Avoiding Coldness & Distance

Introduction and Review of Child Abuse Definition

0:02 How not to foul up the training of your children. This is cassette number three in a series given by Pastor Albert N. Martin in the adult Sunday school class of the Trinity Baptist Church on January 20th, 1991.

0:19 How many of you were listening to some or all of the broadcast this morning on the way? Well, a goodly number of you. And you know that the thrust was very pointedly and basically evangelistic, and I think it would be well for us as we pray, believing that the Spirit alone can make the word effectual, that as that word goes into many homes, God will own it with power, and that we may see the fruit of God's blessing upon the word, even in awakened souls coming and taking their place among us, hungry for more of the bread of life. So let us pray for that seed that has been sown,

1:01 as well as for God's help and blessing as we take up this morning the third of our studies focusing on this matter of the care and nurture of our children and the terrible and devastating effects when we fail to give that care according to the word of God. Let us pray. Our Father, you have taught us in your word that apart from your Holy Spirit's work, men cannot...

1:34 and will not... believe the message of the gospel.

1:38 We think of our Lord Jesus, he to whom the Spirit was not given by measure, speaking words of grace and truth, and yet they turned and said to him, say we not well that you're a Samaritan and have a demon. O Lord, if they accused your beloved Son of being demon-possessed and speaking because of your word, because he was ignorant of the scriptures and had only a half kosher religion, then we know that men will despise the authoritative word of truth from any one of your servants. And we therefore pray that you will overcome

2:21 men's native pride and love of sin. And as that word went forth this morning and as it goes forth in other parts of our country throughout the day, we plead, we plead, we plead, we plead, we plead, we plead, with you, O God, that the word may run and have free course, that you will do for many what you did for Lydia when it is said that you opened her heart so that she attended to the things that were spoken by Paul. O Lord, come with that key that you hold in a hand that possesses all authority, and will you not open many hearts and bring many of

3:03 our fellow countrymen to repentance and faith? And, O God, may we see some awakened and disturbed who would even make their way to this place and be found seated under the word of God this morning. And now, our Father, as we come to our study in the class today, again we plead for the Spirit's grace and help to be our portion. Hear us as we plead for these mercies.

3:33 Reminding you of your promise that you will give the Holy Spirit to those who ask you. Amen. Now, for those of you who may not have been with us in the last couple of weeks, we come this morning to our third study in the general theme of child abuse, or what might more properly be entitled, Are We Nurturing or Abusing Our Children? Now, briefly, to review why we have taken up this subject and where we are in our study, let me state

4:17 the following. First of all, Pastor Nichols, at the request of some of the elders, dealt with the unsavory subject of child molestation or sexual child abuse some weeks ago as part of a series of sermons on the aggravated vices of this generation. And in seeking to be sensitive to the feedback from that study, and based upon general pastoral sensitivity and awareness, it was felt that a treatment of the broader and more general subject of child abuse would be unto edification. I'm still not happy with the terminology. My wife

4:58 and I were talking about it, I think, late last night, and perhaps the term child neglect would have a better connotation. And yet, that already is a term that is being used in the civil service, that is already an in-house or an in-vogue term, and has limitations and generally is used when people deprive their children of sufficient food or shelter and care and protection, and that's what's considered child neglect. So, I'm still fishing around for the best terminology, but at least what we have done, that gives an explanation of why we're taking up the subject.

5:38 in our initial study was, first of all, to set forth the undergirding presuppositions of our study, and then to give a working definition of child abuse for our purposes in this study. And our two fundamental undergirding presuppositions are that the duty of Christian parents is outlined in Colossians 3.21 and Ephesians 6.4. With its negatives, fathers do not irritate or embitter

6:10 your children that they do not become disheartened, and negative and positive, fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. And then the second presupposition is this, that these duties outlined in those verses require the righteous use of spanking and authoritative verbal instruction and correction. If the appointed means to nurture our children are chastening and admonition, then the righteous

6:47 use of spanking and authoritative verbal instruction are mandated by God, and it matters not what the child psychologists say, what the educational and educational gurus say, the word of God is true, and let God be true, and every man a liar. And therefore, our presupposition is that spanking, righteous spanking, and authoritative verbal instruction will never be outmoded. And then for a working definition of child abuse, as we will use it, I gave you the following.

7:31 It is a sustained pattern of exasperating or provoking a child to anger, or a sustained neglect of those means ordained for the child's nurture, or an aggravated act of inflicting permanent damage to the body or spirit of a child. And the emphasis in this definition falls...

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The Climate of the Home: Hypocrisy as Child Abuse

8:44 Now then, with those presuppositions and that definition in place, I then opened up the class, and you gave some very helpful input regarding various ways in which, according to that definition, we as the people of God could be guilty of one form or another of child abuse. But concerned that we have this material in some framework for recall and for practical use and implementation, last week I took a more formal teaching approach as opposed to a dynamic interaction with you, not that I do not enjoy that other method nor feel it's profitable.

9:24 But I felt this method would be more profitable, and so we began to focus in upon an outline of presenting the various ways in which we can be guilty of child abuse according to this definition. And the first is what I described as the overall spiritual and emotional climate of the home. And I want to add a word to that. As I worked on this material this week in retreats.

9:55 And as I reflected on it, it appeared to me that I should add a word. Not only should we be concerned about the spiritual and emotional climate of the home, but also the physical climate of the home.

10:15 That this is a very real part of what it is to nurture our children, is to see to it that under God we create both the spiritual, emotional, and physical climate of the home. A climate in the home which is conducive to the nurturing, to the positive, wholesome development of the totality of our children. And we then began to take up last week and sought to identify some of what I call the spiritual radar that can be in the atmosphere of the home, some of the invisible but noxious things.

10:57 Suspended particles of asbestos which our children can breathe with respect to the overall spiritual, emotional, and now physical climate of the home. And we had time only to focus upon the first of these noxious kinds of influences that comprise the climate of our homes. And it is, as I gave it to you last week, when a home is characterized. By hypocrisy as opposed to sincerity and reality.

11:34 And we turned to Matthew 23 and we extracted four major characteristics of the hypocrisy of the scribes and the Pharisees concerning which we saw that these principles can be tragically operative in a Christian home. Demanding standards in church. Disregarding children which we ourselves do not follow or exemplify, they say, but they do not. Glaring inconsistencies glossed over by the clever use of words, verses 16 to 22, making distinctions between the temple and the gold of the temple.

12:17 Obvious perversion and distortion of biblical values, straining at gnats and swallowing camels. I hope you never. Forget the grotesque illustration of our Lord. And then fourthly, preoccupation with externals while tolerating gross internal vices, verses 25 and 26.

12:41 You make clean the outside of the cup and the platter, but inwardly you are. And it is this climate that will provoke our children to anger. The children have an amazing sense of fairness, at least when it comes to the action. But they do have an amazing sense of fairness, and they know when mom and dad are saying, do, do, do, do, because I say, say, say, but cannot say, do, as I do.

13:14 They know that something is not right, and it provokes them to anger. When they see glaring inconsistencies, what you punish in them is anger, you excuse in yourself as righteous irritation. That they're unpronounceable behavior, you're playing games with words, and they become cynical and resentful. And when they see an obvious perversion and distortion of biblical values, and see you more concerned when they choke on a gnat than when you swallow a camel, they become dispirited, as well as have a conscience that is wrongly conditioned concerning the law of God.

13:55 And when they see a preoccupation with externals while tolerating gross internal vices, verses 25 and 26. If one came home with the smell of cigarettes upon his breath, he'd be grounded for three months and thoroughly spanked and sent up to his room, and yet they allow the brother or sister to go around with a pouty lip day after day, petulant, pouty, and defiant, and there's never a spanking.

14:22 Straining at the gnat of tobacco and swallowing the camel, a blatant rebellion stamped on the lower lip of the camel. He'd die of irritatedness and anger. That's the climate, my dear people, that is noxious. And look up the word noxious, if you think it's too strong or inaccurate, look it up.

14:37 I looked it up again this week. It's that which is deadly and disgusting. And it is a noxious climate in any home, when that climate is marked not occasionally, through the horrible effects of indwelling sin or the subtlety of the devil, but through But as a sustained pattern when it is marked by hypocrisy as opposed to sincerity and reality.

Coldness, Distance, Tension, and Ill-Will: The Second Noxious Climate

15:10 Now we come to our new material. The second is the first thing that creates this climate that is abusive to our children. Now we want to come to the second thing that contributes to such a radon, asbestos-filled climate spiritually in our homes. And I'm describing it this way.

15:38 A home characterized by coldness, distance, tension, and ill-will. A home characterized by coldness, distance, tension, and ill-will as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill. Now whenever the climate of a Christian home as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill. Now whenever the climate of a Christian home as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill.

16:22 Now whenever the climate of a Christian home as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill. Now whenever the climate of a Christian home as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill. Now whenever the climate of a Christian home as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill. Now whenever the climate of a Christian home as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill.

16:30 Now whenever the climate of a Christian home as opposed to, and then you just take their opposites, warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill. qualities of warmth, closeness, harmony, and goodwill, there you have a home in which there is perpetual child abuse in terms of the spiritual radon and the spiritual asbestos in the air. Now let me ask you a question. Within the home, what are the groupings of relationships in which any one or more or, alas, tragically, all of these noxious qualities can be manifested?

17:05 What are the groupings of relationships that can be characterized by coldness, disdain, tension, and ill will? What's the first grouping of relationship? Anyone? All right, husband, the wife. So if the climate between the husband and the wife is characterized

17:31 by coldness, then what is the first grouping of relationships? If it's characterized by coldness, disdain, tension, and ill will, it will have a horrible effect upon the children in that home. All right, what's the second grouping of relationships within the home? All right, the parents to the children. So let's get a little guy and

17:52 a little gal here. All right, it is the parent-child-child-parent relationship, and that can be characterized by coldness, disdain, tension, and ill will. Either this direction or that direction. Either way. All right, and what's the third category of relationship within the home?

18:16 All right, the siblings, the brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, the relationships that exist in this direction. Now, obviously, all of this is under the eye of the living God. That's a given. That's an assumption. But within the home, you have basically those

18:34 three relationships. Now, I know there are exceptions, but we're talking about the three relationships. The ordinary home situation, sometimes you have a single parent, sometimes you have a child in this home, sometimes you have a single child. I'm fully aware of those realities. But we're dealing now with mainstream family structure, and that applies to the

18:55 vast majority of those to whom this has direct relevance.

The Husband-Wife Relationship: The Key to Home Climate

19:01 Now, with respect to the climate of the home, what is the key to making sure that we do not have a home? What is the key to making sure that we have a home? What is the key to making sure that we have the horrible, noxious influence of spiritual radon and asbestos in terms of coldness, distance, tension, and ill will? What's the key to the whole climate of the home? Is it this, this, this? What's the fundamental key? And we'll set the tone for all the rest.

19:43 All right, I'm assuming that basic everything is the relationship of the man and the woman, and if the children are saved, to the Lord. But at the human level, what is the most fundamental relationship, which if it is what it ought to be, there is the most likelihood that every other relationship in the home will be what it ought to be? Husband and wife. I'm not looking for anything profound. Let me state

20:17 it this way. Next to your prayers, do you know what the greatest gift you can get to your children is? A relationship as husbands and wives that is characterized not by coldness, but by coldness. By growing warmth, not by distance, but by growing intimacy, not by tension, but by growing harmony, not by ill will, but by growing manifested goodwill one to another. That's

20:46 the greatest legacy you can leave to your children. And the greatest abuse you can bring to your children is to have a climate between marked by coldness, distance, tension, ill will. And we as pastors are sorting out week after week the horrible fused with the fruits of

21:24 the child abuse inflicted by a climate between mom and dad as husband and wife marked by coldness, distance, and ill will. And we as pastors are sorting out week after week the horrible fused with the fruits of the child abuse inflicted by a climate between mom and dad as husband and wife marked by coldness, distance, tension, and ill will. I didn't get this stuff out of the book. It's been wrung out of the agonizing, heart-gut-wrenching pastoral interaction with members of Trinity Baptist Church.

Ephesians 5:22-33: The Blueprint for a Healthy Marriage

21:41 And I want to spare the generation that's in the rooms down below us and spare their elders and their spiritual guides. May God help us to face these issues honestly and with openness before the Lord. I want to give you a gift of wisdom. I want to give you a gift of wisdom.

21:46 I want to give you a gift of wisdom. I want to give you a gift of wisdom. I want to give you a gift of wisdom. I want to give you a gift of wisdom.

21:50 I want to give you a gift of wisdom. I want to give you a gift of wisdom.

22:13 And I want to give you a gift of wisdom. And I want to give you a gift of wisdom. I want to give you a gift of wisdom and of faith and a blessing as an ordinary employee of God. May God bless you with the gift of wisdom.

22:20 I found you today with the gift of supported wisdom and a blessing. And I thank God that I'm living wholeheartedly with you. I'm blessed to see that with you. I'm blessed to see that with you.

22:30 Not only by God. He has younger and clearer H Net. I've received буд Gong now for which I dedicate generating my as facultie. It's ourcible.

22:34 I'll show you how I's healing. I'll tell you how it's healing. I'll tell you all. He hates bubble I'll payус I may say.

22:40 Ephesians 5, 22 to 33, is pursued by the husband and wife with some growing measure of practical implementation and pervasive manifestation. May I run that by again? Paul does not come and say to fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but nurture them, until he first of all has said, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands as unto the Lord. Wives, reverence your husbands.

23:26 Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, gave himself for it. Nourish and cherish your wives as you do your own body. And as Christ does the church, and he's assuming that in the power of the Holy Spirit, Ephesians 5, 18, in a climate of spirit, rock, joy, and feeding upon the word of God, there is some degree of growing measure of implementation and manifestation of the Christ.

24:08 Church, church, Christ relationship, blessedly percolating between this man and this woman. And I want to state it as bluntly as I know how. If some of you don't stop your stubborn, proud refusal to come to grips with Ephesians 5, 22 to 33, you can go on having family devotions till 2 o'clock every morning, you can send your kids to the best Christian school in the world, sit them under the best preaching available, and they will go into life emotionally and spiritually.

24:49 And it's the climate of your home that's filling their spiritual lungs with radon and with a speck as your own husband-wife relationship doesn't even begin to reflect the norms of Ephesians 5, 22 to 33. And you've got us!

25:24 Stop blame-shifting and begin under God to get on your knees as husbands and wives and cry to God that he'll fill you with the Holy Spirit and humble your stinking pride and all the other things that keep you from under God having a climate in your husband-wife relationship that is marked by coldness, distance, tension, and ill-will, and begin to have a marriage that exudes love.

26:00 A wholesome atmosphere of warmth, of closeness, of harmony, and of continuous evidences of good-will.

Proverbs on the Impact of Marital Climate (Part 1)

26:17 Now what happens if you don't do this? If you as a husband are not seeking to love your wife with sensitive, suckering, nourishing, self-giving, guiding love, the very love that Christ has to its church, a home where you as the head will not tolerate in your relationship to your wife, emotional coldness, relational distance, tension, and ill-will. A home in which a wife is seeking to submit with a respectful, appreciative, supportive, non-adversarial disposition.

26:52 She will not sustain a climate of coldness, distance, tension, rebellion, ill-will. If this is not true, what's going to happen? Well, open your Bibles to the book of Proverbs and listen to what the writer of the Proverbs tells us.

27:10 Proverbs 15. Verses 17 and 18. Better is a dinner of herbs. Some of us still say herbs without pronouncing the H.

27:25 If you feel more comfortable pronouncing the H and say dinner of herbs, that's your liberty. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a scald ox and hatred therewith. The kids are coming to dinner. They come in the door and they say, Hey, Mom!

27:45 What's for dinner? Well, I'm afraid, son, nothing much different. Daddy just went out and picked some herbs from our herbal garden. But, Mom, we've had that every day for five days.

28:00 She said, I know, son, but things are tight. And herbs is what we've got. And herbs is what we're going to eat. But when they gather around the table, there is an atmosphere of warmth, closeness between Mom and Dad.

28:17 Evidence, harmony between them. The goodwill to one another just exudes in the way they look at one another, the way they speak to one another. And children gather around that table where Mom and Dad have that kind of relationship. And, you know, herbs don't taste so bad, after all.

28:38 Down the street, another kid comes in and says, What's for dinner, Mom? Says, Oh, you know that ox that we've been fattening up, the one that's been in the last bin? We move him up from bin to bin. Oh, yeah, well, Dad's...

28:49 We've slain him. And we're having that choice piece of meat come right down along his spine. We are having sirloin tip of ox tonight.

29:05 And the kid says, Well, that's nice, Mom, but can I ask the question? Are you and Daddy going to speak to one another at the table?

29:16 Are you going to look at Daddy with that cold look in your eyes, Mommy? And is Daddy going to look at you with that distant opaque? Oh, look! He says, If so, Mommy, please send me next door.

29:32 They only got herbs on their table. But, oh, what a lovely, warm, close relationship between the Mommy and Daddy. I'll take herbs rather than ox tonight, Mommy.

29:46 Now, if that isn't what the text says, you come up here and expound it, will you, please? The dinner of herbs where love is sold, ox, and hatred therewith. Why?

30:05 Because where hatred, whether it seethes and burns and simply means opaque eyes and silent tongue and the lack of those things that bespeak love and goodwill or whether it breaks out in little sarcastic digs and little double innuendo, not sexual double innuendo, but double innuendo in terms of things that could either be statements of fact or insulting. Better is the dinner of herbs. Better is the dinner of herbs where love is present, making the speech into the salt of love and holy laughter and tenderness and understanding, where speech becomes a vehicle on which the love and the goodwill

30:50 and the closeness and harmony and the warmth between a husband and wife is floating backwards and forwards, spilling over onto the spirits of the children around that table. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled ox. And hatred.

31:12 Again, Proverbs 17 and verse 1.

31:18 He goes from herbs to nothing but a stale piece of Italian bread. Better is a dry morsel.

31:29 What's for dinner, Mom? Just a little piece of that Italian bread we had with the spaghetti dinner last night and as best as I wrapped it in the saran wrap because I heated it in the microwave. It's pretty dry. It's pretty dry.

31:45 It's pretty dry. It's pretty dry. It's pretty dry. It's pretty dry.

31:45 It's pretty dry. It's a morsel of leftover bread and it's dry, son. Better is a dry morsel and quietness therewith.

31:55 But, son, when you come to the table, a climate of wonderful peace will be there. Mommy and Daddy love each other. And Daddy, in ruling the home, is making sure that you kids don't have any outbursts of temper, outbursts of picking on one another. He's making sure that if there's something, something you've done to offend one another, it gets sorted out before we come to the table.

32:22 Son, it isn't very much. Honey, it isn't very much. Dear, it's not very much. It's just a little morsel and it's dry.

32:30 But there'll be blessed peace about our table. Better is a dry morsel and quietness therewith than a house not only feasting, but full of feasting with strife. I won't draw out the analogy.

32:54 Ten courses, feast. But at every course, strife is collared between Mom and Dad and Dad and Mom, spoken or unspoken. And at times, though angry words are not shared, the air is so thick of the spirit of strife, you can almost reach your hand into it and draw it back, bleeding.

33:18 God says it's... Why?

33:21 Because that climate of strife, like the climate of strife, the climate of hatred, is a horribly noxious climate and creates a horrible, devastating effect upon those children.

33:39 I didn't write these verses. The Holy Ghost did.

33:43 And some of you better start taking them seriously. Much more seriously than you've taken them up till now. Verse 9 of the same chapter.

Proverbs on the Impact of Marital Climate (Part 2): Covering Transgressions

33:53 He that covers a transgression seeks love.

33:59 Here's a husband and wife and their dwelling, not a home, not a home, not a home, not a home, not in coldness, but in warmth, not in distance, but in closeness, not with tension, but with harmony, not with ill will, but good will. And one of the characteristics of true love and good will is love covers a multitude of faults.

34:21 He that covers a transgression seeks love. Here the wife failed to get the meal on the table on time. And she did so because she just let herself get caught up in the phone too long. Along with one of her friends.

34:35 She transgressed the expectations, righteous expectations of her husband that when he came home from busting his hump all day at the job, trying to keep a clean mind amidst all the moral filth, trying to work honorably where everybody's cutting corners. And it's been agreed that quarter to six is a reasonable time given the school schedule of the kids and all the rest to come home and find his dinner ready to go on the table. It's not because he's an unreasonable, insensitive, a boor, but he and his wife have sat down and worked out a reasonable framework and there's been no emergency. None of the kids has fallen down and split his head open, had to be taken to the emergency room and all.

35:16 No, no, everything's been perfectly in order. She just got yakking too long on the phone with her girlfriend. And the hubby comes through the door, kisses his wife, how was your day, dear? And he notices that the timer still says 25 minutes.

35:34 And he says, dear, how come dinner's late? Well, honey, I...

35:38 I, uh, to be honest, I just got yakking too long with Henrietta. I don't think we got any Henriettas. That's why I chose that name.

35:48 I just got yakking too long with Henrietta. Now, now listen. The husband can do one of two things at that point.

35:58 He can do what? He can cover that transgression, showing that he's seeking to maintain a climate of love. Or he can do what the last part of the verse says. He can harp on the matter.

36:13 You know what it is to harp on something? Get on the string. Plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk. And he can start harping.

36:21 How many times have I told you? You are...

36:25 And he can start harping and harping and harping until what do you have? You have a full-blown donny verbally between a husband and wife all over what? 25 minutes difference. He's talking like Esau.

36:38 I'm gonna die if I don't get some to eat right now. He ain't gonna die. Go grab a couple of saltines and a glass of water. That'll tide you over 25 minutes.

36:48 But you see, what he does in that situation will be determined by the kind of overall relationship he has with her. If he's seeking to dwell with her in love, he's gonna cover that transgression. Yes, she transgressed. I ain't excusing her.

37:04 She shouldn't have talked to Henrietta for so long. She should have looked at the clock.

37:09 That's right. It was a transgression. But he that seeks love covers it. And where there's a home where the husband is and wife are committed to a climate not of coldness but of warmth not of distance through harping on matters but closeness cemented by love that covers transgressions day after day after day not tension but harmony fostered and nourished by a forgiving spirit not by ill will but by good will manifested in willingness to overlook a multitude of faults.

37:51 There in that home you have a marvelous climate for the nurture of the children without it. They've got more radon and they've got more asbestos.

38:04 And if you had to sit for the hours that some of us have done while grown adults cough up and spew out of their spiritual lungs the horrible, horrible flam created by the radon of their homes asbestos of their homes you'd know why I've gone home. From teaching to preaching this morning I had no intention to. You see, that's a gross illustration. I don't care if you regard it gross.

38:38 Flam ain't pretty and it isn't pretty. Sit with grown adults spewing up a flam that profess to be Christian homes that were marked by coldness. Just look at Proverbs 17, 14.

Proverbs on the Impact of Marital Climate (Part 3): Avoiding Strife and Contentiousness

39:04 The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water.

39:10 The precise imagery is not clear there but one thing is clear whether it's a dam that gets a break in it and the water starts to come through and you can't stop it whether it has reference to bodily functions other references commentators differ one thing is clear once water begins to be let out it's hard to stop it therefore leave off contention before there is quarreling and what causes us to leave off contention if we are committed as the heads of the home the husband is the administrated head his wife at his side sharing in that overall perspective of the administration

39:54 of that headship if we're committed to a climate of warmth and closeness and harmony and goodwill we will avoid the beginning of strife as much as we would avoid punching a one inch hole in the side of a dam knowing that it's only a matter of time before the force of those tons and tons of cubic feet of water will turn that one inch hole into a gaping hole and water will rush down and inundate an entire village and that's what will happen with all the religious instruction of school and home and everything else it'll be swept away in the deluge

40:39 of the broken dam of a household in which there are not these qualities of warmth of warmth of warmth and love and goodwill and forgiveness and then look at Proverbs 21 in verse 9 and I can appreciate this after being in Pakistan it's one thing to say to read and to find in one's books and to read in the Bible that the houses in the Middle East sometimes would have a stairway going up from the outside or just a ladder and on the top might have a railing around there or a few bricks to keep someone from falling off

41:22 but it's just open on the top have that in mind in Pakistan there at the Emanuel Church it's structured that way well listen to what Solomon says it is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop a man comes home from work and says honey I see you rearranged the house where do I sleep? she says up there on the rooftop over in the farthest corner and all he's got looking down from the top now he's got one little corner six by six on the rooftop she says that's where you've got a bed down well he says it's a better place to be better to dwell in the corner of the housetop

42:06 than with a contentious woman in a wide house why? why is it better? well it's not only better in terms of the man's own emotional and spiritual sanity in terms of not allowing that contentious woman to provoke relationships or expressions of this relationship that will spill over upon those children and to make them feel that they're not alone and to make them feel that they're not alone and cause devastating effects upon them and you know a climate like that can even produce adverse physical effects upon the children turn to Proverbs 14.30

Physiological and Emotional Effects on Children

42:48 a tranquil heart is the life of the flesh but envy or jealousy is the rottenness of the bones a tranquil heart that's an emotional state a heart that is tranquil it is not pummeled it is not pummeled it is not pummeled with lack of harmony and ill will and friction a tranquil heart is the life of the flesh long before the term psychosomatic was used in English Solomon understood this a peaceful quiet spirit

43:31 a tranquil heart has physiological effects it is the life of the flesh but envy that is a spiritual state a spirit consumed with jealousy but not only with jealousy the Bible tells and we'll look at another passage such emotions as grief and other powerful emotions have a physiological effect is rottenness of the bones there's a woman very dear to me who as a child had a terrible problem with stuttering directly related to the tension

44:14 in the home in which she was reared caught between a bitter father and a bitter mother a bitter father and a bitter mother a bitter father and a bitter mother and the go-between one trying to play the child off against the other trying to get the child aside until that grieved and confused and tortured spirit now am I saying that any kid who stutters you know that the mother and father aren't getting along with one another no I didn't say that I did not say that and if your child stutters I'm not going to immediately think aha she's a witchy woman he's a wicked man

44:57 that is absolutely wrong but what I am saying is it can have powerful physiological effects the word of God says it and even secular psychologists and doctors who have no regard for the word of God but they do have regard for reality they've been forced to acknowledge this a wife can be called child abuse if you allow a sustained climate in which there's coldness distance, tension and ill will between the two of you and you can't do anything about it between you as a husband and a wife not only terrible spiritual and emotional impact but even physiological impact

45:41 Proverbs 15, 13 a glad heart makes a cheerful countenance now again people can hypocritically go around like everything's all fine granted but they can only hypocritically imitate this because there's something to imitate you can only make a counterfeit $10 bill because there is a real $10 bill I mean a real paper thing cranked out by the government anyway it's recognized as legal tender because the government decreed it waved its almighty hand and made it but nonetheless without getting into theories of economics we know someone can put on a plastic grin I know that

46:25 but the reality is that a glad heart makes a cheerful countenance and you see a little kid who comes out of a home maybe too poor to have anything but bare floors not because they like bare floors because they can't afford rugs dread bare furniture have none of no Fisher-Price toys very meager things but the kid goes around all the time like he's been frozen in the grin and you come up and rub his little head and say sonny you look happy all the time what makes you so happy he says well why wouldn't I be happy my mom and daddy love one another and they love me and they make sure if we kids ain't loving one another we get our behinds whomped and so I get along with my brothers and sisters I get along with my mom and dad my mom and dad love one another

47:10 you should see them every time you pass by and in the kitchen he's smooching her and helping her with the dishes and Saturday morning he's scrubbing the floor for her and then when he goes out in the morning man does she plant a big one on him we kids get all embarrassed but we sneak and look anyway who wouldn't be happy what's bringing his cheerful countenance not that he's got a whole trunk full of Fisher-Price toys got his own TV got designer clothes and I tell you why he's got a glad heart he's got a mommy and daddy with a relationship with his mom and dad

47:55 and a relationship marked not infallibly and perfectly but pervasively a mommy and daddy whose relationship is marked by warmth closeness harmony and goodwill and he's a happy little pup and he's always wagging his tail when the dog wags his tail you know he's happy when the little kid's got a grin on his face you know he's happy so the text says the heart of him a glad heart makes a cheerful countenance but now listen to this now listen by sorrow of heart what happens the spirit is broken uh oh we're leaping right over to Colossians aren't we what did Colossians say

48:39 fathers let me get the text fathers do not irritate or embitter your children so they do not become disheartened what will dishearten a child when he has a sorrowful heart his spirit is broken his spirit is broken he loses all of his natural youthful exuberance and excitement and interest and inquisitiveness his spirit is broken he's like a whipped puppy with its tail between its legs cowering in the corner and what put him there a sorrowful heart you know what made his heart sorrow

49:24 because every time daddy comes through the door mom is jumping on him picking on him and dad is turning around and he's jumping on mom for this and for the other he never sees them engaged in spontaneous acts of self-supportedness never hears them acknowledging mutually their sins one to another never sees them spontaneously embracing in a discreet way in front of them embracing spontaneously as an expression of their love and their closeness the spirit of that little child is heavy in sorrow

50:06 child abuse violation of colossians three dear parents look at proverbs seventeen twenty two i'll only quote it because time is getting away from us a cheerful heart is a good medicine but a broken spirit dries up the bones again the direct relationship between the emotional climate of the home as it absorbed by the child and even physiological as well as physical manifestations the smile the cheerful smile

Practical Manifestations of Coldness, Distance, Tension, and Ill-Will

50:44 most of us dance so so the this is a the the greatest single blessing you can give to your children for their nurture is that the next decline created by a biblical married spirit-controlled husband-wife relationship it's your problem coldness to life during the cold season and no pet school life by tradition is a national quake. no pet names for one another no spontaneous touching or embracing before the kids no judicious displays of affection no gleam of warmth and love in your eye as you look at one another

51:28 you're abusing your children if you tolerate distance no evident delight in being together it seems like whatever you do with your time you make sure you don't do it together no evident delight in being together no doing things together no inquiring about each other's world in front of the kids honey how was your day at the office today how was your day in the shop been really listening honey how was your day with the kids how were things at home how did the shopping go they don't see intimacy there's distance pop lives in his world mom lives in his world they just happen to spend a few hours out of the waking day under the same roof tension

52:12 not ready to forgive not manifest trusting the spirit of Ephesians 4 30 to 32 tender hearted forgiving one another they don't see you refer to each other before the children with words of endearment rather they hear the father say your mother this oh whenever I hear that language all my danger signals go off your mother said this what's the person doing distancing not my wife or my sweetheart or but your mother this your father this that man over there that's the language of distance

Consequences and Call to Action

52:56 and tension and ill will no cumulative tokens of delighting to do one another good you've gone tolerating that kind of relationship men between you and your wives and don't rear back on your hind legs today not tomorrow today and say by the grace of God this is going to come to us I don't want to be a burden to you I don't want to be around and all the rest begins to be spewed out of the spiritual lungs of your kids the results are kids are forced to take sides with mom or dad

53:41 they're robbed of positive models of a husband wife relationship they are emotionally battered spiritually hindered and I call upon every parent who has children still at home to do what I called upon you to do last week this is serious business dear people as we pray about the future generation all of our visions and hopes can be nothing unless our homes are manifest by the qualities of warmth closeness harmony and goodwill may God help us even as grandparents what do my grandchildren need to see

54:23 they need to see that grandpa's still in love with grandma he's still got his arm around her he's still kissing her and still delights her they need to have models of grandparents they need to have models of grandparents so if the kids are all grown you're not done being a model they need still to see the climate of a home where when the kids go out of it the glue that brought it together in the first place is not only still there it's stronger than ever so my kids look your mom and I were in business before you came along and if the Lord spares us we'll be in business after you go our relation is more important as husband and wife than the parent-child relationship and I'm so glad God gave me sense to operate that way I saw it in my Bible

55:07 I never had anyone talk to me like I'm talking to you I'm so glad God gave me sense to operate that way I never had anyone talk to me like I'm talking to you you think I regret it? you think I regret it? no I could with no one but God as my witness this week spontaneously say to my wife honey I find more delight in you with every passing day or week than I've ever known in my life before and I can say that with a sitting right here and say you big shot you perfect no God alone knows how many sins I've had to confess to God to my wife and to my kids but am I saying that I would not tolerate a climate of coldness distance tension and ill will in the home and I would not tolerate between husband and wife yes it can be done it must be done

55:51 but it won't be done unless you humble yourself God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble unless you determine to stop copping out because of your background copping out because of your temperament copping out because of your genes where in the Bible does it say husband's love if your genes are predisposed why submit if you had a good example of submission stop all this copping out for Jesus if you're a Christian Christ is for you at the right hand of the Father the word of God is a lamp to your feet and a light to your path now what excuse do you have

Concluding Prayer and Benediction

56:34 let's stop and say God by your grace get rid of the radon of coldness distance tension and ill will and we're going to have the wholesome lovely atmosphere of warmth closeness harmony and goodwill by the grace of God oh our Father we pray that your Holy Spirit will come with power such weighty matters

57:18 are at stake oh God as we think of those many precious children that are in the other parts of these buildings oh that they may not be pummeled and abused by a climate of ill will and distance and tension and coldness tolerated in the lives of the men and women members of this assembly but oh God even this day so work that by your grace there would not be one home of one couple that names your name in this place it is not marked as the dominant quality of that home by warmth

58:02 closeness harmony and goodwill Lord bring it to pass for your glory for the good of our precious children the consistency of our witness we ask in Jesus name Amen you have been listening to How Not to Foul Up the Training of Your Children by Pastor Albert N. Martin these cassettes are distributed by the Trinity Book Service if you would like a free listing of other audio cassettes and books please call us at 1-800-722-3584 or if you prefer you can write us at the Trinity Book Service