Children and Intimacy

Introduction to the Final Session: Children and Intimacy

0:00 As each of you is aware, I'm sure, we come tonight to the fourth and final session in this all-too-brief series of lectures relative to the biblical and practical perspectives pertaining to marriage. And we've tried to approach every dimension of marriage in the light of the Scripture. Thus far, we've covered five areas. First, we've covered role concepts, adjustment in marriage, communication in marriage, the place of our in-laws, how to leave them and still honor them, and then the thorny matter of finances.

0:37 And I would mention for any of you who have not obtained a copy of the little sample budget, this will teach you the economic facts of life. Any of you listening to the tape and ordering the tapes of these series, this is why these mimeograph budgets will be made available to you when the set of tapes...

0:54 is sent to you. And if you don't receive such a mimeographed sample budget, why, you write to the Trinity Pope requesting one, and they'll be glad to send one to you. Now, we come tonight to a brief consideration of the place of children in marriage and then a little more extensive treatment of the sexual responsibilities and privileges in marriage. First of all, then, this whole matter of children and their place, in the marriage relationship.

Principle 1: Procreative Capacities as a Stewardship from God

1:27 Now, there are few areas in which man's rebellion against God is more evident in our day than in this area of the place of children in a marriage and, secondly, how children are to be reared. And if ever we needed the guidelines of Romans 12.2, we need it here. Romans 12.2 says, Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. And we live in a day in which we're being subtly brought...

1:54 brainwashed into feeling that bearing children is almost a crime against society. And the mod couple is the couple dressed in unisex clothing who have a dog and a cat and who read the New Yorker magazine and drink wine with every supper and don't bother the ecological problem with more kids. Well, you see, that's as far removed from the concept of the Word of God as night and day. And so we need to come to this whole subject, asking God to flush out of our minds, the garbage that we may have picked up by our association in this generation that has such woolly thinking concerning the whole matter of children.

2:35 And so what I would like to do concerning the matter of children is simply to share three fundamental biblical principles. And if we get these principles clearly in our minds and prayerfully weigh them, I believe we'll at least begin to be prepared to face the whole subject of children and their relationship to the home and marriage, as we ought to face them. Principle number one is this. As Christians, our procreative capacities are a stewardship from God.

3:05 As Christians, our procreative faculties or capacities are a stewardship from God. In 1 Corinthians 6 we read that ye have been bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body which is His. This is the principle. This tells us that the ability in a man to produce sperm and the ability in a woman to produce ovum is not something that simply happened in the evolutionary process.

3:38 Therefore, I am not free to do what I please with this capacity to reproduce. This procreative capacity is something that belongs to God by right of creation and it belongs to God by right of redemption. And to say, as stated as strikingly as I know how, when Jesus Christ died on the cross, He died to purchase your ability to produce children. Ye have been bought with a price and everything that makes you you has been purchased with the blood of Jesus Christ and is His property.

4:14 And therefore it must be regarded as a stewardship to be exercised in the light of His possession of what we are and what we have and His right, to demand that His name and His glory be secured in the exercise of that stewardship. So, at the very outset, any consideration of children must not be marked by a humanistic approach, by a selfish or careless approach, but we must approach the whole subject of the bearing and the rearing of children in a redemptive perspective. My ability as a Christian to procreate after my kind, my ability as a Christian to procreate after my kind, my ability as a Christian to procreate after my kind, my ability as a Christian to procreate after my kind, my ability as a Christian to procreate after my kind, is a stewardship from God. And it's at this point that I heartily would recommend a careful reading of Dwight Small's chapter in Design for Christian Marriage called Family Planning, because Mr. Small, I think, has more accurately and comprehensively than anyone else I've read, laid before us some of the principles by which we can discern how we ought to discharge the stewardship of children. Well, first of all, I'd like to say that the stewardship of the ability to produce children because the stewardship of the ability to produce children must be discharged along with other stewardships.

5:36 As her husband, I have the stewardship to love my wife as Christ loved the church, to be concerned about her well-being. Therefore, the stewardship of procreative faculty does not cancel out the stewardship of being concerned with my wife's health. Mental, physical, and mental. So, you see, one stewardship must never be discharged at the expense of another.

6:00 But every facet of Christian stewardship must prayerfully and wisely and in a balanced way be discharged under the Lordship of Christ. I would also recommend two other pieces of literature. There's an excellent book by Joel Niederhoud called The Holy Triangle, published by Baker, and it's a book on marriage. It's really a collection of sermons, and in chapter 7, he has an excellent chapter called In Defense of Motherhood.

6:28 And he does an excellent job, I think, of blasting this idea that if you're a loyal American citizen, you won't have any children. If you're a little bit less than that, you may have one. If you're bordering on subversive, you might have two. And if you have three, they ought to deport you or sterilize you or something else.

6:45 Well, he effectively deals with that mentality that's very much alive in our country right now. And then InterVarsity Press has an excellent book by Walter Trowbysh called The Holy Triangle. And it's an excellent book by Walter Trowbysh called The Holy Triangle, published by Baker, and in a balanced way be discharged under the Lordship of Christ. It's called Please Help Me, Please Love Me, and it's a Christian approach to the whole matter of planned parenthood.

Principle 2: Children as a Blessing from God

7:02 Now, I'll say no more than that at this point. Just that first principle, as Christians, our procreated capacities are a stewardship from God. The second biblical principle is this. As Christians, we are to regard children as a blessing from God upon our marital union.

7:24 We are not to look upon children as the reward of our good planning, or an unwanted biological accident, or an undesirable ecological burden. The scriptures tell us, and I quote now from Psalm 127 in verse 3, Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is the fruit of the womb, and the fruit of the womb is the fruit of the womb. The fruit of the womb is his reward. Now, it does not say the fruit of the womb is the reward of your good planning.

8:01 Now, I'm not ignorant of the laws of reproduction, and I hope you're not. I hope you're aware that the average woman ovulates usually mid-cycle of her monthly cycle, and if a little wiggly-tailed sperm gets close to an egg, there's going to be conception. I'm fully aware of the laws that govern reproduction, but the scripture says children are inherent in the womb. The fruit of the womb is the heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward, telling us that as Christians we must regard children as a blessing from God upon our marital union.

8:39 Further, this Psalm goes on to say, As arrows in the hand of a mighty man so are the children of youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. Now, it doesn't say how big his quiver is and how many it takes to fill them. It simply says happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them.

8:53 The Lord is that, the Lord is the man who hath his quiver full of them. And then in the subsequent psalm, Psalm 128, there's a blessing pronounced upon the God-fearing man. And one of the blessings is this, verse 3, Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine in the innermost parts of thy house, thy children like olive plants about thy table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed that fears the Lord.

9:18 So you see, the perspective of these psalms is that children are a blessing from God. And that's the whole drift of the biblical concept as we read through the scriptures. Children are never looked upon as an unwanted biological accident, as some kind of a disturbing burden to two self-centered people who are only concerned with living for themselves. They're regarded as a gift from God.

9:45 Now in a very special way, they are this for the following four reasons. Number one, our children are the tangible and irreplaceable. They are the irreversible witness that God has made us one. Now that would be one of the most amazing things, if God blesses your union with children.

10:04 I can remember so many times, especially when my children were infants, lying in the crib at night asleep. I'd go in and I'd look at them. And I would see characteristics that reflect me and some that reflect my wife. And there was a living, tangible, irreversible monument that the two of us had become one.

10:27 If, through the perversity of our hearts, we should turn against one another and our marriage should be wrecked and we would be divorced, you can't un-child that child. You see, the child is the irreversible monument of the permanence of marriage. And it's one of the most mysterious and wonderful joys of parenthood, as you hold in your arms that which is the fruit of the two being one. And that's a great blessing from God.

10:54 Secondly, children are the occasion of the birth of God. Children are the occasion of your own growth in grace. Children are the occasion of your own growth in grace. If growth in grace is growth in 1 Corinthians 13 love that seeks not its own, that beareth all things, that believeth all things, that hopeth all things, next to taking upon yourself the responsibility of a wife or a husband, there's nothing like children to teach you how to exercise that kind of love.

11:27 And it begins even before the baby's born. You see? The young bride's got a baby. She's willing to give up her hourglass figure and look more like an inverted pair.

11:37 And then a husband has got to find joy in looking at his pear-shaped bride. You see? And many times the young husband gets his nose pet, you see. He's got to learn that kind of love that can rejoice in the joy that that young bride feels as she thinks of bearing him a child.

11:56 Then, where he's been the prince charming, and she's had all her energies and the rest to pour out at his feet when he comes through the door, at night, while she's been chasing a kid around all day, and washing diapers, and nursing the child, and feeding the child, and he comes through the door now, and all she's got left is a little bit of a, Hi, honey, how you doing? And his nose can be bent, and he learns what it is to find joy in self-sacrifice. Attention that was all poured out upon him is now diverted in great measure to that child, especially during the time of its infancy. And I've seen fellows that just couldn't take this.

12:32 They acted like little children who were no longer the center of all the attention, and they pouted. You say, well, I'd never do that. Don't be so sure. Children are a great means of growth and grace, because they expose your self-centeredness and your selfishness.

12:47 And you see, that's the curse of the present idea of the chick couple. You see, with no kids and just a dog and a cat, there's nothing more cursed under heaven. When I see a couple, and I've known some like this, who deliberately did not have children because it would disrupt their lifestyle, I tell you, it's the most sickening thing in the world. The self-centeredness oozes out of every single core of such people.

13:09 Well, you see, as Christians, we realize the way to find life is to do what? Is to lose life. He that loseth his life for my sake, the same shall save it. So, they're a blessing in that they are the occasion of our own growth in grace.

13:23 And then thirdly, they're a means of much delight. You read in the book of Proverbs about a wise son that makes a glad father. And you read in the scriptures of children who rise up and call their parents blessed. Well, you see, from the time you bear them to the time that they come to maturity, every stage of their development not only has its own peculiar demands and flesh-withering liabilities, but each peculiar stage has its own delights and joys.

13:53 And children then are a blessing from God because of the pure delight they will bring to you in the providence of God. And then fourthly, they are a blessing because they are the hope of the succeeding generation. In the scriptures and in church history, it is a fact that God calls most of His elect in family lines. Now, we do not hold with some of our dear brethren who take a different view of the covenant of grace and of baptism that we have a right to presume that our children are elect simply because we are believers.

14:28 No, no. God made it very plain. When He articulated the covenant to Abraham, and then when He articulated it to Abraham's son, Isaac, that within that covenant line there was an election of pure grace. Jacob have I loved, Esau have I hated.

14:45 Abraham says, oh, that Ishmael might live before them. God says, no, in Isaac shall thy seed be called. So in no way presuming that children are elect simply because they are the children of believers, it is still a fact that God generally calls His elect in family lines. And therefore, if believers do not bear children in order to rear them after the pattern of the word of God and preserve the truth of God for another generation, we are not going to expect that unbelievers are going to do it.

15:16 Now, thank God, some of you sitting here are monuments of the fact that God reaches into a totally pagan situation and saves people. But there are others of us who are monuments of the fact that God calls His elect in family lines. And some of us can trace our Christian bloodlines back several generations. And we see that one generation shall speak of the mighty works of God to another.

15:39 So then children, you see, are indeed a blessing from God, not only because it is stated in these two passages that I have read and in the overall drift of Scripture, but in these four specific ways that I have mentioned. So we have got two principles. Number one, our procreative capacities are a stewardship of God. Secondly, in a Christian marriage, children are to be regarded as the special gift of God.

Principle 3: Responsibility to Rear Children Biblically

16:06 And then thirdly, as Christians, we are solemnly responsible to rear our children after the pattern of the word of God. Ephesians 6, 4, speaking particularly to fathers, Fathers, nurture your children in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. That is the summary statement. Fathers.

16:29 Fathers, of course, who are one. One with their wives, and therefore there is the delightful and willing cooperation of the wife. You are to nurture your children. The whole child.

16:41 Mental, spiritual, physical, psychological, emotional development. Fathers, mothers, Christian parents. It is your task to nurture the whole child. It is not the task of the state.

16:55 It is not the task of the church. It is the task of God-fearing parents to nurture their children. And then he tells us how we are to do it. We are to do it by means of chastening.

17:06 That is corporal punishment. A system of rewards and punishments to enforce lessons of character development. And we are to do it by admonition. That is by verbal instruction.

17:17 And all of it is to be done in the Lord. That is within the perspective of the Lordship of Christ. In His strength, according to His word, and in the power of His Holy Spirit. Now, of course, the book of Proverbs is the most wonderful section in all of Scripture to tell us how to do this.

17:37 And if we had had a generation reared on the principles of the book of Proverbs instead of on poor Dr. Spock, who has said, as many of you saw in an article in Red Book just about a year ago, he realizes now he was all wet on much of what he said about permissiveness. Imagine coming to the end of your days and having a whole generation that is called the Spock generation, and having to admit, I was wrong. I was wrong!

18:04 When forever, O Lord, thy word is settled in the heavens. And the book of Proverbs is the book that ought continually to be open before you when God gives you the privilege of parenthood. Here we have the picture of a man instructing his own son. Here we have instruction concerning the rearing of our children.

18:23 Now, since children won't be in the picture for a little bit, for most of you, I want to say, I won't go into any greater detail now, but let me recommend a couple of our own tapes here, not because I think they're so profound, but simply because I don't know of anything else that approaches it from the same biblical standpoint, in the series on God's directives for family living, T.E.L. 2 through 6.

18:49 I've tried to deal with this matter of the training and education of our children, and then T.E. 5 on Christian education. And if you're listening to the tape, you can obtain that from the Trinity Pulpit, Box 277, Essex Spells, New Jersey 07021.

19:06 Then Pastor Walter Chantry, the Grace Baptist Church in Carlisle, has an excellent tape on the discipline of children. But the thing that's most important for you at this time, while you're looking forward to the bearing of children, is to discuss openly what your perspectives are on the rearing of the children, so that when that time comes, you aren't caught, as it were, unawares, but you've hammered out the basic principles by which you will attempt to rear the children. So I would leave you then with those three basic principles with reference to the matter of children, the ability to produce them under the blessing of God as a stewardship that must be prayerfully discharged. Don't just assume, well, we're just not going to have kids for two years.

19:48 Then we'll have a kid. I've seen a lot of people come at it in that very, very crass materialistic way. And God has withheld children from them. And I believe in some cases, it was God's chastisement because they went about it in too smart-alecky a way.

20:02 Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't plan not to have children. All I'm saying is that the stewardship of your procreative faculties must be discharged prayerfully. The ability to produce children is not yours. It belongs to God.

20:19 And it's a frightening thing to think that in that sense, God's given us a power that He never gave to angels. The highest archangel has no such power. To bring into being immortal, never-dying souls, a great privilege of solemn responsibility. And then with that principle before us, if and when God is pleased to grant us children, let's regard them as gifts from God, blessings upon our marital union.

Introduction to Sexual Responsibilities and Privileges in Marriage

20:47 And then thirdly, solemnly, seriously seek to rear them after the pattern of the Word of God. And now we come to the seventh and final area of our sharing of the Word of God. We're sharing together, and I'm entitling it, The Sexual Responsibilities and Privileges in Marriage. Now, I've left the treatment of this aspect of marriage until last, not because of an embarrassment or because of an unwillingness to treat it, but because I trust you've seen something, that there's a lot more to marriage than bedding down together.

21:27 We've spent three Friday evenings, well over an hour each of those Friday evenings, in six other dimensions of marriage, all of which are tremendously vital in the marriage experience. And in a very real sense, the degree of your success in these other areas of married life will greatly determine the satisfaction you find in your sexual relationship. If we approach the subject scripturally, as I shall attempt to do with you, we'll see that you cannot divorce the climate of your bedroom from the total climate of your marriage. And if you do, you've turned your bedroom into a house of prostitution. For you see, it's a prostitute who can completely separate her sexual performance from the character or the conduct of the person with whom she's performing. Right? It's only the prostitute who can do that.

22:27 But a Christian man and a Christian woman in the sexual act is relating to a whole person, in the light of a whole relationship. And if there is the absence of biblical norms and biblical love in the other areas of the relationship, we turn the sexual relationship into a lie and into mockery or into mutual exploitation. And sad to say, many a bedroom of a legitimately married couple, even Christian, is simply a situation of mutual exploitation. Now, as we approach this delicate subject, we must do so seeking to avoid two extremes that have constantly plagued both the world and, sad to say, at times, plagued the Church. On the one hand is the extreme of asceticism. Now, asceticism is the view, rooted in pagan heathen philosophy, that all the physical appetites in general and the sexual appetite in particular are intrinsically base and opposed to the highest interest of the soul. And the view of asceticism is that if you would rise in the development of your soul, you do so in direct proportion to the denial of your physical appetites.

Principle 1: The Sanctity of the Sexual Union

23:46 Now, you see where that leads? That leads to the idea that you're more holy if you're a single monk or nun. You see? Or as one man, and he was dead serious, a Christian man who had fallen into the trap of asceticism, came to me one time years ago and bragged to me that it had been, I forgot how many weeks, since he had had sexual relationships with his wife.

24:08 He was bragging to me. Now, if he weren't so much older than I, at the time, I would have told him he was living in blatant disobedience to the Word of God and would have turned him to several key passages and showed him. But you see, he had fallen into the trap of asceticism. Now, that's pagan.

24:24 It has its roots in the idea that matter is intrinsically evil. Well, we do not, we do not have any sympathy for asceticism, and we'll see why. But on the other hand is hedonism. H-E-D-O-N-I-S-M.

24:39 And this is the view that the highest good is the path of self-indulgent pleasure. And our generation is literally glutted with the glossy magazines that are nothing but a projection of what is called pop hedonism. It is hedonistic philosophies screaming at us from every newsstand. It's the philosophy that lies behind the playboy, penthouse, playgirl, viva, and the whole business.

25:07 It's what lies behind the sensuous female, the sensuous male, the joy of sex, more joy, things that have sold by the millions and things that continue to sell by the millions. And the whole philosophy is that the highest good is the path of self-indulgent pleasure, as though life were nothing more or less than the titillation of sexual nerve endings. Now, sad to say, some of this has entered the Church. There's a book right now that's a bestseller.

25:36 I was reading an article the other day. It's even been commented on in secular magazines. They can't keep them on the Christian bookshelves by Maribel Morgan called The Total Woman. And this ostensibly is written from a Christian perspective, but it's shot through with hedonism.

25:52 And so the Church is being affected by this hedonism. Well, as we come to the Scriptures, asking the question, what should our perspectives and attitudes and actions be in the dimension of sexual privilege and responsibility, I believe we can collate the biblical materials and gather them up and then stretch them out and divide them into five distinct exhortations or admonitions or principles. And that's what I'm going to attempt to do with you in the time that remains. The first one is this.

26:25 If you're to know anything of true sexual fulfillment that is pleasing to God, you must be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union of a husband and wife. That's principle number one. You must be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union of a husband and a wife. Now, when I say sanctity, I'm speaking, of course, of something that is holy, something that is pure, something that is honorable.

26:57 We're using it in the terms that we speak of sanctified, set apart, to God. And if you have any reservations at all about the sanctity of the sexual union, you're going to have problems at the outset in finding true fulfillment. Now, how do we know that the sexual union is a sanctified and a holy thing? Well, let me give you three lines of biblical evidence.

27:21 First of all, from creation. We read in Genesis chapter 1 the account of creation, and these are the words that confront us concerning the sixth day of creation, verse 26 of Genesis 1. And God said, Let us make man in our image after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. And God created man in his own image.

27:52 In the image of God created he him. Male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, Let them be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion. And then God gives them further directions.

28:07 And now verse 31. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. So here at the very outset we are told that God himself in making mankind in his image made man male and female. And he obviously made them sexual beings with all of the capacity for the sexual union and all that surrounds it in terms of personal delight and fulfillment.

28:38 And God himself commanded them to engage in the full exercise of their sexuality. And then furthermore the scripture says God saw what he had made and it was very good. So that if I am thinking biblically I can conceive of God not only looking now we are using what is called anthropomorphism. God has no face, he has no mouth with which to smile, no eyes with which to twinkle, but the Bible uses this language.

29:08 Just as much as God looked down and saw the porpoises jumping in the water and it pleased him, saw the monkeys swinging from the trees and he smiled. When he saw Adam and Eve in the totality and intimacy of their sexual embrace he looked and says that's good. Now if we have any reservation about thinking of God looking upon the first couple in that way we have a sub-biblical conception of the sanctity of the sexual union. It is God who made them male and female.

29:41 God who said be fruitful and multiply and God knew what had to happen before they could be fruitful and multiply. He made them that way. And God looked upon them and said it is good. Furthermore in chapter 2 you have an expansion of the creation of woman for man and you remember the record there was not found in hell answering to Adam's needs so what did God do?

30:04 Verse 22 God took the rib from the man and made a woman and brought her unto the man and the man said this is now bone of my bones flesh of my flesh she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man and then God himself says therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh and they were both naked the man and his wife and the woman were not ashamed. It's interesting that the full creation account closes with Adam and Eve standing in total nakedness before one another and in the presence of God and there was not an ounce of shame. Creation closes with that account. The account of creation closes I'm sorry with that emphasis. God is saying to us whatever sin has done to the sanctity to the purity of this relationship sin has done it it was never done whatever my intention in creation. When I was done creating man and woman I left them in total nakedness before each other and before me and I beheld them and said it was good. They beheld each other and said it is good.

31:18 So the sanctity then of the sexual relationship is stamped upon the very account of creation. And God furthermore tells us that the sexual relationship is that which really cements and consummates and really constitutes the marriage. Look at verse 24 A man shall leave his father and mother cleave unto his wife that's a covenant of commitment to a whole person cleave to his wife the whole person and they shall be not one spirit one mind but it says they shall be one flesh. And so that we see in the light of this the centrality of the sexual union in the original creative work of God. Well, we'll be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union I trust not only because of the biblical account of creation but because of the biblical doctrine of redemption. And God does two things in the biblical doctrine of redemption. He tells us that the most intimate relationship of the sinner to the Savior the union of a believer with Christ mirrors or reflects to us that relationship between a husband and a wife Ephesians chapter 5 Paul is talking about husbands and wives husbands do this wives do this

32:46 wives do this husbands do this and then he speaks of the intimacy of that union and he says nevertheless I speak concerning Christ and the church. So you see if there was anything intrinsically evil in the intimacy of the sexual union God would never have dictated or dignified it by saying it's a little shadow of that most blessed of all unions the union of the believing sinner with Jesus Christ the Savior. And God has forever sanctified the sexual union by saying it's a little shadow of a greater reality the intimate union between a believer and the Son of God. And then the second dimension in redemption is the doctrine that in redemption God has claims upon the bottom. In fact that's how Paul dealt with the problem of immorality at Corinth. He says what? Know ye not that your body is a temple of the Holy Ghost which ye have of God?

33:42 Ye were bought with a price therefore glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians chapter 6 So the sexual relationship is a sanctified relationship because not only the doctrine of creation the doctrine of redemption but thirdly the explicit testimony of the scriptures. And I shall give you some of the key passages which speak explicitly of the sanctity of the sexual relationship. Now you notice I didn't say that it's tolerable.

34:13 No, it is in itself a holy and sanctified relationship. Proverbs 5 verses 18 to 21 Solomon's been warning his son about immorality giving him a lesson on the wiles of wicked women with smooth lips who would seduce him. And then he gives him the best preventive against the evil woman. He says in Proverbs 5 verse 15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern and running waters out of thine own well.

34:46 Should thy springs be dispersed abroad and streams of water in the streets let them be for thyself alone and not for strangers with thee. He's using an illustration. He says look don't go on out and disperse your fountains abroad and the rest. No, no, no.

35:02 Go from your own collecting place. If you have a cistern at home let that be the place you drink water from. Now here's the point of his illustration. Let thy fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of thy youth.

35:14 Rejoice in her as a loving hind in a pleasant dole let her breast satisfy thee at all times. Now this is a vivid, vivid word. And be thou ravished. If you have the 1901 edition you'll notice in the margin it says the Hebrew is and go astray.

35:31 Be intoxicated. Be drunk always with her love. For why shouldst thou my son be ravished or go astray with a strange woman and embrace the bosom of a foreigner? And then he gives further reasons as to why he should maintain sexual purity but the point I want you to see in this passage is here's the picture of the young husband who is drunk with the love of his own wife.

35:54 He finds delight in the sensual pleasure he finds with her. And this is in itself a sanctified and a holy relationship. And of course we have the explicit testimony of 1 Thessalonians chapter 4. Paul warns in this letter against fornication, sexual impurity and he says the converse of that is this for this is the will of God 1 Thessalonians 4, 3 even your sanctification that you abstain from fornication that each one of you know how to possess himself of his own vessel that is his own wife in sanctification and honor.

36:36 Isn't that a wonderful way to state it? Possessing your God-given vessel in sanctification and honor and then he contrasts it not in the passion of lust even as the Gentiles who know not God. See there is something more than self-centered lust even within the marriage relationship. Marriage, a marriage license is not a license to unbridled lust.

37:03 He says no. Possess that vessel in sanctification and honor and you have Hebrews 13, 4 marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled. The bed, the marriage bed and what goes on in the marriage bed the scripture says is undefiled. So let me say again if you have any hang-ups at all and some of them may not surface till after you are married you may think right now that you have no hang-ups here but I want to give you a passage or a word of warning.

37:34 You may have hang-ups you are not aware of that may surface after you are married. You want to go to these passages I have read in your hearing tonight. Pray over them together and ask the Holy Spirit to purge away any of the garbage of misconception that has been accrued and that you have accrued to yourself along the way until your mind thinks of the sanctity of the sexual union based on creation, redemption and the explicit testimony of the word of God. Now again let me recommend some literature.

38:06 The finest thing I know again and I don't use this carelessly giving the biblical philosophy of sex is the chapter in Dwight Small's book Sex, Sacrament and Symbol. It is the finest treatment I know and I say that not only as one who is seeking to read discerningly in the light of the word but as one who seeks to read as one who has been married for 20 years and a lot of things that may have sounded good when I was married a year proved they just weren't so. But with the passing of time every time I read what Mr. Small has said and I had my wife read this through again in preparation for this class and she said the same thing.

38:48 She just underlined all the parts I underlined. It's an excellent treatment of the biblical philosophy of sexuality under the lordship of Christ. Well that's principle number one. You must be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union of a husband and wife in marriage.

Principle 2: Varied Purposes and Functions of Sexual Union

39:05 Principle number two. You must be aware of the varied purposes and functions of the sexual union of a husband and wife. You must be aware of the varied purposes and functions of the sexual union of a husband and wife. Both the scriptures and human experience teach us that the function of the sexual union is not simple but it is complex.

39:29 Its function is not one but many. And unless you're aware of that you're going to have problems. You see you take the poor Roman Catholic who's been told that the one and primary function of the sexual union is to bear children make little Catholics. Well you see the person who takes that seriously then has problems.

39:51 Problems with planned parenthood. So what happens with many Catholics on the one hand they want to be submissive to the church but on the other hand they'd know that the wife would be bearing a kid every eleven or twelve months and so what they do is they go ahead and use some form of contraception but while they do their conscience bothers them so it keeps them from feeling the liberty and the joy of true holy abandonment in the sexual relationship. And yet at the same time they can't give themselves over to the teaching of the church and so they're torn. Well you see we must recognize that the functions of the sexual union are not one but many.

40:26 Not simple but complex. And let me suggest just a few of them. And this is what I mean this is only a few. You'll add to this list after you've been married a few years and you can come and increase the list.

40:36 Well number one at the lowest level the function of the sexual union is the fulfillment of physiological desires. The fulfillment of physiological desires. Now 1 Corinthians 7 starts right there. 1 Corinthians 7 tells us to avoid fornication let each man have his own wife let each woman have her own husband.

41:04 And then Paul goes on to say I'm going to develop this theme and says if you're burning with sexual passion there is physiological and psychological fire in the direction of sexual appetite he says it's better to marry than to burn. And marriage is the God ordained outlet for these physiological desires. Well that's one of its functions. And even within marriage.

41:27 Don't forget that. Secondly it has the function of the fulfillment or realization of our own personal desires. Of our own personal identity. The fulfillment or realization of our own personal identity.

41:42 Now let's go back to the garden. How did God make Adam? Is there any indication in the creation account that God gave him primary and secondary sexual organs after he created Eve? No.

41:55 No indication whatsoever. When God made Adam of the dust of the earth and breathed into him the breath of life He made a man who had primary and secondary sexual organs who had at that point normal physiological, psychological desires but there was no help answering to his needs. There was no intellectual companion among all the beasts. There was no aesthetic companion.

42:22 There was no sexual companion. So in a sense Adam didn't know who he was. He was made a sexual being. But until he had an object upon which to lavish his sexuality he really didn't know who he was.

42:38 So God says I will make him help answering to his needs. And when Adam was joined to Eve in the sexual union and saw that he could fulfill and complete her he discovered who he was. And likewise Eve. As she saw herself fulfilling and completing Adam she discovered who she really was for the woman was made for the man in the language of 1 Corinthians.

43:05 Chapter 11. And so in a mysterious and wonderful way you'll just have to take my word for it now and then you can add your amen to it after you're married you'll find out who you are in the sexual relationship. There is the realization of your own personal identity. Small has a beautiful statement on this and I'll just quote from it briefly.

43:29 Through the sexual relation in marriage one discovers something or another of another being and thus something of himself that he had not known before. The unity of the flesh consists in the fact that two persons have mutually revealed to each other the inner secret of their bodily being as one writer terms it and now by means of this knowledge they are inseparably bound in an exclusive relationship. Man as husband thus reveals to a woman the secret of her womanhood. Woman as wife reveals to a man the secret of his manhood.

44:04 Each discovers the harmony of his being in the oneness of the marriage relation especially and uniquely as it is sealed in the expression one flesh through sexual union. Thus in a singular way sex in marriage reveals something of the depth of meaning of another person of oneself and of the possible relationship between two persons. The proper use of sex establishes a sense of belonging through knowing and sharing that is deep and is profound. This is why the Bible says and Adam knew Eve and you see that's just not a polite way of saying he had sexual intercourse.

44:46 The Bible has a word to just describe the physical relationship but the Bible is speaking of this profound truth that we're dealing with here that mutual self-discovery that comes in the sexual union. Well, the third aspect of its purpose and function is the fulfillment of psychological and emotional needs. We go back to Genesis 2. It's not good for the man to be alone and in the union with Eve there was not only the release of physiological desire but the fulfillment of psychological and emotional needs.

45:20 And let me say very lovingly to you young men and women that this is an aspect of your relationship that you want to be very sensitive to. There are times when you as husbands will sense that your wife is just in real need of the reassurance that she's loved for what she is and you may not be climbing the walls with passion but your delight will be to fulfill that emotional need in your wife and vice versa. There are times when you'll find you young women that your husband is in the need of the reassurance that with problems at work and problems at school and other things crowding in upon him that there's one place where he's loved for what he is. He's appreciated for what he is.

46:04 And though you may not at that particular occasion find yourself overwhelmed with passion towards your husband it will be your delight to fulfill that emotional need that you sense in him at that particular time. So there are these psychological and emotional needs that are met in the sexual union the comfort, the consolation sometimes just the sheer delight. Proverbs 5, the Song of Solomon. The Song of Solomon is not primarily intended to be a book an allegory of the relationship of Christ and his church.

46:38 If you follow that through logically you get in some awfully ridiculous interpretations. It is an inspired erotic poem. It's the celebration of the purity of the love between a shepherd and his bride. And God has put in the inspired record this beautiful sanctified erotic poem and because of it we know that one of the functions of the sexual union is the sheer delight.

47:09 Proverbs 5, go astray, be ravished be intoxicated with her love. And this is proper. And then a fourth function and purpose of the sexual union of course is for the fulfillment of the procreative stewardship. And whatever is said in terms of unusual cases where a woman perhaps cannot conceive by normal means of impregnation, etc.

47:34 Is it right that she should have a test tube baby, etc. I wouldn't dare propose to say what's right or wrong but let me say this much. Certainly if we view this thing from a Christian perspective a Christian views the two one flesh relationship as being the ground as it were upon which a couple desires offspring. They long that that most intimate expression of their commitment to each other should issue in the fruit of a son or a daughter.

48:04 And so the function then of the sexual union in the fourth place is that of fulfillment of the procreative stewardship. Now let me say lest some of you come into bondage I am not saying that you must be self-conscious of one or two or all of these functions any and every time you come together as husbands and wives. So that if your husband begins to make overtures to you you get out your notes and say now what is this now? Is this the fulfillment of physiological desire or is this with the intention of the procreative stewardship?

Principle 3: Basic Physiology of Sexual Union

48:35 No, no, no, no I am not saying that at all. But I am saying that you ought to be conscious of the various dimensions of the sexual relationship as far as its purposes and functions are concerned so that there will be a wonderful sense of relaxed freedom developed in this area of your lives. Now thirdly this is the third principle that I trust expresses biblical concepts it is this you ought to be aware now notice I didn't say you must the first two I said you must you must be convinced of the sanctity of the sexual union you must be aware of the varied purposes and functions thirdly you ought to be aware of the basic physiology of the sexual union as a husband and wife and when I say physiology I am talking about what makes you a woman as a woman a physical being what makes you a man as a man and you men ought to have a basic understanding of the physiology of a woman's sexuality and you girls ought to have a basic understanding of male sexuality in most cases and you can only generalize and you are not married to men in general you are married to that man in particular you are not married to women in general and this is why you want to be aware of most of the books that propose to be marriage men because they talk about women like this and men well I am not married to women you are not married to women you are married to a woman

50:02 who has distinctive sexual personality and you girls are married to a distinct and specific man who has distinct and specific sexuality so all this generalization I abominate it I just climb the walls even when I am reading stuff sometimes by Christian authors and I just talk back to them in the margin and tell them off good and proper but in spite of that fact generally speaking there are certain areas of the body that are called the erogenous zones in a woman in a man and God has made us that way we go back to Proverbs God says to the young husband let her breasts satisfy thee at all times now if God wanted us to be hush hush and act as though well it is a terrible thing to ever admit that as a Christian man I find satisfaction in my wife's breasts no no God has said it I mean that is the language of the Bible God didn't put it somewhere you know in a fold over sheet and say you know I am not married to that man in a fold over sheet and say you know that is only to be taken out on special occasions it is right there he said it the song of Solomon marriage is honorable in all in the bed undefiled and so you ought to have some awareness now there was a time when this is what mothers did among other things for their daughters they gave special premarital counseling to their daughters and put their arm around them and took them in the bedroom and talked to them now they picked up attitudes all along so you have been cleaning sex education all along attitudes

51:31 you are in a good wholesome Christian home you will have no problem all things being equal making a good adjustment some of you haven't had that benefit but it was mothers who would teach daughters the things they needed to know about what made men tick and it was godly fathers who would teach their sons well many of us haven't had that so for it is for this very reason that the church purchases for me to give to you a book that I give to all the couples who are going to be married a week or two before you are married that is enough you don't need to know anything more than what you know now until a week or two before you are married because if you are made of good red blood corpuscles through your veins and you really love one another you are having a hard enough time keeping the brakes on yourself as it is without informing yourself about more things than is needful but there is an excellent book and I will just mention it for those who are listening to the tapes called Sex Without Fear written by two doctors they are not Christians it is a medical research press in New York and it can only be obtained by doctors and clergymen it is not something that is on the bookshelves and it is done very very well and gives you a basic acquaintance with the physiology of the sexual union without going into all kinds of details that turn the bedroom into a gymnasium as so many of the things that are glutting the market do in our day and I want to give a word of warning here in all seriousness beware of the books that put too much emphasis on sex technique because it is not something that is lost

53:01 so let's NOT make you have to beware of books that go into all kinds of detail on sexual tendencies or on sexual tendencies and that is not something that you should be talking about technique. In the last generation or so, a great deal has been said and written about the techniques of physical lovemaking, some of which has had a huge sale on the pornographic literature market. And by the way, the stuff that's come out in the past three years, up till the recent Supreme Court decision, would have been sold as pornography. But now we're supposedly so sophisticated that it's on the open market, but it's nothing but pornographic literature. Some marriage counselors and ministers place great importance on this literature. Personally, now this is a key statement, I think much of it is totally unnecessary and an offense to human dignity. I think ministers are degrading their sacred office when they

54:12 involve themselves in this clinical detail. The best way, in my opinion, and this is a professional counselor, is for a young married couple to find out for themselves by their own lovemaking. After all, this has been a successful method for thousands of years. Even uncivilized people seem to find no difficulty. Why should it be such a problem for educated moderns? Much of the thrill in married love is in the experimenting. All sexual intercourse is awkward at first, and no one should be ashamed about that. There are no best, quote, positions and superior techniques anyhow. Every couple is different, and they should evolve their own lovemaking to suit their own needs. And I say amen to that. If you have a basic understanding of the physiology, how a man is made, what generally makes men tick, how a woman is made, the difference, these are some of the things that will result in the awkwardness in the beginning of your relationship. Because men are time different than women are, for the most part. We're generalizing, now there are exceptions, granted. But there

55:18 ought to be this basic awareness of these things, alright? You ought to be aware. Notice I didn't say you must be. Sooner or later you will.

Principle 4: The One Valid Standard for Sexual Union (1 Corinthians 7)

55:26 Fourthly, you must be convinced, now I'm back to my must, not you ought, but you must be convinced of the one valid standard by which to evaluate your sexual union. You must be convinced that there is but one valid standard by which to evaluate your sexual union. And you know where that's found? First Corinthians chapter 7.

55:57 Let the husband render unto the wife her due, likewise also the wife unto the husband. For the wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband. And likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife. Withhold not one from the other, except it be by consent for a season, that you may give yourselves unto prayer, and may be together again that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency.

56:31 Now, several things are very clear on the surface of this passage. Number one, Paul recognizes that both men and women have sexual needs that are to be respected in marriage. Now at this point I get angry when people say the Christian church and the Bible are responsible for a male dominated concept of human sexuality. Who said so? Paul didn't say so. He puts them together. He says it. Paul says it. Paul says it. He says it. He says, in fact he starts, let the husband render to the wife her due. She has sexual needs and it's legitimate for her to make her needs known, and the man is responsible to meet her. And he says, alright, then let the wife render to the husband his due. Now here's the key concept. The wife hath not power over her own body but the husband. The husband

57:22 hath not power over his own body but the wife. Now get the picture. He says as a sexual creature, this Christian man, his body exists as a sexual entity to do one thing, to fulfill his wife's needs. This woman as a sexual entity, her sexuality and all that that involves, it exists to fulfill him as a man. Now what is the one standard by which we evaluate our sexual experience? Here's the one standard. When the man can look the woman who is his wife in the eye and say, dear. Do I meet your needs? Do I make you feel like a whole, a complete, a fulfilled woman?

58:06 If she says yes, then he's all the lover God ever intended him to be. Nothing less, nothing more. Conversely, after you've been married for a bit, you've begun to get adjusted to your responsibilities and privileges in this area, you look your young broom in the face and you say, dear, I want to know one thing. Do I make you feel like a complete man?

58:31 Yes. Do I make you feel? fulfilled as a man? If he says yes, then that's all the lover of God expects you to be.

58:39 And you know, many a satisfactory sexual relationship has been disrupted and destroyed because somebody went to a bookstore and read a book that says a woman should have this and went on to describe in clinical detail and in romantic and unrealistic language all the flights of ecstasy that a woman ought to have. The woman became discontent. The husband then became discontent because he couldn't fulfill her that way. And you know what happened?

59:06 In a very happy, successful marriage, disruption and discontent came because somebody dared to stick their nose in the bedroom and violate this standard. And I can't emphasize this enough to you young couples. This is the one valid standard by which to evaluate your sexual performance. You exist to fulfill that woman.

59:29 That woman exists to fulfill you. And if that is being done, then you are what God would have you to be in your sexual relationship and performance.

59:40 And I found that that has been one of the most helpful things as I've had to wrestle with couples who are wrestling through these problems and have been afflicted with some of the pagan mentality in our day. And I go back, you see, to that matter of the prostitute, you see. She's the one who performs without any relationship to the person, but she's the one who performs but not so in Christian marriage. And it's because of this very reason that I have to say I can't recommend several books even written by Christians.

60:12 There's a book written by a man named Miles, a Southern Baptist man, and it has some good things in it called Sexual Happiness in Marriage. And he makes a real effort to deal with sexuality from a biblical standpoint. And his first two chapters are masterful. But he's been affected with some of the worldly concepts here and he does not come out strong with this principle, you see, that we do not say that all women have this level of desire and must have this to be fulfilled and all men have...

60:43 No, no, no, no. There is but one woman that you are seeking to fulfill. That's the one to whom you've said, I so and so take thee to be my God-given wife. That's the problem with this Maribel Morgan's book, The Total Woman, among other things.

Principle 5: Sensitive Relationship Between Sex and General Marriage Condition

60:59 So be convinced, please, there is but one valid standard. By which to evaluate your sexual union. Fifth principle, and this perhaps is the most important. You must be convinced of the sensitive relationship between your sexual union and the general condition of your marriage.

61:25 You must be convinced of the sensitive relationship between your sexual union and the general condition of your marriage. We go back to Genesis 2. If you're not, cleaving to the whole person in the totality of the relationship, you're going to see the breakdown in the bedroom or you're going to turn the bedroom into a lie.

61:48 A man shall cleave to his wife, the whole person, in love. And then it says, they too shall be one flesh. And Dwight Small has some very perceptive things to say here on page 96 and 97. I won't take time to quote them because I'm running out of time.

62:07 What about the young man that says, well, my wife is cold. She's not responsive. Well, you see what the problem is? He's been self-centered in the living room.

62:17 He's been touchy and crotchety and grumpy in the kitchen. He's been insensitive to the children.

62:25 And now because he steps behind the bedroom door, she's supposed to be all turned on to him? No, no. She's not frigid. The problem is she just can't turn herself into a prostitute who can divorce her sexual performance from the whole person and the whole lifestyle of that.

62:42 And don't expect her to be turned into a prostitute. The minute she sees her John come through the door who's paid his 25 bucks, she can turn herself on because that's her business. But a Christian wife isn't a prostitute.

62:58 And if you're selfish and self-centered and quick and churlish and insensitive in the totality of your relationship, don't you expect your wife to be turned on when you come through the bedroom door? I don't care if you're built like Apollos. Not like Apollos. Yeah, yeah.

63:14 If you're built, like a Greek god and I don't care if you've got 17-inch biceps and a 50-inch chest and a 28-inch waist and can flex your muscles like Nana and don't mount to a hill of beans.

63:28 And I speak to you men particularly about this because your fuse, your sexual fuse is a lot shorter than your wife's. Generally speaking, a man's sexuality lies more on the surface and a woman's lies beneath the surface and has to be drawn out. A man's can be sparked by almost anything. And if you want to bury your wife's sexuality and her God-given desire, you just do it by trying to separate your sweet nothings whispered in the bedroom from your quick, sharp, angry, selfish words in the living room and in the kitchen.

64:02 You see, you must not do this. In a very real sense,

64:07 your experience in the bedroom is an index of just where your marriage is.

64:15 That's why you see and I draw these on the board and say, what in the world are those there for? Well, there's two pyramids. This is small, and you'll notice here the top stone is not on the pyramid. And these blocks that make up the pyramid are what I would call the areas of mutual oneness discovered in courtship.

64:33 And you've discovered the many things that have drawn you together so that you want to enter marriage. Well, when that union is consummated, you forsaken father and mother, you cleave together, and in that initial sexual union, the top stone is put on the pyramid and God now declares you married.

64:53 This side of marriage, you notice the pyramid is larger now, the fulfillment, the richness, the growing dimension of your sexual union will be in direct proportion to the growing dimensions of the other areas of your marital experience and oneness. You see? If it's mutual interest in all of these things that have drawn you here, as those grow in marriage, this is the beauty of it. They spill their richness over into the sexual union so that instead of it becoming stay, stay, or indulge and someone has to look elsewhere, the longer a couple are married, in a growing, dynamic relationship of increasing oneness here, the richer becomes their sexual union so that they can look back after 20 years and wonder what in the world they had on their wedding night. And they can look back after 40 years, though the intensity and the frequency may wane. It's not abnormal if sexual desire goes right on as long as people are alive. The idea that somebody just goes out of business when he gets to be 50 is ridiculous.

65:56 If there's a richness of relationship, it's not abnormal for couples to still have sexual relationships in their 60s and beyond. Why shouldn't they? If they're physically well, and if they're one, and if there's that loving desire for one another, now granted, they're not going to carry on like a couple of honeymooners as far as frequency. No, no.

66:17 But you see the principle that we're dealing with? And that's so fundamental in the whole sexual relationship. You must be convinced of the sensitive relationship between the tontons, the fatality of your marriage, and your sexual experience. And often, people think they've got problems with technique and performance in the bedroom, but the problem is what's going on out in the living room and out in the kitchen.

66:38 That's where the problem is. And you've found it even in your courtship, haven't you? There's some nights you guys have tried to snuggle up and you've sensed, you know, you had half an iceberg next to you. And you say, well, what's the matter?

66:49 Well, it was some stupid thing you did. Here she fixed something very nice and you didn't even notice it. And she's hurt. And because she's hurt, she ain't turned on.

67:00 Right? Well, you just multiply that ten times over. Then you just get a little taste of what it's like, you see? And that goes right on into the relationship.

Practical Guidelines for Sexual Intimacy

67:08 All right? Now, in closing, let me give you a few practical guidelines. I've tried to give you the five biblical principles. Now, practical guidelines.

67:17 I'm going to give you six key words, very quickly. All right? Six key words. Throughout all of your married life, in the area of your sexual relationship, seek to maintain, and I'm going to give you the six words.

67:30 Seek to maintain, number one, secrecy or privacy, whichever word you like best.

67:37 Look upon your sexual relationship as a walled garden into which you and your mate and God alone enter. It's not that you're prudish. It's not that you're puritanical. It's just that it's such an intimate, personal dimension that it's spoiled by anybody looking over the wall.

67:58 Don't talk about it. Don't talk to any of your girlfriends or even your mum about your sexual experience with your husband. That's bringing someone into the garden who doesn't belong there. Keep absolute privacy and secrecy and never disclose any concerns or problems to anyone unless it's by mutual consent.

68:19 If you're going to seek help, if some of you have some problems and you agree that you want to come and talk to me, you want to go talk to a professional counselor, by mutual agreement. But the minute one or the other has any reason to believe that anyone else has entered that garden, that walled garden of your own secret private sexual experience, you're heading for trouble. All right? Secondly, maintain spontaneity.

68:46 Don't get into a rut as to how often you come together, who initiates, and you'll begin to set up your own little set of signals. And that's why every married couple is absolutely unique. A look, a word, an attitude, a posture, a way of dressing or not dressing, you'll get your own little signals between each other. Keep the spontaneity.

69:10 How often? Who initiates? Where? When?

69:13 Spontaneity. Don't get into a rut. Oh, it's Monday night again. Oh, yes, okay.

69:19 No, no, no, no, no. Spontaneity. Let there never be the curse of the rut in your sexual relationship. And then thirdly, seek to maintain flexibility.

69:31 Flexibility as to the length of any given sexual relationship. as to just what you do in preparing each other for the sexual union, as to foreplay.

69:43 I like to think of it in terms of a snack, a normal meal, and then a special anniversary dinner. Now, all of them provide food for sustenance. But you see, there are different levels of culinary delight. Well, the same way in your sexual relationship.

70:01 And you guys have got to learn this. There are times when your wife will be just so tired and she'll be glad to have you and she'll have the attitude, if you want me, Buster, you can have me, but don't expect too much from me. Well, if that's the way she shows her love, you've got to accept the offering she gives you. And not have your nose bent that you're not, you know, chief lover number one.

70:22 She's just plain too tired. She couldn't get turned on with anybody. So, you learn to accept that offering. If you've got a physiological need that needs to be met and she realizes her body's not hers and that's what she offers, you accept the offering.

70:38 I've had recently to deal with some husbands who they've had a problem with this because, you see, their pride was wounded. That their wife didn't want to indulge in a half an hour, an hour of lovemaking. They were just too tired. Responsibilities with children.

70:53 And then there are other times when you can have a little more adequate meal and then occasionally you ought to prepare a gourmet meal to keep the freshness in your sexual relationship. That's the time when if you're able to do so, you've got to do it. So, you've got to do it. So, you've got to do it.

71:06 So, you've got to do it. So, you've got to do it. You take an extra nap that afternoon and you make sure that if children aren't there especially it's much easier to do this and you get that special night down that you know he really likes and that special bath oil and all the rest and you meet him just like you were on your wedding night. Well, that keeps the freshness.

71:23 You see, flexibility. And then, fourthly, seek to maintain your desirability.

71:30 And may I say very seriously, the physical aspects of the sexual relationship are greatly affected by what we see. The Song of Solomon. You find the bride celebrating the sight of the strong legs of her husband. You find the bridegroom celebrating the sight of his wife's beautiful body.

71:52 Now, he does talk about some things that don't particularly strike our ear about her teeth and other things and imagery that seems kind of odd to us. But the principle is there. That there was the desirability as to what was seen. And you can't make yourself into a Miss Universe and neither can a man can do more really to make himself into a Mr. Universe.

72:17 A man's body responds more to the kind of exercise that will put muscle on but what girl wants to look like you know, an Amazon.

72:26 But realizing this, still the principle holds. Seek to maintain your desirability. Don't let yourself go to pot.

72:37 That's what I'm talking about. You've seen some wives kept themselves so trim. And it's really dishonest when the man said I take thee what he took is now longer no longer that. It's something plus 50 pounds of blubber.

72:52 And the reverse is true with guys. And it gets me to see guys sitting around with their big paunches you know, talking about their fat wives.

73:00 I think it's an insult. If a man does not care enough to keep himself physically attractive he's saying to his wife you don't matter enough to me to exercise the discipline necessary to keep myself attractive. Mr. Chauncey said a pretty interesting thing along this very line and I'm glad he picked on the men because usually they pick on the women here.

73:19 He said men need to watch this too. Although physical appearance is not as important as in a man as in a woman. And I say who says so? That's a little bit of his chauvinism coming through.

73:29 What woman can be expected to go into raptures about sleeping with an overblown porpoise?

73:36 Well maintain your desirability. It's a very practical thing but very necessary. And then fifthly maintain a realistic experience of expectancy from your sexual relationships. Remember marriage is not just sex.

73:53 And sex is not the whole of marriage. As sin has affected every other area of our performance in marriage there are going to be some kinks in our sexual performance. We are not in the Garden of Eden before the fall. And so you're going to enter marriage with some kinks in your ability to perform perfectly as a sexual partner.

74:15 So have realistic experience and expectancies. For most of you your wedding night will be a fiasco. Expect it. Learn to laugh at it.

74:23 It will be one of your cherished memories to look back later on when you have a deep, rich, efficient sexual relationship based on love and growing respect and all the rest. You'll be able to look back and laugh at your wedding night when you were so hopelessly inept at being what you wanted to be and everything else. Well don't cry about it on your wedding night. Laugh about it if necessary.

74:49 Have realistic expectancy. You see the whole idea that you know someone has just got to be the perfect lover. Well that's ridiculous. You've got a whole lifetime to learn to know and enjoy one another in this area.

75:06 Huh? A whole lifetime. A whole lifetime. So you can make haste slowly.

75:12 Have realistic expectancy. And then all along the line you've got to learn self-control. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control. And you've got to learn some self-control.

75:24 There's going to be a few days every month when you've got to mind your business your thoughts. And when your wife gets pregnant sometimes a woman's desire increases. Sometimes it goes dead. I know one woman the day after she's pregnant it seems like everything that makes her husband desirable to her long before she's got a big tummy and the rest she just doesn't have an ounce of sexual desire.

75:46 It all goes dead in her. Well a husband's got to react accordingly. She's got to react accordingly. Have realistic expectancy.

75:54 Most doctors advise the last six weeks of the pregnancy you've got to mind your business. And they'll tell you not to come near your wife six weeks after she's had the baby. That's a pretty long period. And you've got to learn some self-control.

76:07 Well that's the realism of it. There's some of us whose work demands that we have to be away from home. That's not easy. If you could just somehow flip a switch and have all those systems shut down shut the systems down it doesn't work that way.

76:21 You've got to learn self-control. And this is part of the realism. And this is what I'm encouraging because you see the whole pressure upon our minds from all the literature that's glutting the markets it's an unrealistic view. You don't spend your whole life in bed.

76:36 In fact, you spend relatively little time in your actual sexual relationship. And so the important thing is to have realistic expectancies and to be concerned with the quality and the quality and the maintenance and development of the richness of this relationship. And then last of all maintain honesty and openness. You've got to talk about this area.

77:01 Not too much before you're married because if you're human talking will awaken desire. And I've prayed that God would help me to be discreet even tonight. I've said, Lord help me that I would not in any way speak in such a way as to be the occasion of stumbling and awakening desires that at this time would not be wholesome. I've tried to steer that line between that and veiled talk that would not be helpful and I trust God has helped us in this.

77:26 But you must cultivate honesty and openness particularly after you're married. Here's a husband that says, all right, under God I realize my body exists to fulfill my will. And he says in essence, look, I'm your servant to fulfill you. Well, how in the world can he do that if she doesn't tell him what's pleasing?

77:47 If she's too prudish or too reserved to say, that doesn't please me. Well, dear, I would like you to do this. You've got to be open and vice versa. Openness.

78:01 If you find certain things distasteful, people often ask the question, well, what's legitimate between a married couple? What forms of expressing our love and affection? Well, the basic principle is that love never forces itself. You see?

78:16 It will not force itself upon another. Maybe something that is pleasing to one part or a partner that is very distasteful and aesthetically displeasing to another. Well, the partner to whom it's pleasing will not insist upon having his or her way at the expense of the other's feeling. You see?

78:35 On the other hand, the other person may find certain aspects of their relationship that aren't particularly attractive to them, but they will cultivate a tolerable degree of appreciation because they know that pleases the partner. Now, I don't know what you'd do if you had the problem one man did that came to seek a kiss from his wife in Wisconsin. He could not stand to kiss his wife on the lips. Now, I don't know what in the world I'd tell a guy like that.

79:00 He had some kind of a hang-up about kissing on the lips. He didn't mind kissing his wife on the neck, on the ear, any other place, but it almost made him want to vomit to kiss on the lips. Now, that guy had a real problem and it's obvious that a poor wife like that had to do some real adjustment. Now, I used an illustration that's very, very way up and it doesn't apply to any of you, but you see within the marriage relationship you may find certain things that are distasteful to one another, but this comes by experimentation, by being open, by being frank, by being honest, and as you do, I'm convinced that this area will take its proper place.

79:41 If you've got a good relationship now which makes your engagement both wise and desirable, then you have natural longings to fulfill your love for one another and that's what marriage is all about. Face that for what it is, wholesome, normal, God-honoring, but I plead with those of you who aren't going to be married for a while, don't tempt the Lord and put yourself in the place of unnecessary temptation. Stay clear of all the kind of petting and kissing that is legitimate foreplay to stimulate each other for intercourse. Steer clear of it, of complete unity.

80:23 And if you start the kind of petting and the kind of kissing and I don't think I need to go into any details, you know exactly what I'm talking about, that is more than that which at this level is proper in terms of a valid expression of your affection to one another, then you'll only have regrets. I've never met a couple who said we're sorry we kept the brakes upon ourselves until we married. Never have I met but I've met many who say would to God and say don't play with your passions. Don't play with them.

80:55 They're powerful things and you don't know how powerful they are if God has kept you and you enter marriage a virgin as a man or a woman, you don't know the measure of your sexual appetite. Don't, don't force yourself into that awkward position of letting the tiger get one foot out of the cage and then trying to push him back in. He may claw you to death. Alright?

81:17 That's just a little word of fatherly and pastoral counsel to you so that you'll have to enter marriage with the confidence that comes from a clear conscience before the Lord. Well, I hope you'll find these things helpful. As I say, I've spent a better part of two days preparing the lesson for tonight hoping that I've been balanced and biblical and you test these things by the scriptures, will you? Well, let's ask God to seal the things to our hearts.

81:46 Lord, we're so grateful that with a world that is killing itself with its preoccupation with sex it has never yet discovered what it's all about. How we thank you for the scriptures. Lord, we bless you for this book which teaches us who we are not only as creatures made to know you but as creatures made with the capacity to be one flesh with a husband or with a wife. Lord, bless the things we've shared tonight.

82:14 Whatever's been tinged by man's wisdom, oh Lord, blow upon it and bring it to naught. Whatever's been true to your words seal to our prophet before Jesus' name. Amen.