Peculiar Temptations to Domestic Incompetency

Introduction: Peculiar Ministerial Temptations to Domestic Incompetence

0:02 All right, now, second major division of our lecture today, the peculiar ministerial temptations to domestic incompetence.

0:15 The peculiar ministerial temptations to domestic incompetence. Now before I address several of them specifically, let me say by way of introduction that we do have some distinct advantages in comparison with the rank and file of our people who put in their hours at the shop, at the office, and wherever they may go, and however much time it takes them to get there and back. If our studies are in our homes, we can see our wives more frequently, we can see our children more frequently, we can let them pop in when they come home from school and chat with us a little. Give them a little loving up and a smooch and pat them on the rump and send them out again as we go back to work. We have greater exposure to the general domestic climate, and so there are advantages, but there are peculiar ministerial temptations to domestic incompetence. And let me articulate some of them.

Temptation to Rationalize Domestic Failures

1:25 Number one, or a large letter A under Roman numeral II. The peculiar ministerial temptations, large letter A, the temptation to rationalize failures in domestic competence in the light of successes in the realm of ministerial competence.

1:53 The temptation to rationalize areas of domestic incompetence in the light of ministerial competence. You see, this is to set apparent blessing in one area as a neutralizer to our evident sins and failures in another area. And whatever successes God gives us, our successes never become our saviors. Only the blood of Christ cleanses from sin, and only the grace of the Spirit enables us to overcome sin.

2:38 So we must never think to cancel sin by ministerial success or to overcome sin by ministerial success. When an ordinary Christian chooses between an evening with his family or an evening at the local pub, the issues are quite clear, and his conscience should scream at him if he chooses to spend an evening at the pub bending his elbow with the boys rather than spending it at home with his wife and his kids. But when a servant of Christ makes the choice between an evening of fun and games with his kids or visiting a distressed saint, the issues are blurred. And he can very easily justify neglecting the promised evening with the kids because, quote, the work of the ministry demands that I minister to this distressed sheep and so domestically. The schools are asking that committing adultery of the earth be divorced from our house is максимally lawful.

4:01 The thoughts of the mof representing Jesus being being stumble sacrifices flood нeyr with erratic thoughts. DisINSSABLING DIVIN ל Cum innovation. NO, it's not immoral! Comm simplistic WILL.

4:10 Who wants us to allow them to go in hell together! Where an excellent man겁 the house for the purpose of believing in death? He's no government, oh he's wrong. He's Barbie and the embellishment tends to be in the 19th century at the end of the decade by the years he's the next generation.

4:14 That is why fasting and physical수를ism consumes incredibly numerous months to drop food and out of his body with no Tiger. In this way it helps them develop a more triumphant life. God to this mentality is, to obey is better than to sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. You are called upon to sacrifice privileges, luxuries, and liberties, but never to sacrifice duties. You either perform or neglect your duties. And the same God who has laid upon you the care of the flock has charged you with the care of your little flock. Fathers, nurture your children.

4:51 Now the rationalizing comes to light not only in the apportionment of our time, but in the toleration and justification of unchristian attitudes and actions. The man who comes from the heated office amidst the ungodly and carries the spirit of quick speech and sharpness, speech into his Christian home, his conscience screams at him, and he says, Dear children, forgive me. Daddy has been around all day, people who cuss at one another and speak harshly to one another, and something of that has rubbed off on my own spirit, and I'm sorry that I spoke sharply. Whereas you come perhaps from a day dealing with someone who's entrenched himself in an area of carnality, and you've been pouring out your soul and feelings, and you've been pouring out your soul and feelings, and you've been pouring out your soul and feelings, and you've been pouring out your soul and feelings, and you've been pouring out your feeling with the muck and the filth of sin. Maybe you've been insulted, and there have been tremendous emotional pressures for the ministry, and you come home, and you're short and quick with the children and with your wife, and then what happens? You say, Well, Daddy's not quite what he ought to be. The burden of the ministry has gotten to me. Oh, is that so? Does the Bible say the fruit

6:09 of the ministry is anger, wrath, or does it say the works of the flesh? You see the temptation to rationalize? Those are peculiar ministerial temptations that the guy who's the ordinary sheep doesn't have. You and I have those temptations, and brethren, we must face them for what they are. Our task is to be like Christ, and if the burdens of the ministry have left us with a little emotional energy left, and we don't appropriate the grace available to us in Christ, then let's call our shortness, our quickness, our illness, and our ill-temperedness, let us call it sin, and let us never blame it upon the sacred task of shepherding the flock of God. He that covers his sin shall not prosper, even when he covers it with rationalizations rooted in ministerial duties. So that's the first temptation, the temptation

Temptation to Be Insensitive to Wife's Pressures

7:09 to rationalize regarding our domestic failures in the light of our apparent ministerial successes or ministerial demands. But then there's a second temptation, peculiar to us, in the area of seeking to undermine domestic competence, and it's this, the temptation to be insensitive to the special pressures brought upon our wives and children because we are ministers. The temptation to be insensitive to the special pressures brought upon our wives and children because we are ministers. Now, let's consider, first of all, the wife. The scripture tells us in 1 Peter 3, 7, Husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor unto her as unto the weaker vessel. It does not say despise her because she's weaker, but give her special honor because she is weaker. Now, think for a moment, and you'll see that there's a lot of people who are

8:20 of the emotional pressures that are brought to bear upon your wife because she was stupid enough to marry you, naive enough to marry you, or whatever else led her to say I do to the likes of you and my wife to say I do to the likes of me. If we are one, regardless, and we'll discuss this at some other time in greater depth, regardless of what you decide is the level of the emotional pressure that you ought to make her aware of the particulars of the work that you're doing as an elder, and that will vary in every situation. Whether because she enters in at a very deep level to the particulars of your labor, or whether she simply stands by your side as a blotter absorbing some of the emotional heat to change the imagery, some of the emotional mud and muck, that is pressed out of you under the general pressures of the ministry, the fact that you are an elder in Christ's flock, bearing the flock of God upon your heart, means that the emotional pressures brought to bear upon you will be shared by that one to whom you are joined in the bonds

9:43 of marriage. Now, coupled with that additional pressure, it is often the case that your position puts her in a place where she cannot have the normal circle of intimate friends that an ordinary member of the flock can have. Now, I did not say of necessity, but I said often it works out that way. In one of the areas where a pastor's wife pays a tremendous price is in the area of loneliness.

10:18 Circumstances may be such that it is not expedient for her to develop intimate friendships, that make it possible for her to just spill her guts. So what happens? She's got additional pressures coming from the direction of her identity with you. She doesn't have the normal outlets and consolations that come because of her position at your side. She's got a two-fold emotional vice, two jaws pressing in upon her. And what happens? Many a preacher is so utterly taken up with his personal life, that he is not able to do anything about it. He is not able to do his great ministry. He is insensitive to those emotional pressures. He does not dwell with his

11:07 wife according to knowledge. He does not seek to make up the lack of intimate friendship by being her trusted confidant and her blotter. He does not seek to give her those outlets and those diversions that will result in her emotional healing and what she needs. He does not seek to give her those outlets and those diversions that will result in her emotional healing and what she needs.

11:29 What happens? Well, she may become resentful. She may become vulnerable to a man who seems to be sensitive to her need. And the average woman, Christian or non-Christian, unless she's just someone who's a nymphomaniac or a harlot, the average woman is not attracted into a man's bed by his body. It's the man's soul that leads her into his bed.

12:04 I spoke recently to a woman who said a man could be 5'2 and 200 pounds, but if for five minutes he just looked at me and listened like my feelings mattered, I'd feel I'd be emotionally vulnerable to be an adulteress. I heard that in my own study less than two months ago. I wouldn't care what he looked like if there was just a male soul that showed an interest in me emotionally. Well, I fear when I hear that preachers' wives have run away, I wonder sometimes. I wonder why. Could it be? Could it be that there was insensitivity to those emotional pressures that left her vulnerable? But then there are physical

12:56 pressures upon the wife. If you're to be given to hospitality, who bears the brunt of the nuts and bolts of being given to hospitality, making sure the house looks as it ought to look?

13:14 No Christian house ought ever to be dirty, but a house with children will times of necessity be messy. And I thank God for a mother who brought me up teaching me the difference between dirt and mess. Mess can be tidied up relatively quickly. Accumulated dirt of six months can't be gotten rid of quickly. So, what does your wife have to do? If you have your study at home, as we've had for years, and the only access is right through the hallway, living room, see the dining room, the kitchen, up the stairs. If the bedroom doors are open, it's meant a particular pressure upon my wife that what may have been a legitimate messy room on any given day could not be that day because if someone came and that's the only time they saw it, they might assume it always looks that way. It might be the only time in a month it looked that way, but she couldn't afford that luxury. So, she had to alter her whole day around my schedule of appointments to meet with people. The physical pressures brought

14:16 to bear upon my wife. The physical pressures brought to bear upon being given to hospitality, the preparation of meals, etc. Well, you see, a man can be very insensitive to that. My ministry demands I be given to hospitality. And I tell you, more than once, I've had to sit on my hands, reminding to grab guys and shake them, when they're sitting in a living room, wanting to discuss theology, and I see his wife out in the kitchen, needing another set of hands or two more sets of hands, trying to prepare the meal. There are times when he didn't get the message. I've just excused myself. I've gone out right in his presence and said, may I help you? I don't care. I'm going to be Christ-like even if he isn't. And if it shows him up, let it show him up. If he doesn't get the message, then maybe I'll have to tell him. Or maybe when I leave, his wife will say, you know, it was so nice to have Pastor Martin come and help me. I've had preachers come to me and say, hey, you got me in trouble. I

15:08 said, what did I do? He said, well, after you left, your wife said, hey, Pastor Martin helped fix the meal, helped wash the dishes. Why don't you do that? And I said, yeah, why don't you?

15:20 Why don't you? That's right. That's right. Aren't we to provoke one another unto love and good works? Isn't that what the Bible says? Now, I know there are certain cultures where if you did that, you'd insult your wife. I know that. I'm fully aware of those differences. I've had to learn how to be sensitive to them as I've moved in different things. But the basic principle is, brethren, dwell with your wife according to knowledge. Don't be intemperate in your expectations of what she can do in any given day. Be sensitive to this in terms of your intimate sexual life. Remember, most of your work is mental, and hers is mental, emotional, and physical.

16:01 And after you've been holed up with your books all day, and then you feel her warm flesh to you at night, and you're not wearied physically, you're ready to go to it like a young buck. But she feels worn out and washed out, and just a nice peck on the cheek, thank you for the things you've done in the day is all she wants and all she's ready for and all she's got. So don't you start quoting 1 Corinthians 7 to her about rendering to you her due. You just peck her on the cheek, thank her for all the good things she does for you, and if you need to go out and take a walk or go upstairs and read Owen for a while, do it. That'll get you cooled down.

16:43 That's right. And listen, that doesn't stop when you pass 40. Right? I have to preach what I'm telling you to myself. A 52-year-old middle-aged man still has to tell himself he's sensitive to the emotional and physical pressures your wife bears because she's your wife and you're in the work of the ministry. And then seek to relieve her by a periodic break from the whole thing. My wife had little ones even before she drove at times when ten dollars was a lot of money in our budget, in anybody's budget. And just give her ten dollars and drop her off at Willowbrook and say, get lost. I'm coming back in four hours.

17:26 Don't you spend a dime of that for me or for the kids? If I didn't charge her to do that, she'd spend every last cent for us. A selfless woman will do that. And you say, you go blow ten bucks, do anything you want with it as long as it isn't sin. And you just have a good time and I'll pick you up in a few hours. Just give her a total break. She'll come back like a new person. Be sensitive, brethren. And the temptation is always there to be insensitive.

17:51 To the pressures upon her emotionally, physically, and then even spiritually. Even spiritually. Because she stands with you in the eyes of the congregation, she is always on a pedestal, even though you don't put her there and she doesn't put herself there. She just wants to be an ordinary, plain old wife and a mother. But in the eyes of the people, she's the pastor's wife and mother of the pastor's children.

18:23 That brings peculiar spiritual pressures upon her. And therefore you, as God's servant, must be a priest to her. I always have made it a rule of thumb. Can I preach into my wife's eyeballs as I move my eyes across the congregation with as much grip on her conscience as I can the eyeballs of the person sitting next to her? If I can't, if I'm speaking about the matters of the necessity of being concerned and loved, then I'm not a priest. I'm not a priest. I'm not a priest. I'm not a loving and sensitive and forgiving and all of those graces. Can I preach them to my wife's eyeballs and know that her conscience is on my side? Does she know me to be what others are always telling me I have heard that I am? They come to your wife and say, oh, how thankful we are that God brought your husband among us. He's such a wise counselor. I came to him last week and he helped me sort out

19:22 a problem that I... Does she sit there and say, oh, I'm not a priest. I'm not a pastor. I'm not a pastor. I'm not a pastor. I'm not a pastor. I'm not a pastor. I'm not a pastor. I'm not a pastor.

19:25 They say, would to God I knew what she's talking about. It must be nice. Does she know you to be what others say you are to them? When others say how thankful I am to know that your husband prays for us, that he labors in the secret place for our spiritual well-being, can your wife say, I know my husband prays for me? When they say it's so good to have a pastor who is a consistent example of strength, it's so good to have a pastor who is a consistent example of strength, selfless concern, and of true, practical, biblical godliness, can she say, ah, if you knew what I knew, you'd say that with a lot more conviction? Or does she have to say, if you knew what I knew, you'd take back your words?

Temptation to Submit to Unreasonable Demands of Wife

20:15 There are tremendous spiritual pressures upon her, brethren, and we must beware of the temptation to be insensitive to them. And then the final temptation that has to do with the wife is the temptation, and this is on the other side of the coin, the temptation to submit to demands of a wife not yet fully sympathetic with your labors as a minister of the gospel.

20:47 That's a peculiar ministerial temptation, the temptation to submit to unreasonable demands of a wife not yet fully sympathetic with the demands of your calling.

21:01 You see, a woman must grow into a woman who is not fully sympathetic to her understanding of what is demanded of you.

21:08 She must grow in her understanding of how crucial uninterrupted times are when you're wrestling, the kind of thing Dave mentioned, when you're struggling with organization, and you feel like the head is just about to crown, and something's about to get born, and your wife, in all good faith, comes in and talks about some innocuous little detail of something that's very important to her, but you've got to educate her, and say, now, dear, I'd love to have heard about that later, but you know what you just did? I had something that was about to get born, and now it's still born. It's gone back to stage one of labor. We were just about to have a cry, and now we've got to go back to the whole process again.

21:50 And some men who are afraid that their wives are going to react, what do they do? They capitulate. And before long, the wife's demands increase and increase until again his toes are in his own inimitable way. They become, the minister does, the lackey of the wife's every whim.

22:08 He says, can you imagine? Mrs. Elijah, just before Elijah goes out on Mount Carmel, saying, Elijah, take out the garbage!

22:19 Well, you see, a man who's conflicting with the forces of darkness and the host of Baal worship ought not at that point to be carrying out garbage because his wife wants the garbage out. My wife has a very subtle little way of making it known. She just always takes the plastic garbage bin that has a plastic bag in it, and when it's full, she just neatly ties it and she puts it just inside the kitchen door so that when it's convenient, I know it's ready to be carried out. But she would not think that knocking on the door and saying, honey, the garbage, no.

22:55 She has a subtle but very evident way of letting me know, and if I love her, I've come down to go wee-wee, it ain't going to hurt, it ain't going to hurt me, it ain't going to hurt me, if I see that, to get a little fresh air and carry the bag outside. You see, there are those ways, but you must instruct your wife. You must instruct her. And if she's not yet fully sympathetic, as you get locked into the ministry, beware of the temptation of causing your high calling to be eroded by her unreasonable demands.

23:24 All right? Oh, boy. We've gone an hour and five minutes. We've got to stop here for a minute, and then we'll get on the children.

Direct Temptations Related to Children: Pride and 'Big Shot-itis'

23:33 That shouldn't take us anywhere near as long, and then I want to give you some practical counsels. But let's take a break, brethren. All right?

23:41 All right. We're dealing now, brethren, in the second major division of the lecture with the peculiar ministerial temptations to domestic incompetence. And we dealt with the temptation to rationalize regarding our domestic failures in the light of our ministerial duties. And then secondly, we began to deal with the temptation to be insensitive to the special pressures brought upon our wives and children because we are ministers.

24:09 I dealt with the temptations as they touch the wife, now as they touch the children. And I have two major divisions of the material. Direct temptations with respect to our children, and then indirect or more subtle temptations with respect to our children. The direct temptations are two.

24:32 Number one, the inordinate attention heaped upon us because they are your children can lead to pride and to general brattishness if you're not careful. So there is the direct temptation because of the inordinate attention heaped upon them in virtue of your position.

25:00 Now, in a larger church, this is one of the benefits of a large church that isn't quite the same. There are so many kids and usually multiple leadership that your children don't receive quite the same profile. But most of you will start your ministries in a relatively small situation. You will be perhaps for a period of time the only teaching, ruling, preaching elder with a high profile and either out of ignorance of what fawning praise can do or in a sort of misguided way of showing their power or their love for you.

25:45 They will heap attention upon your children and you better monitor that very carefully. Be sensitive to the vulnerability it creates in the area of pride,

25:59 in the area of the children having a distorted view of themselves and their own importance.

26:10 Furthermore, people may indulge your children contrary to your own standards and your own standards not willfully but because you haven't made your standards known to them. So if you need to at a special congregational meeting say there's a rule in your house no sweets before meals therefore I'd appreciate it if you don't give my kids life savers, bubble gum, etc.

26:37 Tell your people. Do it with a smile. Say it sweetly. But tell them.

26:43 Say you don't want house rules broken in the house of God. You want your children's children to be surrounded with consistent standards of discipline and of conduct. So be aware that there can be this temptation because of the inordinate attention heaped upon them and growing out of that the temptation secondly to big shot-itis because they always see you in a prominent role. You know, it's like a little kid that comes up and says I don't know what you're doing but I don't know what you're doing.

27:18 I don't know what your daddy does but my daddy is the mayor. I don't know what your daddy does but my daddy is a police captain. And those kids like to brag about their daddies. Well, you'd be very sensitive to the fact that the naughtiness and the indwelling sin of your children may want to use your office of prominence as a stepping stone by which to set themselves up over their peers.

27:45 And they cultivate a kind of shared clerical swagger and importance.

27:56 And it's one of the difficulties that you've got to constantly wrestle with how can I neutralize in the lives of my children my high profile, a profile I've not sought, that I've not taken to myself out of wrong motives, but that has been thrust upon me in the will of God. But be sensitive to the fact that it does bring these two direct temptations upon themselves and upon your children inordinate attention that can lead to pride and brattishness and then it gives them a basis of trying to project themselves into a position of authority and bossiness amongst their peers. But then there are these more subtle indirect temptations and this is where I really want to park for a few moments.

Subtle Temptations Related to Children: Bitterness and Resentment

28:46 First of all, understand that they will be vulnerable to the temptation to being bitter and resentful because of the demands made upon your time.

29:00 The children of full-time elders are peculiarly vulnerable to the temptation to bitterness and resentment because of the demands made upon their daddy's time.

29:14 In many ways, we're like physicians and our children are like the children of doctors.

29:21 Plans are made and they have to be scrapped because of unavoidable quote professional duties. You don't schedule people's deaths.

29:33 So you've planned that family outing or you've planned that evening to spend with the kids and at 4.30 you get the news that one of the sheep in the congregation has just gone to glory or a loved one has just been admitted to the special care unit had a serious heart attack. The prognosis is they may not live for longer than an hour or two and just like the physician you've got to scrap what your plans were. And you must beware of being insensitive to that temptation and do everything possible to neutralize any legitimate grounds for bitterness and resentment.

30:13 Make it plain that you don't like those interruptions.

30:20 Make some fairly inflexible rules regarding family times. It was known years and years ago that from 5.30 to 7.30 you better have good reason to call the Martin household or you're in trouble with the head of that household.

30:36 That that was a time when the kids knew if the phone rings it's not somebody clamoring for daddy. We've got daddy from 5.30 to 7.30 every night except Saturday and Sunday.

30:50 So they feel important that they see you marking out time setting up some work and walls and protecting that time for them.

31:01 They see you do it with regard to preparation for worship ministering to God's people and if you do not manifest in practical ways that they are as important to you as your sheep are you're going to leave them vulnerable to bitterness and to resentment. So there's that more subtle temptation.

Subtle Temptations Related to Children: Discipline and Unrealistic Standards

31:25 There's another subtle temptation and that's the temptation to resist having wrong motives imposed upon them as you implement your discipline. The temptation to resent having wrong motives imposed upon them as you enforce discipline.

31:46 Now we are commanded to train and discipline our children for God's glory and for their good and that's enough.

31:57 Don't tell them now you must do this because daddy is a minister and if you don't daddy is a minister they begin to resent the fact that you're a minister because that seems to be like an extra piece of metal in the club that you're holding over them. Implement your discipline because it is right for you to do so. Now as they get older you may want to bring into bear as I had to do the fact that when a child begins to come of years of discretion to where he's weighing what am I going to live for? Is daddy's God going to be my God?

32:36 You may have to lay on their conscience if they choose to go in a course of riot or unruly while still minors in spite of your discipline in spite of your standards that they may force you out of the ministry until they're of age and they'll answer to God for it. You may have to lay that on their conscience and that's not theoretical brethren and don't let anybody load you with a sense of guilt that if that happens you failed. I was telling you one of the delights of having Pastor Seaton in my home was there's always some little jewel coming out of him and we were talking about this and he said you know Al he said those that take that position he said they insult God God says through Isaiah the prophet I have brought up children and they have rebelled against me who could be a better father than God? I never thought of that boom God says I have brought up they have rebelled they have rebelled against me are we going to say God was a bad father? It's blasphemous to entertain the thought. So as they get older you may have to so I'm not saying that may not be legitimate but I'm talking when they are younger don't create an unnecessary climate of resentment that you're a minister by making your office

34:03 a vital factor in the motivation by which and within which you discipline them. And then there is also the subtle temptation to resentment because of unrealistic standards and expectations of others simply because they're an elder's kids.

34:25 Temptation to resentment because time is interrupted. Temptation to resentment because wrong motives are imposed in discipline. Temptation to resentment because of unrealistic standards and expectations simply because they're PK's. You're an elder's?

34:46 You're an elder's child? And you break wind? Those child's don't do that. They can they can eat beans and never break wind.

34:58 Well, I've been a little coarse and ludicrous but that's really what it comes down to. Yeah, your kids eat beans they'll break wind it'll smell just as bad as the kids next to them whose daddies are not an elder.

35:14 And you must instruct your people that they must not lay on your children a standard that God has not laid upon them simply because they're your kids. Oh, a preacher's kid doesn't do that. Well, who says he doesn't? What is there about being an elder's kid that makes him something halfway between angel and human being?

35:39 Not a thing.

35:42 And you in your place of leadership must see to it that your people do not impose upon your children unrealistic standards. To this day I have to fight this. Because of the image people have of me they would impose certain things upon my son.

36:03 And I resent it. He's got to be his own man. And I brought him up to be his own man. And not to live under my shadow.

36:12 And that's no easy thing if God gives you a higher profile. And so he's come to maturity slower than I have. That's God's business and his business.

36:23 But I must not allow people to impose upon my children unrealistic standards simply because they are my children. They are your children. And you must instruct your people or they're going to resent this. Because rather than see God's standard and his yoke which is easy and his burden is light they find the yoke of the Pharisee which is always grievous to be born.

Subtle Temptations Related to Children: Wrong Conception of Daddy

36:50 Alright? And then the fourth temptation your kids will have and this again is a subtle one of the subtle ones is the temptation to frame a wrong conception of daddy as a man of God.

37:06 You see most of our serious reading and praying is done in the closet and in the study.

37:14 And if the study is not at home they see mommy reading her Bible going aside to pray but they only see daddy reading the newspaper and Time Magazine listening to the radio watching a ball game on the TV they may subtly think that daddy's religion and daddy's religious exercises are his profession. But the real daddy is the daddy who hollers when his favorite team scores a touchdown and who sits reading his magazine and what must you do? Well you must try to put yourself behind the eyeballs of your children and ask what image are they receiving of me? And it may be if for no other reason than that they see that your religion is not your profession but it's your life. You may want to keep some of your biographical reading to be done at home. That they see daddy reading a biography.

38:17 They see daddy reading Pilgrim's Progress. They hear daddy listening to tapes. You see what I'm saying? The image they have of you is the one they receive from their visual experience exposure to you.

38:29 Now as they get older they will understand those differences. But while they're younger they don't. So there's a subtle temptation for them to frame a wrong conception of daddy as a man of God who is a man of God professionally but not a man of God personally. And you must beware of that and take whatever steps you must take to cancel and negate that temptation.

Temptation to Grow Weary of Spiritual Leadership at Home

38:58 And then the last major temptation that I want to speak about that you'll face in the area of ministerial incompetence or domestic incompetence and I don't know how else to frame it but this peculiar temptations related to your wife peculiar temptations related to your kids and this is one related to yourself but in the domestic sphere. The temptation to grow weary of the burden of constant leadership in spiritual matters. The temptation to grow weary of the constant burden of spiritual leadership. In the church you've always got to lead.

39:38 You've always got to be giving your opinion. They ask you. You've got to give your understanding of this passage. How to approach this problem.

39:46 They're looking to you for guidance. And there are times at home the phone rings and people call with this problem and that problem and you say if I could just have relief from the burden of leadership. For a few hours it'd be so wonderful. And lo and behold now you've got to be the leader at the table and lead in family worship.

40:07 And I confess that that has been my great it was my greatest problem when my children were younger with family worship. It was the weariness at the end of the day bearing people's burdens. I wanted the buck to stop somewhere. I was tired of hearing my own voice.

40:24 Tired of hearing my own voice. I would have loved to have had somebody come in and lead family worship for me. It wasn't that I was indisposed to the Bible and to prayer. I was just tired to have them be the one to do the leading.

40:39 Having to think how to break this down. How to make it interesting. And you grow weary of that. And the place where you'll break down is in your spiritual responsibilities to your wife and to your kids.

40:51 Now beware of that temptation. And just lift up your weary heart to God and say Lord you've said fathers nurture your children. I've got to be the priest in this home. Give me grace Lord.

41:04 May the weariness not show on my face or in the tone of my voice so my kids get the idea that this is just a burdensome ritual that daddy's imposing on us. Lord give me enthusiasm though I don't feel an ounce of it. And God will meet you. God will meet you.

41:19 And I have found quickening at the table in family worship that was parallel to the quickening that's come to a weary mind and body in the pulpit. But the temptation will be you see if that weariness comes on me on a Sunday I ain't got no choice. I can't show up at ten minutes to eleven and say to my fellow elders brethren I'm just so tired of leadership and so I think I'll back off for this morning. Ain't no way Jose.

41:45 No, no gonna be. But it's easy to do it in the family. You see. And before you know it you skip it Monday and you skip it Thursday and a pattern of indecision and vacillation begins to come.

41:58 Brethren that weariness is not sinful in itself. It's a reminder that you have the treasure in earth and vessel but remember the exhortation. Let us not be weary in well-doing. Weariness in well-doing that leads to the negation of duty is sin.

42:17 Let us not be weary in well-doing.

Practical Counsels for Maintaining Domestic Competence

42:22 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. Well those are the peculiar temptations now in conclusion I'll give you four very brief heads practical counsels for maintaining domestic competence. Practical counsels for maintaining domestic competence.

42:43 Here they are. Number one.

42:46 Pray in and periodically refresh your conviction concerning the unyielding necessity for exemplary domestic competence. Pray in and periodically refresh your conviction of the unyielding necessity for exemplary domestic competence. In other words while you're here in the academy make 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 your constant companions and when you're in the work of the ministry periodically set aside half a morning to pray over that passage pray it in and say to yourself looking yourself in the mirror with genuine judgment day honesty if you fail as father and husband you are through as far as the ministry is concerned. Tell yourself that. Load your conscience with that until it becomes as deep a conviction as the conviction that the Bible is the word of God Christ is the son of God I must be man of God before my wife and my kids or my mouth is shut and the office is vacant. Now if that becomes a gut conviction you're on your way to being a competent father and husband.

44:16 Secondly seek the periodic assessment of competent observers regarding your domestic competence. Seek the periodic assessment of competent observers regarding your domestic competence.

44:37 Eventually hopefully this will be your elders fellow elders until then let it be those that are over you in the Lord let it be your peers here in the academy. One of the things that thrills me as I observe you men is what I perceive to be the chemistry of mutual trust and respect and the wonderful absence of one upmanship will incorporate into that climate of trust and openness frank evaluation of each other's performance as husbands and fathers. Wrestling with each other is the most important thing in the life of a man. Build these things through.

45:16 Develop the climate in which you don't feel buried and threatened and defensive when someone says look brother I really believe you've got some areas of insensitivity. Remember we were together the other night? Three or four times I saw your wife just waiting to get a word in edgewise but man you so dominated the conversation she couldn't get a word in. Were you aware of that?

45:41 I never even thought of it. And you read I see it now and then you go home and say honey the other night when we were together with such and such were you yeah I really was dear I'm sorry let's set up some kind of hand signals. My wife and I have done that with regard we've set up little systems of hand signals. Encourage help one another seek the assessment of competent observers.

46:07 Thirdly periodically evaluate your domestic life with those directly involved in it. That is your wife and your kids. Sit down with your wife periodically and say honey if there's anything you could change in me what would it be? And then after she's done her three hour speech say now what of that is rooted in the scriptures?

46:37 And if she can talk for another three hours you better listen. But periodically periodically this is a great opportunity to talk about spiritual therapy. It's humbling but we seek to do it and it's been a great means of grace. Sit your kids down as they get old enough and ask them that.

47:02 Say if you could change anything in daddy what would you change? And then you work through their suggestions and say well to change that would mean God would have to put me back in my mother's womb. You think God's going to do that? No.

47:17 Alright then that's not going to change. God's going to have to work in daddy much greater patience. Will you pray with daddy that he get more patience from Jesus? See?

47:28 Well if God's going to change that God's got to help me. With my kids it was my serious countenance. I was born with a wrinkled brow. I am naturally a serious person.

47:39 I have a sense of humor as you know but I was put together a serious person and when God got hold of me in grace he put weighty responsibilities on me. He took out that whole rah-rah college stage of development that most men go through between ages 18 and 23. God cut it right out of me and because of that there are times when I created a climate of heaviness in my home and my kids would say daddy you always look sad. And I thought what a terrible testament.

48:11 So I had my kids give me input to try to help me to cultivate a grace of greater cheerfulness. So periodically evaluate your life and then fourthly and I can't underestimate the benefit of this bind yourself to some inescapable pressure in this area of domestic competence. Bind yourself to some inescapable pressure in this area of domestic competence. Again a personal reference early in our marriage my wife and I made a solemn vow to one another in certain areas and then a sort of a formal vow but just as binding that if she ever saw anything in my life in the area of personal or domestic incompetence or sin that she addressed and she did not see me making every effort to deal with it she was to go directly over my head to my fellow elders and tell them exactly what she saw and she'd do it too. A lot of people looked at her as a quiet woman which she is in her bearing but she'd got enough moxie she'd do it and I know she would and she'd do it for the sake of my soul and for the sake of the souls

49:40 of the people of God and I'm thankful for that pressure I know it's always there and it's just one more barrier to the rationalization and to the erosion that can come alas in middle and late years early in your experience to some inescapable pressures in this area of your domestic competence if you happen to be in a church planting ministry that we have anything to do with under our regular communication and visits that's one of the things we'll just ask you point blank how's your marriage going and we may kick you out of the room for a while and talk with your wife that's right and we'll give you your best interest in the best interest of the souls of your people well brethren our time is gone I preached at you didn't give you any chance to do any feedback but I had to get this out of my gut this stuff is so vital and I trust the Lord will write it upon all of our hearts well let's pray