Non-Evangelistic; Legalistic; Prayerless Unbelieving Use

Review of Previous Failures and Introduction of Evangelistic Suffix

0:00 How not to foul up the training of your children. This is cassette number 15 in a series given by Pastor Albert N. Martin in the adult Sunday school class of the Trinity Baptist Church on April 21st, 1991.

0:16 ...of our homes as one which should be characterized by spiritual reality and transparency on the one hand, and emotional and relational warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill on the other hand.

0:33 We then began to focus our attention away from the climate, emotionally and spiritually of the home, to those two major means which God has given us as parents for the nurture and the training of our children. And according to...

0:54 According to Ephesians 6 and verse 4, the broadest categories of those means are nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. And so we have focused our attention for some weeks on the first of those instruments for the nurture of our children, namely, godly chastisement. And from the word of God we have established that in all of these things, God himself is to be our perfect model. And because the scriptures are full of a doctrine of divine chastisement, and because we are called upon to be perfect as our Father in heaven is perfect, and the new man is created after the image of him who made him, we have sought in all of the details of the outworking, of the biblical doctrine of corrective discipline, to take God as our model and then to look at specific passages, particularly the many in the book of Proverbs and in the book of the Psalms, which give us specific aspects of the use of the rod which are reflective of God's image and an indication of his will. Thus far we've covered these main headings.

2:22 First, the absolute necessity. of the use of the rod in the nurture of our children, secondly, the godlike character of the use of the rod in the nurture of our children, thirdly, the specific functions of the rod in the nurture of our children, and for several weeks now we've been considering the fourth category, the most common failures in the use of the rod in the nurture of our children. Now last week we addressed failures number six and seven, and tonight, this morning God willing, we'll take up failures eight and nine and hopefully have some time for discussion. If not, I plan to give the entirety of next week's class, God willing, for interaction from you with respect to all that we've covered under this first means of godly nurture before we move on to a consideration. A consideration of admonition or verbal instruction. However, last Sunday evening, and that's where the word evening got into my head, one of the brethren came and sat down to me and he was a marvelous example of gracious exhortation. He sat down and he said, now pastor, let me

3:40 see if I can give you the basic outline of what you covered this morning under failure number six, that is the detached or the isolated use of the rod of comfort. I said, yes, that's correct. And I used the analogy of prefix and suffix. And he said, as I remember, the prefix you gave us was that we should instruct our children from the word of God before we apply the rod, seeking to convince their judgment that what they are about to receive is righteous and to elicit from the child the fact that if we as parents are to be obedient to God, we must discipline them. I said, yes, that's what I sought to teach. And he said, now in the suffix, what you taught us, I believe, was that ordinarily it should be followed by mutual affirmations of love and some concrete appropriate expressions of closeness and goodwill. I said, you have a good memory, you've absorbed it. Then he very graciously said, but you know, pastor, should we not also, as the suffix, use it as an opportunity of evangelism?

4:49 And I said, you're right. I did that with my own kids. I omitted it simply because I drew a mental blank. And then we had a lovely chat about the fact that I ought to, in my review today, add a third element to the suffix of the proper use of the rod. And that is not only to follow the application of the rod when we see that it has brought a spirit of repentance, when it has brought in the child. I mean, now I would be surprised if we would have had such a Nina Academy student not be able to write an essay about this, because it would have been interesting. But most importantly, I think it was the same thing if we hadn't written about the fact that a child has a spirit of repentance, because it's already been covered by some kind of duality in the way that they were raised with it. And so, in that sense, of course, it seems that this is not our responsibility.

5:30 I think it's, you've seen this in the early days. The big question here, how do we know that a child is a person? How do you know that a child is a person? I think one is the relationship.

5:34 We are afraid of the fact that the language is a language that is not in the language of a child. It's not the language of a child, because it's not a language for a child. affirming their love to us and then in a manner appropriate to their age sex temperament circumstances etc and that's why I left the language very generic what is one child's meat is another's poison and with godly wisdom you must determine the appropriate expression of mutual closeness and goodwill. I would add a third heading as the suffix to the use of the rod and that is we ought to seize this opportunity to press the central issues of sin and grace how often with my own children at the end of a session with the rod I would ask the question now son honey sweetie whatever I would call the girls why did you do what you did and we would seek to show them and have them acknowledge afresh the truth.

6:27 That what they did was rooted in what they are it's because they have a sinful heart and they have a nature that is against god and against his law and then to press home the fact that their sin was not ultimately against mommy and daddy but it was against god and who's the only one that can forgive sin in the court of heaven and who's the only one that can change the heart and many a session with the rod was concluded with having the child pray asking god's forgiveness for his sin and asking god to give him or her a new heart that they might love righteousness and love truth and love obedience and love their brother and sister and love to be kind etc and then I as the parent or my wife praying for them and I'm grateful for this brother coming to me not only to point out what it would have been a very inexcusable lack but he was a very model example of

7:27 of a gracious in treaty and if you'd like to know his secrets you come to me I'll tell you his name and then he can pass them on to you I can think of others who would have come to me with a frown and said pastor you omitted a very vital part I'm sorry I didn't do anything called you say people talk to you that way well not quite with that volume but yes in that tone as though I wickedly and deliberately overlooked something like that but it was a delight to have a dear brother come and graciously point out what I say would have been a very inexcusable omission so that by way of review and appendix to the suffix and I trust if you are not in the habit of doing that that as parents you will seek to do that for again isn't that the end of all of god's discipline with us to bring us as his discipline of david and as his discipline of other writers in the psalms to bring us broken

The Eighth Failure: Legalistic Use of the Rod

8:28 to the feet of our god seeking his forgiveness and his grace that we might walk in a manner pleasing to him now we come then this morning to the eight and nine failures in the use of the rod and the eight common failure this list is not meant to be exhaustive but common failures as I observe them in my own life as a parent as I observe them in the lives of others as we see them illustrated in the Scriptures, and it's what I'm calling the legalistic use of the rod. The legalistic use of the rod. Now, the word legalistic is used with much latitude in our day, sometimes correctly and other times very incorrectly. You take a person who is meticulous about his obedience to God, careful to be honest to a bobby pin and to a paper clip, and meticulous about all the details of God's precepts, and he does it out of a motive of pleasing Christ and walking in the fear of God and is a rebuke to people who live half-hearted, double-minded Christian lives, he'll be dubbed, oh, he's a legalist.

9:46 No, he isn't. He is a careful, obedient, sensitive child of God. I esteem all thy precepts concerning all things to be right. And I hate every false way, the psalmist said, and Jesus said, he that is faithful in little is faithful in much, and he that is unrighteous in little is unrighteous in much. Your true disposition to honesty is not determined by what you do with the thousands and millions in the local bank, but what you do with the pennies and dimes that are in the petty cash drawer at work. If you're a thief, it'll show with your pennies. And so that's not legalism. The person who is meticulous and careful and detailed in his obedience out of love to Christ and the fear of God is not a legalist. He's a God-honoring Christian. But I'm using the term

10:45 in the sense in which it is properly applied to the ethical perspective of the Pharisees in the New Testament. They were legalists in that they not only thought their works could gain them merit with God and acceptance, in heaven, for you remember the legalist praying in the parable of the Pharisee and the publican, I thank thee, I am not as other men, I do this, I do that. That's a legalist, holding up the currency of his own works, which he thinks have bought him entrance to heaven. That's legalism with regard to acceptance with God. Legalism, when it comes to how to walk so as to please God, always has an ethical framework, that is marked among other things by these elements. An impersonal, insensitive, inflexible, predetermined set of rules, which go far beyond what God requires. An impersonal, insensitive, inflexible, predetermined set of rules, which go far beyond what God requires and because they are impersonal, insensitive, inflexible, never, never take account of the situation of the individual involved of the

12:10 the circumstances surrounding the individual and you remember how Jesus had to confront this again and again particularly with regard to the Pharisees and their legalistic views of Sabbath keeping. They had their predetermined set of rules, which didn't allow the picking up of any kind of household item on the Sabbath. Even if Jesus healed a man and said, take up your bed and walk, he broke our rules. They didn't care that a man was given a new lease on life by the power of God, perfectly consistent with Sabbath rest and rejoicing in God and Sabbath delight.

12:52 And again and again, the Lord ran head on into the impersonal, insensitive, inflexible, predetermined set of rules of the Pharisees, and they were constantly verbally spanking him. But you see, God does not deal with his children that way. Now, it is never right to commit adultery. It is never right to murder. It is never right to steal. I'm not talking of the liberals' view of situation ethics. But what I am doing is focusing upon such things as are reflected in the following passages. We're going back to God as our model. Please turn to Jeremiah.

God as the Model Against Legalism

13:29 Jeremiah chapter 10, verse 23.

14:02 To nothing. He says, O God, look upon me and take cognizance of what I am as a weak man, as an imperfectly sanctified saint, with the reality of remaining sin and human weakness and a temperament very vulnerable to sadness and discouragement. It's not a man that walks to direct his steps. Lord, correct me. I do not ask you to be something less than a loving father. He chastises every son whom he receives. But, O Lord, do it in measure, not in your anger, lest you bring me to nothing. You see, he's pleading something in the character of God, knowing that God's chastisement is never impersonal, insensitive, and inflexibly determined and inflexible by the measure of some predetermined set of rules. He says, Lord, I know you're

15:00 not like that. And he prays on that basis. Likewise, in Psalm 6, many believe that this psalm may well be a psalm that is connected with one of David's lapses into sin. And notice his prayer in the first two verses. O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger, neither chasten me in your hot displeasure. Have mercy upon me. O Lord, for I'm withered away. O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled. You see what he's saying? It's a bold imagery. He said, Lord, before you lay the rod on me, let your anger cool, because I'm already feeling the horrible fruits of my sin and my disobedience. My bones are already troubled. Lord, I don't need your rod to get my attention. Conscience

15:58 has already gotten my attention. O Lord, take cognizance of my pain. I'm already feeling my present personal situation before you exert further discipline upon me. And then the text so wonderfully and tenderly opened to us here from this pulpit a couple of weeks ago by Pastor Fisher, Psalm 103, verses 13 and 14.

16:23 Like as a father pities his children, so the Lord pities them that fear him, for he knows our frame. He remembers that we are dust. And in the preceding context, it has to do with God's mercy and graciousness, slowness to anger. Verse 9, he will not always chide, neither keep his anger forever. In other words, his dealings with us are not impersonal, insensitive, inflexible, administered by a predetermined. set of rules in which he doesn't hear our cry and see our state and remember our frame. Now, dear parents, we're to be like God. And in each situation which appears to warrant the use of the rod, if there's one text that I think you ought to print on the backside of the spoon, I said some of you need to have someone in calligraphy print on the front side, Colossians 3.

Applying God's Non-Legalistic Model to Parenting

17:32 And what is it? Verse 23. Whatever thy hand finds to do, do with all thy might as unto the Lord. But then on the backside, you need to have, and maybe on the front side and the other one on the backside is John 7, 24, where Jesus said, judge not according to appearance, but judge righteous judgment. Now, that's a critical text for every parent who would administer the rod in a God-like manner. It must not be administered in a legalistic way that is impersonal, inflexible, that takes no account of the particulars of that child at that particular time in that specific set of circumstances. Judge not according to appearance, something that may have the appearance of rebellion, may not upon investigation. Investigation indeed be rebellion, something that may have the appearance of five pounds of culpability, warranting five pounds worth of the rod of correction, may upon closer

18:47 examination be only a half a pound of culpability, warranting only a half a pound of correction.

18:57 And as I was thinking of a way to illustrate this, I thought of an incident that took me back many, many years. I can't give you the exact time, but my youngest brother. He is approximately 20 years younger than I.

19:13 No, in fact, he's 16, 17. As I was working at a summer camp, there had been four girls in a row, and when the last one came, I remember crying, and my dad taking me in the room, putting his arm around me, and he wasn't much at verbalizing things and saying, well, son, there's some things over which we just have no control. I can remember that when the fourth girl in a row came after it had been girl, boy, girl, boy. Then four girls in a row, and I was so disappointed I didn't have a brother, and I was working at a summer camp in Massachusetts, so I think I was 17.

19:46 And when the phone call came that I had a brother, I forgot to hang the phone up. I was so excited. My mother was three weeks overdue, and I kept waiting and waiting, and then when the call came, I remember running through the camp, I got a brother! I got a brother!

19:59 It was marvelous. I had a brother. Well, when he was just about two years old, I had my license, and I was home working that summer. I had to save up some shekels to go off to college for the next year.

20:13 Something happened in which my father was the direct cause of what appeared to be the mashing of the whole end of my kid brother's finger. It was all mangled, and the flesh was all torn. It looked horrible. And my dad was so broken up, he said, son, I can't stand to even see what I did to David.

20:36 Would you take him to the doctors? So I wrapped his finger up, and I hauled him off to our local physician. He just pulled all the skin and cut it off, and it was clean as a whistle. All he had done is, he had caught his finger in the door, and when he felt my dad close the door, at that time he was in a crib in my mom and dad's room.

20:54 We were like the old woman in the shoe that had so many kids, didn't know what to do. And so that was, at that time, the place where he slept. And unknown to my dad, when he shut the bedroom door, David's finger was...

21:07 was in there, and as it caught in the door, David pulled it, and what it basically did was just skin the finger. Didn't crush the bone or the muscle, but it was an awful mess. Bled like a stuck pig, and David was hollering. My father was so broken up, so broken up, that he couldn't even take him to the doctor.

21:24 He asked me to do it. Well, if you just looked at the externals, and I was on my way to the doctor, and you said, where are you going? On my way to the doctor. Why?

21:31 My father mangled my brother's finger. Well, where's your father? He doesn't even want to take him to the doctor.

21:38 Well, you don't want to take him to the doctor. Do you see all the conclusions you could have drawn from that?

21:42 Hard-hearted father, mashes his kid's finger, then doesn't even have the decency to care enough to take him to the doctor, and sends his 19-year-old son to do his dirty work for him. You could have drawn all kinds of conclusions, but you'd have been dead wrong.

21:57 You see, many times what appears to be really ain't what is. And that's true with our children. And if you have a legalistic approach to discipline, you are going to be abusing the rod again. Again and again.

22:13 What are some of the things you must take into account if you're to be godlike in having not a legalistic application of the rod, but one that is not only principled, but righteous? Well, the general temperament of the child. Some children break very easily. Others are as stubborn as a heifer, God says, unaccustomed to the yoke.

22:38 Take into consideration the general temperament of the child. Secondly, the specific circumstances leading to the apparent misdeed. Did you keep the kids up till midnight visiting in someone's home so that they had only half of their normal sleep? Well, you take that into consideration in the behavior patterns of the next day.

23:01 Because certain things are not so much the fruit of willful rebellion as physical and emotional weariness. And if anybody should be spanked, you should be. For not cutting off. Well, you're gabbing at 10 o'clock or 930 and getting home.

23:15 So why spank the kids? Because you're tired because you didn't have discipline to leave when you should. And they're tired. You see, that's unrighteous.

23:23 If you've got a legalistic approach that this particular act always brings this particular dimension of the rod, that's a predetermined, impersonal, inflexible set of rules. That's not like God. Don't do it. The general temperament of the child.

Considering Child's Temperament and Previous Responses

23:40 The specific circumstances leading. To the misdeed, the surroundings of the offense, the previous patterns of response to discipline. And here, a text in Proverbs is most significant. Proverbs 17 in verse 10.

24:00 It says here in Proverbs 17, 10, a rebuke enters deeper into one that has understanding than a hundred stripes into a fool. You see, the previous pattern. Show that here's a child that is being given either in God's common grace or because God has touched that heart with his saving grace, an understanding spirit. And just a rebuke breaks the child, brings the child to repentance and reformation and a pliable will.

24:33 Whereas you have another child who shows the budding disposition of a fool. Well, previous response must determine what we do. This passage says. If someone has understanding, you don't lay even two stripes on them when the rebuke will do the trick.

24:52 Whereas with others, 10 stripes are not enough. A hundred stripes don't even seem to dent him. Listen to Baxter. Poor Puritans.

25:01 They get accused of so much. You get the idea that the Puritan father was this stern, inflexible, hard-hearted creature went around whapping anything in his sight. If it smiled or frowned or jumped. For glee or giggled.

25:16 What nonsense read Baxter on the Christian home in that section, the marvelous distillation of practical, wholesome wisdom. Here's what he says in his Christian directory. Page 453 under directions for the discipline of our children. Point to let it be different according to the different tempers of your children.

25:38 Some are so tender and timorous and apt to be discouraged. That little. Or no correction may be best. And some are so hardened and obstinate that it must be much and sharp correction that must keep them from dissoluteness and contempt.

25:58 He says, now take that into consideration. Don't be legalistic in the application of the rod. And I would say by way of a concluding exhortation on this heading to you, dear parents, pray that God will keep you from a cold. Inflexible, impersonal, legalistic use of the rod.

The Ninth Failure: Prayerless, Unbelieving Use of the Rod

26:20 Just the time taken to make a righteous judgment is often the time needed to get your own spirit in a proper frame to deal out that discipline righteously and in a godlike manner. Well, the ninth and final common failure in conjunction with the rod of correction is what I am calling. This is one. We're.

26:45 God again and again dealt with me as a parent when our children were in that stage where the rod was a daily part of our family life, and that is the prayerless, unbelieving use of the rod of correction, the prayerless, unbelieving use of the rod of correction. We have often heard in this place that the best of means are but means. At best, the best of means are but means at best. Now, let's assume that here are a set of Christian parents, a godly man and woman who had thought through, prayed through, agreed upon the principles by which they will seek to administer the rod of correction and by the grace of God, not one of these common eight failures is characteristic of their. Patterns of discipline. Now, notice what I said. I didn't say they never fail in one or more point.

27:52 I said, but not one of these common failures is characteristic of the patterns of their discipline. Now, is it too much to expect that that can be true?

28:04 No, I don't believe it is. I trust it can be said by the grace of God with growing measures of certainty that among all the parents who profess to love Christ in this place, who have children who are still the the. The. Legitimate subjects of corrective discipline, that there is not a one of you who has a characteristic pattern of failure in any one of these areas, because if you do, who are you going to blame?

28:30 You can't claim ignorance. You've been instructed. You can't claim the standard was too high. You have a controversy with God.

28:39 You can't say God's grace is not sufficient to have a controversy with Christ.

28:44 No, we need not have any chronic pattern of failure in any of. These areas, however, that means of nurturing by chastisement, by correction, properly administered in its overall patterns. That best of means is what a means at best and without the blessing of God, none of the promised ends will be realized. None of them is realized automatically.

The Necessity of Prayer and Faith for God's Blessing

29:20 They are realized as God blesses them. So when we think of the promises attached to the godly use of the rod, Proverbs 22, 15, foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him. Will it do it automatically? No, only with the blessing of God.

29:44 When we are told in Proverbs 29, 15, the rod and reproof. Give wisdom, but a child left to himself causes shame to his mother. Do the rod and reproof automatically impart wisdom? No, only with the blessing of God.

30:03 And when we read in Proverbs 23, 13 and 14 that we are to chastise our children and in so doing, we will not kill them. They shall not die, but we shall deliver their souls from hell. Is that automatically going to? No, only with the blessing of God.

30:25 And while God's blessing is ultimately sovereignly dispensed according to his own will, the ordinary way of his dispensing is it comes in answer to the prayers of his people. And this is why the scripture tells us in Hebrews 11, 6, Without faith it is impossible. To please him in the discipline of your children. As in all things, he that comes to God must believe that he is, and he is a rewarder of those that seek him diligently.

31:03 James 4, 2. You have not because ye ask not. And so we must cultivate a spiritual discipline of prayerfulness in conjunction with the use of the rod. Now I'm not saying that a mother and father will always be able.

31:21 To get off and formally get on his or her knees in a secret place and pray. I said, cultivate a discipline of prayerfulness. Nehemiah was standing in the court of the king, and when the king asked him a question, why is thy countenance sad? Scripture says, so I prayed unto the Lord and I said unto the king, did he say, oh, excuse me, King off to his prayer chamber and then come back in all sweating as they will now know it was ejaculatory prayer.

31:50 He lifted up his heart. He lifted up his heart to God in the midst of those circumstances, and this is what I'm appealing to appealing for that we cultivate the discipline of prayerfulness for what you're coming into a situation where there's tension between the siblings before you start trying to judge righteous judgment, lift up your heart and say, oh, Lord, give wisdom. If any lack wisdom, let him ask of God, Lord, give me the wisdom of Solomon to sort out whose baby is here. Who spawned this fight, who started this issue, who is the more culpable, lift up your heart and say, oh, Lord, give me wisdom to judge righteous judgment, and if you sense your own spirit stirred up with carnal anger, you cry, oh, Lord, Jesus, slay that element in my heart that is unlike you, Lord, restrain my own sinful passions that I may not be able to overcome.

32:50 I administer this discipline out of the motive of love and not personal irritation, and then when in the midst of the spanking, the will is not yet sweetly pliant and submissive, and something in you says, I just can't bring the spoon down one more time, you say, God, give me courage. Give me fortitude to ride through the cries until I see the indications of a pliant will. You lift up your heart. heart to God for wisdom. You lift up your heart to God for restraint over your own sinful passions, for courage to be thorough in the discipline, for discernment to know when it is enough. Lord, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Give me wisdom. Give me light. Give me grace.

33:41 And then while you're administering the rod, with every administration of the rod, be praying, O God, may it indeed drive out foolishness. May it impart wisdom. May it deliver my child from hell. Take those very words and make them fuel for prayer while you're actually applying the rod of correction. And then after you've applied it, pray for its long-term benefit. God nowhere says that the rod once applied or occasionally applied, but the indication is that the rod is applied. Its proper influence upon the whole developmental stage of the child in its cumulative effect will produce these ends of driving away folly, delivering from hell, imparting wisdom. But none of those things are promised automatically. And I'm convinced that one of our greatest sins, as those who take seriously the biblical doctrine of the rod, is to be able to do the rod of correction, is to be found in the prayerless, unbelieving use of the rod of correction.

34:55 We say, well, I think I got the theory all right, and I'm going to apply it, and I'll show up everybody else. That stinking, rotten pride in God resists the power. God may frustrate the very ends, he says, are accomplished by the use of the rod. Why? Jeremiah 17, 5 and following, cursed be the man that trusts in man. And whose heart departs from Jehovah. That man, he says, should be like a heath in the desert, shall not see when good comings shall inhabit the parched place, a wilderness, a dry land where no water is. But blessed is the man whose hope is in the Lord and whose trust the Lord is. Could it be that God is cursing some of you in the use of your rod

35:41 because you're applying the rod in carnal confidence in God's resisting you, in pride that you really got it right, and God is going to mock your pride? I can only ask the question. I can only confess that again and again in those years with our own children, I would have to say that perhaps the greatest conviction among all of these common failures of which I have been guilty of every single one, some more than others, I think the one that was most, of which I was most guilty is this night. The prayerless, unbelieving use of the rod of correction, and how God had to bring me back again and again to that place where I did not have confidence that these things would simple, automatically effect what God has promised, but only with his blessing. And then we must cultivate a disposition of faith and expectancy. There are times when we're applying the rod and it doesn't seem to work. And we're not applying the rod, and it doesn't seem to work. And then we must cultivate a disposition of faith and expectancy.

Cultivating Faith and Expectancy in Discipline

36:49 There are times when we're applying the rod and it doesn't seem to work. And then we must to be driving one thousandth of a gram of foolishness from our kids. I've had parents come to me and say, Pastor, I spank him for this, but it doesn't seem to do any good. I said, look, if he's that much of a terror with all those spankings, what in the world would he be without them? If it's driving folly from him in answer to prayer and according to divine promise, what a terror he'd be. Don't say, how can you tell it's not doing any good? If he's that bad with all of that, what would it be like without it? So you just keep pressing on, pressing on, pressing on in prayer and in faith that God will bless his own means according to his own sovereign purpose. I will not take up at this point, I plan to take up at the end of our dealing with admonition, whether if basically we prayerfully administer a righteous use of the rod along with a consistent prayerful administration of admonition, that will... It will automatically secure the conversion and, if not the conversion, the basic decency of our children, and the answer of the Bible is no. N-O! And I won't go into it now, but

38:06 just enough in case we have visitors, I want to make this point. If these things would automatically and inevitably and in every case be produced on the basis of those general promises, then pray tell, where does the doctrine of God come from? Where does the doctrine of the foolish son find such prominence in the book of Proverbs? And the foolish son in the book of Proverbs is the one who would not heed counsel, who would not bend to correction.

38:38 Where does the doctrine of Deuteronomy 21 come in, where the parents bring the rebellious, gluttonous, drunken son to the elders and say, this our son is a glutton and a drunkard, though we have chastised him.

38:55 And I would resist with every fiber of my being that doctrine of tyranny that says to a parent who has a grown-up son or daughter who's turned out a fool, well, you must have failed somewhere with the rod or with admonition. That's wickedness. Now, the child's condition may indeed be the fruit of parental neglect, but not necessarily so.

39:20 Not necessarily so. And there's not one verse in all of the Bible, well, including the oft-misused text, train up a child in the ways she'll go, and when he's old he will not depart from it. That is not an absolute promise. It may not even be speaking about the things we're talking about here.

39:37 It may be a sober warning that if you indulge the child and train him up according to his way, you'll so lock him into a pattern of self-centeredness that even when he's old, you'll never call him back from it. That may be the proper rendering of the Hebrew and the proper sense of the text. So I do want to put that in now. As a disclaimer, we have visitors.

39:58 I wouldn't want anyone going out saying that we believe that tyrannical doctrine that leaves godly parents who did nothing perfectly, but by the grace of God, in principle, gave themselves to a balanced, wholesome climate in the family, gave themselves to godly nurture by the rod and admonition, and their children have turned out foolish sons and foolish daughters. Well, remember the last chapters. It was not yet written about their sons and daughters. And even when it's written, if it's written in the day of judgment that they are cast into hell, they'll go into hell as the foolish son and the foolish daughter whose wickedness overcame all of the contrary influences, and their culpability and the fires of hell will be all the more intense for them because they despise those means. Well, I said I hope to get through 8 and 9 and have some time. We've got time for discussion, and we've got a good 13 minutes left. 12, 13 minutes.

Q&A: Dealing with Child's Anger During Discipline

41:03 I'm sure there must be questions or comments that some of you would like to make now that we've covered these common failures in the use of the rod. Now's the time to raise the questions. I would prefer that you not try to have a private counseling session about your number two child and the incident of what you do when he continues to take the Johnson's baby, whether that's supposed to be for the baby's bottom and goes around and sprinkles it on the stick. I mean, let's not have a private counseling session about a specific element of casuistry, but general questions that would be of edification to others if we address them.

41:45 All right? Yes, Cynthia?

42:15 Are you envisioning a situation, Cynthia, where the child is angry because injustice has been done to him or is angry because... He's been caught.

42:34 I'm not quite sure what our field of concern is.

42:49 Mm-hmm.

42:52 Yes. Yes.

42:55 Yes. Mm-hmm. Well, it would be my judgment, unless there's some peculiar set of circumstances that would change it. Here's again, I want to qualify, because in every situation there are dynamics that are different.

43:09 But I would judge myself that this would be a good opportunity to bring to bear those passages about the controlling, of one's spirit. And therefore, I'd want to step in while the spirit was raging and say, now, son, sit down, and you listen to dad. You listen to mommy. The Bible says that whoever does not control his own spirit is like a city with its walls broken down.

43:31 Is that what you want to be? God says, with an angry man thou shalt not go. Do you want people to avoid you because you haven't learned to control your...

43:39 Bring the word of God to bear upon that very passion of anger and the lack of control of his spirit, and then... Then, bring the word of God to bear upon perhaps the other thing for which he needs to be disciplined.

43:52 And as a general rule, if at all possible, it's good to bring the word of God to bear upon the issue while it's undeniably present. Whereas if you let the thing go, and you say to the child 20 minutes later, now, when you were angry 20 minutes ago, I wasn't angry, mom. And then they lie. So now you've got to deal with his lie about their...

44:13 At least if you catch him in the middle, and you say, what do you mean you're not angry? Look at your face in the mirror, it's red.

44:20 You are angry.

44:22 And if you don't take mommy's testimony, let's bring in so-and-so. Do you believe your brother's angry? Yes. At the mouth of two witnesses it's been confirmed.

44:30 I mean, convince his judgment that he is angry, and he's not having control over his spirit, and then use that as an occasion. This is why, again, though we separate them for discussion, we see how intimate are the rod and reproof. Nurture them in chastening and admonition, and the two...

44:49 The two can't be separated, because in the midst of that, we're bringing admonition about the whole element of human character that must be brought into line with the Word of God, namely the controlling of our own spirit. So as a general rule, I would judge it would be proper while his own conscience, or her own conscience, has to affirm the rightness of your judgment. You're in the midst of a sinful stew. You've got a spirit that's wrong, that he wouldn't be able to even try to lie about it in that context, and then bring the Word of God to bear upon it.

Q&A: Age Appropriateness and Other Forms of Correction

45:24 Yes? Barb? Is the visible rod something else, like a measure of religion? I'm thinking particularly of some of the women in my group.

45:43 Yes. If you use self-standardism, what do you mean by that? Yes. Yes.

45:52 Yes. Yes. Very good question. Is there a certain age at which the rod of correction is no longer a viable means of correction, or should other means be used?

46:06 It's my understanding of the Word of God that there never should be a time while the child is a minor under my roof, when he believes he has exemption from the rod. I could not prove from the Word of God any such doctrine. Now, I know a lot of people talk about it, that you and Beth...

46:26 But I want the Word of God to tell me that. And when we read in Deuteronomy, this our son is a glutton and a drunkard, that was no ten-year-old kid. And we have chastised him for his gluttony and his drunkenness. And it was known in my house, until you were legally of age and ready to leave the house, if you couldn't abide by the house rules, the rod was never a museum piece.

46:54 All right? But, but, is it wise to begin to introduce other forms of corrective punishment, as the children get older? I say yes, because that's God-like. You see, God does not only show His displeasure by the rod of correction.

47:15 He says, if my people sin, I will shut up the heavens and give them no rain, and they'll have no crops. That's the withdrawal of almost even necessary commodities. See, people say, oh, the Bible never talks about withdrawal. Well, get away from this nonsense.

47:34 Go to heaven. Go to God as our pattern. God says, I will withdraw. I will hide myself.

47:42 If a child despises and treats lightly the privilege of free access to my affections, I may, as a matter of judgment, not hurt, not anger, withhold some of those privileges until he feels them enough to appreciate them. That's God-like. Therefore, I can do it as a parent. And the withdrawal of privileges, the withholding of certain things, that is God-like, and certainly a wise, prayerful parent will start to work those things in.

48:16 And it'll be different for everyone. Here you've got the kid that's an athlete, has been part of, you know, local ball teams and the rest, and one of the things you may do is to give a certain set...

48:27 And if you blow it here, you're not able to play in your ball game this Monday night. I mean, that's worse. He'd take 50 whacks on the behind as long as he can go and play ball. So you have to wisely learn to introduce the withdrawal of certain privileges, and that is God-like.

48:47 And I keep emphasizing that, and that's why I think it's so crucial we get our fundamental doctrine of discipline from God as our great model in his dealings with us as his children, because it all opens it up, delivers us from the tyranny of the experts. Never spank! Never spank a child before he's two years old. I read that in the evangelical...

49:07 It's supposed to be the Bible on parent-child relationships put out by an evangelical book house. I was given it by Rob to just look at it. He knew it didn't even need approval, didn't even put approval sheet in it. He saw enough in it.

49:21 I couldn't believe it. This Christian leader...

49:23 And I said, where's chapter and verse? Never spank a child that's two years old. Others say, don't spank them after they're 12. Who said that?

49:31 Where's this idea? If you throw them the car keys, now they're exempt from spanking. Show me that from the Bible. And the crucial issue, Barb, in that is that in our discipline, as they begin to come up into those years where it registers with them and could make sense, that we make it plain to them that we are not disciplining them because we're bigger or stronger, because the time may come when we're not.

49:53 But we do this in God's name. And I believe in most cases, if that is properly set into the framework of the discipline, a five-foot-one, 98-pound little wisp of a mama could lay a pretty good thrashing on a six-foot, 285-pound teenager. In fact, I remember a very touching incident. I told some of the men last week.

50:18 I'll never forget it. A godly family I met out in the Midwest. And this father had woven into the texture of his discipline of his son this concept. Well, the son was of college age and he'd come home for a holiday and had asked to use his dad's car and the dad said, yes, but here are the terms.

50:36 And he laid them out very clearly and the son broke one or two of those terms. And he took him downstairs. He said, son, you're big enough to knock me all over this cellar, but I'm still your father. And you willfully, blatantly disobeyed me.

50:51 Maybe you thought because you're off to college now and you're a hot-shot college student, you no longer have to fear the rod. But as long as you are under this roof and I'm accountable for what you do, I want you to feel the seriousness of it. Now you can turn around, restrain me and the rest. I'm willing to run that risk.

51:08 Drop your drawers. And the son stood there and took it and thanked his dad. Never again did he do such a thing. Well, I believe that's the kind of framework we ought to aim at in cultivating that awareness in our children.

51:26 That's why it's so vital at the early stage that we bring the word of God to bear, as we've said, the prefix to the rod. Your sin deserves this. What must mommy or daddy do? Why?

51:36 Because God tells me to do it. Well, if that framework is locked in, hopefully it will carry the conscience and even restrain the resistance. That's why some of you parents I've seen in instances where you let your children resist you in spankings and the only way you're able to administer spankings is you overpower them. No.

51:56 Don't do that. Don't allow that. Because the time's coming when they might be able to overpower you. Then what are you going to do?

52:05 My parents never ran after us to give us a spank. They said, you come here and you go into such and such a room. And if we dared to run, I don't know what would have happened. We didn't dare.

52:16 We didn't dare to. And if there was any fighting, we were told, you get over my knee. That's where we got it most of the time. Get over my knee.

52:25 Well positioned so there wasn't any abuse. And if there was any fighting whatsoever, we were told, you stop there or you'll be spanked for your resisting the spanking. And some of you overpowering your kids. What are you going to do?

52:40 They're not strong enough to overpower you. So that's why the isolated use of the Rob is so dangerous. We need that prefix and the suffix that we've dealt with. Well, Barb, have I at least in principle answered the question?

Q&A: Privacy in Discipline

52:54 Good. All right. We've got time for one more. Yes, Nate?

53:17 Yeah. Well, that's why I think the matter of the question is if you've got children, especially if they're close of age and the temperament is different and one stroke breaks one or just a sharp word, the other is more like the emerging fool that's going to need a hundred stripes. That's why I think it's a good policy wherever possible to do the disciplining in private. Wherever possible to do it in private.

53:40 The child then is not embarrassed before his siblings or his playmates. And then it gives you a chance to individualize the prefix, the root, task, and the suffix. And as much as possible, that ought to be done. And I thank God again for that example my parents set.

53:57 So if people say, Well, I've got too many kids. The house is small. There were ten kids in our family. Never any more than eight at one time.

54:04 But during one of those periods, we also had a grandmother and an aunt living with us in a six-room house. Not six-bedroom. A six-room house. And yet most of our spankings were done in either total privacy or semi-privacy.

54:17 And I look back and I marvel that God gave my parents the wisdom and the ingenuity to find a private place. Maybe that's why the bathroom was the general place because that was about the only secure private place. In our home. And that's where we generally got our serious spankings.

54:33 You pulled down the shade while Dad locked the door. And that's very much stamped in my memory. That was the ritual. You were led into the bathroom.

Concluding Exhortation and Prayer

54:42 You pulled the shade down while Dad locked the door. And then you met in the middle. Well, our time is gone. And what I'd like you to do, I'm sure there are more questions to go back over and review these common failures, the fundamental doctrine that we've sought to open up from the Scriptures.

55:01 And some of you have occasion to come by during the week when you deliver your kids or others at the school. A number of you will be present Wednesday night for prayer meeting. I would appreciate it if you have a question that you write it out. You don't need to sign it.

55:17 And just leave it in the church office. Maybe we'll have a little box there if we can, Ann, that'll say questions for Sunday school class. And that way, I'll be able to pick them up on Wednesday night and give some previous thought to them before we come, God willing, next Lord's Day morning to address them. And I'm sure there'll be some common denominators and that will help me to collate them into categories and I hope be more edifying and be more certain of my responses in those things.

55:45 All right? Well, let's pray and thank God for His help and His presence with us this morning. Our Father, how thankful we are that we have the Scriptures, as a lamp unto our feet and a light to our pathway. And we thank You for the conviction You have given us that Your Word is not only inspired and profitable for doctrine, reproof, correction, instruction in righteousness, but adequate to make the man of God thoroughly furnished to every good work.

56:21 We thank You that we need not be at the mercy of the Son of God, but at the mercy of the so-called experts. For we know that today's expert opinion is tomorrow's questioned opinion and before long becomes the discarded folly of the so-called expert. We pray that we will be convinced that the Scriptures do indeed give us all that we need for a sound, wholesome doctrine of the righteous use of the rock. Forgive our sins in conjunction with the discipline of our children, especially, O God, our sins of prayerlessness and unbelief. Wash us in the blood of Christ and make of the parents of this congregation a prayerful, believing group of parents whose administration of the rod of correction is not only righteous and free of any patterns of these common failures, but bathed in prayer and therefore blessed by the Holy Spirit. Hear our cry and answer us, we plead in Jesus' name. Amen.

57:43 You have been listening to How Not to Foul Up the Training of Your Children by Pastor Albert M. Martin. These cassettes are distributed by the Trinity Book Service. If you would like a free listing of other audio cassettes and books, please call us at 1-800-722-3557