come through the flu? Are they back at school? Learn the art of sanctified small talk.

1:51 What's the purpose of this? To set the person at ease. Surely there's something of the sanctified small talk in our Lord's interaction with the woman at the well. And though it's not...

Affirming Concern and Establishing Impartiality

2:02 It's not a paradigm for pastoral counseling, it is an illustration that the Holy Son of God was able to use these things that would be a bridge into more meaningful and substantive conversation. Thirdly, affirm your concern in love. Now again, this will be consistent with your age, with your relationship to the people. But remember, when the scripture says, let us not love in word only, but in deed and in truth, the assumption is it's easier to do it.

2:32 Let us not love in word only, but indeed and in truth. But the assumption is we will love in word. God loves by word and deed. He declares His love.

2:46 He manifests and validates His love. And we need to learn the art of expressing and affirming our concern in love. And doing that on the front end of the session, seeking to maintain or to set up and to maintain a proper climate, for that pastoral counseling session. And then, very, very critical, guideline number four.

3:11 If you're dealing with two individuals who have an area of unresolved conflict, especially if it's a husband and a wife, or as I had recently, parents and a child, establish your commitment to impartiality. 1 Timothy 5.21, Paul tells Timothy that he is to do these things without partiality or preference, do these things without prejudice, I'm sorry, doing nothing by partiality. And it's critical that you get that affirmation of their confidence of your impartiality before you get into the nitty-gritty.

3:47 Or internally, the individual whose fault begins to be evident and you're going to have to come down and begin to make value judgments about who is to blame, will instinctively say, oh, he's prejudiced against me because I'm a woman. Or he's...

4:04 He's prejudiced against me because I'm a man, and men have a reputation for being the hard-nosed ones in marital problems, whatever it is. So I always, as a little principle of trying to set and maintain this climate that is conducive to effective pastoral counseling, I will ask the man and say, now, brother, do you have any reason to believe that I will seek to be anything other than absolutely impartial as you and your wife begin to lay out the problems and concerns? No, I believe you will seek to be honest with my soul. Dear sister, what about you?

4:40 And I try to get a verbal affirmation from them, yes, we are confident that you will seek to be impartial. I have no reason to come here believing that, no, I won't get a fair hearing. If they say, well, I'm really not sure, then I just say, well, I can't help you. And I'll pray in dismissal.

4:58 They can't. If your input is going to be judged before you even get it, the person is showing themselves not to be teachable. And you may have an obligation, and more than one occasion, I've dismissed the session. It would be a waste of time.

5:13 And God doesn't call you to waste your time, nor to indulge people in a present state where they have a disposition that is contrary to that which God expects of them. And if they're not coming to have it adjusted and corrected, then you don't waste your time. So establish your commitment to impartiality, and then simply make it evident that you have outlined the structure of your time and take charge. And that's the message of the session.

Taking Charge of the Session and Seeking Divine Wisdom

5:40 Now, what do I mean by that? Well, I mean by that that once you've gotten through the small talk, the affirmation of your love, hopefully an affirmation from them of their confidence in your impartiality, you say, now, I understand that we've blocked out an hour and a half. And we're going to try to stick to that time frame. You know, you may have commitments with a babysitter, if it's a couple, whatever.

6:02 And I have other responsibilities. You make it plain that it's not just an open-ended thing to just ramble on from there. And to bear Sheba for an indebted amount of time. There are people who will consume hour after hour of your time if you let them.

6:15 So you graciously announce the outset when you made the commitment. You said we can have an hour, hour and a half. And you just remind them of that. And then you read some appropriate portion of the Word of God in terms of what the situation is from your previous knowledge.

6:30 It may be you'll want to read a passage that reminds them that God knows us all together. Psalm 139, Hebrews 4. 12 and 13. It may be you'll want to read a passage that points to the wisdom that is from above.

6:43 Maybe it's a couple that have serious tensions. You may want to read a portion of James 3. And then you lead in prayer. And in your leading in prayer, going back to one of the strands in the presupposition, make it evident that you with them are looking to Christ who is the great and ultimate wise counselor.

7:04 That He is the one who knows the heart. The Lord Jesus. By you. By your spirit.

7:08 Help us as we talk. Help me as I seek to bring the Word of God to bear upon the situation. Lord, give us wisdom. Make it evident that you're the mouthpiece of all three of you looking beyond yourselves to the living God for His help in that time.

Confidentiality and Engagement

7:24 Then do not promise unqualified confidentiality. You have no more right to promise unqualified confidentiality. If someone confesses, it's a capital offense, and they have not gone to the authorities, you may have a moral obligation not only to put pressure upon them, and they may not yield to that pressure, but to disclose their sins. You have no right under God to give unqualified, a commitment to unqualified confidentiality.

7:58 We had a situation recently where a sister in seeking to minister to another sister, and this sister said to her, you know, whatever's on your heart, share it with me. And then this particular individual said, well, I just can't. I know how close you and your husband are, and meaning, well, if you've got a struggle with some personal sin and all the rest, you can trust me. If it's something of that nature, I won't even share that with my husband.

8:26 You can trust me. Well, then this individual began to pour out some of this rotten, stinking slander and unfounded rumors, and, and by the time this other godly sister recognized it, oh, well, wait a minute, wait a minute. No, I don't want to hear anymore. She spent a sleepless night keeping it from her husband.

8:47 And she said, no, my husband has a right to know this, and I need to seek his counsel what to do. I made a promise within a given sphere of reference. This woman took advantage of it, and I am not going to be held to an unrighteous use of my commitment as a sister. So she spoke to her husband.

9:05 He said, thank you. The husband got in touch with the other woman's husband, and the woman, and rebuked them.

9:13 Was she wrong? No. That woman had no right to use her expression of goodwill to snatch upon a promise of unqualified confidentiality. And thankfully, at this juncture, the issue seems to be resolved.

9:29 But again, you see, these things come back to you in the ongoing, long before, I mean, long after, this was in the notes, this situation is one that came up this week, and I use it to illustrate how, how vital some of these things are, and I wish someone had told me them much earlier in my ministry, though thankfully, I've never been put in that embarrassing situation of giving such an unqualified promise that I felt myself torn between my role as a citizen and as a servant of Christ. Then be prepared to engage yourself completely in the section. Colossians 3.17 Whatever your hand finds to do, do with all of your might as unto the Lord, and not as unto men.

10:11 And as we've alluded to earlier in one of the other lectures, while preaching has its own peculiar concentration of all your faculties, and with it a greater sense of exhilaration, the concentration is nonetheless real and sometimes even more intense in a counseling session. So you don't take the laid-back approach. You may be sitting back in your chair to assume a posture that invites information, but it doesn't mean you shifted into neutral in your mind, in your spirit, and in your engagement with God and with that individual. And then I've listed this eighth directive in terms of setting and maintaining the proper climate.

Preventing and Rebuke Unbridled Carnality

10:51 Don't allow any unbridled carnality to be manifested. In the world, there is this doctrine of constructive fighting, and counselors encourage it in sessions, particularly between husbands and wives. They actually encourage it. Well, we as the servants of God cannot encourage the outbreak of unbridled carnality.

11:14 Now, sometimes you can't stop it. I had a woman quick as a cat reach across and smack her husband on the side of the head so hard he was deaf in his left ear for three days. Now, I mean, it was just BOOM! I've never seen anything like that in 40 years in the ministry.

11:34 But, well, the moment I got over the initial shock, I had to say, that's enough. That will not go on in this study. We're in the presence of God. But there have been other times when you could feel the steam building, the man is speaking, and the woman's sitting there, and you say, Ma'am, that body language is just as wicked as if you were cursing at your husband.

11:56 Stop it. I will not tolerate it in this place, in the presence of God. And you rebuke it. Then that sin would be before all, that is, before the other person.

12:06 At least the all may be the husband or the wife. You cannot allow unbridled carnality to be manifested. And not rebuke it.

12:16 And so I would urge you then in taking charge of the session to realize that inviting someone into your study does not give them carte blanche to say anything and to act any way with impunity. You must, under Christ, recognize your responsibility to give positive, biblically edifying structure and control to the counseling session. So much then for setting and maintaining the proper climate. Now then, we come to diagnosing the problem or the prob-lens.

Diagnosing the Problem: Listening Carefully and Fully

12:48 And first, and here's the little strand of truth in the typical counseling approach, listen carefully and fully. Listen carefully and fully.

13:01 The key text under this heading is Proverbs 18 and verse 13. Proverbs 18 and verse 13. He that gives answer before he hears, it is folly and shame unto him. So you don't want to heap to yourself folly and shame and you don't want to answer therefore before you hear.

13:23 And your effort in hearing carefully and fully is calculated to obey John 7 and verse 24. This is one of the texts that more than perhaps any other has helped in this matter of holding off judgment till you get all the facts. Judge not according to appearance, but judge righteous judgment. And it's interesting in the context to whom is our Lord speaking this.

13:51 Not to true disciples. He is speaking this to these recalcitrant Jews. Verse 15. The Jews marveled, saying, How knows this man letters, having never learned?

14:03 Jesus answered them and said, My teaching is not mine, but him that sent me. The multitude answered. Verse 20. You have a demon.

14:12 Who seeks to kill you? Jesus answered and said to them, I did one work. He's talking to these recalcitrant Jews and he says, You are responsible to judge not according to appearance, but judge righteous judgment. How much more the people of God, indwelt by the Spirit of God and committed to righteousness and to truth, we must be committed to judge not according to appearance, not according to the first three sentences, not according to an unchallenged statement of what is and what is not.

14:46 But judge righteous judgment. That means you've got to get sufficient facts of the whole situation in order to make a proper judgment. And then John 7 and verse 51 as well. Does our Lord judge a man except it first hear from himself and know what he does?

15:06 Not what it's reported he does, but what he actually does. What he does. What he does. What is validated upon, concrete testimony.

15:18 That alone is to be the basis of making an accurate judgment. Now this may mean, and someone raised the question between the sessions about this, that you will want to take judicious notes as someone speaks. Now if someone does not know your counseling method and you've not built up a previous stock of interaction, you may want to say, now I do want to take just a few notes while you're speaking so that I don't interrupt you, but there may be certain things, threads I want to pick up. Excuse me if my eyes just glance down occasionally and you make it plain that this is what you're doing.

15:54 You're not there. You see, some people have an image that they may think, well, you know, you are sort of semi-omniscient because you're now counseling. What's he writing about me? What did he discover about me?

16:05 Well, you don't want that to come into their mind unnecessarily. So say, I'm just taking notes or two along the way to just jog my memory. Maybe threads I'll want to pick up. And during that time of listening carefully, carefully and fully, you may want to take notes.

16:18 They may use certain words, may allude to certain things that if you were to pull that thread now would get them off track. You'd go down a rabbit trail, but that may be helpful for you as you interact. But listen carefully and fully. And in conjunction with that, in diagnosing the problem, the second directive is crucial.

Diagnosing the Problem: Asking Probing Questions

16:38 You must ask probing questions. You must ask not impertinent questions, but probing. And there's a difference between the two. Proverbs 20 and verse 5.

16:52 Proverbs 20 and verse 5.

16:59 Counsel in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. There's something down in the heart of a man like the water in the depths of a well. You've got to put down the bucket into the deep part and pull it up. Counsel in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

17:22 I commend to you the comments of Bridges in his exposition of Proverbs. He writes, The depths in the heart of man are not easily fathomed. Often are they the subtlety of evil. David was duped by the smooth promises of Saul and afterward by the religious hypocrisy of his ungodly son.

17:42 And he footnotes those texts, as you know Bridges does. The counsel of Daniel's enemies was too deep for Darius to see the bottom of it. The counsel of Herod probably blinded the wise men as to his real intentions. And yet a man of understanding will often draw out the subtle counsel and set it in its true light.

18:01 David described the deep counsels of his enemies as one who had penetrated the bottom. Job accurately discovered the true but indirect counsel of his mistaken friends. Paul drew out the secret counsel of selfishness in the schismatical preachers of the gospel. Philippians 1 and verse 5.

18:19 And here you want to get the facts. Who, what, when, where, why, how often. Especially when you're dealing with shameful patterns of sin in any of God's people. They tend to play head games upon themselves.

18:36 Not deliberately in an attempt to deceive you, but they don't want to look at the ugly reality that really is. For example, the man comes into the study. It's a follow-up visit of a brother who's struggling with pornography. He's been away on a business trip.

18:52 And you say to him, so and so, how did you do on the business trip? Well, I had a few skirmishes with my nemesis. A few skirmishes? Yes.

19:00 You put a piece of paper in front of him and you say, all right, when did you arrive in the motel? Tuesday night. Any skirmishes? Well, yes.

19:08 What happened Tuesday night? Well, I visited a porno shop. Write it down. Wednesday.

19:14 Well, I was off to the seminar at home at six. What happened between that? Write it down. And by the time he was done writing down what he did between Tuesday and Friday, I said, put a line at the bottom.

19:26 Now, total it all. What's it look like? He said, it looked like a four-day sex orgy. And I said, you came into my study and said you had a few skirmishes.

19:34 Now, brother, I don't believe you were trying to deceive me. Your own heart was attempting to deceive you. And my task was to help you to look the extent of this problem square in the eye. Now, see, had I just said, oh, a few skirmishes and dealt accordingly, I would have been giving horrible medicine.

19:52 I was making a judgment about the problem that wasn't righteous because I didn't have enough facts. And that wasn't kind. And so you have to ask probing questions. Someone says, well, I'm having struggles with my prayer life.

20:07 Can you give me a book on prayer? Well, you've got to ask, well, when did you begin to have these struggles? And before long, you begin to realize that the struggles go right back to the time when they allowed an unresolved conflict between themselves and a wife or a husband or a friend or a fellow church member. And the real issue is that they have an unresolved ethical problem at the horizontal level with a brother or sister in Christ.

20:31 So you've got to ask probing, not impertinent, but probing questions. For example, we have a situation recently where we've been working with a couple and there have been some serious problems in the marriage and one of them has been in the whole area of the woman not fulfilling 1 Corinthians 7. Well, it wouldn't do good to just get her in and say, how are things going? Oh, they're going fine.

20:58 There's only one person next to God that knows things are fine. So we said, in following up on this particular thing, we would like your husband to come with you. And so without being impertinent and asking questions that would be injudicious and unkind and unwise, he just read 1 Corinthians 7 and said, are you doing what this passage says regarding your body as the property of your husband and rendering to him his due? Well, I believe there's progress.

21:27 Let her fully talk out and said, well, turn to her husband and say, you've heard what she says. Can you say amen to it? Yea or nay?

21:38 Well, how else could you judge righteous judgment? The woman might really think she's making great progress and the poor guy's pacing the floor night after night with unfulfilled passion because her wife won't give himself to her. Or it may be she feels such guilt over the past that she's doing far better than she thinks she is. And she needs her husband to say, I couldn't take her doing any better than this.

21:59 She'd wear me out. Then you know. But how are you going to know if you don't have them both sitting there? This is what I mean by asking the probing questions.

22:10 And this is your responsibility before God if you're going to be an effective pastoral counseling. I commend to you, I think I've put it into your notes, see pages 274 to 293 in the Christian Counselors Manual. If you don't have this, I urge you to get a copy of it as J. Adams says, it's not meant to replace competent to counsel, but to supplement it with a lot of the how-to suggestions.

Diagnosing the Problem: Observing Body Language

22:33 All right? Then thirdly, keep your eyes open. The whole idea of body language is not a modern psychological concept. It is a biblical concept because of the interplay of soul and body.

22:46 And I've listed the text, Genesis 4, 5 to 7. It's amazing how in that incident of God coming as the interrogator to Cain after he has slain Abel, the place, it's given to body language. The scripture tells us in verse 5, Cain was angry and his countenance fell. The muscles in his face manifested the disposition of his heart.

23:14 And it's interesting when the Lord begins to interrogate him, where does his interrogation focus? And the Lord said unto Cain, not why are you angry and why is your soul in turmoil? He says, why are you angry and why is your countenance fallen? And then he says, if you do well, shall it not be lifted up?

23:38 Three times the body language is brought into focus. And Nehemiah 2, the incident referred to earlier, what caused the king to know that Nehemiah was distressed? He says, your countenance is not the way it normally is. Normally your body language says I'm a happy camper here in the court.

23:56 But this day you hold the cup before me and your face is telling me something, something's wrong in your soul. And Proverbs 24, 29 and 30 focuses again upon this reality. Proverbs 24,

24:12 verses 29. No, it's the wrong, it's the wrong text. Proverbs, ah, that's the wrong text.

24:26 Well, we'll have to come back and I'll have to go in and get the concordance and find it. This is one of those problems I said you get with, with Proverbs. It's something, 29 and 30, is when I reviewed it. Well, we'll have to come back to find it later.

24:38 I'm sorry, just strike that out, put a question mark by it. Proverbs 6, 12 and 13.

24:45 Oh, is that it? Okay, thank you. 21, 29 and 30. Yes, here we are.

24:51 Is that it? I'm not sure. A wicked man hardens his face, but as for the upright he establishes his way. No, I'm not sure that that's it.

24:59 That doesn't sound right. All right, but Proverbs 6, 12 and 13. Proverbs 6, 12 and 13. A worthless person, a man of iniquity, is a man of iniquity.

25:09 Is he that walks with a perverse mouth, now notice, he's described now in verse 13 in his body language, winks with his eyes, speaks or shuffles with his feet, and makes signs with his fingers in whose heart is perverseness, who devises evil continually, who sows discord. So here this worthless person who walks with a perverse mouth is described in his body language, winks with his eyes. We're on the inside track. We know.

25:39 He shuffles with his feet, makes signs with his fingers. Body language. Well, when I say keep your eyes open, it's based upon this reality. It's what Dr. Adams calls in the Christian manual, pages 257 and 8, halo data.

25:56 You're asking the husband about a given situation. And this is where if you've trained your peripheral vision, as my mother worked with me to do, and then as you have to learn if you're going to make it at all in football, you put your eyes right on the person you're talking to, but you know that Brian's sitting here with his hands like this and you know that Abel is there with a little different position and your peripheral vision, you've got everybody in there and you see that when he's talking about doing this or that, you sense her eyes going up saying, what in the world is he talking about? Now you don't turn and say, woman. You know, no.

26:28 But you take that in. All right? And then you notice when he's talking about something else, she begins to get very fidgety and her hands begin to go like this. You take note of that.

26:38 And then when you come back and say, now, sister, so-and-so, I noticed when your husband was saying that you didn't feel very comfortable, did you? Now she's going to think you're reading her mind, but you weren't reading her mind. You were looking at her body language. Now why weren't you comfortable when your husband was saying that?

26:55 It's obvious you were not comfortable. What was disturbing you? What was not washing with you? And then you watch him.

27:01 When you're fixed on her, you watch his peripheral vision. And you know that Pat's got his hands in a certain position. He's got his arms folded. And you're alert to these signals that they're sending.

27:11 Now you're not an infallible interpreter of them, but in the light of the word of God, the fact that there is such a thing as body language, and God has given you sight, and you're doing all that you do in this counseling session with all your might, you use your eyeballs. Keep your eyes open and pick up what Dr. Adams calls the halo data that people are sending. But then fourthly, in diagnosing the problem, you're determined to listen carefully and fully, ask probing questions, keep your eyes open, and then you're going to be able to do that.

Diagnosing the Problem: Avoiding Premature and Simplistic Conclusions

27:41 And then you're going to be able to do that. Now this will be very difficult at times. Seek to avoid premature or simplistic conclusions. Seek to avoid premature or simplistic conclusions.

27:55 Not all problems are rooted in one fundamental issue. There may be several, and there is a tendency, even in counselors, to say, well, what is the root issue? Now sometimes there is a root issue, and you're dealing with a root issue with a bunch of branch issues up here, but sometimes it's not one root issue. And in your desire to help people and to make an accurate analysis, there is a built-in tendency to jump to a premature or to a simplistic conclusion.

28:27 Furthermore, don't think in terms of predetermined categories or stereotypes through the years. My wife and I have interacted on this. You'll get a book that will say, women this, women that. I say, honey, am I married to women?

28:43 Or, to a specific woman? Husband, dwell with your wives according to knowledge. What knowledge? Generic knowledge of women?

28:51 Well, that doesn't hurt to have some overall understanding of how men and women are different. All the screeching and hollering of aggressive feminism, notwithstanding, there is something different other than our major plumbing fixtures. There are some fundamental differences, and we ought to be aware of them. But don't put every woman into a stereotypic category, and every man.

29:13 Women generally think, this way, that may be accurate, but not every specific, single, individual woman will think in that way. So, avoid premature and simplistic conclusions, and beware of thinking that everyone's problem is a mirror image of your own. Now, this is difficult in the light of 2 Corinthians 1, 3, and 4. God who comforts us in all our tribulation, in order that we may be able to comfort others by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

29:47 And because in your particular situation, the peculiar answer was this set of biblical principles, you tend to think that in something that looks like the same thing, this will of necessity be the answer to their problem. And it may not be. Remember the book of Job. Things were not what they appeared to be.

30:07 They had a theology of suffering and of pain and of evil and of God's relationship to those realities that led them to premature simplistic conclusions. And then they sought to press those things upon poor Job. You don't want to be a Job's comforter. One of the most difficult things that you will face in pastoral counseling, and there are few things that ever make me for the moment say, Lord, I can't continue in the ministry.

30:37 There are a few. Only a few. But this is one of them. When someone bears his heart, bears her heart, you have every reason to believe they're being as honest as they can be.

30:47 And you've been sitting there praying. You've done whatever preparation you could. And you can make no definitive conclusion about what the real malady is, much less the remedy. And you've got to tell them.

31:00 It is one of the most frustrating, heart-wrenching experiences to tell someone distressed in soul, I don't even know what the root of your problem is, much less what the answer is. Sometimes you've got to tell them that. But I am committed to telling them to pray with you. I am committed to cry to God that God will help us to make a proper diagnosis and to know what the biblical remedy is.

31:25 Far better to send some people away open, wounds, bleeding, and knowing that you bleed with them empathetically and with Christian compassion than to heal slightly the hurt of the daughter of my people saying, peace, peace, when there is no peace. Or to tell them they've got a case of spiritual pneumonia when in reality they've got some form of cancer.

Diagnosing the Problem: Avoiding Prejudicial Analysis

31:49 Avoid that. Then, fifthly, avoid prejudicial analysis. Avoid prejudicial analysis. And here the key text, again, Proverbs 18 and verse 17.

32:03 Proverbs 18 and verse 17. He that pleads his cause first seems just.

32:13 A man comes and says, look, I have been wronged in this area and here are the facts. And he seems just. The case seems very convincing. But the problem is you get the neighbor in and what happens?

32:27 But his neighbor comes and searches him out. You've alleged thus and thus. How could that be in the light of this? And now suddenly your case is cracked.

32:35 And then the neighbor says, yes, in the light of this and in the light of this, how can this be? Now your case has come unraveled and by the time the neighbor's done you say, what a fool I would have been to have accepted reality within the framework of the first case. This is the first man's testimony. It seemed just.

32:52 But his neighbor came and searched him out. Avoid prejudicial analysis. Again, we go back to John 7, 23 and 24. Judge not according to appearance.

33:05 Judge righteous judgment. By background, personal experience and temperament you will tend to favor men or women or one class of people against another. If you have had to come to the defense of an abused woman, if you've had to nurture as your wife someone who went through the trauma of domestic breakup, a brutal father or a domineering mother and you've had to nurture that person, you have a built-in prejudice to be overly protective to any woman. It will be hard for you to be strictly objective with women.

33:45 On the other hand, if you have a subtle resentment of women because of having an overbearing mother, you may be prejudicial to believe any woman who is assertive and aggressive and intelligent is an echo of that overbearing, domineering mother that put her stamp on you. And all of us bring those predispositions, brethren, and we need to cry to God, Lord, help me to avoid prejudicial analysis. Listen to the statement again.

34:18 This is Bridges. I had Bridges. No, it was...

34:22 Was it? No, it was Kylan Dalich on the text in Proverbs about still waters are deep, et cetera, but I'll pass over that and come to Wilson's comment on 1 Timothy 5.21, the last text that I've listed under this head. Paul solemnly charges Timothy to carry out the preceding disciplinary instructions with perfect fairness, neither prejudging the case nor showing any favoritism, as the Apostle's every act is governed by his awareness of the divine presence, he fittingly reminds Timothy that his administration of the church comes under heavenly scrutiny, for every church leader needs to be reminded that his conduct is witnessed by God and Christ Jesus and the elect angels.

35:08 And then he comments on the significance of that conjunction. But it's the charge in the sight of God and Christ Jesus and elect angels to observe these things without prejudice, doing nothing by partiality.

Diagnosing the Problem: Seeking Counsel from Others

35:23 He is to count on God to carry out his task with perfect fairness. And then, number six, check things out with others. Proverbs 11.14, one of the many, many proverbs that points in this direction, where no wise guidance is, the people fall.

35:42 But in the multitude of counselors, there is safety. In most cases, hopefully it will be your fellow elders, and with growing circles of intimacy, I trust it will be ministerial friends who are proven friends that you know are doing the thing you're seeking to do in interacting with the people of God. Check things out with them. Seek their counsel.

36:09 In certain situations, again, you will know this particular friend has unusual insight in this particular area, and you will tap in to that friendship. As a brother is born for adversity, certain brethren are born for unusually helpfulness. So counsel in areas A, B, C, or D. I had a situation in my own personal and domestic experience this week where I sought the counsel of my former fellow elder, Pastor Dixon, because over the years in this particular area, he has manifested a wisdom that none of my current fellow elders has manifested.

36:43 Well, he's my brother, and I love him, and he loves me. So I tapped into his wisdom and counsel on this matter. So check things out with others in the multitude of counselors, if there is safety. If you have legitimately sworn to confidentiality, don't break that confidentiality.

Diagnosing the Problem: Finding Biblical Definitions and Resolutions

37:01 Don't name names. Get broad strokes, as I've done in taking some of the incidents here this morning. And then number seven, seek constantly to find the biblical definition or illustration of the problem. And brethren, I can't emphasize this enough in our day.

37:17 Seek constantly to find the biblical definition or illustration of the problem. 2 Timothy 1 and verse 13. Hold fast a pattern of sound words. There is a pattern of sound or healthy words.

37:33 These very words that Timothy has heard from Paul in faith and love that is in Christ Jesus. And 1 Corinthians 2, 12 and 13, where Paul speaks of it's the Spirit who unfolds the things of God. Which things we speak, not in words which man's wisdom teaches, but in words which the Spirit, the Spirit teaches. And in this day of abounding cycle babble, hardly a week or month passes without some new syndrome being developed.

38:04 I couldn't believe it. The other day, I caught a little bit of the news which I seldom watch simply because there just isn't time in the schedule to do it. And lo and behold, they come up with a new name. They call it muscle something.

38:17 It's the opposite of anorexia. And the whole article was on guys who get hooked on pumping iron. Doctors and lawyers who've left their practice to spend six and eight hours a day in the gym. And when they get their biceps up to 18 inches, they still feel their skin, just like the anorexic always feels she's fat, even when she's got nothing but bones and skin and weighs, you know, 72 pounds.

38:42 And lo and behold, they've called it a sickness.

38:46 They've called it a sickness. And it's called muscle something syndrome.

38:52 And I didn't know whether to cry, laugh, kick the television, do what I did. I felt frustration. I said, I can't believe it. Someone throws off the worship of God, Romans 1.

39:03 There's our biblical category. They're worshiping and serving the creature more than the creator. And they've made a god of their body and they wonder why their god demands more and more of his subjects. There's our biblical category.

39:17 So when you get a man comes in and says, you know, I just find myself, I think they call it muscle something or other and I've got this addiction. You say, no, no, my friend, here's your problem. And you take him to Romans, chapter one, and you give a biblical definition to his wretched idolatry, worshiping his body. Call it what it is.

39:33 Now, don't stand there and pout like I do. Be sweet and nice. But at the end of the day, you've got to take him to the Bible and you've got to show him what his sin is. There is a biblical remedy for biblical maladies.

39:46 And therefore, seek to bring the problem, if it is a spiritual problem. Now, if it is a matter of hypoglycemia, you're not going to find a biblical definition. You're going to have the generic realities of the interaction of the soul and the spirit and how sin is insinuated into our physiology. Deal with that.

40:05 Send him to the doctor. Send her to the doctor. But when we're dealing with these other things that come within the categories of moral and ethical behavior rooted in spiritual and moral issues, seek to come up with a biblically defined problem and find a biblically directed resolution to the problem. And that, of course, is the bottom line of the tremendous contribution that Dr. Adams has made to this whole field. His insistence that we must in these matters seek to come within the orbit of biblical categories of aberrant behavior and biblical resolutions to that behavior. Now, that's all under the heading of what you're doing as you seek to diagnose the problem when that person comes into your study and you're seeking to minister to them wisely and compassionately and again you will pick up other things along the way but these are ones that at least whatever their deficiency is I can say as David did of his armor of Saul's armor I can't use it it's not proven I can go out with my sling and my confidence in God

41:13 and I have seen them effective and for what it's worth these things I have found helpful over the years and I trust you will as you incorporate them into your own pastoral counseling. Well, we've come right up on the hour brethren and I know some of you are under particular time constraints to go hither and yon so let's pray and then any who wish to remain and ask questions I am able to do that I have a counseling session coming up at 2 o'clock but between now and then I'll be available. All right? Let's pray.

41:45 Our Father, we do thank you for your word that it is a lamp unto our feet and a light to our pathway and we pray that the many perspectives that we have sought to address from your word this day that you would take the things that are true to the overall witness of Scripture and write them upon our hearts whatever has had the mixture of our own thought that you would blow upon it that you would help us by your grace to internalize these things as we deal one with another and as we are privileged to minister to the needs of others. Help us, our Father and make us, we pray to be mighty in the Scriptures in our one-to-one dealings with your people as well as in our public ministries. Hear us and help us watch over us during this time when we are parted one from another. We pray that your blessing and your grace would be operative in each of our hearts and lives. Hear us then and receive our thanks for your presence with us today. We ask through our Lord Jesus Christ.

42:49 Amen.