Children and Intimacy

The point: Ask God to flush out of your minds the garbage picked up from this generation's woolly thinking concerning children.

Describes the 'mod couple' as an example of worldly, anti-child thinking, contrasting it with biblical values.

brainwashed into feeling that bearing children is almost a crime against society. And the mod couple is the couple dressed in unisex clothing who have a dog and a cat and who read the New Yorker magazine and drink wine with every supper and don't bother the ecological problem with more kids. Well, you see, that's as far removed from the concept of the Word of God as night and day. And so we need to come to this whole subject, asking God to flush out of our minds, the garbage that we may have picked up by our association in this generation that has such woolly thinking concerning the whole matt...

1:54 - 2:35 Read in full sermon

The point: Approach the whole subject of bearing and rearing children in a redemptive perspective, recognizing procreative capacity as a stewardship from God.

Compares Christ's death purchasing our procreative ability to purchasing any other part of our being, emphasizing it as God's property.

Therefore, I am not free to do what I please with this capacity to reproduce. This procreative capacity is something that belongs to God by right of creation and it belongs to God by right of redemption. And to say, as stated as strikingly as I know how, when Jesus Christ died on the cross, He died to purchase your ability to produce children. Ye have been bought with a price and everything that makes you you has been purchased with the blood of Jesus Christ and is His property.

3:38 - 4:14 Read in full sermon

The point: Discharge the stewardship of procreative faculty along with other stewardships, ensuring one is not at the expense of another (e.g., wife's health).

Illustrates the societal pressure against having children by describing a mentality where having more than two children is seen as subversive.

And he does an excellent job, I think, of blasting this idea that if you're a loyal American citizen, you won't have any children. If you're a little bit less than that, you may have one. If you're bordering on subversive, you might have two. And if you have three, they ought to deport you or sterilize you or something else.

6:28 - 6:45 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Children are to be regarded as a blessing, not a burden or accident, serving as a tangible witness of oneness, an occasion for growth in grace, a source of delight, and the hope…

Martin recounts looking at his infant children, seeing reflections of himself and his wife, and realizing they were a living, irreversible monument of their oneness, even if divorce occurred.

I can remember so many times, especially when my children were infants, lying in the crib at night asleep. I'd go in and I'd look at them. And I would see characteristics that reflect me and some that reflect my wife. And there was a living, tangible, irreversible monument that the two of us had become one.

10:04 - 10:27 Read in full sermon

Driving home: When I see a couple, and I've known some like this, who deliberately did not have children because it would disrupt their lifestyle, I tell you, it's the most sickening thing in the world. The self-centeredness oozes out…

Illustrates how children teach self-sacrificial love, starting with a husband learning to find joy in his pregnant wife's changing figure.

And it begins even before the baby's born. You see? The young bride's got a baby. She's willing to give up her hourglass figure and look more like an inverted pair.

11:27 - 11:37 Read in full sermon

Driving home: When I see a couple, and I've known some like this, who deliberately did not have children because it would disrupt their lifestyle, I tell you, it's the most sickening thing in the world. The self-centeredness oozes out…

Describes a husband learning to cope with his wife's attention being diverted from him to their infant, exposing his self-centeredness and fostering growth in grace.

Then, where he's been the prince charming, and she's had all her energies and the rest to pour out at his feet when he comes through the door, at night, while she's been chasing a kid around all day, and washing diapers, and nursing the child, and feeding the child, and he comes through the door now, and all she's got left is a little bit of a, Hi, honey, how you doing? And his nose can be bent, and he learns what it is to find joy in self-sacrifice. Attention that was all poured out upon him is now diverted in great measure to that child, especially during the time of its infancy. And I've se...

11:56 - 12:32 Read in full sermon

Driving home: When I see a couple, and I've known some like this, who deliberately did not have children because it would disrupt their lifestyle, I tell you, it's the most sickening thing in the world. The self-centeredness oozes out…

Condemns couples who deliberately avoid children to preserve their lifestyle, calling it 'the most sickening thing in the world' due to oozing self-centeredness.

And you see, that's the curse of the present idea of the chick couple. You see, with no kids and just a dog and a cat, there's nothing more cursed under heaven. When I see a couple, and I've known some like this, who deliberately did not have children because it would disrupt their lifestyle, I tell you, it's the most sickening thing in the world. The self-centeredness oozes out of every single core of such people.

12:47 - 13:09 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Children are to be regarded as a blessing, not a burden or accident, serving as a tangible witness of oneness, an occasion for growth in grace, a source of delight, and the hope…

Martin notes that some in the audience are monuments of God calling His elect in family lines, tracing Christian heritage back generations, illustrating children as the hope of the succeeding generation.

Now, thank God, some of you sitting here are monuments of the fact that God reaches into a totally pagan situation and saves people. But there are others of us who are monuments of the fact that God calls His elect in family lines. And some of us can trace our Christian bloodlines back several generations. And we see that one generation shall speak of the mighty works of God to another.

15:16 - 15:39 Read in full sermon

The point: Discuss openly what your perspectives are on the rearing of children before they come, to hammer out basic principles.

Recalls Dr. Spock admitting he was 'all wet' on permissiveness, contrasting his error with the eternal truth of God's Word in Proverbs regarding child-rearing.

And if we had had a generation reared on the principles of the book of Proverbs instead of on poor Dr. Spock, who has said, as many of you saw in an article in Red Book just about a year ago, he realizes now he was all wet on much of what he said about permissiveness. Imagine coming to the end of your days and having a whole generation that is called the Spock generation, and having to admit, I was wrong. I was wrong!

17:37 - 18:04 Read in full sermon

Driving home: If we approach the subject scripturally, as I shall attempt to do with you, we'll see that you cannot divorce the climate of your bedroom from the total climate of your marriage. And if you do, you've turned your bedroom…

Compares divorcing bedroom intimacy from the total marriage climate to prostitution, where sexual performance is separated from the person and relationship.

We've spent three Friday evenings, well over an hour each of those Friday evenings, in six other dimensions of marriage, all of which are tremendously vital in the marriage experience. And in a very real sense, the degree of your success in these other areas of married life will greatly determine the satisfaction you find in your sexual relationship. If we approach the subject scripturally, as I shall attempt to do with you, we'll see that you cannot divorce the climate of your bedroom from the total climate of your marriage. And if you do, you've turned your bedroom into a house of prostituti...

21:27 - 22:27 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: Believers must be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union, evidenced by creation (God made it 'very good'), redemption (it mirrors Christ and the Church), and explicit…

Recounts a Christian man bragging about abstaining from sex with his wife for weeks, illustrating the trap of asceticism and blatant disobedience to God's Word.

Now, you see where that leads? That leads to the idea that you're more holy if you're a single monk or nun. You see? Or as one man, and he was dead serious, a Christian man who had fallen into the trap of asceticism, came to me one time years ago and bragged to me that it had been, I forgot how many weeks, since he had had sexual relationships with his wife.

23:46 - 24:08 Read in full sermon

The point: Be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union of a husband and wife, understanding it as holy, pure, and honorable.

Lists popular magazines (Playboy, Penthouse, etc.) as examples of 'pop hedonism' that glut the market, promoting self-indulgent pleasure.

And this is the view that the highest good is the path of self-indulgent pleasure. And our generation is literally glutted with the glossy magazines that are nothing but a projection of what is called pop hedonism. It is hedonistic philosophies screaming at us from every newsstand. It's the philosophy that lies behind the playboy, penthouse, playgirl, viva, and the whole business.

24:39 - 25:07 Read in full sermon

The point: Be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union of a husband and wife, understanding it as holy, pure, and honorable.

Cites Maribel Morgan's 'The Total Woman' as a bestseller in the Church, yet 'shot through with hedonism,' illustrating how worldly philosophies affect Christian thought.

I was reading an article the other day. It's even been commented on in secular magazines. They can't keep them on the Christian bookshelves by Maribel Morgan called The Total Woman. And this ostensibly is written from a Christian perspective, but it's shot through with hedonism.

25:36 - 25:52 Read in full sermon

Driving home: God is saying to us whatever sin has done to the sanctity to the purity of this relationship sin has done it it was never done whatever my intention in creation. When I was done creating man and woman I left them in tota…

Uses anthropomorphism to describe God 'smiling' and 'twinkling' as He looked upon Adam and Eve in their sexual embrace, declaring it 'good,' to emphasize the sanctity of the sexual union.

And God himself commanded them to engage in the full exercise of their sexuality. And then furthermore the scripture says God saw what he had made and it was very good. So that if I am thinking biblically I can conceive of God not only looking now we are using what is called anthropomorphism. God has no face, he has no mouth with which to smile, no eyes with which to twinkle, but the Bible uses this language.

28:38 - 29:08 Read in full sermon

Driving home: God is saying to us whatever sin has done to the sanctity to the purity of this relationship sin has done it it was never done whatever my intention in creation. When I was done creating man and woman I left them in tota…

Explains Proverbs 5:15-17's analogy of drinking from one's own cistern to illustrate the importance of finding sexual satisfaction exclusively with one's spouse.

No, it is in itself a holy and sanctified relationship. Proverbs 5 verses 18 to 21 Solomon's been warning his son about immorality giving him a lesson on the wiles of wicked women with smooth lips who would seduce him. And then he gives him the best preventive against the evil woman. He says in Proverbs 5 verse 15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern and running waters out of thine own well.

34:13 - 34:46 Read in full sermon

The point: Be aware of the varied purposes and functions of the sexual union, recognizing its complexity beyond just procreation.

Illustrates the problem of a singular view of sex (procreation only) by describing Roman Catholics torn between church teaching and the desire for planned parenthood, hindering joy in intimacy.

Its function is not one but many. And unless you're aware of that you're going to have problems. You see you take the poor Roman Catholic who's been told that the one and primary function of the sexual union is to bear children make little Catholics. Well you see the person who takes that seriously then has problems.

39:29 - 39:51 Read in full sermon

The point: Be sensitive to your spouse's psychological and emotional needs in the sexual relationship, finding delight in fulfilling them even when personal passion isn't overwhelming.

Quotes Dwight Small on how sexual relation in marriage reveals the 'inner secret of their bodily being,' leading to mutual self-discovery and a sense of belonging.

Each discovers the harmony of his being in the oneness of the marriage relation especially and uniquely as it is sealed in the expression one flesh through sexual union. Thus in a singular way sex in marriage reveals something of the depth of meaning of another person of oneself and of the possible relationship between two persons. The proper use of sex establishes a sense of belonging through knowing and sharing that is deep and is profound. This is why the Bible says and Adam knew Eve and you see that's just not a polite way of saying he had sexual intercourse.

44:04 - 44:46 Read in full sermon

The point: Have a basic understanding of the physiology of the sexual union, both male and female, recognizing individual differences.

Recalls a time when mothers provided premarital counseling to daughters about male sexuality, highlighting a lost tradition of practical wisdom.

who has distinctive sexual personality and you girls are married to a distinct and specific man who has distinct and specific sexuality so all this generalization I abominate it I just climb the walls even when I am reading stuff sometimes by Christian authors and I just talk back to them in the margin and tell them off good and proper but in spite of that fact generally speaking there are certain areas of the body that are called the erogenous zones in a woman in a man and God has made us that way we go back to Proverbs God says to the young husband let her breasts satisfy thee at all times n...

50:02 - 51:31 Read in full sermon

The point: Beware of books that put too much emphasis on sex technique, as much of it is unnecessary and an offense to human dignity; discover lovemaking through your own experience.

Quotes a professional counselor who believes much literature on sex technique is 'totally unnecessary and an offense to human dignity,' advocating for couples to discover lovemaking for themselves.

you are in a good wholesome Christian home you will have no problem all things being equal making a good adjustment some of you haven't had that benefit but it was mothers who would teach daughters the things they needed to know about what made men tick and it was godly fathers who would teach their sons well many of us haven't had that so for it is for this very reason that the church purchases for me to give to you a book that I give to all the couples who are going to be married a week or two before you are married that is enough you don't need to know anything more than what you know now u...

51:31 - 53:01 Read in full sermon

Driving home: When the man can look the woman who is his wife in the eye and say, dear. Do I meet your needs? Do I make you feel like a whole, a complete, a fulfilled woman? If she says yes, then he's all the lover God ever intended h…

Illustrates how reading books with unrealistic descriptions of sexual ecstasy can disrupt a happy marriage by creating discontent and making partners feel inadequate.

And you know, many a satisfactory sexual relationship has been disrupted and destroyed because somebody went to a bookstore and read a book that says a woman should have this and went on to describe in clinical detail and in romantic and unrealistic language all the flights of ecstasy that a woman ought to have. The woman became discontent. The husband then became discontent because he couldn't fulfill her that way. And you know what happened?

58:39 - 59:05 Read in full sermon

The point: Be convinced of the sensitive relationship between your sexual union and the general condition of your marriage; problems outside the bedroom affect intimacy within it.

Describes a husband complaining his wife is 'cold,' but the real problem is his self-centered, insensitive behavior in other areas of their marriage, preventing her from being 'turned on.'

What about the young man that says, well, my wife is cold. She's not responsive. Well, you see what the problem is? He's been self-centered in the living room.

62:07 - 62:16 Read in full sermon

Driving home: your experience in the bedroom is an index of just where your marriage is.

Compares a Christian wife to a prostitute, arguing that a wife cannot divorce her sexual performance from the husband's character and the overall relationship, unlike a prostitute.

And don't expect her to be turned into a prostitute. The minute she sees her John come through the door who's paid his 25 bucks, she can turn herself on because that's her business. But a Christian wife isn't a prostitute.

62:42 - 62:55 Read in full sermon

Driving home: your experience in the bedroom is an index of just where your marriage is.

Uses the example of a husband with a 'Greek god' physique to emphasize that physical attractiveness alone won't 'turn on' a wife if he is selfish and insensitive in the marriage.

And if you're selfish and self-centered and quick and churlish and insensitive in the totality of your relationship, don't you expect your wife to be turned on when you come through the bedroom door? I don't care if you're built like Apollos. Not like Apollos. Yeah, yeah.

62:58 - 63:13 Read in full sermon

Driving home: your experience in the bedroom is an index of just where your marriage is.

Uses the metaphor of two pyramids (one before marriage, one after) to illustrate how the sexual union is the 'top stone' of courtship, and its richness in marriage grows in direct proportion to the growth in other areas of marital oneness.

That's why you see and I draw these on the board and say, what in the world are those there for? Well, there's two pyramids. This is small, and you'll notice here the top stone is not on the pyramid. And these blocks that make up the pyramid are what I would call the areas of mutual oneness discovered in courtship.

64:15 - 64:32 Read in full sermon

In this part of the sermon: The sexual union is sensitively related to the overall condition of the marriage; problems in the living room and kitchen will inevitably affect intimacy in the bedroom, and a…

Recalls a courtship scenario where a man sensed his girlfriend was like 'half an iceberg' due to a hurt caused by his insensitivity, illustrating how emotional issues affect physical intimacy.

That's where the problem is. And you've found it even in your courtship, haven't you? There's some nights you guys have tried to snuggle up and you've sensed, you know, you had half an iceberg next to you. And you say, well, what's the matter?

66:38 - 66:49 Read in full sermon

The point: Maintain absolute privacy and secrecy about your sexual experience; never disclose concerns or problems to anyone unless by mutual consent.

Compares the sexual relationship to a 'walled garden' into which only the couple and God enter, emphasizing the need for absolute privacy and secrecy.

Look upon your sexual relationship as a walled garden into which you and your mate and God alone enter. It's not that you're prudish. It's not that you're puritanical. It's just that it's such an intimate, personal dimension that it's spoiled by anybody looking over the wall.

67:37 - 67:55 Read in full sermon

The point: Maintain flexibility in your sexual relationship regarding length, preparation, and foreplay, adapting to each other's needs and energy levels.

Compares different levels of sexual intimacy to a 'snack, a normal meal, and then a special anniversary dinner,' illustrating the need for flexibility in length and intensity.

I like to think of it in terms of a snack, a normal meal, and then a special anniversary dinner. Now, all of them provide food for sustenance. But you see, there are different levels of culinary delight. Well, the same way in your sexual relationship.

69:43 - 70:00 Read in full sermon

The point: Maintain flexibility in your sexual relationship regarding length, preparation, and foreplay, adapting to each other's needs and energy levels.

Illustrates flexibility by describing a tired wife who offers herself out of love, and the husband's need to accept that offering without wounded pride, even if it's not a 'gourmet meal.'

And you guys have got to learn this. There are times when your wife will be just so tired and she'll be glad to have you and she'll have the attitude, if you want me, Buster, you can have me, but don't expect too much from me. Well, if that's the way she shows her love, you've got to accept the offering she gives you. And not have your nose bent that you're not, you know, chief lover number one.

70:01 - 70:21 Read in full sermon

The point: Maintain your desirability by not letting yourself go physically; exercise discipline to remain attractive to your spouse.

Illustrates the importance of maintaining desirability by describing a wife who lets herself go physically, becoming '50 pounds of blubber,' and the dishonesty of a husband who took her as she was but now has 'no longer that.'

That's what I'm talking about. You've seen some wives kept themselves so trim. And it's really dishonest when the man said I take thee what he took is now longer no longer that. It's something plus 50 pounds of blubber.

72:37 - 72:50 Read in full sermon

The point: Maintain a realistic experience of expectancy from your sexual relationships, understanding that marriage is not just sex and there will be 'kinks' due to sin.

Uses a rhetorical question, 'What woman can be expected to go into raptures about sleeping with an overblown porpoise?' to challenge men to maintain physical desirability.

What woman can be expected to go into raptures about sleeping with an overblown porpoise?

73:29 - 73:33 Read in full sermon

The point: Expect your wedding night to be a 'fiasco' and learn to laugh at it, rather than crying about it.

Advises couples to expect their wedding night to be a 'fiasco' and to laugh about it, promoting realistic expectations for initial sexual experiences.

So have realistic experience and expectancies. For most of you your wedding night will be a fiasco. Expect it. Learn to laugh at it.

74:15 - 74:23 Read in full sermon

The point: Learn self-control in your sexual desires, especially during periods of abstinence (e.g., wife's menstrual cycle, pregnancy, postpartum, separation due to work).

Illustrates the need for self-control by describing how a woman's sexual desire can change dramatically during pregnancy, requiring a husband's understanding and adjustment.

There's going to be a few days every month when you've got to mind your business your thoughts. And when your wife gets pregnant sometimes a woman's desire increases. Sometimes it goes dead. I know one woman the day after she's pregnant it seems like everything that makes her husband desirable to her long before she's got a big tummy and the rest she just doesn't have an ounce of sexual desire.

75:24 - 75:46 Read in full sermon

The point: Steer clear of petting and kissing that is legitimate foreplay for intercourse before marriage, to avoid unnecessary temptation and regret.

Recounts a man who sought counseling because he couldn't stand to kiss his wife on the lips, illustrating an extreme example of distaste within marriage that requires adjustment.

On the other hand, the other person may find certain aspects of their relationship that aren't particularly attractive to them, but they will cultivate a tolerable degree of appreciation because they know that pleases the partner. Now, I don't know what you'd do if you had the problem one man did that came to seek a kiss from his wife in Wisconsin. He could not stand to kiss his wife on the lips. Now, I don't know what in the world I'd tell a guy like that.

78:35 - 79:00 Read in full sermon

The point: Don't play with your passions before marriage; they are powerful and can lead to regret.

Warns against playing with passions before marriage, using the metaphor of a tiger getting 'one foot out of the cage' and being unable to push it back in, leading to regret.

They're powerful things and you don't know how powerful they are if God has kept you and you enter marriage a virgin as a man or a woman, you don't know the measure of your sexual appetite. Don't, don't force yourself into that awkward position of letting the tiger get one foot out of the cage and then trying to push him back in. He may claw you to death. Alright?

80:55 - 81:17 Read in full sermon