During the Session, Part 3

Three Cautions for the Ethics of Pastoral Counseling

0:03 now as you know brethren in our efforts to lay hold of a working biblical framework and pattern for pastoral counseling i've sought to give you a broad overview of this subject to focus then upon the presuppositional framework for pastoral counseling that is worthy of that name and then for some weeks we've been working through specific guidelines for pastoral counseling under four major subdivisions before the session or sessions during the session assessing progress and last week dismissal and today we come to consider together what i am calling the ethics of pastoral counseling and as we approach the subject there are three cautions that i would set before you as you see in your printed notes first of all the caution based on second timothy two and verse five in that text the apostle is writing to his spiritual son and co-laborer in the work of the gospel using several different analogies that of the soldier that of the athlete in verse five and of the farmer in verse six and in the athletic imagery he says if a man contend in the games

1:23 yet he is not crowned he doesn't win the prize except he has contended a lawfully. And we must never forget that while we are seeking to bring biblical norms to bear upon the needs and the problems of others, that we ourselves are under the authority of biblical norms for the substance and for the manner in which we do this work. It's not enough that we're doing the work, but in the language of this text we are doing it according to the rules. And then there is the caution based on Romans 3 and verse 8. The apostle said that one of the slanderous accusations made about his ministry was that we would do evil that good may come, and to that accusation he says, God forbid. And therefore in every facet of pastoral counseling we must never, never cross the line of doing that which is evil in hopes that some good may come from it. And then the third caution by way of introduction is the one based on Romans 14 and verse 16 where the apostle says, let not your good be evil spoken of. And in every facet then of pastoral

2:41 counseling we ought never to give unnecessary opportunity for our good to be evil spoken of. What we may do may be judged by any fair-minded person as morally good in itself, but we must never cross the line of doing that which is evil in hopes that some good may come from What we may do may be judged by any fair-minded person as morally good in itself, but we must never But if we do it in such a way or in such a context that it leaves itself unnecessarily vulnerable to being charged with evil, we are violating this principle. Now in all the previous material there's been an assumption of the fact that we who counsel must be sensitive to biblical norms. However, there are some peculiarly critical aspects of the ethics of pastoral counseling that I want to address this morning.

Ethics of Information Reception and Disclosure: How Much to Hear

3:26 And the first I gather under the major heading of the ethics of the reception and the disclosure of information. And here we have two major questions. How much should I hear and how much should I disclose and to whom? And then we address what I've called the miscellaneous guidelines. How much should I hear? And here I've listed what I'm calling the great and overarching purpose of the principle or the general axiom, seek for and listen to only as much information as is necessary for accurate diagnosis, comprehensive treatment, and realistic assessment of progress within the norms of righteousness. And here the texts that are critical are the ones I have listed. The great principle in the

4:26 passage is that sin should be discussed only as far as is necessary for righteousness to deal with it. If thy brother sin against you, go tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hear you not, take one or two more that at the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word may be established. Then and only then tell it to the church and even then. You don't broadcast it to society. So the principle of seeking for and listening to only as much information as is necessary for accurate diagnosis, comprehensive treatment, realistic assessment of progress within the biblical norms of righteousness is rooted in such text. You have Ephesians 5, 11 and 12 where the apostle is identifying some of the grosser sins of men. And what does he say with respect to them?

5:23 Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather even reprove them, for the things which are done by them in secret it is a shame even to speak of. Some things it's shameful to speak of them. It may not be untrue, but it's shameful and unnecessary. Again, 1 Timothy 5, 19, here is a principle of righteousness.

5:49 If in a counseling session someone begins to do that, that which would be making a formal charge against an elder, Timothy, as an apostolic representative, is forbidden to receive such a charge, unless at the front end of it there are two or three witnesses even to validate that charge against an elder. Receive not an accusation, except it be at the mouth of two or three witnesses. And then this string of text in Proverbs that again help to constitute the framework of righteousness, in this whole matter of how much information should be disclosed. Proverbs 15 and verse 2.

6:31 The tongue of the wise utters knowledge aright, but the mouth of fools pours out folly. And you may be in a counseling situation in the presence of someone who to some degree fits the category of a fool. And they're willing to pour out folly. And you must not allow that folly to be poured out.

6:52 In. Your. Ear. Chapter 15 and verse 28.

6:56 The heart of the righteous studies to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. And though this person may not be a wicked person in terms of their fundamental identity, it may be a righteous person overcome in an area of wickedness. And to the extent that they are, they will pour out evil things. And you must not allow your ears to be the receptacle of evil.

7:23 Chapter 16 and verse 28. A perverse man scatters abroad strife, and a whisperer separates chief friends. You may have situations where the person you are counseling is using the intimacy of pastoral counseling to manifest a perverse spirit that is seeking to sow strife and to separate chief friends. You must not tolerate it.

7:47 It is not righteous. Chapter 17 and verse 4. An evildoer. Gives heed to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a mischievous tongue.

7:57 Your character is revealed not only by what you say, but by what you listen to. Remember the quote from the Puritan in that series I recently brought? Some people have the devil in their mouth. Some have the devil in their ear.

8:09 And you don't want to have the devil in your ear in the pastoral counseling situation. It's perfectly possible. And you must recognize some of these biblical guidelines. And then, 1 Peter 4, 15.

8:21 Do not suffer as a meddler. Do not suffer in other men's matters. There are people who will seek to draw you into matters that are none of your business. And you may have a disposition that is naturally nosy.

8:35 I can think of one or two men that I've known in the ministry who were naturally nosy. And they had a constant tendency to ask questions about things that were none of their business.

8:46 So you must be sensitive, you see, to this whole question, How much should I hear? Seek for and listen to. Only as much information as is necessary for accurate diagnosis, comprehensive treatment, and realistic assessment of progress within biblical norms of righteousness. Now then, the question, letter B.

Ethics of Information Reception and Disclosure: How Much to Disclose and to Whom

9:08 How much should I disclose and to whom? Well, I've tried to give you five guidelines. Number one. Disclose as much as is necessary to fulfill your obligations to your fellow elders.

9:24 If God has blessed you with a fellow elder or several fellow elders, He has given you as a body of elders the task of shepherding the flock of God, of taking heed to those under your care. And you are like a team of doctors sharing a common file except in matters where righteousness demands individual confidentiality. And your people should understand that, as one of the sheep in the flock, to be engaged with one of the shepherds in the flock about specific concerns, it is understood that that becomes the deposit of the knowledge of the entire eldership. Otherwise, how can you as a body of elders fulfill the many directives, I've only listened to one of them, that in the multitude of counselors there is safety? If I go to a medical group, and the reason I commit myself to their medical care is that they have a problem, and they have a proven, competent staff of doctors, I'm paying and relating to that group as though the whole group is taking my physical condition under their care. But if one of those doctors acts as though he had a private practice, I'm being cheated, and he's being unethical. You see the medical analogy?

10:47 Now there are some instances where confidentiality with one elder is a matter of righteousness. And you must never, you must never be unrighteous in speaking to your fellow elders. But by and large, your people ought to know that to speak to you in an intimate pastoral counseling situation is to speak to all of the elders. So disclose as much as is necessary to fulfill your obligations to your fellow elders.

11:17 Secondly, disclose as much as is necessary to secure the best interest of the person involved. Any disclosure you make at any level to your fellow elders, or to anyone outside the eldership, never has as its goal to slander, to gossip. It has the well-being of the sheep in mind. Now, when the household of Chloe, that's why I cite that, when the household of Chloe informs Paul of divisions at Corinth, what is the motive?

11:51 To tattle? No. They need spiritual corrective. And they disclose, that information, it has been reported to me of the household of Chloe that there are divisions among you.

12:03 Not as a matter of gossip, but as a matter of righteousness that the apostle might address that abnormality. And there I've listed three texts in Philippians. And when I first went back over my notes, and I had these three texts together, I couldn't see the connection at first. And I said, I know I put them together for a purpose.

12:23 And the more I went over them, then I said, ah. I added to my notes the rationale, so if I ever teach this material again, I won't be puzzled with my own use of texts. Had I been using the computer, I would have thought it had spit out the wrong things. But my handwriting never spits out the wrong text, you see.

12:41 Philippians 4 and verse 2. That's a tongue-in-cheek assertion. Now, think of what it meant. You're sitting there with the assembly.

12:50 Your name is Iodia, and your name is Syntyche. And in this marvelous epistle, suddenly, you hear the words before the whole assembly, I exhort Iodia, and Iodia's ears perk up, and I exhort Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. Now, was the apostle out to rub in embarrassment, public shame? No, no.

13:16 He was disclosing what he felt was necessary in the best interest of Iodia and Syntyche. They were apparently such prominent women, and their tensions were such a common knowledge, the apostle judged that the best way to bring the thing to resolution was to mention their names publicly, and then he says, I beseech you also, true yoke fellow, help these women, for they labored with me in the gospel. Now, Paul wasn't out to embarrass them. He wasn't out to undermine their credibility, but he disclosed as much as he judged necessary to secure the best interest of the person involved.

13:57 Now, where did Paul get this information about Iodia and Syntyche? Well, most likely from the man alluded to in 4.18 and 2.27.

14:08 I have all things and abound, I am filled, having received from Epaphroditus the things that came from you, an odor of a sweet smell, a sacrifice, acceptable, well-pleasing to God. Well, what is the spirit of this man Epaphroditus? Was he a nitpicker, a gossiper? 2.27 says, no, he was a noble Christian worker, for he indeed was sick nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him, and not on him only, but on me also. Here is this man Epaphroditus. He's identified in verse 25 as brother, fellow worker, fellow soldier, and your messenger and minister to my need, a true man of God. He tattles about Iodia and Syntyche.

14:52 No, he doesn't tattle. He discloses as much as was necessary for their spiritual well-being. And Paul then discloses what is necessary for their well-being. And to do that does not mean you're mean-spirited.

15:08 And you must before God make sure that your concern is the best interest of the person involved. Third principle on how much should I disclose and to whom? Disclose as much as is necessary to maintain the purity of the church. And here I've put the whole chapter, 1 Corinthians 5.

15:27 If you weren't present for my exposition of it a few weeks ago, I commend it, not because it was particularly profound, but I think God helped me to break down the vital elements in that chapter. And if in pastoral counseling there is uncovered sin that is scandalous, that needs to be immediately taken, not in the steps of Matthew 18, but immediately taken clear to open discipline, you've got to be prepared to disclose as much as is necessary to maintain the purity of the church. This may be leaven that needs to be cut out by public discipline. And you are not a snitcher if you take the proper steps to disclose it in a more public forum.

16:10 Then fourthly, disclose as much as is necessary to fulfill your obligations to society. And here I list Romans 13.3 and following, the whole doctrine of the divine ordination of the civil government to punish evil. And if someone has committed sins that come under statutory law, under the principles of Caesar's sword, you may have an obligation to disclose that.

16:39 Someone has been a pedophile, is a prayer upon children, you may have an obligation to hand them over to the law. I've recently had to counsel two pastors struggling with this. And as we worked through the scriptures, they saw they had an obligation. That these people be dealt with by Caesar's sword.

16:58 And they are being dealt with. Fifth, if none of these things demand disclosure, keep it to yourself or one other office bearer. If none of the foregoing principles demand disclosure, then keep it to yourself or one other office bearer. And I say that for this simple reason.

17:17 You don't know what a day may bring forth. And if it is a critical concern that whoever the other office bearer, he may just have a deacon or two, may not even have a fellow elder. If it's the kind of thing that if it escalated to something that could be shameful, you don't want to leave yourself vulnerable to the charge that you were in complicity with this person to cover the sin. If you dropped off dead tomorrow, you'd want someone on board in leadership who was aware of it and could seek to pick up securing some ongoing ministry.

17:49 So that's a general principle that I found helpful over the years. If none of these other things demand disclosure, keep it to yourself or one other office bearer. Now we come to miscellaneous guidelines. Guidelines for disclosures to your wife.

Guidelines for Disclosures to Your Wife

18:06 And then the second category will be guidelines for disclosures in preaching. That is disclosures of specific pastoral counseling information. Now with regard to this matter with your wife, I've given you four principles. Number one, be realistic about your own temperament, emotional needs, and vulnerability.

18:30 And we come back to one of our favorite texts in this course. I say to every man that is among you, Romans 12, 3, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to judge soberly. And you need to soberly assess as you enter in and get a realistic feel for who you are in the harness. And you may be something in some fundamental areas that will surprise you.

18:55 And you can't know them until you're in the harness. You'll know things about your own temperament, your own emotional needs and vulnerability. You may be one who will have to move toward a relationship in which unless righteousness forbids it, your wife becomes aware of almost everything that you are working through in pastoral matters, including pastoral counseling. On the other hand, you may be one that there is no need for that, and there is no necessity laid upon you.

19:26 And I find it impossible to extract from my Bible absolute rules in this matter. It'd be simple, but it varies. The present crisis that we're going through has determined how and what I relate to my wife. And it's never static.

19:46 It's dynamic. And that brings us to the second guideline, be realistic about your wife's temperament and her specific needs. You are never called upon to do anything as a minister and as an elder that negates the pressure of 1 Peter 3, 7. Husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor unto them as the weaker vessel.

20:10 God will never demand of you in ministry anything that warrants negation of that commandment. You've got to dwell with her with all the additional pressures of the ministry, including the details of pastoral counseling. Dwell with her according to knowledge. She may be fragile.

20:30 She may not be able to handle some of the sordid things you have to wade through. Then don't lay them on her. Dwell with her according to knowledge. Be realistic about your wife's temperament and her specific needs.

20:44 And then thirdly, be sensitive to your wife's previous track record in specific things related to this question. Track your wife as you enter into real ministerial and counseling situations. Track her response to the measure of the things you do disclose to her. See what her general patterns of emotional strength are.

21:05 See what those patterns are in relationship to her own hormonal cycles. And when she enters into that period of life when the moon doesn't come up every 28 days, she may go freaky bananas during the change. She may enter into the menopause, the menopause like a duck to water. We've had a standing joke among our elders just working through this as our wives have come through that stage where it has ceased to be with them after the manner of women.

21:33 And we've had to respond to that in the dynamics of the interaction with our wives, particularly in things that grow out of pastoral counseling. So be sensitive to her previous track record, her general emotional strength, her proven ability to keep confidences. It may be one of the weaknesses of your wife's character. It's not that she's vicious and wicked and a gossip.

21:57 It's just not one of her strengths to keep her mouth shut. I've been able to say of my wife, when I give her information, she is as tight-lipped as a corpse. Now you can't get much more tight-lipped than that. So in the light of that, I never fear that anything's going to leak out.

22:16 But it's a proven ability to keep confidences. And I've listed these pivotal texts in Proverbs for you. Proverbs 25 and verse 19. None of them is unfamiliar to you.

22:27 We've quoted them in other passages. Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth and a foot out of joint. You've got that nice stake in front of you. You go to bite down on it, and it breaks off halfway across.

22:40 But you're going to run a foot race, and all of a sudden, your ankle's out of joint. I mean, the imagery is graphic. Well, if your wife has not proven faithful, brother, don't disclose to her something which, if it leaks out, will absolutely cut the throat of your credibility and destroy your trust. We go back to those chords.

22:57 You want to be a man of earned trust? Don't have a wife that's got a leaky mouth. And it may not be one of her strengths. Proverbs 11 and verse 13.

23:07 Proverbs 11 and verse 13. He that goes about as a tale-bearer reveals secrets. But he that is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter. Make an honest assessment.

23:19 Is my wife a woman proven to be of a faithful spirit who can conceal a matter? And then Proverbs 25, verses 9 and 10. Debate your cause with your neighbor himself and disclose not the secret of another, lest he who hears it revile you, and your infamy turn not away. You let a church member legitimately be embarrassed because your wife disclosed the confidence and take you a long time to wear that down.

23:48 You may never wear it down. So you need real caution. And then another thing in being sensitive, her proven ability to play dumb. I marvel at my wife's ability to play dumb.

24:00 I've marveled at it over the years. Now she ain't dumb, but she can play dumb. And she can greet people that she knows in a counseling situation have greatly grieved and disappointed or insulted and all. And she meets them and she'll tell me, she'll say, honey, their reaction, I could see them almost expecting that I would avoid them or something else.

24:23 And she just plays dumb like she don't know nothing. And she knows just about everything. But she's got a proven ability to play dumb. And don't assume your wife does.

24:34 Look at her. Interact with her and see. And then the final counsel on disclosure to your wife, be honest with people while building your reputation in this area. And what do I mean by that?

24:47 I mean just this. When I'm getting to know new people in the church and they have an interest and had previous pastoral counseling situations, I will often say to them at the end of a session, say, now, we've not spoken of anything that I have said that I'm swearing strict confidence or you have asked. And my wife and I have a very close relationship. We like to pray together about concerns that have been shared with me.

25:15 My normal pattern is to share at least the broad strokes of my wife. Do you have any objection to my doing that? She has an earned reputation. She has a reputation for being tight-lipped.

25:27 And I don't think I've ever had anyone say, well, no, I don't want you to. But you're letting them know that you're disclosing that. So if in conversation with your wife she should say something to that individual that I'm praying with you about the matter you shared with my wife. You see, they don't feel emotionally raped.

25:46 To put it bluntly, they don't feel that they've been violated in that area. So be honest with people about your reputation in this area. And you've got to start somewhere. So that's why I said you've got to build.

Guidelines for Disclosures in Preaching

25:58 But you've got to start with that openness with your people. Now then, we come to guidelines for disclosures in preaching. Now there are some who say that you should never in public ministry ever allude to anything that grows out of your pastoral counseling. I say prove that from the Bible.

26:15 That's saying a shepherd should not give guidance to the sheep based upon what he knows the sheep's needs are. I don't buy that at all. But there are several key texts that need to stand as sentinels over you. And here are the texts.

26:32 Matthew 7, 12. As you would that others do unto you even so do unto them for this is the law and the prophets. The summary of the ethical demands of all of the revelatory data of Old Testament inscripturated revelation is as you would that others do unto you even so do ye also unto them. And then Romans 13, 10.

26:58 Love works no ill to his neighbor therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. Now, how do we apply those sentinels in particulars? Well, I've given you three particulars. As a general rule, seek permission beforehand from the person involved.

27:17 You're preparing your sermon, alright? It's Friday night, you've worked on it and it's Friday, in my case. It's during the day on Saturday. And you say, man, that incident that came up from that counseling session would really illustrate this.

27:31 You call the person up and you say, John, in broad strokes, I'd like to make reference to some of the things that come out. This is how I plan to say it. No one would ever identify. You got any problems with that?

27:41 How long does it take to do that? I found sometimes it takes less than two to three minutes. And the person said, no, if God can use my experience to help others, go right ahead. Now, the person sits there and there's no knee-jerk reaction.

27:55 And you've proven that you're sensitive and that you're respecting that confidentiality and you're not unilaterally violating it. Alright? So, as a general rule, seek permission beforehand from the person involved. Simple little application of Matthew 7, 12.

28:10 As you would that others do to you, you do to them. As much as possible, use generic rather than specific terms describing the situation. Now, what I mean by that, and here I'm going to go more closely to my manuscript because I've actually described the scenario. You've got a situation where you could say, now, in a counseling session last week with one of the young men in our church who was away on a business trip, I happened to ask him how he was doing in his struggle with pornography.

28:46 Well, you've got a church of 25 people. There's only three men that go away on business trips. And people are sitting there saying, well, it's either John, Harry, or Pete in Mosul. I didn't see him at all.

28:56 Now, what you say is, some time ago, in a counseling situation with one of the brothers, I was able to address, some time ago, a day, two, two weeks ago, one of the brothers. Well, there's 13 of us in member. You see what you've done? You're accomplishing.

29:13 Now you get down to the specifics. One of the brothers who is struggling with pornography. And when I met with him, I asked him such and such. And do you know what his response was?

29:23 Well, people then are not sitting, well, and maybe they're focusing on the very thing that you're trying to accomplish in the use of that incident, mainly to help them. Not to play mental games with it. Who done it? You see?

29:37 So, describe the circumstances and the person in the broadest strokes possible. Time-wise, age-wise, circumstance-wise. Now, that may take a little ingenuity and forethought. But love works no ill to his neighbor.

29:55 Therefore, love is the fulfilling of the law. Let not your good be evil spoken of, as you would that others do unto you. Even so, do ye also unto them. For this is the law and the prophets.

30:10 So, I would urge you in that type of situation to be sensitive to those principles. And then, my third guideline is, if in doubt, don't. And the key text is Romans 14, 23. Whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

30:29 If you cannot in faith, believing, you're not violating Matthew 7, 12. You're not violating the injunction, let not your good be evil spoken of. Shall we do evil that good may come? If there's doubt, don't.

Ethics of Personal Appearance in Counseling

30:44 Just trust that the exposition and the application will serve the day without illustrating it from a specific incident in your own pastoral life. Your own pastoral experience. All right, now we come to Roman numeral two from disclosure to the ethics of personal appearance and conduct. First of all then, personal appearance.

31:08 And I have been bold enough to make the assertion that dress and appearance are not ethically neutral matters. They say something about ourselves and our attitude to others. Now, you know this from general revelation. Now, I don't know why I came in here to lecture to you like this.

31:26 I fly open and my shoes untied. I'm telling you something about myself and I'm telling you what I think of you. You don't count enough to me for me to present myself in a way that makes you visually and psychologically comfortable with me. I'm insulting you and I'm showing myself to be, if not a knave, rather somewhat of a fool.

31:48 All right? So, am I back nice and properly then? All right. Okay.

31:55 All right. And we know this from the Scripture, 1 Timothy 2, 9 and 10, where Paul is given directions for the public gatherings of God's people. The first thing he addresses with the women is what they look like. The women likewise.

32:07 And then he addresses the specifics of dress and personal appearance. Peter does this in 1 Peter 3, 3 to 5 as he's underscoring what godliness looks like in a woman. He starts with the outside and moves to the inside. The adulterer who is the adornment of a meek and a quiet spirit is the inside.

32:28 He starts with the outside who is adorning, let it not be. So, dress and appearance are not ethically neutral matters. There came to him, Solomon says, the woman with the attire of a harlot. And the demoniac, the first thing that is said of him when the demon goes out of him, he was found what?

32:49 Clothed and in his right mind. Starts from the outside to the inside. So, don't let anyone buy in in this casual age that well, god is only concerned about what the outside looks like. No, he's more concerned with the inside.

33:04 He is more concerned with the inside. But often, the inside is reflected in the outside. And we're not disembodied spirits. So, in this matter of the ethics of your personal appearance, your dress is not a matter of indifference.

33:18 1 Corinthians 13, 5 Love does not behave itself against the scheme of things. It does not behave itself unseemly. Alright? So that in dress and appearance you must make a proper statement about yourself and about those to whom you're ministering.

33:35 And your dress and your appearance should be marked by that which speaks of the dignity of your office. What happens if you go to a mechanic in a garage to fix your car and he's out in the workshop dressed in a three-piece business suit? You want to know what happens when you send him to work on your car? I don't.

34:00 Any more than I want to go into a business office and find a guy dressed in the mechanic's work clothes. It doesn't fit. I want a mechanic that's dressed to do the work of a mechanic. Well, you are an under-shepherd representing the Great Shepherd, the Lord Jesus, receiving a sheep with some specific concerns.

34:22 Your dress should reflect the dignity of your office, something with the gravity of your office. You have to have a realistic understanding of your relationship to the one who is coming. There are times when I have deliberately not worn a tie because the person's previous relationship to me has been so professional that I wanted them in the counseling session to say there's another side to me. And I've shown it by wearing a neat dress a shirt but not a dress shirt because people have come for a counseling and they say Lord, how should I dress?

35:03 I make the statement I want to make to this person. Other people, I may have been sitting around dressed casually in my study all day but I said in this situation their perception of what I ought to be as such I dare not appear with anything less than my button-down oxford shirt and a tie and proper dress slacks. And you've got to gauge that for every individual. There's no one size may fit all in certain socks but it doesn't in this area.

35:33 And then let your dress and appearance reflect thoughtful preparation for that session. Don't come to the door if the appointment is at two o'clock and you show up after they've rung the doorbell twenty times and you just finish and blow dry your hair and you're coming there all disheveled and no that says to the people you weren't giving preparation for the session. That which is going to make it conducive to a fruitful time with this particular sheep. So much then about personal appearance.

Ethics of Personal Conduct in Counseling: Involvement and Emotional Control

36:09 What about personal conduct in the session? And here I have several words of counsel. Three to be exact. First of all be totally involved and make this involvement evident.

36:21 And I've given you these two texts. Colossians 3.23 speaking to slaves in the very mundane tasks laid upon them not so ever you do work heartily work from the soul be a sole worker as unto the Lord and not as unto men. And then Romans 12 and verse 11 this is a text that every person who has a tendency to be excessively laid back needs to constantly write on his spiritual eyeballs in diligence not slothful fervent in spirit boiling in spirit serving the Lord and then he is to be from the whole soul engagement in that which God has called you to do.

37:05 And once the heart and mind and emotions are engaged don't allow mannerisms that might give a contrary impression. Someone is spilling their guts and you're looking out the window glassy eyed. Now looking out the window glassy eyed may be a very appropriate expression for spilling their guts and looking at you. What does it say to them?

37:39 It sends out a terrible message. Don't allow mental distraction that will be registered in the eyeballs. This is where real counseling is very exhausting and you're engaged and the eye is the window of the soul and your soul is engaged and the people read it and all of a sudden they say something and you go off and it just makes you see why bother. So when I say in terms of personal conduct be totally involved and make this involvement evident don't sit there drumming your fingers.

38:14 If you've got a bad habit of drumming your fingers don't do it while someone is spilling their guts. What you're saying is this is boring me. If I drum my fingers that's a powerful message. I'm bored.

38:28 Let's get over this. So if you've got a bad habit one of our dear sheep who needed we felt needed perhaps the help of a professional psychiatrist needed not psychotherapy but medication second visit they said I'll never go back again paying this guy I forgot how much for an hour or half an hour and toward the last five minutes of the session he sits there opening his mail while they're spilling their guts and they told me Pastor Martin I'll never go again I said I don't blame you I'll never recommend him again. Now he may have been critical but he never made any explanation. What he was saying is your concern is not much to me but he sure asked for his check before the half hour was out.

39:13 In the eyes of this sheep he was an indifferent mercenary. I gave him a very high recommendation because he'd been a help to someone. He went with all kinds of emotional and mental prejudice in his favor but he blew it off. By what?

39:31 Nothing he said but by his physical actions in the counseling session. He said you have to get involved. You've got to pull yourself apart and make that involvement evident. Secondly, maintain what I've called positive principled control of your spirit and your emotions.

39:51 And here I've listed four texts. What do I mean by this? Proverbs 16 32. I've used the word spirit because Proverbs uses it.

40:01 Proverbs 16 and verse 32. He that is slow to and he that rules his spirit than he that takes a city you've got to rule your spirit doesn't say you've got to neuter your spirit a man with a neutered spirit is not fit to be a pastoral counselor if you can't feel and react emotionally I don't want to come to you and spill my guts but if you can't control your spirit I don't want to come either so you've got to rule your spirit in the language of Proverbs 25 28 he whose spirit is without restraint is like a city that is broken down without walls whatever the imagery is, is vulnerable a city broken down and without walls is vulnerable he whose spirit is without restraint is in that vulnerable position Romans 12 and verse 15 the New Testament emphasis what are we told to do as a matter of principled Christian empathy rejoice with them that rejoice weep with them that weep when someone in a counseling session has a spirit that is ebullient and joyful you need to engage with them when they're disclosing things that make them weep you need to seek to weep with them and our Lord is the great example of this we could have cited many texts

41:28 but here in Mark 3 and verse 5 and I cite this simply because and it may be that in seeking to correct an error I'm fostering an equal and opposite area I pray God I'm not but here we read of our blessed Lord and when he had looked round about on them with anger being grieved at the hardening of their heart he said stretch forth thy hand Mark describes the visible demonstrable indications of our Lord's passion of anger before he describes his actions or his words when he had looked round about on them with anger and as Warfield points out in his classic essay on the emotional life of our Lord the biblical writers never engage in psychological analysis they describe the emotions of our Lord only when the emotions registered in physiological demonstrable ways you saw the Lord with anger flashing in his eyes that was rooted in such grief of the heart that it then produced words and actions you see the Rogerian concept of the guy who can sit there lay back and grunt no matter what the person tells him shows no emotional engagement reflective of personal judgment that's the Rogerian model someone can sit there and tell you he beats his wife

42:56 and you go he can tell you that he's giving 90% of his income to the work of God and you go you show no judgmental no no God doesn't call you to that I'll never forget the time when a man sat in my room in my study and admitted that to demean his wife he'd go from a bed of sexual intimacy with his wife to go in and masturbate in the bathroom with the door open you think God expected me to sit there and respond with no emotional response I said that is the most disgusting thing a part of me wants to reach across this desk and I said I forgot what I said I was angry I was gritty and I showed it and I altered it on the other hand someone opens their heart and a deep wound and you literally pray God open up the tear ducts give me a natural godly response of being able to weep at what I've heard and there are times when the best ministry you can have is sitting with a couple and just holding their hands and weeping with them but you must be in control and this is what I mean by the words maintain positive principled control not neutering control not neutering of your emotions and of your spirit and then thirdly be judicious

Ethics of Personal Conduct in Counseling: Judicious Physical Contact

44:25 in any physical contact and I surprised you didn't I never touch a woman well then you indict my blessed Lord he touched women and women touched him holy harmless undefiled separate from sinners I can't make rules beyond the Bible but I can give you these guidelines 1 Corinthians 6.18 flee fornication flee fornication and whatever that verse means for you at every stage in your ministry obey it early in your ministry for you it may mean for you the general rule any woman under 98 I never touch her in the counseling session you get a little older maybe any woman under 90 ok for you for you but don't impose that upon others don't impose upon yourself for the entirety of your life at this stage in my life in ministry both publicly and privately I can touch far more flesh without the slightest crossing of that line in my own conscience and in the perception of others and there are many biblical injunctions that I would fail to fulfill if I didn't but thank God I've got 35 years of a reputation that goes before me when I put my arm on a sister and when I put my hand on the shoulder of another sister attractive young teenage girl I didn't do that

45:54 when I was your age but I can't make rules beyond the Bible but I can say you do whatever for you means flea fornication in all of its forms if you've had a past of promiscuity there may be such a connection between touching the flesh of a woman in any way other than your wife that sets up a chain of associations for you it's got to be hands off you're going to have to show your empathy and your love and concern in non-physical ways you're going to have to develop an awful lot of love and love and love an awful lot in your face and in your words where you can't stretch forth your hand if you've got to settle that what's it mean? 1 Corinthians 6 18 for you and Romans 14 16 let not your good be evil spoken of you know what happens when Pastor Carlson is counseling with a woman in that office don't you? down comes his little blind over that square I'm sure it's off right now he's counseling with a young woman let not your good be evil spoken of flee fornication watch and pray that you enter not into temptation but at the same time as long as I read in my Bible that our Lord allowed a woman to let her hair down and to wash his feet with her tears and to wipe them with her shoes as long as our Lord stands at a well with a woman midday going against all the accepted canons they marveled that he were talking to a woman the text says I can't go beyond my Bible

Ethics of Receiving Remuneration for Counseling

47:22 and so I shut you men up to the biblical principles and to the spirit of God and I trust a sanctified judgment that you'll not tempt God that you'll not let your good be evil spoken of but be judicious take into account your temperament your age your relationship to that sheep accurate self-knowledge all of these warnings and then you're going to have to wrestle with that before God and I can't give you ironclad rules and you can't find any if you're determined to be a lecher there ain't no rules that are going to keep you and if you're determined to be a lecher and you walk in purity then what some might call vulnerability will not be vulnerability for you so in that area I'm a libertine some would call me a libertine but I'm glued to my Bible in these things brethren and I have found it liberating over the years well enough said come now finally to the ethics of receiving special that's not supposed to be enumeration my proofing missed that I'll tell Ann that lest she be proud that she got through this without a correction that's supposed to be remuneration alright remuneration getting shekels for your counseling you can put in in parenthesis and I have just two general guidelines if you're ministering to one of the members of your own congregation 1st Timothy 5.17 should regulate your practice you've been set apart to labor in the word and in teaching

48:50 and you're receiving the double honor you're receiving remuneration for your labor to me it is unthinkable that someone is doing what he thinks to do and wants double pay for it I didn't find anywhere in my Bible time and a half or double time for pastoral counseling if it is what we've said it is simply a dimension of ministering the word circumstantially different but essentially in kind not different then you're already being compensated and that to me is the beginning middle and end of it secondly if you're counseling non-members and remember we gave some guidelines should you if so under what circumstances etc then it seems to me and here I put I be the one I believe I'm making a statement of my belief I'm not saying you should see the difference I said should regulate now I say I believe in one I'm pointing out what I believe your duty is the other I'm just telling you what my belief is and again one of the major allegations of one of our departing brethren notwithstanding we elders don't know the difference between authoritative counsel authoritative directive and counsel we need to be taught that difference shame on us shameful shameful we do understand the difference and we jealously guard that difference but 1 Corinthians 9.18 it seems to me is the principle that ought to regulate our thinking where the apostle says to these Corinthians what then is my reward

50:18 when I preach the gospel I make the gospel without charge so as not to use to the full my right in the gospel that surely if we're seeking to reflect a gospel of grace that announces a God who has come in grace in the person of his son and offers the gospel banquet without money and without price the framework in which we minister to that person ought to validate that gospel gratuity and if people are I've had some people and those instances are relatively rare where people not even professing Christians I've judged that it would be good to give them a counseling session they just felt they had to do something and I refused to take it and I said look if you want to go home and put a check made out to Trinity Baptist Church and have it go in the general fund because you feel that's between you and God but don't make it out to me I'll return it and they have done that well if God wants to move Cyrus to give his people goods fine if you help someone and it's a modern day Cyrus and they route a check for five million then well you know fine but you make it plain that as far as you're concerned you are ministering in the spirit of the gospel out of gospel motives and not to receive the gospel and not to receive any special remuneration from them and then under summary and conclusion brethren I just would put this capstone on all that I've tried to convey to you in these eight seven lectures on pastoral counseling remember

Summary and Conclusion: Counseling as Ministry of the Word

51:47 that it's under the rubric of the ministry of the word and therefore the Bible being your basic textbook the Holy Spirit being your efficient enabler and power does not change one bit from that which you bring into the orbit of your formal preaching of the word the dynamics are precisely the same the word and the spirit the spirit and the word bathed in a context and an atmosphere of prayerful dependence upon God and I hope if nothing else in this poor man's version of lectures on pastoral counseling that it's broken the mystique that surrounds so much of this when you view it in the area of a dimension of the ministry of the word then all that you've learned of those principles you carry over and adapt to the circumstantial peculiarities of the study and the counseling relationship but fundamentally it is a ministry of the word of God and if the spirit of God doesn't own it it's no more effective than your finest sermon preached without the spirit of God owning it to the conversion and the edification of the people of God but with the blessing of the spirit he can use some pretty crooked sticks and pretty quote inadequate means and make them effectual to the accomplishment of his purpose this will be one of the areas where you feel most of you most keenly your lack of experience in the beginning but you've got to start somewhere there comes a time

53:16 when the young doctor who's got his MD comes a time when he's got to take the scalpel and cut and watch the blood spurt and I'm sure the first few times there are all kinds of reservations but after a while the hand becomes skilled in wielding that scalpel so I would say I would encourage you don't be discouraged don't be fearful you'll make mistakes and blunders and when you come back to your people and tell them look I blundered in that I now see they'll just love you the more for your honesty and they'll see your progress and they'll thank God for it