Adjustment and Communication

Introduction: The Seriousness of Marriage and Review of Last Week

0:02 Before I even introduce our study tonight and briefly review what we covered last week, I thought I would just read, by way of introduction to the introduction, several paragraphs from Dwight Harvey Small's excellent book, which I trust all of you have in your possession, in which you have read, and which you will read and reread in the years ahead. It's a book that never is out of date, even after you've been married many years, you'll find great help from it. But speaking of the seriousness of marriage, he says, we approach the subject with awe for another reason, for in every marriage the inherent dangers are great,

0:45 and the privileges colossal. Great privileges are colossal privileges and inherent dangers that are great. The gamble is high for high stakes, and the game is played for keeps. Imagine the miracle of it.

1:01 Two people who've never really lived together at all, suddenly undertake to do just that in a pledged devotion to each other for the rest of their lives. Each one leaves his precious independence at the altar, and come what may, for better or for worse, restricts his or her earthly destinies to the care and keeping of the other. This joining together of destinies has a frightening quality, but the good fortune of one will be the good fortune of the other. The sorrow or loss for one will be the sorrow or the loss for the other.

1:37 Failure and disgrace will be shared, sickness as well as health. Blessings will often have to make way for burdens in this shared life. The very achievement of personal intimacy will in turn create seemingly insuperable, that is, insurmountable problems, leading inevitably to, some severe crises. And then he goes on to say that it's in these times that we realize how vulnerable we are in the intimacy of marriage relationship.

2:06 But then he goes on to say that in contrast to the non-Christian approach, these very crises become the opportunity for the Christian marriage to manifest the strength and power of Christ, showing that there is a dimension in such a marriage that the world knows nothing of. Well, Dwight Small is full of such profound and practical thoughts, if you don't have this book, let me commend it to you. The paperback edition is published by Fleming Revell. You'll find it in almost any Christian bookstore, only 95 cents, and that's the best dollar investment.

2:41 It comes up to a dollar when you pay your five cents tax on it. Now, as we come to the second in this series of studies in what we would be calling pre-marriage counseling, I shall take just a few minutes to touch the highlights of what we covered last week, and then we'll move on into two. Possibly three areas tonight. Under the general heading of introductory issues, I said some things regarding the purpose of these studies, the perspective that affects all of our thinking, and then the personal demands of such a course of study upon each of us.

3:15 And I trust you'll remember as we enter into our study tonight that my purpose is not to provide any magic formulas for a happy, successful marriage, certainly not to give a catalog of all the potential areas in which problems and needs may arise, and certainly it is not to give a detailed or comprehensive treatment of every dimension of marriage. And that's why I'll be recommending books to you, books dealing with the practical matters of finance and children. I'll be recommending tapes, books that deal with certain aspects of the sexual relationships, which it would not be discreet to discuss in an open way as we meet for these sessions. So, in a positive way,

3:58 my concern is, my purpose is to acquaint you with the broad outlines of the biblical truths concerning marriage, to have you imbibe a realistic approach of what marriage is all about. Now, you still can't feel the realism of it until you're in it, but at least you can remember when you're smacked with the realism of it, well, somebody told me this. I do remember that. I thought Pastor was overstating it.

4:23 I reasoned within myself, well, that may be true of most couples, but that won't be our problem. Well, I hope it'll all come back to you. And if you're like the many dozens of other couples that I've counseled through the years, it will come back to you, and you'll come back with a sheepish grin on your face about two or three years from now, and you'll say, Pastor, you didn't overstate it. It is work.

4:44 It has been work, and at times it hasn't been easy. But we remember that you told us it was work, and we've tried to lay hold of the biblical guidelines, and by the grace of God, we are finding the blessing of the Lord. We are finding the blessing of the Lord in our marriage. Now, the perspective that governs everything that I share with you and that I trust, that governs everything you think concerning marriage, is that marriage is established by the God of creation.

5:12 Its various functions are described by the God of revelation who speaks in Scripture. Marriage in its present condition is marred by sin, and marriage desperately needs the redemptive power of Christ. And as I was thinking of these things again today, I was sharing with my wife this very simple fact that if the basic ingredients for a good marriage are present in you young men and women, the basic maturity and spiritual perspectives, there's nothing that these sessions can do for you in the way of any qualitative help. In other words, if the basic ingredients of general maturity and spiritual maturity are there,

5:56 genuine love, biblical love is there, eventually you will have a happy, God-honoring marriage. All these sessions can do is perhaps speed up the process a little bit by making you aware of certain biblical directives and make you aware of certain problems that when they arise you'll face them a bit more quickly. But if the basic ingredients are not there, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make him drink, and so unless there is this willingness to submit to biblical norms, and so unless there is this willingness to submit to biblical norms, then of course 1,522 sessions repeated 37 times will never help us.

6:35 So the demand upon you in the contemplation of these things is to be a doer of the word and not a hearer only. Well, what we went over last time was the role concept. Of course, I didn't even touch on what we might call the psychology of marriage. Dwight Small deals with it in an excellent way in the first three chapters of his book.

6:56 He has that chapter on the quest for the truth. He has that chapter on the quest for intimacy. What is it that makes us long for the marriage union? What is involved in that union of personalities?

7:07 And his treatment of this in the first 90 or so pages of his book is excellent. I commend it to you. My purpose was simply to acquaint you with the broad biblical portions dealing with the role of the husband, the role of the wife. All right, that takes care of a review in a very brief way.

Defining Adjustment in Marriage

7:25 Tonight we move to at least two other chapters. Two other areas, I say possibly a third in terms of time. The second one being adjustment in marriage and the third one communication in marriage and then time permitting, the place of the in-laws in marriage so the in-laws don't become outlaws to us. And it's interesting that the Bible puts the in-laws in the first statement of marriage in Genesis chapter 2, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and they too shall be one flesh.

7:55 All right. Coming then to the second chapter. The second broad area, adjustment in marriage. And the first thing I want to do is try to give a workable definition of what is meant by adjustment in marriage.

8:07 You hear it talked about a lot, well, we hope to do this and this and after we get adjusted to each other then we're going to do this and this. Well, what is marital adjustment? Well the word adjust itself has as one of its dictionary definitions, quote, to resolve or to bring into accord. To adjust something is to resolve a particular situation and to bring certain elements into accord.

8:37 Now, I find it helpful to think of marital adjustment in two areas. Though these areas overlap and though they're intertwined, they are separate. There is first of all the adjustment with respect to the person to whom I married, the adjustment of partners as people. And then there is the adjustment that relates to the person to whom I married, the adjustment of partners as people.

8:58 And then there is the adjustment that relates to the functions or to the responsibilities of the two parties. So we're talking about adjustment of persons to each other and adjustment of persons to specific responsibilities. Now what is adjustment in the realm of persons? Well, here's my definition, it is learning to live harmoniously with one's partner in the multi-leveled intimacy of marriage.

9:24 Now what is adjustment? Well, with reference to my marriage partner. Be it husband or wife. It is learning.

9:31 Now see the word learning. It is acquired behavior. It is not inherited behavior. It's acquired.

9:38 Learning to live, not exist, but live harmoniously. Now there was a time when I thought I knew the difference between harmony and cacophony and lack of harmony, but I'm told it's simply because my ear is not cultivated to the new sounds. But I still think I know the difference between harmony and dissonance. Between harmony and dissonance.

9:57 Between sounds that are harmonious and melodic and those that are, for lack of a better word, cacophonous. You say, how in the world do you spell that? That's c-a-c-a-p-h-o-n-i-o-u-s, cacophonous, I think. I'd have to look at that before I would trust my spelling.

10:15 But anyway, it simply means a jumble of sound that is the opposite, it's the antinomy of harmony. Well, what is adjustment? Learning to live harmoniously with one's partner. Learning to live harmoniously with one's partner in the multi, that is, the many-leveled intimacy of marriage.

10:33 You see, marriage is that unique institution in which the intimacy is shared at every level, from the silliest little things that you giggle about to the deepest burdens that make you weep together to the most intimate expression of human affection known to man. All of these things, the multi-leveled intimacy of marriage. Now, what is adjustment? Learning to live harmoniously with one's partner.

10:56 Learning to live harmoniously with one's partner. Learning to lead harmoniously within that multi-leveled intimacy of marriage, and that's what adjustment is to the person. Now, what about adjustment to the roles and to the responsibilities? Well, I've defined it this way, learning to perform with increasing competence the multi-leveled responsibilities of marriage.

11:23 Learning to perform with increasing competence the multi-leveled responsibilities of marriage. One will not be able to be ecstatic thinking because it is not enough. So that's it, doubts are limitless. responsibilities of marriage. So you have adjustment responsibilities and problems in

11:37 those two areas. And there are times you wish you could just forget all your responsibilities just to work out some problem you're having with each other as people. But lo and behold, beds still need to be made, meals still need to be cooked, the bread still needs to be brought home. And so you're working on adjusting to all these responsibilities while at the same time learning to adjust to this person whom you discover after a very short time you really didn't know when you married. I don't care if you courted for 98 years. Or

12:09 like, what is that song we used to sing? She's a young thing and cannot leave her mother. How old are you? And of course she was, you know, way up in her, she was a geriatric and yet she's a young thing and cannot leave my mother. Well, if you courted as long as Billy

12:23 Boy did with his lady friend in that song, you still don't know. You don't know a person until you're married. And then there is, you see, this tremendous problem of adjustment. Well, this is what we're talking about then when we speak of adjustment. Learning how to live harmoniously with the person and learning how with increasing

Problems and Factors Creating Difficulties in Adjustment

12:41 competence to fulfill the responsibilities. Now, in thinking our way through the subject, I would suggest that we first of all face the problems of adjustment. And I hope this doesn't scare some of you clean out of your engagement. But you remember one of my purposes was to be realistic.

12:58 And I want to be realistic. And there are problems in adjustment, or I should say, factors which create problems in adjustment. And let me suggest that those problems can basically be collated under three headings. Why do not people simply marry and all of a sudden they just immediately and wonderfully enter into harmonious, multi-leveled intimacy in their persons? Why do they not immediately find competence?

13:28 In all the responsibilities of marriage? Well, let me give you three basic reasons. Number one, the ingrained differences of the two partners in the marriage. Think of it this way. Here are two circles. And for those who are listening to this on tape, I'll try

13:46 to describe what I'm putting on the board. I've drawn two circles about the size of a seven-inch pie or eight-inch pie opposite each other. And one represents him and one represents her. Now, that pie is you. That's everything that constitutes you, you. Your physical characteristics,

14:09 your emotional traits, your psychological makeup, your mental abilities and perspectives, your social and aesthetic sensitivities, everything that makes you, you. Him and her, that's what these two circles represent. Now, what's made that circle? That's likened it to a pond, a circular pond. Well, all of

14:30 these differences are made by you. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.

14:31 You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.

14:47 Well, the first stream, of course, was the gene pool that started at conception. When you were fearfully and wonderfully made and knit together in your mother's womb, when your basic physical characteristics were determined, when many of your basic emotional and mental characteristics were determined, when many of your physical and mental characteristics were determined, all of these things flowed in. Early childhood experiences, relationships to father and mother, to brothers and sisters, neighborhood kids, school experiences, positive and negative experiences through childhood, into the teens, into adolescence, all of the people who've touched your life, all of the circumstances, all of the joys, the griefs, the disappointments, all of these things have been streams flowing in to make you what you are today.

15:32 Okay, now there's him with all his streams gathering in this pool that makes him him. Now, here's her.

15:41 But you know what I'm talking about. Here's her. Here she is, okay? We're pointing to the her circle.

15:48 Now, did she get her basic characteristics and everything from the same gene pool? No, no, a whole different set of things went together to make her her, okay? A different way of looking at things, things that constitute her different, not only as a female, but in terms of her...

16:03 Heredity and all of these things, different influences as a child, different associations, experiences. So here, all these streams have been flowing in to make her her. So now you've got these two ponds made up of so many totally different ingredients. Now, thank God that they're both Christians.

16:22 Two of the most powerful ingredients are present in both of them. The grace of God in Jesus Christ, the fellowship of the saints of God. But now, all of a sudden, these two have to come together, and the two should become one, and they've got to form one pool. Their marriage.

16:43 The two shall become one. And yet, wonder of wonders, not one in such a way as to negate their distinct individuality, and yet one in such a way that when the scripture says the two shall be one flesh, they are indeed one. Now, you see, what makes adjustment difficult is that many of the differences that cause tension and friction and misunderstanding, standing in a marriage, are ingrained differences. They go back as far as our conception, as far as influences that touched us very early in our childhood experience, and now all of a sudden, here we are, and we've got to begin to share life together.

17:28 Now, the amazing thing is this. Many of the things that have flowed into your life to make you what you are don't manifest themselves the first month. Or a year, or two, or even ten years of your marriage. There are certain circumstances in the development of the marriage which will bring to light many years after you initially became one.

17:51 Attitudes that you never even realized were there. For instance, here's a couple who've had no disagreement on how to rear the children until it comes to the question, how old should a child be before you allow that person to date? And lo and behold, the wife, she had a very, very sordid experience when she first dated at age 16, when some guy who was smart aleck, and knew what it was to wrap little 16-year-old girls around her finger, almost robbed the girl of her virginity, and put such a scar on her that she said, my daughter's never going to date me. Well, that never became a matter of discussion, you see.

18:31 Now suddenly, they've got a 16-year-old daughter, and she comes in to talk to mom and dad, and mom and dad think they're really compatible, and all of a sudden, boy, her jaw gets set, and she says, that daughter of mine is not going to date till she's legally at age 18. Wait a minute, dear. Let me know what's happening. An ingrained difference has come to light 19 or 20 years after they were married that they never even suspected was there.

18:58 And it's no little one. And that's the kind of thing that, you know, can cause tremendous tension in a marriage. Now, I could multiply examples, but I'm deliberately not doing this. I'm just giving you one that I trust will sort of be the clue to the many others that could be present.

19:13 So, adjustment in marriage is oft times difficult. Reason number one, factor number one, ingrained differences in the marriage partners. Factor number two, the inexperience of the marriage partners. Now, in most other human relationships, you can bring the experience of similar human relationships to bear upon a particular problem.

19:41 All of us have learned how to get along. We've learned how to get along with loudmouths at school. You know, there's always the kid that, you know, goes around the playground telling you how tough he is.

19:54 Well, you'll learn how to live with people like that. Or cut him down to size once in a while. But when you meet another, when you say, oh, yeah, he was like George, you know, he used to be in my eighth grade. Yeah, I know how to handle guys like that.

20:05 And so, you have some experience, see, in almost any human relationship. You haven't met it for the first time. But now you can. You come to marriage, and in most cases, you've never been down that road before.

20:18 And here you have the most of all human relationships, the one that makes the most demands upon us, and we have the least experience for it. And that's why adjustment is often difficult. I've often said, I have no desire to be young again, but if I just could go back and get married all over again, and know when I got married what I know now, I think we'd be that much further along the road. In terms of being able to see things that you don't see simply many times because of the lack of experience.

20:54 This is why, of course, an honest, frank, realistic courtship is generally both desirable and wise.

21:02 Because at least here you see if there's some reasonable hope that you can adjust to your differences, and you see enough of each other to gain a little bit of experience to know that marriage is not going to be simply floating off on a cloud. A cloud into the sunset with Prince Charming and dwelling in the castle in the clouds while the birds all chirp around you and the spring never leaves and it's summer all day long. You know, that may be nice for movies and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but that ain't where you're living and that ain't where I'm living. So, we have this inexperience and hence a reasonably lengthy courtship and an honest courtship is desirable.

21:46 But that's... And there's a third problem or a third factor that creates problems and adjustment you've already anticipated to happen here.

21:53 Not only the ingrained differences of the marriage partners, the inexperience of the marriage partners, but the reality of indwelling sin. You see, it's two sinners who are getting married who are entering the multi-leveled intimacy of marriage. If they're Christians, they're sinners saved by grace, but they're sinners yet. And the scripture says that in us, that is in our flesh, dwells no good thing.

22:22 The flesh lusted against the spirit, the spirit against the flesh. These two are contrary the one to the other. Galatians 5 and verse 17. And may I say very seriously now, we've used a little tongue-in-cheek in humor and it's right in its place, but let me say very seriously, you do not know how much remaining sin is in you until you're married.

22:45 You don't have a clue of how rotten you are until you're married. Oh, you say, yeah, I've had a sight. No, my friend, you don't. The very person who right now, you'd say I'd give my right arm for, there'll be times when you'll be inwardly burning with a spirit as to just the opposite of what you feel sitting there now.

23:06 Oh, not me. Yes, you. Yes. It seems to me those who say, Lord, though all should be guilty, this not I.

23:13 Remember what the Lord said before the cock crowed twice, thou shalt deny me. Christ, whoso trusteth in his own, is a fool. And you do not know how much remaining corruption is in you until the pressure of marriage blows the lid off. May I give a personal word of testimony here?

23:34 The Lord gave me some measure of grace in putting up with difficult people so that even when I was in college, the dean of men, when he found some guys that were very, very recalcitrant and insubordinate and couldn't get along with anybody, they'd say,

23:51 give him Al Martin. Let him be his roommate. Anybody can live, live him, he can. So I had some reputation of being able to get along with people.

23:59 And as a Christian, I'd never known what it was to my knowledge to get angry at anybody and want to retaliate. And what a shock it was to me when I'd only been married a couple of months when I found myself one day just downright mad at my wife. I never struck her. Thank God I never struck my wife.

24:17 But I tell you, my spirit was such that if I'd let it, then I said, Lord, where did that come from? Lord, I've never known anything. Like that, since I've been a Christian, I've just been lying down there all the time waiting for the pressure of the multi-level intimacy of marriage to bring it to the surface. That's all.

24:39 See? And you've got many, many areas of undiscovered remaining sin that are going to slough to the surface. Now, if you face marriage without facing that, you're doomed for a shocking undoing. It's shocking enough when you know something's coming, and then it comes.

25:01 But it's a lot better if you know that it's coming. And by the grace of God, I mean, it's a lot more difficult if you think that you're the exception, and then it does come. What is the root of all pride that makes us unwilling to say, I was wrong? Indwelling sin.

25:17 What's the root of all the stubbornness that says, I'm not going to change in this area. I've done it this way all my life, and what's behind that? Indwelling sin. What's behind the inability to look at the situation through the eyes of your partner on issues that are neither right nor wrong?

25:33 Nowhere does the Bible say it's right or wrong to have the room at 70 degrees at night or 60 degrees. And when you get a marriage partner that says, look, I've always had my room at 60 degrees, and that's the way it's going to be. Well, what lies behind that? Stubbornness.

25:50 Wicked, sinful stubbornness.

25:53 What lies behind the unwillingness of a husband to yield to his wife on matters that are particularly her domain? She just loves a certain color, and he can't stand it. And he just insists that nothing in the house be that color, even though it would please her. He won't subject his own aesthetic sensitivities to his wife's.

26:11 What's behind that? That's sin, indwelling sin, because love does not seek its own. What's the root of all jealousy, all unforgiveness? It's sin.

The Lifelong Period of Adjustment

26:21 And it's this reality of indwelling sin that is the prime factor in the difficulties of marital adjustment. All right? Having looked at a definition of adjustment, some of the problems connected with adjustment now, I want to speak for a few minutes on the period of adjustment. Now, most people talk as if marital adjustment were a matter of, oh, you know, three to six months, a year or two, well, we ought to be pretty well adjusted.

26:46 Well, let's go back to our definition of adjustment. If adjustment involves living harmoniously with my partner, if it involves performing with competence my responsibilities, then you see the only realistic view of adjustment is one that says I will be adjusting throughout the entirety of my marriage because I am not remaining the same, my partner is not remaining the same. We are people in stages of constant development. And our responsibilities aren't the same.

27:18 Just when you begin to think you're learning how to, you know, get along pretty well together and you're bending to each other in areas where you need to not, then a baby comes along and everything's thrown in the cockpit.

27:29 And now Prince Charming has his nose bent. Used to be that his wife would meet him all perky, you know, as a friend, fresh rose at the door and throw her arms around him and, you know, made him feel ten feet tall, made him think he was handsome and beautiful and strong and wise and he was King Solomon and Samson and David and everything all rolled into one. And now suddenly the poor guy comes home and there's no wife to meet him at the door and when he goes around and finally finds her she's back in the bedroom there changing the kid's diapers or maybe just sitting in the corner somewhere crying because she feels she's done nothing today but change diapers and wash dirty diapers and get a little laundry done and she's got bags under her eyes

28:14 she's never had time to do her hair and I tell you Prince Charming has his nose bent. He no longer feels like King David and King Solomon and Bo Brummel and everything all rolled into one and he's got to make some adjustments. You know, he went talking around yeah, we're going to have a kid you know, it's going to be nice going to have a kid you know, big deal, yeah, big deal now the time's come and his nose gets bent and you know, I've seen husbands who've not been able to make that adjustment and be able to rejoice in the mutual sacrifices that that child has demanded and find fulfillment in the sacrifices that he had to make as well as those that his wife had to make you see

28:58 and just when you think you're getting adjusted how to take care of little kids and suddenly they're no longer just little kids in your arms they're developing their own personalities and no two of them the same and you and your wife look at one another and say could two so different kids come from the two same products and you say can be and you say well, we know it is there's been no hanky-panky that's my kid that's her kid and lo and behold so different and you just begin to think you're getting adjusted to how to deal with their different personalities and discipline and how much love they need and how much firmness and then lo and behold they're teenagers and now it's a whole another ballgame and then you just think you're getting adjusted to that and lo and behold they're gone and there the two of you are right back where you started only now he's bald

29:43 and fat and toothless and she's got wrinkles and sags in places where she did not once sag and all the rest and now there's just the two of you right back where you started again 30 years later and now you've got to get adjusted to all of this and then maybe the Lord takes one of them and now there's you see what I'm talking about what is the adjustment period in marriage adjustment lasts as long as the marriage because the people who are adjusting to one another are always changing and the circumstances of the marriage and its responsibilities are always changing you see marriage is not a static relationship it is a dynamic a living relationship

30:27 and I like to parallel it to the Christian life the Christian life is not a static thing the Christian life is always a developing life you see new dimensions new glories new responsibilities new responsibilities new griefs and new sorrows and so with the marriage relationship there will always be this ongoing necessity for adjustment now to encourage the beauty of it is every time you've been able to make adjustments that becomes so much capital laid up in store against the next adjustment you see so that the adjustments become increasingly smooth and natural

31:10 because you're building up a stock of experience in learning how to adjust one to another so then it's amazing the crises that a couple can weather when they've had some years of learning to adjust one to another which if they had early in their marriage would have crippled and here's the tremendous encouragement that our father will not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able but will with every temptation make a way of escape that we may be able to bear it okay having sought to define adjustment pointed out the factors which make adjustment difficult now looking at the period of adjustment now fourthly what are the qualities and graces necessary for effective adjustment

Qualities and Graces for Effective Personal Adjustment

31:55 when you see a couple who are really living harmoniously as persons in the multi-leveled intimacy of marriage there are certain ingredients in that relationship that will always be found if you find they are not living harmoniously these ingredients will always be lacking when you see them with increasing competence fulfilling their many responsibilities certain ingredients are always present and the opposite is true well let's look in those two areas at the level of adjustment to persons these are the characteristics most desperately needed and this is why frankly I don't see how couples who are not Christians

32:40 can hope to have a good marriage now thank God some of them do in common grace but these are qualities that are rare even amongst the people of God let alone amongst the unsick the first one is sensitivity and what do I mean by sensitivity I don't mean that you're always having your feelings hurt someone says well I'm a sensitive person what they mean is they are like one huge red swollen toe that is forever going around waiting for somebody to bruise it and step on it so they can say ouch and then they excuse it by saying I'm a sensitive person what you mean is I'm a self-centered person whose whole world revolves around me

33:23 now I mean sensitive in this sense the ability to feel as my partner feels in other words I have her nerve endings under my skin or to change the analogy I'm able to see the situation through her eyeballs you see that's sensitivity to use biblical language it's that ability to really feel what it means that I should have others do unto me I would do unto others even as I would that they should do unto me how many times

34:07 marriages run into difficult problems in the area of adjustment because a man will say well I just don't understand why in the world she has to think that way well that's just the problem because you don't understand anyone who talks that way is saying in essence I don't care to understand or the wife is saying well I just can't understand a man I mean why in the world does thus and thus and thus and thus well has she really tried to get under his skin and feel as he feels has she really tried to get behind his eyeballs and look at that thing as he looks at it if there's to be any effective adjustment as persons there must be this sensitivity that is the ability to see and to feel as my partner sees and feels then there must be flexibility

34:50 or adaptability and that's you know when your first critical adjustment problem is going to come it's going to come on your wedding night before you even go to bed that's right because here Henry runs over there and starts to turn the thermostat down and she says what are you doing Henry he says I'm turning the thermostat down at fifty from the time I was a kid I was brought up in a home where they said lots of good cool air at night keeps you healthy and wealthy and wise and she says oh but that'll never do that'll never do I'm a cold blooded person and even smuggling up close I can't stand it below seventy below seventy why that temperature will drive you to an early grave don't you know it's not healthy well you may think it's not healthy but I know

35:35 I'll be good and here they're going to have a spat first night so what are you going to do well you can strike a compromise and set the alarm clock and say well from twelve till four we'll have it your way and from four to eight a.m. we'll have it my way well they can say well I'll swelter tonight and you freeze tomorrow night but you see here's a problem of adjustment now what is morally right having the temperature at sixty or having it at seventy well neither one is morally right and if there's not some flexibility and adaptability the first problem of adjustment can turn the first night together into a good weeping session or a pouting session or something else and you say well something like that never happened oh listen

36:19 I've seen couples ready to go on their honeymoon but I wondered if they'd get to their honeymoon cottage or something before they had blows they were all sub-frazzled from all of the falderol connected with rehearsals and receptions and all the other trappings of marriage that they were just about one another's throat and some little thing comes and inability to make the adjustment you see flexibility thirdly there's got to be openness you cannot allow things to dam up in your heart and mind that bother you about your partner if adjustment is learning to live harmoniously harmoniously then I've got to know when there is lack of harmony and therefore

37:04 I've got to live in openness with my partner suppose the young lady involved just bit her lip and said well I won't tell her that I was raised to death and so then she just resents the fact that he's turned the thermostat down to 60 well resentment is not a very good attitude with which to go to one's wedding bed it's not going to make the person the most responsive bite and so the guy thinks well there's something wrong with her I guess maybe she's just under sex or something else you see and maybe she's frigid and then he you see what happens all these little problems why because she wasn't open didn't tell him look I can't stand it that cold it's going to kill me there's got to be openness got to be openness what is more frustrating than to sense

37:49 that you've alienated someone by something you've done or said or maybe it's the you know the smell of your aftershave you don't know what it is and you come to the person and say now look George it's obvious that something's grinding your socks what have I done oh nothing nothing nothing no nothing nothing nothing wrong at all you know and God knows and anybody who's got half an eyeball knows that something's wrong but you see there cannot be adjustment to the thing that is causing irritation unless there's what openness there's got to be openness the quality of openness then add to sensitivity flexibility openness you've got to add patience patience for how many years

38:33 were those streams flowing into the pool that make me me well they were flowing in for 22 plus years when I got married for some of you they've been flowing in less for some of you they've been flowing in a lot more I've been not looking in any direction so I'll be giving giving away agency I'll look up at the pretty dark beams above me but you see these things aren't going to change overnight any more than when the Lord saved you all of the sinful patterns haven't changed overnight your attitude toward them changed but many of them are like stubborn weeds you think you've pulled them out and lo and behold you turn around next week they're six inches tall thriving there in the garden of your own soul and this is true of the marriage relationship so in this matter

39:18 of adjustment we need patience here's the guy that his mother never made him pick up his dirty socks so for 22 years he's thrown his dirty socks on the floor and thy sweet young bride says now Henry dear won't you please put your socks in the hand he says I'll try to remember dear well she gotta be patient with him she may be barking about him about his socks for a long time to come not barking just sweetly reminding him but she's gotta be patient with him gotta be patient these changes don't come immediately in short you know what's needed a baptism a constant baptism of 1st Corinthians 13 it's interesting

40:02 that the love described in 1st Corinthians 13 is love that is described not in terms of the heroic things it does but primarily the many selfish things it does not do love seeketh not her own is not puffed up doth not behave itself unseemly beareth all things that means it doesn't retaliate believeth all things it is not suspicious hopeth all things it doesn't quit you see love is described in what we would call its passive characteristics

40:46 indicating that it's in the presence of something that would agitate the opposite vice you see love cannot prove itself in a context where there is not something that demands suffering how can I demonstrate the love that suffers long unless I'm suffering and it's suffering for a neat wife who all her life has had every single thing right in its place in her dresser drawers every little bottle of perfume and cologne in its right place under I mean everything about her has been perfectly ordered now suddenly she's married to this character who doesn't have a ounce of sensitivity about her beliefs that is

41:31 pain aesthetically that is pain it's like an interior decorator who understands color relationships going into a room that's been perforated by someone who obviously doesn't know what color goes with what and how he feels pain artistic pain well you can feel aesthetic pain you can feel emotional pain now what do you need in this period of adjustment you need the love that suffers not the love that bears all things you see and without that love then there will not be effective adjustment at the personal level well what about the level of responsibilities what qualities are needed if we're going to make that oh before I move on to that I had a quote and I reminded

42:16 myself there with a red arrow to be sure to quote it in my own general study this week and this came up in the strangest place it was in the exposition of the incident of the woman who broke the alabaster box or the vial of ointment and anointed our lord's feet before his burial and speaking of the kind of love she manifested this particular author said this while imposing sacrifices love by way of compensation makes them easy it is not only love's destiny but it is love's delight to endure hardships to bear burdens for the object loved

43:00 love is not satisfied until it's found an opportunity of embodying itself in service involving cost labor and pain the things from which selfishness shrinks love ardently longs for isn't that beautiful he was explaining why did this woman take this that was her only possession of worth and wasted on the savior her love for the savior was so intense that she seized a moment to sacrifice all she had and his point was true love true love ardently longs for these situations so if you fellas girls men and women

Qualities and Graces for Effective Adjustment to Responsibilities

43:45 really love one another there's a sense in which you can't wait for the intimacy of marriage to disclose those things about your partner that are going to cause you some pain so that you might demonstrate the love that bears all things that not behave itself unseen suffers long is kind is gentle and all those other things of first Corinthians 13 alright moving on now to what's needed for adjustment of the level of responsibilities and let me suggest a couple of things in a practical way first of all there must be submission to a common standard you see if adjustment is learning with

44:30 increased competence to fulfill my responsibilities within marriage how can there be any adjustment if there are two different standards of what those responsibilities are so if there's going to be harmonious adjustment in the responsibilities there must be submission to a common standard and of course as Christians that standard is the word of God what am I expecting of my husband am I expecting something that my dreams have forced upon me and now I'm forcing upon my husband or am I expecting what the scripture says he ought to be vice versa what am I expecting of my wife and at this point I want to put in a little plug to say beware

45:14 of the glut on the market of marriage manuals supposedly written by competent doctors and everything else to tell you what to expect in your sex life the Bible is an adequate sex manual it's very frank it's very open and good marriages are being ruined by the experts who are raising levels of expectation beyond the scriptures and books are being written that are leading husbands to expect their wives to perform sexually like professional harlots and I'm stating it bluntly but this is the bald naked fact of the case many a husband who is satisfied with his wife is now dissatisfied because he read a book that said

45:58 a woman who is a real turned on sexual partner ought to be this this this ought to do this this and this and now the level of expectation is far beyond the standard of the word of God and tension and friction has entered that marriage and has brought tremendous problems and some of the stuff is being written by so called Christians this is one of the problems of this woman's book called The Total Woman by Annabelle Morgan don't read it and I know this is going out in the tape and I say it carefully and guardedly but there are parts of that book in which she is as much as saying the Christian woman ought to learn the tricks of the harlot to turn her husband off well this is ridiculous it's not scriptural and it can cause

46:43 real problems in marital adjustment so there must be submission to a common standard in that standard of the scriptures secondly there must be mutual encouragement now fellas this is going to be hard for some of you because we lived in a society in which few young women were reared by their mothers and fathers with a view to being good home keepers good mothers and good wives that means the practical things such as cooking delicious well balanced economical meals few girls in our society know anything about that now when they get married so you've got to encourage she may serve up something that you may have to go in and you may have you know

47:28 pray before you eat it even and take a Pepto-Bismol but find something about it that you can praise encourage even her little efforts that you encourage you must do that now of course I'm being a little grotesque in my illustration but as she's trying to be what God says she ought to be you must give encouragement because discouragement is one of the most crippling things in all the world when you're discouraged you're just a blob of non-ambition and non-performing whereas if there's encouragement you may be very far down on the ladder of accomplishment but at least you're motivated to try same way with you gals there may be some areas where your husband is just going to make a donkey of himself but if he's trying don't laugh at him I mean if you've

48:13 got to laugh you know ask the Lord to help you to bite your lip so you can get alone somewhere and then laugh into the pillow or something but don't let him speak or laugh you must not discourage one another nor demean the honest efforts that you make to help one another alright and then thirdly have realistic expectations realistic expectations and Small's book page 56 to 68 in which he talks about conflict through crisis very very good excellent stuff and I recommend it to you 56 to 68 you see if we get our expectations beyond the realistic stage then � we have

48:58 disappointment and our partner reads that disappointment and then that disappointment produces in him or her discouragement which in turn produces greater disappointment which in turn produces greater discouragement and it's just the downward spiral and I've had to deal with couples we laugh at some of these things but this stuff I haven't read in a book or I didn't get in a course in college on premarital counseling this has been forced out of the crucible of hours of counseling with Christian couples who've got chronic problems because their expectations are not realistic alright well let's hurry up now from adjustments and I'll condense some of the material on communication because we've really I think anticipated on much of it and this will not be as lengthy

The Strategic Place of Communication in Marriage

49:42 alright so that we can be done within the hour I started I think just about a quarter of something around there and I'll try to be done okay now when we come to the matter of communication in marriage I'd like to commend another book to you to obtain and read in the future not necessarily now it's a book by the same author Dwight Harvey Small and it's called Now That You've Said I Do and the whole purpose of that book is to discuss the subject of communication in marriage now the book is not as explicitly biblical as designed for Christian marriage he quotes a lot more from secular authors etc. but it has some very helpful things on the subject of communication now first of all let me say

50:27 something about the strategic place of communication and I'm thinking particularly of verbal communication now when we come to discuss the sexual role we'll deal with the fact that the sexual relationship between the husband and wife is a very powerful means of communication and it is many other things but I'm speaking particularly now of verbal communication and I've been doing a lot of thought on this in the past couple of years and I think it's accurate to say in the light of the scriptures that one of the things that more than many of us sets us apart from all of the rest of God's creation as creatures made in the image of God is this ability to disclose ourselves to another

51:12 by means of verbal communication now I know the animals have a certain level of what is properly called instinctual signals they can make signals by which they communicate but they're simply the product of instinct they have no soul they have no rational faculty therefore the sweetest little you know bambi like dog she can't really disclose her heart to that beautiful young buck that comes prancing through the woods she may send out some signals to let him know she thinks he's handsome and she likes his rack and all the rest but there's no disclosure of her soul it's impossible with the animals you see only man can disclose himself to another now further

51:57 think with me now no one knows you any more than you are willing to disclose yourself to him disclosure cannot be forced you see I only know you to the extent that you've been willing to reveal yourself to me this is true first of all with God to man we only know as much of God as God is pleased to reveal to us we only know as much of each other as we are pleased to reveal to one another now do you see how important verbal communication is in marriage there's a sense in which you can be living with an unknown person

52:41 if there is no communication this is why it's so essential to establish and maintain good open functioning lines of verbal communication during a period of courtship and of course right on through our marriage otherwise we may find that we're living with an unknown person issues may come up under the pressures of the responsibilities of marriage that suddenly a couple look at one another and say well where have we been all these years certain attitudes so fundamental suddenly it seems leap into existence no they've been there all the while but there's been

53:24 no communication so you see how vital if the two shall be one and it says Adam knew his wife you see the whole thrust then of the very concept of marriage is there is this transparency of intimacy in which I let my partner look into my soul by means of the glass of my own communication and unless I turn the dark shade into transparent glass by communication they can't look into the soul only God can do that only God only God I need your words to let me know who you are

Factors for Effective Communication: Creating a Climate

54:08 now your actions do yes we communicate by actions granted but I'm speaking specifically specifically and primarily all right what factors then will make for effective communication let me give you three and then that will be all we'll try to cover tonight number one you must seek to create and to sustain a communicating climate you must seek to create and sustain a communicating climate you know what happens to many marriages people get so busy working out the implications of their marriage the husband seeking to be a provider and the wife seeking to be a homekeeper and all the rest you know what happens those things become a monster

54:53 that eat up the climate of communication until suddenly they wake up and find that weeks or months have gone by and they haven't spent a solid hour just sitting down holding hands and talking talking about anything I mean talking about the cockroaches in the kitchen that they can't get rid of talking about some stupid but just plain talking they've lost the ability to talk and there are many couples that if you were to go into their homes tonight and at the point of a gun say sit down on that couch and do absolutely nothing no TV no stereo no nothing just sit there the two of you and talk to one another for an hour they would know what in the world they would not know what to do the pace

55:37 of our society the dastardly and that's not a curse word dastardly bad extremely bad influence of the television these two factors have well nigh robbed us of the ability to communicate then there have been other things there's been the prostitution of the English language in which nobody's concerned with the tools of communication when something's great now everything's beautiful he's a beautiful guy it's a beautiful sunset it was a beautiful experience the word beautiful's lost all significance and my classic example of that was amidst those college graduates at an occasion several years ago and I'll never forget it and they were describing something and all they could say was it was like wow man it was like

56:22 wow man well I just couldn't keep quiet I said isn't that great isn't that beautifully descriptive it was like wow well you see this is one of the many problems but that's not my purpose tonight to present a thesis on what's contributing to the lack of communicating ability but many a marriage the television has intruded the many responsibilities couples no longer have a climate they flop into bed at night fagged out indifferent to communicate the go through the motions many times of so-called quote making love in which there is no real communication and that's the end of it now may I suggest that if you're to create and sustain a communicating climate you're doing it now

57:07 by discussing the deepest concerns spiritual matters learning to pray together learning to cultivate an interest in the things that the other one likes to talk about never demeaning what another one says you see if you start talking about something in which you're knowledgeable and when your partner whoever it is says oh well I don't understand if you say to them well you're a dummy anybody knows that do you think they're going to bring up that subject again the next time no you've discouraged them by demeaning them making them feel ignorant and put down you see these things must not be create and sustain a climate a communicating climate secondly deal with the attitudes

Factors for Effective Communication: Dealing with Crippling Attitudes

57:51 which cripple communication and let me deal with a couple of them you know it's one of the greatest factors that hinders communication between couples it's fear of rejection or disappointment in your partner if you say what you know you ought to say you say well if I share that what will they think of me in other words what you're saying is I'm really not confident that their love is love for me as I really am is love for what they think right you see whereas true love says I feel safe in the knowledge that I'm loved for what I am not for what I

58:36 may someday be or what my partner wants me to be but for what I am now you parallel that with your relationship to the Lord isn't that the glory of the Christian life to know my heavenly father knows everything about me the worst about me and he still loves me so I can come boldly to the throne of grace and as the scripture says pour out your hearts before him at all times ye people I can tell him everything those mornings when I get up and I don't feel like praying I can come to my father and say Lord you know I don't feel like praying Lord I don't feel I don't feel any more spiritual than a than a dog down in the dumps picking over the garbage now Lord you know it and I

59:21 know it so Lord I can't do anything about it you can so let's get on with it but to know that my father welcomes me where I am you see I don't need to keep anything back from why because I know my father's love is not dependent on my keeping up an image now do you have that kind of confidence in your partner's love that you can dare to be transparent you see if your partner if you feel that you're going to be rejected by transparency then communication is going to be crippled or if you fear disappointing your partner or and this is a tragedy the fear that you'll provoke anger I've heard wives say you dare tell my husband that

60:06 he'd hand me my head what a tragic thing or I've heard fellas say well I wouldn't dare tell my wife that she'll go sulking and pouting for the next week what a tragedy you can't afford the luxury of that kind of immaturity if you're going to be married and have real communication these are the things that cripple communication the retaining of any of those sins mentioned in Ephesians 4 starting with verse 27 and onward speaks about wrath and anger clamor evil speaking he says to be kind tender hearted forgiving one another as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you if we're to have good communication we must not only create and sustain a

Factors for Effective Communication: Learning Best Times

60:50 communicating climate we must deal with the attitudes which cripple good communication and then thirdly we must learn the best times in which to communicate specific categories of concern learn the best times to communicate specific categories of concern if you young men haven't learned it now you'll soon learn it there are certain negative things you don't communicate to your partner certain times during the month you just know that that just ain't the time to come with negative news some women in terms of their monthly cycle a week before you just know

61:34 mountains are mole mole hills are mountains and fleas become b29s you just dare not you learn other women their cycle is different in terms of their emotional tensions and the rest and just learn you ain't going to change that and I believe Peter had this in mind among other things when he said ye husbands dwell with your wives according to knowledge he had a wife he knew what it was to dwell with a wife according to knowledge you women you'll learn if you've got problems you don't the poor husband he's been out in that work of day world and he's been with ungodly people if the minute he comes through that front door you say oh hello Henrik I gotta tell you

62:19 what the kids did today I mean is it no wonder that the guy starts thinking it's better to stop off the barnies and get a few beers before I go home why go home and face that at least without getting my joints loosened up with a few beers of course Christians don't do that but I'm talking about the mentality you see so you have to learn you've been living with that problem all day long as a wife but you've got to learn you don't dump that in your husband he wants his home to be the haven of release from the world of problems right so at least give him 35 37 seconds you know before he dump all of this on you gotta learn this but this will be learned now you're not gonna just know all of this at once these are things that are

63:04 learned and so I exhort you learn the best times to communicate specific areas of concern I suppose you're conscious of certain monetary needs well you don't tell your husband about that when he's just made out the monthly bills and you've heard him say we made it by about a dollar 37 if I calculated right you know well you don't turn around and say oh but dear did you know that you discourage the man I mean you know again just let maybe 39 seconds go this time before you learn those things love then is sensitive you see how many of these things are tied together and if there's that desire to be sensitive then you'll have a built in monitor that will say not now later okay

Self-Analysis and Concluding Prayer

63:48 so much for communication I close now with asking you to do a little self analysis alright picture a ruler laid on its edge numbered from 1 to 12 okay that ruler represents your present level of ability to communicate openly realistically with maturity understanding one another enjoy sharing together you can talk about the deepest concerns of your soul you can talk about the most mundane things of life now if this end of the ruler number one represents poor communication

64:32 number 12 that's that's the best all right I'm not gonna ask you to speak out loud I want you to do a little homework with each other at what mark 1 to 12 would you put your presence communicating ability and to say we can just about share everything boy no I'm really afraid to share things with him I put up that hit the nail on the head about this blowing the stack business and feeling hurt and where would you put it down here 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10 now that's a homework you do it I'm not asking to tell me but this is a very vital issue now second question I want to ask

65:16 is this viewing your courtship over the past three months would you say that your ability to communicate has gone back is static or is improving so you not only put a mark on the ruler you put an arrow that either goes left, right or stays dead center now may I suggest that the most important thing is not so much where you put your mark I mean if it's down at one or two then I'd say you're talking about marriage too soon it ought at least be up in the center of the register before you're talking about marriage you know a lifetime is a long time and if you can't communicate that's an awful long time for a non-communicative relationship

66:01 but if it's somewhere in the middle here or further here the vital thing is the arrow pointing in this direction towards the twelve that's the vital is it improving are you learning how to create more and more a good climate of communication are you learning more and more the proper times to communicate certain things are you learning more and more what it is to deal with the attitudes that cripple communication well I think that's all we need to say my hour is up and I promise to try to stay within the hour so let's close now and commit these thoughts to the Lord in prayer and then we'll open it up for any questions and then we'll try to quit right at nine o'clock

66:46 alright our Father we are conscious that there is no relationship of life which we face but what we're reminded that we are sinners and even though we are sinners saved by grace we are sinners yet and how we pray that the Holy Spirit will help us as we think of the awesome responsibility as well as the glorious privilege of fusing two lives together oh Lord give each of these couples a realistic view of what this means and give them the power of the Spirit so that their lives together may be a monument of the power of the grace of God

67:31 in a world of turmoil and tension and split homes and unhappy homes Lord may each of these seated in this place tonight have relationships that will shine as light in the midst of darkness hear us Lord for Jesus sake Amen