61a) Specific Guidelines for Funerals

The Pastor's Immediate Ministry to the Bereaved

0:03 All right, brethren, let's pick up where we left off at the last hour, moving to the second major category of those services that are precipitated by cultural opportunities. Having addressed ourselves to the matter of weddings, we come now to the matter of funerals. And before we take up the material that is outlined in your printed sheets, there was a statement in one of the older minister's manuals that I wanted to read to you. No demand upon a pastor is as urgent as the call of sorrow in the hour of bereavement and death.

0:42 Never do his people need him as greatly or lean upon him so heavily. Nor does the door ever swing so widely to admit him into their hearts' affection and lasting love. He has as great a memory as when he comes to bear them up in love and comfort. Most pastors know when their members may be sick unto death and generally are near to comfort those to whom the shock is greatest.

1:06 But should he for one reason or another not be present at the moment, he will go to the sorrowing ones as quickly as possible after the word reaches him and minister to them all that his human abilities and divine enablings will permit. And that leads us very naturally. into the first heading under funerals, namely the immediate ministry to the bereaved. And I've listed for you three things that ought to be present in your own heart and mind as you think of ministering to those who have lost a loved one through that last enemy that is not yet destroyed but shall be at the coming of our Lord Jesus.

1:46 First of all, show yourself a true friend, fulfilling the mandates of Romans 12, 10, 15, and John 11, 3, 35, and 36. In this situation, professional clerical ministry won't cut it. When the great reality and grief that comes with death enters, Romans 12, 10 is the text that should guide us. In love of the brethren, be tenderly affectioned one toward another.

2:20 And again, the text quoted earlier, rejoice with them that rejoice, weep with them that weep. And our Lord Jesus, who loved Lazarus and his sisters, manifested that by coming as a friend to that household in Bethany in the midst of their grief and mingling his tears with the tears of those who were left behind. And so, in your immediate ministry to the bereaved, show yourself to be a true Christian friend, fulfilling those mandates. secondly show yourself a man of God by being prepared to bring an appropriate word from God into that situation 2 Timothy 2.15 we are to do our utmost to show ourselves approved unto God workmen who need not to be ashamed cutting a straight course in the word of truth even in coming to the bereaved in their time of need convinced that all scripture is given by inspiration of God and is able to make us furnished unto every good work and that our mandate to preach the word in season out of season is not suspended when a loved one has gone in the midst of the church family some of the portions that will be most helpful in those occasions are Psalm 46 and Psalm 90 2 Corinthians 1, 3 and 4

3:45 the God who is described as the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our tribulation the whole of Job chapter 1 culminating in the statement the Lord has given the Lord takes away Ecclesiastes 3, 1 to 8 that in God's purpose there is a time for everything a time to mourn a time to dance a time to grieve some of these portions from the word of God you'll want to prepare yourself as you go to those who are feeling most keenly the loss and minister the word of God to them you will feel a sense of understanding utter frustration what can I say well bring the word of God and trust that God will quicken his word and make that a means of consolation and then thirdly show yourself a responsible man in giving practical counsel concerning funeral arrangements leave this to the last when you've gone to minister to a grieving family a grieving husband or wife parents sometimes they're too paralyzed to think about the natural matters and you're going to have to graciously raise those issues not bluntly well what have you done for funeral arrangements but have you begun to consider what we need to do over the next few days you can use euphemisms the Bible uses them that's not being dishonest it's being gracious and tactful well show yourself as a man of God to be a responsible man

Planning the Funeral Service

5:14 in giving practical counsel concerning these arrangements and then secondly the plan of God is to be a responsible man in the planning of the funeral service you ought to consult with the loved ones directly responsible for the arrangements in case of true believers and members of the church this though a time of heaviness becomes a ministry that you are able to perform with joy and with gratitude in the case of unbelievers and strangers where you may be asked to take a funeral service you may have to be more assertive and not agree to take a funeral service until some issues are clearly understood as I indicated to you with my neighbor who asked me to take her husband's funeral indicate that you are not going to encourage a eulogy that talks people into heaven that there will be no prayers for the deceased you may have to articulate if you handle the funeral what there will and will not be in that funeral with the people of God you can inquire as to whether or not there is a favorite hymn or passage of the word of God that the loved ones desire to be read or sung and then lay out precisely what you purpose to do and ask the loved ones most immediately responsible is this acceptable to you certainly you don't want to add to the grief of their loss the grief of you doing something inadvertently that is either an embarrassment

6:40 or an occasion of shame to them so talk the issue through and then generally it's wise to visit the funeral home before the actual funeral service during the visiting hours the day or two before and this for several reasons it gives you an opportunity to minister to the loved ones in that setting you're able to meet the funeral director check with him on details they don't expect some of the funeral homes that a man's going to preach and they'll have a thing that's hardly big enough to hold your Bible let alone your Bible and your notes will you talk to the funeral director say that I will be bringing a meditation from the scriptures do you have a lectern that's big enough to hold my Bible and you can read it and my notes where will you place it go over those practical details seek to have it placed in a way that if the loved ones are insisting on having the casket open that the deceased is not in the direct line of your vision have the lectern at such a place that when you're preaching and leading the people and reading the word of God they're not distracted by direct visual contact with the deceased those are some of the situations that when you come the next day or two to actually lead the funeral you're not coming into it all thumbs and six fingers and this is why it's helpful if you can do that now for the specific details the preparation of the sermon and the prayers you'll notice it's the reverse order from weddings where I talked about preparing the prayers and the sermon

Preparing the Sermon: Goals and Instruction

8:08 and there's no significance to that it's just the way I have handled it over the years with regard to the sermon you ought to have as your goals to bring of course instruction to bring comfort to bring exhortation and warning this will mean that you must gain as accurate an assessment as possible relative to the anticipated congregation ask the loved ones who will be present as with weddings what is their background what is their religious thinking it will help you then in selecting an appropriate text or subject and to develop it in keeping with those particular circumstances seek to include a proportionate amount of these elements of instruction comfort exhortation and warning first of all with regard to instruction don't be reluctant to come at such questions as what precisely is death what has happened to the one who is departed from us speak of the radical unnatural separation of soul and body that is only temporary that awaits the day of judgment when soul and body will be reunited why is death a part of life was it always that way to what does death lead how can we face death with confidence and in an increasingly pagan society the most elementary issues of instruction

9:37 are desperately needed and if you can't bring the teaching of the word of God on these ultimate questions to bear at a funeral where in the world are we going to bring them to bear and so seek in the planning of life the planning of your sermon that it will be instructive and then secondly that it will be a means of comfort there is no segment which you cannot seek to comfort in one way or another and I've listed the various potential groupings in the case of believers who've lost a believing loved one that's when amidst the pain and the grief there is tremendous joy when the consolations of the gospel are brought home to the living not only on the basis of the word of God but on the basis of the proven Christian experience of the one who has left us and here the passages I've listed are the obvious ones 1 Thessalonians 4 13 to 18 that concludes with the exhortation comfort one another with these words the example of the apostle who desired to depart and be with Christ in 2 Corinthians 5 1 to 8 his groaning that he might be clothed upon with immortality Romans 8 and 9 31 to 39 that nothing shall separate us from the love of God in Christ and the truth of Psalm 23 seek to bring to bear upon believers who've lost a believing loved one these unique consolations

Preparing the Sermon: Comfort and Exhortation

11:05 that are part and parcel of their inheritance in Christ but then in the case of believers who've lost an unbelieving loved one or friend they need to recognize that for them as believers all things even the loss of this loved one that they have no reason to believe was in a state of grace is working together for their good and Genesis 18 25 shall not the judge of all the earth do right and encouraging the believers to rest in the absolute justice of God and not to question the ways of God in the case of unbelievers who've lost a believing spouse or relative to say concerning that one who has gone to be with the Lord this has worked for the good of that one who has departed and then seek to bring the word of God to bear upon the conscience of the unbelievers and even in the circumstances where unbelievers have lost an unbelieving relative we can emphasize the truths contained in the passages listed Acts 17 24 and 25 that it is in God that we live and move and have our being he is the disposer of life Psalm 90 where the Moses the man of God looks back over the history of all of that wilderness generation and how they died off before his eyes in some very solemn truths relative to the issue of life and death

12:32 that we can bring to bear upon the situation in which we find ourselves ministering that word and then exhortation and warning it is appropriate to urge people to seek the Lord while he may be found Psalm 90 verse 14 that prayer that we would use the occasion of reflecting upon the brevity of life to apply our own hearts to wisdom and I've given the wrong reference there it shouldn't be 90 verse 14 it should be verse 12 so teach us to number our days that we may get us a heart of wisdom and Luke 12 16 to 21 the matter of the rich fool who acted as though all he had was a body and physical appetites and said to his soul take thy knees eat drink and be merry and the Lord says thou foolish one tonight thy soul shall be required of thee and we don't need to holler and thump in a setting of restraint but we can honestly and urgently plead with people to seek the Lord while he may be found to prepare to meet their God and in all that we say don't play God even even if there were no evidence of anyone being and the person whose funeral we're conducting was in a state of grace the day of judgment has not come and God has not asked you to take his place be very very careful

Warning Against Playing God and Preparing Prayers

14:01 about playing God in stating openly with certainty your confidence of the destiny of a specific individual to state with absolute certainty to the living if you die without Jesus Christ you will face the judgment of God that's one thing to say and this person now knows the terrors of the damned we better be very careful we do not know what God may do in any situation in the last moments of life there is as Ryle said one deathbed conversion there is one that none may despair only one that none may presume and even though we may have solid grounds to believe this person lived and died outside of Christ what good does it do of us unnecessarily to prejudice people toward the truth of the gospel by focusing upon our judgment about that individual when we have every warrant from the word of God to speak to the living as to what their death will be if they remain indifferent to the gospel so that's what I mean by in these matters don't play God and then the prayers and here again I urge thoughtful careful preparation of the prayers and generally there will be at least two places in a funeral service that you will not play God you will seek to be the mouthpiece at the throne of God the opening prayer should focus on the inescapability of death thanksgiving for the word of God

15:31 and supplication that people will attend with eagerness to the instruction of Holy Scripture and that the spirit of God would give light and would give understanding in that opening prayer it's critical that you set the tone for that service that you have come to bring the word of God to bear upon the earth upon this circumstance of the house of mourning that God has established and then prayer after the sermon should focus on the living and their present needs in the case of a well established believer in a context of primarily believing brothers and sisters that prayer will encompass the hope and the confidence that we have as the people of God that the separation is but temporary in the case of the unbeliever we can then plead with God that he'll use the occasion of the loss of this loved one to sober all of us who yet live that we may be prepared for this moment when we too shall die that's not preaching in your prayer that's a petition framed by the specific realities of that given situation so prepare those prayers at least in outline form and then in the actual conducting of the service as with the wedding let it be evident that you are not mummified you are not mummified you are not mumbling through a clerical ritual speak directly to people's eyes moderate your voice to the circumstances of what will

Conducting the Service and Committal

17:00 generally be a small chapel love does not behave itself unseemly the words that should characterize your manner of conducting the funeral are these composure dignity earnestness sensitivity composure dignity earnestness sensitivity and then after the service you will generally be expected to go to the graveside and conduct what we call the committal service and this brethren is often the most difficult time for loved ones it's one thing to see the cosmetized corpse in the funeral parlor but when the lid is closed and that coffin is poised ready to be dropped in the earth and they see the piled earth waiting to enfold a loved one the awful reality of death comes home with unusual intensity and here again the words of scripture and the actual words of committal appropriate to various categories are matters that we need to thrash out we may need to root around in some of the pastor's manuals I hope to give you some mimeograph materials when we meet God willing next week but there at the committal service your prayer should seek to lay hold of God for loved ones and for the living and then you should seek after the actual committal service

18:29 which generally will just be a matter of five ten minutes at the most to go and stand with the loved ones and you may have to actually help lead them away back to their own cars there's that sense again when I walk away and come back here the next time the earth will have enveloped my loved one and that tie to the earthly remains is not idolatrous it's it's natural and grace does not war with nature only with sin and you need sometimes to be the one who will gently put your arm around that grieving loved one and and tactfully lead them away from that grave site then I've mentioned attending the post funeral gathering at the home and here I have just two words of exhortation where possible put in at least a brief visit in our cultural setting most frequently the loved ones will invite people at the funeral parlor after the interment they will say there will be a reception at such and such a place and here's an opportunity for you not only to show yourself to be a true friend to the people of God who are grieving or even in the case of unconverted people it helps to validate that you are not just doing your professional thing your clerical thing you're really seeking to be a friend of God a friend to them and further you may have wonderful opportunities

Post-Funeral Ministry and Gospel Opportunity

19:58 for additional ministry to the people of God and additional ministry to the unconverted where you'll be able to pick up some of the strands of what you preached at the funeral parlor and seek to press them home in an individual one-to-one circumstance and as I stated in the earlier lecture over the years I think proportionately I probably have preached to more unconverted people at weddings and funerals than in any other church setting and by that I mean that if you take the amount of people who are present how many of them are unconverted far more there at a wedding and a funeral than would be present on an ordinary Lord's Day morning or evening and it's a marvelous opportunity particularly in an increasingly pagan society brethren and unless the Lord breaks in and turns it around your situation is going to be far more acute with blatant pagan perspectives dominating both marriages and funerals that you have a marvelous opportunity for the gospel a marvelous opportunity to demonstrate that the word of God is indeed relevant to these issues and who knows how God may tweak as it were people's minds that though they may not immediately come under the sound of the word and immediately begin to inquire after the way of salvation they'll remember that situation where that man stood up and he didn't just mumble the words of a prayer book he didn't just mumble the words

21:27 of a minister's manual he talked to us eyeball to eyeball at that wedding he talked like he really believed God created male and female and God instituted marriage and God has something to say about husbands and wives and at that funeral he talked about death in a way that didn't just wipe over the ugly reality but he spoke about death with a certainty that we can be confident as we face our death it may be you see when they heard you life was just one big ball to them couldn't think a serious thought about death but now they've just discovered that they've got terminal cancer and the spirit of God can bring to remembrance that situation where a man spoke about death and heaven and hell and the world to come with certainty I want to go hear a man like that you never know what God may do in sowing seeds that may seem to lie dormant for a long time but under the blessing of God will sprout and may spring forth in the fruits of true repentance and conversion so in summary brethren I would urge you with respect to these culturally precipitated opportunities at funerals and weddings seize them for the good of souls and for the glory of God and the advancement of his kingdom and hopefully you take advantage of every opportunity you can while here as a student to attend the weddings and the funerals