Adjustment and Communication

The point: Obtain and read Dwight Harvey Small's book on marriage, 'Design for Christian Marriage,' for profound and practical thoughts.

Martin quotes Dwight Harvey Small's book to underscore the inherent dangers and colossal privileges of marriage, setting a serious tone for the discussion.

Before I even introduce our study tonight and briefly review what we covered last week, I thought I would just read, by way of introduction to the introduction, several paragraphs from Dwight Harvey Small's excellent book, which I trust all of you have in your possession, in which you have read, and which you will read and reread in the years ahead. It's a book that never is out of date, even after you've been married many years, you'll find great help from it. But speaking of the seriousness of marriage, he says, we approach the subject with awe for another reason, for in every marriage the i...

0:02 - 0:45 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Three primary factors make adjustment difficult: ingrained differences between partners (shaped by genetics and life experiences), the inexperience of partners in this unique…

Martin uses the analogy of two circles or ponds, representing 'him' and 'her,' each filled by unique 'streams' of genetic, experiential, and environmental influences, to illustrate the ingrained differences that make marital adjustment challenging.

In all the responsibilities of marriage? Well, let me give you three basic reasons. Number one, the ingrained differences of the two partners in the marriage. Think of it this way. Here are two circles. And for those who are listening to this on tape, I'll try

13:28 - 13:46 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Three primary factors make adjustment difficult: ingrained differences between partners (shaped by genetics and life experiences), the inexperience of partners in this unique…

He provides an example of a couple disagreeing on their daughter's dating age, revealing a deep-seated, unaddressed issue from the wife's past, to show how ingrained differences can surface years into a marriage.

Attitudes that you never even realized were there. For instance, here's a couple who've had no disagreement on how to rear the children until it comes to the question, how old should a child be before you allow that person to date? And lo and behold, the wife, she had a very, very sordid experience when she first dated at age 16, when some guy who was smart aleck, and knew what it was to wrap little 16-year-old girls around her finger, almost robbed the girl of her virginity, and put such a scar on her that she said, my daughter's never going to date me. Well, that never became a matter of dis...

17:51 - 18:31 Read in full sermon

The point: Engage in an honest, frank, and realistic courtship to assess compatibility and gain experience before marriage.

Martin uses the metaphor of 'floating off on a cloud with Prince Charming' to describe unrealistic expectations of marriage, contrasting it with the reality of daily life.

Because at least here you see if there's some reasonable hope that you can adjust to your differences, and you see enough of each other to gain a little bit of experience to know that marriage is not going to be simply floating off on a cloud. A cloud into the sunset with Prince Charming and dwelling in the castle in the clouds while the birds all chirp around you and the spring never leaves and it's summer all day long. You know, that may be nice for movies and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but that ain't where you're living and that ain't where I'm living. So, we have this inexperience an...

21:02 - 21:45 Read in full sermon

The point: Face marriage with the understanding that undiscovered remaining sin will surface, preparing for shocking undoing if ignored.

Martin shares a personal testimony of discovering his own capacity for anger and retaliation after marriage, despite a reputation for getting along with people, illustrating how marriage reveals indwelling sin.

The Lord gave me some measure of grace in putting up with difficult people so that even when I was in college, the dean of men, when he found some guys that were very, very recalcitrant and insubordinate and couldn't get along with anybody, they'd say,

23:34 - 23:49 Read in full sermon

Driving home: adjustment lasts as long as the marriage because the people who are adjusting to one another are always changing and the circumstances of the marriage and its responsibilities are always changing

He describes a husband's (Prince Charming's) adjustment to a new baby, where his wife is no longer solely focused on him, illustrating how changing responsibilities demand ongoing adjustment and can challenge expectations.

Just when you begin to think you're learning how to, you know, get along pretty well together and you're bending to each other in areas where you need to not, then a baby comes along and everything's thrown in the cockpit.

27:18 - 27:28 Read in full sermon

Driving home: I mean sensitive in this sense the ability to feel as my partner feels in other words I have her nerve endings under my skin or to change the analogy I'm able to see the situation through her eyeballs

Martin uses the example of a newlywed couple disagreeing on thermostat settings (60 vs. 70 degrees) on their wedding night to illustrate the need for flexibility and adaptability in morally neutral areas.

or adaptability and that's you know when your first critical adjustment problem is going to come it's going to come on your wedding night before you even go to bed that's right because here Henry runs over there and starts to turn the thermostat down and she says what are you doing Henry he says I'm turning the thermostat down at fifty from the time I was a kid I was brought up in a home where they said lots of good cool air at night keeps you healthy and wealthy and wise and she says oh but that'll never do that'll never do I'm a cold blooded person and even smuggling up close I can't stand i...

34:50 - 35:35 Read in full sermon

Driving home: love is not satisfied until it's found an opportunity of embodying itself in service involving cost labor and pain the things from which selfishness shrinks love ardently longs for

He compares sinful patterns to stubborn weeds that, even after being pulled, reappear, illustrating the need for patience in personal change within marriage.

were those streams flowing into the pool that make me me well they were flowing in for 22 plus years when I got married for some of you they've been flowing in less for some of you they've been flowing in a lot more I've been not looking in any direction so I'll be giving giving away agency I'll look up at the pretty dark beams above me but you see these things aren't going to change overnight any more than when the Lord saved you all of the sinful patterns haven't changed overnight your attitude toward them changed but many of them are like stubborn weeds you think you've pulled them out and ...

38:33 - 39:18 Read in full sermon

Driving home: love is not satisfied until it's found an opportunity of embodying itself in service involving cost labor and pain the things from which selfishness shrinks love ardently longs for

He gives the example of an orderly wife married to a disorderly husband (who throws socks on the floor) to illustrate the 'aesthetic pain' and the need for the 'love that suffers long' from 1 Corinthians 13.

indicating that it's in the presence of something that would agitate the opposite vice you see love cannot prove itself in a context where there is not something that demands suffering how can I demonstrate the love that suffers long unless I'm suffering and it's suffering for a neat wife who all her life has had every single thing right in its place in her dresser drawers every little bottle of perfume and cologne in its right place under I mean everything about her has been perfectly ordered now suddenly she's married to this character who doesn't have a ounce of sensitivity about her belief...

40:46 - 41:31 Read in full sermon

Driving home: love is not satisfied until it's found an opportunity of embodying itself in service involving cost labor and pain the things from which selfishness shrinks love ardently longs for

Martin quotes an unnamed author on the woman who broke the alabaster box, explaining that true love finds delight in enduring hardships and making sacrifices, which applies to marital adjustment.

myself there with a red arrow to be sure to quote it in my own general study this week and this came up in the strangest place it was in the exposition of the incident of the woman who broke the alabaster box or the vial of ointment and anointed our lord's feet before his burial and speaking of the kind of love she manifested this particular author said this while imposing sacrifices love by way of compensation makes them easy it is not only love's destiny but it is love's delight to endure hardships to bear burdens for the object loved

42:16 - 43:00 Read in full sermon

The point: Husbands, encourage your wives in their efforts to be good homemakers, mothers, and wives, even in small things.

He uses the exaggerated example of a husband needing to encourage his wife's early, perhaps unappetizing, cooking efforts to illustrate the importance of mutual encouragement in developing competence in responsibilities.

real problems in marital adjustment so there must be submission to a common standard in that standard of the scriptures secondly there must be mutual encouragement now fellas this is going to be hard for some of you because we lived in a society in which few young women were reared by their mothers and fathers with a view to being good home keepers good mothers and good wives that means the practical things such as cooking delicious well balanced economical meals few girls in our society know anything about that now when they get married so you've got to encourage she may serve up something th...

46:43 - 47:28 Read in full sermon

Driving home: unless I turn the dark shade into transparent glass by communication they can't look into the soul only God can do that only God only God I need your words to let me know who you are

Martin contrasts animal instinctual signals with human verbal communication to highlight the unique, image-of-God capacity for self-disclosure that is crucial in marriage.

something about the strategic place of communication and I'm thinking particularly of verbal communication now when we come to discuss the sexual role we'll deal with the fact that the sexual relationship between the husband and wife is a very powerful means of communication and it is many other things but I'm speaking particularly now of verbal communication and I've been doing a lot of thought on this in the past couple of years and I think it's accurate to say in the light of the scriptures that one of the things that more than many of us sets us apart from all of the rest of God's creation...

50:27 - 51:12 Read in full sermon

The point: Actively create and sustain a communicating climate in your marriage, making time for genuine conversation.

He describes couples who, if forced to sit and talk for an hour without distractions, would not know what to do, illustrating how modern life and television erode communication skills.

that eat up the climate of communication until suddenly they wake up and find that weeks or months have gone by and they haven't spent a solid hour just sitting down holding hands and talking talking about anything I mean talking about the cockroaches in the kitchen that they can't get rid of talking about some stupid but just plain talking they've lost the ability to talk and there are many couples that if you were to go into their homes tonight and at the point of a gun say sit down on that couch and do absolutely nothing no TV no stereo no nothing just sit there the two of you and talk to o...

54:53 - 55:37 Read in full sermon

The point: Actively create and sustain a communicating climate in your marriage, making time for genuine conversation.

Martin laments the degradation of the English language, citing 'wow man' as an example, to illustrate a broader societal problem contributing to a lack of communicative ability.

of our society the dastardly and that's not a curse word dastardly bad extremely bad influence of the television these two factors have well nigh robbed us of the ability to communicate then there have been other things there's been the prostitution of the English language in which nobody's concerned with the tools of communication when something's great now everything's beautiful he's a beautiful guy it's a beautiful sunset it was a beautiful experience the word beautiful's lost all significance and my classic example of that was amidst those college graduates at an occasion several years ago...

55:37 - 56:22 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: The second factor is dealing with attitudes that cripple communication, primarily the fear of rejection, disappointment, or provoking anger. Martin emphasizes that true love, like…

He draws an analogy between a believer's boldness to approach God in prayer, knowing His unconditional love, and the confidence needed to be transparent with a spouse without fear of rejection.

may someday be or what my partner wants me to be but for what I am now you parallel that with your relationship to the Lord isn't that the glory of the Christian life to know my heavenly father knows everything about me the worst about me and he still loves me so I can come boldly to the throne of grace and as the scripture says pour out your hearts before him at all times ye people I can tell him everything those mornings when I get up and I don't feel like praying I can come to my father and say Lord you know I don't feel like praying Lord I don't feel I don't feel any more spiritual than a ...

58:36 - 59:21 Read in full sermon

The point: Learn the best times to communicate specific categories of concern, being sensitive to your partner's emotional state and circumstances.

He uses the example of a wife immediately dumping problems on her husband as he walks in the door, illustrating the need to learn the best times to communicate sensitive issues and allow for decompression.

mountains are mole mole hills are mountains and fleas become b29s you just dare not you learn other women their cycle is different in terms of their emotional tensions and the rest and just learn you ain't going to change that and I believe Peter had this in mind among other things when he said ye husbands dwell with your wives according to knowledge he had a wife he knew what it was to dwell with a wife according to knowledge you women you'll learn if you've got problems you don't the poor husband he's been out in that work of day world and he's been with ungodly people if the minute he comes...

61:34 - 62:19 Read in full sermon

The point: Conduct a self-analysis of your current communication ability and whether it is improving, static, or declining.

Martin uses the analogy of a ruler numbered 1 to 12 to help couples self-analyze their current communication ability and whether it is improving, static, or declining.

so much for communication I close now with asking you to do a little self analysis alright picture a ruler laid on its edge numbered from 1 to 12 okay that ruler represents your present level of ability to communicate openly realistically with maturity understanding one another enjoy sharing together you can talk about the deepest concerns of your soul you can talk about the most mundane things of life now if this end of the ruler number one represents poor communication

63:48 - 64:32 Read in full sermon