Concluding Counsels: When We are the Offender

Introduction: The Church as a Community of Forgiven and Forgiving Sinners

0:02 The following sermon was delivered on Sunday morning, July 27, 2003, at Trinity Baptist Church in Montville, New Jersey. Now, will you follow with me, please, in your Bibles as I read one of the portions upon which our attention will be focused this morning, not the only one, but one of them, Matthew chapter 5 and verses 21 through 26. Our Lord Jesus Christ speaking says,

1:07 And whosoever shall say, You fool, shall be in danger of the hell of fire. If, therefore, you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother. And then, Then come and offer your gift.

1:41 Agree with your adversary quickly while you are in the way, lest perhaps the adversary deliver you to the judge, and the judge deliver you to the officer, and you be cast into prison. Truly I say unto you, you shall by no means come out till you have paid the last farthing. Well, let us again seek the help of God. Holy Spirit, as we come to the study of His word.

2:13 Let us pray. Our Father, we remember the words of John the Baptist who said, A man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven.

2:34 And we confess that we are so slow to learn that truth. But we would consciously repudiate all trust in our own mental abilities, our own previous knowledge of the word of God as a means whereby we can accurately perceive your mind and look to you for the Spirit's present ministry of illumination that we might grasp with spiritual understanding what you are saying to us out of the scriptures. Give to your servant a fresh infilling and endowment of the Spirit that his words may not come in word. Give to your servant a fresh infilling and endowment of the Spirit that his words may not come in word.

3:16 But in demonstration of the Spirit and of power that our faith should not rest in the wisdom of men, but in your power. Lord, we believe in asking these things. We are asking things agreeable to your will. And therefore we ask them in the expectation of faith and trust you to give them through Christ our Lord.

3:41 Amen. I want you to imagine with me what it would be like to walk, to walk into a town, a city, or a village somewhere on planet Earth,

4:01 to spend one week in that village, because for one week every single dweller in that village would own every single sin he has committed against any fellow dweller of that city or village. Owning his offense, seeking forgiveness, making restitution where necessary, and where for one week every person whose forgiveness is sought freely and cheerfully confers that forgiveness. For one week in this town, in this village, in this city, no citizen has unrighteousness. There is a barrier of an unresolved tension with any other fellow citizen.

5:03 What do you think it would be like?

5:09 Do you say, Pastor, that would be a little bit of heaven on earth among men for one week? And you're right. It would be. For one of the glorious things of the life of heaven will be not only that the people of God, will see the face of their God and their Savior, and have no sin to cloud His countenance, or to dampen their love for Him, but where no dweller in heaven will have the slightest against with any other dweller of that blessed place.

5:50 It would indeed be a little bit of heaven on earth. Well, just such a situation, both city, or village, or town, is exactly what the church of Christ is to be like here and now, before it is taken to heaven. In a world of those who won't own their sin and humble themselves And seek forgiveness either from God or man. In a world full of those who will not forgive hearts, the ravenous beasts of revenge and retaliation and resentment, the church is to be a community of light and of salt, demonstrating that the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ not only blows the roof off man's alienation between himself and his God, but where it flattens the walls that keep human beings from dwelling together in open-faced heart communion one with another.

7:17 One of the glories of the gospel is that when men and women are transformed by the saving work of the Lord Jesus, there is placed within their hearts, as forgiven sinners, a disposition of forgiveness. So as we have seen, the church can rightly be described as a company of forgiven sinners who have been constituted a company of forgiving sinners. And this is so essential to the identity of the church that Jesus says repeatedly, anyone who does not have the disposition of forgiveness. Forgiveness has never been forgiven.

8:10 For Jesus said, if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive your trespasses. And at the conclusion of that parable of the unjust servant who having been forgiven his millions, grabbed his fellow servant by the throat for his nickels and dimes and would not forgive him. God says through our Lord Jesus, deliver him to the tormentors till he shall pay all of his due. So shall my heavenly Father do to you if you forgive not everyone from the heart.

The Ongoing Need for Mutual Forgiveness in the Christian Life

8:51 And because this whole matter of forgiveness, especially the horizontal or mutual forgiveness is such a crucial issue, I have spent some twelve messages, eleven messages, my numbers were off last week. Harry reminded me. And we come this morning to the twelfth message in this series on the subject of forgiveness with our emphasis primarily focused upon mutual or horizontal forgiveness. And having laid what I trust is a solid biblical foundation for a theology of forgiveness, having addressed some of the major erroneous ideas and practices, I come now to what I believe will be my three concluding messages. And I've entitled them this way. Some concluding biblical counsel concerning mutual forgiveness. Some concluding biblical counsel concerning mutual forgiveness.

9:59 And in these final three messages, I intend to set before you counsel that I trust will be of the best interest to you. My trust will be helpful at the most elementary level as you and I, as the people of God, seek to be what our Lord says we are to be, namely a company of forgiven sinners who are marked as being a company of forgiving sinners. You say, well, isn't this kind of beating things a little thin at the edges, Pastor? I answer, no, it isn't.

10:37 And let me enlarge on that answer. In this life, the most mature, the most godly Christian will always be in the position of both the offender and the offended. In other words, at one time we will be the one who has sinned against another, while at another time we will be the one who has been sinned against. And our Lord ascends.

11:07 And our Lord assumes that this will be the condition of His people until the consummation. This is why in His model prayer, saying after this manner, pray, one of the pivotal petitions is, and forgive us our debts as we have forgiven our debtors. And then as we saw in our study of that passage, the only petition upon which our Lord enlarges is that petition, and He enlarges with enough words that take up half of the word number of the entire prayer. For if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive yours.

11:52 You and I, until we die and join the company of just men made perfect, or if we are alive at the return of the Lord, we get both perfection of body and soul in one instant, we will constantly be both the offender and the offending. And therefore it is crucial that we know how precisely to conduct ourselves when we are on the one hand the offender, and on the other hand when we are the offended. The Apostle Paul assumed that in the most mature churches, all of the saints of God would be both offenders and offended. This is why in setting out, the lifestyle of those who are in Christ in Ephesians chapter 4, Paul says to all believers, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. He assumes that in this church, that will internalize all the glorious truths of the book of Ephesians, they will still be a church in which they will offend and be offended. They will need to seek, forgiveness, and they will need to extend forgiveness. So I propose to set out this biblical council, under these three major headings.

13:16 The first this morning, and then God willing when my wife and I return from our trip to Michigan, which we hope to start tomorrow, then I will complete the other two. Words of counsel for us when we are the offender, when we've done wrong to another. Then words of counsel for us, when we, are the offended, when someone has wronged us. And then words of counsel for us, whether we are the offender or the offended.

All Sin is Ultimately Against God, But Also Against Man

13:46 All right, then this morning, words of counsel for us when we are the offender, that is when we are the one who has sinned against another. Now at the outset, I remind you that all sin is ultimately, fundamentally, and truly, against God. All sin. Think of David.

14:12 He committed the sin of adultery and murder by proxy. What was his sin at the horizontal level? He shattered the two-one flesh relationship between Uriah and his wife. He took away the virtue of Bathsheba.

14:32 He took away the life of that noble soldier, Uriah. Horrible sins. Some of the most heinous sins at the human level, adultery, murder. And yet David had the nerve to pray, in the language of Psalm 51, Against you God, and you only have I sinned and done that which is evil in your sight.

15:06 All sin of any kind, is ultimately, fundamentally, and truly sin against God. And with the emphasis upon horizontal sin and horizontal forgiveness, let us never forget that fundamental issue. That's why some of you are not yet converted. You've never seen your sin as against God.

15:29 Against the puny little creature. Against almighty, infinitely holy, just, transcendent, sovereign Lord of the universe. You saw it for a moment. You trembled in your seat this morning.

15:53 Give yourself no rest until you knew that you were right with that God. We must never forget, no matter what the nature of our sins against one another may be, sin is essentially fundamental. Fundamentally, ultimately against God. And we must deal with it that way.

16:15 And before going to one another, we must have hard dealings with our God concerning our sins. However, the Bible makes it clear that many of our sins are also sins against our fellow men, against our brothers and sisters, against our husbands, wives, children, work associates, etc., etc. And I want to say, I want us to focus this morning on what graces are needed if we are to deal biblically with our offenses against others.

16:49 We are the offenders. What graces do we need if we are to deal biblically with our offenses? We're brother A who is offending brother B. We're going to leave brother B for the next message, God willing.

17:07 I want us to... Concentrate our thinking upon this fundamental question.

Grace 1: Humility and a Passion for Christ-likeness (Approachable Offender)

17:14 What graces do you need? What graces do I need if you and I are going to establish a pattern of dealing biblically when we are the offenders? And I have three heads in answer to that question. Number one.

17:33 We must pray for the grace of humility and a passion... A passion for likeness to Jesus that will make us approachable, willing and eager to be shown our sins against one another.

17:55 We must pray for the grace of humility and a passion for likeness to Jesus that will make us approachable, willing and eager to be shown our sins against one another.

18:17 Think with me.

18:20 You have sinned against your brother, your sister. As a husband, you spoke sharp words to your wife that you know were sinful.

18:30 You can rationalize but and if and and, but at the end of the day, you know you spoke in a way that was sinful. You know that if your wife is thinking biblically, she's thinking about you. In the book of Matthew 18, 15, if your brother sinned against you, go, seek to convict him of his fault between you and him alone. You know she has every right and a moral obligation to come to you and say, Honey, those words were not words of kindness and gentleness.

19:07 They were not words that reflected the Spirit of God upon your lips, but your old native natural person, what you were in Adam. You know you stand to be rebuked if your brother sinned against you. Rebuke him. Luke 17 and verse 3.

19:26 Now, your wife, the person you've offended, has a heart suffused with a genuine Christ-imparted love for you. They have not reacted fighting fire with fire. They've been grieved. And in spite of being grieved and hurt by your sharp words, they love you.

19:52 They don't want to see you go on in that sin that is going to grieve the Holy Spirit, is going to some degree cut off the livingness of your own communion with the Lord Jesus. Furthermore, their heart is bathed in a Christ-like disposition of longing to extend forgiveness and repair the fractured relationship. You get the picture? Here, husband A has sinned with his words against wife B.

20:22 She has in her heart Christ-like love for this character. She has a Christ-imparted disposition of longing to forgive. Now, let me ask you something. Will her ability to do what she's supposed to do go convince him of his fault between her and him alone?

20:46 In the language of Luke 17, go and rebuke him with a view that if he repents to forgive him, will it make any difference? In terms of how readily, how quickly, how cheerfully she'll go, if husband A has the reputation for being like a loaded gun, hair-trigger temper, proud, self-defensive, unwilling to see himself and his sins for what they are, or if he is known to be one who welcomes her coming to him, pointing out his sins, he has such a disposition of God-given humility and a passion to be like Jesus that anyone who can point out his sins is his friend and he loves him. Now, let me ask you, does it make any difference in how quickly, how confidently, how cheerfully she's going to go to her husband in terms of his earned reputation for responding to obedience to Matthew 18 and Luke 17?

22:12 You follow me? Are you where I'm at? Now, what kind of climate have you created between your husband and your wife, between you and your children, between you and your fellow church members? Have you earned the reputation for walking in such humility that your disposition is that of the psalmist?

22:38 Let the righteous smite me. It shall be accounted as oil upon my head. Someone comes to smite me, it's like he took a flask of oil and poured it on my head. Psalm 141 and verse 5.

22:56 Or have you earned the reputation, let the righteous even touch me, and he will be met with self-justification, retaliation, finger-pointing, equivocation. My dear Christian brother or sister, what reputation have you earned? I'm not sure. Robert Burns wrote the words, Would some power the gift would give us to see ourselves as others see us?

23:35 God has given you that power. For some of you, that power sits right next to you, less than six inches away. Yours is 10,000 miles away, Julie. It's your husband.

23:49 It's your wife. Next to God, no one knows you better than your husband or your wife. Would you dare to go home this afternoon and look hubby straight in the eye and say with judgment day honesty, dear, I want you to answer me. And don't spare me.

24:13 Is my overall pattern of response to having you point out my offenses one of humility and such a passion to be like Jesus that when you point out my faults, you're my dearest friend? Or am I bristly, proud, justifying? I ask you, husband, wife, dare to go home and look your wife in the eye and ask her to do it. Look your husband straight in the eye and ask him.

24:52 Look mom and dad straight in the eye and ask them. That's the power God has given you to see yourself as others see you. Start in the domestic sphere. Start in the domestic sphere.

25:09 Since you're going to be an offender, I'm going to be an offender until I die. I need the grace of humility and such a power and such a passion for likeness to Jesus that it's easy for people to come to me and tell me where I've offended them. Isn't that unreasonable? Is it true?

25:43 Is it not true? If you won't go and ask your husband or wife, why not? I'll tell you why. You're pretty sure what the answer's going to be.

25:57 And in your pride, you don't want to face it. You say, well, I'm not proud. I'm just hypersensitive. You know what hypersensitivity is?

26:06 Shorten it down. It's pride. I've got an image of myself and I don't want it marred by what you think of me. Your criticism exposes me and makes me know that you see me in some other way than I see myself.

26:24 Hypersensitivity is pride. Nothing but stinking rotten pride that needs to be nailed to Christ's cross. If you and I are going to be God's counterculture in a world of dog-eat-dog and hatred and bitterness and resentment and vengeful attitudes, if we're to be like that city that I described in the introduction, then we need tons of the grace of humility and a passion for likeness to Jesus. That will make us approachable and willing to be shown our sins against one another. But then secondly, as offenders, here's the second thing we must ask God for. We must pray for a tender conscience with respect to our sins against one another and maintain a willingness to initiate the actions that lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. I'll give it to you again.

Grace 2: Tender Conscience and Willingness to Initiate Reconciliation

27:51 We must pray for a tender conscience with respect to our sins against one another and maintain a willingness to initiate the actions that lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. Now, we've examined the teaching of Matthew 18, 15 and Luke 17, 3 or 4. In both of those passages, the offended wife, B, takes the initiative to come to husband, A. She has been sinned against.

28:25 She's going to convict him of his fault. She has been sinned against. She's going to rebuke him with love, with a yearning to forgive, not to beat him over the head. The initiative lies with the offended.

28:40 But that's not the whole story. I want you now to open your Bibles with me to Matthew chapter 5. I've quoted a number of verses. I now want you to get this text through the eye gate as well as the ear gate.

28:55 In Matthew 5, 23 and 4, it is the offender, it's wife, A, who's commanded to take the initiative to go. I'm sorry, the offender, yes, who's taken the initiative to go to the offended in order to own his sin, to ask and obtain forgiveness, leading to a healing of the breach caused by sin. Let's look more closely at the passage. What's the context of this directive?

29:27 Well, the context is Jesus is giving the first of five directives beginning with the words, You have heard that it was said, but I say unto you. In each of those passages, Jesus is correcting the truncated, twisted meaning placed upon the specific precept of God by the official teachers in Israel. They took the diamond of God's law and encrusted it in mud. And people thought the mud was the diamond.

30:04 Jesus said, You've heard that it was said, the mud is this, but the diamond is this. And he breaks off the mud and said, Here's the full intention of God's pure, holy law. And the first one is the commandment, You shall not kill. They had so interpreted it that all that commandment meant was, You must not plunge the knife in a man's breast.

30:29 You must not pick up the gun and shoot him in the temple. You must not push his car over a cliff. If you don't actually take the life of another, you're keeping this commandment. But Jesus is telling them, No.

30:45 That commandment not only forbids the actual taking of the life of another, he shows that that command forbids not only the ultimate expression of ill will to another, but anything that would lead to it or be expressive of it. So he says, But I say unto you, that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be in danger of the judgment. When there is sinful anger, it is that anger which, if nursed and not checked, results in murder, so the commandment touches the spring as well as the fountain. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Racha, a term of great derision that has the spirit of murder, I could wish you were dead. If my words could kill, here's my dagger, Racha, foo! You ought to be put out of your misery. He says, That's the spirit of murder.

31:43 This command touches that. But then notice, when he comes to verse 23, he says, If therefore, he hasn't changed the subject, he wants us to see that that command, you shall not kill, not only forbids the ultimate act of taking the life of another, the grosser forms of an inward disposition of anger and of ill will, a derisive, mean spirit toward another expressed in words, but it goes even further. He's now going to teach us that if there is anything that is causing a barrier between me and another, that thing, if not mortified, could be nursed until it too could be expressed in taking the life of another. So he says, If therefore, you're offering your gift at the altar and there remember your brother has something against you, leave your gift before the altar, go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift. Well, we've looked at the context of the directive now.

32:52 What is the content of this directive? Well, I'm going to open up the content under two simple headings, the situation envisioned and then the specific directives given. Here's the situation envisioned. A man has come to the temple and he obviously is someone who is not a mere formalist.

33:14 His body's in the temple, his hands in the temple, but his heart and his mind are down fishing at the lake. This man's come to the temple to have dealings with God. He's bringing a gift. He's bringing something that is an expression of his gratitude for the mercy and kindness of God in covenant love to him.

33:32 He's a true Israelite in his heart. And as he draws near to the temple and especially to the altar, the very altar on which the priest would place his gift, is the altar where sacrifices would be burned. It was the altar of sacrifice. And as he thinks of the sacrifice that is also placed on that altar and the wonder of God's grace in taking the life of the innocent that the guilty might be spared and his mind is filled with the thought of God's goodness and mercy and forgiving grace, as he has a heightened, intensified awareness of heart dealings with God, suddenly his conscience is sensitized. Uh-oh. Brother A has reason to have something against me. Maybe I spoke a harsh word to him.

34:27 Maybe I wasn't completely honest in the business dealing with him. Whatever it was in the context of having more intimate, heightened communion with God, the conscience is sensitized. And he realizes, here is someone who would have every reason to come to me, Matthew 18, 15, Luke 17, there is a legitimate issue. He has something against me.

34:54 It's not a mere thought, something spun out of his own head. There is a substantive issue against me. What does Jesus say the person is to do? Look at the five verbs of action, and not a one of them is prayer.

35:11 Look at the language. Leave there your gift before the altar. Go your way. First be reconciled to your brother.

35:23 Then come and offer your gift. Five verbal constructions. Leave, go, be reconciled, come and offer. Now what's the principle?

35:39 The principle is this. The people of God who are concerned about heart worship are to maintain a sensitive conscience with respect to their sins against one another and be willing to initiate the actions that lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. That's what our Lord is saying. That is the responsibility of each one of us who at one time or another is going to be the offenders.

36:13 This man before the altar with his gift is the offender. His conscience is sensitive. Why he hadn't thought of it before, we don't know. Maybe it was an inadvertent oversight.

36:25 Maybe he willfully pushed it to one side. It's no big deal. Who should worry about that thing? Everyone does this.

36:32 Everyone does that. But in seeking to have dealings with God, his conscience is sensitized. He said, no, no. I can't have dealings with God until I set that thing right.

36:42 And so he goes. And he sets it right. And then with a clean conscience and with the confidence he's right with his fellow man, he comes and he offers his gift unto his God. Now that's a responsibility Jesus lays upon you and me when we are the offenders.

37:03 I don't often get personal testimonies in preaching. One of the best compliments ever paid to me a number of years ago was when a man said, I've listened to hundreds of your tapes, but I don't know too much about you. I said, good. We preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus is Lord.

37:21 But I'm going to tell him myself. God alone knows the times. And I've gone up into my study to have my time alone with God or to go to my desk to pray for God's help in sermon preparation when conscience got active. And I know that half hour before or whatever it was, that word I spoke to my wife had an edge on it that wasn't Christ-like.

37:52 It had an edge that wasn't deserved by anything she did. It was a manifestation of my own remaining sin. God alone knows the times I've had to leave that study, find my wife wherever she was in the house and say, sweetheart, and I know she's listening, I sinned against you. You didn't deserve to have me speak with that edge of sharpness.

38:21 Will you forgive me? And the response has always been, well, of course, I freely forgive you. Then I come and offer my gift until it has become a way of life. There are some of you sitting here who know at the end of sermons more than once, before I could lead in prayer, I've had to confess some sinful overstatement in my preaching because when I bowed to lead you in prayer at the end of a sermon, my heart smoked me and I couldn't pray until I acknowledged my sin.

39:06 This is not theory, dear people. This has got to become a way of life. Is it with you? Can your wife attest that this is a way of life with her husband?

39:29 Can your husband attest that this is a way of life with you? If not, why not? The words of Jesus are plain. If you come to offer your gift, there remember, leave your gift, go, be reconciled, come and offer.

39:51 You don't need to know a word of Greek to understand those five verbal directives. They're plain as the nose on our face. No, the issue is, we either have an insensitive conscience that thinks it can have dealings with God while there are unresolved issues with one another or we're too stinking proud. What does God think then of your confession of sin in the secret place when you're not willing to humble yourself and confess your sin to those made in His image?

40:26 James reasons from one to the other. He said, how can you bless God and curse men made in His image? How can you be confessing to God and not be willing to confess to those in His image? That's why John is bold enough to say if a man says he loves God and doesn't love his brother, he's a liar.

40:48 He has no true religion. Oh, how much sham play religion exists in the world. But dear people, we're to be a community where as forgiven sinners, having been broken and humbled before the God of the universe, it's no big deal to be broken and humbled before one another. I've never understood it when people have come to me after an incident like I've mentioned, confessing an overstatement or something that wasn't perfectly true to make myself look better, whatever it was, and want to build a monument to me like I'm some super spiritual hero.

41:32 To me, the easiest thing is to own my faults. The hard thing is not to do it again. That's the hard thing. That's the hard thing.

41:42 Why is there not more of it among us, dear people? Why? Let your conscience answer, why not? If we are going to be offenders until we're taken home to glory, then we must cry to God.

Grace 3: Genuine Repentance and Wisdom in Expressing It

42:02 Cry to God for the spirit of humility and for that passion to be like Christ, strong enough to make us open and willing to receive those who will point out our sins against them. And secondly, we must pray for that grace to experience sensitivity of conscience regarding our sins against one another and a willingness to initiate the actions that will result in forgiveness and reconciliation. But then thirdly, here's my third word of counsel to us as offenders. We must pray for the grace to experience genuine repentance and for the wisdom to express that repentance and seek forgiveness in such a way that makes it easy for the person whom we've offended to forgive us. I give it to you again. We must pray for the grace to experience genuine repentance and for the wisdom to express that repentance and seek forgiveness in such a way

43:30 as to make it easy for the offended brother to forgive us. Remember the truth we established from the Bible last Lord's Day? I hope you do. That the offended party has both the right and the responsibility to assess the genuineness and sincerity of the professed repentance of the offended party before conferring forgiveness.

43:58 Bound up in those two texts. If your brother sinned against you, tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you must make the judgment. Has he truly heard me?

44:08 Has he owned the sin? Is there evidence of repentance for that sin? Is there evidence of sincerity in seeking forgiveness? If your brother sins against you, rebuke him.

44:22 If he repents, forgive him. The offended has a right and a responsibility to assess. Is he repenting? We looked at the example in 2 Corinthians chapter 2 of Paul in the Corinthian church with regard to that incestuous man who had been disciplined and subsequently repented and how these principles are patent in that passage in 2 Corinthians chapter 2.

44:46 Now then, that being so, I'm the offender and I realize I have a well instructed brother. Whom I've offended and my heart is broken. I've asked God's forgiveness. And now I want to go and seek His forgiveness.

45:02 What must I ask God for? I must pray for the grace to experience genuine repentance for that sin and the wisdom to express that repentance and seek His forgiveness in such a way as to make it easy for Him to forgive. And on what basis? Do I give you that counsel?

45:27 Well, I'd let the whole thing rest simply on Matthew 7, 12. And as you would that others should do unto you even so do ye also unto them for this is the law and the prophets. Let's go back to husband and wife again. I'm picking on the husbands and wives.

45:47 I know some of you are single and can't relate to this the same way but I think it's the easiest way to try to flesh out the principle. Husband has spoken sharp words to his wife. Her wife's been pouting about something she had no business to pout about. She's trying to manipulate with her lower lip.

46:05 And the husband in times past the lower lip out has meant an erosion of his principle to stand. So she's trying to manipulate with her lower lip. Of course, no woman here does that. But this is just theoretical.

46:20 It's totally theoretical. Out there, up here, over there, somewhere. All right? There's been an offense.

46:27 Now, in making that thing right, is it easier, is it easier for hubby to extend forgiveness if wife comes and says, Dear, I've done it again. I've done it again. That old pattern of my lower lip trying to yank your chain and push your buttons with my lower lip. I'm crying to God to help me but dear, forgive me.

46:54 I've bucked you on an issue. I had no right to buck you. You had every right. It was reasonable.

46:59 You dealt with me like a reasonable person and I went back to my old lower lip pattern. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? Well, any man who won't say, Sweetheart, you are forgiven. Something wrong with him.

47:12 But suppose she just comes and says, Honey, I know I shouldn't have bucked you on that. Forgive me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

47:21 A little bit hard for me to say, I forgive you. Where's the evidence that she's really repented and owned the reality of her sin in this cavalier way just to say, I shouldn't have stuck out my lower lip. Will you forgive me? He's got every right to say, Whoa, whoa.

47:37 Wait a minute, honey. Let's just wait a minute here. Do you realize what you were doing? What do you mean I realized what I was doing?

47:43 I told you I knew what I was doing. I stuck out my lower lip. Forgive me. And now she gets real biffy.

47:47 Biffy, biffy, biffy, biffy, biffy, biffy. He gets all the more suspicious. You see what I'm talking about? Of course, nobody here.

47:53 That never happens here. Never happens here. It's all theoretical. Good to God it were.

48:01 But things of that nature happen. And what I'm saying is, since we are going to be the offenders, we need to cry to God to work in us a genuine repentance and then the wisdom to express that repentance and seek forgiveness from the offended one in such a way that will make it easy for them to say, That looks like real repentance, real grief, real sorrow, real grief, real seeking of forgiveness. I'd be a coward. I mean a cur and the word won't come to me.

48:36 Something bad if I don't extend forgiveness when someone comes like that. And you find this in the Bible. So I would not only rest my case on Matthew 7, 12 as you would that others do to you. I want others to make it easy.

48:50 I want to forgive. No greater joy than to forgive. But I have no right to extend forgiveness unless they're hearing me, unless they're repenting. According to the Bible, I have no right to confer forgiveness if there's no repentance.

49:08 I've got to be willing if there isn't evidence in the way it's expressed of real repentance. I have a responsibility to press the issue. Remembering all the qualifications I gave last week. Visitors here, I know you're thinking, Well, that could be abused.

49:22 And I said, Yes, it can be. And I gave three parallel lines of biblical evidence that will keep us from abusing it. But I want you to turn with me to one Old Testament passage and one New Testament passage to see this illustrated. We're going to go to the book of Hosea, the prophet Hosea, in chapter 14.

49:48 You remember the horrible sin of Israel is symbolically set forth in the prophet's wife being unfaithful, and yet he loves her still, going to enter back into a marriage covenant with her. We read in chapter 14, these words, O Israel, return unto the Lord your God, for you have fallen by your iniquity. Take with you words and return unto the Lord. Full stop.

50:30 That's it. All you need to know is God is merciful. He's ready to forgive. Go with words and return.

50:38 No. God coaches Israel. Look, He coaches her. Gives her verbal coaching.

50:45 Take with you words. Say unto Him. Take away all iniquity. Accept that which is good.

50:54 So will we render as bullocks the offering of our lips. Assyria shall not save us. We will not ride upon horses. Neither will we say any more to the work of our hands.

51:05 You are our gods, for in you the fatherless find mercy. You see what the prophet is doing? In the name of Jehovah, he is telling Israel the kinds of words that will be expressive of true repentance. And he says, take words and say.

51:24 We find a similar example in the well-known story of the prodigal son, Luke 15. The great purpose of this parable is to show that God in Christ welcomes sinners. But in so doing, we must remember that this was a repentant sinner, though the word repentance is not used in the parable of the prodigal. It's used in the two previous parables, organically united to it.

51:56 Joy in heaven over one sinner that repents. But he's obviously a penitent son. And look at the language of verses 18 to 21. I will arise and go to my father, now notice, and will say, unto him.

52:15 He thought out the language that would express his repentance and his return. I will say unto him, Father, I sinned against heaven and in your sight. I am no more worthy to be called your son. Make me as one of your hired servants.

52:37 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was yet afar off, his father saw him and moved with compassion and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight. I am no more worthy to be called your son.

52:57 What did he do? He used the words that he had conceived in his mind while yet in the far country. He didn't just come home and blabber. He thought what words will express the true disposition of my heart.

53:16 What words will be a bridge from where I am to where my father is and persuade him that I'm a different young man. And this is all I'm pleading for. That as we will continually be the offenders, we need to pray for the grace both to experience true repentance for our sins against one another, that will flavor the whole tone and attitude with which we come. It won't be like the little petulant child who's being forced to confess his sin to his brother or sister.

53:58 I was wrong, forgive me. No, we will cry to God that there would be a touching of the deepest springs of our hearts and then for wisdom to express the eternal disposition of repentance and seek forgiveness in such a way that will make it easy for the offended brother or sister to forgive us. Make it easy. Make it easy.

54:32 Did you ever think of that? I venture to say there's probably many that said I never gave any thought to that. Well, I hope you will. I hope you will.

54:42 Because you're going to be the offender and there will be offended ones. To whom you must come. And since they must make an evaluation of whether what you express is indeed a reflection of hearing them, a reflection of true repentance, make it easy. Make it easy.

The Seven A's of True Confession

55:03 By the disposition with which you come and the words by which you clothe the acknowledgement of your sin and seeking of repentance. There is a group of people called Peacemaker Ministries. It's a para-church ministry that specializes in trying to help people resolve conflicts. Individuals, groups, organizations, etc.

55:34 It was very interesting in one of their pamphlets they have as one of the foundation stones in their approach to this matter of conflict resolution between brothers and sisters. The seven A's of true confession. Seven things beginning with A. Let me read them to you.

55:57 Address everyone involved. Everyone who's been affected by your sin be prepared to address them. If you've offended one, address the one. If you've offended the whole family, if you blew your cork in front of your kids as well as your wife, gather the kids with the wife.

56:15 Address everyone involved. Second A, avoid. If, but, and maybe. Don't excuse your wrong.

56:24 Well, dear kids, Daddy blew his cork, but. But, but, but, but, but. No buts. Daddy blew his cork, but if.

56:36 And then there's the blame shifting. No. Daddy sinned by not controlling his spirit. And Solomon said, A man who doesn't control his spirit is like a city with its walls broken down.

56:51 Daddy's walls were down. And he has no excuse. He asks you to forgive him and to pray for him that he will have more self-control. Address everyone involved.

57:06 Avoid, if, but, and maybe. Third A, admit specifically. Admit specifically both attitudes and actions. I came home with a sour spirit.

57:20 Sour spirit was manifest in such and such. Say to your wife, I was insensitive because I was so set on reading this book that I didn't catch any of your signals that you needed an hour with me to pour out your heart about a problem with the kids. Admit specifically. Fourth A, acknowledge the hurt.

57:45 Acknowledge the hurt. Stop long enough to think what your sin did to someone. In one of the books I read, the author was telling of an incident where in a public, semi-public setting, social group, he said something that was very demeaning and shameful to his wife. And she was deeply hurt.

58:05 And he picked up the signals, as any married couple should pick up those signals, and she just had an opportunity to give him a little specimen of how deeply she was hurt. And he gave a kind of cavalier, quick acknowledgement of his fault and asked forgiveness. And she said, Honey, I'm having trouble forgiving you. You simply don't know how deeply you offended me and hurt me.

58:28 He said, at that point, I stopped doing what I was doing and I listened to my wife. And when she was done, and I realized how deeply I had hurt her, how extensive was my wound, my confession was much broader and much more extensive, and her forgiveness was final and complete. Hmm? Acknowledge the hurt.

58:57 accept the consequences. Sometimes owning up to your sin. You kids, you know that the thing you did had a condition on it. You do this, you lose this privilege.

59:11 You know if you own up, the privilege is gone. You've got to be prepared in any true, thorough, honest dealing with one another. Accept the consequences. And then the next A, alter your behavior.

59:25 And I would say, in confession, express your determination to alter your behavior. I'm not going to wait until I can alter my behavior to get the thing right. So I have a little conflict with them there. And then the fast one, ask for forgiveness.

59:41 That's the seventh. Ask for forgiveness. When you've done these things, ask for forgiveness. And anyone who will not extend forgiveness who names the name of Christ, when someone has been willing to own their sin and deal with it thoroughly, I'm not necessarily endorsing those things.

59:59 I just throw them out to let you know. These are not some strange ideas that I've concocted in my brain because I've got on a forgiveness kick. There's a group of fine, godly Christians who are wrestling with this issue as they see churches, Christian organizations, and men and women apparently just encased in irreconcilable relationships. And as they've sought to go in with their Bibles, and have these things dealt with, these are the principles that they've discovered.

Summary of Counsels and Final Application

60:31 So I set before you these three words of counsel. When you are the offender, number one, you must pray for the grace of humility and a passion for likeness to Jesus that will make you approachable, willing, and eager to be shown your sin. In other words, someone approaching you, let them know they're approaching a pussycat and not an angry grizzly bear. If you've got a pet, a pussycat or a bear, which one are you going to go stroke?

61:10 Pray that God will give you a pussycat disposition of humility and willingness to have your sin shown to you when you've offended another. Secondly, you must pray for a tender conscience with respect to your sins against others and maintain a willingness to initiate the acts leading to forgiveness and reconciliation. I hope to work in an illustration here, but time is getting away from me. You must pray for the grace to experience genuine repentance and the wisdom to express that repentance and seek forgiveness in such a way that makes it easy for the brother to forgive.

61:53 Now I want to ask a question in my final application. What have you been thinking as I've been preaching here this morning? Don't say it out loud, but say it to yourself. I have been thinking blank.

62:10 What have you been thinking? Hmm? What have you been thinking as I've been attempting to open up the Word of God and give you counsels as to what you must pray for when you are the offender? What have you been thinking?

62:34 You've been sitting there thinking this stuff is ridiculous. Who in the world takes sin that seriously? I mean, come off it. My friend, listen to me.

62:49 If you've seen your sin in the light of God's burning holiness, if you've seen your sin in the light of Golgotha and the incarnate God impaled like we heard in the previous hour, stripped naked, His face confused, His body ripped open, the heavens shrouded in blackness, His soul plunged into the horrors of forsakenness by God, the air split with His cry, My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? You see your sin in the light of Golgotha, and you'll never sit through a sermon like this and say this is ridiculous. Jesus died to have a people who take seriously the sin for which He died. The true child of God whose mind is persuaded, yes, I see, there's nothing unreasonable in these things. I must seek to incorporate them.

64:13 The minute you do that, then you're going to be driven back to another fundamental principle. Listen to the words of Jesus. Without me, you can do nothing. Nothing!

64:27 Don't you set out to cultivate these three graces. Out of the storehouse of what you can natively bring to them, you'll end up frustrated and cynical. But the Jesus who said, without me you can do nothing, led His servant Paul to say, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The Lord Jesus Christ can give you and give me these graces until they become part and parcel of who we are.

65:03 And can you think what a climate that is in a dog-eat-dog world full of hate and bitterness and ill-will to come among the people? And I will close with this illustration where here's a brother who came to worship this morning and he remembered during the Sunday school hour, I really have something against Brother Jones. I ought to go to him, so I'm going to seek him out between Sunday school and church. And here's Brother Jones.

65:33 He'd been sick. He's sitting there and he's thought of Matthew 5. Does your brother have ought against you? He said, I know my brother.

65:41 He's got reason to have something against me. I'm going to seek him out between Sunday school and church. And then they happened to be coming toward one another down in the foyer. And Brother Jones and we'll call the other one Brother Smith, their eyes meet and they come to each other and Brother Jones says, Brother Smith, I've been looking for you.

65:57 Brother Smith, I've been looking for you. Why? Why are you looking for me? Oh, because God is laying on my heart.

66:03 You did something. Brother, I'm here because the spirit of, you see what I'm talking about. They ought to meet one another. Each one seeking to obey the biblical principle.

66:13 Each one with a heart overflowing with the grace of God in Christ. Is it too much to expect that somebody's going to bump heads with somebody in the foyer someday in the future? Not if God's grace is at work. It's wonderful.

66:30 It's wonderful to have a climate where the barriers are down. Because we're dealing biblically with our offenses one against another. May God help us. May God help us.

66:43 Let's pray. Oh, our Father, our hearts leap within us when we think of what your grace can do with natively proud, stubborn, self-justifying, blame-shifting sinners. And make us willing to be honest with our sins before you, before one another, and apply the grace that flows out of Calvary and into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Gracious God, while we thank you that we do not know of any pockets of ill will among us, we pray that you would give us more and more of these graces that we may be marked as a forgiven people who are a forgiving people. Seal your word to our hearts, and may this word bear abundant fruit in the days to come. To the praise of our Lord Jesus Christ we ask it. Amen.