59a) Baptisms; Principles for Weddings/Funerals

Legitimacy of Pastoral Involvement in Non-Mandated Services

0:02 Now, as we continue to consider the work of oversight, government, and shepherding by the man of God in the pastoral office, we come today to take up the principles that apply to our leadership of those services that I have described as not mandated by the word of God, but precipitated by cultural expectations and traditions. And I trust you see the obvious intention in using the words, they are not mandated by the word of God, but precipitated by cultural expectations and traditions. And with respect to such services, especially weddings and funerals, we must first of all address the question of the legitimacy of our being involved in such activities in the first place. So in your introduction, as is evident in your introduction, we must first of all address I want to consider with you briefly several texts which, in my judgment, certainly do underscore and validate the legitimacy of a servant of God involving himself in those services precipitated by cultural expectations and cultural traditions. And first of all, I would direct your attention to Galatians 6 and verse 10, where the apostle says,

1:26 So then, as we have... opportunity, let us work that which is good toward all men, and especially toward them that are of the household of faith.

1:40 Weddings and funerals constitute marvelous opportunities for doing good, both to the people of God and to sinners. And in Edie's commentary on the epistle to the Galatians, he has what I think is a very helpful summary and praises of the apostle. In the thrust of this text, he writes, There is no occasion to limit the meaning of the epithet, that is, let us do good unto all men. It is the thing which is good in each case, as the case may occur.

2:12 The good thing may vary according to various wants, for it is to be done prospantas, towards all. The entire paragraph has the idea of doing good underlying it. First, the doing good in the restoration of a fallen...

2:28 brother, verse 1. The doing good in the bearing of one another's burdens, verse 2. The doing good in the communication and the part of the taught to the teacher, verse 3. The doing good of unwearied well-doing, verse 10.

2:43 And this verse seems to sum up all these thoughts into one vivid injunction, which not only comprises them all, but enjoins similar social duty in all its complex variety. Whatever its immediate form, whether kindness or beneficence, or mercy, whether temporal or spiritual in character, it is still good in its nature, and it is the good thing adapting itself to each case as it may turn up in reference to all generally, or more specifically, referring of course to the household of faith as a more limited scope. Within which we should seek, as opportunity comes in hand, to work that which is good. And so, if there were no other text but this text, I would say we could argue from it that since weddings and opportunities provide a wonderful opportunity for doing good, bringing the word of God to bear upon these realities in life, both to the instruction and to the evangelization of the unconverted. And to the confirmation and comfort of the people of God, surely this text would warrant our involvement in these things, did they not involve any compromise of the word of

4:10 God, or of our calling as the servants of God. And then 1 Corinthians 9, verses 19 to 23, words often abused to justify all kinds of foolishness in the name of Christ and in the name of reaching men. But words, none the less, that do have legitimate applications, 1 Corinthians 9, 19 to 23, 1 Corinthians 9, 19 to 23, though I was free from all men, I brought myself under bondage to all that I might gain the more. To the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain Jews.

4:49 To them that are under the law, as under the law, not being myself under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law. To them that are without law, as without law, not being without law to God, but under law to Christ, that I might gain them that are without law. To the weak I became weak, that I might gain the weak. I am become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some, and I do all things for the gospel's sake, that I may be a joint partaker thereof.

5:24 1 Corinthians 9, verses 19 to 23, words often abused to justify all kinds of foolishness Here is the great principle of salvation. 1 Corinthians 9, verses 19 to 23, words often abused to justify all kinds of foolishness. A sanctified accommodation on non-moral issues. Now when Paul says to the Jews, I became as a Jew, some of those issues were distinctively religious, some of them cultural, some of them dietary, and he says in all of those things I was willing to accommodate myself with a view to gaining the ears of men for the proclamation of the gospel.

5:51 And surely when we think of the opportunities that come in conjunction with weddings, and funerals, here are opportunities for us to become all things to all men, that we might by all means save some of them. And then I've cited two examples from our Lord. In John 2, 1 to 11, Jesus accepted the invitation, along with his mother and his disciples, to go to a wedding feast. And there's no indication, no indication that he was looking upon it as a means to another end.

6:26 There's no indication that he was looking upon it as a means to another end. Now, he does perform a miracle and show forth his glory, but the miracle in its very nature was contributory to the festivity and happiness of the feast. The miracle was taking water and turning it into wine, the wine, the symbol of joy, the wine which brought gladness to those who were gathered, and our Lord Jesus seized that opportunity for the manifestation of his glory. There was his presence.

6:56 There was his presence at his ministry at a wedding. And in John 11, 17 to 44, the whole incident of our Lord going to the graveside of Lazarus, and as we'll have occasion to refer to this passage later on, he conforms to the norms of that day. He does not, as it were, radically innovate, though he does perform this miracle that in many ways precipitated his own crucifixion, for it was the raising of Lazarus from the dead that solidified the opposition of the Jews, for they said, if we don't do something about this, the whole world is going after him. But he used this opportunity to show love, concern, and doing good, not only in empathizing with the grieving, but even in raising Lazarus from the dead. So I do believe that on the basis of these passages, and certainly others that could be brought to bear, no one who is jealous to be arrested. Regulated in all of his ministry by the authority of Scripture should have any reservations on principle in being involved in a leading role in the conducting of weddings and of funerals. If our Lord Jesus, of all the things that could have been recorded about him, John says, remember, if all of them were recorded, the world couldn't contain the books.

Principle 1: Never Relinquish Your Identity as a Man of God

8:19 God has carefully recorded his presence and ministry at both a wedding and a funeral. Well, without further ado, let's go to John 11, 17 to 44. That brief introduction behind us, dealing with the legitimacy of our involvement in these, now we come to take up general principles which apply to such services. These are the principles that must undergird whatever we do or do not do, whatever the expectations of men may be.

8:46 These principles must never be relinquished, nor must they be pushed into a place where they do not exert an influence upon our judgment. And I'll seek to go through them quickly with you. Number one, never relinquish your position and identity as a man of God, subject to the word of God in all things. It is never right for you, as a man of God, subject to the word of God, to relinquish that position and that identity.

9:19 In 1 Corinthians 7, 23, Paul says, You were bought with a price. Do not become the slaves. When you go into a situation to plan and to administer direction in a wedding or a funeral, you go as Christ's free man. And his blood-bought rights over you must never be violated by anyone else's expectations or by any existing cultural traditions.

9:46 You must never forget that you cannot, without compromising before God, relinquish your position and identity as a man of God. Subject to the word of God. Paul's charge to Timothy, In the light of the all-seeing eye of God, the coming of the day of judgment, I charge thee in the sight of God, and before Christ Jesus, who shall judge the living and the dead, it is appearing in his kingdom, preach the word. Be instant in season, out of season, in all situations, in all circumstances.

10:19 Never forget, Timothy, who you are. A man fundamentally accountable to God. Now, this is important. Because some things in certain cultural situations would utterly stifle your identity.

10:35 There are certain people who all they want is a nice, mild-mannered reverend in order to facilitate the wedding or the funeral. They don't want a man of God, subject to the word of God, bringing the authoritative mind of God in Scripture to bear upon the festivities of a wedding or upon the solemn occasion of a funeral. And therefore, because of that reality, this principle is critical. Let me illustrate it from a couple of experiences that I've had over the years.

11:05 Years ago, there was a hard-drinking, utterly pagan lawyer who helped us to incorporate back in 1967. And God gave me some credibility with him. His secretary subsequently came to this church and was converted and married a Christian man. And in giving her testimony, she said, one of the seeds God used was my interaction in that office as a Christian man.

11:32 Apparently, for the first time, she met a reverend whose religion was something more than his profession. Well, this man had been living in a common-law relationship with a woman. I didn't know it at the time. He called me and he said, Rev, he says, I want to marry the woman I'm living with.

11:47 Will you do the wedding? I said, well, Vic, I don't know. I said, that all depends. Depends upon what?

11:52 I said, well, you bring the lady by. I said, well, you bring the lady by my study and we'll talk about it. No. They sat down and I said, you know, I'd be glad to comply in this situation, but I have to be able to do it with a good conscience.

12:05 So that means, first of all, I've got to establish whether or not, in my judgment, this is a bona fide wedding. So I want to tell me about your previous marital experiences to make an assertation, make a judgment and to ascertain whether or not they were free in the sight of God to marry. And as they outlined their past marital experiences. I judge that in God's eyes, their previous marriages were dissolved.

12:29 So that was one hurdle I overcame. And I said, all right, now the next thing you must understand that if I'm going to perform a wedding, I'm going to put vows in your mouth that express the biblical concept of marriage that has distinct roles, that has permanent monogamous commitments. Now you're going to feel comfortable with me putting those kind of words in your mouth. And I said, and furthermore, I always bring a little homily from the scriptures.

12:52 I figured the word homily with his Catholic background would register. And I said, in that homily, I will speak of the origin of marriage, et cetera. Now, is that what you want? I said, well, that sounds all right to us.

13:04 I said, fine, then I can with a good conscience. And I had the privilege in the old cracker box of preaching to 60 or 70 high class pagans from the professional world at that wedding. But I did not compromise one iota of my identity as a man of God subject to the word of God. When my neighbor, several years ago, after her husband died of lung cancer, called me and said, Al, you know, my husband had no religion.

13:30 I'm a Catholic. Would you be willing to take his funeral? Well, my first response was, I'd be delighted to, Elaine. But then as I reflected, I said, wait a minute.

13:39 I don't want her embarrassed at the funeral. I don't want to be considered someone who sneaked in my religion. So I called her back and I said, Elaine, upon reflection, I think maybe we better discuss this matter before we follow through on it. Because the last thing I'd want to do is to embarrass you.

13:54 If I conduct a funeral, I will be reading portions from both the Old and the New Testaments because I believe, as I know you do, she's a rather devout Catholic, that the scriptures of the Old and the New Testament are the word of God. And I know you have Jewish neighbors, you're very close to them, and other friends who might be offended by my reading from the New Testament and speaking of Christ. But I cannot take a funeral and not read from both the Old and the New Testaments. And I said, furthermore.

14:25 I will speak of Christ as the only one through whom we can be prepared for death and for the age and the world to come. You know what she said to me? Oh, then I said to her, I said, now, in the light of that, Elaine, I said, I would not want to embarrass you or offend you. And if you feel in the light of the things I've said to you, it'd be better to get someone else who would have a much more bland, sort of ecumenically flavored thing.

14:48 I'll not be offended if you ask someone else. She said, no, Al, that's exactly what I would expect of you. Hmm. So I went to the house of privilege and a funeral parlor.

14:57 The only other Christian I know was there was my wife and preached the gospel, took Ecclesiastes as my text, better to go to the house of mourning than the house of feasting and why it is and preparation for death being the great responsibility of life and concluded with the John 11 passage that the only preparation for death is in a person who said, I am the resurrection in life. He that believeth in me, though he were dead yet shall he live and whosoever lives and believes in me shall never die. So your convictions in this area will be put to the test. I used that as two illustrations, but it was helpful to me.

15:32 And as I look back, this is what I was doing. I was saying to do good. I must not relinquish my position and identity as a man of God, subject to the word of God in all things. Then secondly, and this flows out of that, never compromise truth in order to get an opportunity to speak truth.

Principle 2: Never Compromise Truth for Opportunity

15:54 Never compromise truth. In order to get an opportunity to speak truth. In 2 Corinthians 4, verses 1 and 2, the apostle says, seeing that we have this ministry, even as we obtain mercy, we faint not, but have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully. Not walking in craftiness, panorgia.

16:23 Craftiness. Or suffering. Or subtlety. The very thing that Paul fears may infect the Corinthians when he says in 2 Corinthians 11 and verse 3, I fear lest any means as the serpent beguiled Eve in his panorgia, in his craftiness, your mind should be corrupted from the simplicity and purity that is towards Christ.

16:50 And there in 2 Corinthians 12 and verse 16, Paul taking the language that his disciples' detractors were using about him, says, but be it so, I did not myself burden you, but being the crafty fellow I am, he's using a bit of irony, I caught you with guile. They were accusing Paul of being devious, and what I'm saying is it is never right to be devious to compromise truth in order to get an opportunity to speak the truth. You must not ever allow yourself to be. Put in a situation where the antithesis between truth and error, between the lie that damns and the truth that saves, is blurred. There are times when you may be asked to participate with others in a wedding or a funeral. And even though you might be given full liberty to say what you believe is truth, if by standing with another clergyman you're making a statement, well, we're basically all for the same thing, you're compromising. The fundamental truth, in order to have a platform to speak truth.

17:57 Now, we must speak the truth in a context that is true. And so, in weddings and funerals, you must be very careful that you do not compromise truth in order to get an opportunity to speak the truth. The same way with regard to a couple that came years ago, early in my ministry, when I was still up in North Caldwell, and I'll never forget it, a dignified-looking man and woman, probably in their early 50s. Obviously, opulent, wealthy, were settling in that area, and we were a local church, and they said, we'd like to attend a church nearby, and we'd like to be married.

18:34 Will you marry us? I said, well, that all depends. And when I did some investigating there, you talk about something difficult. Here I was in my late 20s, and I had to look into the face of this middle-aged couple after they gave me the facts, and say, according to the Scriptures, if you proceed with this marriage, and you've remained separate.

18:54 Separate from one another sexually until now, you will be consummating an adulterous relationship. You talk about being put to the test. And then I said to them, look, you'll find any number of clergymen that'd be willing to marry you, but I cannot with a good conscience. But if you proceed with it, I want you to know the gospel I preach from the pulpit of that church next door, because I had the parsonage next door to the church, is a gospel that addresses itself to all kinds of sinners, and the doors of that church will be open to you to come and hear that gospel.

19:23 One of the hardest things. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. Everything in me wanted to say, well, hold back on this. Here's an opportunity to win a couple.

19:32 Do good to them. Get them under the sound of the word, that they might, quote, be saved, but not at the expense of compromising truth in order to get an opportunity to speak the truth. And you see, that temptation will not so likely come in your ordinary pulpit ministry, and in those activities connected with services mandated by the word of God. But in conjunction with those precipitated by cultural expectations and by cultural traditions.

Principle 3: Don't Assume Offense is Necessary

20:01 Third principle. Don't assume that to be a man of God, you must of necessity cause offense and make enemies.

20:11 Now, this is a fatal flaw with some men, that they feel, well, in these situations, if I'm really a man of God, there ought to be some people breathing fire and smoke out of their ears at every wedding, and sitting there. They're grinding their teeth at every funeral. And if that doesn't happen, then somehow I have compromised the truth. Well, let's look at some of these passages.

20:33 In Mark chapter 6 and verse 20, we have what to me is one of the most fascinating statements about John the Baptist. Here is this right-angled man, no reed shaken in the wind, no fancily dressed dandy, as my dad would have called him. That's an old word. You want people dressed in fancy soft clothing?

20:53 Go to King's Palace. Not John. No reed shaken in the wind. This man of right-angled, God-given boldness.

21:01 And yet here we read in Mark 6 and verse 20, Herod feared John, knowing that he was a righteous and holy man, and kept him safe. And when he heard him, he was perplexed or did many things, and he heard him gladly. Now, had John become a soft compromiser in his influence? Prison?

21:25 No. But apparently he did not feel, though he had exposed this man's sin, that he had to be a constant source of irritation to him. Somehow John was able to live with this reality, even as Paul, after he preached a man into trembling for two more years. He has opportunity to preach to him, but there's no indication that there's any more trembling, nor is there any indication that Paul just made himself a general nuisance till the guy said, I'm not going to hear you anymore.

21:57 So these, to me, set a paradigm for us, and then these specific texts, Romans 12 and verse 18, So as much as in you lies, live peaceably with all men, not just with believers, if it be possible, as much as in you lies, be at peace with all men. And surely if we are the messengers of the gospel of peace, we should not assume that in any situation where there are unconverted people, if we're true to Christ, we must immediately cause offense. This text says not necessarily so. Hebrews 12, 14, Follow after peace with all men.

22:39 We are to persecute it, track it down, pursue it earnestly, pursuing it with all men. And then Luke 5, 29 to 32, the incident of Matthew, Levi, having our Lord go back to his home as the guest of honor. In a feast that is given in his name, and it's only when the Pharisees bring some objections and voice them to the disciples, and Jesus becomes aware of it, that he takes that occasion then to speak to those Pharisees. But up until that point, our Lord was not a compromiser by just sitting there enjoying the feast so much so that this is what irritated the Pharisees.

23:19 How is it that your master and teacher is a friend of publicans and sinners? Had Jesus been up on the table? Preaching hellfire and damnation to the riffraff, the Palestinian mafia, the Pharisees would have been his amen corner. But he was interacting with them in an innocent social context without being unnecessarily abrasive.

Principle 4: Avoid Unrestrained Evangelism

23:42 So I say this principle is vital. Do not assume that to be a man of God you must of necessity cause offense and make enemies. Fourth principle, do not assume that to be a man of God you must turn every culturally precipitated ministry into an unrestrained evangelistic meeting. I've chosen my words carefully.

24:03 Don't assume that you must turn every culturally precipitated ministry into an unrestrained evangelistic meeting. I'm not saying that there should not be an evangelistic purpose and passion and perspective, but unrestrained evangelistic meeting. By that I'm trying to say don't feel. Don't feel.

24:25 Don't feel. Yet you're somehow compromising your identity unless the whole situation from beginning to end is just constantly bombarding people with focused central truths of the gospel. First Corinthians 13.5, love does not behave itself unseemly, aske moneo, against the accepted scheme of things.

24:50 And then again in Second Corinthians 12.16 where Paul takes the words of his detractor, I'll take your words for it, crafty fellow that I am, I caught you with guile. There is a holy guile in dealing with people. There is a place for sanctified guile, not necessarily a blunt, in-your-face approach to the matter of confronting the unconverted in these circumstances.

Principle 5: Careful Planning and Direction

25:20 Then fifth principle, you must give careful, detailed planning and direction. Planning and direction to such gatherings. Careful, detailed planning and direction. In any social situation, people feel uncomfortable and ill at ease if they sense uncertainty in the direction of the gathering.

25:43 And we come back to one of our fundamental texts, First Corinthians 14.40, let all things be done decently and in order. So both with respect to. Weddings and funerals, the more careful and detailed are the planning, the more at ease you and others will be, the more likely you will be respected and your words well received.

Principle 6: Exude Appropriate Tone and Climate

26:08 There's something in the human psyche that automatically is drawn to respect a man who stands and knows what he's about. And we need, by the grace of God, to capture that principle in these culturally precipitated opportunities. And then sixth principle, you must exude in your person and bearing the tone and climate you wish to create at such gatherings.

26:38 You, in your person, must exude your whole demeanor, the tone and climate you wish to create. It begins with your attire. For you to show up with a bright plaid suit at a funeral is somehow incongruous. Why?

26:54 Because your clothing is making a statement that this is a. Context of cheerfulness, when in reality, it's the house of mourning and there is mourning clothing. There is clothing appropriate and suitable to the disposition of mourning. If you are coming to a funeral conducted for blind people, then come in your bathrobe.

27:15 No problem. But you're not dealing with blind people. And likewise, to come to a wedding dressed like a funeral director, to me again, is incongruous. A wedding is a happy occasion.

27:27 Well, for you to have a bright tie that ties in with the decor of the bride, the grooms and the groomsmen, et cetera, the wedding should reflect this dignity, but joy and then your countenance for a man to come bopping into a funeral service and saying, praise the Lord, isn't it wonderful to know that Christ is the resurrection? No, no, no. It's it's it's jars and love again does not behave itself. On.

27:58 Seemly. So from your dress, your gate, your countenance, the tone of your voice, all of these things, Ecclesiastes seven verses two and three, I've cited in your notes about it is better to go to the house of mourning. And it speaks that in the house of mourning, there is something in the demeanor and the bearing that is discernible. In Ecclesiastes seven, we read sorrow is better than laughter.

28:26 For by the sadness. Because of the countenance, the heart is made glad. So fitting demeanor in the house of mourning, Ecclesiastes seven, three affects even the countenance. Romans 12 and verse 15, a text we often quote here.

28:45 We are to rejoice with those who rejoice as well as to weep with those who weep. Jesus didn't shout with glee when he came to the graveside of Lazarus, knowing he was going to raise him from the dead. It says Jesus wept. And they said, behold, how he loved him.

29:04 Had he shouted, they would have said he's callous. He had no love for Lazarus. What seemed to be a special bond was all a charade. He has no empathy and sympathy for the grieving sisters.

29:18 Now, Jesus, from one perspective, could have shouted. He knew death was no match for him. He was going to break. He was going to break the bonds of death over Lazarus.

29:30 But his whole demeanor was befitting to the circumstances. John 11, 35 and verse 36. And then the seventh principle. You must cry to God that you may be clothed in the power of the spirit and the discharge of these ministerial functions.

Principle 7: Clothed in the Power of the Spirit

29:49 Since these things are not directly connected with the services of the sanctuary, as we might call them, we will be tempted to think of them. We will be tempted to think of them. We will be tempted to think of them. In a less spiritual, a more formal, professional or mechanical way.

30:04 And this is a tragedy. Because you will find, at least if you are ministering in this culture and in many others, that one of your most concentrated opportunities in confronting total pagans and non-Christians will come over the years at weddings and funerals. People who would never accept the invitation of a Christian friend to come to a formal church service will accept a wedding invitation and show up on a day other than the Lord's Day. And people, though they may want nothing to do with a person's testimony in life, will at least desire as a neighbor to be present at their funeral.

30:43 Well, if ever then we as the servants of God need to be able to say in the language of the text set before you that my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of men's wisdom, but in demonstration of the spirit and of power. It is in those settings, in 1 Thessalonians 1.5, where the apostle could say, Our gospel came not unto you in word only, but also in power and in the Holy Ghost and in much assurance. And on the basis of that reality, then, we need constantly to plead in conjunction with these services the promise of Luke 11.13, If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit? So I would urge you, brethren, as God is pleased to open a door of ministry for you in days to come, before you have your first funeral, your first wedding, and begin to plan it, go back over these seven principles and ask the Spirit of God to write them upon your heart, that in all that you do, you may not neglect any one of those principles.