Christian and Common Courtesy

Introduction: The Scope of Christian Teaching and the Place of Courtesy

0:02 This adult Sunday school class was held on December 29th, 1985 at the Trinity Baptist Church in Montville, New Jersey. Now usually at holiday seasons we have more than an ordinary number of visitors and just looking out while we've been waiting for others to be seated, I see that this is held true to form and for the sake particularly of you, our visitors, whom we do cordially welcome in Christ's name, I do want to give a word of explanation concerning the general format and substance of this class. It's a time for careful, in-depth study of the scriptures. Pastor Nichols for some months has been leading us in a study of our confession of faith, which has been really a layman's course in systematic, theology based upon the word of God as understood by the historic Christian and Reformed Church. And Pastor Bob Martin has been giving us a brief interlude studying the whole subject of is there such a thing as a carnal Christian. And the method of that study is generally one of straightforward lecture as competent, proven, recognized guides in the scripture pass on to us the fruit of their labors. In a systematic and orderly fashion.

1:28 However, today with Pastor Bob Martin away and Pastor Nichols on the tail end of a much needed break or half break, half vacation, I've been asked to take the class and both the subject and the method by which the subject matter is handled will be different. Our subject this morning, and please don't think I've gone completely off my tree when you hear it, is the Christian and common courtesy. The Christian and common courtesy, and the method by which we will approach the subject will not be that of a lecture, but a guided discussion. Now in taking up this rather strange subject, let me make clear again, particularly to our visitors, what is abundantly evident in our regular teaching here in this church, namely that the heart of our concern in this place is to bring men and women and boys and girls to understand, to believe, and to experience the power of the central truths of the Christian faith. We are committed to that with what I trust is a sanctified passion. That in this place, men and women, boys and girls, will be given an understanding and urge to believe and to experience the power of the central truths of the Christian faith. The great truths of God as creator and judge.

2:55 The judge of the world, man's fall in Adam, his need of the grace and redemption revealed in Jesus Christ, the necessity of repentance and faith leading to a holy life if we would eventually attain heaven at the end of our course. Now those truths are central to the life and ministry and teaching of this church. However, while it is always our concern to address the heart of the Christian faith, the heart of the Christian faith is not the exhaustive compass of the Christian faith. And when Jesus gave the great commission, he said in Matthew 28, 19, that his followers were to teach all things whatsoever he had commanded. And when we read such epistles as 1 Timothy and Titus, and we find this in other epistles, but particularly in those epistles, we find detailed ethical instruction, and Timothy has commanded these things, command and command. So that while the central concerns of the gospel must always be central in our understanding and in our experience, they do not comprise the exhaustive compass of the teaching of God's word. So, what we are doing today is going to one of the outer circles within the compass of the truth of God's word in scripture

4:19 as we take up the subject of the Christian and common courtesy. But lest anybody...

4:25 A visitor go out of here saying, what kind of church is that? I came as a visitor and I got a lecture and a discussion on good manners. Well, I want you to know that we don't carry on such a discussion week by week, but we do not regard the subject as detached from the central truths of the gospel. But in reality, an expression of the outworking of those truths, particularly in terms of a text such as 1 John 2, 6, he that says he abides in him ought himself so to walk even as he, that is, Christ, walked.

Defining Courtesy and Affirming its Christian Necessity

4:57 All right, with that little introduction and polemic behind us for what we're doing, we take up the subject, the Christian and common courtesy. Now, let me begin our guided discussion by giving you the dictionary definition of courtesy and courteous, and then I'll start asking you some questions, all right? Courtesy, the dictionary definition, the Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, a polite, helpful, or considerate act, or remark.

5:27 To show courtesy is to engage in a polite, helpful, or considerate act or remark. To be courteous is defined this way, polite and gracious, considerate towards others, well-mannered. All right? So there's the dictionary definition of courtesy and courteous.

5:51 Now, question number one, and from here on in you're going to do some of the work. Show courtesy. Should a Christian be concerned about cultivating and manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy? Now, think about the question for a moment.

6:08 Should a Christian be concerned about cultivating and manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy?

6:20 All of you that would answer the question yes, please raise your hand.

6:26 All that would say no.

6:28 All that would like to be neutral. All that would like to be neutral on the question. Okay. Someone would like to be neutral.

6:33 All right. Many of you answered yes. Okay. Now, my second question is, if yes, why?

6:40 Why should a Christian be concerned about cultivating and manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy? Courtesy in terms of the definition. Being polite, helpful, considerate in act and in word. Being polite and gracious, considerate towards others, well-mannered.

7:02 Now, prove to me from the scriptures that a Christian ought to be concerned about this matter of common courtesy. About being courteous in his demeanor and in his bearing.

Biblical Foundations for Christian Courtesy: The Golden Rule

7:22 All right? Gary?

7:26 Where do you learn that?

7:30 Isn't that like people say, you know, the Bible says God helps those that help themselves? Is what you just quoted out of the Bible? Yes. Where?

7:40 I'll give you a hint. No. Matthew 7 and verse 12. All right?

7:45 What is commonly called, as Gary has suggested, the golden rule. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says in Matthew 7, 12, All things, therefore, whatsoever you would that men should do unto you, even so do you also unto them. For this, this standard, is the law and the prophets. In other words, all of the ethical demands at the horizontal level embodied in the law and the prophets finds its distillation in this pithy little golden rule.

8:22 As you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. Now, the assumption is that the do unto you is the normal, non-perverted expectation of others' treatment of me. Someone who's a pervert may want someone to beat him with whips to get a sexual high. Now, therefore, you go beat others with whips.

8:43 No, no. This is talking about man who is not abandoned to perverted expectations of how people treat him. That's the assumption, the undergirding assumption. And to push it into another realm is to pervert the intent of our Lord in the statement.

9:00 Now, is there anyone here who does not like to be treated in a courteous, polite, helpful, considerate way, both with respect to people's actions and words, to you? Anyone here? Anyone here who delights to be treated in a way that would speak of insensitivity to ordinary social expectations? Do you delight to have people burp out loud at your table and not say excuse me?

9:31 Pick their nose at your table and cause you to want to barf your meal?

9:37 Well, I'm being very blunt, but I'm asking you. Do you? Do you? Do you like people to treat?

9:41 Do you like people to treat you that way, to let such actions impinge on your eyeballs and have a response in your emotions? As you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them, for this is the law and the prophets. So, Gary would root his affirmative answer to the question in the golden rule, all right? Someone else.

Biblical Foundations for Christian Courtesy: Fruit of the Spirit and Love

10:01 All right, John? And may I say that we will limit the contributions to the members of our assembly. We have found in the past that sometimes when we've extended it, we're not thinking from a common base and the air has gotten rather tense. So, I should have explained that.

10:17 We welcome contributions from our members only because we don't want to have a climate created that is tense and would in any way grieve the spirit. All right? Yes, John?

10:43 All right. That the whole matter of courtesy is consistent with what you're saying, John, is the overall drift of the character or character traits or qualities that are described as the fruit of the spirit, in Galatians 5, excuse me, and verse 22 and 3. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, self-control. Particularly love, kindness, and goodness would come within the compass of the definition with which we are working, being polite, helpful, considerate in deed and word, polite and gracious, considerate towards others, well-mannered.

11:28 So, John is saying he would answer in the affirmative because of the specific as well as the general tenor of the description of the fruit of the spirit and then because of the explicit statement of Galatians 6.10. As we have opportunity, let us work that which is good toward all men. Is it good to be polite, helpful, considerate in act and remark, or is that evil?

11:52 I think anyone who's thinking, is it all? Guided by Scripture would say, in most circumstances, that is indeed morally good and desirable. And this text says we should be concerned about working good toward all men indiscriminately and particularly, though not exclusively, to the household of faith. All right, someone else who answered the affirmative. Why? All right, Mr. Bischoff?

12:17 All right, anything in particular in that passage, Mr. Bischoff? All right. Which verse was that?

12:36 Mr. Bischoff? All right. Verse 4.

12:42 Love suffers long and is kind. One of the expressions of biblical love is kindness. And certainly within that broad concept of kindness, politeness, helpfulness, consideration in deed and word. And then verse 5.

13:01 Does not behave itself unseemly. Does not behave itself. Some of the...

13:08 Translations render that word rudely. The word literally means disgracefully or dishonorably.

13:18 As you see the usage of that word in this passage. So, Mr. Bischoff is saying that this matter of courtesy and being courteous comes within the compass of the description of how love functions in human relationships. For that's assumed in these verses.

13:38 It's talking about love. As it manifests itself in human relationships. It is not self-centered. It does not seek its own.

13:47 It doesn't behave itself in a disgraceful, dishonorable way. It's obvious, you see, that that's speaking of behavior that can be observed and registers in the consciousness of others in our contact and interaction with them. All right? Chet, did you have something else?

Biblical Foundations for Christian Courtesy: Kindness, Honor, and Christ-likeness

14:05 Same passage. All right? All right, Alan? All right.

14:09 All right. All right. All right. All right.

14:09 All right. All right. All right. All right.

14:10 All right. When we look up the word kindness in the dictionary, one of the elements enveloped in that is the element of being considerate. And then it turns to a passage in Proverbs 3. It says, do not let kindness and should leave you bind them around your neck.

14:29 Write them on the tablet of your heart. And what's so interesting in this is the verse after that. And that not only is a teaching to God, but it gains good repute in the sight of men. Excellent.

14:41 All right? That's...

14:42 All right. That's Proverbs 3, 3 and 4. Let not kindness and truth forsake you. Bind them about your neck.

14:53 Write them upon the tablet of your heart. So shall you find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and man. All right? So, another line of biblical evidence that supports your affirmative response to the question, should a Christian be concerned about cultivating...

15:11 And manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy, or common courtesy. All right? Jonathan? Excuse me.

15:19 In Romans chapter 12, verses 1 through 21, verses 1 and 10, let love be without hypocrisy. Now, poor that which is equal, and weak that which is good. In love of the brethren, be tenderly affectionate one to another, and honor preferring one another. All right?

15:41 And then in verse 13, the latter part of the verse is given to hospitality. And then in verses 16 and 17, said not to bite on my things, but to condescend to things that are lovely. And then verse 17, render to no man evil for evil. Take thought for things honorable in the sight of all men.

16:02 And then verse 21, be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good. All right. So, in this paragraph, there are many imperatives laid upon the consciences of the people of God that would certainly, to a greater or lesser degree, be a great sin. To a greater or lesser degree, bring within their scope the matter of manners and courtesy and being courteous in our dealings one with another.

16:27 All right? Anyone else a fundamental passage or perspective? Jonathan? Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are good in sport, if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things.

16:47 Yes. Or take account of these things. And certainly, Paul does not mean simply go around with those things in your head, but let them be the concern of your entire life as a child of God. He goes on to say, the things you both learned and received and heard and saw in me, these things do.

17:05 So, Paul exemplified a man who was taking account of the things that come within the description of verse 8. And certainly, the matter of being courteous and manneristic. Manifesting courtesy is something that is lovely and of good report. Well, I'm sure we could flush out many other things.

17:27 Let me just try to rearrange some of these things. You've mentioned most, plus some others that I did not have in the list. But as I tried to think through the matter in the limited time that was available to me, I came up with four very fundamental biblical reasons why a Christian should be concerned about cultivating and manifesting not a minimal measure of courtesy, but a maximum measure of courtesy. Number one, it is an expression of a Christ-like mind.

18:01 Philippians 2, 3, and 4. It is an expression of a Christ-like mind. Nothing is to be done through faction or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind, each counting other better than himself. Not looking each of you to his own things.

18:18 Not looking each of you to his own things, but each of you also to the things of others. When a woman goes to put on her coat down in the foyer and a man is standing there and he sees her and he reaches out and helps her put on that coat, he is manifesting a Christ-like mind. He is not looking upon his own things. He may have to slip his own coat back on the coat rack, but he does the courteous thing and assists that woman with her coat.

18:47 Now, is that just an empty social... No, in the context of one who is seeking to cultivate a Christ-like mind, what that man is saying at that moment is, my sister, you getting your coat on is more important at this point than me getting my coat on.

19:05 He is not looking to his own things, but to the things of another. And it's very interesting that it's precisely in that setting in John 13 that Jesus says, I have given you an example that you should do. As I've done to you. And what was he doing?

19:21 He was looking upon the things of another with respect to a social custom. It was a social custom in those eastern lands in the day of our Lord that when you came into a home, a servant or someone who would temporarily assume the role of a servant would bind himself with a towel, would take a basin, and then would come and kneel at your feet and wash your feet. Jesus took the place of a servant. He took the place of a servant in the context of a common courtesy in that culture.

19:54 Now, he says, I have left you an example to do as I've done to you. Now, surely it means more than common courtesies, but we cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, say it excludes common courtesies. If it takes in the greater, it takes in the lesser. And so, I say that concern about cultivating and manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy, is number one, an expression of a Christ-like mind.

Biblical Foundations for Christian Courtesy: Love, Testimony, and the Golden Rule

20:23 Number two, and you've all contributed on this, it's a manifestation of love. And these are the texts I had, 1 Corinthians 13, 5, Romans 13, 9, and 10, and we could add to that the Romans 12 passage. It's a manifestation of love. Love does not seek its own.

20:42 Love does not behave disgracefully or dishonorably. Now, that means a sensitivity to everything. Every culture in which we go. I understand that there are certain cultures in which a loud burp at a table is not a dishonorable or disgraceful thing.

20:58 It is a compliment to your host and hostess. Now, I do know by experience that when I went to Pakistan, one of the first things I did was to ask all kinds of questions about the common courtesies in the Pakistani culture. And I soon learned that in that culture, a man does not touch a female, unless it's a very small girl. A girl, whom he may pick up in his arms, even girls that are this tall, you don't shake their hand, you don't hug them, you want to show an affectionate greeting, you just touch them on the forehead.

21:29 Now, everything in me, so used to seeing little kids, boys and girls, and grabbing and hugging, that could have been construed as a disgraceful and dishonorable aspect of my behavior. And all of the purity of my motives would not have negated how it registered in the minds of the average Pakistani. So, I had to learn to resist all of my instincts. And when I saw little girls, just stretch my hand out and touch their forehead.

21:53 It also meant that if you give a man a common greeting, you don't even shake a woman's hand. An older woman, you just do like this. So, I found myself, when I was introduced to older women, not sticking my hand out. That would be considered disgraceful and dishonorable in that context.

22:09 It would be considered like propositioning a woman.

22:13 So, I had to learn that and react accordingly. Furthermore, I learned that if you want to assure a man that you really have, no sense of superiority over him, you will greet him in the ordinary Pakistani way, which means three embraces. One over this shoulder, one over that, one over that, and then you end up with a handshake. It's not surprising that the next year I had to have back surgery.

22:41 So, we fully recognize, you see, that there is no flat rule of what is considered helpful and gracious and considerate. But love is prepared to adapt itself to the demands of what fits that description. So, it is a manifestation of love. And then, thirdly, it is a part of a persuasive testimony to outsiders.

23:10 Now, this was, in part, touched upon by Johnny's text, Galatians 6.10. But in Romans 13.13 and 1 Thessalonians 4.12, we are admonished to walk becomingly towards those that are without. And I was meditating upon this. I thought of Daniel. It says they could find no fault in him except in the things, what?

23:33 Pertaining to his God. Now, if Daniel had bad manners and was discourteous, don't you think they would have picked on that thing and rubbed it under his nose and the nose of others? They could find no fault in him. He was utterly blameless except in the things pertaining to his God.

23:49 And we are commanded to walk becomingly to those that are without. And you see? When courteous behavior is rooted in gospel motives, it becomes attractive even to the unconverted. It says that Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.

24:12 As they saw the graces, among other things, the graces of true courteousness in him, he grew in favor. And then the fourth biblical foundation for this. Concern. It is a necessary application of the golden rule.

24:30 And where is that found, Gare? And verse? Twelve. Ah, good.

24:36 All right. He won't forget that reference. It's a necessary application of the golden rule. The absence of courtesy can cause grief, embarrassment, and tension.

24:47 Do you like to be grieved, embarrassed, and put in an unnecessarily tense situation? Then, as you would that others do unto you. Even so, do ye also unto them. All right.

Areas for Christians to Excel in Courtesy: Gratitude, Driving, and Affirmation

24:59 Having established, I trust, without an extensive flushing of the thing out, you've been able, as it were, to just skim off the top of the barrel abundant biblical evidence that your affirmative answer is indeed rooted in a sensitivity to biblical norms. That was question number one. Should a Christian be concerned? Most of you said yes.

25:19 Question two. If so, why? And you've given the answer. Question number three.

25:23 Question number three. Question number three. What are some of the obvious areas where Christians ought to excel in courtesy? What are some of the obvious areas or categories of interpersonal relationships where Christians ought to excel in courtesy?

25:40 All right. Linda? I have learned these terms by conversation, studying the example of Roman faith, and I speak a lot about faith-hungry. Okay.

25:53 In the whole area of expressing gratitude for anything. The first thing is a way to express gratitude for your actions and for what you have done. And then the second one is to show gratitude for your actions. You know, somebody says, well, there's a thousand ways to express gratitude, and there's a thousand ways to express gratitude for your actions.

26:20 Well, there are a thousand ways. And this is also about giving gratitude for your actions. But we know you will help us when we give gratitude. That's why you're doing this.

26:24 That's where we're going to be. Therefore, we went, I think we were going to do it. But I have got a letter. and they're only echoing in the chambers of your heart, but we can hear them when you speak them through the earpiece of a telephone, and you give a call to just express thanks.

26:37 All right, so the area of thankfulness. Another area. All right, Louise?

26:44 Are you not sure of that, or is that half a confession?

26:50 All right, in driving our cars. Now, specifically, that means if anyone is going to stop and let the man out who's stuck in a little side street in a line of traffic and desperately wanting to get out, as you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. What do ye more than others, Jesus said. I mean, I have literally found myself praying sometimes in that situation with the way Route 23 has been glutted since Willowbrook opened and we have to make an entrance and exit off that to get to our home.

27:25 I found myself praying, Lord, please put a little common grace in somebody or bring along even a Christian who's got some, some grace active in this area to let me out of here. You just wait and wait and wait in the whole area of courtesy. You're the salt of the earth and we need to be sprinkled across the highways in our driving attitudes and patterns, being courteous and considerate. All right, some other areas.

27:49 Yes, Belton? In exalting our brothers and sisters and love ourselves.

27:55 All right, in finding it a delight to speak of the virtues and gifts of our brothers and sisters.

28:04 Not, not, finding ourselves getting it stuck in our throat to pay someone a legitimate compliment or to speak of them in not a flattering way, but in a genuinely Christian and honest manner of our appreciation of a certain person and especially when we have to speak of an area of their strength that may excel us in that area and shows us up. All right, another area in which we can express courtesy. All right, Julie?

Areas for Christians to Excel in Courtesy: Common Verbal Expressions and Public Interactions

28:36 Yeah. Please and thank you. Just the common verbal expressions. Now, is that just with outsiders?

28:45 How about husbands and wives? Is it ever right, after so many years of marriage, to assume that it no longer needs the grace of courtesy? Honey, get my shirt!

28:59 Is that warranted?

29:04 Dear, will you please take out the garbage? You see, you can say please in such a way that you negate. All the significance. Please must drip honey, not vinegar.

29:15 You see?

29:17 All right, so just those common courtesies. Please. Dear, would you please pass the salt? Dear, would you?

29:23 Yes, please, please. Thank you, thank you. All right, some other areas, quickly. Yes, all right, Phil?

29:30 In other words, something like being courteous and friendly in an area where you would normally not have any reason to be courteous or friendly in the world, let's say, all right, in the situation where we would naturally be tempted to return courteness for courteness, I find a challenge. Every time I drive up to a toll booth and if I have to get change, I say, or if I need a receipt, may I please have a receipt, sir? I say it is sweet. I mean, honey is dripping all off it.

30:03 And most of the time, you don't even get a grunt. But I keep going. And once in a while, you get a nice response and it's worth all the investment of, you know, because you don't know how many people have just driven up to him and not even treated him like he was just a bucket, one of the machines. Maybe his negative attitude is the cumulative effect of people treating him as though he were not a human being because he has a very mundane task of collecting tolls.

30:29 So very good point, Phil. All right, Florence?

Areas for Christians to Excel in Courtesy: Work Ethic and Social Customs

30:38 All right, in the whole matter of our work ethics, that we show that we have a respect to someone else's expectations of us. All right? Because our time is going quickly, I want to articulate several areas that are of particular concern to me and we've discussed these matters as elders, so at this point, I'm not just speaking for myself. All right?

30:59 And you may want to flush out some of these and add some others. But I think it's evident that if we begin to think along this line, the spectrum it covers is very broad. But in answer to the question, what are some of the most obvious areas where Christians ought to excel in courtesy, many that you've mentioned come under this heading. Social customs, which in any cultural context, social customs, which in any cultural context, are the symbolism of preferring others above ourselves.

31:38 All right? Those of you taking notes, have you got that? Social customs, which in any cultural context, are the symbolism of preferring others above ourselves. I mentioned earlier in the context of our culture, a man, a woman, helping a woman on with a coat, holding a door open for another, opening the car door for another, taking the elbow of a woman as she crosses the street, pulling out a chair at a table.

32:04 In the context in which we live, those are the symbols of a man preferring and honoring a woman, not demeaning her, but preferring her. It is saying to the woman, it is more important that you be comfortably and safely successful seated than that I be seated. And those are the symbols of preferring one another. Appropriate dress and attire.

32:34 Telephone etiquette. Some of you are doing an excellent job with your children in this area. Whenever they manifest it, I always compliment them. If they say, hello, this is Johnny Smith speaking.

32:45 May I help you? Or who is speaking, please? But others of your children are not being taught this. I'll call and they say, hello.

32:51 And it just screams discourteousness. It's an adult voice on the other end. Now, I'm not saying your children are discourteous. It may simply be that you've not seen the importance of cultivating these graces, simple things.

33:06 I had in my notes such as please and thank you. The whole matter of the acceptable table manners in any given culture. What is an acceptable medium or focal point of verbal exchange? Pastor Clark, as we were discussing this last night, said, he understands and has heard that in China, it is socially acceptable in that cultural context, in fact, expected that one of the first questions you ask when you meet a stranger is how old are you?

33:35 And knowing that, the person will know how he's to relate to you with their respect for the agent. If someone, I guess, is just three years older than the one who's three years younger, whether it's 53 and 56 or 23 and 20, immediately knows what his demeanor and bearing is to be. And in some cultures, even certain linguistic forms are appropriate to the inferior and some to the superior. So, it doesn't mean that you import all of the details in our cultural context into another.

34:06 In our very country, certain things are appropriate in a southern, rural context as expressions of courtesy that would be considered socially boorish in a Yankee urban context. But what I'm affirming is that as a Christian, the social customs which, in any cultural context, are the symbolism of preferring others above ourselves, we should make an effort to be aware of them, to master them, and to practice them until they become second nature to us. Now, to root it in what I think is the most convincing biblical example, turn to Luke chapter 7. Is it Christ-like to expect these things?

Christ's Example: Expecting and Grieving the Absence of Courtesy

34:51 To feel disappointed and insulted if we are denied these things? My answer to that is an unequivocal yes. It is Christ-like according to Luke chapter 7, verse 36. And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him, speaking of our Lord.

35:10 And he entered into the Pharisee's house and sat down to meet or reclined at table. As you know, they did not eat in a sitting position. They reclined on an elbow and there was a large table and they would reach out and take the food from what would be sort of like a package or a couch seating configuration. And behold, a woman was in the city, a sinner, that is, a notorious sinner.

35:32 And when she knew that he was sitting at meat in the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster cruise of ointment and standing behind at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now the Pharisee that had bidden him saw it and spoke within himself saying, this man, if he were a prophet, would have perceived who and what manner of woman this is that touched him, that she is a sinner. And Jesus answered and said unto Simon, said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say to you. And he said, Teacher, say on.

36:05 Then he gives a parable to underscore the principle that the man who is conscious of being forgiven much will love much. But now here's the point that I want to make from the passage. Verse 44. And turning to the woman, he said unto Simon, do you see this woman?

36:20 I entered your house. You gave me no water for my feet. You did not confer upon me the common accepted social custom of greeting a friend. You gave me no water for my feet, but she has wetted my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.

36:38 Verse 45. You gave me no kiss, the common greeting that showed cordiality and acceptance. He said, you denied me that and I was conscious that you denied me that. You gave me no kiss, but she, since the time I came in, hath not ceased to kiss my feet.

36:55 Verse 46. My head with oil you did not anoint, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. And then he goes on to show that this was an expression of her love to Christ. Now, isn't it interesting that her love found expression in conferring those tokens, those symbols of common courtesy.

37:18 And they were denied our Lord by this Pharisee and Jesus uses that as the very occasion to show that he had no love to Christ.

37:27 Now, if Jesus took note of the absence of common courtesy, is it unchristlike for us to take note of it? Is it unchristlike for me to feel insulted if one of you walks by me and refuses to greet me with an open face and an open hand, which is the common greeting that we give even to unconverted men? Is that wrong for me to feel grieved? Is it wrong for you to feel grieved if you should stand there after this class and I walk right by you and just as I come to you with no good reason, except I'm utterly indifferent to your presence, I do not greet you and at least smile and nod my head and acknowledge?

38:06 Is it wrong for you to feel grieved that you do not have extended to you a common greeting? No, it's right for you to feel grieved. To take notice of that and to feel grieved. Now, it is not right for you to fight evil with evil.

38:19 He won't say hello to me, I won't say hello to him. No, you must overcome evil with good. And you must then continue to say hello to me and smile at me even though I don't smile at you. Now, I don't think there's anyone that can ever say that I ever did that.

38:33 If so, and you feel I have, please come to me because I've not consciously done so.

38:39 You see the point? And so this whole matter of being sensitive to the social customs which in any cultural context are the symbolism of preferring others above ourselves, it is indeed a matter of being Christ-like to be aware of them and like our Lord to engage in them. John 13, it is not sinful to feel grieved when they are denied us either through willful ignorance of what is expected or indifference to fulfilling those expectations. I want to read just a couple of paragraphs out of Betty Elliot's excellent book called The Mark of a Man.

Courtesy as Sacrificial Symbolism and a Habit of Love

39:19 I think it's part of God's judgment on our own mixed-up society that God had to use a woman, and I don't say that demeaning a woman because I wouldn't be quoting her if I were demeaning her. That God's had to use her to use a woman to state in the best way I've seen in modern literature of anything I've read what a real man is.

39:40 And she writes saying courtesy is sacrificial symbolism. I say that courtesy is sacrificial symbolism because each act is a small sign that you're willing to give your life for another. When you pass the salt to your wife, you're saying you first. When you help her on with her coat, you're not saying you're too weak to do it yourself, you're saying you're willing to take trouble for her.

40:05 Good morning, dear. How are you this morning? Is a convention, of course. Conventions have only become conventions because they've worked and have meant something for a long time.

40:13 End of parenthesis. But if you think about it, you could, by that conventional greeting, be meaning my feelings are not my primary interest this morning. Yours are. Sir Walter Raleigh's putting down his cloak in a puddle for the sake of his queen was an inconvenience to say the least.

40:29 But love is willing to be inconvenienced. It's a mistake. It's a mistake to dismiss customs by saying it's only cultural. Yes, it is cultural.

40:37 But it's within the context of our culture that we communicate selfishness or unselfishness.

40:44 And then she quotes the passage from Luke chapter 7. Then she shows that when the two angels came to Sodom, Lot observed the courtesies of his time. He rose from his seat, bowed with his face to the earth, invited them to spend the night at his house and washed their feet. When they accepted the invitation, he baked bread and made a feast.

41:02 He felt himself responsible for their safety when the men of the city would have attacked them. Do nothing to these men for they have come under the shelter of my roof. Peter exhorted Christians to honor all men, honor the emperor. Paul said, Outdo one another in showing honor.

41:18 The great love chapter says love has good manners. Now that's not what it says. That's a paraphrase that is a poor translation. Now he goes on to say, Courtesy has to become a habit, a characteristic condition of mind or body, disposition, a thing done often and hence done easily, a tendency to perform in a certain way.

41:44 It's an excellent chapter on the subject of courtesy. So that is the first broad area. In answer to the question, what are some of the most obvious areas where Christians ought to excel in courtesy? I answer, as you have answered, in social customs, which in any cultural context are the same symbolism of preferring others above ourselves.

Areas for Christians to Excel in Courtesy: Respecting Rights of Privacy

42:06 Now, the second area,

42:09 and here, I want to speak very frankly and I trust lovingly,

42:14 cultivating verbal interactions which fully recognize and respect the rights of privacy. Cultivating verbal interactions which fully recognize and respect the rights of privacy. You see, the fact that you are my brother or my sister in Christ does not give me unlimited access to all the details of your life. The fact that I am one of your pastors does not give me that right.

42:49 And there are times when some of God's people in this place have mistaken unqualified acceptance of one another in Christ as a blank check to unlimited right of access to all the details about one another. For example, years ago, and I'm thankful the woman is no longer in the church, so if she was sitting here, you couldn't find who she was by looking for the reddest face. But we had a group of women over at the parsonage. And as a good pastor is supposed to do, I left the women alone and was up in my study.

43:23 But just as I happened to come down the door, because even preachers in study occasionally have to take care of normal biological needs, and as some of you know, the upstairs bathroom is down at the half flight of stairs from my, and as I opened the study door and came down the stairs, I couldn't believe my ears. Here this woman was asking one of the women of our church who I had had to counsel who was struggling with the problems of childlessness. And I heard her say, bluntly, are you pregnant yet? And I knew it was going like a knife to that poor girl's heart.

44:00 She longed to be a mother. And every month rolled around and her weeping wound was the symbol of her disappointment. It was like a knife to her heart. And here this sister came along and just rammed a sword at me.

44:14 Are you pregnant yet? Everything in me wanted to go down and take that other woman by the shoulders and say, who in the name of common sense do you think you are?

44:24 That's a private affair.

44:27 You have no right to ask your closest friend that question. Your closest friend may seal the intimacy of that friendship by saying, I'm telling you a secret that I haven't told anyone else. Yet, they have the right to say our friendship is such that I feel safe disclosing this to you. But that doesn't mean you have the right to pry it out of them.

44:53 It is never right for you to ask a woman, are you pregnant? Are you trying to have a baby? And yet those questions are asked of people around here. It is never right when someone shows up in a new coat, oh, where'd you get that?

45:09 How could you afford that? Those kind of questions have been asked around here. Oh, you're buying a house? How can you afford to buy a house?

45:16 That's none of your business. That is none of your business. None of your business whatsoever. Oh, your husband's going on a business trip?

45:25 Well, now that your kids are all grown, why aren't you going with him? That's none of your business. Oh, your husband's going on a vacation by himself and you're not going with him? How come?

45:33 That's none of your business. That is none of your business. That is rude, intrusive, and discourteous.

45:43 There may be a very, very sensitive combination of factors that result in any one of those circumstances that I've described and just your mentioning them puts a person in a place of awkwardness and embarrassment and possibly hurt and resentment and you can cause your brothers and sisters to sin and to stumble into sins of resentment by failing to recognize this principle. No matter how intimate may be the friendship, it is no warrant to utter unlimited access to information. Now, I've wrestled with this matter and said, Lord, what is it that has produced this phenomenon in our day? Because I don't recall it being a problem 20 years ago.

46:28 And it may be, I'm only suggesting, it may be that because many people watch regularly the network news, you've picked up the unassumed perspective of the news media. You've picked up the unnamed perspective of the news media. They feel they have unlimited access in right to everything that goes on. And their brashness disgusts me and angers me.

46:53 People are torn to pieces after a tragedy and they're there with their cameras zooming in on their tears and their broken heart and asking them stupid questions.

47:04 It could be that we've allowed ourselves to absorb. I don't know. I say I'm not laying out a thesis. I'm just saying, could it be that in this area we've allowed ourselves to be patterned after the world rather than after Christ?

47:16 But dear people of God, may I urge you to recognize that common courtesy means that we will not only seek to be sensitive to the social customs which in any cultural context are the symbolism of preferring one another, but we will recognize and cultivate verbal interactions which respect the rights of privacy. You remember that text, Proverbs 27, 14? Proverbs 27, 14. It's a good text speaking to this whole matter.

47:51 27, 14. He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him. You say, oh, I just love my brother so much I'm going to go by early in the morning. He can stand out on his lawn and say, the Lord bless you, brother.

48:08 May the blessing of the Lord come upon you, brother. He says, he'll think you're pronouncing a curse on him. Why? You're disturbing his right of privacy to sleep.

48:17 You're making your time schedule his. He doesn't appreciate it. And no matter how sincere you are, it doesn't negate it. You might as well be out there cursing him.

48:26 That's what the writer says. Now, you see how that fits. You may mean very well in what you say and what you do, but if it violates these canons within our culture as we seek to think biblically, the very opposite is what we will convey by that deep by that word, by that particular act. Well, those were the two areas that I was particularly concerned about from a pastoral standpoint.

Further Applications: Children's Behavior, Punctuality, and Hospitality

48:54 We've got about three minutes left. Questions or further contributions? Yes. Mr. Lee?

49:00 I don't know if I can kind of word it, but perhaps another category could be when we go to someone else's home with our children showing that we have a respect for their property by not having our kids run on their furniture, putting our feet on their tables and things like that. Absolutely. Very vital thing, especially with so many little ones in our congregation that we must be sensitive that we have the right under God to set up certain standards for how our home will be run. But we don't have a right to impose those standards on someone else.

49:36 And we may do well to ask when we go into a home, are there any things here that your children are forbidden to touch? Any areas they're forbidden to go? We found that helpful to find out what the house rules were. Then, we could impart them.

49:49 I'm not a mind reader. My wife was not a mind reader. Our children were not mind readers. So here, we must communicate freely.

49:55 All right? Jim, and then we'll come back to you, Phil.

50:05 Yes?

50:08 Yes, not only in our work commitments, but also in our social commitments. And if we know we're going to be late, I mean, it's obvious, it takes you half an hour to get to the place you're supposed to be. You said you're going to be there at seven, and it's quarter to seven. How much does it cost to get on the phone and say, look, I'm sorry, I'll explain later if an explanation is necessary, but I'm just leaving now.

50:27 I won't be there until quarter after seven. You know what it's like as a woman. If you're preparing a meal and you've scheduled everything to come out of the oven at five till and the meat to set a little bit so your hubby can cut it right at seven, everything on the table, that 15 minutes can throw everything into a tizzy. And then a husband's trying to calm a wife down who's in a tizzy, and then they can end up having their nerves sort of by the time you get there simply because you didn't have enough common courtesy to put through a call, you've created a tense climate.

50:56 You've done it. Now they're responsible if they're not mature enough to handle it. I realize that. They shall bear their own guilt for their own sin.

51:04 But do we need unnecessarily to provoke people to sin? So there's a vital area of courtesy. Just a phone call. Yes.

51:12 Now, Phil, and then we'll come down here to Arlene. Yes, Phil? I was curious about what's a good dividing line between what's good taste and bad taste in this area? We go back to the story of the pregnant woman.

51:26 Yes. We're supposed to bear each other's burdens and we go back and we go to church and we go to church. Sometimes the only way you're going to know this stuff is by asking them. Now, mind you, she didn't do it because of the pact.

51:36 Yeah. But, you know, Yes. But listen, just out of information, to be a good Christian brother and sister, let's assume that if people don't tell us they don't want us to bear the burden with us, they don't want us to rejoice with them yet. Always assume that until they get the burden out or I can put my shoulder under it or they bring out the trophy of God's goodness that I can rejoice with and let me assume that for some reason they do not believe that this time they want to share that.

52:05 So, it's their responsibility. Each one of us must be the judge of what we want to disclose. Who knoweth the things of a man save the spirit of a man which is in him? You only know as much of me as I'm prepared to disclose to you.

52:20 Now, my thinking about what I disclose should be conditioned by the Bible. In certain contexts, confess your sins. Sins one to another. Pray one for another.

52:29 Bear one another's burdens. But I must not make my standard the standard for someone else. I must leave that person to answer to his Lord as he seeks or she seeks to disclose what is appropriate to me. Alright?

52:42 So, we can take that as the rule of thumb and that no friendship, no matter how intimate, even a husband and wife don't have unlimited right of access to all that the other is thinking or feeling.

52:55 There are some things about me my wife doesn't know. There are some things about her that I don't know. Only God has that unqualified, unconditional right of access to the totality of what I am and who I am and what I'm going through. Alright?

53:09 So, I must not assume I have that right. Arlene, this will have to be the last comment because our time is gone. It's 10.31.

53:14 It's 10.31.

53:17 ...television.

53:19 We found it offensive sometimes, either. He had come home, he invited over into television and it's right there and there and their attention is geared to his television. I think it's the part of courtesy if he were to come and have a television where it's available to people that if someone's coming into your home you might turn it off. Yes.

53:35 Or unless you've agreed and said, you know, there's a certain thing that would you like to watch and if they say no then you defer to them. They're your guests. They have priority of claim over whether or not the television. Alright.

Conclusion: Courtesy as a Reflection of Christ-likeness

53:47 Another specific. So, if we begin to think in this way you can see how far reaching the implications will be. Well, I trust then if you realize that this is not something concerning which the Bible is silent. The Christian and common courtesy.

54:00 May God make us more and more Christ-like in this whole area. Let us pray together.

54:09 Our Father, we thank you for your holy word which is a lamp unto our feet and a light to our pathway and we do confess that before its withering searching light we again and again are brought to see our sin. Forgive us for the sins of insensitivity to one another. Forgive us for the sins of a carnal intrusion upon the privacy of others. Forgive us for the sins our Father of grieving others and for the sins of sin.