Specific Guidelines for Weddings

Introduction: The Pastor's Role in Culturally Mandated Gatherings

0:03 Now, in our previous lecture, brethren, we addressed the whole matter of how we are to approach those gatherings of people, which are generally a mixed gathering, in which we are expected to preside and lead, but meetings that are not mandated by the word of God, but mandated by cultural expectations. And I sought, first of all, to demonstrate from the Scriptures the legitimacy of your being involved in such gatherings and leading them, and then I laid before you seven general principles which ought to condition your thinking and your practice with respect to these gatherings. Now today, what we do is take up the subject of specific guidelines for the planning and for the conducting of weddings. In funerals, if you become a pastor of a congregation of any size, it will not be long before someone is going to ask you to hitch them, and someone else is going to ask you to assist them in the burying of one of their loved ones or relatives. So weddings and funerals in the context of our own society, and in many societies, not

1:26 only in Western countries, but in the third world. Those who are set apart to labor in the word and in doctrine are often expected to take an active and leading role in the joining of men and women in marriage and in the burial of the dead. And so for the first hour, I want to lay before you guidelines for planning and conducting weddings, and then in the second hour, we'll take up the similar theme with respect to funerals. Now, as I've already asserted, I remind you that there is no explicit biblical warrant for the idea that an elder in the Church of Christ must be present to contract a marriage or to make the marriage an honorable union in God's sight. As I understand the scriptures, the essence of marriage is embodied in the teaching of Genesis chapter 2, a man shall leave his father and mother, cleave unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. Couple that with the biblical injunction to render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's, and the biblical injunction, providing all things honorable in the sight of God and of men, all that is necessary to have the essence

2:51 of marriage biblically is that there is a clear contractual commitment to leave, to cleave, and to become one. One flesh, and that should be done in such a way as to respect the existing laws of Caesar in any given setting. And some of you may be aware of the fact that with the Romish teaching that marriage was a sacrament, and therefore only a duly ordained priest could officiate, some of our Puritan forefathers so reacted against it that they would have no part in the contracting of a marriage and made it a purely civil arrangement. Because of the whole sacramental mentality and their desire to distance themselves from it.

Four Categories of Wedding Guidelines

3:36 However, this cultural phenomenon and expectation in our society has much to commend it, and it affords a marvelous pastoral and evangelistic opportunity. Now, in giving you guidelines for the planning and conducting of weddings, I have four categories to lay before you. One is the planning of the wedding. The second is the planning of the wedding.

3:57 The third is the planning of the wedding. The fourth is the planning of the wedding. The fifth is the planning of the wedding. The sixth is the planning of the wedding.

3:57 The sixth is the planning of the wedding. The seventh is the planning of the wedding service. Secondly, preparing the wedding meditation and prayers. Thirdly, conducting the rehearsal.

4:06 And fourth, conducting the wedding service. First of all, then, planning the wedding service. As a final part of your premarital counseling, a subject we deal with in our intercession on pastoral counseling, which will come this January, you will make it plain that you desire to work out with the Lord your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God, your God. And you will apply the plan prepared, which you will see at the 그만ical place for such a long time , and you will work a detail plan for the actual wedding ceremony.

Planning the Wedding Service: Principles and Practicalities

4:34 And as you do, make it plain to the couple that it is their wedding and that they ought therefore to express in the content of their wedding service their own Christian convictions, their own sense of propriety, and their own awareness of the churches and churches of the Holy Roman Church. of the churches and churches of the Holy Roman Church. of the churches and churches of the Holy Roman Church. And as you do, look the way and see your content.

4:58 Please repeat the parable to bear witness that this list of their acceptance of God's permission has defined their worship. your identity with them.

5:05 Now let me go back over those matters. Try to make the couple sensitive in the planning of their wedding service that they should express their own distinct Christian convictions.

5:20 Secondly, their own sense of propriety, and that will differ from couple to couple, but also their awareness of the churches and your identity with them. In other words, this wedding is being conducted in your assembly, in your church building. You are officiating. Therefore, they are asking you to be sympathetically identified with the various elements which they plan to include in the wedding.

5:49 And therefore, they cannot think simply of their own interests and their own particular likes and dislikes aesthetically and, we might say, culturally, but they must be sensitive as well to the church's testimony and to your testimony as a man of God. Now, if these things are present and consciously pressuring the minds of the prospective bride and groom, there will be a desire both to bend to traditional expectations on the one hand, while infusing distinctively Christian and personal convictions and tastes on the other hand. And this is the golden mean that you must seek to establish with the couple. If everything about the service is so utterly untraditional, then those who come will not be struck with anything but the novelty of the service and very little intelligent, meaningful, winsome communication of Christian distinctives will be possible. In other words, if you have the bride coming out the side door and the groom coming down the aisle,

7:11 someone may say, well, in the Bible it says that the bridegroom is central at the coming of the Lord and I want to express the truth that Christ the bridegroom is central, therefore I'm going to march down the aisle and the bride is going to come out. Well, that's a lovely theological concept, but it would be so shocking to the ordinary expectations, that for the rest of the service people would be sitting there scratching their heads saying, what in the world is that fool preacher doing, allowing this kind of nonsense to go on in, quote, his church. So, we must on the one hand respect certain traditional cultural expectations, but we need not be so bound by them that we cannot infuse distinctively Christian and personal convictions and personal beliefs. And it's that golden mean that we must seek to maintain.

8:13 Furthermore, you ought to encourage them to manifest fiscal responsibility in their wedding plans. A fiscal responsibility with reference to themselves and also to the people whom they regard as special friends and that they are going to include in the wedding. Now, many a time I've had some of those special friends come to me questioning the level of the friendship because they were told I'd like you to be one of my groomsmen, I'd like you to be one of my bridesmaids, and by the way, we have chosen such and such a gown. It can be purchased at such and such a place and the person goes and finds out it's going to cost them 150 bucks. And we've got people in this congregation and you'll have them in yours for whom that is an intolerable financial burden. So you must encourage the couple in planning the wedding ceremony not only to think in terms of this tension between affinity towards traditional expectations while infusing distinctively Christian and personal convictions and tastes, but you must also encourage fiscal sensitivity and responsibility. Now, having gone over these broad, broad principles with the couple,

9:41 work out a detailed outline of the ceremony so that nothing is left to be decided at the rehearsal. Now, will you listen to the voice of experience? Leave nothing to be decided at the rehearsal because Auntie Jane will be there who just knows that a wedding would not be a wedding without this and she's going to be very prepared to put in her two cents as to why this element ought to be there. And then someone else who's an expert will tell you why this must be there and you will have a horrible, horrible cacophony of voices thundering in your ears unless you can come to the wedding rehearsal and sweetly but firmly say the bride and the groom and I have spent much time working out every detail of the wedding. We are here to go over, the wedding ceremony as it has been previously decided upon. All right? So you're letting them know that their suggestions are not welcome.

Detailed Planning: Specific Elements and Pitfalls

10:51 All right? You've come with everything already in place. Now, when I say a detailed outline should be already worked out before the rehearsal, what do I mean? And since many of you have not had this experience, I want to be very practical and specific.

11:08 Is there to be any special music before the wedding? Any solos? Any instrumentalists playing? Any special music during the wedding?

11:21 Will the father give the bride away?

11:25 If not, who?

11:29 What vows are to be used? Are they going to write their own?

11:35 If so, ask to see them before the wedding rehearsal. Some couples, in their desire to be thoroughly Christian, try to pack into their vows the whole wedding rehearsal. The whole wedding rehearsal. The whole wedding rehearsal.

11:46 The whole wedding rehearsal. The whole wedding rehearsal. The whole biblical theology of marriage. And they go on interminably vowing everything that in any way is remotely connected with any directive concerning marriage from Genesis to Revelation.

12:00 Now, you admire their zeal, but you must graciously and gently cause them to see that this is not a place to teach the full-orbed biblical doctrine of marriage in the vows that they exchange with one another. If they want to do that privately, fine. Let them do that when they arrive at their honeymoon suite and then they can sit down for seven minutes and read those vows to one another. But don't assume, you see, that they'll use good judgment.

12:32 I've long since given up any notion that good judgment is commodity everyone carries in his back pocket. And then, discourage, in most cases, the memorizing of the vows. Usually the bride and groom are so misguided, nervous, that no matter how well they've memorized them, they'll blow it. And there's nothing worse than something that's supposed to be given, memorized, and you have to be there coaching them like a prompter at the opera.

13:02 And then, if there are any unusual elements in the ceremony, establish precisely where those elements are to be included. For example, some, like the ritual of the bride and the groom lighting one candle. Signifying the two shall be one, et cetera. Well, don't assume that that stuff will just work its way out.

13:24 Have a detailed outline of every element that will be involved in the wedding ceremony. Then, seek the input of the couple relative to the biblical meditation that you will bring.

13:42 Seek the input of the couple relative to any biblical meditation, any sermon, any charge, that you will be giving to the bride and groom. Find out from them what they desire. Do they desire to have a brief charge brought to them as a separate element? Do they desire to have you preach evangelistically?

14:11 Do they desire to have a 15 or 20 minute sermon in the wedding? If so, at what point? Having ascertained that, find out what they anticipate the complexion of the gathering will be. If the bride's relatives are mostly unconverted, uninstructed, ignorant, 20th century American pagans, you ought to know that.

14:39 Your choice of language, illustrations, will all be dictated by the complexion of that gathering of pagans. You may find that most of the groom's relatives are dyed-in-the-wool old-line Roman Catholics. And if you say Paul or Peter, they don't know what you're talking about. So you'll have to talk about in the epistle of St. Paul to the Ephesians. And in the epistle of St. Peter, in the first epistle of St. Peter, some of the men in the past have wondered how I start sainting the apostles or why at weddings.

15:18 Well, this is why I have found out by inquiry prior to the wedding that there would be a number of old-line Roman Catholics present. You may have people who are nominally Jewish. Well, those things you ought to know ahead of time. And then you ought to ask the couple if there is any particular passage or theme which they would prefer to have you preach.

15:42 And here's where 2 Corinthians 4-5 comes into practical play. We preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus is Lord and ourselves your servants for Jesus. For Jesus' sake. It adds additional credibility to your ministry at a wedding if you can say it is my joy on behalf of the bride and groom to read and to expound this particular passage of Scripture in your hearing.

16:08 As we prepared for the wedding it was their expressed wish that this portion above all others be read and be expounded. So in the very real sense it is my delight to be the mouthpiece of the bride and groom. Well see that's both a marvelous concession to the couple and a wonderful bastion behind which cowards can hide. So if people want to get upset they've got to get upset with the bride and groom.

16:39 I was only doing what they asked me to do as their friend and as their pastor. You see? So it's a little thing but again it can give additional clout and credibility when you can say that. And then the next thing you want to do at this level of planning the wedding is remind them to get their license and blood test and to bring those items with them all filled out the night of the rehearsal.

17:07 Now don't assume that they'll just automatically know that. For most of them this is the first time around. And in the rush of getting this that and the other there are times when couples have almost forgotten to get their blood test in time. Here in New Jersey there's a three day waiting period.

17:24 It's the state's way of saying don't marry in haste. You've got to wait at least three days from the time that you've obtained your license. And then finally in this initial planning of the wedding in the day of video recorders and irreverent photographers discuss with the couple what is planned in the area of any photographs any videotaping.

17:53 Now I've married probably somewhere close to a hundred couples over the years or maybe even more. And I had a new one just a couple of months ago that this is an additional point. Dave will tell you when he sat in this course three years ago this point was not there. So this is something that I learned the hard way two or three weddings ago I couldn't believe it.

18:16 Had no way of knowing it was going to happen never anticipated that I should even inquire but lo and behold someone showed up with a camcorder on a hill huge tripod on four inch wheels and it was like being at a video set at NBC. This guy was pushing his tripod all over the place during the vows during the sermon at one or two points I almost wanted to say take these things hence. You've turned my father's house into a television studio. So I said well as the old Pennsylvania Dutch say he's too soon old and too late smart.

18:55 So I vowed from there on in at every initial planning stage with the couple we talked through the issue of the plans for photography and videotaping and you must take your position as a man of God and say look if this is to be a worship service in any sense of the word it cannot be visually distracted with any kind of movement or any kind of placement of video equipment that will turn people's minds away from the centrality of what is going on between the couple and in the ministry of the word of God. If they want to have a fixed camera to one side that is just sitting there and the red light the red eye is not fine but it's amazing with the erosion of common grace you'd think certainly just a sense of common decency would mandate that people would not run up and down the aisle and interrupt but again the erosion of common grace is such that you can't assume that any longer. Here 1 Corinthians 14.40 is again the text that must constantly exert its pressure upon us at this stage of planning let all things be done decently and in order. So with reference then to the matter of guidelines for the planning and conducting of weddings

Preparing the Wedding Meditation and Prayers: Substance and Sensitivity

20:25 we first of all address the actual planning of the wedding service. Now secondly I want to address the matter of the planning of the wedding meditation or sermon and prayers.

20:43 The planning of the wedding meditation or sermon and prayers. And let me begin with the latter. First of all with reference to your prayers let me say several things. Some of the directions which will later be given to you with respect to the subject of your pulpit prayers you will find applicable to any public prayers.

21:09 However for now suffice it to say that your prayers should be clearly thought out and a basic outline at least committed to memory if not actually written and present with you on a 3x5 card or in a book that you may use. In which to keep the marriage ceremony before you.

21:34 The opening prayer should include such elements as praise to God for the institution of marriage.

21:43 Praise to God for the scriptures which give us timeless supracultural instructions on the institution of marriage.

21:57 We should give thanks to God for his providence that has brought these two together. And there should be earnest entreaty for the consciousness of God's presence and the power of Christ upon the gathering. Your opening prayer at a wedding ought to include at least those three elements of praise and thanksgiving and that element of entreaty. So that you don't fall into a ritual I found it beneficial not to look at the notes from any previous prayer.

22:36 But when I sit at my desk usually early on a Saturday morning to actually compose the outline of the prayers to come to it as though I were coming to it for the first time. And though there are elements that are automatically pumped up from the file drawers of the mind you will be kept from a hackneyed sameness by forcing yourself to come at it in a fresh way. Praise for the institution of marriage for the word of God which regulates marriage for the providence of God that has brought these two together to be married and then earnest entreaty for the consciousness of the presence and power of Christ to rest upon the gathering. Then with reference to the prayer that is generally prayed after the vows are exchanged that prayer should include at least these elements.

23:32 Number one supplication for grace to keep the vows. If the vows reflect anything of sensitivity to the biblical norms for marriage the couple has vowed matters which it is not in their power to keep.

23:56 And we need to plead with God on behalf of the couple. Lord give John grace to love Mary as Christ loved the church. Give him grace in a lecherous age to keep his vow to cleave only to her. May she be the only woman in his arms in his heart in his eyes in his bed supplicate for grace to keep the vows.

24:25 Secondly entreat God for grace that they may make a good and quick adjustment to marital life.

24:43 So much talk about adjustment in marriage. The bottom line is two imperfectly sanctified sinners are thrown thrown into the most intimate of relationships which not only has the greatest potential for fulfillment but also the greatest potential for drawing out remaining corruption in areas where you didn't even know it was existing. I shall never forget the discovery of my heart that came after I got married. I'd been a Christian for one, two, three, four five years four years and I can remember time after time saying Lord where'd that come from?

25:24 Now I never heard a voice but as you cogitate and you reason within yourself as the psalmist did the answer was it's been there all the while undiscovered and it has taken the pressure of marriage to bring up out of the subterranean depths of the soul the horrible corruption that still lies within the soul. And so recognizing that entreat God that they will make a good adjustment to their new relationship entreat God that they will be able to make a smooth adjustment to their relationship to the in-laws. Why are there so many in-law jokes? Because God has placed the in-law question right at the heart of the essence of marriage for this cause a man shall leave father and mother. That's the in-law question. And all of the in-law jokes are a nervous backhanded acknowledgement that God is not that man finds it difficult to adjust to that dimension of the marital relationship. So pray that grace will be given not only to the couple but here's a wonderful opportunity to pray for the parents.

26:37 Lord we know that for Mr. and Mrs. Jones it will not be easy to give up their only daughter. No longer to have her presence in the home.

26:47 Lord give them grace to relinquish her. Comfort them in their loneliness. Give them grace not to be intrusive. You're not preaching.

26:56 You're pleading with God that there will be a recognition and submission to the biblical elements of the in-law question without which there will be no true success in the marriage relationship.

27:13 And then pray for any children that may come as the fruit of that union. Now obviously if you're marrying a widow and a widower in their 60s you think don't put that part in there. Okay? Because it hath ceased to be with her after the manner of women.

27:32 And you are not expecting God to do unto her as he did unto Sarah. But you may in that case pray. Lord help our brother and sister to develop deep intimate relationships with the children of their previous unions and with the grandchildren. In other words be sensitive in your prayer that marriage stands not as a dual commitment to narcissism.

28:01 And in our day brethren that's desperately needed. But marriage must be seen in terms of being the root or the tap roots of the family which is the institution ordained of God for mutual fulfillment. And then a final element that ought to be included in your prayers after the exchange of the vows is intercession for their usefulness as a couple in terms of the advancement of Christ's kingdom.

28:36 Let it be known to the couple and to all who are present that you are pleading that they will be more useful as light and salt in this generation now joined in marriage than they ever could have been in their state of singleness.

28:56 Now brethren do not leave your prayers to the impulse of the moment. If you do that they will generally be marked by nervousness triteness and often will be tediously repetitious and confusingly illogical.

29:21 Don't tempt the Lord your God.

29:26 Sit at the desk prayerfully carefully think through the particulars of each couple tailor make your prayers at the beginning of the wedding ceremony and the prayer after the vows so that people over the years who sit under your ministry will know that you are not just a reverend doing your thing droning out the same prayer for two twenty year olds as you would for a couple of sixty year olds. If you want a grip over the consciences of your people you've got to earn it over the long haul. And one of the ways you earn it is by manifesting that each couple was important enough for you to give mental and spiritual sweat even to tailor making your prayers so that your people as they attend the weddings year in and year out they say hmm our pastor hasn't just grabbed his outline out of the wedding file. He hasn't just grabbed his wedding prayer and mouthed it for umpteenth time. You see and credibility is earned brethren not in great acts of spiritual heroism. Most of us will live and die and never once be called upon to be a hero.

30:46 But it's this kind of self-giving in the little things over the long haul that will endear you to your people and give you an increasing grip upon their consciences. All right so much for the prayers as you plan the wedding meditation and prayers. Now what about the meditation or the brief sermon or if you like the homily?

Core Themes for the Wedding Meditation

31:09 Well as I've already indicated if the couple has suggested a given passage you must make a decision as to whether or not you feel comfortable handling that passage in a wedding setting. And rarely have I found that their suggestions could not be appropriately handled except the challenge. See again it's a good thing when they suggest a passage you've not preached on it's driving you to do fresh work. Accept that challenge for the benefit that will come.

31:38 To your own soul. But generally speaking couples that have any biblical intelligence will desire that you expound and preach on one of the pivotal marriage passages. Genesis 2 or Matthew 19 Ephesians 5 Matthew 22 other similar portions. If they do not ask you to take a given passage then you must select one and select one that will immediately capture the conscience of the most thoughtless indifferent person that you are speaking from a passage that is appropriate to a wedding.

32:25 But now having said that let me say secondly that's a word about the selection don't attempt to handle a passage which demands close reasoning careful exegetical argument or lengthy periods of intense mental concentration.

32:46 Don't attempt to handle a passage that demands close reasoning careful exegetical reasoning and lengthy periods of intense mental concentration. It's a wedding.

33:01 People have come in a festive mood and rightly so.

33:07 Many at least in our situation here it will differ but in our situation here apart from our own people who are present this is where we have the greatest concentration of unconverted people. They're not used to Bible language following a reasoned argument. Most of them are fairly well mentally neutered by their years and years sitting in front of a television. They don't know how to think.

33:34 They don't know how to reason. They only know how to sit and passively receive impressions. And that's one of the curses of the television generation. Well, recognizing that then you must not expect.

33:50 You say, well, it isn't right. They should be right. Yes, I know it isn't right but you're not going to convert them from mentally lazy people to mentally active people in a 20-minute sermon at a wedding. Hopefully, you'll whet their appetite that they'll come back and maybe after three or four years of sitting under the word they'll begin to have a mind that can think and be a critical mind.

34:12 But you must recognize reality and reality for what it is. Furthermore, since they have come to a wedding and the general attitude is one of joy and excitement, the scripture says, Romans 14, 16, let not your good be evil spoken of. Is it a good thing to expound the scriptures? Yes.

34:32 But don't do it in such a way that your good is unnecessarily evil spoken of. And here, if ever, there's a legitimate application of 1 Corinthians 9, 22 becoming all things to all men. It is in the setting of a wedding.

34:52 Furthermore, don't be overly ambitious in what you can do in a 15 or 20 or 25 minute meditation. You cannot spin out a whole system of divinity or of biblical ethics.

35:08 I would urge you as a rule of thumb, seek to limit your biblical meditation to 15, maximum 20 minutes in the early days of your ministry.

35:22 Then as you gain experience and aptitude in the peculiarities of preaching effectively at a wedding, you may be able to stretch it out a bit longer and still hold the attention of the people. The rule of thumb that I go by is if you go to a Roman Catholic wedding, it takes a minimum usually of 50 minutes to go through the ritual of the Mass and everything else. Therefore, I do not feel it is boorish or socially insensitive to have a wedding that is planned for a minimum of 50 minutes. If the Roman Catholic is unembarrassed to have you come to this wedding and hold you for 50 minutes, I'm not embarrassed to have people and to hold them for 50 minutes. However, if you get much beyond that and you get a wedding that goes up into an hour, an hour and 15 minutes, then you are leaving yourself vulnerable to, insensitivity at least to these texts. Let not your good be evil spoken of. Become all things to all men.

36:32 Whatever you say in your wedding meditation,

36:36 there is little excuse for avoiding at least several of these basic notes. Make sure that some clear statement is made as to the divine origin of marriage.

36:51 We live in a day when we cannot assume that men believe that marriage is an institution ordained of God in creation.

37:03 Most people regard it as an accident or an experiment along the evolutionary timeline. And it's time we outgrew it. I went to the library for the first time in a long time, our local library the other day, and just picked up a book that is considered to be a modern textbook. Used apparently in schools and colleges on social institutions and I turned to the section on marriage and it was appalling to see the what shall I say almost laid back casual dogmatism with which they were attacking the concept of marriage as set forth in the word of God.

37:47 And the family as set forth in the word of God. And they regarded the whole concept of monogamous commitment for life resulting in the so-called nuclear family as only one of many viable options.

38:03 And that's the climate in which we're ministering. So we've got to say something for poor marriage as an institution. Make some clear statement as to its divine origin. Secondly, make some clear statement as to the divine order for distinct non-reversible roles in marriage.

38:26 Make some clear statement as to the divine order for non-reversible roles in marriage.

38:36 You'll raise eyebrows. You'll have some people gnashing their teeth. But that's all right.

38:44 God deserves to be heard. And what better time for God to be heard on the fact that He thought up the whole idea. And therefore, who knows better than God, the divine architect of marriage, what the lines and dimensions of that institution should be. And then thirdly, make some clear statement as to its permanence.

39:08 Marriage is not like getting a new car if it's a lemon or you don't like it. Cut your losses, get rid of it, and buy another one. That's the way many people view marriage.

39:21 Use the occasion to underscore, at least in your prayers, better somewhere in your preaching, the divine origin, the divine directives for, and the permanence of the marriage institution and the marriage institution and then fourthly, make some clear statement as to the gospel being the only hope for an effective marriage.

39:50 Make some clear statement as to the gospel being the only hope for an effective, happy marriage. As the gospel is the only hope for man the sinner, then man the sinner must know the power of the gospel if the individual and the institution of marriage is to be rescued from the ravages of sin. Now, however you do that, that will be determined by the passage or the theme that you're handling by your own particular gifts and temperament. But I have sat in weddings where the place was full of unconverted people and I wanted to shake the preacher who didn't sound one clear gospel note. And yet, the very next Sunday, he'll try to mobilize his people. He'll try to mobilize his people. He'll try to mobilize his people into some canned approach to taking the gospel to the community.

40:47 I have reason to question how much he's burdened for the souls of men because he was content to do his clerical thing with lost sinners all around him.

40:59 I can't understand it better. It's something that utterly baffles me, leaves me without any, without any explanation, except either the man is pitifully out of touch with reality or his so-called burden for souls is just part of his profession.

41:21 How can we look out on faces that we know are the faces of unconverted people be standing as a herald of God in the marvelous context of marriage which is one of the predominant pictures of what true and saving religion is, the relationship of Christ to his church with two imperfectly sanctified sinners for whom marriage as an institution can have a lot of value. Hope and joyful expectation only because of the power of the gospel and you may not have the kind of dramatic opportunities that you have in some situations but nonetheless they are real. When I say dramatic, I think of the one that is the most dramatic in all of the opportunities I've had to marry people. It was a wedding where a converted Jew and a woman whose background was German stock and the father probably would have been a swastika tattooed Nazi. I mean, he is the epitome of that kind of an Archie Bunker spirit. So here is the bride with that German background marrying the groom of Jewish background and the two reverends are Albert N.

42:41 and white as a lily and Ashiel Blaze. And those of you who've met my dear brother Ashiel know that no slave owner ever visited the shack in his bloodlines. I mean, that's pure African stock. Pure African stock.

43:00 So here's the black man and the white man and there's a Jew and a German.

43:06 Now, how in the world could you not preach the gospel in that context? When you say to people, what has brought this woman and this man to be a slave owner? What has brought this woman to be prepared voluntarily to commit themselves to the most permanent, intimate of all human relationships out of a background of peoples who would be full of suspicion and enmity and animosity one to another? A German and a Jew are to be joined in marriage.

43:32 Well, either people got to rise up and say, you're lying. She ain't German, he ain't Jew. They ain't going to do that. I had a whole bunch of Jews sitting down there and they knew it.

43:41 And I said, what would bring this black man and this white man who would be at one of these at one another's throats with mutual racism to stand arm in arm as comrades in the work of the gospel? And then we went to Ephesians 2.12. Christ breaks down the middle wall of partition.

44:01 There was some murmuring and mumbling out loud by some of the Jews and probably some of the Germans as well. I didn't know. I didn't know whether we were going to have a riot on our hands. Sort of like Paul saying resurrection in the midst of the Sanhedrin.

44:15 Well, I don't know. But anyway, you do have these opportunities, brethren, and you must seize them because you're going to give an account in the last day. And if you are standing there in your official capacity as a minister of the gospel, that's why we go back to the principles of last week. Those seven principles I laid before you in any of these services that are not biblically mandated but culturally mandated.

44:44 Never forget your identity as a man. As a man of God. You are not simply there as part of traditional religious and ecclesiastical machinery to do your thing. You're there as a man of God.

44:59 And the God of heaven will hold you accountable for what you did for that opportunity to bring the gospel to bear upon the consciences of unconverted men. And I go back to the watchman passages in Ezekiel. If you do not warn, their blood will I require at your hand. All right, so much then for the preparation of the prayers, preparation of the meditation.

Conducting the Rehearsal: Roles and Practicalities

45:22 Now, thirdly, conducting the rehearsal. Now we'll pick up speed.

45:28 Conducting the rehearsal. In a very real sense, when you come to a rehearsal, you wear many caps. You wear the cap of the producer of a stage production,

45:41 choreographer of a kind of mini ballet,

45:47 and the conductor of an orchestra, and the mouthpiece of God. And most of this is the time you feel your head ain't big enough to wear all the caps at the same time.

46:00 But you must wear them. And lest you become weary or irritated in having to wear all those hats, that's my temptation. When I've had, like we had in September, for four straight Saturdays we had weddings. I had to take part in three of them.

46:18 So that meant Friday night was blown with rehearsal. Saturday was blown for any serious study. And what I have to fight in those times is irritation. Saying, Lord, you know, I want to be doing something more directly related to my work as a shepherd of sheep.

46:38 And to spend those hours at a rehearsal and then have to go to a wedding. Well, you just must come back and remember that love bears all things. And if the scripture says 1 John 3.16 we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

46:59 Surely laying down a few hours for a beloved brother and sister in the flock that they might have a wedding that glorifies God and becomes a sounding board for the gospel. Surely we ought to be willing to lay down those hours, even hours that we feel could be better spent not on ourselves but in things more directly related. You say, Lord, did you call me to be a choreographer? I've got to teach the girls how to get down the aisle without tipping when they take those slow steps and you've got to tell them take little mincing steps and then you...

47:36 Lord, is this what I'm called to? Yes. In love be servants one to another. Love bears all things.

47:45 So you're willing to be choreographer. You're willing to be conductor of the orchestra of all these various things for the sake of these two precious sheep and for the sake of the gospel. Now then, what are some necessary guidelines in conducting the rehearsal? Well, first of all, when the whole wedding party is present, gather them together.

48:10 Try to set a tone of goodwill.

48:15 Don't just stand up and say, well, you're all here. Let's get with it.

48:22 Because many times if your ministry is reaching this generation, you're going to have not second generation Christians, if I may use that term, but you're going to have people saved out of the church. There's going to be a lot of paganism and there will be a lot of unconverted friends and relatives who are going to be part of the wedding party. And if you cannot establish a relationship of goodwill at the rehearsal, it's doubtful you're going to have their ears when you give your meditation the next day. So always look upon those opening moments of interaction with the bridal party, with the wedding party.

48:55 Look upon that as an opportunity to establish goodwill between yourself and everyone else. And everyone involved. So make a little small talk. Show that you can smile.

49:10 That there was nothing in your ordination vows that prohibited you being a whole real human being.

49:19 Be observant of little things that may indicate to people that indeed you are sensitive to people because people have all kinds of notions of what a reverend's supposed to be. Most of it is bad when you look how they typecast any minister in any sitcom or in any television production. It makes you want to barf, tear off your collar and say, Lord, I'd rather dig ditches than ever be one of those things.

49:50 Innocuous, soft-handed, unoffensive, harmless.

49:56 Well, I better stop. But you know what I mean. Most of the reverends are something we would not want to be. Well, people have that image.

50:05 Or it may be. It may be. That they've heard their kids have joined some cult where people go to prayer meetings and all the rest. And you must demonstrate whatever they've heard that you're not some kind of freak.

50:18 That you actually have just two eyes and they're separated by a nose. You're not a cyclops. And that, you know, if you've lifted your arms and you've been working, you'll have sweat marks underneath your shirt like anybody else. And seek in a natural way in those places.

50:36 In those opening comments to say that you're delighted to have the people present. We look forward with John and Mary to this occasion. We're so delighted that you're all here safely. And then graciously seek to lead them.

50:52 To seek the blessing of God. And that will immediately, you see, set the balancing perspective that though you're there as a human being, a warm, personable man who loves people, you are there to go through this rehearsal and into the wedding as a man of God desirous that God will be glorified. And then pray in natural, normal tones. Don't immediately become some other creature whose vocal cords have suddenly undergone some mysterious alteration.

51:23 Here you were talking to them like an ordinary human being and then you say, now let's pray and commit this rehearsal to God and then all of a sudden you're booming in your prayer like they all were half deaf. You see, little things like that brethren, can immediately turn people off and once you've lost it, you've had it. Be natural. I don't mean be flipped and irreverent, but be natural as you commit the matter to God.

51:49 Alright? So first of all, when they're all gathered, speak a few words of greeting. Explain why it is essential that everything be nailed down and why you desire that there be no distraction and then lay hold of God in prayer, for His blessing upon your time of the rehearsal. Then, having introduced the rehearsal in that way, direct each person to go to the place where they will be five minutes before the wedding begins.

52:24 Alright? We're going to have the wedding starting at 12 noon tomorrow. Then I want all of you to go where you're going to be at five minutes to 12. The bride and her attendants are going to be in such and such a room.

52:37 The groom and the best man and the preacher are going to be at such and such a place. The ushers are going to be at such and such a place. And there you must be assertive. And this is where you come back, you see, to having the detailed outline, everything talked through the bride and groom.

52:52 So you're not saying, oh, by the way, the moment people sense a lack of assertiveness and security on your part, then it's open game on everyone giving his suggestions and then it turns into confusion and God, God is not the author of confusion but of peace. Then go through the entire ceremony, not all the details like the exchange of the vows, but concentrating on every major transition.

53:25 Getting the bridal party down to the front of the church.

53:29 Go through that in detail. But then you don't need to go through all the details of the exchange of the vows, just transition periods. When the father is going to give the bride away and where he is to sit. Anything that involves a transition, an exchange of any item like the rings, like the bride giving her bouquet to her maid or matron of honor.

53:58 Then when you've gone through the entire wedding ceremony with its concentration on transitions, ask anyone, are you uncertain about any part? Everyone sure of this part? If necessary, I often find I say, would you all feel more comfortable if we went through it a second time? And you get a consensus.

54:18 Sometimes people say, no, I feel perfectly comfortable. Another time you may have people or it's the first time they've been in a wedding and they're unusual. Well, I'd feel more comfortable if we did. Well, inwardly you say, oh boy, here goes another 20 minutes.

54:30 But you smile just very nicely and say, all right, we've gone through it enough. Love bears all things. And this is where your love is put to the test. And then if everyone is clear in his or her mind, then finally at the rehearsal, urge them to plan everything the day of the wedding as though the wedding we're going to start a half hour earlier than scheduled.

54:57 Now, again, this is the voice of experience.

55:01 Can't give you chapter and verse except the whole biblical doctrine of responsible forethought.

55:11 Every minute that a wedding is delayed in starting seems like five minutes for the people sitting there. So urge upon the people as you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. If the wedding is scheduled for 12, have them plan the entire morning as though it was going to start at 1130. That way, if there's a broken shoestring, or we had one guy who was funny two weddings ago,

55:38 was it one of his suspenders broke or his cummerbund came undone or some funny thing. But you never can tell you'll have someone who'll lose one of his they're like cufflinks, you know, that hold more formal shirts together and what do you call them? Studs. Studs, thank you.

55:58 And little things like that. Well, all you need is four or five of those things and the wedding can be set back 15, 20 minutes and urge them that whatever they're planning to do with the photographer to let the photographer know that he's not boss of the wedding. We had a situation recently where the wedding party was 20 minutes away. 20 minutes late, primarily because of the dumb photographer who was determined to have his outdoor pictures to satisfy his own sense of aesthetics.

56:27 And I think it was unconscionable to make people wait that long just because of the photographer. That's selfish. As you would that others do unto you, even so do you also unto them. So strongly urge the entire wedding party to make conscience of this matter.

Conducting the Wedding Service: Demeanor and Delivery

56:45 All right, now, area number four. Conducting the actual wedding. We've looked at planning the wedding, planning your prayers and your meditation, conducting the rehearsal, now finally, conducting the wedding service itself.

57:02 I would urge you to try to arrive at least a half hour before the wedding and check out the physical items. Put your Bible up in the pulpit with your notes if you're going to preach from the pulpit. I learned that the hard way. Didn't do it way back early in my ministry, and here I was with a Bible and notes and I didn't want to be carrying those.

57:27 What am I going to do with them while I'm going through the exchange of vows, etc.? Well, arrive early enough that you will not be a disruption placing your Bible with your notes up in the pulpit, making sure if you've got to have water that there's water in the glass, all of those things. And then this can be choice time to minister to the groom and to the best man.

57:51 If they have followed your directions, they will be present. They're assigned place. And there you must seek to create a relaxed climate.

58:03 Bring some words of exhortation to the groom. Seek the face of God.

58:11 And again, your prayer, the substance of it, will be dictated by who his best man is. If it's an unconverted person, then you ought to frame your prayer accordingly. If he's a beloved brother, that will influence how you pray, how long you pray, what you pray, and then about 10 minutes before starting time, take a trip down to where the bridal party is. Be sure to knock on the door before you enter.

58:41 And if they're all present, seek to do the same thing, to create a relaxed climate by just some personal words to the various members of the wedding party, and then to have prayer with them that God will quiet the minds of all in the, the wedding ceremony, particularly the bride and the groom, that God's presence would be manifested.

59:11 And then, when you actually enter into the meeting place, seek by your bearing, demeanor, facial countenance, to create a climate of solemn joy and of spiritual reality.

59:31 As you speak, speak directly and forcefully to the people. Don't mumble a wedding ritual.

59:41 That's what people expect from a reverend. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God.

59:49 Don't give them that. I just love to see the look on people's faces when I stand and the bride and the groom are in place, the attendants, and I look out and just start talking to them like a man. We're delighted that you're here today. On behalf of the bride and groom, we welcome you in the name of Christ.

60:10 To this occasion of solemn joy and rejoicing in the presence of God. Where's the dearly beloved? This guy's talking to us in ordinary language. Yeah, that's right.

60:24 Because he wants to be heard. We're not going through a ritual. See, in every man, there's something in us. Part of our remaining corruption is believers and part of the reign of sin in unbelievers.

60:37 That we are ritualists and formalists who feel comfortable going through the motions and mumbling the words. But when you enter, seek immediately to create a climate of solemn joy and spiritual reality. As you speak, speak directly and forcefully and clearly.

60:58 And if you're holding anything, hold it like a singer does. You've ever noticed in an oratorio when the singers hold their loose leaf binder? They never hold it down here with constricted lungs and head down. But it's always out here.

61:12 Why? So that the bell of the trumpet is this way. Well, do the same. Hold it in a manly way.

61:20 If you've got a notebook with your notes, hold it out here. Now, don't hide your face with it like you're talking to the angels. But hold it so your eyes and your face are out and your eyes can glance down. All of those are little things, but put together, it's the difference between the reverend who's simply doing his clerical thing and the man of God who is committed to engage in the work of God.

61:43 He's engaging people's minds and hearts on that solemn occasion.

61:51 Announce at the outset, in words suitable to your own personality and temperament, that this is a service of joy, but it is also a service of worship, that we are in the presence of God.

62:12 We respectfully request that no photographs be taken during the service.

62:20 You may have to even announce in that there be no photographs and there be no conversation. I've been in weddings where people thought the whole thing was a lark. Had I been leading such a wedding, I'd have stopped right in the middle of it. But the reverend groaned right on doing his thing.

62:37 And the people were content to let him do it. You're not a reverend doing your thing. You're a man of God. You're in the presence of God.

62:46 And serious, solemn transactions are being made before God. And you must maintain the conversation and control in that sense. And if someone wants to call you arrogant, let them call you arrogant.

63:02 You are on your way to give an account to your master. When you're charging the couple, look at them.

63:11 But speak loud enough so others can hear. They are witnessing. Some men, when they begin to charge the couple, they cut down their volume so you can't hear them. Same way when you're giving out their vows.

63:22 Yes, you're putting the words in their ears that they might exchange them. But remember, it's in the company of these witnesses. So keep your volume sustained throughout the entire exercise. If you sense distracting nervousness, speak softly to the bride or to the groom.

63:43 I've done that many a time. See them shaking. Just reached out and held the hand. Said, it's going to be all right.

63:52 People pick up on that. They sense, again, there's a real, personal, intimate relationship between you and your sheep.

64:01 When it comes to your preaching in the actual service, seek to be intensely conversational and direct.

64:10 Carefully monitor any indications of response and speak accordingly.

64:16 Suppose you were expounding the Genesis 2 passage. The Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man. He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And of the rib he made a woman and he brought her unto the man.

64:33 If you're expounding, that the origin of marriage, that it was God's idea, it was God's sensitivity to man's need, you may sense people looking at you with a look of incredulity. And you may say, now some of you are looking at me, saying, you're quoting that passage like you believe that's straightforward history.

64:51 You're hearing me rightly. Who knows better than the God who was there how it happened?

64:58 Be sensitive. It's like street meeting preaching. You don't know what's going to happen. It's not like your own flock that is relatively predictable.

65:06 And if you're not engaging people's eyes and trying to be sensitive to where they're coming from, you're not really going to communicate to them. So seek in your preaching then to be open to the signals that are being sent out by the people and do anything short of the ludicrous to both secure and maintain their undivided attention. Well, these are some of the general guidelines that I've prepared for you, relative to weddings. And I would like to urge you, while you're here in the academy, attend at least two rehearsals and two weddings.

65:47 And that will teach you more about how these things work out in the particulars. I remember, I think it was Mike at a wedding, back a couple of weddings ago, said he got a lot of pastoral theology watching me being patient and trying to keep attention from a potentially volatile situation. I forget the particulars, but we would urge you while you're here. And you say, well, would I be welcome?

66:11 If you have any question, ask the bride in boom or bunny in the marriage. Say, as part of my pastoral theology assignment, I have to attend a rehearsal. May I attend your rehearsal? And then you come and sit and then watch and learn.

66:25 This is the biblical concept of pedagogy. The things you have both heard and learned and seen in me do. And the God of peace shall be with you. So we welcome you to come.

66:36 And then, of course, in sitting at the weddings, you'll see the outworking of these principles. And I hope, try to catch the undergirding principles and see that their fleshing out is different in every individual case. Well, let's take a break now.