60a) Specific Guidelines for Weddings

Introduction to Wedding Guidelines and Planning Principles

0:02 Now let's begin to take up then specific guidelines for planning and conducting funerals and weddings, starting on the happy note, that of weddings. And you will notice that we begin with the matter of planning the wedding service, and then letter B, preparing for wedding prayers and meditations, and then conducting the rehearsal, and then the actual conducting of the wedding itself. So we're going to work through the matter of weddings under those four headings. As we've already asserted, I remind you that there is no explicit warrant for the idea that an elder in the Church of Christ must be present to contract a viable marriage.

0:47 In my understanding, so long as a man and a woman are prepared to covenant, to commit themselves to permanent monogamy in the light of Jesus, Genesis chapter 2, 18 to the end of the chapter, and that committal is not only made before God, but duly registered before men, so that people know there's been a leaving and a cleaving, and that relationship is consummated in the two-one flesh relationship, you have a wedding, you have a marriage in the sight of God. So there's nothing in my understanding that anyone could tell me I am obligated by the explicit job description of an elder, to conduct weddings. But it fits into that broader category that I sought to address with you in the introduction, where I do believe there is warrant for us to seize these opportunities for doing good. And if you're to do good, then it begins with the planning of the wedding service. As a final part of your premarital counseling, a subject I deal with elsewhere, you will make it plain that you desire to work, you will work out a detailed plan for the actual service. You're not going to wait for the rehearsal to do that, because everybody and his uncle will be giving suggestions.

2:08 You tell the couple we want to have the whole wedding service planned out in detail. And as you work with them, make plain to the couple that it is their service, and that it ought to express their perspectives on this happy occasion. It ought to reflect, as I've indicated in your notes, the Christian convictions of the couple. That they ought not to be embarrassed that their distinctive Christian perspectives on their wedding are patent throughout the wedding.

2:39 Secondly, that it should manifest a sense of propriety and dignity. Now, the words propriety and dignity are not in excessive use in our day, and the concepts are almost non-existent in many circles. Everyone does his own thing, his own way, and he feels that he has a God, given right, if there is a God, to do that. So you may have to help them with respect to the matter of how their Christian convictions can find an expression that is marked by propriety and dignity.

3:15 And thirdly, their desires for the wedding should demonstrate an awareness of the church's identification with them. If they want to do something kooky, they're asking you and the whole church to be identified with their kookishness. The unconverted present, as far as they know, you're just as happy with the bizarre thing that they want to do as they are. So while you say, look, I'm your servant for Christ's sake, and I want the wedding to be your wedding, you must guide some of the particulars, so that these three principles are recognized and are patent in what is actually planned.

Balancing Tradition and Distinction, and Fiscal Responsibility

3:52 Now if these things are present, there will be a desire to do two things. There will be desire to have enough of the flavor, the flavor of the traditional that people don't sit there shocked by the bizarre. But enough that goes across the grain of the merely traditional that people will not be lulled to sleep with the typical dearly beloved we are gathered here today in the sight of God and these many witnesses to join in holy matrimony this man and this woman. And there can be, by the grace of God, a kind of orchestration that people feel comfortable with the familiar.

4:33 And yet, there's enough that forces them to reflect, hey, this isn't just the typical stuff, there's something different going on here. So that with holy guile, you seek to capture the ears and the attention of those who are present. For example, the couple might not feel that hundreds of dollars spent on tuxedos was a wise thing and choose to have the groomsmen just dress in their best suit. But certainly, you're not going to encourage them to say, well, look, we want to make it known God just looks on the outward appearance, not on the heart.

5:10 So we've told the guys, you can come dressed in jeans and the final shirt. Now that's bizarre and out on the farthest edges. But I've had things that weren't quite that far, but we're moving in that direction. And I've had to tell a couple, I said, look, surely that's right.

5:25 You want to be sensitive. But remember, remember, the church and I and the whole people of God are going to be identified with what you're doing. And we don't want to cause. It's an unnecessary offense.

5:37 Furthermore, you ought to encourage the couple to manifest fiscal responsibility in their planning, a responsibility not only with regard to themselves, but those participating in the wedding. If you're asking people that are dirt poor to be your attendants, then don't plan a wedding that demands that the women spend $150 on an expensive dress that they may never wear again, and that the guys go out and spend a hundred bucks renting a tuxedo and all the accoutrements. And it's amazing. Again, you'd say, well, some of this stuff is obvious.

6:11 No, this is wrong out of the experience of doing about a hundred weddings over the years. And you'll have to help the couple and graciously guide them to think of these matters. Now when I say work out with them a detailed outline, what am I talking about? Well, here's the things I'm talking about.

Detailed Planning of the Wedding Service Elements

6:30 Ask them, are you planning on any special music before, during, or after the actual service? If so, what? What kind? Who's going to do it?

6:41 Be very specific with regard to any special music. Is the father going to give the bride away? If not, who? If no one's going to give her away, why not?

6:52 You make inquiry. What are the vows that are going to be used? Are you going to have the couple write their own vows? Are you going to suggest vows that embody the biblical principles and have enough of the traditional flavor that people will not be shocked?

7:07 What I've had to watch out for is in couples that want to write their own vows, they want to pack into their vows the whole biblical theology of marriage and marital love and marital commitment. And they've ended up with a whole paragraph of vows. They were sincere, but misguided. And so I've had to try to very graciously say, I'm so pleased that you want to express all of this rich biblical reality in your vows, but don't you think maybe that this might be a little more appropriate?

7:37 When you get to your honeymoon cottage to speak out this full theology to one another, but they're at the wedding, maybe we can just pair it. But you've got to come to some clear agreement with them on this matter of the vows. I discourage them trying to memorize their vows because under the nervousness of the moment they get stuck and they're more conscious of trying to remember, like a little kid who's standing up, it's his first time that he's giving a poem at a parent's night thing and he's standing up there just, you know, paralyzed with stage fright, trying to struggle for the next words. And so I encourage the couple, I say, look, let's agree on the vows.

8:13 And then in a relaxed setting, you don't need to worry about remembering them. I'll give them to you phrase by phrase in the actual service. If there are going to be any unusual elements in the ceremony, some couples just think it's so lovely to have this lighting of the two outside candles and they both light. Well, I can't forbid that on the basis of the word of God.

8:35 And if they have some sentimental attachment that they want to do that. Just swallow hard and say, we'll work that in. So this is what I mean about a detailed outline. Work it out with them and have it all settled before you ever come to a rehearsal.

Preparing for Wedding Prayers and Meditation

8:50 Then seek their input relative to the meditation you're going to bring. Always ask the couple, I say, is there a particular passage that you would be glad if I would be able? I don't make a promise. You name a passage and I'll preach on it.

9:05 Don't do that. But say, look, is there a particular passage? Is there a passage that you would particularly desire that I would prayerfully consider? Find out from them the anticipated complexion of the congregation.

9:18 Will there be a lot of unsaved relatives present? What is their background? Strongly Roman Catholic, outright pagans, nominal liberal Protestants. Get all the information you can in the matter of seeking to prepare your meditation.

9:35 Ask if you took such and such a passage. Could you say that I've selected this passage with the knowledge and consent of the bride and groom? You see, it gives added clout if when you stand to speak, you can hide behind. Everybody loves the bride and groom.

9:50 They're all sentimentally attached to that. So if you can hide behind them in terms of what you're going to preach, that's part of being crafty, catching people with holy guile and saying, in essence, if you don't like what I'm going to say, you don't like the bride and groom because I'm just being their mouthpiece. That's right. I'm just being their mouthpiece.

10:07 That's right. The bride and groom have asked that I say, and on their behalf, it is my joy to comply with their request and to bring this portion of the word of God to your attention. And then remind them, remind them to get their license and their blood test and to bring those items to the rehearsal. Now I'm being very practical.

10:28 Nobody told me these things, brethren. I had to learn them the hard way. So tell them, be sure on the rehearsal night to have your blood test and your license there, all filled out so that we know what we're doing is kosher. And in this day of video recorders and irreverent photographers, discuss with them very clearly what place, if any, these things are going to have and say that you don't want any of these things distracting during the actual service of worship, the exchange of the vows and the preaching of the word of God.

11:03 Again, in all of these matters, brethren, 1 Corinthians 14.40. We are under a solemn obligation, all things decently and in order. So that's what I'm referring to when I talk about planning the wedding service and then seeking to prepare, in the second place, the wedding prayers and meditation.

Specifics of Wedding Prayers

11:27 Here we have now worked out the framework with the couple. And now a day or two, however long you prepare ahead, you want to actually give specific preparation to these two critical elements of the wedding service and wedding ceremony, the prayers and the meditation or mini-sermon. Under the matter of your prayers, I want to say several things. Some of the directives that will be relevant here you will get, God willing, when we come to the subject of our pulpit prayers later on toward the close of this semester.

12:03 Suffice it to say that your prayers should be clearly thought out. And a basic outline committed to memory and perhaps even written out on a three by five card before you as you come to lead that service. The opening prayer should include such elements as praise to God for the institution of marriage. Praise to God for his word that gives infallible, timeless instruction with respect to marriage.

12:34 Thanks to God for his providence that has brought these two people together. And I want to say that we are in a state of prayer. We are in a state of prayer. We are in a state of prayer.

12:37 We are in a state of prayer. We are in a state of prayer. We are in a state of prayer. We are in a state of prayer.

12:37 We are in a state of prayer. And then entreaty for the consciousness of the presence and power of Christ upon the gathering. Surely any opening prayer at a wedding ought to include those four elements. Praise for the institution of marriage.

12:52 Praise for the word of God that gives timeless instruction about marriage. Thanks for the providence of God that has brought these two people together to be married. And then entreaty for the consciousness of the presence and power of Christ. And then entreaty for the consciousness of the presence and power of Christ upon the gathering.

13:08 The prayer after the vows should include such matters as supplication that the couple may have grace to keep their vows. Entreaty for God to bless them as they learn to live together according to the directives of Scripture. I always try to pray for the new relationship with the in-laws. God has made the relationship to the in-laws central in the marriage institution.

13:35 A man shall leave his father and mother. And cleave to his wife. And no little part in the efficiency of doing that is the mother and father willing to let them leave and cleave. So I try judiciously to pray for the in-laws.

13:52 Lord, bless the parents that they're still living. The bride and the groom. That they may recognize the nature of the new relationship being established. Something along those lines.

14:03 Pray, if it's judicious, it's not a couple, Pray, if it's judicious, it's not a couple, Pray, if it's judicious, it's not a couple, It would be impossible for them to bear children because of age or infirmity. To pray for children that may come from that union. And then always to intercede that this couple in marriage will have an intensified usefulness as light and salt as they enter into married life together. Surely, praying for the blessing of God upon a marriage involves at least those elementary issues.

14:36 And don't leave your prayers to the impulse of the moment. Because you're going to be nervous. You're there, man of God, herald of the word of God, choreographer of all that's going on. And every added person in the thing complicates it.

14:50 And you're trying to make sure. So with all of those things, don't trust to the moment that you're going to be able, with total spontaneity and no thoughtful preparation, be able to pray both a comprehensive and edifying prayer. Your prayers will tend to become nervous, trite, tediously repetitive, fictitious, and perhaps even confusingly illogical. Then with respect to preparing the meditation or the brief sermon, you'll notice what I've stated, several principles.

Principles for the Wedding Meditation (Mini-Sermon)

15:21 First of all, as a general rule, I can't make an ironclad rule, and otherwise I would have broken it at the last wedding here when I preached on the text, weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Never used it before at a wedding, never preached it anywhere. But that situation is...

15:39 It was particularly relevant. But as a general rule, select a passage or theme that is patently related to the subject of marriage. And I've listed some of those. Genesis 2, Matthew 19, Matthew 22, the marriage feast, Ephesians 5, 22, and following.

15:57 But in doing this, notice the next directive. Do not attempt to handle a passage which demands close reasoning or lengthy periods of intense mental contemplation. You've got a lot of, often, unregenerate people. Or you've got people who are not used to following a closely reasoned biblical argument.

16:19 They've not come to have their brains stretched. They've come to gush and goo over the couple getting married. Well, that shouldn't...

16:28 Well, what is, is. And we need to recognize that reality. And don't attempt to handle a passage which demands close reasoning or lengthy periods of intense mental contemplation. Do not attempt to handle a passage which demands close reasoning or lengthy periods of intense mental contemplation.

16:40 Thirdly, remember that those who come to a wedding come with a general attitude of joy and excitement and don't let your good be evil spoken of. Romans 14 and verse 16. Don't let your good be evil spoken of. Yes, you want to reach people with the truth of the gospel.

16:59 You want to go after the silly notion that there are no fixed roles in the marital relationship. But remember, you're not there to be a reformer. You're not there to be a reformer of the institution of marriage to all of society on that particular occasion. You're to be salt.

17:17 You're to be light. But God doesn't say you need to be ten pounds of concentrated salt all in one place at one time. Remember 1 Corinthians 9 and verse 22 in this element of sanctified accommodation. Fourthly, in your meditation, your mini-sermon, don't seek to convey a whole system of divinity or biblical ethics.

17:39 You say, I've got these people for this. One time. Yes, I know. And you'd like to start with creation and fall and depravity and God's...

17:48 I know. Yes, so would I. But again, God has not called you to do that. So don't seek to convey a whole system of divinity or biblical ethics.

17:58 Seek to limit your meditation to 15 to 20 minutes. Here's the principle that I operate on. Matthew 7, 12. As you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them.

18:09 For this is the law. And the prophets. If you're expecting to go to a wedding, what is your basic expectation? To see the couple duly hitched, happily walking out as Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so, the new bride and groom, or the newly constituted couple. You have not gone primarily to be preached at. You've not gone primarily to have an in-depth study of the scriptures. That's not what was on the invitation.

18:39 So-and-so requests the honor of your presence at the marriage. So-and-so requests the honor of your presence at the marriage. The marriage of such-and-such and such-and-such. Well, there's an unwritten contract that has been made with those who come.

18:49 And they have a certain framework of expectation. And the way I approach it is that if you go to a Roman Catholic wedding, it takes them a good 45 to 50 minutes, minimum time, to go through their rigmarole. And certainly then, if we take 45 to 50 minutes, we're not exceeding the bounds of ordinary propriety and the cultural expectations in our society, so that if everything's going to be put in its proper place, generally speaking, you'll want to limit your meditation to 15 to 20 minutes. And then whatever you say, whatever you say, make some clear statements as to, and I've listed these four things, the origin of marriage.

19:31 And I'll be saying more, God willing, in weeks to come as I finish reading the book. But I'm reading Mary Cassian's book right now, which is probably the most comprehensive, profound, insightful book dealing with the rise of modern feminism, both in the secular and in the religious world. And I have, my wife will testify to this, I have at times just been stunned into numbness as I've been reading and seeing where the various strands that I've known were there, how they've actually conspired and come together. And it is just convincing.

20:12 It makes me all the more with something as fundamental as this issue of the origin of marriage, where the whole society is being conditioned by and has been conditioned by the lie of evolution. There is, in our day, no deep-rooted consensus among our fellow countrymen that marriage originated in the design of the God who created the male and female. And surely, if we're doing anything that's biblical and trying to be light, and salt, we will, on the occasion of having an opportunity to preach the word, say something regarding the origin of marriage, secondly, something about the divine order for roles in marriage. And here again, we're going against the whole tide of society and much of the church. I commend to you the feature article in the latest World magazine.

21:11 On the front cover, it says, The Stealth Version. And it's frightening what the next edition...

21:17 The next edition of the NIV is going to do in changing the language of Scripture to accommodate feminism.

21:26 And the whole notion that there are fixed roles for the husband and the wife, non-interchangeable. More and more, brethren, we're going to be like goonie birds in the eyes of people. But may God help us. For whosoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this evil and adulterous generation of him shall the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes.

21:46 And then the permanence of marriage. Vows are being rewritten till our love lasts rather than till death do us part. We need to emphasize it. And then the relevance of the gospel in conjunction with marriage.

22:02 Paul cannot speak of marital roles without saying, I speak concerning Christ and the church. You have a wonderful opportunity to address the gospel as the only answer to how sinful men and women can exist in this relationship with harmony and the pattern that God has set. And that pattern is not perfectly attainable, but fundamentally and progressively attainable by the dynamics imparted through the gospel of Christ. Well then, very quickly now, conducting the rehearsal, here again, remembering 1 Corinthians 13 and verse 7.

Conducting the Wedding Rehearsal

22:38 And you wonder why I quote this text, but experience will validate in your own judgment that it is relevant. Love bears all things.

22:50 And in conducting... In conducting the rehearsal, you will need the love that bears with people who were not there when you sat with the bride and groom, went through everything with them, have it all in place, and you're going to have people that are all more than willing to give suggestions.

23:06 Well, can we do it this way? Can we do it this way? And you'll need the love that bears all things, not to show irritation and carnal reaction. And remember 1 John 3.16, that if love would compel us to lay down our lives for the brethren, for the sake of this couple, and maintaining reasonably good relations with relatives and friends who are part of the wedding party, then we must be willing to swallow, and sometimes swallow hard. I've had dominant future mothers-in-law try to take charge of a wedding rehearsal, and it has taken tons of grace to keep my days and keep everything going smoothly. Well, I appreciate your input, ma'am, but when we're going to do it this way, and there's a sense in which you've got...

23:53 You've got to lay down your life for the brother and sister whose wedding it is. And then, very quickly, I'll run through these matters with you in the rehearsal, because again, I can't recommend a minister's manual like I used to be able to recommend one, but the revised edition is such that I wouldn't ask a dog to use it for weddings or funerals, so I've tried to be very specific and helpful, and these things I don't ask you to memorize now, but hopefully there'll be something you can go back to. When you need them in the future, when all are present, gather them together, speak a few words of greeting, and explain why it is essential that all be done decently and in order, and that all is planned by the bride and groom. You are there at the rehearsal, not to discuss how the wedding will be conducted, but to go through a mock conducting of what has already been settled by the bride and the groom and you in a previous session. Then, secondly, lead in prayer. With thanksgiving and entreaty for God's help, set a tone from the outset that you are there, not just as choreographer, though you are, but as man of God, dependent upon the grace of God, and this is going to be a Christian wedding that brings glory to God. That's serving notice, you see, to unconverted people who may be part of the bridal party, who are used to coming in and at the end of the vows, clapping, they know from the outset

25:17 at the rehearsal, in this relaxed setting, hey, God's in this whole thing, and you're doing it in a way that's right. It's natural, and yet in a way that is gracefully asserted. Thirdly, direct each person to the exact places where they should be five minutes before the wedding begins. Mother-in-law's to be down in that room.

25:35 Get them all where they're supposed to be, and that'll differ from place to place, but actually put them there. And then, fourthly, go through the entire ceremony two times. Skip the details. Emphasize the transitions.

25:49 How does the bride get off her father's arm and onto the groom's arm? Well, actually go through that with them, so the next day she's not going like this, and the father's all awkward, and people's attention is distracted. So actually work on the transitions, and then work on the parts where the glitches would most likely occur. How are you going to get the ring from the best man to you and into the groom's hand so he can put it on the bride's finger?

26:14 You work on those things. Then, number five, gather them all together again. At the end of running through it two times, get them all together again, and make sure that each is clear in his own mind as to what to do.

26:30 Urge them to think in terms of having their clocks a half hour ahead on the day of the wedding. A broken shoestring at the last minute, a stubborn piece of hair that normally the bride could get in place in five minutes with her curling iron, and lo and behold, she ends up spending 15, 20 minutes with it. Tell them, look, tomorrow the wedding's planned for 1 p.m.

26:53 Plan everything as though you had to be here, and the wedding was going to start at 5 p.m. or 12.30.

26:57 The extra time won't hurt you, but every minute beyond the scheduled time is like five minutes for the people sitting there, and then all the wedding party starts to get nervous, and you start to have your juices churning. So, a practical suggestion, and then close the time with prayer, praying that God's blessing will attend the actual ceremony. And then in the conducting of the actual wedding, here again, I've just listed these ten things, and I will not do anything more than go through them and make just one or two comments on one or two of them, and then we'll take a break. First of all, aim to arrive at least a half hour before the scheduled beginning of the wedding.

Conducting the Actual Wedding Ceremony

27:34 That's just plain good sense, to get there a half hour before the wedding. Secondly, when the groom and best man are in place, seek to create a relaxed climate and pray with them. The groom may be very nervous. Chit-chat with them.

27:48 Put your arm around them. Pray together that God will be glorified. Be there as a symbol of spiritual calmness. Comradeship.

27:57 About ten minutes before the scheduled beginning, check to see that the bridal party is ready and pray with them, asking that God will be glorified in the forthcoming wedding ceremony. When you enter with the groom and best man, seek to create a climate of solemn joy and spiritual reality. Everyone comes with his own predisposed notion of what a proper wedding is and what a proper reverend is. Well, you come by your demeanor and bearing.

28:26 And you take... You take charge and you reflect what you believe ought to be the climate of such a gathering.

28:33 And as you speak, therefore, number five, speak directly and forcefully to the people. Don't mumble a wedding ritual. Few things will get me more irritated at a wedding than some guy standing up with his head down in his minister's manual in front of him, dearly beloved. And I feel like saying, look, why don't you just send us all home?

28:52 You're just going through a ritual. Look at my eyeballs. Engage me. Engage me with your eyes like maybe you were doing something real.

29:02 And so this is what I mean by as you speak, speak directly and forcefully. Six, seek to let your own heart respond to the joyful solemnity of the occasion. Don't be so concerned about the details of moving from this to this that you don't ride the crest of the joy that is present. Let your own soul be open to absorb some of that joy.

29:24 And this is one of, of course, the privileges of a lengthy pastorate when it's someone that had no being in time when you came into an area and then you saw them when they were just a big lump in their mummy's tummy and then they were one of those that hugged you at the door and now they stand and, and God has led that young man, young woman to a godly mate and, and you realize that in the goodness of God, you've had a part in that whole process. Let your own soul drink in the joy of it. Don't, don't be so concerned that every, that you're insulating yourself because there is a contagion. Of both joy and of sorrow.

30:01 Seventh, announce at the outset that it is a service of worship conducted in the presence of God and that no flash pictures are to be taken. Do that. You take charge and say, we are in the presence of God. It's a joyous occasion, but it's solemn because we are here in God's presence.

30:19 And then when speaking to the couple, look at them, but speak so that all can comfortably hear. Speak directly to the couple, John and Mary, as you come here today. To share your vows. But remember, you're speaking to John and Mary in the company of 50, 100, two, three, 400 people.

30:36 And John and Mary are not going to go deaf because you speak to them with sufficient commandingness of voice to be heard by everyone. And likewise with the vows. I've heard men just drop their voice. Yes, the vows are between the, but they're being witnessed.

30:51 We're here as witnesses. I can't witness what I can't hear. I can't bear testimony to the vows made if I can't hear them. So you look at the couple, John, I, John, take you, Mary, I, John, take you, Mary, and speak directly to them, but speak with sufficient volume to be heard by all.

31:11 And then ninth, if you sense distracting nervousness in the part of the bride or groom, be their friend. Reach over, speak softly to them, say, now, John, just cool down. Everything will be fine. And I've said, if necessary, even give them a little affectionate squeeze on the arm.

31:27 I've had people almost painting at the wedding. I said, man, if I don't. Get them loosened up here. And sometimes even lean over and whisper and say, look, just bend at the knees a little bit.

31:36 Don't lock your knees. You can cut off your circulation. I was at a wedding where a guy went over like someone had shot him with a .45 Magnum.

31:43 I mean, it hit the edge of stairs, not in this church. Right in the middle of the service, we had to stop the service, call 911. He almost cut his tongue off. He was out before he hit.

31:54 I saw him coming, 6'3", 195 pounds. And I saw him coming. I mean, he was gone. Before he hit, cough, howl, right on the edge of a stair.

32:04 His tongue almost severed when he ended up having to have his jaw wired and T3. I mean, it was horrible. So, hopefully, you'll never have to go through these experiences. These little tidbits will let you know there is something to be concerned about.

32:19 And then, finally, number 10. In your preaching, seek to be intensely conversational and direct. Now, what I mean by conversational is, as opposed to some kind of language, wedding, clerical tone. I mean, some men avoid this in every other area.

32:36 But when they get a wedding ritual in their hands, somehow they lose their naturalness. So, by conversational, that's what I mean. Natural and direct in your bringing of the Word of God to those who are gathered on that occasion.