Common Failures: Abortive;Inconsistent; Uncontrolled Use

Introduction to the Series and Review of Previous Failures

0:02 Trinity Baptist Church on April 7th, 1991.

0:08 Now, for the sake of our visitors or visitor, I saw at least one man in the foyer, I believe, is visiting with us, and there may be others. And for your sake, primarily, let me take just a few minutes to give an explanation of precisely what we're dealing with in our adult class at present, and just where we are in our treatment of that subject. We've been considering together for 12 weeks some very crucial issues of family life under the title, How Not to Foul Up the Training of Our Children. And in dealing with this theme, we've established the necessity of attaining and maintaining a healthy spiritual and emotional climate in all of our family relationships. And in dealing with this theme, we've established the necessity of attaining and maintaining a healthy spiritual and emotional climate in all of our family relationships. And we've used again and again the analogy of the spiritual and emotional climate of our homes, either being that relatively pure air, or air that contains deadly amounts of radon or suspended particles of asbestos, the devastating effect of which are not seen immediately, but ultimately are indeed tragic.

1:31 And then, having established... And then, having established from the Word of God that this is indeed what God lays upon us, the maintenance of spiritual reality and transparency, of emotional warmth, closeness, acceptance, and goodwill, we then turn to the Scriptures and establish that in parental dealings with our children, God Himself is the great and only perfect example of perfect parenting.

2:02 And that there is biblical warrant to draw directives from God's parenting of His children, which are normative in our parenting of our children. And then, from the Scriptures, particularly Ephesians 6, 4, and Colossians 3, 23, we established that the great duty of parents is negatively not to exasperate or dispirit them, not to...

2:32 not to anger them unnecessarily, but rather to nurture them. And the two great means of that nurture are chastening and admonition, corporal or physical punishment or discipline, and verbal instruction, admonition, encouragement, etc. And now we have focused upon the first of those two great means, namely, the biblical doctrine of...

3:02 the corrective chastisement, and once again, we demonstrated from the Word of God the absolute necessity of physical chastisement in the nurture of our children. Secondly, the God-like character of physical chastisement, and thirdly, the divine ordained functions of physical chastisement in the nurture of our children. Now, we are giving our attention to the fourth major division of the subject, namely, the most common failures in conjunction with the physical chastisement of our children calculated to their nurture. And surely, if this is such a crucial means in the will and wisdom of God, we should not expect that a godly, balanced application of the rod will come easily. Since it is so crucial, our own flesh, the world and the devil will militate against a godly, righteous, spirit-filled administration of the rod of correction. And so we are taking up the most common failures in conjunction with physical chastisement. Last week, we had time only to address two of them.

4:25 The first, the non-use of the rod of correction, described in three different ways. Proverbs 13 and verse 13 refer to the child instead of the child himself. Proverbs 13.24, it is called sparing the rod Adonai, Proverbs 23.13, withholding correction, and Proverbs 29.15, leaving the child to himself. And in each of these cases, we looked at the text and then we saw the tragic causes and results of the non-use. on faster pace Benbenner, Benbenner of the robbed. And by way of review, let me simply give you one further quote from Charles Bridges, or I should say repeat one part of a quote that I gave you from his commentary on Proverbs 19 and verse 18. Chase in thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his much crying. Let not the rule, chase in, spare not, be a hard saying to us. Is not tenderness for the child a cover for the indulgence of weak and foolish affections?

5:45 There is much more mercy in what seems to be harshness than in false tenderness. Let the child see that we are resolved, that we will not be diverted from our duty by the cry of weakness or of passion. Far better that the child should cry under healthful correction than that the parent should afterward cry under the bitter fruit to themselves and their children of neglected discipline. The non-use of the rod is perhaps its greatest and most tragic and irreversible.

6:27 Then we concluded by considering a second major failure in conjunction with the use of the rod, what I call the delayed use of the rod of correction. That is, failing to bring it into play in the nurture of the children soon enough in the child's development. And this is the emphasis of Proverbs 19, 18. Chase in thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his much crying.

6:58 There is a period when there is hope that the perverse will can be conquered and directed and perverse inclinations and desires and habits and patterns can be checked and restrained in common grace or even in the prevenient grace of God leading to a work of saving grace in the heart of the child. And the delayed use of the rod is perhaps its greatest and most tragic and irreversible failure. The delayed use of the rod is not only pervasive in the world where it is used to some degree. I read yesterday in a manual of some 500 plus pages put together by so-called 70 evangelical experts on the training of children, and one had the nerve, the gall to say spanking should never be employed before the child is two years of age. Of course, he had no scripture to support that. He had no scripture to support that. He had no scripture to support that.

7:58 In fact, the text in Proverbs in none of the articles dealing with the discipline of children were expounded and applied. One of them was quoted obliquely and then bled of its obvious meaning. And these are evangelical experts. And what a crying shame when by the delayed use of the rod there is grief and pain brought to the hearts of parents. I quote, an old Puritan. This was preached, this sermon, back in the mid-1660s. And in the Puritan sermons in volume number two, I believe it is, volume one, there was a sermon by a Samuel Lee. The title of it was, What Means Be Me Used Toward the Conversion of Our Blood Relatives? And then with respect to

8:55 the conversion of our children, he gives this sermon. He says, This counsel, set a narrow guard upon the first sproutings of sin in their manner of life. Crush vipers in the egg. Exercise your hazel rods upon the serpent's heads when they first creep out of their holes, being chill and feeble in the beginning of the spring. Now, he's not calling your kids snakes and hit them on the head. This is extended imagery. This is imaginative, figurative language. As you would kill a snake early in the spring when he first crawls out of his hole before he develops the strength of midsummer, when he's first breaking out of his shell, that's the time, he says, to crush the viper. You must set about this work early. Check

9:46 every evil and unsavory word at the first hearing. Watch the beginnings, the first bubblings of corruption in them. A man may pull off a snake, but he must set about this work early. Watch the beginnings, the first bubblings of corruption in them. A man may pull off a tender bud with ease, but if he let it grow to a branch, it will cost him some pains to remove it. It is observed by naturalists that a common bringing forth nothing but fern may be made very good ground if, when the weed comes up tender and green, it be often cut down, you will three or four times discourage the root and make it die away. Then he goes on, and this is so typical of him. He says, It is strange to see what excuses and palliations for sin, what collusions in speech little children

10:40 will use. Before thou canst teach them to speak plain English, the devil and a corrupt heart will teach them to speak plain lies. While their tongues do yet falter much in pronunciation, they will falter more in double speaking. What great need is there, then, to put a curb and a bridle upon thy child's tongue as well as thine own? If thou suffer a child to go on in sin unregarded, untaught, unchid, that is, without chiding, and think it is too little to mind at first, that sinful folly will be thy scourge in the end. Listen to this. Listen to this next statement. God many times whips an aged parent by that child which was unwicked at first. And then he cites

11:41 both David and Eli as tragic examples. Eli, who could administer all the affairs of the official worship of God in the tabernacle, but he restrained not his own sons. And David, who could administer battalions on a battlefield and a whole nation. But when he came to his own son, Adonijah, he said not a word to restrain his usurpation of his own throne. Dear people, if the word of God sets forth men of the stature of Eli and David as a warning. God have mercy on us. If we adopt the world's philosophy that is committed to any use of the law, if to any use of the law, to any use of the law, we are complying to God and God's law. So if we adopt the world's philosophy that is committed to any use of the law, if to any use of the law, if to any use of the law.

The Abortive, Ineffectual, or Half-Hearted Use of the Rod

12:29 God at all, to a very delayed use, whereas God says in Proverbs 13, 24, that we are to chasten them betimes, that is, early or, as many translated diligently. Now, so much for that review, particularly for those who have not been among us, that you might put everything into the picture of the whole body of instruction. This morning, I hope to cover three more common abuses and failures in the use of the rod, from the non-use of the rod of correction, the delayed use of the rod of correction. We now consider, and if I had to choose one of these terms, I would choose the first, but as I ransacked the dictionary and my synonym finder and went down and consulted with my wife, I ended up including about four words, and you choose the one that says, says the thing most clearly to you. I've called it the aborted use of the rod, but you may want to put the abortive, ineffectual, incomplete, or half-hearted use of the rod. Now, whichever word strikes the most in your mind, you choose that one. If we grasp this common abuse, we must have some understanding of what we're actually seeking to bring about.

13:56 In our use of the rod of correction, particularly when the child does begin to develop verbal skills and understands verbal communication. I've already stated that I believe the teaching of scripture is that corrective punishment can be justly, righteously, wisely applied long before verbal skills are developed. When the little child begins to reach out in natural curiosity, he must learn, that he does not have an unqualified right to touch anything his curiosity moves him to touch. You can't live in a world in which you think that.

14:36 And you start teaching that child very early. Some things you remove, other things you should not remove. He must learn he doesn't have a right to touch everything that his motor and psychological development moves him to touch. And some of the first correction will be a sharp slap.

14:56 And he learns that certain things he is not to touch. Now, he may be so perverse as to take his little rubber dolly and looking you straight in the eye, reach out and not touch it with his hand, but with his little rubber dolly. Long before he can say, dad, I am keeping the letter of the law. I'm not touching it with my hand, but I'll break the spirit of it right under your nose.

15:25 And long before my son could say that, he did that. With an object that was a forbidden object, he took a little rubber dolly and looking us straight at the eye, reached out to touch it. Did I smile and say, oh, kids will be kids? I'm just a little kid, just take it.

15:44 No, no, no. That was his will in conflict with my will. In a matter that was reasonable and essential to his development. And the issue had to be engaged.

15:59 But now the thing I'm talking about here generally applies when the verbal skills begin to be manifested. And what are we seeking to do when there is an issue that calls for the righteous application of the rod? Well, as I understand the teaching of scripture, I'm prepared to state, and I'm not alone in this. I find it pervasive in bridges.

16:22 I find it in the old Puritan writers who are commenting upon these very passages that we've looked at in depth. It seems to me that there are at least three things we're attempting to accomplish when we bring the rod of correction upon our children. Number one, we're seeking to bring about repentance for the wrong done. Jesus said, as many as I love, I rebuke and I chasten, be zealous therefore and repent.

16:55 We are seeking to bring about repentance for the wrong done. That is the acknowledgement of that wrong, seeking forgiveness from God and from us and any others who were involved and the change of mind with respect to that act. What was done with impunity is now looked upon with grief and sorrow and resolution not to do it again. Secondly.

17:25 We are seeking to bring the child's will to a sweet compliance. To our parental will. We are seeking to bring the child's will into sweet compliance with our parental will. In this given point of controversy, the child is not only punished to bring him to repentance for what he has done, but we are now seeking to secure the sweet compliance of his will to our will in the matter.

17:59 That's what God's chastisement does. I go back again to scripture. Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I observe thy precepts. And you find that again in Hebrews chapter 11.

18:17 We had the fathers of our flesh who chastened us and we gave them reverence. And part of that reverence was compliance with their will, shall we not much more be in subjection to the Lord? That's what God's chastisement does. To the Father of spirits and live.

18:34 He chastens us to bring our wills into sweet compliance with his will. Then thirdly, and many parents miss this, we are seeking to impart an aversion to future punishment for similar acts of disobedience. We're seeking to impart a principle of aversion. We want to make it work their while.

19:00 Not to do the same. Not to do the same thing again. And that's what God's chastisement has as one of its strands. He says, if we would judge ourselves, we'll not be judged of the Lord, but when we are judged of the Lord, we are chastened that we might not be punished with the world.

19:20 And all of God's threats have teeth in them as a means of avoiding the thing threatened. And therefore, in our use of the rod. If it does not accomplish these things. Now, I'm not saying you've got to sit down and think it through, point one, point two, point three.

19:39 These things need to become second nature. When is enough enough in any given application of the rod? Well, I'm saying that one of the great failures in the use of the rod is its abortive use. It stops short of bringing to birth these three things in the psyche of the child.

20:00 True repentance. Sweet compliance with parental will and an aversion to a repeat performance. And when the discipline stops short of producing those things, or at least a very clever reproduction of them in the child, out of calculated hypocrisy that only God can see and we simply as limited human beings can't see, to stop short of that is to use the rod in an abortive sense, in an ineptive sense. In an ineptive sense.

20:32 In an ineptive sense. In an effectual, incomplete, or half-hearted way.

20:39 The rod has not done its work until its use has brought about these results. Now, some chastise with such a weak and painless use of the rod as actually to make the child laugh. I've seen kids get a little tweak on their behinds and laugh.

21:00 That's an abortive use of the rod. It turns the rod into a charade. Others, and I've seen this so often, apply the rod just enough to make the child sullen and set his jaw. Others apply the rod until the kid screams and hollers far beyond the pain inflicted and then the parent stops.

21:23 The child lies by the measure of his hollering. And the parents believe the lie and stop the spanking. The will is not broken. There's no repentance.

21:34 That's an abortive use of the rod. To use it on. Only enough to provoke deceptive intensity of cries of pain. Others, they bring the rod down just enough to make the child mumble through his mouth, I'm sorry, and set his jaw with a petulant look to go off and do grudgingly what he was supposed to do.

21:59 There's no keeping with it until, in the language of my mother, give him some more, Dad. He's not sweet yet. Give him some more, Dad. He's not sweet yet.

22:09 He's not sweet yet. We were not permitted to respond to a spanking with a pout or a set lip until the repentance was manifested in the countenance and in the overall disposition, which is normally as we'll take up next week when we deal with the isolated use of the rod. It's surrounded by a context of the reaffirmation of mutual love between child and parent when administered properly, but oh, how much abortive use of the rod. This is why Solomon says in Proverbs 13, 24, he that spareth his rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chastens him diligently. Some of you parents, you know what text you need to have some of our ladies who do lovely calligraphy. I don't know of any of our men. Now, if there's some men we'd like to know, but there's some of our ladies who do beautiful calligraphy.

23:09 Well, on your spanking stick or spoon, and I'll pay for it if you ain't got the money to pay for it. You ought to have somebody put in nice permanent ink, in beautiful calligraphy, whatever thy hand finds to do, do with all thy might as unto the Lord. Yes, that's right. If the hand is holding the rod of correction, motivated as we shall see by proper motives and under spirit-controlled passions.

23:41 Amen. You are to be as zealous in seeing the rod do its full work as I hope you are zealous to give yourself wholly to the worship of God today. Hear the words of Bridges again with regard to this matter of the diligent use of the rod. One decided struggle and victory in very early life under God may do everything for us to do it.

24:07 If you don't have any time to wait, then God only knows your prayers. He is your guide. God is willing to do it. God is willing to do it.

24:11 Much better than what you've done yourself. God may do much towards settling the point at once and to the end. On the other hand, sharp chastening may fail later to accomplish what a slight rebuke in the early course might have wrought.

24:31 Sin, winked at in its beginnings, hardens into all the strength of deep-rooted corruptions. Some people wonder why when their kids are teens and they attempt to spank them, and they talk back and fight and push them off. That's what you were tolerating with that sullen look and the stretched-out lower lip when the kid was 18 months. You did not spank through until the lip was brought back in, and the face and countenance said, Mom, Dad, your will in this matter is reasonable, and I must, I shall do it, sweetly.

25:11 And many a problem. With a recalcitrant, disrespectful, sullen teenager started with that lower lip when you had an abortive encounter with the rod in your child.

25:31 You see the issue, parents.

25:34 May God have mercy on you to pray that you will be spared the horrible fruits of abortive or incomplete or half-hearted ineffectual application. Of the rod. You must spank them until there are signs of sorrow for the wrong done. You must spank until the will is pliable.

The Inconsistent Use of the Rod: Among Administrators

26:00 You must spank with sufficient firmness to make it worth their while not to do it again, at least in the near future while the memory of the previous spanking is still with them. All right? Then the fourth common failure in corrective discipline is what I am calling the incorrectness. Inconsistent use of the rod of correction.

26:23 We're moving now from non-use, delayed use, abortive use, to the inconsistent use of the rod of correction. To be inconsistent is to have no reasonably predictable pattern of behavior in a given area. Now that's a fairly workable definition. If I ask you, are you consistent or inconsistent in family worship?

26:47 I'm not asking you. That every single day, 365 days a year, no matter what happens, if we were in the middle of an earthquake, your house was burning down, you have your family. No. When I say, are you consistent or inconsistent, what am I asking?

27:02 I'm asking, do you have a reasonable and predictable pattern of family worship?

27:09 If something comes up to your kids, say, hey, daddy, how come we're not having family worship tonight? Is it so much a part of the life of your household that if for some good reason it must be suspended, or bypassed, everyone's conscious, we're out of sync? So I'm not speaking of perfection, but I'm speaking of a reasonably predictable pattern of behavior in a given area. Now, a common failure in the use of the rod is an inconsistent use of the rod.

27:38 That is, there is no reasonable and predictable pattern for its use. And that inconsistency breaks down into two categories. So we're dealing with number four. Inconsistent use of the rod.

27:53 And we have two categories where this inconsistency comes to light. Inconsistency among the administrators of the discipline. And then B, inconsistency with respect to the issues precipitating the discipline. First of all, inconsistency among the administrators of the discipline.

28:15 Generally, the administrators are father and mother. Father and mother by meet mutually previously discussed principles applying the word of God have committed themselves to a pattern of discipline. Certain behavior patterns, certain action, certain reactions will be met with the rod of correction. Mom and dad thrash this out together with the Word of God And, In seeking the wisdom of God, they then communicate clearly those expectations and the results of not fulfilling those expectations to the children. And then, when dad is off to work from 7.30 to 5,

29:09 he should have every reason to expect that those standards are being implemented by his wife. Not perfectly, but consistently, with a reasonably predictable pattern that is reflective of what they have hammered out as the one rule in that house.

29:36 And then when dad comes home, there's no fundamental difference. Dad's voice may get the attention a little quicker because God made the vocal cords thicker. Okay. And that's one of the reasons he made him the head.

29:50 So he gave him both a physiology and he gave him voice capacity that generally carries more weight and strength than mom's. And so dad's voice and dad's frown may get a response a bit quicker than mom's. But it's only a matter of time. If in the given area you violate the known rules, you can expect mom is not the softy and dad the hard-hearted, heavy-handed, discerning, disciplinarian.

30:18 No. Mom and dad are one in how they treat me if I go to empty the garbage like this.

30:33 It's not that dad sees it and says, Son, come here. You've got a bad attitude. Get that look off your face. Get your hands out of your pockets.

30:44 Get your chin up. Get your shoulders back. And you go empty that garbage with a smile or we're going up in the bedroom and you're going to have, that face and that stooped shoulders and that downcast look spanked out of you. Do you understand me?

30:58 Yes, dad. Wonderful job. Get that garbage. Wonderful job.

31:04 Yeah.

31:06 But if mom says, Son, will you take your bike and go down to the store and get such and such? I should have gotten it in my shopping list. I forgot. Well, yeah, I wanted to play ball, but I'll go.

31:19 And mom does nothing. God have mercy on that. Child, there's a double standard and it creates moral confusion. It creates psychological and emotional insecurity, and it teaches a horrible part of family life.

31:39 And yet some of you are doing just that.

31:42 Some of you wives deliberately live in your homes with visual blinders on. Rather than praying for good peripheral vision, you know, if you have a blind eye, if you have a habit, it would greatly intensify the burden of disciplining your little ones and you're just too lazy and you can't be bothered. And you're leaving the child to himself until dad comes home. And sometimes it's the other way around.

32:11 Dad just can't be bothered. Dad is so concerned when he gets home to read the sports page and to do this and to do that, that he does not pick up on the sullen face, on the look when you come to the table, and there's a food that one of the children doesn't like. And they, I thank God I was reared in a home where if you looked at anything prepared like that, you were pounced upon like a cat on a mouse.

32:40 Son, you get that look off your face. Your mother's not a short order cook. This is what God's provided. When you're old enough to earn money and go to a restaurant and pick out your food, fine.

32:52 But under this roof, you come to the table with a pleasant look on your face with thankfulness for what God has given and what your mother has provided.

33:03 And if that look didn't go, it was up in the bathroom and on the behind. I'm terribly warped because of it.

33:11 I'm full of nervousness.

33:20 Well, excuse the sarcastic humor, but that's what it deserves. If you have it a place for it, it's attacking that nonsense.

33:29 I have to counsel with some of you who can't correct your wives. Why? Because they were never taught to take gracious correction as children. I talk more to wives who can't correct their husbands.

33:42 Why? Because you had never had your will conquered and your pout and your moods conquered when you were a little boy. And now some poor woman's got to spend the rest of her life living with you. You want to turn that loose for somebody else?

33:56 They go through the kind of hell some of you have gone to, to even attain a reasonable degree of harmony in your marriage?

34:04 Then get on your kids' looks and their attitudes and their dispositions and make sure that there is consistency.

The Inconsistent Use of the Rod: Regarding Precipitating Issues and Grandparents' Role

34:14 God, God is consistent. He says in Psalm 89, 31 and 32, Psalm 39, 81 and 82, one of these great passages on discipline, If they break my statutes and keep my commandments, if I'm in the mood, I'll visit their transgression with the rod. No, God says, If they do this, then I will do this. If they break my statutes, then will I visit their transgressions with the rod, and their iniquity with stripes, but my loving kindness will I not utterly take from him.

34:51 If, then,

34:55 remember Bridges' warning to you mothers that I read last week, and I want to say a word to us grandparents, because I am one of them.

35:05 I don't know how many times since I've become a grandparent I've had people say to me, Isn't it great to be a grandparent? You can spoil your kids. Ha ha, spoil your grandkids. I won't smile or laugh when people say that to me.

35:17 I won't grin.

35:21 Fools make a mock at sin. And grandparents that undermine parental discipline by a different standard are guilty of sin. I won't laugh at it. When someone says that to me, I look them straight in the eye and say, I'm sorry, I can't smile at your little joke.

35:42 My kids are committed to a standard of discipline, and we share it with them. And by their permission, when the kids are under our influence, we implement it,

35:56 that there's no inconsistency.

36:00 Now, I couldn't take that right to myself without their conferring it upon me. But I thank God they've conferred that upon me,

36:09 and I'm not at all reluctant to infuse that influence where necessary. Oh, dear people, the harm that comes from the inconsistent use of the rod in terms of the administrators of the discipline, but then there's inconsistency, may be in the issue, in the issues which precipitate discipline. If the standards are righteous, explain them to the children. Explain the punishment that will come for noncompliance.

36:43 And then do not waffle on the issues. In an excellent series of tapes on this whole matter of the rearing of our children, I've listened to all six of them and to every word of them. Pastor McDiarmid brought these, these down in Moorestown this past fall, effective biblical parenthood. And I can heartily recommend this series as one of the most sound.

37:12 The exegesis is solid. The applications are practical. And while any other human production, we would not say I would jot across every T and dot every I exactly the same, our brother has proven himself a safe guide in this matter. And, uh, he tells the instance that he saw in a film on parenting where they were illustrating this matter of inconsistency in the issues precipitating discipline.

37:41 How a dad came home one day and running up the front walk, tripped over his son's bike and in anger, went in the house, found the kid and wailed the tar out of him and said, don't you ever leave your bike on the sidewalk again for your father to trip. I could break my neck and end up in the hospital, blah, blah, blah. Then he did his spleen and went and read his newspaper. Well, the next day at work, the same father got a raise and a promotion, and he's so anxious to run home and tell his family he's running up the walk.

38:09 The bike's in the same place. He trips, falls down. This time he gets up, brushes himself off, runs in the house, grabs his wife, hugs her, honey, got a raise, grabs all the kids, even the kid that left the bike there and said, isn't it wonderful? Dad's got a raise.

38:23 We can take a bigger vacation. Happy as a clam. No consistency. What kind of signal is he sending to the kid?

38:30 He's sending out a signal that the discipline, the discipline is precipitated not by the issues but by the mood of the administrator. No, God doesn't discipline that way by caprice, by whim. Inconsistency, a horrible, horrible misuse of the rod of correction. Again, you say, this sounds like work.

38:56 Yes, it is. But it's your noble and solemn task to nurture your children by the consistent use of the rod of correction. Now we come to the fifth, the third for today, of the common failures with regard to the rod of correction. And again, I beg your indulgence for sticking close to my notes, but I do want to get through these three and then, God willing, take up the final four next week.

The Uncontrolled, Unprincipled, or Capricious Use of the Rod

39:24 And it's what I'm calling the uncontrolled. And here I wrestled again, went through my dictionaries, my synonym finder, the uncontrolled, unprincipled or capricious use of the rod of correction. I like the word uncontrolled or unprincipled best. According to the scriptures, physical punishment is a means of training and nurture must always be controlled by at least three basic factors.

39:56 Number one, love must be its motive. He that loveth him, Proverbs 13, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 62, 63, 63, 64, 64, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 78, 79, 80, 91, 92, 92, 93, 93, 94, 94, 95,

41:25 95, 96, 96, 97, 97, 98, 99, 100, 100, 100, 100, 100, 200, 200, 100, 200, 100, 250, 250, 250, 200, 200, 200, 200, 200, 200, 300, 300, 250, 200, 250, 250, mercado 60 Result Macha 60 Results realities of your state will determine how I deal with you. Now, that's the principle. You got that?

42:13 Love must always be the motive that triggers discipline or that lies behind our discipline. An enlightened judgment must be its occasion, and hear me carefully, a controlled rational spirit must be its regulator and monitor. A controlled rational spirit must be its regulator and monitor. Listen to those texts in Proverbs about the man who doesn't control his own spirit.

42:47 Proverbs 14 and verse 29. He that is slow to anger is of great understanding, but he that is hasty of spirit exalts folly. And much folly has been committed. With the rod of a hasty-spirited man or woman.

43:07 Proverbs 16, 32. Better, he that is slow to anger is better than the mighty. You want to be greater than Schwarzkopf? Look at the last part of the verse.

43:20 He that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

43:24 The taking of Kuwait was a marvelous military operation, reflective of great wisdom in military and moral strength and courage. God says you want to be mightier than Schwarzkopf? Let your kid do the same thing that he did for the last three days, and do it in a high-handed way, and your spirit is provoked. And by the grace of God you control it.

43:49 You rule your spirit. God says you're mightier than he that takes a city.

43:54 Proverbs, one more text, 25, 28. Proverbs 25, 28. He whose spirit is without restraint. He whose spirit is without restraint.

44:09 Is like a city that is broken down and without walls. He whose spirit is without restraint. Is like a city that is broken down and without walls. Defenseless, useless, a prey to everything and everybody that would come upon it.

44:29 The fruit of the spirit, Galatians 5, 23, is self-controlled. So that in any act of the use of the rod, these three factors must be controlled. They must be present in those of us who administer the rod. Love for the child that seeks its well-being, whether in this instance the primary focus is punitive, retributive, whether it is didactic, whether it is preventive, whatever it may be, love must be its motive.

45:05 The seeking of the good of the child. An enlightened judgment. To be its occasion. I am rationally deciding that in this given instance, according to all the factors, some of which we will consider in some of the other abuses, we are determined in this instance that this is the only way I can obey God, is to administer the rod.

The Dangers of Uncontrolled Discipline and the Need for Parental Repentance

45:30 And as I do, a controlled, rational spirit regulates the manner, the measure, the duration, etc., of the application. of the rod. However, when the rod of correction is activated because of carnal anger on the part of a parent, that is wicked abuse of the child and the wicked profanation of the rod. The rod which God says is a means of grace is never a rod wielded in carnal anger. All the promises of God's blessing upon the rod are invalidated when it's an angry, unprincipled, irrational spirit that is behind the use of the rod. Some of you mothers, and I feel for you, when you have your little ones, remember, I'm second oldest in the family of ten. My education in the frustration and the demands of little ones is probably as thorough, if not more thorough, than anyone else in this place.

46:40 And that's long before wash and dry clothes, when my mother sprinkled all the clothes at night and rolled them up in a ball, and then she would iron them the next night, and there were no automatic washers and many of the other time-saving devices. And yet in the midst of all that, and a kid coming along every two years for 22 years, 11 children, 10 living, I think I have some sympathy because Because I was deeply involved with my younger siblings. That was expected of the older ones of us, that we help bear the burden of the household. And having raised three children to adulthood, and now having grandchildren, and having an intimate relationship with the children of this church, I don't think I'm theorizing, dear people. And I know it can be so frustrating when you feel all your emotional energy is gone, and then that kid does that thing that just...

47:40 God have mercy on you mothers, that pick up the rod not out of love and an enlightened judgment and in a controlled rational spirit, but to vent the frustration of the many demands made upon you.

47:55 That is not godly discipline.

47:58 Others of you pick up the rod when your basic resentments to your children surface. You say, people here in Trinity resent their children? I tell you, I didn't know whether to run through the house and dance with joy or fall on the floor and weep, and I did sort of a little. Or both.

48:15 When I received a letter from one of our mothers, who was home with a sick child a couple of weeks ago, and listening by tape to that lesson back some weeks ago, when I was dealing with this matter of the parents and their relationship to their children, and I talked about you have a fundamental resentment, your kid is not what you dreamed he or she would be. As a mother, you wanted a girl domestically inclined in all frills and daintiness, and lo and behold, she likes to go out in the woods, and pick over weeds, and pick up snakes, and keep mice, and you resented. She's not what you wanted. And this mother said God plowed her heart up, and showed her that that was the fundamental problem why she wasn't close to her own daughter.

49:03 Well, if you've got that framework, you'll be picking up the rod on all kinds of occasions when you ought not to be.

49:10 No, dear people, the uncontrolled, unprincipled, capricious use of the rod is an ungodly thing. And it invalidates the promises of God that attach the rod. Now, I'm not saying, I am not saying, that if on any occasion, and there will be alas, too many, given the struggles with remaining sin, if you have, out of frustration, disciplined a child, and rather than with enlightened judgment, you've just acted, as it were, on the spur of the moment, and your own spirit was not under control, I'm not saying you blow it forever, no. It's amazing how forgiving, children are.

49:50 And if you're conscious that you've ever disciplined with something other than love as its motive, and enlightened judgment as its occasion, and a controlled, rational spirit as its regulator and monitor, as soon as you're aware of it, you sit the child down, and say to him, Son, honey, daddy's sorry. You did something that deserves spanking, but daddy did something worse. I'm a grown Christian man, and I had the Holy Spirit dwelling, dwelling in me and the Word of God to guide me. And though you need to be disciplined, daddy disciplined you in anger.

50:27 Will you forgive daddy? Or daddy disciplined you with an uncontrolled spirit, and I gave you far more than that offense deserved. It was overkill. Will you forgive daddy?

50:39 What do you think your kids say? Well, I know what mine always said. Dad, I didn't think you sinned. I deserved it.

50:50 Well, what you think is one thing. Daddy knows he's sinned. Will you forgive me? And lest I romanticize about the fact, about these things, I asked my kids recently about these matters, and they told me they remember the times when they were sound asleep and I woke them up, because I couldn't go to bed with a good conscience, and they remember the times when I woke them up and asked them to forgive me that during the day I had disciplined them excessively, or I had disciplined them in something other than a controlled, rational spirit.

51:25 I never smacked my kids. I never beat my kids. But I'm talking about the disposition of the heart known to God and known to my own spirit. Before I could pillow my head at night, that matter had to be made right.

51:39 And where necessary, if it were done in the presence of the other members of the household, it's better to be confessed to them as well, because they are absorbing a whole theology, a whole practical theology of the principled or the capricious, uncontrolled use of the rod from the manner in which you administer it. Listen to wise old Richard Baxter. Do not correct your children in passion, but wait until they perceive that you are calmed. If you don't, they'll think your anger rather than your reason is the cause.

52:22 In other words, he's saying an enlightened judgment must be the occasion of the administration of discipline. Again. In the old Puritan sermons, and this is in volume two in a sermon by Richard Steele, he says there must be a rational consideration of the age, sex and disposition of the child, the nature and circumstances of the fault and what satisfaction is offered by the delinquent upon a genuine confession or possibly some interposition of another so that the offended parent may keep up his authority, be victorious in his chastisements and come off with honor and good hopes for the child's amendment. He says that it is the children's folly and not the passion of the parent which must engage them in this smarting exercise, wherein overmuch heat would be like an over hot medicine that will scald the throat of the patient rather than cure him. Parents should not take the rod to vent their own anger, but to subdue their children's sin, which a man may not suffer upon his neighbor without rebuke, lest he be guilty of hating him in his heart,

53:47 then certainly not upon his child, whom he's obliged not only to admonish verbally, but to chastise really. No new thing under the sun, is there? Preaching to Christians at six to seven o'clock in the morning in London, on the practical subject, what are the duties of parents to children? Mr. Steele says, we are to administer a principled use of the rod.

54:22 Now, dear people, do you see why the overall climate of the family is so crucial? Without that climate of warmth and closeness and love and goodwill, a righteous administration of the rod is impossible. The rod will send out all kinds of false signals if administered in a climate of coldness and distance and detachment and ill will. And do you see why Ephesians 5, 18 precedes Ephesians 6, 4?

Conclusion: The Crucial Role of a Spirit-Filled Climate

54:49 Be filled with the Spirit. Fathers, nurture them. We need Spirit-filled implementation of the rod of correction, or else we will be chronically guilty of one or more of these abuses. The non-use of the rod, the delayed use of the rod.

55:09 Thirdly, the, get my notes in front of me, the abortive use of the rod, the inconsistent use of the rod, or the uncontrolled and unprincipled or capricious use of the rod. God willing, next week we'll take up the isolated use, the excessive use, the legalistic use, and the prayerless use, and then we'll give a session over to questions and answers. I already told some of you last week, you had questions. I said, I think some of those will be answered this week.

55:44 I hope they have been. I'm sure you have questions. If they're not answered after dealing with these nine common abuses of the rod, then we'll give a session over to questions and answers, hopefully to address other matters relating to it. Well, let's pray.

56:00 Our time has gone. Our Father, we are so thankful that your word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our pathway in all things. And we pray that it may indeed instruct us so that we may administer a righteous, loving, godly, effective rod of correction with our children. We pray, Lord, you deliver your people from rationalizing failures that may have been exposed this morning, and deliver them from discouragement, that great tool of the devil that would keep us from the cross of Christ, and keep us from seeking grace from the Spirit of Christ. And, oh, Lord, we ask that more and more this mighty instrument for the nurture of our children will be implemented in the power of the Spirit and under the principles of the word in this place. We ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

57:09 You have been listening to How Not to Foul Up the Training of Your Children by Pastor Albert N. Martin. These cassettes are linked to the book, The Lord's Prayer, by Pastor Albert N. Martin.

57:16 They are distributed by the Trinity Book Service. If you would like a free listing of other audio cassettes and books, please call us at 1-800-722-3584. Or if you prefer, you can write us at the Trinity Book Service, Post Office Box 569, Montville, New Jersey 07045.