In-laws and Finances

Introduction to In-laws and Finances in Marriage

0:00 Now, we come tonight to our third session, and having given to you some of the broad perspectives of the Word of God, and I trust practical counsel based upon the Word, in three areas we'll move tonight to the fourth and fifth areas. We've already considered together the role concepts, the precise nature of the responsibilities and functions of the husband and wife in the marriage relationship, adjustment in marriage Marriage, particularly in two directions, adjustment to our mate as a person, and then adjustment to the functions and responsibilities of marriage. And then we concluded our study last week by looking together at some practical areas of the whole matter of communication in marriage.

0:49 The necessity of communication, what constitutes good communication, the things that will help or hinder communication. Now tonight we move on to two more practical areas within the marriage bond, and God willing in the last session we'll take up the last two. And the two that we're going to take up tonight are the place of our in-laws in our marriage, and secondly, money and things in our marriage. All right, first of all then, the place of the in-laws.

The Biblical Mandate to 'Leave' Parents

1:19 And I often say to the young people, you better know how to relate to your in-laws, or they will soon become outlaws in your estimation. And of course, there have been a multitude of mother-in-law jokes, particularly, and this indicates that people are a little bit nervous about this whole area of the in-laws. But it's interesting, when we take the scripture seriously, that the first recorded pronouncement concerning marriage has a very clear statement directed to this matter of our in-laws. In Genesis chapter 2 and verse 24, we read, after God brought Eve to Adam, therefore, in the light of this relationship that God has established, therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.

2:13 So according to God himself, there is no true marriage without this leaving and this cleaving. And you see, you cannot do the latter unless you do the former properly. No man can legitimately cleave to his wife unless he has first of all learned what it is to leave his father and mother. Now, by inference, it applies to the other marriage partner as well.

2:37 For this cause shall a woman leave her father and mother and cleave to her husband. and they too shall be one flesh. So you see, this first statement of marriage then brings us headlong into a mother-in-law, father-in-law, daughter-in-law, son-in-law ballpark, indicating that unless we rightly understand the will of God in this area, there will be some problems in the whole matter of what it is to cleave to the new partner. Now this poses a problem because the fifth commandment, the unchangeable law of God, obedience to which is incumbent upon all of us, says, Honor thy father and thy mother.

3:20 And it doesn't have a parenthesis as long as you're under their roof. Or a dash, that is, until you are married. Honor thy father and thy mother is a commandment, obedience to which is incumbent upon us for as long as we are alive. Honor thy father and thy mother.

3:42 So to state the whole in-law problem as succinctly and briefly as possible, let me state it this way. The real problem is, how do we obey the mandate to leave them and at the same time continue in our obedience to the mandate to honor them? How do I so honor as not to fail to leave? How do I so leave them so as not to fail to render them proper honor?

Four Ways to Leave Parents

4:14 Now, no one ever told me these things. I had to learn them by hard experience, by thrashing them out in the light of the scriptures, and some of my own foolishness, and some of my own ignorance. But let me suggest to you, as I've tried to wrestle through this question, The best way to approach it is, first of all, to take these two matters in isolation. So we'll address ourselves to the question, what does it mean scripturally to leave father and mother?

4:41 And then we'll address ourselves to the question, how do we still honor them even though we have left them? Now, to leave father and mother means that there is a basic severance of the existing relationship to one's parents in at least four ways. Now, some of these ways you've already begun to experience if you've not lived under their roof for a year, two years, five years. In other words, many young men and women have some degree of independence prior to their marriage date.

5:14 Many others don't. They go right from the home in which they were raised, the government and the love and the communion of that home, into the new home. That is the new marriage relationship. So some of these things have to be learned almost as it were overnight.

5:31 Some are learned gradually. But in every instance, to leave father and mother means leaving them in at least four ways. Number one, we are to leave them governmentally.

5:45 Until we are married, the primary channel of honoring father and mother is to obey them. And you'll remember in Ephesians 6, 1 and 2, how closely these things are put together. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor thy father and thy mother, which is the first commandment with promise.

6:05 While we're under our parents' roof, honoring finds as its most predominant channel obedience to their government. so that their wishes and the expression of their will for us is an expression of the will of God. Now, if they try to get us to do something that is a blatant, open, violent contradiction of the law of God, then we say, well, Mom and Dad, I'm sorry, there's a higher law. But those instances are rare.

6:36 So that honoring father and mother prior to the time when we establish our own household is expressed primarily in obedience. But now, a new seat of government is being set up. A husband and a wife are being joined, or man and woman are being joined together as husband and wife, and God has vested in that new relationship a new seat of government. The husband is to be the administrative head of that new relationship, and in time, if children come, the mother and father are the administrators of that home, exercising authority and responsibility, and now God says to their children, honor your father and your mother, because I have given them this position of authority

7:22 in my will as expressed in my word. Now, it is a temptation to many young couples to lean upon the government that father and mother exercised over them for a long time, because you see, with the government comes the responsibility of decision-making. And some of us, to a greater or lesser degree, and all of us, to some degree, don't like the burden of decision-making. It means that no longer can you lean upon mom and dad to sort out the pros and the cons of an issue.

7:57 Shall I or shall I not do this? Whether it's spending money, going a certain place, whatever it is. And there is a very real tendency to continue to lean upon the luxury of their government. their decision-making ability and experience.

8:14 But God says, no, no. For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave to his own wife. So that you are to leave them governmentally. They no longer are in the position of establishing your basic lifestyle.

8:34 They are not in the position to tell you how to rear your children with reference to economic matters, with reference to every area of life, there is a new seat of government. And God says you must leave father and mother governmentally. Now follow closely to the next statement that I make. This leaving them governmentally will be easy or difficult in direct proportion to the intimacy of your present relationship to mother and father.

9:03 Now some people find it very easy to leave mother and father governmentally governmentally simply because there were never any close ties anyway. Mother and father perhaps did not bother themselves to exercise much decision-making authority in the life of a son or daughter. There were not close ties of confidence. There were no real intimate bonds of affection.

9:23 So in a very real sense, to leave them governmentally is no big deal. But I know for some of you sitting here because I know something about your family situation. This is not going to be an easy thing. But it is still your responsibility.

9:36 A man shall leave his father and mother governmentally. The wife shall leave father and mother governmentally. Instead of instinctively looking to mom and dad, feeling, well, they're the most experienced and therefore they have the most wisdom in this, you look to your husband, you look to your wife, even though you may feel very shaky. How in the world is he or she going to gain experience in decision making unless the decisions are thrown at his or her feet?

10:03 Well, there's a second way you must leave them, and that is economically. Now, we live in a day when the idea of economic self-respect is rare. I'm not so old, but what I think I can feel something of the shift from the mentality of my own parents to the mentality of this generation. It wasn't a matter of whether or not you could get food stamps or go on welfare.

10:28 It's a matter of whether you would and maintain your self-respect as long as you could by any means whatsoever provide for yourself. And there's been a shift in the whole mentality. We have now more or less the mentality of the socialistic state where what somebody else's belongs to me if I've got a few problems and can't get it for myself. Well, you see, this mentality can carry over into the in-law situation.

10:54 situation, and I've seen enough young couples, Christian as well, to realize that this has subtly infiltrated their thinking so that the first economic pinch that comes, they run back to mom and dad for help. You're to leave father and mother, not only governmentally, but you're to leave them economically. It is the responsibility of the father, the husband, in the new relationship to provide. 1 Timothy 5 and verse 8. It is the responsibility of the wife to be a supplemental provider, as we saw in Proverbs 31. So there should be no anticipated regular dependence on your in-laws for economic stability. Now, notice the words I use. There should be no regular

11:44 expected dependence upon your in-laws for economic stability.

11:53 Now, if there's an emergency, unusual expenses come up that you've not anticipated, if God has put either set of parents in a position that they might be able to help and out of love with no strings attached, subtle ones, open ones, or not so open ones, why then it would be wrong not to accept this expression of their love and their kindness in their desire to help. That's one thing. But to depend upon it and to expect it is another. Let me say by way of application, beware of getting yourself in debt to your in-laws.

12:30 It can ruin an otherwise good relationship.

12:34 It can break down the respect between a husband and wife. For instance, suppose you're in a pinch and rather than going to a commercial establishment to borrow the money, your wife sees you're running to your father, your mother. What happens to you in her eyes? Well, who is this man I married?

12:50 Is he still tied to his apron strings? Isn't he man enough to go down and get a loan on the basis of his own wage earning power and his wage, his own wage earning capacity? You see, there can be an erosion of respect and confidence on the part of the wife if she sees the husband running in the direction of his parents. Be careful in accepting any large gifts from your in-laws.

13:12 Make sure that there's no form of payment in those gifts to keep the rule already relinquished or to gain back the rule partially relinquished. Leave them economically. But then thirdly, you must not only leave them governmentally, economically, you must leave them emotionally. Now, you've lived with your parents 18, 20, 25 years, and to a greater or lesser degree, deep and elaborate emotional ties have been established.

13:45 Now, if you've had a Christian home, the ties are all the deeper and all the more extensive. it. Now, all of these emotional outlets need to be transferred to another person. The springs, as it were, have run out to mother, father, brother, sister, close girlfriends, boyfriends.

14:02 Now, in a very real sense, all the springs have to be gathered up and directed toward this husband, towards this wife. You see the joke about the young bride running home to mother? What is that? The constant bantering about it's an indication of people who weren't able to leave emotionally.

14:22 The little phrase, oh, he's still tied to his mother's apron strings. What they're saying is he's not made an emotional severance from his mother.

14:31 Now, it's absolutely necessary that we leave father and mother emotionally. John C., who has an excellent book, and I don't know if this is still in print. I'm going to do some inquiring this week.

14:44 He has some very, very helpful things in many practical areas of marriage. Says concerning this very thing in a chapter in this book. This is printed by Zondervan. And chapter 13 is called Beyond Father and Mother.

14:56 I don't like the title, Magic in Marriage, because what he offers is not magic, but good, sound, practical advice. But he says this very helpful word. The whole area of family relationships is one where the Christian point of view is vital. not only in the matter of determining priority of loyalty, but also in kindly concern for the feelings of others. We can inflict great misery upon a wife or husband if we're not careful, and yet be hardly aware that we're doing it. The reason is that in marriage we stick our emotional necks out so very far. We give ourselves totally to another person with the understanding that this giving is being reciprocated.

15:43 I'm giving myself totally to you. You're giving yourself totally to me. If we begin to suspect that we could be mistaken about this, then we are subjected to the most acute anxiety. This is especially true in the matter of precedence.

15:59 And then he'll explain what he means. It is human nature to feel we must be first in the other person's life with no rival to threaten this supreme place. and because we have so much to lose we feel compelled to turn savagely on any pretender to this place of preeminence. An uncut umbilical cord to a mother or father will therefore inflict the greatest misery and invoke the fiercest hostility in a marriage.

16:27 You let a young husband begin to feel that the wife has more confidence in his father or in her own father or mother and it's a shattering thing to that young husband. it's demeaning it's a crushing of his very humanity and he'll begin to have awful ugly feelings toward that one whom he feels is rivaling the place that he ought to have in your confidence and in your affections as a wife And the reverse is true as well You let a young man begin to feel that you feel yourself much more comfortable pouring out your woes to your mother, finding emotional outlets to your mother that are not being directed to him, and it will crush you. You see? So it's important to face honestly, am I prepared to leave father and mother?

17:15 And if God deals with the closest human tie, the greater always includes the lesser. So he's talking not only about leaving then father and mother, the deepest human relationship, but all lesser human relationships. Some of you have had some very close girlfriends. A totally new relationship must now enter.

17:36 Some of you felt it during courtship. Once in a while, I have to sort out some less than positively loving feelings among some of the single gals. because they were very, very close. And all of a sudden, one of them begins to get courted seriously and gets engaged.

17:50 And the noses of some of the girlfriends in the inner circle are bent because no longer does this gal come over to the house or into the group when they're together and tell everything, poor, she's found a new outlet. And the others are a little bit wounded, you see. Well, she's got a guide. Does that mean we don't exist anymore?

18:07 I've heard language like that right around this place, you see. Well, you see what happens then in the marriage relationship. You may have to have some of your friends have their noses bent. You just can't go and spill out everything to the gals.

18:21 It may have been perfectly legitimate to come back all bubbly and giggly and tell three or four girlfriends what happened on your first date. But you don't go back to those gals and tell them what happened on your wedding night. The whole new sacred area of privacy enters in. You see?

18:38 Are you prepared now for that leaving of father and mother, the deepest relationship and all lesser relationships, in terms of having your primary emotional needs met anywhere else but in your husband or wife? And now, of course, the best way to do the first three. If you're going to leave governmentally, economically, and emotionally, the best way to do it is to leave father and mother geographically. and it is a common consensus among those who work with married couples that rarely is any roof broad enough, long enough, and heavy enough to hold the pressure of two families living under it.

19:19 Two families, that is, of the same basic ties. It just is not a good thing. because you see here the parents have looked upon their little darling daughter. You know, they remember back when she came home from the hospital and they can tell you all the details about how she messed her first diaper and took her first step and everything else.

19:39 Well, all of a sudden now, with all these years of deep involvement, you see, and emotional ties and memories and the rest, so they've had a big deal and they've gone down the wedding and gone away for a honeymoon. But there she's right back under the roof. No big deal. She looks the same.

19:55 That's our same little girl. You see the unnecessary strain that's put upon the father and mother in such a case? It is hard for them to realize that they've got to back off and take hands off. And you can see how hard it is for the person involved.

20:09 They look up and there's the same surroundings in which they've poured out their affections and their concerns and their sorrows and their joys to mom and dad. And now suddenly that's all got to be wrenched loose. You see, you put undue pressure upon the marriage, trying to leave governmentally, emotionally, and economically, if you don't leave geographically. Marriage has enough legitimate problems without keeping up this great one at the outset.

20:36 far better, far better, and I mean this in dead earnestness now, far better to have orange crates for dresser drawers and have sleeping bags in your master bedroom and to have a measure of privacy and independence from your in-laws than to have the other alternative of a nice, well-furnished home if the price you have to pay is living with mom and pop. God bless them. And it's not a matter that they're perverse. It's not a matter that you're perverse.

21:17 It's just a matter of human relationships. And you're just tempting God if you put yourself in that situation. All right? That's how we leave them.

Three Ways to Honor Parents After Leaving

21:25 Now, how in the world, then, do we continue to honor them? That's a pretty radical cleavage, isn't it? To leave them in this way, how do we still honor them? Well, let me suggest several ways.

21:35 Number one, by tangible assurances that you have not forgotten them. We've all heard the little saying, out of sight, out of mind. And sad to say, that's what happens with many kids when they get married and young men and women. I shouldn't say kids, but many young men and women when they get married.

21:53 As soon as mom and dad are out of sight, mom and dad would assume that they're also out of mind. They become so irresponsibly happy and caught up in the joys of the new relationship that they cease to honor father and mother. Remember their special days. Let me urge, particularly you young women, get a little book.

22:17 It costs you a nickel or a dime. One of the few things you'll get for a nickel or a dime. A little spiral notebook. And just put little tabs in there according to the months of the year.

22:26 And write down the special days in order. Birthday. anniversaries special days in the life of father and mother on both side if both sets of in-laws are living simple little thing to send a card just check through that thing every week see whose day is coming up write down when mother's day is coming father's day is coming so that in this way you make it evident that you do honor them you are grateful for them then as your own marriage develops and you see more and more how you've brought into your marriage and into life in general those things that mother and dad, even if they weren't Christians in terms of common grace, the things that they put into your life many times with blood, sweat and tears, and you begin to see

23:14 the benefit of it, you write them a letter and tell them. It does no good to stand by their coffin when they're gone and say nice things to the neighbors and to the relatives about them. Say it to them while they're alive. Let them know that you appreciate what they've done under God.

23:33 Telephone call on special family days. Christmas. Other days when perhaps the family would normally be together. Let them know that though you're not there anymore because of the demands of the new relationship and because of the legitimate scriptural perspectives of the new relationship, You still honor them for all that they've done for you as your parents.

23:56 If ever we need Matthew 7, 12, it's in this area. As you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. And you know, there's a wonderful way that what we sow we reap, the scripture says. How do you want to be treated when your kids are grown up and married?

24:14 You want to feel as though out of sight, out of mind? then you treat mom and dad that way and God will see to it that you get the same treatment. As you would that others do unto you even so do ye also unto them. Then share your special joys with them.

24:31 This lets them know this is under that same first heading by tangible assurances you've not forgotten them. You young ladies when you come home from the doctor after you've missed your second period and he's told you you're really pregnant it's the real thing you call your mom up and tell her. You let her in on the joy. You let her in on the joy of this.

24:51 And when the baby's born, you guys, before you go back to the office and pass out your bubble gum, you call them up and you let them know. You share your joys with them. There's a sense in which by mutual agreement you can share your griefs. Because they still have you on their heart.

25:12 Give them tangible assurances that you've not forgotten them. Secondly, you can honor them by seeking their advice and counsel in the areas in which they are competent to give it. By seeking their advice and counsel in the areas where they are competent to give it. You see, the years have taught your mom and dad a few things which you have simply not lived long enough to learn.

25:39 and I'm sure some of you who can look back even two or three years ago when you thought you knew everything and you just said that dumb mom and dad of mine when in the world are they going to smarten up and learn what life is all about you realize now they knew a lot more about what life was all about don't you? well with the passing of the years you're going to see that more and more even if they're not Christians even if they're not Christians if their marriage is hung together with any degree of stability they've learned an awful lot about life in general well wherever you can Seek their counsel, because you see what that's saying to your mom and dad? When you seek their counsel in an area, you're saying, mom and dad, we're grateful for what you've accomplished in this area. We'd like to know how we also might conduct ourselves so as to be competent in this area.

26:25 Such areas, perhaps, as business questions, finances, certain domestic skills. ask advice with this qualification that your partner consents to your asking advice. Don't ever do it unilaterally. Otherwise you run the risk of the other partner mistaking that and saying, oh, you're running back to mom now.

26:47 You see? But by mutual consent, discuss the matter first. Maybe you men would want to say to your young bride and say, well, you know, I'm just not sure what to do with regard to changing my insurance over now that we're married And I know my dad wrestled through this and the rest. Dear, would you mind if I called my dad and had him give us a little advice on this?

27:07 You see? Well, then, you see, it's a matter of sharing in this together and there's no undermining of the mutual respect and confidence. So whenever advice is sought in honoring father and mother, do it by mutual consent. Never unilaterally.

27:21 All right? Third way you can honor them. By giving special care to their needs in their old age. by giving special care to their needs in their old age.

27:35 One of the tragedies in our day is the hardness of heart in this very area. The scripture says in 1 John 3, 16 to 18, that we ought to so love one another as to lay down our lives for one another. And then John goes on to say, He that seeth his brother, here's just a Christian brother, he's not my blood brother, he's not my father, mother, sister, just a brother in the Lord. He says, He that seeth his brother in need and shutteth up the bowels of compassion from him.

28:01 How dwelleth the love of God in him? My little children, let us not love in word only, but in deed and in truth. And certainly honoring father and mother, even though we've left them and are cleaving to our husband and wife, means that we are sensitive to the special demands of their old age. Now, this does not mean that we automatically take them into our home.

28:26 All of our respective duties must be weighed in their relationship to each other and in relationship to the word of God. But we'll make it evident that we are not indifferent to their needs, even if the state says, well, we'll provide a place for them and Medicare will provide this and all the rest. The worst thing in the world for some parents is to be put into the best of rest homes. The best thing in the world for some is to be put in such a home.

28:53 The worst thing you can do for some in-laws is to take them into your house. The best thing you can do for some is to take them into your house. And there are no general rules in this. But you see, if you're convinced, I must honor them until God takes me from the face of the earth or takes them from me.

29:11 And even after they're gone, I must still honor them by seeking to maintain the integrity of the family name and wherever possible, speaking honorably of their memory. You see, honoring father and mother is a tremendous commandment, and we must particularly be aware of this with reference to the special care demanded in their old age. Now, having looked at what it means to leave them, what it means in some ways anyway to honor them, let me just give a couple of miscellaneous practical suggestions, and then we'll move on to the next area. Practical suggestion number one, be fair in dividing your allowable time with the in-laws.

Practical Suggestions for In-law Relationships

29:52 You see, each set of parents feels that he and she have equal right to, say, your vacation times. Now, let me suggest that maybe your first Christmas you spend it together and send a note beforehand of both sets of in-laws and say, this is our first Christmas together. And we'd like to spend it in our own little apartment. Now, if they're within driving distance, it's no big deal, as it is with some of us, with in-laws scattered all over the country.

30:22 Say, we'd rather have our own little dinner here at home, but we'll come to see parents A from 2 to 3 in the afternoon, and parents B from 3 to 4 in the afternoon, and you let them know, so you don't set up inter-tribal warfare. You see, keep the communication open and be fair in dividing your allowable time with your in-laws and then begin to alternate and let them know. Say, all right, in 1976, we spend Christmas with the wife's parents and in 77, we spend Christmas with his parents. But then we're going to spend whatever the next day.

31:01 We're going to spend Thanksgiving one year with one, one with the other and let them know. This is just a practical way to fulfill the biblical commandment as much as life within you live peaceably with all men. And that means with your in-laws as well. And you see, this is, though we laugh about it, it's a tremendous thing for children when they come into the home to have the stability of the good relationship.

31:23 Not only you with your parents, their new Nana and Grandpa, but between the grandparents. It gives them some sense of perspective to realize I've been brought into a situation where there is the security of mutual love and affection among the relatives. And some of you have never known that. And you know something of the lack of it.

31:43 When you go into a situation and see it, you say, man, this is great. This is tremendous. Some of us have had it. We're married to people who didn't have it.

31:52 And they've shared with us what it's meant to them. So be fair in dividing your allowable time. And now this next exhortation, be patient in their and your adjustment to the new relationship. Now, does anyone learn how to be a good husband or wife overnight?

32:12 Well, after these sessions, I hope you say no. All right, does anyone learn how to be a good mother-in-law and father-in-law overnight? No. So be patient with their adjustment to this new situation.

32:25 You guys don't assume you've got a meddlesome mother-in-law the first time your wife's mother is on the phone with her telling her how to do something. Love thinketh no evil. It just may be an awkward way in which the mother is still trying to show she loves her daughter, not in the least bit thinking that she's giving the impression that maybe the daughter hasn't left mother in the biblical sense. You see, love thinketh no evil puts the best possible construction on things.

32:55 Be patient now. Don't assume that the father-in-law is just trying to run the marriage because he sees you doing some dumb thing where you're holding the hammer backwards and he tries to show you how to hold the hammer when you're doing a certain job. Don't assume that he's trying to show you up before your wife and all. No, no, no.

33:11 Don't assume that. He's having to learn what it is to be a father-in-law. Up until now, you did something wrong. He said, hey, buster, and he straightened you out.

33:20 Now he's got to treat you like a full-grown, adult, mature man in front of your wife. Well, he knows you ain't quite that in all these areas. So he's got to adjust, you see? So be patient with them and with yourself and with each other in this area.

33:35 And then the third admonition don allow friction to build up in these matters Don allow any friction to build up between yourselves with reference to your in Keep the lines open on this And if you feel that your wife is calling up her mother a little bit too often, sit down and tell her so. And then listen while she explains to you why she doesn't think she's calling him up too much. And if you need to have a good weep and a good fuss and a good time of talking over it and praying through, Far better to do that than to let the juices stew in the depths of your spirit waiting for some time to erupt. You see, don't allow any tension to build up over the matter of in-laws.

34:19 And don't allow any to build up with the in-laws themselves. If you sense that mom and dad, their countenance is not towards you now as it once was, you go to them and say, mom, you know, have I done something wrong? and she may burst into tears and say, I feel like I've been totally cast home. I've loved them all.

34:40 And she just may, well, you just put your arm around and remember, you're going to be there someday. You see? And try to be understanding, but don't let any backlog of acidy negative attitudes build up. You see, God knew, and I say it reverently, God knew what he was doing when he put in the very first announcement on marriage, the in-law issue.

Biblical Perspective on Money and Possessions

35:00 You see how vital it is for the stability of your own marriage. All right? Now we go on to money and things. Money and things.

35:09 Now, some have said very romantically that they live on love. Well, if they were angels, they could because angels are disembodied spirits. But you're not. And you don't live on love.

35:22 You live on food, shelter, and clothing, and transportation. And you live on the insurance if you die or your wife or your husband does. And all of these things cost money. And it's an interesting, sad but interesting thing that those who've done some statistical analysis of what causes disruptions in marriages, some have asserted that there are more arguments in marriage over money than over any other issue.

35:50 Now, of course, that's probably among the ungodly. But being Christians does not exempt us from the tensions which the economics of marriage can bring into a relationship. You see, oftentimes tension over money simply reveals some other basic areas of breakdown in the relationship. But as we come now to money and things in their relationship to marriage, I'm assuming that I'm speaking to Christians whose whole fundamental approach to money and to things is basically a biblical approach to money and to things.

36:28 In other words, we take seriously what Jesus said in Luke 12 when he said, Beware of covetousness, for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of things which he possesseth. You see, the average couple, unless they're part of what we would call the, well, I don't want to use an unkind term, but there is a large segment of our society that has bolted against crass materialism. It's the crowd that is very, very strong on ecology. Many of them have gone out and are just living off the land, living very simply, etc.

37:07 And though they are materialists, they're not materialists in the same sense that their mother and father are. Where mother and father made a god of their Buick and of their four-bedroom split level, they make a god of their granola. And really, it's become their god. They don't realize it.

37:23 They've simply changed gods. They're still materialists. Their ambitions, their appetites, their sensitivities rise no higher than this life and this world. It's just a different form of materialism.

37:36 But as Christians, no. We realize there's a whole set of values higher than any tangible materialistic values, be it Buick or be it Good Mother Earth, as it is called. We believe what the scripture says when it says in Hebrews 13, 5, Be free from the love of money, content with such things as ye have. You see, not tolerating what you have so you can get more.

38:03 That's one thing. That's the world. But content with such things as ye have. We take seriously 1 Timothy chapter 6, where Paul says, Having food and raiment, let us therewith be content.

38:19 And for they that would be rich drown themselves in sorrows and in perdition. So when we come to the whole matter of money and things within the framework of marriage, we're coming to it in a biblical perspective that puts the emphasis away from the accumulation of things and confidence in the instability of things. And yet, you cannot operate a marriage without money and things. In the very chapter in which the Lord Jesus is condemning a wrong preoccupation with things, Matthew 6, what does he say?

38:58 He says, don't be anxious concerning things, what we shall eat, what we shall drink, what we'll wear. But then as he goes on to say, because these things are not the concern of the kingdom, he says, no. For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of such things. You see, there's the beautiful biblical balance.

Guideline 1: Remember Stewardship

39:16 Our whole interest and concern is not focused upon these things, yet we face realistically the necessity of money and things. And that's the wholesome biblical perspective. Now let me attempt to give you some specific guidelines with reference to money and things in your marriage. And I've tried to do so along the lines of five little exhortations.

39:40 All right, number one, remember as husband and wife, remember that you are stewards of all you possess and of the ability to earn money.

39:53 The scripture says the earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof. Now, that's pretty broad. That's everything. Paul says in First Corinthians four, seven, what hast thou that thou didst not receive?

40:06 Whatever I have in the way of things, whatever abilities I have to earn money, to accumulate more things, every bit of this is a gift from God. Every bit of it. Every single bit of it. And all you need is one visit to a mental institution to see people who sit and stare at a wall, whose rational faculties have been absolutely stripped from them.

40:31 A totally undesirable commodity on the wage market, and you realize the ability to accomplish a given task and in accomplishment of that task to be given a monetary reward or recompense is a gift from God. I cannot take it for granted. And then everything that I have is his gift. All you need to do is pick up a newspaper and see what one little tremble in the earth can do to what people have accumulated over a lifetime.

40:58 One little earthquake, it's gone. One hurricane, it's gone. One tornado, it's gone. You see?

41:04 So as husbands and wives, we need to enter marriage and maintain within marriage this perspective. We are stewards of all we possess. It is all a gift alone, a trust from God. All right?

Guideline 2: Obligation and Privilege to Give

41:19 Secondly, remember your solemn obligation and great privilege to give systematically and proportionately of all that God entrusts you with. Proverbs 3, 9 and 10 says Honor the Lord with thy substance And the first fruits of all thine increase And I hope you couples have thrashed this out And already come to a firm commitment That whatever God enables you to earn Whatever comes to you in the way of unexpected gifts

42:08 You're going to take the first fruits of all your increase And you're going to give it to the Lord You're going to take a portion of everything If some relative dies and leaves you $10,000, before you begin to figure what you're going to do with any of that, you say, without any question, we start with the base of the tithe. $1,000 of that is going to go to the work of God somewhere. Somehow we don't even act like it's ours. That's the Lord's.

42:34 Have you thrashed that out together? If you haven't, let me urge you to do so. That's a commandment, a solemn obligation. 1 Corinthians 16, 1, now concerning the collection, For the saints on the first day of the week, when you are come together, let each one of you lay by him in store as God has prospered.

42:56 Now we must beware of this mentality, what I call the by God's blessing mentality. You know, tithe and God will bless you. As though the only reason we do the thing is for something we can get. No, it is my privilege.

43:10 Think of it. Think of it. Here are the beasts of the field, sustained by the goodness of God. Psalm 104.

43:16 speaks of the lions that seek their food from God. And when God supplies them with that food, they have no capacity to look up into the face of their Maker and say, Oh God, thank you. You and I, as creatures made in the image of God, of all His creatures, apart from the angels, we're the only ones who can look to the God who supplies our need and say, Lord, we acknowledge you to be the giver of every good and every perfect gift and to make it evident that that's not just a surface mental acknowledgement, but an honest, hearty acknowledgement, Lord, here is the tenth, the tithe that is the token of that acknowledgement. For that's the significance of the tenth, of the tithe.

43:59 The first recorded instance of tithing is in Genesis, when Abraham paid tithes to Melchizedek, and when he approached him, he approached him and said, I give these things in the name of God, most high, possessor of heaven and earth. And the scripture says, and he paid times. You see, as Abraham contemplated that God owns everything, the giving of the tenth was the tangible acknowledgement that it was all a trust from God. And you have this solemn obligation and great privilege so to do.

44:32 And failure to do so brings the indictment of Malachi 3.8. Will a man rob God? Wherein have we robbed God?

44:40 And the answer of the prophet is in tithes and in offerings. Now, for some of you, this is going to be a trial of faith the first three months of your marriage. You just don't see how in the world you're going to be able to give proportionately and systematically to the work of God and make ends meet.

45:02 Well, you've heard it time after time. it almost becomes hackney. But will God be better to any man, any woman's obedience to him? He said in his word, those that honor me, I will honor.

45:15 And when you fail to do it, the money you've saved, you think. You know what God did to the people in the Old Testament? He says you put your money in a bag with holes in it.

45:26 And I'll share a little instance that my mom and dad shared with me in their early experience of marriage. It was with reference to my dad working on the Lord's Day. And it wasn't a work of necessity, such as a hospital, a nurse, this type thing. And she said, God taught them very early that every time Dad worked, because it was right in the middle of the Depression that I was born.

45:48 I was born and I was just coming out of it in 1934. And I was the second, so there were two mouths to feed. You say, man, he really is an old duffer, isn't he? All right.

46:00 So, you know, there weren't a lot of pennies floating around. And there were times as a father who felt his responsibility, and my dad always did, to provide for his family. He would work that extra time when it was available. But my mother said, almost invariably, sometimes almost to the penny, whatever he'd earned working on the Sunday went out in extra medical bills that month.

46:22 It was as though the Lord was saying, no, no, no, no. You'll put your money in a bag with holes in it. And God can give you wisdom to know how to cut corners. He'll let you come across a Woman's Day magazine.

46:34 It's got some excellent budget recipes in there. You'll stretch a pound of Hamburg further than you thought you could and the rest. When you do this out of principle, and as God says, prove me now herewith. Prove me.

46:47 And that's in the context of giving to God what belongs to him. And then when your children get older and you have convictions about putting them in Christian school, and the pressure even gets greater, what a thrill again to say, Lord, no, you're going to honor our desire to do what is right with reference to our family. It's a solemn obligation and a great privilege to give systematically and proportionately to the work of God. Proportionately, the tithe is the base.

47:16 And now listen carefully to this next admonition under this second general hand. An increase of family income does not automatically mean that God wants you to increase your standard of living.

47:30 it may simply mean he wants you to be a wider channel of giving to his work. And so many young couples make this mistake. They honor the Lord with the first fruit of their increase. Maybe they give the tithe.

47:44 God blesses a man in his work. He gets advancements, promotion, increase of salary, and they immediately consider, well, that means that God wants us to drive more expensive cars, wear more expensive clothing, live more part. No, no, no, no, may not at all. Maybe what God is saying, I've been able to entrust you with little.

48:05 Now I want to entrust you with more so that you can be even a wider channel of giving to the interest of my kingdom.

Guideline 3: Live Within Your Means

48:15 All right. Third guideline. Number one was remember your stewards. Number two, the solemn obligation and privilege to give.

48:23 Three, remember your obligation to live within your means.

48:30 And I come back now to 1 Timothy 6, that very, very fundamental passage, which I hope as married couples in the future you'll come back to again and again.

48:43 1 Timothy chapter 6 and verse 6. Godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world. You didn't even bring your first scream. The doctor had to whack you on the buttocks to get that out of you.

48:57 For we can neither carry anything out, but having food and covering, we shall be there with content. But they that are minded to be rich fall into a temptation and a snare, and many foolish and hurtful lusts such as drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money, that is money as an instrument to accumulate things, is a root of all kinds of evil. which some reaching after have been led astray from the faith and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

49:35 You see, the word would be rich simply means those who would have something more than the basic necessities of life. Food and raiment, he says, be content. If you can go to bed at night without hunger pangs, it doesn't say without fulfilled gourmet tastes. Many of us go to bed hungry if we're talking about fulfilled gourmet tastes.

49:58 But he says you can go to bed without hunger pangs and wake up in the morning with enough in your closet to adorn yourself decently and modestly. Not elegantly. Not perhaps the most fashionably. But you have enough food to keep from hunger pangs and enough clothing to be respectable.

50:16 He says be content. Be content. And the moment you're discontent and you want gourmet food as your regular fare, which can only come with more money. And you want elegant clothing which can only come with more money And you want elegant furnishings in the home which involves more money And you begin to say how can we attain it He says you know what you done You bared your chest And you've just asked for arrows to come and to pierce you through with sorrows.

50:45 Marriages have been wrecked when this has happened. Husband and wife begin to rationalize and say, well, if we're going to have the more elegant food, the more elegant clothing, more elegant furnishings, etc., that means, dear, you're going to have to work. Only temporarily now, you see.

50:59 And the wife then goes out to work, not for basic necessities, but for these borderline luxuries. And what happens? They get so accustomed to that income, and then it's a form of addiction. And one thing leads to another.

51:13 And then we must get this and this and this and this and this. And what happens? Their communication begins to break down. They're no longer spending the time together.

51:21 The wife is so weary she can't really be responsive to the husband. The husband begins to despise her because she's not the neat housekeeper she once was. She's not the responsive lover that she once was. And there's a breakdown in the communication.

51:34 And what happens? They pierce themselves through with many sorrows. And that's happened time after time after time. A young man begins to get advancement.

51:45 And now the next advancement will mean that he's got to commit himself to longer hours. Much more time away from home. doesn't really need it to maintain his present level, but to have that extra thing, that lovely vacation in Hawaii. This and that, what happens?

52:02 He takes that advancement, and he does so at the price of his own soul. And I thank God for the example that some of you have right in this assembly. Just a couple of weeks ago, one of our keen young men in this assembly was offered promotion that would have meant for many young men what they'd striven a lifetime for. Could have meant close to a doubling in salary.

52:23 And I'm not talking about salary in the five or ten thousand dollar bracket either. I'm talking about something far beyond that. Prestige and all the rest. But he told those over him, look, the most important thing to me in the world is my relationship to my God, to my family, and to my church.

52:40 You can have it. I don't want it. The price tag is too high.

52:45 And a godless, unconverted man the next day said to him, calling him by name. He said, I hope you have the guts to stick by your principles. He said, years ago, I had a wife and I had kids. I still have a woman in the home and I still have some people that illegally called my children.

53:05 But the price I paid to go where we've offered you to go was giving up, really. A true relationship to my wife and my kids. And I made the wrong decision. You've made the right one.

53:16 now that's what I'm talking about living within the means and being content well you say pastor what about credit cards well let me put it this way if the credit card can be your servant to accomplish your goals within the boundaries of the word of God it may be a safe thing to have credit cards instead of carrying cash around but if the credit card is your master to lead you about by the nose to purchase everything you take a fancy for, treat the credit card like something that was spawned by the devil himself. This is an area of Christian liberty. You can't legislate.

54:00 But if the credit card is not your master, don't use it. I have in my pocket the kind of credit card and I could take out of here tonight without a, well, in just my underwear and I could be outfitted with fancy threads and end up over in Hong Kong and go around the world on it. You see, that's a dangerous credit card if you can't control it. But that's my servant who serves me.

54:24 That's an AmeritExpress credit card for those listening to the tape. You can't see it. This is not visual. That's my servant.

54:31 And he is used when I have to fly somewhere and I don't carry around $200 or $300 cash for airline tickets. So he's my servant to pay for my ticket until I'm reimbursed and then he's paid off before the bill ever comes.

54:47 But if he weren't my servant, I'd get rid of him and I'd tell the people to advance the money to me. You see? Now that's something you've got to decide as husbands and wives. What about deficit spending?

Guideline 4: Establish and Stick to a Realistic Budget

54:57 Buying on time? Here again, is it within your means? You may not be able to save up enough money to plunk out cash for a car. When you decide on the car, don't let the salesman sweet-talk you into saying, you know, this cream puff for this.

55:10 You sit down and you figure what your budget is, do we have a place for $70, $80 a month for two, three years, whatever it is, to pay for this automobile? You see, credit spending is not a violation of the biblical commandment, owe no man anything. That is a commandment that we are not to put ourselves in the place of unjust debts where anyone can say to us, you owe me money that has not been given to me. Now, when I make an arrangement with the bank and say, if you will give to me $2,000, I will give to you $80 a month for X number of months, and every month I give him that, then he cannot look at me and say, you owe me something. You see, that's not a violation of the command. We've come to a contract. But if I default and a month or two

55:58 goes by simply because of careless planning and impulse spending, then I am violating that biblical commandment. So remember your obligation to live within your means. Fourthly, establish a realistic budget and stick to it. Now what do I mean by a realistic budget? One that anticipates not only your weekly, but your quarterly, your semi-annual, and your annual needs. Realistic, not only a budget that includes food and clothing and car expense and housing expense, but one that includes a lot of the other expenses that are involved in running a household.

56:45 And if you've not operated on a budget at any time in your life so that you have some idea of what a realistic budget is, you ought to come up and look at this later. Here's an excellent little income and expense sheet for young couples planning on marriage. Estimate of income. What your wages will be, interest or dividends on stocks or on savings, any other income, total annual income, split it up by 52, weekly income, estimate of yearly fixed expenses, housing, rent, heat, light, water, other, protection, life insurance, other insurance, giving, taxes, other major items, furniture, car payment, etc.

57:23 That's all totaled. Third major area, estimate of weekly living allowance, family expense, clothing, recreation, medicine, expenses of wife, grocery, household, expenses of husband, operation of car, extra meals, personal expenses. All of this is totaled up. Then you have a fourth area, emergency fund.

57:42 And then you total that all up at the end and see what that's going to be on a weekly basis. And then you tally it with what your weekly income is. And you face the hard facts of economic life, being married. And if anybody says two can live cheaper than one, it's because they ain't tried it.

57:57 And when Uncle gives you $750 a year deduction for your kids, it's only because he ain't raising them. Because you don't raise them for $750. Sometimes you spend that much in a year just in dental expenses if they've got a crooked tooth and they've got to have braces or something else. Well, this is what I mean by a realistic budget.

58:15 I hope that doesn't scare you right out of marriage, but I hope it does scare you into sitting down and getting some realistic figures before you. I had a pastor friend of mine who passed on some premarital counseling materials that he had used. And one of the things he had the couples do was to work up a tentative budget. And it was really interesting because whether it was the gal or the guy, I don't know.

58:37 But one of them had a budget that came up to $290 a week, I mean a month. and the other one had one that came up to $450 a month. Well, it's obvious they were not having a realistic assessment of what it was going to cost to live. And I think it must have been the guy who never had to buy groceries because he had a figure down for groceries for the month that you could just about feed your bird and your turtle, and that would be about it.

59:04 So establish a realistic budget. Now listen to the next little phrase, and stick to it. it's easy to establish a budget relatively easy but the real crunch comes when you guys are going by that shop where whatever it is that is your hobby or the things that are really attractive maybe your weakness is just ties maybe your weakness is sport jackets maybe it's guns maybe it's flowered shirts I don't know what it is but you begin to rationalize and say well you know just goodbye four bucks, five bucks No, no, no, no, you stick to it. You stick to it.

59:42 Don't you cheat on that budget.

59:46 And what you ought to do is make an agreement. Every time I cheat, the amount that I cheat, I'm going to hand over to my partner and say, you can cheat too. And then you can both sit and squirm and holler and weep and pull out your hair when you come up short on the end. But if there's any cheating on the budget, that's just not cricket.

Guideline 5: Agreeable and Efficient Financial Administration

60:03 That's not being fair. So establish a realistic budget and stick to it. And then my fifth line of counsel is, come to an agreeable and efficient and an efficient. Boy, that's hard to say.

60:17 Come to an agreeable and an efficient arrangement relative to the administration of financial matters. Agreeable, that is, one in which husband and wife have discussed the needs and agree as to how they shall be met. Now here I want to talk to you guys. I've met some fellows that have got the idea that it is some kind of a relinquishment of their headship if they even so much as peep to their wives about how much money is in the checking account, if and how much money is in saving, they just say, on the head of the house, here's your X number of bucks, buy the groceries.

61:02 And the poor wife doesn't have a clue what's going on economically and financially. On the other hand, and I know I can point to tangible situations where the husband just feels so absolutely overwhelmed by the economic things, he just says, here honey, you take care of the whole mess. Just give me ten bucks a week to buy a few things that I want. No, no, it must be something that is agreed upon by a thorough, intelligent discussion between the husband and wife.

61:30 come to an agreeable and an efficient arrangement relative to the administration of financial matters. That is, the one that works the best. Now here again, some men feel that if they actually give up the writing out of the checks and balancing the checkbook, that's a relinquishment of their headship. No, it may not be at all.

61:50 It may be a wonderful expression of administering your headship. The president of a company doesn't need to prove he's president by doing all the work of the bookkeeper. He does delegate responsibility. And so in the whole matter of the economics of the household, if the wife is better at basic math and financial details, then agree to have her make out the checks and balance the budget, balance the checkbook.

62:16 Whatever is the most efficient way, that's the way you ought to do it. I read in this book I referred to of a man who was an accountant, and he worked with figures all day long. Now, he no doubt could have handled his own checking things very efficiently. But when he came home at night, he'd had enough of figures.

62:33 And he said, here, dear, if you don't mind, you handle this. And for the wife, it was a challenge. You see, she was working with the mundane. She welcomed a chance to keep her finger in her math and to have something that was an intellectual challenge.

Guideline 6: Pray About Money and Things

62:47 He was working in figures all day long, all his life. So for him, it was a welcome respite. So come then to an agreeable and an efficient arrangement relative to the administration of financial matters. And then my last exhortation, and this sounds strange in the context of affluent America, but before too many years we may understand why the Lord said it, don't forget that we are commanded to make the matters of money and things the subject of frequent believing prayer.

63:19 Jesus said after this manner pray ye and what was one of the things we are constantly to have in our prayer concern give us this day our daily bread give us bread that is sufficient for this day we are not to have a carnal confidence in our ability to make money in the stability of our job situation and if nothing else good has come from the economic crunch of the past year or so. I think it's been good for a number of our people in our own congregation have said to me, Pastor, I no longer take a job for granted. I no longer take for granted the provision of God in giving me a means

64:05 whereby I may earn sufficient for daily bread. So make this a matter of frequent and believing prayer, even as the Lord has taught us in Matthew 6, 11, and then in Philippians 4, we are told to be anxious for nothing. That is, do not be sinfully anxious about that seeming impossibility of balancing the budget at the end of month X because of unexpected expenses. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes understanding shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Conclusion and Preview of Next Session

64:50 So I trust that these practical suggestions will be helpful so that in the whole area of your economic life the Lord himself will be glorified. And God willing then in our next session we'll take up the matter of the sexual aspects of marriage and very briefly touch on children in the marriage relationship. And as the fruit of the marriage and what our attitude should be towards the bearing of children and toward the rearing of children. And let me encourage you for homework to read again carefully and discuss together as couples the latter part of Genesis 1, Genesis chapter 2, 1 Corinthians chapter 7,

65:36 Proverbs chapter 5 and let me give you the specific reference. Proverbs 5 verses 7 through 23 and the Song of Solomon.

65:58 Now there are many other portions to which we could make reference but these are the major portions and we'll be looking at these and I trust we'll be accomplishing a number of things not the least of which is to explode the myth that the Bible is the author of sexual prudery simply to show that this is not the fact as we take the scripture seriously and on the other hand that we shall be inoculated against the perversion and the wicked, unrealistic preoccupation with sex which is the present curse of our own generation and the more men are preoccupied with it the more true sexual fulfillment eludes them. And there's only one place for it to be found

66:46 and that's within the perspectives of these portions of the word of God that I've mentioned to you and God willing I hope to open up some of those portions and to lay before you some of those perspectives. Well let's commit our thoughts to the Lord and then we'll have time for any questions that you may wish to ask. Father, we thank you again that we've been privileged tonight to consider these very practical areas of the marriage relationship. What it is to leave father and mother and to cleave one to another.

67:20 What it is in the ordering of our financial matters to honor you. And Lord, how we long that in a day when there is such confusion and disruption of the sanctity of marriage, these young men and women shall in these very practical areas manifest to all that they are subject to Jesus Christ and to the Scriptures. Bless then the things we've shared together for our profit and for your glory. In Jesus' name we ask it. Amen.