Roles of Husband and Wife

Introductory Issues: Purpose and Approach

0:02 Now, we've met tonight, I trust you are aware, in order to consider some of the clear teaching of the scriptures relative to the institution of marriage. And in beginning this series of three sessions, it's absolutely vital that some fundamental matters relative to our approach and perspective be spelled out clearly as we begin. So the first major division of our study together is what I've called introductory issues. That was a convenient way to group a lot of things together, sort of miscellaneous things that will help us as we actually get into the subject itself.

0:38 And the first introductory issue that I would set before you is a statement of purpose. What am I seeking to accomplish in this time with you? What do I hope you will accomplish by being here, by listening, and subsequent to the lecture, by interacting with me? Well, let me state negatively.

0:58 I am not out. We provide a few magic formulas for a happy, trouble-free marriage. For the simple reason there are no such formulas. And any book, any pamphlet, any lecture, any sermon, anything that says three simple formulas for a happy, blissful marriage, don't even waste the energy of your eyeballs reading the first two lines.

1:28 There just ain't no such thing. Because marriage is a complex thing, from the beginning to the time when, in death, one or the other is separated from the other partner. There is no simple formula, or there are no simple formulas. So my purpose is not to provide what it's impossible to provide, nor in the second place, negatively, am I setting out to construct a catalog of all the possible areas of tension with some ready-made remedies.

1:59 I remember as a kid, my mother had a home medical journal. And every time we had an ache, an itch, or a pain somewhere, she got down the home medical journal, looked up symptoms, turned to the page, and there was some home remedy that was offered, if a home remedy would suit the particular malady. Well, you know, we'd all love to have a manual like that. That we could just go down through, all right, here's a problem over this area of our marriage.

2:22 We turn down through page 722, paragraph 6, there's our little answer. Well, I have no such manual, and I'm not going to. I'm not going to try to construct one tonight. Nor is my purpose to give a detailed and comprehensive analysis of all the major areas of the marriage experience.

2:41 You see, there are books written on individual areas of the marital experience that I will be passing over in 15 to 20 minutes in the course of these lectures. Dwight Harvey Small has an excellent book, 200-some-odd pages, dealing with nothing but communication in marriage. It's the sequel to his book. A book designed for Christian marriage called Now That You've Said, I Do.

3:04 Now, there's a whole book dealing with one aspect, communication, that I'll be passing over in about 15 to 20 minutes. So it's obvious that my purpose is not to give a detailed and comprehensive treatment of all of the various aspects of marriage. Well, if my purpose is not to provide magic formulas, to construct a little mini-catalog, or to give a detailed analysis of all the major areas of the marriage experience, or to give a detailed and comprehensive analysis of marriage, what is my purpose? Well, my purpose can be stated positively along these lines.

3:37 Number one, to acquaint you with the major biblical materials which speak to the various aspects of marriage and the home. It's my concern that when these three sessions are done, all of you as couples will have some awareness that in Genesis 1 and 2, Proverbs 31, Proverbs, Ephesians 5, the Song of Solomon, Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3, these major passages have something to say to the various fundamental aspects of marriage and that you'll have a working knowledge of those portions of the Word of God. What a Betty Crocker's cookbook is to a young housewife, these passages ought to be to all married couples, particularly young married couples, so that by the time you've been married a while, they become part and parcel of your thinking, and they're automatically, as it were, your own. Well, that's one aspect of my purpose, to acquaint you with the major biblical materials which speak to the various aspects of marriage, so that when you think of your role as a wife, you'll instinctively think of Genesis chapter 2, 1 Corinthians 11, some portions maybe in Titus, and also Ephesians chapter 5. If you think of the sexual aspects of marriage, you'll immediately think of Genesis 1, Genesis 2, Proverbs 5, the Song of Solomon, 1 Corinthians chapter 7. If you're thinking of children,

5:06 you'll immediately think of Ephesians chapter 6, some of these other portions. Now, that's one aspect of my purpose. Second is this, to seek to convey to you a realistic overview of what is involved in working toward a God-honoring, mutually fulfilling marriage. Now, listen to my words.

5:27 To try to convey to you a realistic, not a romantic, nor an idealistic, but a realistic overview. Just catching the high points of what's involved in working, and I've used the word purposely. Not drifting into a God-honoring, mutually satisfying marriage. Not discovering a God-honoring, mutually satisfying marriage, but working at a God-honoring, mutually satisfying marriage.

5:59 You can mark it. You can mark it down as an indisputable fact that whenever you see a marriage that is bringing glory to God and true fulfillment to both partners in that marriage, somebody's worked and worked hard. There may have been no blood involved in it, but there's been sweat and there's been tears. Mental sweat, spiritual sweat, tears of joy, tears of heartbreak.

6:26 And if I can accomplish nothing other than to give you this realistic view of what's involved in working toward a God-honoring, mutually fulfilling marriage, if I'm involved in two people working towards such a goal, then I'll feel the time has been well spent. And then the third part of my purpose is to expose the potential problem areas in developing such a marriage. Now, each one of you brings to your marriage some very helpful assets and some very dangerous liabilities. And the problem is you usually don't know what those liabilities are until you're married.

7:00 And tragedy, I'm not going to tell you what those liabilities are. Tragedies, you really don't know what those liabilities are in your partner until you're married to him or to her. It's marriage and the constant pressure of the total intimacy of marriage. Two people living together, sharing life together.

7:15 That is the pressure which brings to the surface many things that you don't know about each other now. I don't care if you've been courting for 223 years and 17 days. You still don't know someone until you're married to them and begin to live with them. You don't.

7:29 So I hope, I hope that the things we share will expose you to some of the potential problem areas so that as you enter marriage, you won't be disillusioned and shattered when they come to light. And then the fourth aspect of my purpose in a positive way is to encourage openness and transparency in facing all of the areas involved in establishing a God-honoring marriage. To encourage a spirit of openness and transparency. We're going to talk about that in a moment.

8:00 We're going to talk about that in a moment. We're going to talk about that in a moment. We're going to talk about that in a moment. We're going to talk about that in a moment.

8:00 We're going to talk very frankly about the problems connected with living together. We're going to talk, I trust, in a very transparent way concerning the various dimensions of marriage. And my concern is that somehow as a result of this, you'll realize that it is both wholesome and in our own best interest to be open and transparent before God and before those to whom it is proper to be open concerning all of the dimensions, all of the dimensions of the marriage experience. All right?

Introductory Issues: Perspective of Our Approach

8:33 So much now for my statement of purpose. That's the first introductory issue. Now the second introductory issue is a statement regarding the perspective of our approach. How am I approaching these particular goals?

8:49 I've laid before you what my purpose is. Now how shall I approach that? With what set of glasses am I looking at these issues? Am I going to do it on the basis of my own experience?

9:02 Am I going to do it on the basis of my own opinions? If so, I hope you'd get up and do me the pleasure of walking out. Don't waste your time. Marriage is too serious a relationship to be at the mercy of trying to be bullied by somebody else's opinions or experience.

9:21 The perspective from which I will attempt to approach this subject can best be set forth under four propositions. Proposition one. Everything I say concerning marriage shares this perspective. Number one.

9:36 Marriage is an institution. Marriage as an institution has been established by the God of creation. Marriage as an institution has been established by the God of creation. Where did we ever get the idea that one man should commit himself to one woman and one woman to one man in a monogamous relationship and that for life?

10:01 Now where did we get that idea? Well, there are many. There are many sociologists today who are telling us it was simply an accident in the evolutionary process. There were certain pressures brought to bear upon man in the stages of his development which necessitated this relationship.

10:18 But, according to the evolutionary theory, man is ever progressing. His circumstances are changing and therefore it is proper to bring into serious question whether or not marriage as an institution now existing one man for one woman and that for another woman and that for life. There are those who are seriously questioning whether this is wise. I heard one man, an intelligent man, after the world's standards, a doctor somebody on one of the talk shows on WOR some months ago, and his thesis in a recently published book is the biggest sociological problem in America today is that we are still trying to operate on that crazy basis of permanent monogamy.

10:59 That is, one man for one woman and that for life. And he says if we can destroy that institution, we'll be well on our way to solving our social ills. Now, he's dead in earnest. He's not some nut standing on the street corner frothing at the mouth, you know, saying, marriage is for the birds, marriage...

11:14 No, no. He's being taken seriously. Well, you see, there's no answer to that unless we view the whole subject of marriage from this perspective. Marriage as an institution has been established by the God of creation.

11:30 And that comes to us in the first two chapters of Genesis with unmistakable clarity. In Genesis 1, we have the summary statement of creation.

11:41 Genesis chapter 1 tells us the various days of creation. And on the sixth day of creation, we read in verse 27, or verse 26, And God said, Let us make man in our image after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air. Verse 27, God created man in his own image. In the image of God, created he him, male and female, created he them, and God blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth, etc.

12:17 Then in chapter 2, God takes what is just included as one facet of his creative work. We have the account of the creation of the physical universe, the stars, the sun, etc. And the creation of man is put as just one act of creation above others. But in chapter 2, because man is the crowning creation, God takes this section out, and he expands it for us, and gives us details concerning that creation that are not given in chapter 1.

12:46 And in those details, we read more specifically the process by which God created man, beginning with verse 4 and following, and then we have the institution of the first marriage, verse 18. And the Lord said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make and help me, or answering to his needs. So you see, this passage sets before us that marriage as an institution was established by the God of creation.

13:19 The creating God said, I will make and help, answering for his needs, or answering to his needs. And then we have the record of how God did it, and when he had created the woman, he brought her to the man, verse 23, and the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife.

13:47 There's monogamy, there's permanence, and they too shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. And here is the record of the God of creation instituting the matter of marriage. Now, everything that I have to say, is from the perspective that this is the fundamental starting point in any proper thinking about marriage.

14:14 We're dealing with an institution that comes to us from God the creator. The second aspect of our perspective is this. Marriage, in its proper function, has been described by the God of revelation. You see, marriage as an institution is established by the God of creation.

14:33 Marriage, in its functions, has been described, has been described by the God of revelation. You see, it was God who spoke to Adam and Eve and told them how they were to function, be fruitful and multiply, indicating his sanction upon the sexual relationship. It was God who said, it's not good for the man to be alone, indicating that it's God's normal pattern that every man should have a woman to complement and to complete him. It was God who said, the woman I have made for the man, so that the God who created now reveals the specific function of that relationship.

15:15 And this, of course, is found all the way through the scriptures with reference to marriage. It is God who tells us that there is to be monogamy. Matthew chapter 19. You remember they came to Jesus?

15:27 The Jews said, and said, look, do we put away a wife for any cause? And he said, no. They said, well, Moses permitted a bill of divorce. And Jesus said, yes, that was an accommodation for the hardness of your heart, but from the beginning it was not so.

15:40 And then he quotes this very passage. The God who made them said, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. And so, as we approach this whole subject, I'm approaching it from the subject that God who made the institution has revealed the proper function of the institution, so that the God of creation is the God of revelation, and he reveals his mind in Holy Scripture. All Scripture is breathed of God and is profitable for doctrine, reproof, correction, instruction in righteousness, 2 Timothy 3 and verse 16.

16:20 Now, the third proposition that forms our perspective is this. Marriage in its present condition is marred by sin. And everything I share with you about marriage is going to reflect this perspective. There was only one perfect marriage, simply because there was only one set, the perfect marriage partners, Adam and Eve.

16:42 You'll have people say, oh, we have the perfect marriage. Well, that may be a little bit of poetic license, but it just ain't so. Because two imperfect people can't make a perfect marriage. It's utterly impossible.

16:56 And I may shatter some romantic notions and prick some romantic balloons, but that's good. Because you see, the real world in which you live and must learn to live as marriage partners is not the dream world, but the romanticist. It's that real world where you're going to live and eat your potatoes and beans together and share the same roof together and the same bed together and the same joys and sorrows. And so we'll never understand the scriptural teaching on marriage unless we put on a set of glasses that has as part of those glasses this third proposition.

17:32 Marriage in its present condition is marred by sin. That's why Paul has to say to husbands in Colossians 3.19, Husbands, be not bitter against your wives. Why?

17:45 He realized marriage was marred by sin and wives at times could do things that could cause men to become bitter. That's why he has to say to fathers, don't provoke your children to wrath. Sin will cause us to abuse our authority. And the Bible everywhere in speaking to the issue of marriage speaks to it on the assumption that marriage is marred by sin.

18:10 And then the fourth, proposition that forms our perspective is that marriage in its present condition needs the power of Christ's redemption. Marriage in its present condition, that is marred by sin, needs the power of Christ's redemption. It is only as the redemptive work of Christ is present that the sinful elements in the marriage partners can be so rendered neutral or overcome that the marriage can be a marriage that will bring glory to God. That's why when the Apostle Paul is talking about marriage, he's always switching between husbands and wives and Christ and his people.

18:54 He recognizes that unless the truth of redemption, Christ's work for sinful men, pervades our whole thinking and our whole experience of marriage, our marriage is not going to be what God would have it to be. Now, I am not saying that there are no happy marriages among people who are not Christians. God, in common grace, has given to some non-Christians wonderful marriages. But, the level of that communion at best is very low because it lacks the most essential dimension, common communion with and fellowship with Jesus Christ the Lord.

19:34 So, everything I share with you, if you wonder, well, why in the world is he approaching it that way? Well, you'll know why. These four things comprise the perspective with which I'm looking at the subject of marriage. Instituted by the God of creation, its proper function described by the God of revelation, its present condition marred by sin, its present condition desperately needing the power of redemption.

Introductory Issues: Personal Demands and Areas to Cover

20:00 All right? So, that's the second aspect of our introductory issues. I've given a statement of purpose, now a statement of perspective, now, thirdly, a statement, and this will be very brief, concerning the personal demands of our study. As in every area of biblical instruction, it's not enough for you to hear what you ought to hear.

20:18 For we're reminded in James chapter 1, verses 22 to 25, be ye not hearers of the word only, but be ye doers of the same. And so, the demand upon you is not to sit there and look interested, and then when I touch in the nice sensitive areas to get a nice bushy look and look at each other and squeeze each other's hands and, you know, just feel a nice, nice glow, that's all right and good. In my 20th year of marriage, I still get the glow. I still kiss my wife goodbye when I go out, like I did tonight.

20:50 And I hope to be doing it after I've been married 50 years, if the Lord gives us that. But you see, the proof of the pudding's in the eater. And it's not enough to know what the word of God says about the role of a wife and a husband. There must be implementation.

21:03 You remember what Jesus said at the close of the Sermon on the Mount? Whoever hears my saying and does them not, I will liken to a foolish man who built his house upon the sand. But whoever hears and does them, I will liken him to a wise man. So the demand upon you is not only to be a careful listener, but a diligent doer.

21:24 And it's in the doing that we are driven to the Lord. When you see here's a biblical standard and you set out to fulfill it and you come to the conviction, Lord, I just don't have the strength. Lord, that's contrary to me. That's not like me.

21:38 God says, good, I found you out. Now you cry to me and I'll give you grace. I'll give you grace to make you unlike what you are by nature. Whereas if you just sit back and say, oh, that's nice, that's good.

21:47 You see, we don't sense the depth of our need until we take seriously obedience to the revealed will of God. Well, just that brief word about the personal demands. Now, the final word of our introductory issues. What will be the particular areas that I propose to cover with you?

22:03 Well, they are set.

22:06 And we'll start tonight with the first one. And that is the respective roles. What is the role of a husband? What is the role of a wife?

22:15 And then after dealing with the roles, God willing, in our next session, we'll deal with marital adjustment, marital communication, the place of the in-laws so they don't become outlaws. And if we have time, just a word about finances. And then the final two areas will be the sexual aspects of marriage and children and family life. Now, at various points along the way where of necessity I shall only have to be, I shall have to be very brief, I will try to inject some bibliography to suggest certain books that will be helpful and also certain tapes that are available in our own tape library that I trust will be helpful.

22:56 For remember, when I stated my overall purpose, it was to give a broad overview, to acquaint you with the basic areas, not to be comprehensive and detailed in every area. All right? Now, with my introductory issues behind me, let's move to consider together the respective roles of husband and wife. That's main area number one.

Distinction Between Individual Position and Relational Function

23:19 The respective roles of husband and wife. And the moment we come to consider this matter of the roles, it is essential to understand that when we talk about the role of a husband and a wife in marriage, we are not talking about their position before God as individuals.

23:43 We are talking about their function within a relationship. And if we don't get that straight, we'll never sort out the biblical teaching. And many people are just running around in circles like chickens with their head cut off, making no sense of the biblical materials because they haven't made the distinction. Let's see if I can just illustrate it.

24:03 I put a circle on the board. Now, within that circle, I've drawn a man and a woman. Now, they stand, as we know, now see them, simply as two individuals before God. Now, as individuals before God, there is absolute identity in terms of the basic matters relative to their humanity.

24:32 And I'll mention what those are. But the moment we have them join hands and they put a ring on their finger and they now have become husband and wife, we must not only consider what they are as individuals before God, but what are they to be towards one another by the direction of God. We're not now talking about individual dignity or position before God. We're talking about their function in relationship to each other within marriage.

25:03 And you see, those are two different things. As individuals, Genesis 1 said, in the beginning, he created the male and female. Male and female created he them. Now, that was after saying, let us make man in our image.

25:19 The woman is equally an image bearer with the man. She shares in all the dignity of being a creature made in the image of God. She's not one less dignified as an individual. Secondly, they're absolutely identical in their share in the sin of Adam.

25:37 The Bible nowhere says, as in Adam, all women die. Or as in Adam, all men die. It simply says, as in Adam, all die. Wherefore, by one man, sin entered into the world and death passed upon all men for that all sin.

25:52 So we share equally, not only in the dignity of creation, but in the shame of the fall. And nowhere does the Bible say that men are more depraved than women or women than men. Now, there are times when, for sure, you may think so. Especially, men think that women have some special depravity when it comes to driving a car.

26:10 So we hear about women drivers. Well, it just isn't so. Equal in depravity, and then, of course, thirdly, they are equal in the redemptive privileges in Jesus Christ. Galatians 3.

26:23 In Christ there is neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek, bond nor free. Ye are one man in Christ Jesus. So, when we begin to talk about function, and we say that God has assigned a specific function for the woman, God has assigned a specific function for the man, we are not saying that these functions, these functions imply inherent superiority of one over the other, or the inferiority of one to the other. And you see, the whole present family movement just does not understand this.

26:57 Well, of course, it wouldn't. It's rejected the biblical norms. All right? So, you see, we're talking about two different things.

The Role of the Husband: What He Is To Be

27:03 We're talking now about the respective functions, the roles that God has assigned to the man and to the woman who are now husband and wife. All right? Usually, we assume a man is first, but I'm going to start with the men because I think it's as we see the role of the husband, we shall understand more fully the function and role of the wife. And let me say for you gals, please, it's important that you listen just as carefully when I'm talking to the fellows about their role as you do when I'm talking about yours because what you expect of your husband should be parallel to what he is seeking to be.

27:41 You see, if you expect something he's not seeking to be, you've got tension. Right? And if you're satisfied with him being something less than what he ought to be, he's just sinner enough to be content with the same himself. So, lest your expectations go beyond or fall short of what the scripture says, you listen as carefully as though the words were being directed to you.

28:03 All right? Under the first Roman numeral then, the respective roles, big letter A, the role of the husband, what is it? And the order in which I share these things, has no real significance. I tried to see if there was any order that would be significant where I could start with lesser and move to greater or greater and move to lesser.

28:26 And I said, no, that's tacky business. So, what we're doing is we're looking at the various roles like pieces in a pie and we're just taking them at random. Okay? And I wouldn't dare to say which one's more important than the other because they're all tied together.

28:41 All right? The first aspect then of the husband's responsibilities, his roles, he is to be the main material provider. Now, where do we learn this? Well, way back in Genesis.

28:54 In chapter 3, after Adam and Eve have sinned and God comes to reckon with them and to deal with them and to pronounce upon them certain judgments for their sin as well as to deal with them in grace and promise a Redeemer, he said that the main area in which sin would manifest its just deserts to Eve were in the area of her role as a child bearer and her role in submission to her husband, verse 16. But then he says to the man, and unto Adam he said, because thou hast hearkened to the voice of thy wife and hast eaten of the tree of which I commanded thee, saying thou shalt not eat of it, cursed is the ground for thy sake. In toil shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life. Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth unto thee and thou shalt eat the herb of the field in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread till thou return to the ground for out of it wast thou taken for dust thou art and unto dust shalt thou return. Now it's interesting that God says it is Adam who will see a reluctant earth yield its fruit for the sustenance of his family and God makes it plain at the very outset that the primary function of the woman in this relationship pertains to, her family. Unto the woman he said I will greatly multiply thy pain and conception

30:22 thy desire shall be to thy husband he shall rule over thee and the man's main burden to bear in this sinful disordered society has reference to his task as the main material provider for the relationship. Then in the New Testament we have that very clear text in 1 Timothy chapter 5 in the context Paul is talking about care of the Christian widows and he says in verse 8 but if any provideth not for his own and in the context it means his own widows here's a man who's a professing Christian and has some relatives who are widows and he's indifferent to their need Paul says if he doesn't do this especially those of his own household he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. Now we argue from the lesser to the greater if a man is responsible to provide for widows who are living under his household how much more for the wife to whom he is joined in marriage. So the principle is that the man is the main material provider of those who constitute his household. Now why do I use the qualifying word main material provider?

31:41 For the simple reason that the virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31 seemed at times to use her gift to supplement the family income. Now there is much in Proverbs 31 that may have distinct reference to what she does in providing for her own family. For instance verse 15 she rises while it's night gives food to her household and their tasks to her maiden she considers a field and buys it with the fruit of her hand she plants a vineyard all of this may have distinct reference to her simply being a busy enterprising woman within her own family. But now look carefully please at verse 24 she maketh linen garments and selleth them and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. And of course it's not talking about latex girdles here it's talking about a girdle in the oriental time the waistband that tied everything else together. Now here is a clear case where she was making a little money on the side but now it's obvious that her base of operations for the most part was her home. She had her spinning equipment and everything in her home and she was enterprising enough to organize her time that she could meet all of her domestic responsibilities and still have a little part-time job she was carrying on to help provide for the household.

33:05 But the main material provider is to be the husband. Now if anyone says he is to be the exclusive I believe he'd run into problems with this passage in which the writer is extolling the virtues of this woman. All right? The second aspect of the husband's role moving from main material provider he is to be the general administrator of the household.

33:29 Now Ephesians chapter 5 is the clearest passage on this. Ephesians chapter 5 we are told in verse 23 for the husband is now not he ought to be he may be if he gains the consent of his wife no it's just a statement of fact the husband is the head of the wife as the wife is. Christ also is the head of the church being himself the savior of the body. Now there is a parallel between Christ's headship over the church not an equal a parallel Christ and the church the husband and the wife as Christ is head over the church so the husband is head over his wife. Now there are many aspects of that headship and we'll touch on some of them subsequently but certainly in one area where Christ is clearly head over his church is this matter he is the administrator of all the affairs of his church. That's why we recoil in horror from the doctrine of Rome that the Pope is the vicar of Christ as though he stands in the room of Christ to administer the affairs of Christ. No, no.

34:43 Christ alone is head of the church. That's why Paul in giving requirements for spiritual leaders says in 1 Timothy chapter 3 that the man who would become a spiritual leader must be one verse 5 who rules his own house verse 4 one that ruleth well his own house verse 5 if a man knows not how to rule his own house now rule does not mean tyranny but it means positive administration of the affairs of that household so even in the matter of children Ephesians 6 4 fathers nurture your children in the chastening and admonition of the Lord in the Ten Commandments remember the Fourth Commandment God says remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy then he says in it thou shalt do no work nor thy sons nor thy daughters nor the strangers that are within thy gate indicating that the man the husband the father is to be the general administrator of all of the affairs of that household it does not mean that he sits in front of a TV with his glass of beer and his feet up on a hassock and once in a while bark orders and when anybody doesn't snap to and throw a salute and do it say I'm the head of this place no no no no it means the general administrator of all the affairs of the household now he may not actually carry out all the details

36:11 but he is general administrator now you know what the word administrator means right it may mean that his wife handles figures better than he does so she will agree to take on the job of making out the monthly bills but he administers you see that particular responsibility there may be many aspects where the wife is more competent fine let her use her gifts but he is never to relinquish his posture as general administrator the moment he does he misrepresents the most sacred relationship under heaven that which exists between Christ and the church the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church alright thirdly the husband's role is not only that of the main provider general administrator but he is to be the companion confidant and best friend of his wife and children he is to be the companion confidant and best friend of his wife and children first Peter chapter three has a beautiful word for us as husbands it says in first Peter chapter three and remember Peter himself was married Jesus healed his mother-in-law and his wife in the gospels and Paul speaks of the apostles who lead about a wife and mentions Peter now he says in first Peter chapter three concerning husbands verse seven ye husbands in like manner dwell

37:40 with your wives according to knowledge giving honor unto the woman dwell with her give honor unto her I go back to Genesis chapter two and verse twenty-six again for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife be closely attached to his wife it doesn't say he shall leave father and mother and go to bed with his wife no it says he shall cleave to his wife that is to a whole person now what is his wife is she some kind of a mindless doll what did God bring to Adam what did he bring to Adam the typical dumb blonde some bombshell who had it all put together in the right places but no mind no desire to think no no he brought to Adam a thinking loving feeling sensitive creature who could hold communion with God who could appreciate his world and now God says Adam you are to cleave to that whole person so that you become to her life's dearest friend confidant and companion now that's what you guys are to be to those young women sitting next to you and any woman who cannot say my husband is my best friend I feel sorry for her any woman who cannot say my husband is my most trusted counselor my husband is my most sensitive

39:07 ear to listen to me that's what a wife ought to be able to say to a husband that's why Paul could say in Ephesians 5 husbands you're to be like Christ and what does Christ do to his church he uses two very tender words he nourishes and he cherishes his church that's the picture of a mother holding a baby to her breast nourishing it and that's nourishing it tenderly warmly affectionately supplying its needs he says husbands you do to your wives what Christ does to the church nourish them and cherish them their spiritual intellectual emotional physical needs you're to be sensitive to all of those needs you're to be her companion her confidant her most sensitive friend and you're to be that to your children as well because there's only two places in the New Testament where that word is used that word nourish is used it's used in Ephesians 5 and then in chapter 6 fathers nourish your children I pity the child whose closest friend is not friends or not mom and dad and tragedy of tragedies there are precious few homes where that's true in our day it would break my heart if my son had a closer friend than his dad if my daughters felt they had a closer friend than their mom it would be a tragedy

40:36 and the reason that tragedy exists on every hand is because men have simply not faced that this is their role this is not something effeminate this is not something to push off on the mother this is our responsibility and our privilege well the fourth part of his role he is to be his wife's sensitive willing lover in the purest most sanctified sense of that word in 1st Corinthians chapter 7 is the key passage in the scriptures concerning this the apostle Paul writing to husbands and wives says in verse 3 of 1st Corinthians 7 the husband should render unto the wife her due and likewise the wife unto the husband the wife hath not power over her own body but the husband and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body but the wife you see what he's saying he's saying you husbands are to look upon yourselves in your masculine sexual capacity as existing as a sexual creature you exist to fulfill your wife you don't exist simply to run every kind of supercharged feeling over your own sexual capacities that's the perspective that rides the winds in the pages of magazines and books in our day

42:06 no no he says husbands your body doesn't exist for you it exists for your wife it exists for your wife which means you're to be concerned and sensitive to her needs you're to know what those needs are you're to be open and communicative concerning those needs you're to be your wife's willing sensitive lover not the brute that hops into bed every time he gets a whim and thinks only of his own appetites you say that doesn't happen to Christians you don't think so I'd like to have a nickel for all the hours I've spent counseling with couples whose whole sexual experience is shattered because a man thinks the woman exists for him and he exists for himself and they have not caught this biblical concept I have not power over my body Paul says my body exists as a Christian man to fulfill my wife sexually and then the final aspect of your role as a husband is that you are to be the spiritual leader of your wife of the household you are to be the spiritual leader of the household you are to be the prophet in that household the one who seeks to bring the truth of the word of God to bear upon everything that relates to that household Deuteronomy chapter 6

43:34 is a beautiful statement of this verse 7 thou shalt speak of them when thou risest up when thou sittest down when thou walkest by the way God says you husbands you be the instrument to bring to bear upon that household in every aspect of its life and experience what God has said and what a joy it is so often and some of you have had the privilege of this certain things will come up in our household and some will say well so and so is doing this and such and such in the neighborhood have this and do that they say well that's a good piece of information but what's it have to do with us we don't govern this household by what the neighbors do we govern it by the word of God and you husbands that's not the job of the wife that's the responsibility of the heads of the household to be prophets to our household ye fathers nourish your children in the chastening and admonition of the Lord Ephesians 6.4 we as fathers are to be the priests in our home not in any Romish sense that we're a higher order but we're to take the lead in prayer and in bringing our families to God as Job did in Job chapter 1 when he offered up a sacrifice every morning we as fathers and as husbands are to be true priests and we by God's grace are to be kings in our home not tyrants but kings who take the lead and exercise our God-given authority there's a wonderful statement about Abraham in Genesis 18

45:02 verses 16 through 19 in which God commends Abraham for a certain quality Genesis chapter 18 verses 16 to 19 speaking of Abraham verse 18 he should become a great and mighty nation and all the nations of the earth be blessed in him now verse 19 for I have known him for I have known him to the end that he may command his children and his household after him that they may keep the way of the Lord to do righteousness and justice to the end that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he had spoken of him he said I've known him to the end that he will not suggest but that he will command his household now you see you don't need to be a tyrant to take the place of a God-acquainted king as the spiritual leader in the home saying with Joshua as for me and my house we will serve the Lord well Joshua who are you to speak you didn't call a little family caucus you didn't take a little vote that's not very democratic he says no it isn't and the home is not to be run as a democratic society God has placed you as the husband as the spiritual leader now if that's what we are to be men the main material provider general administrator companion confidant and friend of wife and children the wife's willing lover and the wife's willing lover the spiritual leader how are we to perform those functions that's the what

The Role of the Husband: How He Is To Perform His Functions

46:29 how are we to do it and what's the key word when we read Ephesians chapter 5 one word comes over again and again what is that key word love husbands love your wives as Christ also loved the church verse 25 gave himself up for it that he might sanctify it having cleansed it verse 28 even so ought husbands also to love the church also to love their own wives as their own bodies he that loveth his own wife loveth himself for no man ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it even as Christ also the church verse 33 nevertheless do ye also severally love each one his own wife even as himself it's not enough that we know what we are to do in our role we must understand how we are to perform those functions and in a nutshell God's directed to husbands is to perform those functions in the sensitive self-denying love wherewith Christ has loved his church now let me ask you girls something very very pointed question do you see anything of that kind of love in the young man that's popped the question to you do you think if you review his relationship to you over the past month

47:56 that you know something of how Christ must be loved be tender and sensitive and concerned for his church because of the sensitive tender concern you've seen in the one to whom you're going to be joined in marriage if you haven't seen that in courtship what makes you think it's suddenly going to crop out in marriage you see you bring nothing into your marriage but what you bring to your wedding day and you bring nothing to your wedding day but what you've had in your courtship and young men who are insensitive and self-centered courtiers become even worse in their self-centered insensitivity as husbands for if ever the best foot will be forward while you're still a product or a commodity I shouldn't say product a commodity the possession of which is not yet secure right if ever a guy's going to put his best foot forward it's in a period of courtship and you gals better face this honestly and it's never too late to bail out and I say this with judgment day seriousness if you have you have not seen some indications in that young man that he has some idea that these are his roles and he's begun in the present level of the relationship to seek to take on those roles where it is proper and to do so

49:25 with a love that is sensitive selfless sacrificing that reflects a little bit of Christ's love to the church you better think twice about walking down that aisle and saying I do I do because your existence will become a living hell and frankly I don't want the hours it's going to take to try to keep you patched up with some degree of mental and spiritual and emotional sanity and don't have any idea that the glory of the honeymoon will change it in the beautiful wedding day no it doesn't change a thing a self-centered insensitive man will be precisely that after you've had your honeymoon that's a pretty searching question young ladies I don't know if you get married to a man who turns your life into a living hell it won't be because you weren't warned and because someone didn't try earnestly lovingly to get you to reconsider and you men if you really see what your role is you know what it's going to do it's going to send you down in your face before God saying Lord how in God's name can I be all those things it's just not in me it's not in me I never read Ephesians 5 but what I'm convicted even though in some little measure I think God has helped me as a husband

50:54 so that I have the respect of my wife and my children every time I read that I say Lord that's beyond me to have a love that reflects Christ's love Lord that's beyond me and God says that's right alright let's move quickly now to the wife and then that'll be all we'll cover for tonight alright what is the main function of the wife well the main function of the wife is set out beautifully in Genesis chapter 2 see how we keep going back to creation I told you my perspective is that of the doctrine of creation so we keep coming back to it and here we find the clearest statement in all of Holy Scripture concerning the main function of the wife verse 18 and the Lord said it is not good that the man should be alone even though God had made the man he was a sinless man he was a man incomplete in his aloneness so God says I will make not an equal to him now remember we're talking about function we're not talking about dignity now don't switch the things I laid the groundwork at the beginning I don't want to have to go back over it all the time he didn't say I will make an equal to him I will make a competitor for him I will make a rival opposite him he said I will make an help meet for him literally a help

The Role of the Wife: Her Main Function and Specific Roles

52:22 answering help and that for a moment where Paul is showing that there is a divine order in the function of the wife the functions between men and women and of men and women he speaks of the headship of the man over the woman and then he says this in verse 8 for the man 1 Corinthians 11 8 for the man is not of the woman but the woman of the man you see God didn't make woman and then take a rib from the woman and make a man people say you don't believe that ridiculous story of course I do why did God need to take her my friends God has good reasons and wise reasons for doing what if he can speak galaxies into being he could have spoke a woman into being but he wanted to teach something and Paul is picking up that lesson he says now the man was not made of the woman but the woman of the man for neither was the man created for the woman God didn't say having made the woman it's not good that she should be alone I'll make a help answering to her but he said it was the other way around the woman was made for the man now again there are a few things that are not made for the man that will set women in a rage and you know want to even go to the civil liberties union and have me tarred and feathered or something else than to assert that a woman is made for the man that's the trample on her oh no my friend listen that's not trampling on her dignity that's the glory of her dignity think of it

53:51 man made in the image of God straight from the hand of God he's incomplete until God makes a woman and as Dwight Harvey Small says in his book designed for Christian marriage that's the glory of womanhood even a sinless man is not complete until God brings Eve but that's also a reminder to the woman of what her true function is now the man can say this is wonderful think of it God made a woman for me but it's humbling I'm incomplete without her so it's both the glory and the humiliation of being a man that God would be concerned enough about me to make a help answering to my need unless I think I'm so almighty smart it reminds me I'm not complete without her and it's both the glory and the humility of a woman's position to remember none but I can fill that need in my Adam but God has made me to answer to his needs and therein is the glory of my function now that's the general statement now specifically what does that mean when you get out of the theory of it into the nitty gritty well very quickly she is to be of course her husband's closest companion confidant and friend I will make in health answering to his needs and what were his needs you read the context in Genesis 2 he saw the beast he analyzed their functions he gave them names

55:19 suited to their functions but it says there was not found in health answering to his needs why when Adam had been dressing the garden and keeping it and made a new flower arrangement I mean he couldn't go over to the local donkey and go you know and say and it's nice he couldn't communicate he couldn't communicate he couldn't communicate he could talk to the birds and to the stars but no one to share in his joys no one to share in his joys he had this need to communicate to share his joys to share his concerns when he's really weren't saying well where in the world can I put those pansies so that they look good in relationship to those marigolds he had no one to consult with there was no he couldn't go to the local ostrich and get some help from her that's I'm just paraphrasing but that's that's what you read there in Genesis 2 of all the beasts there was found none that answered to his needs and then of course God had made him with these deep longings these deep biological and psychological needs for sexual identity and sexual fulfillment all of these things and God says here's your companion Adam now having brought her to you Adam you cleave to her cleave to her whole person as a thinking reasoning rational creature cleave to her cleave to her and so you wives your function as a help answering to your husband's needs is that of being his closest companion his dearest friend but it means and now we go from the

56:48 sublime not to the ridiculous but to the mundane you're to be a keeper of his home in Titus chapter 2 there is a very very clear word of instruction Paul is telling Titus how he's to give different categories of instruction to various segments of the congregation and he says the aged women verse 3 of Titus 2 the aged women are to be reverent in demeanor not slanders nor enslaved to much wine teachers of that which is good now this is what they're to teach what is good teaching here it is that they may train the young women to love their husbands do you know you have to be trained to love now you don't have to be trained to get infatuated you don't have to be trained to have flutters to have flutters of infatuation but you have to be trained how truly to love and he says now the old women are to train the young women how to love their husbands furthermore to love their children well you say that's ridiculous everybody loves their children oh no everybody has a natural affection for their children they don't know how to love that's why you got all these undisciplined brats running around they've never been trained to love the bible says he that loveth his son chasteneth him diligently what about all these parents who don't chasten their children they don't love them they've never been trained to love them they mistook natural almost animal sentiment the same thing that causes a mother cow to nuzzle her little calf

58:16 that's the only tie they have to their kids there's no true principled biblical love so they have to be trained to love their children but furthermore he says to be sober minded chaste workers at home they need to be trained to be workers at home why? because women were no different then than they are now there's nothing glamorous about facing that same stupid dirty coffee mug every single morning nothing glamorous about facing those same forks and knives and pots and pans and dirty sheets and dirty underwears and his stinky socks that he always throws right in the middle of the bedroom floor and he doesn't even put them in a hamper and sprinkle a little deodorant on them same thing day and day anything glamorous about that? no you see a trained donkey could do a lot of this women were no different then than now you notice how again and again in the new testament women are being warned about being busybodies tattlers who go from house to house the tragedy is now you don't need to go out your door you just pick up your phone and do the same thing yes chaste it used to be that a woman to be unchaste had to seek out immoral women to talk with or seek out immoral men now she can just flip on and watch those filthy rotten cereals hour after hour with the theme of adultery and lechery and infidelity as the main stuff of which they're made

59:45 you see women need to be trained to be keepers at home that is to give themselves to keeping a home in a way that is a delight to a husband is a commendation of the gospel to all who come into that home and to learn the glory of doing the mundane day after day now you have to learn that and if some of you gals have had a little taste of careerism it's going to be all the harder to learn it you have to learn it it is now you face it right now there are going to be some days when you're going to run out on the whole shooting match when that comes don't get on the phone and cry to me you go to Titus chapter 2 and get on your knees and say Lord Pastor told me so but I just thought he was whistling Dixie well you'll know that I'm not whistling Dixie this is one of your roles I remember one gal she'd had a real taste of career and I said now what about this matter of your role as a homekeeper oh I'm looking forward to it I said are you really well I think so I said how many hours are you going to spend in your kitchen she said a few I said no no no let's figure it out so I sat down with her and we started working out about 30 to 35 hours a week she said man that's almost a full work I said yeah I said you looking forward she said I'm not so sure we didn't get any further than that in the whole counseling session we got hung up on this one aspect of her role a homekeeper keeper at home there's the role that God has assigned to you thirdly you're to be the executrix that's the female executor and I only know that

61:14 because I've seen it in wills you're the executrix you're the executrix of your husband's directions for the home in other words much of the time he's not actually there to carry out his administration you are his representative that's why the Bible says in Titus chapter in chapter I'm sorry in 1st Timothy chapter 5 in verse 14 an interesting thing and this used to bother me I used to be embarrassed by this as though Paul contradicted himself but then I realized it wasn't that at all I desire that the younger women the widows marry bear children rule the household I said wait a minute the widows marry rule the household I thought the husbands were to rule the household well the husband does but where is he much of the time he's out fulfilling his role as the main material provider so the woman now is to be his executrix carrying out the perspectives that's 1st Timothy 5 and verse 14 carrying out the perspectives that under God they have carried out thrashed out and are seeking to administer to God's glory this is the great responsibility and let me speak from experience if I may here I said I wasn't going to make experience the basis but I didn't say I wouldn't use it to enforce some things as some of you know I have to be away from home quite frequently and conferences and the rest and one of the things that I've always been grateful to God for is I never have to wonder if while I'm away

62:41 the administration of my household will be undermined by my wife so that it would take me a week after I get back to sort things out and get them back on course again the perspectives of discipline the use of time the structure of the home the place of family worship these things are not only my convictions they're my wife's convictions you see and she becomes the representative as it were carrying out that perspective in my absence now that's your responsibility as a wife you're a help answering to your husband's needs how? companion keeper of home executrix of your husband's directives and then fourthly you're to be his willing sensitive and satisfying lover in the purest sense of the word for 1st Corinthians 7 uses the same language for the wife the wife hath not power over her own body but the husband now again you see the bible when people say oh Christianity has hush hushed the sexual it's a lot of baloney there's an ounce of truth now what can be more down to earth than to say to a wife look your body is not your own it's not only the Lord's 1st Corinthians 6 but it is your husband's in the bond of marriage and as a Christian woman with the capacity to render sexual fulfillment to your husband you must regard that body as not your own but your husband's now you see when you've got two people who look upon

64:10 their sexual needs in that way how in the world can sex ever become the basis of hassling in a marriage the basis of exploitation blackmail blackmail well you give me the vacation I want and then I'll be sweet and kindly you see and this goes on in marriage after marriage simply because the role is not faced in the light of the scriptures and then you have that wonderful passage in Proverbs 5 this is what you're to do to your husband all the days of your life in this area writing against the writing the warning his young son or pupil about the dangers of immorality he then says the best cure or prevention to immorality verse 15 drink waters out of thine own cistern and running waters out of thine own well should thy springs be dispersed abroad and streams of water in the streets let them be for thyself alone and not for strangers with thee let thy fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of thy youth as a loving hind and a pleasant doe let her breath satisfy thee at all times and be thou ravished and in the Hebrew this is a vivid word it means be thou go astray be ravished be drunk and be intoxicated with her love that's it now you wives that's part of your role not just on the honeymoon not just before the first couple of kids come and go out of shape and it's easy to stay out no no you're to be this all the days of your life for your husband

65:39 you're to be the one who makes him go astray with your love and if he is he's not going to go looking to be drinking from other fountains the best the best preventive against immorality is a loving satisfying sensitive lover that's what the scripture is saying it's just that practical and just that plain and then there are times fifthly your role will be that of a sharer in the material provisions and since I already looked at Proverbs 31 I won't go back to it but there are times when there may be particularly critical situations when it is proper for the woman to be a sharer in the material provisions now having looked at what you are to be wives how are you to perform it and if the key word to the husband is love what's the key word in scripture to the woman submission Ephesians chapter 5 wives be in submission to your own husbands as unto the Lord 1 Peter chapter 3 wives be in submission to your husbands that even if they obey not the word in other words that submission obtains even where the other partner is not a Christian that is to be your posture one of loving trustful submission to your husband and Paul goes on to say in everything now I don't have time to expound the passage and at this point I want to recommend if you've not listened to the four tapes I have four expositions of Ephesians 5 25

The Role of the Wife: How She Is To Perform Her Functions

67:07 through chapter 6 in verse 4 and it's solid exposition opening up that Ephesians 5 passage every praise in it wives be subject in everything as unto the Lord and we go into all of those details I don't have time to go into it into them now but I just want to underscore that fundamental principle that if the main issue for the how of the husband is love the main issue for the how of the wife is loving trustful submission to their own husbands now I hope I haven't scared all of you right out of cancelling your proposed wedding dates but you see marriage is serious business and it's hard work but next to cultivating your relationship to Christ there is nothing more blessed this side of heaven than working at a marriage within the framework of the word of God and all the pains are more than compensated in the joys that God brings when we're willing to take his directives for our respective roles now who knows best how the man should function than the God who designed the man for a specific role who knows best how the woman should function than the God who designed her and where we just have enough horse sense to say the designer and the creator has our good in view and his own glory

68:36 it will be simple enough to bend his directives then we see the glory the joy the wonder of a home that functions to our fulfillment and to God's glory well let's ask God's blessing shall we upon these thoughts and then we'll have some time to share questions together oh God our Father we thank you that you're the God of creation who instituted marriage the God of revelation who's revealed your will concerning marriage and we acknowledge that we are sinners who need your grace in marriage Lord we thank you for your word oh we bless you for these many portions that we've been able to quote and examine tonight which tell us what we are to be as husbands and wives give us grace not alone to understand but also to do what you have said hear us Lord and seal these things to our understanding for Jesus' sake Amen