The Biblical Training of Our Children, Part 4

Conference Logistics and Book Recommendations

0:04 This sermon was preached on July 21st, 1988, at the Southeastern Reformed Baptist Family Conference. Now, since this is the last opportunity I will have to address you as a conference, there are two matters that I want to take care of before we turn to the reading and to the exposition of the Word of God. First of all, there are several books that I want to recommend. Second, books on the family and child rearing have obviously become a very hot item in the Christian book publishing business. And I do not mean to be unkind or imbalanced, let alone sarcastic and unchristian in what I say, but the vast majority of them that I have read, as I've had to review them for our own book ministry, are hardly...

1:09 are hardly worth the paper and the ink which constitutes them books. But there are some proven, helpful, balanced treatments of certain aspects of family life, and I would like to recommend four this evening. With respect to the use of the rod, particularly in the early formative years of our children, up until pre or early teens, I...

1:40 I do not know of any finer treatment of the biblical materials than Bruce Ray's book, Withhold Not Correction. The little leaflet that has been quite popular, children, fun or frenzy, has some very, very kinky elements in it. It has some good things in it, but people tend to grasp on the kinky elements and pass by the good. But I know of very little, if anything, in Bruce Ray's book, that is out of line with Scripture and out of balance with the whole witness of the Word of God concerning the sanctified use of the rod.

2:22 And then Gordon McDonald's book, The Effective Father, while weak in the area of the application of the rod, is one of the finest books on the subject of a father being an open man to his children. A father being...

2:40 a father being communicative with his children, available to his children. And even some of the disheartening events in the life of Gordon McDonald in recent years do not negate the validity of the truths that he sets forth in his book, The Effective Father. Now, as far as one volume that at least gives a biblical overview of the Christian family, I think the finest is...

3:11 A. Adams' book, Christian Living in the Home. And then for a treatment that in some ways one must read with great discretion, particularly if one is not well grounded in our rationale for not regarding our children as, quote, covenant children, Palmer's book on the family, a recent reprint by Sprinkle Publications, is an excellent work. Several of the chapters...

3:41 I feel, are the finest statement of the matters which they address. And then there are several tapes that I would like to recommend. Last year at this conference, Pastor William Franklin spoke on avoiding adolescent rebellion and set forth some very, very helpful principles. If you were not here to receive that ministry, I urge you to purchase that tape.

4:08 And then one of my colleagues at Trinity, Pastor... Greg Nichols, did an excellent series several years ago on molding our children.

4:17 And what makes those messages particularly helpful is they are constructed not only out of a comprehensive treatment of the biblical materials on the molding of our children, but they have peculiar relevance to parents who are part of the post-war generation. Those of you who are now parents who were born...

4:41 During or after the Second World War have had unusual pressures upon you in molding you into what you are. And if you've listened to Pastor Nichols' series on the post-war generation, you know that he has a handle upon those peculiar influences. And as he indicates that in that previous series, so in the molding of our children, he gives peculiar emphasis...

5:11 Peculiar emphases to those aspects which are of unusual relevance to the post-war generation seeking to be adequate parents. And then I would like to mention again the series on dealing with our spiritually awakened children that I did in our adult class about two years ago now. Not to be self-serving, but only because I want to save myself a lot of phone calls and letters. And one of the most deeply agitated questions is the question of how to deal with children who are surrounded from the womb with godly example, with godly instruction, and with spirit-filled preaching. And I do believe God helped me in bringing together those materials to say some things which, if they are said elsewhere, I've not yet found them. I don't believe they're not said elsewhere. But I just haven't found where they're said elsewhere, or I'd recommend someone else's books or tapes.

Gratitude to the Conference Hosts

6:18 Now, having taken care of the matter of books and tapes, since I was referred to as the elderly gentleman, I believe was the way I was described,

6:31 and since the person who said that did not have the moral courage to name me, I must assume that he was referring to me. All of the circumstances of the story. I don't think there was a sentence, the elderly gentleman who preached the evening before, I don't think there were many who would fit that description. But seriously, I do feel a constraint for which no one has pressured me, but it comes out of my own heart to express, I am sure, on behalf of everyone who is here at this conference, our deep sense of gratitude and indebtedness to our Brethren at Mebane, for all of the planning, for all of the labor, for all of the many manifestations of Christian grace and kindness that have gone into the planning of this conference. And so, elders and deacons and church family at Mebane, we say thank you from the depths of our hearts. I believe in this context many of you would feel grieved if I were asked you to express your appreciation with applause, but I do believe if I make a statement, to which you can add an amen, which means so be it, perhaps you can express what's in your heart. And I say, I believe on behalf of all of you, we thank you for your Christian grace and selfless love

7:58 expressed to all of us in the name of Christ, and we reciprocate and say thank you in the name of Christ. And if I've spoken for you, please indicate by saying amen. Amen.

Review of Ephesians 6:1-4 and Sermon Structure

8:12 Now then, to Ephesians chapter 6. Ephesians and the 6th chapter.

8:32 If you remember nothing else about the four sessions I've had, I hope you'll remember the text.

8:40 Ephesians chapter 6, verses 1 through 4.

8:45 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise, that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. We come tonight, at least insofar as this conference is concerned, to our final examination of this watershed text on the subject of the biblical, the biblical training of our children. And as we have sought to unpack the text in our first study, we considered the task assigned. And we asked three very simple questions with reference to the assignment of the task of providing biblical training for our children as that task is set forth in this text. Who?

10:01 Why? And what? And then for the next two evenings, we took up the second major division of the text. The task defined, first of all, in its essence.

10:17 That would be large letter A. And under that, we noted the negative injunction, do not provoke them to anger. The positive direction, but nurture them. And then we concluded by considering the assumed framework of the task, a framework of deep, personal, principled, spirit-wrought love for our children, a framework of conscious and pervasive reference to the authority and truth of God, a framework of conscience-gripping blamelessness before our children, and a framework of conscious dependence upon the grace and power of Jesus Christ. Now, tonight, we conclude our study by taking up large letter B, under the task defined, having considered the task in its essence, the negative and the positive. Now, large letter B, the major means, the two major means of its accomplishment. Nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord.

The Identity of the Means: Chastening (Paideia) and Admonition (Nuthesia)

11:44 And obviously, from the text, the two major means for the accomplishment of this task of godly nurture are the chastening of the Lord and the admonition of the Lord. Now, working through, then, this division of our subject, we have three heads. First of all, the identity of these means, secondly, the origin of these means, and thirdly, practical counsels regarding the use of these means. First of all, then, the identity of the means of godly nurture.

12:27 When God says to fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them, it's as though fathers look up to heaven and say, but oh, my father, by what means shall I nurture them? What instruments of nurture have you placed in my hands? And God's answer is, I have given you basically two commodities with which to accomplish the task of godly nurture. That is, to accomplish the task of the totality of their nurture, that of chastening and of admonition.

13:10 And so it is vital, as we saw last night, to come to an accurate understanding of what the word nurture meant, that Greek verb ektrepho. So here we are told that the two means, the primary instruments of the nurture of our children, are paideia and nuthesia. Now they are variously translated in our most popular English versions as follows. Nurture them or bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord.

13:52 Some render it in the training and instruction of the Lord. Others, discipline and instruction of the Lord. Others, correction and instruction. Well, how can we come to some settled understanding of the precise meaning of these two means given by God to accomplish the task of nurture?

14:19 Well, the first word, paideia, has a broad range of usage in first century Greek. However, as Arndt and Gingrich have observed in their lexicon, in biblical literature, it is always, with but possibly one exception, and maybe a half an exception, it is always, and chiefly, a word which refers to discipline and correction. And, perhaps, the watershed section of its usage in this way is the familiar 12th chapter of Hebrews. I won't ask you to turn to it. Many of you are familiar with it. My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord.

15:15 And, in verses 5, 7, 8, and 11, the word discipline is used. And then, in its verbal form, it is found in verses 6, 7, and 10. It's the word used by our Lord in Revelation 3, 19. As many as I love, I rebuke, and I discipline, or chasten.

15:37 And, very interestingly, it is found in Luke 23, 16, when it is said of our Lord, let us chasten Him. And, it is there used synonymously with scourging. So that, in the Scriptures, the primary emphasis and nuance of this word refers to something which is done to the child in pursuit of his nurture. Paideia refers to chastisement and punitive, corrective measures employed not to vent the frustrations of a harried parent, certainly not to give vent to some sick and sinful spirit that wants to abuse another and a weaker creature, but it is chastisement, discipline, employed with a view to the nurture of our children, to seeing them brought to their full potential of Christian man, manhood and womanhood, under the blessing of God. Now, the second word,

17:03 nuthesia, uniformly refers to a verbal activity. It never refers to that which is done to the child, but always refers to something said to the child. It is translated in our English versions, admonition, instruction and warning. Let me give you three examples of its usage that should fairly well establish in your mind the flavor, the sense of its meaning.

17:40 In 1 Corinthians chapter 10 and verse 11, we are told concerning the Biblical record of the wilderness wanderings and the various sins of the nation of Israel, these things happened unto them by way of example, and they were written for our nuthesia, for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the ages are come. And I must pause to say two things. There is a pseudo-spiritual and a pseudo-scholastic approach to preaching in our day that says there is no room for exemplary preaching. All preaching must be explicitly Christocentric. Now some of you kids will get lost in this. That's all right.

18:34 Some preachers need this, so you just hang in there. And you'll be the benefactor down the road. This is for your sake ultimately. Christ is the great theme of all Scripture.

18:44 Christ must be the explicit theme of every exposition of any part of Scripture. That sounds very, very spiritual. But it's heretical. And it's shot through with error.

18:58 We are told we must not take incidents in the life of the people of God in the Old Testament. We must not take incidents in the lives of people and from it extract moral and ethical principles and preach them to our people. That is moralistic, exemplary preaching. And yet this text says these things were written to the end that new covenant preachers would be able to warn congregations to avoid the sins of the nation of Israel.

19:32 Furthermore, when people say to preach in an admonitory manner filled with warning is negative and oppressive and does not aid the people of God in their earthly pilgrimage, they attempt to be wiser than God. And a curse upon their wisdom. So much for the aside. Now, Colossians 1.28.

20:05 Colossians 1.28. Second usage of the word. We're just trying to find out now what is this means.

20:15 If God says, nurture them in discipline, chastening what's done to the child, and nuthesia, admonition, warning what is said to the child, I better know what my tool is. Here's another example of this. Here's another example of its usage. Paul, speaking of the Christian ministry in this classic passage, verses 24 to 29 says, concerning Christ, verse 28, whom we proclaim.

20:46 Paul says we preach Christ. But how did he preach it? Did he simply stand before the people and sentimentally parrot the name of Jesus, speak of sweet Jesus, lovely Jesus, precious Jesus? No.

21:06 Whom we proclaim, here's our word, admonishing, nuthesia, in its verbal form, admonishing every man and teaching every man in all wisdom that we may present every man perfect in Christ, whereunto I labor also, striving according to his working which works in me mightily. And here again I must resist the temptation to say many things about the ministry and about preaching, but suffice it to say that Paul knew no preaching of Christ that did not cut a conduit that had as one of its major ingredients, nuthesia, this admonishing of men, no sterile sentimental parading of Christ before men without the warnings and the urgings of the implications of the doctrine concerning Christ. And then the third usage is in 1 Corinthians chapter 4 and verse 14. And I've chosen this purposefully

22:32 because it puts us into the family context. 1 Corinthians chapter 4 and verse 14. I write these things not to shame you but to admonish you as my beloved children. Paul had spiritual children who were very immature.

23:08 He wanted to nurture them into greater maturity in Christ. And so what did he do? He used the means of nuthesia. It was no indication of an absence of love that he admonished, that he warned, that he instructed with overtones at times of great sternness, they were his beloved spiritual children.

23:37 And he writes admonishing them as an expression of his spiritual parental love. Perhaps the best summary in the Old Testament of these two commodities put side by side is Proverbs 29 and verse 15. And here you have admonition, and chastisement brought together in an Old Testament parallel. Proverbs 29 and verse 15, the rod, chastisement, correction, instruction, and reproof, admonition, give wisdom. But a child left to himself, a child who does not come to maturity under the constant pressure of this twofold means of rod and reproof causes shame to his mother. There's a beautiful summary of the meaning of these words in Hendrickson's commentary on Ephesians page 262. And I commend it to you preachers if you're going to preach on the text in the future.

The Origin of the Means: From the Lord

24:59 And it was from Hendrickson that I got that phrase, one refers to what is done to the child, that's chastisement, and the other, what is said to the child, that is admonition. Well, that's the identity of the means. Now consider the origin of the means. Look at the text.

25:23 Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. And for you Greek students, I'm convinced, though it's debated, that this is a genitive of origin. In other words, it is a correction, a discipline, and an admonition which have their origin in the Lord. That is, in Him who is the great head of His church, the Lord of His people in general, and the Lord of every godly parent in particular, who falls before His sovereign Redeemer and says, O Lord Jesus, You who loved me and purchased me with Your own blood, You who have entrusted to me the awesome task of nurturing these children, and You've put in my hands these two great means of chastisement and admonition. O Lord, how shall I administer them? In what frame of reference shall I administer them? And the answer is, it is the chastisement of the Lord, it is the admonition of the Lord.

26:49 That means simply, number one, they both derive their ultimate authority from the Lord Himself. They both derive their ultimate authority from the Lord Himself. As a Christian parent, you stand under the Lordship of Christ. The head of every man is Christ.

27:14 And under His Lordship, the Christ of Ephesians 1, who has been exalted far above all principality and power and might and dominion and every name that is named, not only in this world, but in that which is to come, and has had all things put under His feet, it is that Christ, Mother and Father, who deposits in your hands this twofold means to nurture your children. They both derive their authority from Him. And you must have no uncertain conviction about this. If you're not convinced that the rod of correction is placed in your hand by the nail-pierced and now exalted hand of Christ, you will be inconsistent and tentative in its use. If you do not know that the right to make moral and ethical judgments based on the Word of God and with them to warn, to admonish your children, you do so with the authority of the throne of the exalted Christ, you will vacillate. Particularly, hear me parents, when your kid gets old enough to get a license, I'm amazed how many

28:42 Christian parents think that a license in the pocket of his kid somehow neutralizes the divine deposit of rod and of admonition. There's not a shred of evidence in the Bible that the child reaches a certain age at which time the head of the church snatches the rod out of your hand, snatches out of the other hand the right to admonish and to warn with divine authority. And know who's given you this two-fold means. And you kids listen, when mom and dad apply the rod and apply reproof and you buck against it, you're bucking against the Christ who in the day of judgment will summon you before him and say either, come you blessed or depart you cursed. You better not mess around with that rod in mom's hand and dad's hand because Jesus put it there, the same Jesus who sit on the throne of glory in the day of judgment and judge you. And when they warn and when they admonish, you better not treat it, ah that's my old man, there they don't know where he's coming from. Ah that's just my mother,

30:11 she's an old crank, she wants to cramp my style. And young man, young woman, listen, listen. The origin of these means, they come from the Lord himself who holds your eternal destiny in his hands. You better not mess around with those things.

30:29 But not only does it mean they both derive their authority from him, but it also means they both must derive the manner of their administration from him. They both must derive their manner of administration from him. In other words, he who gives them as means of nurture tells us how to implement and use them for the end for which they were given. The rod given by the Lord, if not regulated by the same Lord, can be an instrument not to nurture our children but to destroy them. Admonition given by the Lord but administered in ways contrary to the revealed will of the Lord can destroy our children instead of nurturing them. So we have the means in their identity. Chastisement, corporal punishment, a system of rewards and punishment for behavior, admonition, verbal warning, instruction, and then their origin both derive their authority from the Lord

Practical Counsel on Chastisement: Purposes and Occasions

31:58 and must derive the manner of their administration from him as well. Well, having identified the means, having looked at the origin of the means, now in the time that remains I want to give some practical counsel concerning the use of these means. And I cannot give equal time to both of them and with respect to the means of chastisement or the rod of correction, believing that this area is well dealt with in Bruce Ray's book. It's dealt with in a number of tapes from a number of your churches.

32:43 I believe it is the area where perhaps there is the most understanding in the group represented here. Had I the time, and that would take one whole message, I would like to cover these heads. The absolute necessity for it, the major purposes for it, the occasions which demand it, the climate which should characterize it, the regulating factors which should condition its usage. And I had all that work done and the notes are there, but I can't, even though some of the kids begged me to go ahead and preach till midnight, believe it or not.

33:22 I might fall out of favor with their parents. But I do want to pause just to underscore two aspects briefly because it's here where I think I see the most ignorance among our own parents. I want to say just a word about the major purposes of the rod of correction. This is not going to be the comprehensive or balanced treatment.

33:47 This is just sort of a little tidbit thrown in and then we'll concentrate on admonition. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what are the major purposes of God for putting the rod in my hand to be administered in His name according to the precepts of His word? May I suggest that if you don't understand the purpose, you're going to vacillate again and be uncertain in many facets of the use of the rod. And I lay out for your serious consideration the crystallization of my own thinking is relatively recent.

34:22 I don't offer it as my last word and certainly not the last word of the Bible. But I suggest that the purpose is basically twofold. Number one, the subjugation of the will of your child to constituted authority is purpose number one. In the use of the rod.

34:42 God has made His world to operate in a framework of submission to constituted authority. And the way of life is to fall in line with those authority structures. The way of death is to defy them. And the purpose of the rod of correction with children who are what they are as we saw them in their five-fold description, particularly in terms of their sinfulness and their moldability, the will must be trained to submit to constituted authority.

35:21 And it is the place of the rod to be the great and grand instrument of God to secure that end. But there is a second great purpose of the rod and that is to impart a conviction concerning the reality of retributive justice. You say, Pastor, what in the world do you mean by that? Well, you who know me, at least in part, know I don't use words like that without explaining them.

35:54 What I mean is this. The Bible says the wages of sin is death. Criminal offenses against the law of God make us liable to the punishment of God, the soul that sinneth, it shall die. Justice must be satisfied in the punishment of the criminal.

36:18 And one of the reasons we have so little grassroots Holy Ghost conviction in our day is we have a society from which the concept of retributive justice is gone. The wanton criminal is not to be punished. It's to be pitied. It's the society that made him do it.

36:44 Could it be that this is why we read in the book of Proverbs chapter 23 and verse 413, withhold not correction from the child for if thou beat him with the rod he will not die. He may holler like he thinks he's dying but he won't. Thou shall beat him with the rod. Now notice, and deliver his soul from hell.

37:18 How in the world does a rod of correction deliver a soul from hell? Here's the connection. When through the right prayerful judicious application of the rod of correction a child learns, if I step over that boundary I'll seal it on the nerve endings of my buttocks. If I don't do what I've been told to do and it's reasonable that I should do, if I refuse to perform my duty I have violated just laws and I will know it in the nerve endings of my buttocks.

38:00 To fail to do what God demands through my parents, to violate their just laws is to bring retributive justice to bear upon my buttocks. Well, if mom and dad keep their word and say do this and you'll get it. Don't do this, fail to do this and you'll get it. And mom and dad keep their word and my blistered bottom is proof maybe when God says the soul that sins shall die He means it.

38:42 Except you repent you'll perish maybe He means it. When He says the wages of sin is death maybe He means it. And I suggest that the primary function of the rod is to impress upon the plastic moldable soul of a child those two great realities namely subjugation of their wills to constituted authority and the impartation of the conviction of retributive justice as a reality in God's moral universe. And then I want to say just a word about the occasions which demand it.

39:27 Because here again I see the most confusion among our own young parents and I plan to preach on this as my fellow elders give me leave sometime in the near future. I wrestled with this in my preparation. I said, Lord, can I simplify without oversimplifying? What are the real occasions which demand the application of the rod?

39:51 Well then I began to think of the old catechism. What is sin? Sin is any lack of conformity unto or transgression of the law of God. And then I said that's it.

40:02 What are the two basic occasions which call for the rod? Here they are. When a reasonable clearly perceived directive is wantonly refused by the child. When a reasonably clearly perceived directive the child refuses to obey it, it is there that the child needs the rod of correction to train his will that it's easier to obey than get a blistered bottom.

40:42 And you see the issue is not the issue. You see it's not the thing itself. For example, your child can say hello to the birds, hello to his dog, hello to his pet cockroach, but lo and behold when you walk out with him in hand Sunday morning and the preacher bends down and says, hi sweetie, and the parent says, say hello to the pastor, suddenly sweetie becomes a mute. And you know what breaks my heart?

41:23 Many a parent just walks by, and says, oh I wouldn't make an issue over that. My friend, the issue is not the issue. That child is learning that you can give a reasonable and clear directive and he can defy it and get away with it. The child may take his straw after you've gone to Hardee's or Wendy's, break it up into a hundred pieces and throw one little piece on the floor while looking at you.

42:03 And the other side of the room someone had a whole bundle of straws and threw them on the room and you say to the kid, pick up that little piece of straw you threw. And the child runs over and picks up the hundred straws on the other side of the room. That's not obedience. You say, oh well it only takes me a minute to pick.

42:22 No, no, no, no, no. The issue is not that thing that weighs a hundredth of a gram that's only that big. The issue is you gave a reasonable, clearly perceived directive and the child refuses to obey. At that point there is a clashing of wills and if your will does not conquer his by use of the rods God have mercy on you when the stakes get bigger.

42:51 And you've already taught the child he can do his wills even in the face of your clearly expressed will. I can remember my mother having sessions for an hour and a half over something so little as picking up a Kleenex. It was all out war. Now that I'm a grandfather I saw it two weeks ago.

43:16 My sweet little Justly not even two years old. And she's the charmer not just because I'm her granddaddy it's the universal testimony that anybody's got any sense. Twenty-five after nine Sunday morning. I'm going to the men's room before I go up to teach the adult class.

43:39 My daughter-in-law comes down. Her eight-year-old son in one hand. Her about seven, eight months old. There's only thirteen months between the two of them.

43:49 Baby in one arm. And little Justly holding her brother's hand. Hi, Just! She looked up and smiled.

43:56 Sweet smile. Mommy says, Justly, say hi to Pop-Pop. No hi. Justly, say hi to Pop-Pop.

44:07 Just smiled and ran over and put her arms out. Pop-Pop picked her up. Mommy says, say hi to Pop-Pop. And her little squeaky voice.

44:20 My voice is gone so I can't imitate it. No! I said, Ginny, the war is on. I'll stay here till it's over.

44:28 Go ahead, do what you gotta do. She went in the ladies' room. Wailed her good with her hand on her thigh. I could see her pink thigh when she brought her out.

44:41 Justly, say hi to Pop-Pop. Tears streaming down her face. No! I said, Ginny, the class will wait.

44:52 It's necessary. Go ahead. Second time. Wailed her good.

44:59 Brought her out. Say hi to Pop-Pop. She stretched her arms out. Snuggled over.

45:06 Tears made my shirt wet. Mouth shut. Ginny said, Justly, do you want Mommy's spank again? Hi Pop-Pop!

45:15 Hi Pop-Pop! Hi Pop-Pop! That's not the end of the story. I rushed up to teach the class.

45:26 When church was over and the main flow of the people went through as always happens. She saw me 30 feet away and every step as she approached me with every step it was Hi Pop-Pop! Hi Pop-Pop! Hi Pop-Pop!

45:41 That's not the end of the story yet. I got home and I called up my daughter-in-law and I wanted to commend her for dealing biblically with the issue. As a grandfather I now want to enforce the patterns of my children that are biblical. Now that they are parents.

46:03 You know what she told me? She said, Dad, you wouldn't believe it. In between the second or first or second spanking you know what she said to me in the ladies room? I said, I don't have a clue.

46:14 She's not going to be two until October. Through her tears she was saying, Mommy, I say Hi Gaga. That's my wife is Gaga. I say Hi Gaga.

46:26 I say Hi Uncle George. I say Hi John. I say Hi Beth. She said every name she knew.

46:34 But her stick had been driven on the words pop pop. And if she hadn't won the victory at that point of the battleground there could have been an erosion which added to others could have landed ultimately that little one in hell. Now you see parent you've got to get that fixed in your mind. Sure it's inconvenient to have a knock down drag out section over a Kleenex over three little words.

47:13 My friend, is it worth it to deliver the soul of your child from hell? Even though you may have your peers frown and my daughter-in-law had a couple of people question whether that was all necessary. It's a good thing I don't know who they are. I might be tempted to say some carnal things to them.

47:40 That's the first occasion. When there is a reasonable hear my words reasonable clearly perceived directive and the child refuses to obey they have rung up the flag saying two wills in this house the parental will and I will. And at the end of the session there better be only one flag on that pole and it better be yours. The second occasion for the use of the rod is this when there is a reasonable carefully perceived directive which the child willfully or carelessly violates. A reasonably a reasonable clearly perceived directive which the child willfully or carelessly violates. For example you train the child when he begins to walk that they do not stand on furniture with their shoes on. Now that is a reasonable and it's easy to make it clearly perceived directive.

48:59 Suppose the child willfully climbs up on the furniture with its shoes on looking at you all the while. You better bring the rod of correction. Suppose the child in his exuberance just forget. There is a marvelous connective system between the behind and the brain.

49:24 Marvelous connective system.

49:33 It may mean a warning once if it's careless violation but if careless violation is treated as excusable what do you do? You raise an irresponsible adult who every time he fails to do his duty says I forgot. And you formed him into that kind of a person. And dear people I felt something had to be said on that matter.

Practical Counsel on Admonition: Scope and Occasions

50:01 Now coming to the matter in the remaining time of admonition. What principles ought to guide us in the matter of admonition? Well let me suggest something in three areas. The scope of godly admonition.

50:21 The occasions for godly admonition. And finally the prerequisites for imparting godly admonition. Number one. The scope of godly admonition.

50:34 Our text says we're to nurture them. The means by which we nurture them. And we saw what a comprehensive task nurturing was. Taking the pattern of our Lord who was continually growing in wisdom, in stature, in favor with God and with man.

50:55 Obviously then the scope of our admonition, our warnings to them must be the totality of life viewed biblically. And here the book of Proverbs is God's great deposit along with the book of Ecclesiastes. Because the book of Ecclesiastes is the record of a man who surveys life under the sun and has learned by observation and experience wherein the true meaning of life is and is not to be found. And what do you find in the book of Proverbs as the scope of godly admonition? Well he starts out with warnings about evil companions. Warnings about a hard heart. Warnings about sins of the tongue, self-conceit, gluttony, drunkenness, the evils of laziness, the perils of the sluggard, the sins of refusing correction and admonition and rebuke.

52:11 Warnings about immorality and sensuality. Warnings about pride and envy and uncontrolled anger and an undisciplined spirit. Well why do they come in the admonitory warning form? For this simple reason.

52:30 When you've not experienced something in its harmful effects, the most certain way to prevent someone having to learn by experience is to put up a big sign saying danger, avoid the puddle. And it's the concern of the father in Proverbs that his son and his children not learn in the bitter crucible of experience but learn by warning and admonition. And therefore in the book of Proverbs the scope of godly admonition is as wide as life in all of its expansiveness, in all of its details. There is positive admonition and urging to cultivate the virtues of fearing God, of being generous, of being frugal, of wise stewardship, of modesty, of restraint of words. Every kind of virtue is brought forward by way of admonition. Every kind of sin is brought forward by way of admonition.

53:50 And so it means dear parents that there is no subject under the sun concerning which you are not under obligation to admonish them. That's the means put in your hands to see them nurtured under the Lordship of Christ. Well, having touched on the scope of godly admonition, what about the occasions for godly admonition? And I see two categories.

54:25 Number one, the formal or the structured occasions, family worship, where night after night, day after day, a father gathers his family amidst all the pressures of the complex schedules of the home, a father says with Joshua, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And fathers, you have every right while your children live under your roof to impose the way of the Lord upon them. And it should be non-negotiable. There never was one word of debate in my house about whether every member in it would come to family worship. Then Sunday morning came, every member got in the car and went off to Sunday school, Sunday morning and evening worship, and kept standards for the Lord's day. You see, even when your kids were older teens and weren't converted, yes, that was my responsibility. The fourth commandment says, even the stranger who comes within my gates must abide by the rule of my house under the Lord's commandment.

55:44 And so you as a father, in conjunction with your wife and the children's mother, must take admonition seriously. Structured family worship, kept flexible in terms of the ages and the needs of the kids, not this kind of Protestant evangelical rosary where you read the next chapter or the next few verses and pray the Psalms and pray the same little prayer to say you've had family worship. Know where you're concerned to have real open communication about spiritual matters. Where when you sense a given area of need emerging, you cry to God, Lord, where should I go in family worship now that will meet the needs of the children? And it's particularly difficult for us preachers. Our kids hear us all the time. They get sick and tired of us preaching at them.

56:45 That's why with much of my family worship I use the works of other men. So my kids grew up with Bridges and Bishop Ryle preaching at them. And they let them preach with their own mouth. When they got old enough to read, let them read.

57:00 Go through Pilgrim's Progress, role play, pass out copies. Let one of your kids be pliable. Let one of them be talkative. Let them enter into it and then get them to analyze it.

57:11 What is Bunyan getting at? Hey, talkative, what's wrong with you? Oh, my religion is not in my heart. How do you know it's not in his heart?

57:20 Use sanctified imagination. Make that structured time meaningful insofar as it lies within your power. There should be formal and structured admonition, family worship, under that heading specific times when there are specific needs in the development of your children. I grieve for the father who when his sons and daughters are coming into puberty does not have special times to sit down and formally and with dignity and with anatomy charts and with sound anatomical terminology describe their bodily functions.

58:05 What a tragedy. And this was told to my face when a girl has her first period and is so ashamed she burns her pajamas. It's enough to make you weep. When a boy can remember the spot on the street where some kid told him what his dad had to do to his mom to get him started in his mommy's tummy and he wanted to go home and mass his father's face.

58:35 I was that kid. And I determined my son would not learn the facts of life that way. And so it meant when the kids began to come into puberty there were special times with my own son Saturday mornings when we sat with Susie's babies. Best little primer on sexuality I know, it's out of print.

59:03 We hope to get it back in print. And when he started asking some pretty pointed questions where he had it mixed up on his internal anatomy I got down my anatomical charts and I opened them up from my Grey's anatomy and I'll never forget him saying Dad, isn't it great how God made us? And we got on our knees and his first explicit sex education came in the context of a loving relationship with a father in his study. And I can remember him thanking God for the way he made us.

59:47 Admonish them. As you see them coming into that stage when they're beginning to wrestle with the whole matter of their life's career and where they should put their energies and what their gifts are. They need you individually and alone. And my friend, it doesn't stop when they're 17.

60:04 I got frustrated the last three years. We are three kids all left the nest. One a year for three years. We had one wedding for three years in a row.

60:13 And those last three years we did more hands-on parenting than we ever did in our lives. I'd come down from my study after counseling till 9, 30 and 10 and think, boy, I can take my clothes off put my pajamas on and relax a little bit. And there's one of the kids lying on the bed with my wife and I'd have to ask permission to use their room to put my pajamas on. Sure, there were times I resented it.

60:38 I said, man, can't I even have my wife from 10 o'clock on? But there was need for admonition. They were preparing to be wives and eventually mothers. And they needed admonition desperately about their awesome roles and responsibilities.

60:55 And the occasion should be seized in the formal and structured way. And I've already anticipated the second category, the informal and the unformal. What we heard about this morning, the Deuteronomy 5 and 6 kind of admonition in conjunction with specific sins that emerge the first time you know your child has lied. That's the time to drop whatever you're doing and sit down and open up the Scriptures on what it says about liars.

61:27 What lying will do to the relationship between the father and the mother and the son and the daughter and any relationship in the household. How God regards lies. You seize that occasion. The dirty wash can be done some other time.

61:42 The kitchen can be cleaned another time. But at that point when the conscience is heightened in its awareness of its sin, drive home the admonitions. And then in conjunction with watching judiciously TV programs together, it's then that you need perhaps to push the mute button and stop and say, now listen kids, did you see that part of the dialogue? Did you hear what was really going on between so and so and so and so?

62:14 And you seize that occasion to bring the Word of God to bear upon them that they might have a mind nurtured as we saw last night to think critically and analytically and to see through issues to the core of what it really is. And so there are the formal and then the informal. Occasions. But then I close with what is most vital.

Prerequisites for Imparting Godly Admonition

62:41 What are the prerequisites for imparting godly admonition? If you and I are to use this instrument, what has to be true of us? Number one, we must be living in and by the Word of God ourselves. Ephesians 5, 16 and 17 be not unwise but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

63:09 You and I must be living by Romans 12, verse 2. Be not conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. And you must not only be living in but living by the Word of God. You know what makes you a wise parent?

63:30 It's not your gray matter as it may read out in an artificial IQ test. Ephesians 5, Hebrews 5, tells us, Full-grown men are those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern good and evil. It's when the Word of God is plowing up your heart, sensitizing your conscience, and then regulating your thoughts and your words and your life, you are becoming ethically and spiritually mature, able to admonish your children. Romans 15, 14, I am persuaded of you, brethren, that you are full of goodness, full of knowledge, able to admonish one another. Dear parents, if you are going to use this instrument of admonition, there must be new commitments to live in and by the Word of God yourself. Secondly, we must be observing and discerning of the world about us and our kids next to us. We must be observant and discerning of the world about us and of our kids next to us.

64:57 Two examples out of Proverbs. Remember what the writer said, I went by the field of the sluggard and I saw. You see, he just didn't walk by the field and not observe. He stopped.

65:18 And what did he see? He saw a field grown over with thorns and nettles. He saw no lush fruit. He saw no beautiful flowers or foliage.

65:33 He saw a stone out of place here and out of place there. And after he saw, he reasoned. And he said, that didn't happen in a day, it didn't happen in a week, it didn't happen in a month. What happened is this, the man that owns that field originally had in his schedule a half an hour every Monday afternoon go by my field, pull the weeds, replace any dislodged stones.

66:02 Half an hour a week, that's all that's needed. But he was a sluggard and when that half hour came, he was sitting on his duff and he couldn't get up. And he said, oh well, I'll just skip it this Monday and that Monday. And after a while, he saw the fruit of it and then he drew a conclusion that he passed on to his son.

66:25 He said, sluggardliness will be as devastating as an armed robber. The process will be slower, but the result just is drastic. He was an observer of the world, of the world around him and of his children next to him. And in that classic warning about immorality, Proverbs 7, you remember how it begins?

66:55 He said, I looked out through my lattice and I saw. And the whole description describes not an ordinary professional hooker out plying her trade, read the passage carefully. Because he observed carefully and he even eavesdropped. He listened.

67:22 And when the woman spoke, she said, the man is gone on a long journey with a bag full of money. He'll not be back until the new moon. My husband's gone on a long business trip. She was an older experiment who got the hots for a young innocent inexperienced.

67:52 No new thing under the sun. And the father having observed, he looked at his innocent son and he said, Oh, my son, listen to me. I saw through the lattice. I beheld and I heard.

68:11 And the last time I saw the boy when he went through her door, I knew that the way to her door was the way to hell. The way to a seared conscience. The way to a consumed body. Oh, my son, I warn you.

68:29 I warn you. I warn you. That's the prerequisites to be a father. But you say, I get up all uptight.

68:38 I can't talk about those things with my son. Then you better go to the one who said, if the son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. You better go to Jesus and say, Lord Jesus, you put this means in psychologically bound. Set me free.

69:03 Christ, man. This blood that will liberate you from whatever binds you from being a godly admonisher to your sons. You men, you can far more effectively teach your daughters how to be virtuous in their dress and modest. Let your wife teach them how to be a good wife.

69:32 How to be a good lover to their husbands. That's her unique privilege. But it's your job to teach her what modesty is. Only men know how perverse men are.

69:47 I remember the first time one of my own daughters who had a pair of jeans that were fine for her when she was a little girl and fine when she was working around the house. But as you girls know, when you're starting to become a woman and physiologically, God's causing your pelvic structure to be prepared for childbearing, the hips widen, and before long, it's no longer a little girl, it's a young woman with flesh in places both behind and above that mark her out as a young woman. And I'm not at all embarrassed to speak this bluntly. Ezekiel 16 makes that look very, very restrained.

70:29 So if you're offended, my friend, go to Ezekiel 16 and then if you're still offended, come and see me. All right? And on this particular day, those jeans were no longer the jeans on a little girl. They were the jeans on a young woman.

70:45 And they were simply too tight-fitting over her buttocks. She was going to go off to the local mall. I said, where are you going? Oh, I'm going with so-and-so to the mall.

70:53 I said, uh-uh. Well, why, Dad? I said, not in those. She said, what's wrong with these?

70:58 I said, sit down, honey, and I'll tell you. I said, you know what'll happen when you walk by the boys that are standing around and after you've passed by and they see you from behind, you know what they're going to say? I told her in the very language that the boys would use, that I won't use here. Now, she didn't particularly like it.

71:16 More than once, she's come to me and said, Daddy, thank you. Daddy, thank you. Modesty must be cultivated. Oh, you say, that's your temperament.

71:29 No, it isn't, my friends. I had parents who were silent on these issues, and I determined I would not curse my kids with that silence. I didn't inherit it. By example, I saw it in this book, and I said, oh, God, help me to be a man by the book.

71:48 So don't cop out and say, oh, that's Pastor Martin's temperament, and he's imposing that on us. No, it isn't my temperament. It's the fruit of prayer and pains born of the conviction that that prerequisite was one that God laid upon me to be observant and discerning of the world about me and of my kids next to me. So observant that I determined I was sharing with someone today.

72:18 They brought up the subject. I was told I was unrealistic. I said, I'm determined by the grace of God. And my girls, the first man they'll ever kiss on the lips romantically will be the man that will marry them.

72:30 And people laughed at me. You're kidding. That's a non-dead serious. What are you going to do?

72:35 Go around hiding the trunk of the car when they have a date with a hatchet? And no, no, there's several things I'm going to do. I'm going to talk to my daughters and explain why they ought to have that as their goal because ultimately they'll set the stage. Unless some strong man grabbed them and forced himself upon them, you girls set the stage as to whether or not any man kisses you.

73:01 And there's both a polite and a not so polite way to let him know if he's overstepping the bounds. You got a hand and you got a knee. That's right. And in the old covenant when a woman didn't use her voice and her hand and her knee, God held her accountable if she was forced beyond the bounds of propriety.

73:23 That's biblical. That's moral law. And I'll never forget the night when one of my daughters came in after the young man had already expressed his intentions to me and I had consented after spending many, many hours with him in the home getting to know him. And I looked at her and I said, so and so.

73:43 I said, your dad can't ever say now you've not been kissed by any man but me, Kenny. And she looked at me and her face was glowing and she said, mm-mm. I tell you it was worth it all. Talk to my son-in-law now and ask him if he thinks it was an unreasonable standard to set.

74:06 Ask him if he has any resentment because I talked to him when he started dating her. I said, hey, you know what you're dating? You're dating an attractive young woman that at least two other adult males have dated and no one's ever kissed her on the lips romantically but her dad. And I don't want you spoiling that record until it's clear that God's given you to one another.

74:29 That's another reason men why it's good to keep in shape. It adds a little something when they know if they step out of line you just might be able to put them on their ear if you needed to. Now I'm not advocating that. I'm jesting but it does help.

74:48 That's your backup system. Now seriously, do you see what I mean about being observant? How did I know she'd had her first kiss? Because I knew that there was a look about it that was different.

75:06 You see, you can know that much about your kids if you've got your eyeballs open. Of course you can. But it costs. You can't have your eyeballs full of yourself.

75:15 Full of how to make the next buck and how to make the next promotion and all the other things that may be carnally and selfishly motivated. The next prerequisite, we must give ourselves to earnest prayer. If we're going to impart godly admonition, what is true of preaching is true of godly admonition. Our gospel came not unto you in word only, but in power and in the Holy Ghost and in much conviction.

The Necessity of Moral Courage in Admonition

75:47 1 Thessalonians 1. Well, if we're going to say my admonition came not in word only, but in power and in the Holy Ghost, he gives the Holy Spirit to those who ask. There may be areas you know you're going to have to admonish, you'll have to give yourself to seasons of prayer. Seasons of prayer with fasting, crying to God, searching the Word, and there are instances too sacred for me to say publicly, but I'm not theorizing.

76:21 Wherewith my strong concordance in my Bible and my heart before God in this situation. Lord, teach me. Something must be said. I don't know what to say.

76:37 Lord, teach me and then empower me.

76:43 And then fourthly, here's the fourth prerequisite. And isn't it interesting again how the Holy Spirit is wove in all the messages together. We must be possessed of what I have written in my notes as moral courage. You know what my text is?

77:04 1 Corinthians 16, 13 and 14. Act like me. Let all that you do be done in love. Oh dear parents, listen to me.

77:18 It takes moral courage to run the risk of taking God's side against your children. And I have seen many parents press an issue of admonition or discipline up to the point where the children threatened to turn against them and then they backed off. They were unwilling for the very thing Jesus said He came to do. To bring a sword to set the daughter against the mother.

77:47 And if you're unwilling for the sword, you do not have the moral courage to discipline and admonish in the power and in the wisdom of the Holy Ghost. May God use the ministry of our brethren in these morning sessions lest we end up like Eli. You want a sickening example of a man who lacked moral courage? Turn to 1 Samuel 3, 13 and look at it.

78:19 It's a sickening picture. And what a horrible price he paid. Here are his sons who come to the priesthood because of their bloodlines not because of any eminence in grace. And the scriptures tell us that these men were so wicked that they fornicated right at the place of God's special presence.

78:48 And what did Eli do? 1 Samuel 3, 12 In the day I will perform against Eli all I've spoken concerning his house from beginning even unto the end for I've told him I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew because his sons did bring a curse upon themselves and he restrained them not. And you know what word is used in the Septuagint? The Greek verb.

79:24 The Greek verb, nuthetel. He would not admonish them. But when you turn to the record, you know what he did do? He whimpered.

79:35 He says, boys, the things you do is not good. That's what the scripture says. He said the thing you do is not good. But he lacked the moral courage to run into the midst of their orgy, pull the bodies apart and say to those women, be taken to the elders of Israel and be stoned for your immorality.

80:00 Bring the elders to bring the proper judicial punishment upon his sons. He had no moral courage. All he did was whimper. God have mercy on parents who only whimper.

Concluding Exhortations: Avoid Tyranny of Experts and False Guilt

80:16 They make a moral judgment. He knew the iniquity that they did and he even whimpered. But he did not just die and admonish. Now in conclusion, since it is the last night, there are just two PS's that I must get out of my gut and I promise to do it in three minutes.

80:43 Number one, parents, you know how I've stuck within the book. Don't be tyrannized by the experts. You'd get the impression in our day if you didn't listen to 1,400 different radio broadcasts and read 2,700 pamphlets and 14,262 books, just live in this book. And occasionally a proven man of proven worth may write something, but look, let it filter through your elders.

81:15 They're shepherds to your soul and I'm not talking about a Roman Catholic notion that in our Reformed Baptist churches you shouldn't read anything unless approved by your elders. That's nonsense. Anyone that would countenance that is off his rocker as well as perverse in his heart. But what I'm saying is this, you may not have the discernment to know what instruction is good and bad.

81:41 Ask someone who does. Don't be tyrannized by the experts. And then my final word is, don't be crippled by perfectionism or false guilt. Don't sit there and say, oh man, I blew it here, blew it there, no use.

81:59 Listen, listen, none of us is perfect as a parent. But if our hearts are set toward the Lord, we're willing to walk in blamelessness, acknowledging our sins. It's sort of like the marks in diving. Gymnastics is used to throw out the highs and the lows.

82:16 And if the bulk of your ministry is biblical, God's not going to cause your kid to go astray because you blew a thing here and you've missed a thing there. He knows our frame. He remembers we are dust. Don't be crippled by perfectionism.

82:35 And don't be crippled by false guilt. And what do I mean by that? I mean just this. The men and the seminars and the books and the theologians who say, if you do your job nurturing your children by chastening and admonition, they will eventually be converted, that is a doctrine of horrible, horrible consequences.

83:00 There are some children who will have godly nurture, and yet they will reject it and will be damned. Ultimately because God's electing grace is not bound to bloodlines or to the best of means. And I rest my case on two simple pillars. Isaiah 1, God says these words, I have nourished and brought up children and they have rebelled against me.

83:34 Is there anyone in this room blasphemous enough to say God was a bad pop to Israel? Ah, a perfect father, Jehovah, God of the covenant, perfect in love and wisdom and firmness, perfect in knowledge and understanding and in discernment, and he says they've rebelled against me. He had to send them into captivity. You may have a child who's in the far country.

84:09 You may have a child cut off in his or her sin. Don't carry the false burden that that's proof that you failed. That's a horrible doctrine. And the second pillar on which I rest my case is the doctrine of the foolish son in the book of Proverbs.

84:32 If there is no such thing as the foolish son who had good counsel and good chastisement and good admonition and yet rejected it, why the doctrine of the foolish son in the book of Proverbs? It's not the doctrine of the foolish mother or father. It's the doctrine of the foolish son. And that's why God made provision in Deuteronomy.

84:55 He says there's a father and mother has a son. And they bring him to the elders of Israel and say this our son is a drunkard and a glutton. And though we have chastised him, he has continued in his way. And he was cut off from Israel.

85:16 If God would use that, if he would use that word to take the burden from some man or woman's heart who's been tyrannized by this horrible truth that if you do your job right, they will turn out right. It ain't necessarily so. Thank God it is most generally so. But it ain't necessarily so.

85:45 Fathers, nurture them in the admonition and in the chastening of the Lord.