Specific Guidelines for Funerals

Introduction: The Pastor's Intimacy in Bereavement

0:04 All right, brethren, in this hour, as I've indicated, we'll take up the subject of conducting funerals. And let me say, by way of introduction, both with reference to the matter of conducting weddings and funerals, there will often be a revelation of the level of your true pastoral intimacy with your people. So, it's in these times that you will have a readout as to whether or not your relationship is mechanical and professional, or whether it is truly pastoral, dynamic, and intimate. Where, of course, is this perhaps more true than with reference to the whole subject of conducting funerals? In a little minister's manual that I'll have occasion to refer to later, the whole subject of conducting funerals is introduced with these, and I cannot improve upon them. No demand upon a pastor is as urgent as the call of sorrow in the hour of bereavement and death. Never do his people need him as greatly or lean upon him so heavily.

1:19 Nor does the door ever swing so widely to admit him into their heart's affection and lasting memory as when he comes to bear them up in love and comfort. Most pastors know when their members may be sick on the day, and then they are nearly at death, and generally are near to comfort those to whom the shock is greatest. But should he for one reason or another not be present at the moment, he will go to the sorrowing ones as quickly as possible after the word reaches him, and will minister to them all that his human abilities and divine enablings will permit. Well, with that setting the tone of my remarks, I want to gather them together under two headings. First of all, your immediate means, as I say, are minute and immediate, and your immediate means are minute and minute. ministry to the bereaved, and then secondly, and this will take the bulk of our time, some guidelines for the planning and conducting of funeral services. First of all, a word about your immediate ministry to the bereaved. As soon as possible after receiving news of

Immediate Ministry to the Bereaved: Friend, Man of God, Counselor

2:27 the death of one of the members of the congregation or one in the immediate families or whatever the network of relationship may be, you ought to have three major categories of concern. Number one, to show yourself a true Christian friend, fulfilling the mandate of Romans 12.10a.15.

3:00 Your first concern is to show yourself a true Christian friend, fulfilling the mandate of Romans 12.10a. And, number two, to show yourself a true Christian friend, fulfilling the mandate of Romans 12.10a.15.

3:14 Love of the brethren, tenderly affectioned one to another. And as I've often reminded you, there is no generic duty of the ordinary Christian that is not the duty of the Christian minister. He has additional duties, but he has no negation of generic Christian duties. And as a friend of those who are bereaved, who have lost a loved one, who have lost a loved one, you and I are to take seriously the mandate in love of the brethren, be tenderly affectioned one to another. And verse 15, rejoice with them that rejoice, weep with them that weep. It's interesting, in John 11 and verse 3, when they saw our Lord weeping at the gravesite of Lazarus, their comment was, behold how he loved him. And the verb phileo is used. Behold how he has tender, filial affection for him. Don't,

4:29 John 11.35 and 36, I'm sorry, don't be overly concerned with saying the right words. That will be one of your biggest stumbling blocks early in your ministry. On the way to the home, you say, what am I going to say? I've not experienced the agony of death of a near and dear loved one. How am I, don't be overly concerned with what you're going to say. Your presence, your physical touch, and your tears will probably be your most eloquent pronouncement. Just an arm around a brother and a sister, sitting at a table, holding hands with them, weeping with them, as God enables you to do so. This crisis of grief, as I've already intimated,

5:22 will reveal the level of your pastoral intimacy.

5:27 Show yourself, first of all to be a true Christian friend, fulfilling the mandate of these texts. Secondly, your immediate ministry to the bereaved should be one in which you show yourself a man of God, prepared to bring an appropriate word from God into that situation. Show yourself, not only do you see a true Christian friend, but a man of God, prepared to bring an appropriate word into that situation. Which old Christian interpriorегда! . vår கבל proceedings are забб Проöff magnetic from God to that situation. You may not be able to do it. The moment the news reaches you and your own mind and spirit feel the shock and the grief and the loss, hopefully the next day before the actual funeral service, you will be able to go back to the people involved and there fulfill the mandate of 2 Timothy 4 and verse 2 to preach the Word, to be instant in season and out of season, to manifest that 2 Timothy 3, 16 and 17 are true,

6:42 that the Scriptures are profitable to make you as a man of God thoroughly furnished unto the good work of bringing true, solid, biblical consolation in the face of death. You will find over the years that such passages as Psalm 46, and Psalm 90 will be some of your great instruments of comfort. 2 Corinthians 1, the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our tribulation. Job 1, Ecclesiastes 2.

7:21 These are some of the passages and you will find those that in a unique way give you a sense of being furnished unto the good work of being the man of God, equipped, to bring biblical comfort. But then thirdly, show yourself a responsible man in giving practical counsel regarding the funeral arrangements.

7:51 From showing yourself to be a true friend, you must show yourself to be a responsible man in giving practical counsel with respect to funeral arrangements.

8:05 Leave this to the last, but often loved ones are too shattered to think through these things, and you will have to cultivate the skill, and it can only be done in the doing, so I don't give you a bunch of rules, how to direct their thinking into some of the practical concerns with respect to the funeral arrangements, the funeral service,

8:33 and those matters that must be attended to in the days to come.

Planning the Funeral Service: Consultation and Practicalities

8:40 That's all I wanted to say to you with reference to the immediate ministry to the bereaved, but now guidelines for the planning and the conducting of funerals. And I have four, five subheadings. I'm sorry, four subheadings. First of all, planning the service,

9:00 and then, as with weddings, preparing the sermon and the prayers, conducting the funeral service, and conducting the committal service at the graveside. In planning the funeral service, first of all, you must consult with the loved ones directly responsible for the arrangements.

9:26 In most cases, they will be believers, an intimate part of your assembly,

9:34 members of the church, and this will be a relatively easy and sometimes even a precious experience because you are going to ask them, is there any favorite hymn that you desire to have sung or chanted? Have you ever quoted any portion of the word of God that was particularly precious to the loved one who has gone to be with the Lord? In those instances, you do as you do in the planning of the wedding. You try as much as possible to tailor-make the raw materials of that service so that it ministers to the individual need and spiritual state of the loved ones who are cooperating with you in the whole service. It is no matter of planning the service. Lay out those responsible for that service, precisely what you propose to do and ask them, is this acceptable? They may have certain expectations.

10:41 They assume you understand them. They come to the service, you didn't understand them, and instead of comforting them, you're grieving them. So don't leave things to assumptions. Say, this is normally how I conduct a service, and you give them the basic framework.

10:59 Do you feel comfortable with that? In the opening scripture, is there any particular scripture you would like me to read? You let them see that you are, again, in the language of 2 Corinthians 4-5, their servant for Jesus' sake. Now, in some cases, a radical change in the ordinary pattern may be in order.

11:24 And I'm going to distribute at the end of the class an article written by Anil Khyper, a U.P. minister, called Turning the Funeral Around. Just because we've always done it that way doesn't mean that the usual funeral procedure is the most beneficial.

11:43 And I'd like you to take this, read it, file it away, and it offers some challenging perspectives on perhaps radically altering the ordinary pattern. This man suggests and even gives the account of what a blessing it has been, to have the interment first, and then have a service of joyous celebration in the church afterward. And it gives some very, I think, interesting rationale for turning the funeral around, hence the title of his article. It's generally wise to visit the funeral home during the period, at least during one of the periods, when we have this practice, whether we like it or not. Some of us do not like it, but we can't restructure it. Some of us do not like it, but we can't restructure it. But we can't restructure the expectations of society and culture at this point in this so-called viewing time.

12:42 Some of us have mandated that that will not go on when we're alive and die and go the way of all flesh and are not here when the Lord returns. But there is one good, there are several good things that come out of these viewings, but one of the good things is that you can go and get a feel for how the life loved ones are responding to the reality of the death of the person who has died. You get a reading. The reality of it now has sunk in for a couple of days. They are there at the funeral home. It gives you an opportunity to meet the funeral director, to check on details, make it plain that you don't want any icons present. Many of them assume that you want a crucifix sitting on the lectern. You just take charge and say that in conducting this funeral for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, it is their wish, and I concur, that there be no

13:49 pictures of Christ, no statues, no crucifixes. I would like a well-lighted lectern. I'd like you to place it in a part of the funeral home where my face will be lighted. You take charge.

14:06 You are God's. You are God's servant going there on a mission. You are not the reverend filling in a slot. I hope those words just keep pounding back at you. Remember your identity. Yes, this is not a biblically mandated service. It's culturally dictated, but you nonetheless are undertaking it as a man of God. Tell him what your plans are, what your wishes are with respect to the setting and the arrangement and if at all possible, try to persuade the family, the loved ones, that you believe there will be more undistracted attention to the word of God if the casket is closed during the ceremony. Be a very distraction.

Preparing the Sermon and Prayers: Instruction, Comfort, Exhortation, Warning

15:04 Feel comfort as well as ministering to the consciences of the unconverted. Then secondly, planning your sermon and the prayers. Let's start with the...

15:22 Seek to gain as accurate an assessment as possible relative to the anticipated congregation. Ask the loved ones, who do you expect to be present? What is their religious background? Where are they coming from? And then prayerfully select an appropriate text or subject and develop it in keeping with the peculiar complexion of the anticipated gathering. For example, Grace Bunny had it golden interrupted during the Short Vow, something to mention. The only way you can be present during thecurling of your bathrooms is that you know you're porky and that's probably out of the shirt. We'd seen it being so, yet you'd have to care for your firearms.

16:05 But Jesus is sounta through this passage, however! I came toτάin earth, and under his sweet passion I am ridden with many of his commandments, such as the früher modulisita, and his purebred jury. Some of them refused to come to the gathering at Gene's home afterward because they said that man stood up there and attacked our church. Well, I didn't attack anything.

16:38 Some of you were there. I just spoke with glowing joy having been there with Jake all through the process of his being taken with cancer. And I had heard him say again and again with a glow of heaven on his face, I wonder what it will be like, not if, but when I see my Savior. For the first time.

17:02 And I just shared that. That Jake died in a certain confidence. The absent from the body would be to be present. And I had the temerity to say, it is not humility which says, I am so sinful I cannot know.

17:20 That is wicked unbelief. It is humility to say Christ is all the Savior he says he is. And in the confidence of the virtue of his perfect life and his substitutionary death, I can tell you, I commit my soul with confidence to his hands, knowing that to be absent from the body, to be present with the Lord. In all true faith, in the saving virtue of Jesus, there is this element of real humility.

17:51 Arrogance and pride at the raw nerves of the hypers. Well, I wasn't out to make enemies, but I was out to cease them from the damning delusion that what they think is humility is in reality arrogance and pride and unbelief that will send them to hell.

18:13 Well, you must do some inquiring. Be sensitive to the background and seek to speak accordingly. Include a proportionate amount of instruction, of comfort, of exhortation, and of warning.

18:32 Under instruction, don't be reluctant to come at such questions as what precisely is death? Why is it an inevitable part of life? Many people don't know. They've just come to accept death like they accept measles.

18:48 And we must tell them it is there as a reality in life because of the intrusion of sin. To what does death lead? How can we face it with confidence? I'm amazed when I sit at funerals and the reverends won't talk about the ultimate questions when they're in a setting when it's most natural.

19:12 Introduce death sitting next to someone on a plane and they may think you're morbid. But I mean in a funeral parlor. We're the corpse. They're there.

19:21 And the reality that it's appointed on the men wants to die staring you in the face. If that's not an appropriate time to address these ultimate questions, pray tell, when will there ever be one? So under instruction, brethren, don't be reluctant to come directly at such issues as what is death? The radical separation of the soul and the body.

19:45 To what does it lead? The soil of the redeemed going immediately into the presence of God. And that the unconverted and those not in saving union with Christ going into a state of conscious suffering awaiting the day of judgment. Address those issues by way of biblical instruction.

20:05 Secondly, by way of comfort.

20:08 There is no segment of humanity to experience the pain of death to which you cannot impart comfort in one way or another. In the case of a believer who's lost a believing loved one. Here, your sources of comfort are manifold. First Thessalonians 4, 18 and 14 and following, concluding with the exhortation, wherefore comfort one another with these words, Philippians 1, 21, 2 Corinthians 5, Romans 8, Psalm 23.

20:48 But what about in the case of believers who've lost an unbelieving loved one? Well, here our comfort is Genesis 18, 25. Shall not the judge of all the earth do right? Second Corinthians 12, my grace is sufficient for thee.

21:08 Isaiah 41, when you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And you put the concentration of comfort not on the present state of that loved one who for all we know is experiencing the realities of separation from God, but we bring the comfort to the believer that no matter what trial he faces, God's grace is sufficient. The third case is that of an unbeliever who has lost a believing loved one or friend.

21:45 An unbeliever who's lost a believing loved one or friend. Here we can speak then to the unbelievers that for the believer, death has now become subject to him in Christ. All things are yours, life or death. What would that?

22:03 What would that believing loved one say to you, my friends, were he to return from where he is, looking upon the face of his Savior, knowing that you see no beauty in his Savior? What would he say to you? You use, you see, that natural bond of endearment to that believer to be the conduit to bring home the word of God to the unconverted.

22:29 Well, there are these various strands. I've just tried to give you some specifics, instruction. Comfort and then exhortation and warning. It is appropriate to urge people to seek the Lord while he may be found, to use the 90th Psalm where the man of God prayed, teach us to number our days that we may apply ourselves unto wisdom.

22:59 Tell people what Jesus said about a man who made preparations for everything in life but made no preparations for the world to come, Luke 12. Thou fool. This night shall thy soul be required of thee.

23:15 And in all of your exhortation in these settings, don't play God, don't misrepresent God. And I find that twin exhortation helps me in sorting out what I should and should not say. I must not play God as though I were the judge of the world, but neither must I misrepresent God. as though it's all going to turn out all right for everybody in the end if we just wish it bad enough.

23:52 Then, in the preparation of your prayers, let me say just a few things. As with weddings, let the opening prayer focus on the issues at hand. As you come into the presence of God as the mouthpiece of those gathered, acknowledge with humility the ugly, inescapable reality of death. But give thanks that we have a word that addresses this great question,

24:26 that the scriptures are not silent about death. And then pray that there will be attentive minds and the illumination of the Holy Spirit.

24:40 And then, if you ordinarily will have a prayer after the meditation in the word, that prayer should focus on the living and their needs at this time, both the people of God, that they may know the consolations of grace, and that those who are not the people of God may use this occasion to seek the Lord while he may be found.

Conducting the Funeral Service: Composure, Dignity, Sensitivity

25:10 All right, now, thirdly, from planning the funeral service, planning the sermon and prayers, thirdly, conducting the service.

25:20 As with the wedding, let it be evident from the outset, you are not mumbling through a clerical ritual. Come and stand in an erect, and manly way and look people in the eyes and speak directly to their faces.

25:41 But it's vital, brethren, that you moderate your voice to the circumstances of a small chapel in the climate of death and grief.

25:54 1 Corinthians 13, Love does not behave itself unseemly. And it's unseemly for a man to come into a funeral parlor and speak as though he were talking, at the L.A. Coliseum, without any amplification system.

26:11 It is unseemly. And love does not behave itself unseemly. Seek to feel the climate and adjust your speaking accordingly.

26:26 Having an empathetic heart is the best preparation for the tone of your voice and the climate created by your demeanor. The words which should carry, characterize your manner of conducting a funeral service should be composure, dignity, and sensitivity.

26:57 Composure. And sometimes that's not easy.

27:03 As your heart becomes entwined with the hearts of your people, there are times when a baptism of grief will come over you just before, sometimes during the conducting of the service. You must pray for grace to have composure, you cannot edify if you are not in control of yourself. The way God has put me together, I find that if I can have the outlet of a wholesome weeping before a service, and there isn't this damned up emotional pressure, then seldom do I have any problem with composure during the service. So don't be afraid to weep with those who weep.

Conducting the Committal Service: Finality and Gospel Hope

27:45 It may not only be the means of their comfort and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, but it may also be the means of their comfort, and their sense of shared concern, service with composure, with dignity, but with earnestness. Don't be afraid to be earnest. People perhaps have not come to be preached to, but God has brought them that they might be preached to. So preach to them, but let your earnestness be tempered with sensitivity, sensitivity to the climate, to the size of the room, and to the overall ethos of a funeral. And then, fourthly, conducting the committal service. This is often the most difficult time for the loved ones. The awesome finality of death comes home when they see the piled earth waiting to enfold the loved one. You see, this is one of the problems I have with our practice

29:03 of cosmetic fixing up of the dead. They make them look so living

29:09 as if they're breathing. But when that box is set over that hole, and the earth is piled up, and you know that in a few hours it's going to be encasing that box, the awful sense of the finality of death in terms of its finality, this side of the resurrection, comes home with tremendous pressure. And so the words of Scripture and the words of committal,

29:43 which I find helpful suggestions in the pastor's handbook that I'll mention at the end of our time, they ought to be brief. You ought not to conduct a second mini-service, and your prayer should seek to lay hold of God on behalf of the loved ones and of the living. Don't indulge in any pagan practices of sprinkling salt or anything else over the casket. You're there to pray.

30:23 You're there as a man of God, facing the reality of death, but bringing the consolations of the gospel to the living believers and exhortations to flee to Christ to the living unbelievers.

30:42 And you will find often at a graveside, brethren, it's then that your firm but loving supportedness and assertiveness is most needed by the loved ones. You'll want to put an arm around them, and after an appropriate prayer, you'll want to put an arm around them, and after an appropriate prayer, you'll want to put an arm around them, and after an appropriate prayer, you'll want to put an arm around them, and after an appropriate prayer, you'll want to put an arm around them. Brief period of waiting as they drink in the reality of their loved one being placed in the earth, lovingly but firmly, lead them away. Sometimes they want to stay there, and that's not evil, but it's best that they leave and begin to cope with the reality of life apart from that loved one. On the other hand, don't be reluctant if the climate is such and the Spirit of God makes room for you to be there. Don't be reluctant if the climate is such and the Spirit of God makes room for you to be there. Don't be reluctant if the climate is such and the Spirit of God makes room for you to be there. Don't be reluctant if the climate is such and the Spirit of God makes

31:28 room for you to be there. Don't be reluctant if the climate is such and the Spirit of God makes consolations of the gospel. Don't be reluctant to manifest joy. I can never forget the gravesite of our dear brother Rich Denzel's father. And as we were standing by that hole in the ground and by his casket, and I was reading from 1 Thessalonians chapter four, the dead in Christ shall rise first. The Spirit of God came down on us at the gravesite, and those were the gravesites words just burst into life. And it was as though we saw the grave being reopened at the resurrection, and joy shone on the faces of God's people through our tears, that that grave would not hold our dear brother. Well, for any unbeliever's presence, you see, it was a powerful witness to see this man's widow, and they had had an idyllic marriage, a lovely

Attending the Post-Funeral Gathering: Credibility and Opportunity

32:25 relationship, to see her through her tears with a smile and a glow of hope and confident expectation. So don't stereotype the climate. Again, seek to be sensitive to those peculiar dimensions of the ministry of the Spirit that God may be pleased to grant at the gravesite. And then last of all, attending the post-funeral gathering at the home. In our society, this is a general practice. Should you go or should you not? Well, my exhortation would be, and again only based on general principles, whenever possible, put in at least a token visit. For several reasons, let not your good be evil spoken of. You seem to manifest real personal attachment

33:23 to those that you ministered to at the funeral parlor. You seem to manifest what people judged to be a genuine love for their souls in your exhortation to the unconverted as well as your words of consolation to the believers. Now, if you simply disappear when that same basic group of people will be gathered as an expression of their love to those who have been bereaved, it may raise a question in the minds of some as to whether or not the signals they were getting were real. If you were really concerned and really loved them, why do you not take this additional opportunity to be with them? So, in certain situations, your credibility could be undermined, your good could be evil spoken of if you did not at least put in a token visit, but furthermore, and even more importantly, you may have wonderful opportunities to do some personal work with the lost. As well as give added comfort to the saved. I've had some wonderful opportunities in the gatherings at the home after the interment to be able to enforce and speak to people one-to-one

34:43 of the same truths that were spoken in a public context. And here we have the admonition of Scripture, as we have opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially those of the household of faith. And what great opportunity! What greater good than to minister the Gospel, to seize these opportunities, to bring home the claims of the Lord Jesus Christ.

35:08 And I would also say, as with the weddings, while you are here in the Academy, there are times when we have even called off classes, or a class or two, in order to attend a funeral, not just as a part of the Church body, but also as part of your own training to sit through and see these principles fleshed out. In the situation of actually conducting a funeral. Well, I got done in time, 1.05. If there are questions that you have, maybe you can remain behind and I'll be glad to answer them if I can. Otherwise, we can pick them up on the front end of next week's.