Practical Considerations

Review of Previous Sessions and Introduction to Practical Considerations

0:02 Now, thus far in our studies, we have sought to underscore, first of all, the basic assumptions that undergird all that we consider, and those two assumptions are the Father's concern and then the Father's word, a concern that is perfectly knowledgeable, a concern that is presently active, and a concern that is powerfully disposed to our highest good. And then in the last session, we tried to thrash out a theology of singleness, viewing the matter of singleness in the light of the biblical teaching of creation, fall, and redemption. And the general principles extracted were these, that according to the doctrine of creation, singleness is abnormal. God's norm for the created order was one Adam for one Eve, and that to be perpetuated in a sinless universe. And we can say with some degree of confidence that we're not whistling in the dark, that had there been no intrusion of sin, there probably would have been no singleness as a perpetual state. And then secondly, we considered singleness in the light of the doctrine of the fall, and tried to bring into sharp focus some of the principles that indicate many of the causes of singleness are a direct result of the fall, such as undesirable character, and the character traits, a perverted notion of what marriage is all about, etc.

1:30 And then finally, we looked at the doctrine of singleness in the light of the biblical doctrine of redemption, and we saw those four great principles concerning singleness in the orbit of God's redemptive power. Now we come in our session, our final session, to what I'm calling practical considerations relative to singleness. And the way we'll think our way through this, is again along three lines. First of all, the benefits or compensations of singleness.

2:04 I changed the word from advantage, I wasn't pleased with that, and just scratched it out now, and I'll explain why. And then secondly, we'll look at the disadvantages of singleness, or the liabilities of singleness. And thirdly, adjustment to singleness, if and until. First of all then, the benefits of singleness.

Benefits and Compensations of Singleness

2:26 Now when I speak of the benefits of singleness, I am not speaking in terms of greater advantages than the married state. If I talk about the benefits of eating apples, I'm not knocking eating pears, or saying that eating apples is better than eating pears. I'm simply saying there are certain physical advantages in eating apples that are not to be found in eating pears. But eating pears has certain physical advantages that eating apples will not give you.

2:53 So this is not setting the single-state standard. The single-state against the married state, and weighing which one is greater in worth. No, we're isolating the single-state, considering the peculiar compensations or advantages of that state, and then we'll isolate it and look at its peculiar disadvantages or liabilities, and all of these seeking to derive our perspectives from the word of God. And I would suggest that in the single-state, there are at least four.

3:25 There are four peculiar advantages or benefits or compensations. The first one is, of course, spiritually. And the Apostle refers to this in the passage that we read in our previous study, and to which we now return in some greater detail, 1 Corinthians 7, verses 25 to 35. Here the Apostle Paul teaches that the single-state is one in which there are distinct spiritual advantages if the single-state is embraced scripturally.

4:01 And that's the big if. There are no automatic spiritual advantages of the single-state, but there is an opportunity for spiritual benefit if it is rightly received, and the stewardship of singleness rightly discharged. I begin reading with verse 25. Now concerning virgins, I have no commandment of the Lord.

4:22 That is, there is no previous revelation. 1 Corinthians 7, verses 25 to 35. Now Paul is not saying that what he gives is not authoritative. He is saying, I have no previous revelation in writing or in apostolic tradition, but I am now giving you my judgment as an inspired apostle.

4:36 Paul is not saying that what he gives is not authoritative. He is saying, I have no previous revelation in writing or in apostolic tradition, but I am now giving you my judgment as an inspired apostle. Now concerning virgins, I have no commandment of the Lord, but I give my judgment as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be trustworthy. 1 John 1, verses 25 to 37.

4:53 I think therefore that it is good by reason of the deliverance of the Holy Spirit that I am well received. distress that is upon us, namely, that it's good for a man to be as he is. In other words, there was a peculiar local situation that meant that the married state had more than its normal measures of liabilities and responsibilities. Art thou bound unto a wife? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? Seek not a wife. But shouldest thou marry, thou hast not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she hath not sinned. Yet such shall have tribulation in the flesh, and I would spare you.

5:32 Now, you see, the apostle's whole motive is not that he's a sour old bachelor or a sour divorcee, as some suggest, or a bitter old widower, but he says, I have a genuine concern to spare you of certain things, and therefore in the light of these peculiar circumstances in which you are living, my counsel is that, perhaps the single state will be to your advantage. But this I say, brethren, the time is shortened, that henceforth they that have wives may be as though they had none, and those that weep as though they wept not, and those that rejoice as though they rejoice not, and those that buy as though they possess not, and those that use the world as not using it to the full, for the fashion of this world passeth away. But I would have you to be free from cares. You see that strand of emphasis that comes out again? To spare you, I would have you to be free from cares. He that is unmarried is careful for the

6:28 things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. He that is married is careful for the things of the world, how he may please his wife. Now, this is not a complete or an absolute contrast. A married Christian is certainly careful for the Lord. No man's a Christian who excludes the Lord from his married life. But what he's saying is that in addition to normal spiritual demands and privileges and opportunities, the marriage is not a marriage. The marriage is not a marriage. The married man also has legitimate domestic duties and responsibilities, whereas the non-married man does not. So this is not an absolute contrast, but a relative contrast. Verse 34. So the woman that is unmarried and the virgin is careful for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she that is married is careful for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is seemly. That you may attend upon the Lord without distraction. Now, that's the key phrase. That I

7:30 may spare you of cares, that you may be free from cares, that you may attend upon the Lord without distraction. And so the apostle intimates that there are distinct spiritual advantages to the single state. Therefore, the single person who has learned to discipline the added time, the conserved energy, of the single state can make spiritual strides that that same person in the married state would not be able to make. Now, you find at least two clear examples of this in the New Testament. You have in Luke chapter 2, a wonderful example of a woman who used her single state, in this case, the state of widowhood, to her own and others' spiritual advantage. Luke chapter 2, verses 36 and 37. And there was one Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was of great age, having lived with a husband seven years from her virginity. And she

8:42 had been a widow even unto four score and four years. So she was 84 years of age. She had been married for only seven years of that time. Well, what did she do after she entered the single state again? It says, she departed not from the temple, worshipping with fastings and supplications night and day. Here was a woman who gave herself to a ministry of prayer. This became her life. There were no crying children demanding that she feed their mouths. There was no husband who demanded of her, in the right sense, his due as a husband, both in keeping the home, in providing for him sexually, emotionally, and in giving him the right to live. And she was a widow. She was a widow emotionally, all of these ways. And so her single state was turned to her and others' spiritual advantage. And you have the Apostle Paul intimating that this is many

9:38 times the peculiar opportunity of widows. First Timothy 5 and verse 5. First Timothy 5 and verse 5. Now she that is a widow indeed and desolate hath her hope set on God and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day. Here is a widow who is able to embrace her widowhood, that is her state of singleness, and turn it to her spiritual profit. So then there are distinct benefits and compensations of a single life. One of them is here defined as spiritual. Then secondly, there are distinct benefits culturally. Now this is a big world.

The Stewardship of Singleness

10:26 With much to know, to enjoy, and to experience. And though we just read in 1 Corinthians 7 that we who are in the world are not to use the world to the full, that is live as though we only went around once and this was all. Nonetheless, the scripture says God has given us all things richly to enjoy. We read in 1 Corinthians 3 that the world is yours. And because this is God's world, and as the Christian, I'm the only one who's able rightly to enjoy the world, I'm the only one who's able to understand it and rightly to use it. It is a wonderful thing to be able to travel and to take in more of God's world, to see the different cultures that he has made, to read and try to stretch one's mind with reference to the many facets of God's world and man whom God has placed in it, to visit with people. All of the things that mean legitimate cultural development that make you more and more a whole person. Why, you see, a single person has a distinct advantage. As a married man, I cannot spend legitimately

11:35 even an evening a week developing my cultural capacities. I'd love to, but I cannot because if I can have a free evening from the responsibilities of the ministry, I must spend that with my family. Now, that's a delight. That's not a burden, but it is a duty. And duty and delight are not necessarily contradictions. So then, a single person has this distinct advantage of the cultural opportunities or opportunities for cultural development and advancement. And then, thirdly, there is a benefit diaconately, and I'm using the word diaconately in terms of loving service rendered to the people of God. Again, the single person has a tremendous advantage in seeking out people who just need to have two ears.

12:30 And the single person, without domestic responsibilities, can have a tremendous ministry of service, the service of simply listening for an evening to an older person, to a distressed person, someone in special need, to entertain the lonely and the confused. Because of the fewer monetary demands generally upon the single person, man or woman, the single person can serve much more in acts of Christian kindness and benevolence, giving far beyond the needs of the individual, responding to specific needs that come into the awareness of that individual. The money is not going for the clothes for children, four seasons, and all the rest. And though Uncle gives me $750 for each of my child for deductions, I tell you, I don't raise him on $750 a year. You pay that alone for their Christian school tuition and transportation, just about. So there is the demand, economically, that the single person, if I ask him, will rather not pay, than to have $750 a year of service for the child, because the child itself is not going to have aim at the cost of that company. So, there are two kinds of peace, but there are, also, the nimmt of being single, which is the young age, the first one, which is the age of the child and is the age of the soul, male darling, and the second one, which is the age of the soul,

13:55 of the soul. And the middle one is the age when the child is the age of the soul, and the middle one is the age when the child is single. So therefore, let's get into the common sense of the value of the first one. The first one, the rest of the apostles verse 5 then he talks about his other rights the right to live of the gospel the right to be free from the trappings of the ceremonial law these are his rights as a christian as a son of god he's free from any kind of asceticism which would say you can't be married you can't eat he's free from any kind of of bondage to these matters yet he says in verse 15 i have used none of these things why for verse 17 if i do this of mine own will i have a reward but not of mine own will i have a stewardship entrusted to me what then is my reward that when i preach the gospel i make the gospel without charge he goes on to say that i relinquished these rights because of my concern to advance the gospel of jesus christ so when i was among the jews i've submitted myself to the the the that i might gain the conscience of the jews and because i was determined to take the gospel to all the population centers of the roman empire i forwent the privilege of having a wife it wouldn't be right to bring a wife onto a ship that ends up at the bottom of the ocean and you floating on a plank and uh all of the rest and we've just finished reading the book of acts in our own

15:21 family devotions and i've just seen the wisdom of the apostle it would have been cruel for him to subjected a woman to the kind of life he lived as a pioneer missionary and an apostle and so the single person does have distinct evangelistic advantages i'm convinced that if a man feels his call his pioneer missionary work into raw undeveloped cultures it is wrong for him it is wrong for him to take a wife and then leave that wife and children two and three months at a time while he goes on trek and then sees them for a week or two and then is off three months my bible says husbands dwell with your wives according to knowledge my bible says ye fathers rear your children and i cannot believe god gives a man a wife only to direct him to leave that wife more time than when he's with her and i think you need to face this with regard to careers i believe there are christian men sinning preserving their careers at the expense of being obedient to dwelling with their wives and caring and rearing their children caring for and rearing their children likewise in terms of home bible studies the establishment of the kind of relationships that demand time there are some people if you're going to reach them with the gospel you have to spend hours and hours just nurturing their friendship maybe some distressed gal in the office where you

16:47 work the kind of person that never had a mother who listened to her didn't have a father who cared has never had a friend and somehow this person is sensed in you a friend and so what do they do they're going to make up inside of a few months all the dimensions of friendship that they haven't had for years that takes time time that many times only a single person has legitimately available and so there are distinct evangelistic advantages to the single state so then i would suggest that in these four errors areas spiritually culturally diaconately and evangelistically there are these benefits these compensations of the single state and the single state and the single state and the state if if and there's the big if if the single state is embraced to the heart and the stewardship of that single state is discharged under the eye of god now let me ask you who are single and would have it otherwise if in that present state you have recognized your singleness as a peculiar stewardship i know you've recognized it as a burden and it's shameful to say in some areas you even must bear it as a stigma and that's wicked you'll never hear me publicly talk about

18:03 old maids that's wicked to make people feel there's a stigma to singleness but now if you felt the stigma if you felt the pangs let me ask you have you ever consciously embraced the privileges of the stewardship of singleness lord in your wise and loving providence i'm in a situation that can be to my advantage spiritually culturally diaconately and evangelistically lord help me to see and to discharge that stewardship maybe that's the key that some of you need to put into the lock of a present state of frustration and bitterness and you'll find yourself walking through the door thus unlocked into a new dimension of liberty freedom and joy in the holy spirit so if you have yet to accept your state as a possible gift from god i hope you will seeing that there are distinct advantages if you are plagued with the kind of a chronic illness that makes you too high a risk for marriage male or female then perhaps you need to look upon that chronic illness or sickness as god's way of hedging you into the stewardship of the single life and its peculiar

Moral Disadvantages and Liabilities of Singleness

19:23 compensations and advantages all right moving then from the distinct advantages of the single state it has its own peculiar liabilities and disadvantages since it is an abnormal state there are special dangers attached to it and let me suggest first of all there are dangers morally secondly spiritually and thirdly as a catch all for some others i couldn't classify generally all right first of all then the disadvantages morally and here we go to the first few verses of first corinthians seven now concerning the things whereof he wrote the quote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. In other words, Paul says if a man has the gift of celibacy and he never touches, that is, he never enters into sexual union with a woman, this is not to be regarded as something that is a negation of his manhood. Now, you see, he's not saying it's better. He's simply saying it is good. If a man has the gift of singleness,

20:31 there's nothing wrong with it. The single state is good. The married state is good. That's all he's saying. It is good if a man does not touch a woman. But because of fornications, that is, because of sexual deviations, impurities, let each man have his own wife. That's a command. And each woman have her own husband, also a command. Then, from the command to have a wife or husband, he says, then function sexually as a wife or husband should. Let the husband render unto the wife her due. That is, be sensitive. And responsive to her physical sexual needs. And likewise, the wife unto the husband. Why?

21:14 The wife hath not power over her own body. That is, her body as a sexual entity was not given for herself. And this will help you with the whole question of masturbation.

21:26 Our sexual faculties were given not for ourselves. Isn't that what he says? The wife hath not power over her own body. Her body as a sexual entity was not given for herself. That is, her body as a sexual entity was not given for herself. But was given that as an Eve, she might answer to the needs of her Adam. Likewise, he says, the husband hath not power over his own body. My body as a sexual entity was not made such for me. It was made for my Eve. Therefore, he says, do not withhold one from the other, except by mutual consent for a season, that you may give yourselves unto prayer and may be saved. And that is, the wife unto the husband. That is, the wife unto the husband. That is, the wife unto the husband. That is, the wife unto the husband. That is, the wife unto the husband.

22:06 And may be together again that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency. But this I say by way of concession, not of commandment. That is, there is no previous revelation that I'm reiterating. Yet I would that all men were even as myself, how be it? Each man hath his own gift from God, one after this manner and another after that. Now, the Bible knows nothing of the kind of fastidiousness that will not discuss sexual matters with discretion and frankness. This is purely a hangover of pagan thought. It's a carryover of a long-time kind of Victorian mentality.

22:44 The Bible speaks very realistically to the peculiar moral problems of singleness. Now, follow closely when I say that marriage is not a cure-all for all sexual problems. And if you think it is, you're kidding yourself. Marriage is not a cure-all for all sexual problems or problems of a sexual nature.

23:06 Neither is marriage an ironclad insurance against immorality. But marriage is the normal, legitimate outlet for normal, God-given sexual appetite and desire. And I've used the word normal carefully. I have married people coming to me still troubled with masturbation and with pornography. These are abnormal things. I've had to deal with married people who have problems with homosexuality. Abnormal things. Abnormal things. Abnormal things. Abnormal things. Abnormal Normal sexual behavior operates at a separate realm, and I don't understand it, but I know it's so, in pastoral counseling. Marriage is the God-ordained fulfillment of normal sexual desire.

23:55 So if you're dallying around with deviant sexual appetite, don't you think that marriage is going to rectify that?

24:03 You'll carry that problem right into your marriage. That's why you need to deal with it now, or you're not prepared to be married. And I could cite instances, but I won't. I'll just state the fact, and if anyone wants the proof of that privately without mentioning names, I'd be glad to mention some of these things.

24:20 And so, if you have no gift from God for self-control, and there's no other alternative, it's either burn with passion or be married. And people say, well, the Bible doesn't speak explicitly about certain other forms of sexual outlet. It doesn't speak explicitly about masturbation. No, it doesn't.

24:37 But don't you catch some of the undertones and overtones in this passage? What does Paul say? If a man cannot contain, if a woman cannot contain, let them terminate their sexual desire upon themselves? No, he says, let them marry or burn.

24:50 The only God-ordained outlet of normal sexual desire and appetite is the married state. And therefore, if you have no gift from God for the celibate state, yet remain single and cripple yourself with sexual sins, you're violating the spirit of the seventh commandment. In the larger catechism, the question is asked, how is the seventh commandment violated? And you know what one of the answers is?

25:17 Undue delay of marriage. Undue delay of marriage.

25:24 Is this a command or a suggestion in 1 Corinthians 7? Verse 2. But because of fornications, or, that is, sexual impurity, let each man have his own wife. Is that a suggestion or a command?

25:40 You're under commandment to be married. You're under commandment to be married.

25:45 If God has not given you the gift of marriage, if God has not given the capacity for singleness, each man hath his gift from God, and if God has not given that gift, and you remain unmarried, you're sinning. Some of you gals say, yeah, I know that, but just don't go out and grab a husband. I'm not a man.

26:04 I'd like to. Ah, but listen, listen, listen. Though you cannot take the initiative in the way a man can, you can deal with those things that are making you undesirable for men. And we'll come to some of those factors.

26:23 So there are peculiar dangers morally. The outlet for sexual desire is not fantasy, fornication, masturbation, pornography. It is the sanctity of the married relationship, discharged under the eye of God, recognizing that as an Eve, I am a sexual being to fulfill my Adam. As an Adam, I am a sexual being to fulfill and complement my Eve.

Spiritual Disadvantages and Liabilities of Singleness

26:48 All right? Secondly, there are distinct liabilities, liabilities and disadvantages spiritually.

26:55 And I trust, again, you'll listen carefully as I try to develop this thought. Let me do so by laying a couple of principles before you. God has ordained human relationships as a means of sanctification. That's why he puts us in his church.

27:11 We're never saved in isolation. We're saved individually, but we're saved and incorporated into the body of Christ. Right? By one spirit, we are all baptized, into one body.

27:26 Now, one of God's purposes in putting us into the body is that in the context of the interrelationships of the body, we might act as sandpaper upon one another. That we might be instrumental in each other's sanctification. So that's principle number one. God has ordained human relationships as a means of sanctification.

27:47 Secondly, the more intimate the human relationship, the more potentially sanctifying it becomes. People from a distance neither aggravate me, provoke me, nor influence me for my better, for my good. But it's when we get into closer proximity to each other that something in them provokes something in me and brings to the surface an attitude, a disposition that is sinful, that is wicked. Or in that closer relationship, I see a virtue in them that I begin to emulate and imitate and it's for my well-being.

28:24 That's the second principle. The more intimate, the more intimate a relationship, the more potentially sanctifying it is. Well, you see what my third one is going to be, don't you? Since marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships, it is the most sanctifying of all human relationships.

28:43 And because this is true, or I'll show you how it is true, and then we'll do the because. In the marriage bond, there is a daily and constant call to the first requirement of discipleship. What's the first requirement of discipleship? If any man will come after me, let him what?

29:00 Deny himself. Deny himself. Deny himself. Now, what happens in the married relationship?

29:06 I, as a husband, can no longer think in terms of I, me, and mine, and me.

29:11 It is ours,

29:14 us, she, they, them.

29:21 From the most mundane things as to what will be served at my table to the more profound and weighty issues as where we shall live, what kind of job I shall enjoy, and give myself to. I cannot think in terms of my personal inclinations alone. My likes and dislikes, and no, no. I must learn to say no to myself for the sake of that wife whom I'm seeking to love as Christ loved the church, who said no to himself, and said, not my will but thine be done, and gave himself up in a bloody death upon the cross.

29:56 The principle, he that would save his life shall what? Lose it? But he that shall lose, shall lose his life for my sake shall save it. And you see, the intimacy of marriage and the resultant family life holds the most wonderful circumstance in which to see yourself for what you really are.

30:19 To see how deeply ingrained is your selfishness, your pride, your stubbornness, and all of your other sinful quirks. And when marriage is rightly embraced as a sanctifying gift from God, it becomes a marvelous instrument in the development of the Christian life. Therefore, as a general rule, and I'm just speaking generally, thank God there are blessed exceptions, but they are but blessed exceptions. Continuance in the single state generally results in the development of glaring areas of inconsistency and insensitivity in the man or woman who continues in that state.

31:01 The picture, the picture of the self-centered, insensitive, egotistical bachelor didn't come from nowhere. It did not come from nowhere. Double negatives, but it's still good English. It did not come from nowhere.

31:19 It came from somewhere. And the picture of the joyless, jealous, sour maiden did not come out of the blue either. Where did it come from? It came from human observation.

31:41 When you take Ephesians 5 seriously and realize that there is no lesser standard for the husband-wife relationship than that intimate, beautiful, lofty relationship of Christ to his church, you realize that the demands for deep, inward, personal sanctification are more intensely applied in the married state as a general rule than could ever be known in the single state. And the reason some of you, you have reached a plateau in general development of Christian character is that you're still in the single state. And I've made the statement privately, and I'm not afraid to make it publicly, I've rarely met a bachelor who gets much beyond 30 who grows significantly in likeness to Christ while remaining a bachelor. Rarely. Now, thank God there are a few exceptions. But as a general rule, this is true because there's something about having to live for your wife, and your children that makes it much easier to live for brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.

32:48 This whole matter of sensitivity, you just can't, in the family, go around with one big red toe, just waitin' for everybody to touch it. You can't do it. You can't do it. And so you learn to conquer hypersensitivity, jealousy, all of these petty things that are such a grief to the Lord and a stench in his nostrils.

33:11 Let them not come upon you! How I thank God for the disciplines of sanctification that my wife and my children have provided for me. I've still got a long way to go, but I wonder what kind of a character I'd be if it hadn't been for their blessed influence upon me for almost 20 years. I thank God for that.

33:31 And there's another factor that enters here. Most women, and here I must say, because the Bible speaks of this in the feminine perspective, most women, particularly if they're young, cannot handle the added opportunities of singleness. They abuse them to greater sin. That's why Paul said in 1 Timothy 5, 13 and 14, I will that the younger women marry.

33:52 Why? Because he says if they don't, they run about from house to house idle busybodies.

33:59 1 Timothy 5, verses 13 and 14. Look at the direction.

34:04 We can start with verse 11. But the younger widows refuse, that is, don't enroll them and make them wards of the church, for when they've waxed wanton against Christ, they desire to marry, having condemnation, because they've rejected their first pledge. And with all, they learn also to be idle, going about from house to house, and not only idle, but taplers also, and busybodies speaking things that they ought not. I desire, therefore, that the younger, and widows is applied, it just says younger, could be widows, or he could be extending it to women as well in general, that the younger marry, bear children, rule the household.

34:39 Why? As a means of sanctification. He said to keep them from gossiping, to keep them from being busybodies. Get them busy about others' bodies, and then they won't be busy about busybodying.

34:50 You see what he's saying? Get them busy caring for the bodies of their children, the body of the husband. Get them busy in the areas of legitimate concern. It will act as a preventative to these other areas of sinful behavior.

35:06 So there are distinct disadvantages to the single state. Spiritually, your own sanctification, can be impeded while you continue in the single state. You may not be able to handle the peculiar opportunities of singleness, and therefore your singleness becomes a stumbling block. And then, of course, thirdly, and again, I speak with pain, because I know how some of you girls would long to have a spiritual head, since the fall of man, woman, is even more dependent upon the man and his leadership than even before.

35:37 Genesis 3.16, after the fall, God said in the context of pronouncing the curse upon the earth and bringing temporal judgments to Adam and Eve, thy desire shall be to thy husband and he shall rule over thee. Whatever proper submission there was before the fall, woman's dependence upon the man has even been intensified since the fall. And I don't understand that, but it's revealed in Scripture.

36:01 And you have that reiterated in 1 Corinthians 11 as well. And so there are distinct disadvantages. I say to some of you fellows, the best thing in the world, that could happen to you is begin to have to be concerned about somebody else other than yourself. Be the most wonderful thing in the world for you to begin to take into the orbit of your life the biblical notion that I shall begin to relate to another person where the standard of that relationship is nothing less than Christ's relationship to his church.

General Disadvantages of Singleness

36:36 Blessed is the girl who comes into such an orbit, and blessed is the man who begins to exercise such a love. So there are distinct disadvantages, morally, spiritually, and then that little catch-all, generally. And let me mention just a couple of things. First of all, generally, the disadvantage of the single state is an inability to relate to many people in a deep and meaningful way.

37:01 2 Corinthians 1 contains a wonderful principle of the Christian life. Paul says, God who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort others by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. Paul says, whether we are afflicted, it is for your sake. Whether we are comforted, it is for your sake.

37:19 In other words, Paul got beyond the notion that everything that happens to me terminates upon me. He says, no, what happens to me terminates upon those to whom I minister. And one of the great blessings, you see, of the trials, the heartaches, the sorrows, the tensions, the problems, the joys, and the consolations of marriage, is that those sorrows and joys and consolations fit you to enter in much more broadly and sympathetically to the needs of others. I don't know how, if I were not a married man, I could give premarital counseling.

37:59 I don't know how I could stand with parents whose hearts are breaking over their children unless I myself knew what it was to have a heavy heart for my children. So there is that general inability to enter in and identify, not of necessity now, God can make single people very sensitive, but they are the exception. And then, of course, the second general disadvantage is most people cannot rise above the constant awareness of incompleteness in the single state, which makes them restless. They can't settle into a career, they can't settle into a job, they are just like a cat on a tin roof, in the sense that their feet can never rest.

38:43 And there is something very, very, very sad about a restless single who obviously is screaming to the world, I feel my singleness, I'm restless, I'm discontent, I'm unsettled. And that's a general disadvantage of the single state. Now I'm sure others could be mentioned, but these are the ones that, as I thought over these matters and tried to relate them to the Scriptures, came most forcefully to my own mind. All right, having looked then at the benefits of singleness, the liabilities of singleness, now our third concern, adjustment to singleness, if and until.

Adjustment to Singleness: Accepting God's Dispensation

39:21 That is, if God has marriage for you and until He brings it to pass. Now I'm going to give you seven little axioms or principles or rules or directions, whatever you want to call them. All right, the first one is this. Accept your present state of singleness as a wise, loving dispensation of your loving heavenly Father.

39:48 Now that almost drips with love, but I did it purposely. Accept your present state of singleness as a loving, wise dispensation of your loving heavenly Father. If I'm of marriageable age, why has God not brought my Eve to me? Why has God not brought my Adam to me?

40:13 Well, I don't know all the reasons, but Father, I know one thing. My life is not a little area in the universe from which you have abdicated your sovereign control. I am not a little vacuum spot in the universe outside of your control and your loving provision. Father, I do believe that all things are working together for my good.

40:37 Go back to Philippians 4, 13 and 14. Lord, teach me in this present state to be content. Lord, I couldn't rightly receive my Eve or my Adam unless I was content. And there's a beautiful example of that in creation.

40:50 There's no indication that Adam was running around pulling God's skirt, saying, God, when in the world are you going to get an Eve for me? He was willing to sleep while God made his Eve. Are you? You see what I'm talking about now?

41:06 In the sense that you can embrace the singleness as a loving dispensation of your loving heavenly Father. And I say this fully conscious that God could bring me to that place in years ahead. And I trust someone will remind me of what I'm saying to you now should God bring me to that place. The thought of living without the woman who shared my life for 18 years is unthinkable.

41:35 As two become so much one in every dimension of life, it's unthinkable. But one thing I know, if God brought me through that trial, he would not shortchange me with his grace. I'd become an atheist before I'd believe that. So you must, from the heart, embrace it as a loving, wise dispensation of a loving Father.

Adjustment to Singleness: Exploiting Advantages and Working on Undesirables

41:54 Secondly, exploit your present state of singleness in all of its advantages. Exploit it. There are times when some of you, you say, yeah, it wouldn't be, but you mark my word that it'll be true. There's some of you, if you're married a couple of years from now, there are situations where you'll hanker for your single state.

42:14 There'll be times when you say, oh, if only. That's right. That's right. See, you look at marriage very romantically and unrealistically, most of you.

42:26 But you get an insight. You get an insight of it. And the grass ain't quite so green as it was when you were looking out from the fence, which said, stay off. When you've walked through the fence and you're in the pasture, it's not quite the same.

42:40 So exploit your present state of singleness in all of its advantages. You have no assurance of tomorrow. Live to the hilt the will of God today. Say to yourself and then to the Lord, I shall capitalize upon the distinct spiritual, cultural, diaconate and evangelistic advantages of my single state.

43:00 Now follow. Not only will this please God, but it's the best advertisement to your potential Adam or Eve that you're worth being married. If you don't live to the hilt the opportunities of the single state, how does anyone know or have any assurance you're going to live to the hilt the opportunities and privileges of the married state? Isn't this what Jesus meant when he said he that is faithful in little is faithful in much?

43:28 He that is in unjust in little is unjust in much. You see, a woman or a man does not bring anything into marriage but what they bring to marriage. And you bring nothing to marriage but what you have in your single state. There's no magic gases that surround the front of a church when you say I do that change you into some kind of a mighty spiritual giant, a sensitive, tender man, and a loving, obedient, submissive woman.

43:59 There's no magical gases that surround the marriage altar and there's no magical gases in the honeymoon suite either. Now that's the reason some of you aren't married. Because it's too evident to fellows or girls that you're not living to the hilt. Your present operative, you're a dull person, miserably dull.

44:22 The thought of living with you for the rest of the life will turn a guy off or a fellow off so quickly. Why? Because you're not married. You're not living to the hilt, the present dimensions of your opportunities.

44:36 And so I plead with you, exploit your present state of singleness and all its advantages. Thirdly, work on your undesirables. Now you know what this is going to mean and some of you just don't have the spiritual guts to do this but I hope some of you do. Go to some people whose spiritual judgment you trust, whose spiritual counsel you have confidence, and say to them, are you my brother, my sister in the Lord?

45:07 Yes. Do you love me for Christ's sake? Yes. All right.

45:11 You believe what the scripture says, faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. And then you ask that person or those people this question. What do you see in my whole lifestyle that from your perspective as a married person would make me undesirable as a marriage partner? And then be prepared to swallow your pride?

45:42 Dare to do that. No, I'm dead serious now. I'm dead in earnest. Be prepared for somebody to say, well, I'll tell you, you are the dullest, drabbest dresser.

45:56 Invest a few bucks in some new clothes. Or you are a bore in a public group. You run off at the mouth. Nobody else gets a chance.

46:08 You irritate people. You just plain talk too much. Or you're too loud. You dominate the conversation.

46:17 Or they may have to say, look, you're so painfully shy that you almost hang out a shingle saying, don't get too close because I'll run if you do. You've got to work on your shyness. I mean, are you that serious about becoming a desirable marriage partner that you're willing for that kind of self-exposure? It doesn't stop with this, you know.

46:40 Periodically, I must ask my wife. It hurts, but I must do it. Husband, honey, what do you see in me that is not consistent with what I profess to be? What areas of my life are not yielding before the sanctifying influence of the Spirit?

46:59 I think it's pleasant when she says, well, honey, I have noticed that in recent days you've been awfully quick if this situation or that situation develops. I haven't said anything, but I have prayed about it. And I'll say, well, help me to see that thing. And then I'll say to her, dear, remind me.

47:16 God puts her there to be an instrument of sanctification in my life. Well, you don't have that relationship yet. And many of you won't have it until you're willing to start this with someone who can be a mirror in which you can see yourself reflected. Start working on your undesirables.

47:34 That means, first of all, you've got to see those undesirables in your physical appearance, in your general character, in your general competence, to be a provider, to be a good wife. What graces, what attitudes. Some of you just need to start losing the fat that hangs on you. Because though we mentioned earlier, we're not to judge solely by outward appearance.

48:01 If God has made us, for the most part, that blubber is ugly and absence of it is more attractive, then God expects us to live in a world where that's so and to act accordingly. Get rid of that drab appearance. Tame your loud voice. Stop reading or writing your emotions all over your face so that people can tell from ten blocks away that you've got the world on your shoulder.

48:27 You know, these are undesirable character traits that you must work on. Now, follow me, follow me. There's nothing that will make you more desirable as a marriage partner that won't make you a better Christian. So if for no other motive than being more like Christ, shouldn't you want to deal with your undesirables?

48:45 What have you lost?

48:49 Nothing but that which is ugly and a reproach to Christ and dishonoring to his name. So that's my third line of counsel. Accept your present state, exploit it, work on your undesirables for, number four, pray continually for God's preparation of you and his provision for you. Pray for God's preparation of you and his provision for you.

Adjustment to Singleness: Prayer and Legitimate Contacts

49:16 If you believe that marriage is the norm and you're not going to accept that you're the exception until God makes it plain in his providence, then you should assume that marriage is God's lot for you. Therefore, pray as part of your regular prayer concerns. Lord, make me the kind of Adam that will be what I ought to be to the Eve that you're preparing for me. Pray for God's preparation of you and his provision for you.

49:45 Lord, I don't ask you to put me to sleep and take a rib, but I do believe you are just as certainly and powerfully preparing an Eve for me who will answer to my needs. And this comes into an area where the physical, the emotional, the psychological, God nowhere promises that he'll give me a beautiful woman or a beautiful man in the sense that they would win beauty contests, but neither will God make me marry someone who turns me off physically. That would be tyrannical. God's no tyrant.

50:19 He will cause the person to be attractive to me. But I can't say what that is. Oh, I like blondes or I like brunettes. It's amazing how that changes with things.

50:28 This is no insult to blondes, but after living with a brunette for 18 years, blondes look so blah to me now. They just do. When I was a teenager, I thought blondes were great. Now, blondes, meh.

50:45 Blue eyes, meh. I've just been living with dark hair and brown eyes for so long that to me that's the only thing that counts. You see, those things can change. So my counsel to you is pray for God's preparation of you and his provision for you.

51:04 Philippians 4, 5, and 6, in nothing be anxious but by prayer. James 4, you have not because you what? You ask not. Or he says, you ask and receive not.

51:16 Why? Because you ask amiss that you may consume it upon your lust. Your whole concern for marriage partners, I want something for me rather than, Lord, you've made me to contribute to someone. You see the difference of the whole perspective?

51:32 Now, Lord, fit me to be one who will give myself to compliment my Adam, my Eve. All right, direction number five. Put yourself in the place of legitimate contacts and acquaintances. That's what this weekend is.

51:50 And I don't think we need to be embarrassed about that. Put yourself in the place of legitimate contacts and acquaintances. If you're a Christian, there's only one thing you can say for sure about that husband or wife that God will give you. It will be another believer.

52:05 God never leads believers to marry unbelievers. Now, he may overrule the headstrong folly of son, but it's never his revealed will. Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. How can the most intimate relationship of all human relationships attain any intimacy when there's no intimacy at the deepest level of intimacy, which is the spiritual?

52:28 It's impossible. So then, put yourself in the place of legitimate contacts and acquaintances. Is there anything wrong with a fellow seeking to know where there may be some Christian girls and seeking to put himself in some kind of geographical proximity? No.

52:48 Not unless he must relinquish other duties to do so. Is there anything wrong with girls doing the same? No. Now, if they come into the situation with a sign around their neck saying, I'm available and waiting to be plucked.

Adjustment to Singleness: Establishing Biblical and Realistic Ideals

52:59 Now, let all things be done with moderation. All right? Directive number six. And now here's where I'm going to get in hot water again, but I've got to say it.

53:23 Direction number six is establish biblical and realistic ideals. All right? You're praying for your Eve and for your Adam. Now, how are you going to recognize them when they come?

53:36 Oh, you say, it'll be easy. You'll be six foot two, 44-inch chest, 34-inch waist. It'll be easy to recognize. Is that what you're doing?

53:48 That's tempting God. To pray for something and then not to use means to attain it or to tell God what it should be is tempting God. And so my sixth exhortation is establish biblical and realistic ideals. And where do you get them?

54:09 From the Scripture. Talk with married people. Talk with married people. Single out some guy in the church who seems to be happily married and his wife is just ordinary looking.

54:21 You fellows. And talk to him. Say, now look, I hope you don't feel insulted, but I need light. I need help.

54:27 Your wife is obviously a fine Christian woman, but she'd never make the average guy turn twice when she walked by. Oh, that's right. No, I'm dead serious. I'm not trying to be funny.

54:40 But I admire you. You obviously have a happy relationship. You obviously are not looking at other women. Tell me, just what is the place of the physical attractiveness in the marriage?

54:49 You get it straight from the horse's mouth. Get it straight from some married man and let him tell you how relatively insignificant is the arrangement here, here, here and the rest of the place. You let him tell you. And it will help you to establish realistic ideals.

55:08 Same way with you girls. You don't need a man that is a little Greek god to meet your needs physically, emotionally and in every other way. You have a man who takes seriously Ephesians 5 and you could be four foot eight, five feet with his Adler's elevated shoes on. And you let him have glasses as thick as Coke bottles.

55:39 But listen, if he takes Ephesians 5 seriously and tries to love you as Christ loved the church and rear your children to the glory of God, you know what you'll do at the end of your days? You'll say, thank God for the Adam the Lord gave me. You will. You will.

55:59 We could parade into this place, woman after woman who would make that her testimony. We could also parade in here things that would land us all in a veritable botchum, a veil of tears of girls who set unreal ideals and standards and either jumped at people who met those standards contrary to the word, or listen to me, listen, because they set unrealistic standards for so long and God never met those standards, never brought an Adam or an Eve to those standards. Then they began to get desperate and they jumped at the first thing with trousers on it when they began to get to that place where they realized, look, if I don't get married soon, I've had it. And that's the tragic case of many Christian girls.

56:42 Pastor Blaise and I were talking yesterday. We meet on Fridays to share and pray together and I went over the material with him and I said I'd appreciate any additional help or emphases you'd feel I should make and he said one point you must make. He said, I saw it time after time in London. There's girls who said, I've never met anyone who had realistic ideals and then years passed and no one fit that idealistic mold.

57:07 And in their desperation they grabbed at anything and they ru the day that they did. So I plead with you, establish biblical and realistic ideals for what you want and believe God would have you desire in a husband or wife. And then the seventh directive, and this is my final word to you, is the most difficult directive to obey. Face your real reasons for avoiding marriage.

Adjustment to Singleness: Facing Real Reasons for Avoiding Marriage

57:39 Face your real reasons for avoiding marriage. Now, of course, this applies to those of you who could, humanly speaking, be married if you wanted to bad enough. Why is it, why is it, some of you fellows, the minute a girl really begins to show a favorable, positive, I'm available response, you get turned off. And it's those who say, as you begin to show a real interest, I'm not interest, you continue to hold a torch for them.

58:07 You know what the real reason is? You really don't want to be married. You're scared of marriage. And you want to kid yourself that you want to be married.

58:14 And you say, well, I want so desperately, but the one I want doesn't want me. No, no, the real issue is, consciously or unconsciously, you're scared to death of the responsibilities of marriage. So any girl that you really know is available, you conveniently avoid any kind of an intimate relationship that might eventuate in marriage. Now, you need to face that, some of you fellows, honestly, squarely, head on, and say, Lord, that's it.

58:40 I've been playing games. And you need to stop playing games in the light of the principles that we considered this morning. For some of you girls, the same thing is true. You don't want the total exposure that marriage will bring.

58:57 A fellow begins to show real interest in you, and you know that areas of your whole entire personality begin to be opened up that you don't want anybody, I'm not talking about some sordid affair in the past. I don't mean that. But you just don't want that kind of total intrusion. Remember where the creation account ended?

59:14 And they were both naked and were not ashamed. And thank God in redemption, that's what God does with a man and woman. They stand naked before each other. I'm not talking physically, though the physical may enter into the sexual act.

59:25 I'm talking about the personality. I dare to be fully exposed to another person, and wonder of wonders, still be confident that they love me. Are you ready for total exposure? That won't be pleasant.

59:39 Maybe that's why you're avoiding marriage. I don't want that level of exposure. I like these casual acquaintances. They're fine, they're nice.

59:46 But total exposure, never. You better face that for what it is, because that's a result of the fall. That's a result of sin. Because it's sin not entered.

59:58 Every Eve would welcome total exposure with every Adam. Every Adam would welcome total exposure with the Eve that God gave him. It's sin that has made us ashamed. It's sin that has filled us with fears.

60:11 And perfect love casteth out fear. Face your real reasons for avoiding marriage. Face them honestly. Ask God to dig down into the deep levels of your personality, and bring to light those real reasons.

Encouragement for Healing and Total Exposure in Marriage

60:26 And then, by the grace of God, begin to deal with them. And you may think, well, my problem is such that I just could never expose it. May I give you a little encouragement? I've deliberately steered clear of anecdotes and stories because I've wanted to give you biblical materials.

60:42 But let me just conclude with one or two incidences that may help you. There was one young man in past ministries, not a member of our church, so you Trinity people don't sit there and talk. Who one day at a wedding, of all places, came up to me with almost a wild look in his eye and says, I've got to speak to you. Apparently, the whole wedding ceremony was a big one.

61:15 And he just finally gave him the courage that he felt he could tell something he'd never told anyone else before. He said, you know, Pastor Martin, why? I've just had casual interests, and then I back off in casual. You know why?

61:24 I said, no, I don't. I've wondered what in the world's wrong with you. He said, I'll tell you why. He says, I've got homosexual tendencies, and I've never shared this with anyone.

61:36 I've never been a practicing homosexual. He said, I really wonder if I could consummate a marriage, and therefore I haven't wanted to hurt a Christian girl by getting serious. And then I guess he thought that I was going to condemn him to hell or something. I said, well, what else?

61:50 He said, that's it. I said, all right, let's go to work on that. So we began to go to work on it, and we began to go into the scriptures, began to give him good Christian literature that would flush out some of the wrong stimuli, some of the wrong channels of thought and perspective until God, in his mercy, wonderfully delivered him from those things and has led him into a path of marriage. Now, your problem may be something deeper than that, something you say, I just couldn't share with a soul.

62:23 In other incidents, I think of where someone years before, when he was a little boy, some indiscreet parents left a bedroom door open, and he saw things that scarred his young heart. This is why he avoided marriage, because he said, if that's what marriage means, I can't. And it's been his fear, rooted in something in the back, maybe you, maybe that's you. Well, you need to start facing that thing.

62:44 You think God wants you to go through life like that? God's able to heal. There's a healing power in the gospel. And I thank God that, again, I've seen this with my own eyes in my own domestic sphere.

62:57 My wife is the product of a home that broke up two times. She had deep fears about marriage, a deep revulsion to marriage. Some of her closest friends, it was talk of the town that there was infidelity. To her, marriage was nothing to be desired.

63:14 It was something that led to nothing but heartache and infidelity and divorcing and divorce courts and lawsuits and all of the rest. But how wonderfully God, in his therapeutic grace, has given a wholesome, biblical view of marriage. And in the process has made me sensitive to how these things can scar people and twist them and warp them. Until now, after 18 years, he's given us a relationship that I would covet for any married couple.

63:40 In every dimension, socially, aesthetically, mentally, spiritually, physically, gets richer with each passing year. And I'm not talking foolishness. I'm dead serious. And if the next 18 years God gives us are as precious as these, well, I don't know how I could hold it.

63:57 But it hasn't come automatically. But as there's been that willingness for total exposure, under the eye of God, it becomes a blessed relationship. Well, let's commit our thoughts to the Lord and then ask him to guide us as we enter into a period of discussion, shall we?