Apologizing vs. Asking Forgiveness

Introduction to the Series: Now Concerning Forgiveness

0:03 The following sermon was delivered on Sunday morning, June 15, 2003, at Trinity Baptist Church in Montville, New Jersey. In that passage that I have read several times in this series of studies, Ephesians 4, we read, Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Forgiveness. What is it? Forgiveness. Who needs it? Forgiveness. How does one obtain it, both from God and from one's fellow man?

0:54 Forgiveness. Is it conditional or unconditional? These are some of the very basic questions I'm seeking to answer from the Scripture. In our present series of studies entitled, Now Concerning Forgiveness.

1:16 And from the current literature being produced on the subject of forgiveness, two things are very clear in my judgment. Number one, that many people sense a need to understand and to experience new dimensions of this spiritual commodity called forgiveness. But secondly, it is evident to me, from what I have read, that people are confused regarding the doctrine of forgiveness. When one reads that one must forgive God, forgive dogs, and forgive one's dead relatives, I say there is great confusion.

2:00 And those that suggest that we forgive God and forgive dogs and dead relatives, they are evangelical Christians whose books are being produced by evangelical Christian publishing houses. And so when I say it is evident from the literature being produced that there is on the one hand a deep desire, perhaps a vacuum of ignorance, and on the other hand, great confusion, these are not overstatements. Therefore, to respond...

Laying the Biblical Foundation for Forgiveness

2:38 To respond to the need, and in an attempt to blow away some of the smog and fog of confusion, I've chosen to bring this series of studies which, in a very real sense, has been brewing and percolating in my own spirit for a very long time. In addressing this life and death issue of forgiveness, we come this morning to the sixth message. In the opening messages, I sought to lay a solid biblical...

3:09 A solid biblical foundation for our understanding of this vital subject by doing several things. Number one, I sought to demonstrate the centrality of forgiveness in biblical revelation. And in seeking to do that, I hope I persuaded you that according to the Scriptures, this thing is so central that it is accurate to say that God, who has a disposition of forgiveness, has procured forgiveness. Procured and proclaims in the gospel the way of forgiveness, thereby constituting in those who embrace the gospel a community marked by forgiveness.

3:53 A people who are forgiven and forgiving sinners. That's what the church is. That's not all it is, but that's what it is in its essential identity. And then I sought to arrive with you at a biblical definition and description of forgiveness by examining the seven primary words used to convey the notion of forgiveness in the Old and New Testaments, and then by considering the vivid word pictures by which forgiveness is clearly illustrated.

4:33 Then, and this is a most significant concern, I sought to demonstrate... I sought to demonstrate...

4:38 I sought to demonstrate from Ephesians 4.32 that God's forgiveness of us is to be the paradigm or the pattern by which we forgive one another. We are to be forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave us. So if we are confused about how God in Christ forgives us, we'll be confused about how we are to forgive one another.

5:08 we are to forgive one another even as God in Christ forgave us. And so that led us immediately to the very vexing question. Is forgiveness conditional or unconditional. And we saw from the unanimous testimony of scripture that God's forgiveness of us is not unconditional, it is conditioned upon repentance and faith.

5:33 And those conditions are not meritorious. Those conditions are not self-judging. generated, nonetheless, no one can say he is forgiven by God who is still an impenitent sinner. No one can say he is forgiven by God if he is still an unbelieving sinner. It is only penitent believing sinners that can lay claim to forgiveness according to the Scriptures. And therefore, if God's forgiveness of us is the paradigm, the pattern of our forgiveness of one another, all of this talk about unconditional forgiveness, we ought to be a bit suspicious of it, and we ought to question whether or not it is rooted in the sound handling of the Word of the living God. And then, in the last message, I sought to address what I call four

6:32 common mistakes concerning the duty and privilege, primarily, of horizontal or relational forgiveness. Four common mistakes. And now, this morning, I want to take up the first of three things that I'm calling three vital pastoral and practical perspectives concerning forgiveness. We looked at four mistakes, and if you are not here, I urge you to get attention.

Apologizing vs. Seeking Forgiveness: The Core Distinction

7:02 The things we addressed are absolutely critical, and I trust many of you, in your interaction with me, found it helpful to break through a lot of confused thinking on some of these matters, and I would urge you, if you were not here, to get the tape, to listen, to evaluate what was asserted in the light of Scripture. But now, I want to take up three vital pastoral and practical perspectives concerning forgiveness. I had hoped, in my original preparation, to deal with all three, but when I came to my final preparation late yesterday, I said, no way, Jose, I'm going to have to take up one this morning, and hopefully, God willing, next Lord's Day, the final two. And the first of these vital pastoral and practical perspectives is this. The common practice of apologizing and the biblical pattern of sinning. Seeking forgiveness are not identical or interchangeable. The common practice of apologizing

8:14 and the biblical pattern of seeking forgiveness are not identical or interchangeable. Now, that brings us to, those of you who take notes, that's Roman numeral I, large letter A.

8:33 What is the common practice of apologizing? Seeking forgiveness are not identical or interchangeable. What is the common or general practice of apologizing? Well, in the dictionary that I use, this is what I found. Apologize, to acknowledge and express regret for a fault or a wrong. That's apologizing. To acknowledge and express regret for a fault or a wrong. It looks and sounds something like this.

9:07 this. A prominent political figure is publicly exposed and proven guilty of a serious moral or ethical deviation or lapse. No longer can there be evasion or denial. The evidence is so overwhelming people would have to cut their heads off and bury them not to be persuaded this well-known political figure has been guilty indeed of serious moral or ethical lapses.

9:44 What does this person do? Well he will appear in one forum or another sometimes before national television and he'll say something like this. I stand before you today to acknowledge that I made a terrible mistake.

10:03 I exercised poor judgment in what I did. Furthermore I want you to know that I'm terribly sorry for what I did. The hurt that it caused my wife, my family and you the people who put me in office I sincerely apologize. Now that's what the common practice of apology looks like and that fits the formal definition.

10:33 The man is acknowledging and expressing regret for a fault or a wrong. He's made an apology or maybe a prominent athlete is caught cheating a la Sammy Sosa with his corked bat. In case those of you don't know what's going on here Sammy Sosa is one of the few people that's hit over 500 home runs in his career and if you drill out a place in a bat and put cork instead of wood it gives it more power. Well Sammy Sosa was at bat a couple of weeks ago and he broke his bat and they handed it to the umpire and there they found cork.

11:15 So Sammy's response was something like this. I made a terrible mistake. That's the one corked bat I have and I use it in batting practice so I can hit moon shots for the people that come early to see me hit home runs in batting practice and somehow I messed up and didn't realize that's the one I was pulling off the bat rack. Really?

11:36 I should have been more careful in picking my bat. I'm sorry. That's apologizing. Or you got two children. You go in the other room and I mean they're going at one another like cats and dogs. And you finally sort out who started the fight and all the rest and you say now Johnny you shouldn't have hit your sister Susie. Now I want you to say I'm sorry. Say sorry. So with a look that would kill Susie.

12:17 You say sorry. Okay Johnny now it's all taken care of. Susie you accept his apology? Yep. That's apologizing. That's what passes for apologizing. That's apologizing.

12:35 Tragically absent in the common practice of apologizing whether we hear an apology from a prominent political figure a prominent athlete or among children interacting with one another. Tragically absent are three things. The naming of the fault as sin. When have you heard a national political figure look the camera in the eye and say when I embezzled the funds I sinned against almighty God and against the American people. When I engaged in that immoral relationship I sinned against the God of heaven.

13:25 And against my wife and those who put me in office. There is no naming of the issue as sin. Secondly there is no seeking of forgiveness for the sin. I apologize. I'm sorry you don't hear the words and for what I have done I sincerely ask your forgiveness. Rarely do you hear that.

13:54 And thirdly there is no gracious conferral and the trustful reception of forgiveness on the part of the offending party. There is no opportunity given to say you have acknowledged sin. You have asked forgiveness. I or we freely cheerfully joyfully extend that forgiveness.

Three Essential Elements of Biblical Forgiveness

14:20 Now it is just these three things that constantly. The heart of the issues in the biblical pattern of seeking and receiving forgiveness. Why. Because those three things are essential to true repentance and faith. Forgive as God forgave you in Christ. There must be and let's go over those three things in a little detail. There must be the owning of sin as sin against another.

14:55 Whether God or man. For example in Luke 15 when our Lord is describing the prodigal's return. It says when he came to himself he said I will arise and go to my father and say to my father I made a terrible mistake in leaving home dad. No. Dad I feel so bad at my mistake in leaving home and blowing all the inheritance. No.

15:26 I will arise and go to my father and say father I have sinned against heaven and in your sight and am no more worthy to be called your son. I. Son where did you sin against the God of heaven and against my father. Or Psalm 51.

15:55 David saying against you and you only have I. Sinned and done this evil in thy sight. Behold you desire truth in the inward part. But I was shapen in iniquity and in sin did my mother conceive me.

16:16 And David's forgiveness as we saw two weeks ago came when he said in the presence of the prophet I have sinned against the Lord. The Lord has put away. Your sin Psalm 34 in verse 1 contrasted with verse 5 David says blessed is the man whose iniquity whose transgression is forgiven whose sin is covered. Now when did it get covered.

16:46 When was it forgiven. Verse 5 I acknowledge my sin unto you and my iniquity did I not hide. I said I will confess my transgression. To the Lord and you forgave the iniquity of my sin sin iniquity transgression iniquity sin David I got the message.

17:13 What you did you're not calling a weakness a mistake you're owning it to be ethical and moral aberration before the eyes of God and his law. It is sin. It is transgression. Likewise when our Lord says in Luke 17 3 and 4 if your brother sin against you rebuke him if he repents forgive him and what is essential to that repentance.

17:46 It's the man saying I have sinned you have come to me you have rebuked me for my sin. I own my sin. Will you. Will you.

17:58 Will you. Forgive me and we could multiply passage after passage in reading through a number of the Old Testament classic passages such as Ezra 9 Nehemiah 9 Daniel 9 2nd Chronicles 6 passage after passage where bound up in the whole complex of divine forgiveness is the owning of sin. Secondly there must be the seeking of forgiveness from the offended party. Whether it's God or man seeking forgiveness owning sin seeking forgiveness from the offended party.

18:37 How did Jesus teach us to pray forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. It is not only the acknowledgement of sin but the seeking of the forgiveness from the offended party. Asking the offending party to make the commitment of forgiveness remember what it is now it's that commitment couched in a promise from the offending party when they say I do forgive what they're saying is I will not willfully allow this ever to come to my mind again I will never raise it with you I will not raise it with others and I will not allow it to be a barrier to the restoration of our relationship. That's what forgiveness is. The commitment of will couched in a promise that's what forgiveness is and we come as the offending party to God or to one another seeking forgiveness.

Joseph and His Brothers: An Illustration of Unconferred Forgiveness

19:41 That's why David prayed in Psalm 51 and verse 9 specifically it was not enough that the opening verses are this unashamed profuse acknowledgement of what he did as sin. Now he says hide your face from my sight. Sins and blot out all my iniquities that's the language of forgiveness hide your face no longer look upon it blotted out so that in your mind. No God did no longer exist and is a barrier between my communion with you and yours with me is an interesting complex of circumstances in that whole incident of Joseph with his brothers and here I want you to turn to the. Was. The passage it was fascinating for me to reread and speed read that whole situation when Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery and then remember in the mysterious providence of God the brothers are brought down to Egypt in Joseph discloses himself and obviously Joseph is a beautiful example of one who has the disposition of forgiveness beating at the door of his heart he's not out to get vengeance upon his brother. That's why you would love to stay in the church.

20:45 What brothers but now old papa dies jacob dies and we read in verse 15 of genesis 50 these words and when joseph's brethren saw that their father was dead they said it may be that joseph will hate us and will fully requite us all the evil which we did unto him why were they fearful that after all the kindness he had shown to them all of the ways that he evidenced to them that he had no vengeance in his heart why were they still fearful that he might get them now that papa's dead because forgiveness had not been sought nor conferred don't forget that joseph had manifested that he loved his enemies was doing good to his enemies that that He had no desire to take vengeance in His own hands, the things we considered in the previous message. But that was not forgiveness. And they knew that.

22:08 And that's why they were scared witless. Now that Papa's dead, Joseph may get us. So what do they say? Look at verse 16.

22:19 And they sent a message to Joseph saying, Your father did command before he died, saying, So shall you say. So shall you say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray you now, the transgression of your brethren and their sin. For that they did unto you evil.

22:47 Well, Papa understood what we're preaching about. You guys go and eat crow with your brother. And you say to him, Say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray, transgression, sin, and evil. And now, no longer quoting Pop.

23:08 And now we pray you, Forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father. And Joseph wept when they spoke unto him. And his brethren went down and fell down before his face. And they said, Behold, we are your servants.

23:30 And Joseph, Joseph said, Don't be afraid. For am I in the place of God? I have not pushed God from His throne and usurped His place to take vengeance upon you. No, if any vengeance was to come upon you, that was God's business.

23:45 And as for you, you meant evil against me. God meant it for good, etc. I will nourish you, your little ones. And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

23:57 And never again did they have any, any fear that Joseph would bring their sin up against them. Why? They acknowledged their sin. They sought and received forgiveness.

24:15 And the issue was finally buried. Buried. Forever buried.

The Gracious Conferral and Believing Reception of Forgiveness

24:21 You see, apology bypasses the owning and naming of the issues as sin. Whereas the complex of divine forgiveness, there must be the owning, there must be the owning of sin against another, God or man. There must be the seeking of forgiveness from the ascended party. And thirdly, there must be a gracious conferral and a believing reception of forgiveness.

24:49 A gracious conferral and a believing reception of forgiveness. Luke 17 again. If your brother sinned against you, rebuke him. If he repents, well how do you know he repents?

25:01 Does God give you special glasses? You can look inside. You can look inside his heart and see that he's owned his sin, that he's grieved for his sin, that he wants forgiveness. Are you to be some kind of a mind reader?

25:13 No. If he repents, that is, if he expresses in words. That's why the Lord can go on to say, if he come to you. Let's look at the passage.

25:26 So you get it through the eyeballs as well as my quoting the passage. You won't have any question that I was somehow putting something there that isn't, verse 3, Luke 17. If your brother sinned, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him.

25:41 If he sinned against you seven times in the day and seven times turn again to you. Now look at the next word, saying, saying, saying. He's using his mouth and with his mouth he's saying, I repent. I own the sin for which you've reproved me.

26:01 I see it is sin. I know it's something that I need. I need to have forgiven, not only from God, but from you, the human offended party. Will you forgive me?

26:16 And what are we to do? We are to forgive. You shall forgive him. You shall make the promise and commitment of forgiveness.

26:29 You will say, I forgive. That is, I will never willfully, allow this issue to pop up as we saw two weeks ago on the screen of my mind and let it remain. I'll push the delete button. I won't allow it to remain.

26:47 I will not raise the issue with you. I will not raise it with others and I will not allow it to be a barrier to the restoration of our relationship. Now you see, these three things are critical in biblical conferring, seeking forgiveness. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

27:16 And when do we have that forgiveness? When we take it in the promise of God's word and we believe it and embrace it to our hearts. We come to God confessing our sin. God comes to us in the word and promise of such passages.

27:36 And we say, oh God, I do believe what you have said. He that confesses his, he that covers his sin shall not prosper, but whoso confesses and forsakes them shall obtain mercy. Lord, this is your promise. You are worthy to be trusted.

27:50 I have confessed my sin to you. I now take your word of promise that forgiveness has been conferred. Now what then is apologizing as it is commonly practiced, especially among God's children?

Four Types of Apologies Among God's Children (Best to Worst)

28:08 We've looked at what apology is in the dictionary definition, how apologies look in the world at large, the three deficiencies in apologies in the light of these three elements that are crucial in the divinely revealed complex of receiving forgiveness. Well, what then is apologizing as it is commonly practiced, especially among God's children? Well, I'm going to respond to that question. By stating four things, moving from the best to the worst, I see, I don't take the position of some Christian authors that apologies are just a totally unbiblical, unchristian thing.

28:52 If you ever hear an apology, get in someone's face and rebuke them. No, no, I want to be fair. I want to be sensitive. And this is what, in my judgment, apologies among the people of God really are from the best to the worst.

29:10 All right. Number one, an apology, remember what an apology is now? It's the admission of a fault with some measure of grief. That's what apologizing is.

29:22 I'm terribly sorry for what I did to you. That's an apology. Now, an apology may be, here's the best thing it can be, it may be a sincere but imprecise and poorly expressed attempt at confessing. Now, that's what an apology may be.

29:46 It may be a sincere but imprecise and poorly expressed attempt at confessing sin and seeking forgiveness. Let me illustrate. Here's a boy who has a pattern of honesty in his relationship to his mom and dad, generally compliant and obedient with his teachers, his parents, and there's a special social event with his peers. And I mean, he wants so bad to go to that thing, he can taste it.

30:15 But he's been told, now, son, you cannot go to that event unless you have completed the homework that's due on Monday. This event's going to take place on a Friday evening. Work comes before play, son. That's how we reared you.

30:28 That's how I was reared. I remember being old enough, ninth grade, wanting to go to the football game. Our high school started at 10th grade. I hadn't yet been playing high school football.

30:40 Start that at 10th grade. But it was in my bloodstream, and I desperately wanted to go to the football games. But one of my Saturday chores, football games were Saturday afternoon, one o'clock, was scrubbing the kitchen floor and the bathroom floor. I remember one time when I didn't do the floors, and I started to go out of the house to the football, my dad said, where are you going, son?

31:02 He said, no, you're not. And I think I remember him saying, if he didn't say these words, this was the intention. We're talking about decades ago. So I don't swear on a story.

31:12 I don't have a stack of Bibles that I'm giving you a court transcript. But the essence of what my father said was, son, you can scrub the floor with your tears, but if they're not done, you don't go. Period. End of discussion.

31:28 That's the way I was reared. And I thank God for that. Well, this kid's got the same kind of parents. They mean what they say, no homework, no social activity.

31:39 So what's he do? When mom asked him, now he's been trustworthy. So mom says, son, did you do your homework? Uh-huh.

31:45 Well, yeah. It's all done. He's lying. He doesn't enjoy the social event too much.

31:52 His conscience is screaming at him. Puts a worm in the gourd of all of his pleasure. The guys even say to him, Johnny, what's wrong with you? He mumbles something.

32:02 By the time he gets home, his soul is just so troubled, he bursts through the door, throws his arms around his mother and says, mom, mom, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She says, son, what's the matter? I lied.

32:18 I'm so sorry, mom. I'm so sorry. I told you the homework was done and it isn't done. I'm sorry, mom.

32:22 I'm sorry. I am really sorry. Now, what should the mother do? Should she push him off by the shoulders and say, now, that's no confessing.

32:26 All you're doing is telling me that you're sorry. I don't care how you feel. Let's have a real confession. No, no, no, no, no.

32:30 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. She puts her arm up. She says, son, what's the matter? I lied.

32:35 I'm so sorry, mom. I'm so sorry. I told you the homework was done and it isn't done. I'm sorry, mom.

32:39 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't care how you feel.

32:43 Let's have a real confession. No, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. She puts her arm on his shoulder and she says, son, mom is so thankful that you've got a tender conscience.

32:55 And it's obvious you're sorry. I don't think you're turning on your tears, but now, let me ask you a question, son. What are you sorry about? I'm sorry because I sinned.

33:04 Who did you sin against, son? I sinned against God. God says, here's your sin. Here's your sin.

33:09 Here's your sin. Here's your sin. Here's your sin. Here's your sin.

33:12 And he's an up there, false witness. Have you asked God's forgiveness? No, not yet, mom. Well, let's stop and do that right now.

33:19 Puts her arm around her son. She encourages him and he says, oh, God, forgive me for lying. Lord, I broke your commandment. I shouldn't have lied.

33:30 Lord, forgive me. Wash my sin of lying in the blood of Jesus. And he picks his head up and she says, now, son, who else did you sin against? Mom, I sinned against you and dad.

33:44 I had lied. Well, let me ask you, son. Do you think Mom stands ready, anxious to give you forgiveness? Oh, I know you do, Mom.

33:54 You always have. Well, what am I waiting for, son? I'm not sure. I'll tell you what I'm waiting for, son.

34:01 I'm waiting for you to say, Mom, I've sinned against you. Will you forgive me? Well, Mom, that's what I meant when I said I'm sorry. I know, son, but I want you to say what God says is a vital part of confessing sin.

34:19 I want to train your conscience biblically, son. Mom's heart stands ready in spirit and principle. It's already smothered you with forgiveness. But I want to hear from your lips.

34:31 Will you forgive me? And he says, Oh, Mom, will you forgive me? She puts her arms around him and says, Son, I've been forgiven so much even this day. How can I do anything other than forgive you?

34:44 Let's pray and thank God that there's forgiveness with God, that the blood of Jesus cleanses from all sin. What did she do? She took her son's apology that was a sincere but imperfect and poorly expressed attempt at confession of sin and seeking forgiveness, and she wisely, gently guided him. She guided her son into a more biblical expression of repentance and seeking and receiving forgiveness.

35:23 You follow me? And I am confident that there are many of you, because you've been brought up in a context where you weren't instructed in these things, but the language of apology sort of hung in the air, that that's the way you deal with your sins with one another. There's husbands and wives. And it's not just playing with words.

35:45 And I want to demonstrate that before I'm done. It's not just playing with words. Words convey thought, and thought is either accurate or inaccurate.

35:59 And so if you've been in the habit of apologizing, may I urge you to consider whether or not your apologies, though sincere, have been imprecise and poorly expressed. May we express the tense at confession and seeking forgiveness and do what God says we're to do in our relationships to one another so that the issues can be resolved biblically.

Apology as a Preliminary Element in Confession

36:29 Second thing an apology may be, an apology may be a vital and even necessary but preliminary element in confession of sin and seeking forgiveness of one another. An apology may be a vital and even necessary but preliminary element in confessing sin and seeking forgiveness. You see, an indispensable part of apology as we know it are the words sorry. Now sometimes people don't even say I'm sorry.

37:06 In the day where, you know, waitresses don't say I hope you enjoy your meal, but just say enjoy. I'll never get used to it. Never. Never, never, never, as long as I live.

37:20 I mean, how much breath is it going to cost the waitress to say I hope you enjoy your meal. But instead it's enjoy. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. But some of that verbal contraction enters in.

37:35 Say sorry. Sorry. Not even I am sorry. Or I am sorry for this or for that.

37:43 But nonetheless, the words I am sorry, that is an expression of grief for what I've done, is an integral part of an apology. Now follow me. True grief for sin is an integral part of repentance.

37:59 2 Corinthians chapter 7 and verse 8 and following. Paul writing to the Corinthians about the things he had to deal with in a rather strident way, he says in 2 Corinthians 7, 8, Though I made you sorry with my epistle, I don't regret it. Though I did regret it. For I see the epistle made you sorry, though but for a season.

38:20 I rejoice not that you were made sorry, but that you were made sorry unto repentance. For you were made sorry after a godly sort, that you might suffer loss by us in nothing for. Now notice. Godly sorrow works repentance unto salvation.

38:45 You see, godly. Godly sorrow is the precursor and the handmaid of true repentance. So that when someone makes an apology, comes to you and says, You know, I'm really sorry for what I did. That apology may be a vital and necessary but only preliminary element in the confession of sin and the seeking of forgiveness.

39:10 Again, case study. I don't often do this right through a sermon, but as I wrestled with this, I felt this would take the abstract and concretize it and be helpful. And that's my great end in preaching, is to help you. Here's a man, speaks sharply to his wife.

39:27 For a matter of two to three minutes, his tongue became a temporary sword and a bludgeon. And with it, he pierced his wife and he clubbed her. And because he's a true Christian man, and hear me carefully, because he's a true Christian man and the Holy Spirit dwells in him, he cannot long be comfortable when he's used his tongue as a rapier and a bludgeon. And if you can use it that way and be comfortable, give up any thought that you're a child of God.

40:01 Give up.

40:04 I didn't say give up if you use it. I said if you can be comfortable when you've used it that way.

40:13 This man's a real Christian. But he struggles with a hot temper. And there may have been circumstances that made his fuse very short. And his wife may have touched him.

40:24 At one of his most weak points. And maybe she sinned by doing it. She knows what buttons to push.

40:34 She pushed him. He went over the line. Spoke harshly. Negatively.

40:41 Pierced. Clubbed her. And it isn't long before his heart smites him. And he has a deep sense of grief because he knows from past experience when he does that, how it pains his wife.

40:55 In a sense, it would be easier. What would it be for her to take if he had taken a belt and smacked her on the shoulders, then used his tongue to cut her with words that will still rumble around in her head and echo in the chambers of her spirit. And he is deeply ashamed, deeply grieved. And he said, Oh God, I've done it again.

41:23 This horrible tongue of mine. Wretched man that I am. The good that I would. I do not need.

41:30 evil that I would not that I do oh God forgive me for using this instrument that ought to be an instrument of health and healing and grace to my wife forgive me for using it as a sword in the club you know Sooners asked God's forgiveness he goes into his wife and puts his arms around and says sweetheart please please believe me when I tell you I am so sorry I am deeply grieved at the pain and the sorrow that I've caused you and he's so taken up with a sense of shame and grief that he's bullied his wife that that's where his words stop now what should she do should she push him away and say don't hug me you haven't really confessed sin all you've done is tell me how you feel I'm sick and tired of it no no no no no no while his arms are still around her she should look up into his eyes and say sweetheart I'm so thankful you have a tender conscience yes you did deeply hurt me and wound me with your words but I see that you're genuinely grieved truly truly filled with sorrow but sweetheart what do you want me to do what do you mean what do I want you to do well you've told me that you

42:52 feel grief and it's evident that you are sorry and I believe you but what do you want me to do what do you mean what do I want you to do I mean exactly what I say sweetheart you've told me how you feel and you've let me know that you've entered into my pain and grief in terms of what you did but what do you want me to do well of course dear I want you to forgive me oh that's what I've been waiting to hear because I love to forgive because I'm a forgiving woman I am just delighted dear to forgive you and she knows when she says I forgive she's doing four things what's she doing she is pledging not consciously to bring it to mind she is pledging not to bring it up to him again she is pledging not to bring it up with others and she is pledging that the crack that it made in their emotional and marital closeness she will not allow this to press on that

44:01 crack and be a hindrance to a restored emotional marital intimacy. Now you see, what has she done? She's recognized that his apology was indeed a vital and even necessary but preliminary element in confession of sin and seeking forgiveness. So he came, the first two steps, she lovingly nurtured him along to steps three and four.

44:29 You follow me? Are you just shocked by this or what? You see what you do? Instead of become a rotten pharisaic legalist who takes what you've heard about forgiveness and use it as a club when people express the disposition and they don't do it quite kosher.

44:59 No, no, no, that's contrary to love that believes all things, that hopes all things, that takes no account. And if a husband is coming with tears in his head hung down and the language of grief, my dear woman, shame on you if you throw in his face that he hasn't come and said, I am coming to seek you. You see, you could come and use the words and not really be seeking forgiveness. Stride into the room and know, oh well, if I don't say I'm sorry and if I don't ask forgiveness.

45:40 Dear, I shouldn't have said what I did. Will you forgive me? Take that kind of forgiveness and throw it back in his face. Say, why should I forgive you? You're not penitent. There's no evidence of godly sorrow that works. Repentance.

45:56 When your heart's broken enough to make it evident to me that there's genuine sorrow, then we'll talk. Don't play games with me. You see, you can have the right words and miss the reality. You can have the wrong words but have the reality.

Apology for Non-Sinful Acts Causing Grief

46:10 All I'm pleading. All I'm pleading for is let's have reality clothed in the right words. Then thirdly, an apology may be an appropriate and sincere expression of sorrow for a non-sinful act or word that has caused inconvenience or grief to another. An apology saying, I'm sorry.

46:41 I feel bad concerning this thing that was done or said. May be an appropriate and sincere expression of sorrow for a non-sinful act or word that has caused inconvenience or grief to another. Let me illustrate again. My wife and I have been invited to your house for a meal.

47:06 And we know that ordinarily it would take 20 minutes from our driveway to yours. And we know that ordinarily it would take 20 minutes from our driveway to yours. We've made the trip before. And you've said the meal will be on the table at 6.30.

47:18 You want to come a little early so we can have a little fellowship, et cetera. Come any time from 6 o'clock onward. So we calibrate, okay, 20 minutes. Normally takes us to get there.

47:29 Let's allow 10 minutes. That's rush hour traffic. And we could make it, stretch it out a little. Now, my cell phone is up in my study where I charge it instead of in my car where I normally keep it.

47:42 Now, my cell phone is up in my study where I charge it instead of in my car where I normally keep it. Now, my cell phone is up in my study where I charge it instead of in my car where I normally keep it. So we get in the car. We're going to try to arrive there 6, 6-5, 6-10, have a little of that latitude before we sit down at the meal.

47:51 And lo and behold, halfway there. So we've left. Want to get there at 6-10. Normally takes us 20 minutes.

47:58 So we would leave there at 10 minutes still. We said we'll allow 15. So we leave at 5-30, okay? Halfway there, lo and behold, there's a massive five-car accident.

48:10 Helicopters are coming in to get people out. Traffic is completely stopped. Both directions. I got no cell phone.

48:24 There's no emergency telephone by the side of the road. What do we do? We wait it out. And lo and behold, come 6-30 and we haven't showed up, you call our house.

48:36 And you get my wife's sweet voice on the answering machine. This is Mrs. Martin. We're not able to answer.

48:42 I said, well, where are they? Quarter to 7, 7 o'clock. And here you are. Frustrated.

48:49 You've really prepared the most wonderful meal. But it was the kind of meat, if you leave it 15 minutes too long in the oven, forget it. Give it to the dog. It was the kind of dessert that if it isn't taken out at the right time, it loses its poof.

49:09 I mean everything, everything about it. And you're feeling the frustration. And finally we come through the door at 7-30. Now what should I do?

49:19 Well, surely I need to apologize. And say, so and so, I am so sorry. I am sure this has been a most trying, difficult, frustrating time. But let me tell you what happened.

49:37 And I really feel bad. Now have I sinned? Do I need to say, and will you forgive me for being sovereignly placed in a traffic jam? I mean, what have I done that needs forgiveness?

49:53 Nothing. But if I'm sensitive to my brother and my sister. Well, I don't know. I don't know.

49:57 I don't know. I don't know. My brother and sister, especially, who fixed the meal. Do I not need to let them know that I feel the frustration they have felt?

50:06 Yes. Or perhaps it could be a situation where we're sitting in a mixed group and there's light, healthy, wholesome banter and conversation. And in the midst of telling a given story, I speak about a certain uncle of mine with a certain name and a certain incident. And lo and behold.

50:26 No sooner is the group broken. group broken up when someone comes to me and says, Pastor, did you know that so-and-so in that group had an uncle with that name who just died? I say, oh my, I had no way to know that. Now, have I sinned against that person by opening up a fresh wound? No! But should I, upon knowing that, go and say, Henry, I am so sorry to have heard about your uncle who died such-and-such? Had I known that, I never would have said that story about my uncle, Henry. I want you to know I'm very grieved that I would have... I'm not confessing sin. I'm not asking forgiveness. What am I doing? I'm making an apology as an appropriate and sincere expression of sorrow for a non-sinful act or word that has caused inconvenience or grief to another. Okay?

Apology as a Carnal Substitute for Biblical Forgiveness

51:27 All right, now we come to the next question. All right, now we come to the next question. I said I'm going from best to worst. So we've seen the things that apologies can be, that we ought not to go around beating people on the head about if they make them. But now, fourthly, an apology may be... Now remember what an apology is. An apology is, let me give you the dictionary definition again, acknowledging and expressing regret for a fault or a wrong. An apology may be...

51:59 And often is an unbiblical and carnal substitute for the pride-withering, grace-exalting experience of biblically seeking and receiving forgiveness. An apology may be...

52:19 And often is an unbiblical and carnal substitute for the pride-withering, grace-exalting experience of biblically seeking and receiving forgiveness. Now, it is this that men like Dr. J. Adams are addressing when they write. Forgiveness, whereas the Bible calls for forgiveness, the world settles for apologizing. There is not so much as a single reference to apologizing in the Bible. Still quoting. It is totally unscript... It is a totally unscriptural concept. It is the world's substitute

53:09 for forgiving. End quote. Now, typical J. Adams, he's got right angles. I've showed you that there are some rounded angles with apologies. I hope you've seen that. And I hope you appreciate that I am trying to, again, have the love that believes all things, hopes all things, puts the best construction on what someone is saying or doing. And I hope you've seen that. And I hope you appreciate that I am trying to, again, have the love that believes all things, hopes all things, puts the best construction on what someone is saying or doing. However, it is indisputable that in many cases, an apology may be and often is an unbiblical and carnal substitute for the pride-withering, grace-exalting experience of biblically seeking and receiving forgiveness. From the time our first parents sinned and human nature was polluted, we all have a built-in deep sin. We all have a built-in deep sin. We all have

54:01 a deep-seated aversion to two things, facing and owning our sin and casting ourselves upon God's grace alone for the forgiveness of sin. The human heart has a deep-seated aversion to those two realities, owning sin and having owned it, casting ourselves solely upon the mercy and forgiveness of God for dealing with sin. We all have a built-in deep-seated aversion to those 26 Love, Kathy Smith. I know why these people have to fall into that trap of egocentrism magnetism or only hitting on sin from the start. The scrape of the hand of Jesus, however, pressures them out of sin. The snake scare moves onto them desperately, and it has walkers on them.

55:01 Peter from verse 7 says, sinners. And at the root of both of those horrible strands of depravity, unwillingness to own sin, unwillingness to cast ourselves upon the mercy and grace of God for the forgiveness of sin, it has a common root. And you know what that root is? P-R-I-B-E. That sin that made the devil the devil. I will ascend to the hill of the Most High. I will be like God. Pride. The sin that made the devil the devil lies as the common root of both our

55:48 unwillingness to own sin as sin and to go to the only place where sin can be righteously dealt with. Now then. What happens? Let's go back and take a couple of our case histories. Here's the man that used his tongue like a sword in a bludgeon with his wife. In his pride, he does not want to come and say, dear, this was the outflow of my own remaining corruption and sin. No, he wants to come and say, now dear, you've got to understand. Things were this at the office today.

56:34 And things were that. And things were the other. Anything other than saying, I have sinned. Because you see, our sin places us in moral indebtedness to another. Remember Jesus said, when you pray, pray after this manner. Our Father who art in the heavens, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debt.

57:05 As we forgive our debtors, my sin against God places me in moral indebtedness to God. My sin against you places me in debt to you. And I don't like to own my debt. I always want to think everybody owes me something. I don't want to go and say I robbed you of something that was your due. A husband, when he has spoken that way to his wife, has robbed her of her due. Her due as a Christian woman is that her husband will love her and nurture her and cherish her as Christ nurtures and cherishes his church. And his church ain't no prize. It's us. With all of our remaining sin. With all of our kinks and quirks and blots

58:08 and blemishes.

58:11 But you see, we want to do anything other than say, I sinned, stinking, rotten pride. And furthermore, we do not want to say, will you forgive me? Because we know that the moment the person says, I forgive, we are in the realm of grace. We don't deserve forgiveness. We'd rather be beat up on. We all have the Roman Catholic due penance mentality and disposition. We don't deserve forgiveness. You see, the moment we deal with offenses in a biblical way, we are brought into immediate contact with the law that condemns the act and with the gospel that is the only remedy to the act. And you see, it's when we live in constant

59:01 contact with the law and the gospel, we're living as consistent Christians. And what better place to have the law and the gospel continually percolating through our spiritual veins than in our affections. We're living in a constant contact with the law and the gospel. And that's why I use the terminology, the apology is often a substitute for the pride withering, grace exalting experience of seeking and conferring forgiveness. You see, the moment you come to me, you've offended me. And you come saying, look, I sinned, will you forgive me? You see what that immediately does with me? It puts me in a position where with my back to the wall in the realm of grace, and I have to say to myself, who am I? I am a forgiven sinner. Almighty God says, if I do not forgive every man from the heart,

59:58 neither will my father forgive me. How can I withhold forgiveness? I am a forgiven sinner. And every time someone asks me for forgiveness, it reminds me I'm a forgiven sinner. It reminds me of the dynamics of grace. Of the mercy and kindness of God. It presses me afresh into the mold of the gospel. And every time I own my offenses and where they are sin, I call them sin. It's a reminder that God's law is an inviolable, changeless, perfect standard of right and of wrong. And I have violated that law in my relationship to you. And therefore I come saying, I sinned. Will you forgive me? You see, when you come to someone and say, I apologize, I'm sorry

60:57 for what I did, will you accept my apology? Is that different from coming and saying, look, I sinned, will you forgive me? Think for a minute now. Think, think, think, think.

61:10 When I come and say, I'm sorry, I'm telling you how I feel. When I say, will you accept my apology, I'm asking if you will do something that is fundamentally wrong. I'm asking you to be passive. Will you accept? Will you receive? So I'm telling you how I feel, and I'm asking you if you will receive something. Now when I come and say, I sinned, I'm not telling you primarily how I feel, I'm telling you what I've done. And when I say, will you forgive me, I'm asking you to do something. I've done something wrong, will you do something right with reference to me? Will you forgive me? I have now knocked the ball of my soul into your court, and I put it at your feet and said, now will you knock it back over the net with the pledge and the volitional commitment to forgive me? The onus is now on you. It's on you. And if you say, no, I won't forgive, now you're in big bad trouble. Now I have

62:11 an offense against you, and I have every right to go and take one or two brethren and come to you and say, now look, John, did I not confess my sin against you? Yes, you did. Did I ask you? Did I ask you for forgiveness? Yes, you did, but I'm not going to forgive you. And my two brothers say, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute, John. Wait a minute. You see what the Scripture says? And they open up the Scriptures and press on this man, if you will not forgive, your heavenly Father won't forgive. You are to forgive even as God in Christ forgave you. They take him to the parable of the unjust servant, which we will, God willing, expound in a subsequent message, Matthew 18. You say you're forgiven, and now you've got your brother by the throat, and all he owes you is a few pennies, and God's forgiven you your millions? How can you claim to be a child of God? They call him to repentance. He says,

63:00 no, I'm not going to forgive him. The issue's brought to the church. The man can be excommunicated. Why? Because he's not acting like a Christian. Because the Christian community is a community of forgiven sinners who have become forgiving sinners. And you see how it would blow away all the smoke and the indefiniteness. You come to someone and say, I'm sorry, I feel bad for what I did. Will you accept my apology? Oh, yeah, everything's all right. That's not been a resolution of the issues, brethren. But when you come and say, I sinned, this is my sin, I'm grieved, God has forgiven me, will you forgive me? And the person says, as the Scripture tells us to do, I freely forgive you for Christ's sake. Now the breach has been dealt with. You've gained your brother.

Call to Biblical Forgiveness in Families

64:02 And once again, there is face-to-face communion. Now this is Father's Day. You've got to watch the clock. Father's Day. I'm exhorting you Christian fathers to go home today and where you have practiced and allowed varying degrees of apology to substitute for reasonable biblical confession, seeking and conferring of forgiveness to sweetly, lovingly acknowledge to your family. Say, look, I was just ignorant. God's enlightened me. But I'm determined as the head of this home that this is going to be a home where offenses between the members of this household are going to be resolved biblically. No more, I'm sorry, I sinned.

64:56 No more, will you accept my apology? No more, I'm sorry, I sinned. No more, will you accept my apology? No more, I'm sorry, I sinned. No more, will you accept my apology? No more, will you accept my apology? Will you forgive me? Some of you need to sit down with your wives and say, this is why issues don't really get resolved. And we think an issue is resolved and a week later, you see, you always, the minute a partner says to his husband, you always, you haven't forgiven. You're bringing the issue up. You haven't forgiven. You always, the minute you hear those words, all your lights ought to go off. You always, as we'll see in a minute, you always, as we'll see in a minute, you always, as we'll see in a minute, you always, as we'll see when we come to the Matthew 18 passage. This is why Jesus said, forgive 70 times 7. Why? If you've truly forgiven, it's the first time. You don't keep the numbers. If I've forgiven, and it's dealt with, and you come, this is the first time again. And it's dealt with, it's the first time again. First time, first time, always the first time. So you don't keep numbers. You don't keep the scorecard. And some of

65:55 you husbands and wives, you have not resolved this issue. I was able to say to one of my of our members the other day, God willing, this June 30th, my wife and I will be, have been married 47 years. I can only remember one night, one night when we had gone to rest without an issue being resolved. One night in 47 years. Am I some super saint? No. I just know I wouldn't want to die in the middle of the night with an unresolved grievance with my wife. What about you husbands?

66:44 Some of you need to rear back on your hind legs and say enough of this dawdling about some of the most elementary biblical issues. And take hold today by the grace of God. Want to make my heart glad? Come to me a week from now and say, Pastor, I had it out with my wife. Best having it out time I ever had. Told her, no more of this dawdling, flesh bearing, mumbling that I'm sorry. I'm determined to own my wife. I'm determined to own my wife. I've made a choice, and it's been made up for me. I will keep always by my name. I'll be back on the road. I'll never abandon my wife. I will be made over by my finances. So, Father, I ask you to may I also pray for your forgiveness. And some of you who have eyes of the great God's , half tongue cheek . Salking, grudge keeping creatures you are, God help you to see this stuff rooted out of your heart. The sweetness of gospel grace in a husband-wife relationship, parent-child, sibling to sibling. May God grant that we shall see it in abundance. May you be blessed,

67:45 my brothers and sisters.

Concluding Prayer

67:48 in the days to come. Let's pray.

67:57 Our Father, we're so thankful that You've not left us in the dark and how to deal with these most practical issues. We're grieved. We're grieved that we still sin so much and long for the time when we will be perfected into the likeness of Jesus. But until that time, Lord, help us to deal with our offenses and sins biblically.

68:22 We pray that You deliver us from Phariseeism. We pray that You would help us to have spiritual wisdom and discernment in our dealings with one another. Apply Your Word in areas where we have not. May each one of us have heart dealings with You.

68:43 Seal Your Word to our hearts. For the praise of Your name and for the good of our souls, we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.