Open Forum/Q&A

Introduction to Q&A and Prayer

0:02 How not to foul up the training of your children. This is cassette number 32 in a series given by Pastor Albert N. Martin in the adult Sunday school class of the Trinity Baptist Church on September 29th, 1991. Now as we come this morning to what will be, if we carry on a normal format, our 31st lesson in the subject, how not to foul up the training of our children, I have the basic materials to address what in my understanding is the final major category

0:41 of emphasis in the admonition of Solomon to his son in the book of Proverbs and I am fully prepared to begin to consider with you the biblical witness with reference to the whole matter of the virtues of integrity and uprightness. We find them emphasized again. But in reflecting upon all that we have covered and the few opportunities we've had for questions and discussion and the tremendous benefit that has come the last two weeks with just the seven to ten minutes we've been able to tack on, I judge that perhaps it would be well after going through all of this material

1:23 to have a class period this morning where you would be free to ask questions, to ask clarification. Perhaps to seek amplification or even to give contributions validating some of these things from your own parental experience with reference to all of the material that we've covered thus far. So I am prepared if there are no such questions and contributions to go to the next stage in our study but I have a speaking suspicion as usual we have far more questions and contributions than we have time. But let us ask the Lord that he would direct us and if our edification this morning

2:06 would come in the way of discussion that the Lord would indeed constrain us with questions and contributions in that way if it would better come by straight instruction that we would also know the mind and blessing of God. Let us pray together.

2:27 Our Father, we thank you that once again we can come before your presence believing that you are the living, believing that you are the living, believing that you are the living God whose ear is open to the cry of the righteous. And our Father as we have cried to you in this place week after week for the guidance and the enablement and help of the Holy Spirit, we do believe from the testimony of many of your people that you have owned the teaching of your word to their own personal and domestic profit. We thank you for those families that even now are playing the these tapes to their older children and working through them as matters of discussion.

3:10 We thank you for those who have had in their families little judgment days when confession of sin and failure and the expression of new resolution for obedience in many areas has been expressed at the table and in the living room. We give you thanks our Father for all of these things. And we pray that you would give us the strength to continue to do so. And we pray that you would give us the strength to continue to do so.

3:34 We pray this morning that you will indeed guide us that if there are crucial questions which if addressed and answered from the word of God would result in further edification and usefulness of material already covered, do lead us by your Holy Spirit. We know that whenever we open the class for such interaction that there is even more opportunity for the enemy to come in and take advantage of us. We know that whenever we open the class for such interaction that there is even more opportunity for the enemy to come in and take advantage of us. And we pray that you would keep him at bay, that our time might indeed be unto mutual edification and unto the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Review of Previous Topics: Correction and Admonition

4:15 Bless us then with your gracious presence as together we seek your face through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Now, just briefly, by way of review, to set a framework for questions that might be forthcoming, we spent a number of weeks addressing the whole subject of that first great instrument that God has put in our hands for the nurture of our children, namely, the instrument of godly correction or physical chastisement. And we sought to go to the scriptures and from the scriptures

4:58 to come up with a doctrine of the righteous use of the rod as an instrument of nurturing our children. And that biblical doctrine is as far from the evil of child abuse as heaven is from hell, as light is from darkness. And now, for a number of weeks, we've been concentrating our attention upon the second great instrument God has given us for the nurture of our children, namely, God. Godly admonition, or in the language of Ephesians 6, 4, the admonition which is of the Lord.

5:36 And having dealt with what admonition is as a verbal exercise, taking in its scope, according to the word study we did, everything from authoritative instruction, warning, reproof, rebuke, and counsel, we have then gone to the book of Proverbs and sought to extract from this, this unusual concentration of godly admonition, the major focal points of Solomon's admonition to his son in seeking to admonish him in the Lord. And we've covered seven areas with reference to the whole subject of admonition,

6:20 the matter of seeking to incorporate and inculcate in our children a response to parenthood, the mental instruction, encouraging them to be seekers after wisdom, to receive rebuke and counsel, to recognize and avoid the occasions of moral defilement, the righteous use of their tongues, the cultivation of diligence and industry, and finally, admonitions that would cause them to pursue the noble grace of self-control. The controlling of their own spirits.

Responding to Compliments: Flattery vs. Genuine Praise

7:02 Now, with reference to any of those areas, if there are questions that have been burning in your own mind and heart, or observations arising out of your own parental experience that you believe would be unto edification, you are free to raise your hand if you are a member in this assembly, and I will recognize you, and then you can pose the question, ask for clarification, amplification, make the contribution, etc. All right, are there further questions then arising out of the matters that we have been concerned with over these many weeks? If so, now's the time to raise them. All right, Henry?

7:44 Yes, we may not answer two questions, but you may ask two. All right, fine.

7:54 One question then has to do with helping our children to develop

9:10 both the, I would say, proper psychological and emotional response to compliments, to criticisms, just or unjust, and then how those responses of the heart and mind will find expression in appropriate verbal responses. Now, let's start with what I think is the easiest. We must, if we're teaching the Word of God to our children, we must teach them the difference between flattery and legitimate praise. Praise and compliments.

9:47 And you remember we said that flattery is always self-terminating. People flatter you when they want something from you. Whereas genuine expressions of thanksgiving and praise are not self-terminating, but they terminate on the person involved, even though it may embarrass them a little bit. And so we must try to train our children to recognize the difference in those things and then to give proper both inward, and outward responses.

10:17 For example, if someone comes up to your daughter and happens to notice that she has a new dress, as I try to do at the door, and almost invariably little kids light up when I notice, and not just the little kids, I do this with single women who don't have husbands to notice and express appreciation for their new dress or their new hairstyle. And if you've earned the reputation over many years of not being a flatterer, and a philanderer, but one whose relationship to those of the opposite sex has been above reproach, then you can discreetly express appreciation for that new dress and that new becoming hairstyle, etc.

10:59 Well, with our children, we must teach them that if someone comes up and says, oh, that's a very, very pretty dress you have on, you look lovely in that, what are they to say? Well, you're not to look up and shake the finger and say, God says beware of the flatterer. No. You must not.

11:15 You must not do that. You must teach them that in such cases, they should just make some simple expression as, I'm thankful that you noticed the new dress, and I'm grateful for your compliment. Something like that. In other words, given your child's own personality, you don't want them to do something that will be so out of character that will appear that they pushed a hidden button somewhere, and out is coming a tape of some response that is not them, but is totally foreign.

11:45 So that's why knowing each of your children, some are more naturally loquacious than others, some are more naturally timid, and so we should teach them how to receive legitimate praise and compliments in a gracious way. For the law of God is, Matthew 7, 12, as you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them, for this is the law and the prophets. And you know how it makes, you feel good when not seeking anything from the person. You genuinely want to express delight with them in the new dress they have, in the new pair of shoes, in the new hairstyle, in the new car,

12:30 and you give a compliment. You know you want them to feel comfortable with that compliment and respond in such a way that makes it evident that you haven't put them off, you haven't embarrassed them. Well, as you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. And it is an art to cultivate a proper way of responding to legitimate praise or compliments.

12:56 So we must work with our children and perhaps anticipate some of those more standard things with them and give them a little something to work with. For example, often when people come to me and say, well, here's a situation that I'm not naming names, but, let me give the facts of the framework and I must approach someone about an issue that I'm not quite sure demands rebuke, but if I'm silent about it, I feel I may be culpable if it leads to something that will very evidently be ungodly. How can I approach it? And my little verbal technique is to say, could it be that?

13:36 I do not come as an accuser. I do not come as the mouthpiece of the jury who's heard the case, made a decision, and I come with a verdict. I may be off the wall. I may be totally wrong.

13:48 If so, I'll be glad to have you tell me. But, several weeks ago, in a given situation, this is what I believe I saw. Could it be that I didn't see it right? Will you tell me?

13:59 Is that what I saw? Well, yes. Well, in seeing that, the thought occurred to me, could it be that? Well, you see, when we come with that attitude, someone's got to be very perverse to dig their heels in.

14:11 But if you come in the role of an accuser, why did you do that? Immediately. You put people on their defenses. Do you like to be treated that way?

14:19 As though someone has stuck you in the witness stand and put you under oath, and they're the prosecuting attorney. Do you like it when you're dealt that way? Well, then don't deal with others that way. Well, in the same way, do you like it when you give, albeit perhaps awkwardly expressed, a compliment, and someone throws it back in your face and makes you feel guilty that you ever opened your mouth?

14:40 No. Well, then, as you would that others do unto you, even so, do ye also unto them. And as I say, with the children, maybe instructing them in two or three little formulas that they can use until they feel more comfortable developing their own. For example, if someone compliments them on a new set of shoes, say, yes, I'm thankful that mommy and daddy were able to get me these new shoes and that God has provided for us.

15:08 Teach them a God-centered way. Every good and perfect gift comes down from above. Teach them how to, give a God-centered response to a compliment. If they're praised for some accomplishment, well, you did very well in that play at the school.

15:24 Maybe they had a leading part or maybe they had to quote a poem and you say you did very, very well. Well, how is the child to respond? Well, teach them to respond by saying something along the line. Well, mommy and daddy and all of us prayed that God would help me not to be too nervous and forget my lines and God answered prayer.

15:44 And I'm thankful too. In that way, they've learned how to graciously receive that particular compliment. So, that gives you a basic idea. Is that fundamentally what we were fishing for, Henry?

15:56 Yes. All right. Would someone want to add to that or amplify that? Because I must confess, I didn't give a lot of thought to it after we talked about it, Henry.

Responding to Just Criticism and Rebuke

16:06 I remember you spoke to me and then other things have come in and so I'm sort of responding viscerally to that. We leave that particular question then with regard to how the children should respond to compliments. Now, what about criticism? Now, that's a lot more difficult because we're all naturally self-defensive and righteously self-defensive if we've been wrongly accused.

16:35 If we've been accused wrongly of something and we have a desire to defend our honor, that is not sinful. You'll remember, in fact, it was one of the passages that we'll be dealing with when we come to this matter of integrity after opening up the passages in Proverbs, the classic example of a man who was conscious of his integrity and would not relinquish the confession of that consciousness even though everyone was telling him he was not walking in integrity as Job. But he says, I don't care what you characters say is the answer to why I, as a righteous man, should be suffering the way I'm suffering. One thing I will not relinquish is my integrity.

17:18 Consciousness of my integrity before God. I am walking with integrity before God. It would not have been humility to have said, well, you guys are right. I just must be living the life of a hypocrite and don't know it.

17:32 He clung to his integrity. So, teaching our children to respond to unjust rebuke is more difficult than teaching them to respond to just rebuke. Now, what are they to do when someone points out a fault? Well, hopefully, they will extend to any person who legitimately has the right to point out their fault, be it a teacher, another adult, in the church context, down in the foyer, if it's your kid running around the way he shouldn't and you're not there to keep him in line, then he's fair game for any adult to take him in line.

18:08 And if you don't want any other adult to do that, then don't let him get out of your sight. I feel any child who's misbehaving in a way that is a reproach to Christ, if the parent, is not there to bring him into line in this place, I have a right and a responsibility as an adult to do so. Because it's the testimony of Christ in this place. Nobody's going to know who that kid is if it's a stranger, except it's an unruly kid in Trinity Church.

18:33 And that reflects back upon Trinity Church. And as we'll see in the next hour, one of the responsibilities of elders is to take care of the house of God. And we don't want God's house brought into reproach because some parent either, because of the constraint of some other duty, or through carelessness or selfishness, whatever the reason, good or bad, has left this little waif to be running around treating this place like it were a gymnasium or a madhouse. And so, in those situations, the child may have to be reproved, rebuked, restrained.

19:09 How are they to receive that? Well, we must teach our children. And here we come back, you see, to the law of God. In the larger catechisms, definition of the Fifth Commandment, what is required, what is forbidden.

19:24 One of the requirements in the Fifth Commandment, and I'm paraphrasing here, is respect and submission to every legitimate, constituted authority. Not just parents, they are closest at hand, but to governors, to rulers, teachers, who have a right of nature to give directions to younger people within the sphere of their, their influence, and whose activity comes under the category of unacceptable. You must teach your children that they are fair game for the reproofs and the rebukes of such, and teach them to express thankfulness. For example, you should teach your children

20:08 that if you're running around sometime and conducting yourself in a way you shouldn't in any one of the members, the older people in the church remind you of what you're doing wrong, then you should go to, to them and thank them that they have reminded you, if necessary, and as some of you parents do, frequently. I'd say probably once every other Lord's Day. I have a little kid coming to me whose parent has made him come and confess some wrong done. I didn't realize who it was a couple of weeks ago.

20:40 A little one screamed out in the service and I automatically look exactly the opposite way so it doesn't embarrass the parents or the kid and keeps the attention. Usually wherever the preacher looks, the people will look. And so a parent came with a little one and said, my little one has something to say to you. The little one, Pastor Martin, will you forgive me for screaming in the service?

21:00 I said, well, I didn't know it was you who screamed and I'm glad you've acknowledged that you sinned against God, against His people, and Pastor does forgive you and I'm sure all the other people forgive you. Well, you see, those parents are training that child how to respond to legitimate rebuke in their own parental influence and my experience has generally been the framework of the home will be carried over into other relationships that parallel that of the parent-child relationship so that the child should not only be submissive to that rebuke, but also should express gratitude for it. But now, when they're wrongly accused, what are they to do then?

Responding to Unjust Accusations: Parental Mediation

21:43 Well, as a general rule, this is a matter that should be handled as far as I'm concerned, between the parents. Teach your child that if some parent or some adult, some older single person in the church speaks to them or someone in another situation reproves or rebukes them for something of which they are not guilty, rather than to have the appearance of little brats who are saying, what do you bother me about that? That's not, I didn't do it. And giving the impression of being self-defensive I think is a general rule that is better to be done.

22:20 It's better to be handled through the parent. Encourage your child to come to you. If he or she believes he has been wrongly accused, then by coming to you, you as a parent, you don't go talk to ten other people and say, do you know so-and-so accused my kid of this and they didn't? No, you go directly to the adult and say, my child came to me and told me that in this given situation you've reproved them for this.

22:45 They believe they were innocent. Would you mind sharing with me what you saw? And it just may, well be, your kid is trying to con you. Don't presume your child's innocence simply because he's very quick to speak his innocence because the scripture says they go astray from the womb speaking lies.

23:04 And as Baxter so perceptively points out in his section on counsels against lying, he indicates that in children the major cause of lying is generally to avoid the punishment for a wrong done. And they will try to lie to cover their tracks. So don't take your child's side just because they come to you but having come to you show a spirit of fairness that you are not either going to implement punishment or assume the innocence of your child until you go to that adult and this is especially necessary in the school teacher-pupil relationship. And some of the problems we've had right here among parents

23:49 who use the Trinity Christian School which the Trinity Christian School is a part of. Although not an integral organic part of Trinity Church in the structure and administration of the school because of the interface of the people involved in the school both teachers and parents of children there is a tremendous interfacing. And when a parent presumes that a child rebuked by a teacher who comes running home saying I was innocent and yet my teacher blamed me if you immediately take your child's side you have a very naive view of the world. of the human heart very naive and unbiblical and if you presume then the guilt of the teacher before the teacher has had a chance to defend himself or herself

24:32 you're violating John 7.23 judge not according to appearance but judge righteous judgment and where adults and children are concerned if you're going to presume the innocence or guilt of either party always presume the innocence or guilt in terms of the assessment of the adult and not in terms of the child. Now investigate. Investigate.

24:57 But certainly don't presume the guilt and so you must teach the child that if he's wrongly accused silently if it's a matter that doesn't demand an immediate response if he is accused in spite of his protestations of innocence then encourage the child to come and to speak to you as a parent. Don't tell them just forget it. No. The child, as a sense of injustice and that justice ought to be done in the matter and you don't want to violate that sense of justice.

25:30 That's part of the remains of the image bearing of God and the sin in him will want revenge and that has to be dealt with differently but that sense that justice must be done if I've been wrongly accused that is not ungodly and wrong. You don't want to squelch that in your children. If you do then you'll set them up for the kind of situation we had in one of our sister, churches where grave injustices were being done to the people but they'd been so emotionally and psychologically battered into a state of passive acquiescence that they didn't rise up against that injustice and cry out against it. And so we don't want to create children who would be prey to those who could manipulate them

26:14 and lay false guilt upon them. So it's not a simple thing. And if you as a parent have not really sorted those things out, yourself and are not operating biblically, you're going to find it very difficult to pass on biblical perspectives to your own children in those areas. All right, Henry, do you want to respond to that?

Responding to Verbal and Physical Abuse: Defensive Retreat

26:34 Have you at least given out the major principles and you may want to amplify and have me expand on some of that.

26:43 Well, I think in that situation the best thing to do

27:46 is to teach the child the biblical doctrine of defensive retreat both from physical and verbal abuse from the ungodly. That the Bible has a clear doctrine of defensive retreat. The scripture says when they persecute you in this city, flee to the other. And you remember in the Olivet Discourse, the Lord said when these things come to pass and you see these things occurring, flee to the mountains.

28:14 When Paul found that there was a plot for his life, he made a defensive retreat. One time in the providence of God amidst a whole cohort of soldiers. Other times he was let down over the wall in a basket. When Elijah, though there was an element of unbelieving discouragement, nonetheless when he hears that Jezebel is set to kill him, it would have been presumptuous had he no clear word from God to go marching right up to the royal palace and say, hey, you old painted witch, try to do it.

28:48 That would have been tempting God. And he fled. So there is a biblical doctrine. There is a biblical doctrine of defensive retreat, both from physical and verbal abuse at the hands of the ungodly.

29:02 So in that situation, I would instruct my child, try to instruct our children to leave that situation, to simply turn and walk away, not to say anything. Now if it's a case of physical abuse, that they must strike back as hard and as much as to get the abuser away so they can flee. In this very vexed question that every parent wrestles with, even if you have girls, more so if you have boys, when is it right for them to kick, scream, punch, pull hair, poke somebody in the eyes? Well, according to the sixth commandment, thou shall do no murder.

29:42 And here again, the expansion of the meaning of that is beautifully laid out in the shorter and larger catechisms of the Westminster standards. That that commandment deserves, demands the preservation of human life, including our own. So that if a bully is beating up on someone, you don't tell your kid, turn the other cheek. That's not what the Lord is talking about.

30:09 The Lord is dealing with the spirit of retaliation towards ill treatment. We said if someone strikes you on one cheek, turn the other also. What he's saying is you shouldn't have the spirit of tit for tat, but you should have the spirit of vengeance. But he is not saying stand there and take debilitating physical abuse.

30:31 That would be a violation of the sixth commandment. And only, only when the truth of Christ and confessing Christ demands it are we to violate the sixth commandment. That's the only justification for martyrdom. The only justification for martyrdom is that I would be violating other commands in order to take the ordinary course of the law.

30:54 The only justification for martyrdom is to take the ordinary course of the sixth commandment, which is self-preservation. But if the price for self-preservation is denial of Christ, no. I cannot, I dare not, I must not, for if I deny him, he will deny me. And I'll murder not only my body, but my soul in hell.

31:11 And that will be the grossest form of breaking the sixth commandment. So because it is not true, the little ditty, sticks and stones may break my bones, but names may never hurt me, that simply is not true. So if someone is hurling verbal abuse upon one of your children, teach them. If someone begins to say nasty things to you, turn and walk away.

31:34 If necessary, run away from that person. And there's a beautiful picture you remember in Vanity Fair, as I've indicated, my wife and I are reading through Pilgrim's Progress after a number of years not having done it together. And when they were in Vanity Fair, you remember what? What they did when people were trying to sell their wares, they stuck their fingers in their ears.

31:59 And when they asked them, what would you have? They said, life, life, eternal life, that's the only thing we want to buy. And that simply wasn't offered, and every other kind of wares was, all kinds of wares were being proffered to them, they stuck their fingers in their ears. You may want to encourage your children to do that.

32:17 If they begin to hear foul language, and they're still within earshot, stick their fingers in their ears. They want to shut their eyes, they want to see where they're going, but stick their fingers in their ears, and make tracks, and get away from the person that is verbally abusing them, and seek to show them that that is not cowardly. That is doing what God commands in the preservation of their lives, in not allowing evil people to affect them with their evil words. Because those words could stick in their minds, and in a time of anger and irritation, the very words some of those ungodly kids may have hurled in their ears, could then come to their own minds.

33:00 So my counsel would be to teach your children the doctrine of defensive retreat, both from abusive words, and abusive deeds. And this is where you parents need to be very clear with your children, that anyone who would harm them physically, and gets them in a posture where the only way they can get out of that situation. And he said that they should. As far as the idea of serving children could be concerned, there are two things.

33:30 The first thing, if you'd like to get rid of them, you'd want to be a father. If you've got the words, you'd want to say them out loud, or you wouldn't want to be a mother, just like a mother can. It's a really powerful teaching, but it's important that you learn to do so. And if you don't, then you're not going to be a father, and that's to say that you're going to be a mother yourself.

33:56 and all their other physical faculties to put the abusers at a distance from them. And so you tell them, if the bully gets them in the corner in the school, they're to kick and scratch and holler and do anything possible to get away from the bully. That's their responsibility. And if in the process they gouge his eyes out, they're innocent because they are protecting themselves.

34:22 And that self-protection is a biblical doctrine. Men and women must teach that doctrine to your sons and daughters. You tell them. They don't care who it is.

34:34 If it is a school teacher, if it is their gym teacher, if it is some lovely guy on the block who's taught them how to plant flowers and all this, no matter who it is, any person puts hands on their privates. They're to holler at him and run and kick. You must teach your children. That's their responsibility to do so.

35:03 That even if preachers should do it. How? How much of this child abuse that's coming to light, sexual child abuse in church relations would have been avoided if parents had taught their kids. Look, no one, including preachers, has any right to touch your privates.

35:21 Anyone gets you in a situation where they attempt to, you holler at you and swing and squat. And if your child murdered the person in the event, they would be innocent before God and before the court of the law. You better teach them that. That's our responsibility.

35:44 This idea that if we're Christ-like, we just roll over and play dead, that is not taught in the Word of God. And it's not exemplified in the Word of God. And therefore, there is a proper doctrine of self-defense, both from abusive speech and also from abusive physical behavior. All right?

Avoiding Litigation and Seeking Just Compensation

36:08 Anyone want any further amplification on that? Yes. Mike?

36:12 I would say that the teaching is,

37:04 according to Matthew chapter 5, the child of God should avoid litigation unless it's absolutely necessary for the righteous defense of life or righteous compensation for damage done. But our present situation with all kinds of liability insurance money sitting there with dollar signs and then rotten, stinking, covetous lawyers, and I'm not saying all lawyers are rotten, stinking, covetous people. There are good, noble lawyers in common, in common grace and special grace. But when they advertise, do you think you have been wronged, etc.,

37:42 contact us. We've developed such a litigious atmosphere that everybody's scared to death of getting sued for everything. And Jesus made it very plain. He says, Agree with thine adversary while thou art in the way with him, lest haply the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.

38:06 You shall no means come out thence till you've paid the last farthing. In the whole context of dealing with the matter of interpersonal relationships, the implications of the Sixth Commandment, where he talks about brethren being reconciled before they worship, he even says it has an application to your adversaries, and that is, wherever possible, take the lowest road of pacifying the adversary without pressing it to litigation. So I would say in that situation, you ought to speak to your neighbor and say, as far as I can see, the doctors indicated there's no permanent damage. I want you to know I'm not going to be pressing any kind of charges.

38:47 However, should there be some subsequent indications, clear indications, medical indications, I don't feel those things should come out of my pocket, but I want to inform you that I will be taking the steps to make sure they come out of your pocket and just inform them as such. And it might not hurt in a case like that to have some simple document drawn up and properly signed so that you don't end up again wasting all kinds of time and money in a law-involved lawsuit. And here again, there was a time, and here's where we see the difference in what's happened in the erosion of common grace. When I grew up, it was understood

39:30 that just compensations would be made. I can remember one time sitting on the corner of the curb there in 95th Street, sitting on the corner of the curb there in 95th Street, 24 Soundview Avenue, Stamford, Connecticut. And one of those times when none of the kids were around on the block to play ball, and I was just sitting on the curb, as vivid as though it were yesterday, taking little pebbles and just throwing them up and hitting them with a stick, just finishing them. I went out to hurt anybody.

39:55 And I wasn't looking, and down the street came a car, and the pebble hit right smack in the middle of the windshield and put a pockmark right smack in the middle of the windshield where there would be a constant bother. So the man pulled over and said, Sonny, did you hit that pebble? I said, yes. He said, I want to talk to your dad.

40:15 So he went right, talked to my father, make a long story short, now you're going to laugh at the price.

40:22 My dad said, you go, get the estimate, what's going to cost to be replaced, come and tell me. Now my dad assumed he'd be honest, and then I'll give you the money. And meanwhile my dad said, and son, you're going to work off every last dime of that for your carelessness. So the man came, my dad gave him $17, and he had his windshield replaced, and I worked like crazy at, what, 30 cents an hour or something doing extra yard work until I paid back the $17 to my dad.

40:52 Well, it was a vital lesson, you see, that though I was not malicious, my carelessness resulted in the detriment of that man's windshield and just compensation had to be made. And I can think of other instances of similar nature where we just had an unofficial court in our neighborhood. And all the parents sat on that court and they adjudicated things and worked things out without everybody suing. And because of it, there was tremendous trust.

41:19 But that's all broken down. I've lived long enough to see that broken down, and it's grievous, grievous. So one of the ways we shine as lights in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation as Christians to show we are not of that litigious spirit. We don't have the spirit that says, I'm going to sue you for every time.

41:39 That's a godless spirit that percolates, through our society. So my counsel, Mike, would be that we should avoid that in the light, particularly of Matthew chapter 5 and the general principle, blessed are the peacemakers. Anybody can start a fight and keep a fight going. But blessed are the peacemakers.

41:58 And if you can establish peace and show a disposition in that that commends the gospel, you're being light and salt in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation. All right?

Navigating Compensation and Righteousness in Disputes

42:31 Yeah. Well, I would say here, again, ask them, do you have the kind of insurance that would cover this? I think it's right and just that your coverage should cover it. In other words, if they have a liability that covers any accidents on their property, that type of thing, then it ought to go through the righteous channels.

42:51 Or if it's an 80% major medical coverage and you have to pay 20%, I think it's perfectly right for you to go to them and say, this is what this has cost me. Show them the bill and say, I'm not asking for a dime. But I would appreciate it if you would pay this amount since this is the fruit of your son's self-confessed activity. And we're helping them to teach the biblical principles of righteousness, what the old Westminster Confession calls the general equity of the Mosaic legislation.

43:22 And that was, if you knocked out a man's tooth, you got your tooth knocked out. There was just and equal compensation. There wasn't thousand-fold compensation. I mean, that's what's so ludicrous.

43:34 Like this character that in seeking to track down that criminal, the computer made a mistake. So computers make mistakes because the people that make them then feed the information and make mistakes. To her, it's human. It's right.

43:49 That's true. And so he's suing for, how many million is it? 400 million or something? I don't know.

43:56 It's millions. 400,000 or 2 million or something for the psychological trauma of having his name plastered in one of the major New York papers for a day or two. Now, they were careful to go back and rescind it and all the rest, but obviously, obviously, some lawyer got in his ear and said, hey, you and I can make a lot of bucks here and between us, you know, we can get a million each. And then because that is the spirit, the people that sit in and adjudicate as juries in these things, they give these exorbitant awards and that whole spirit just continues to multiply and multiply until every man is suspicious of his brother and no one trusts anyone and wonder what are you out to do to get me and to nail me

44:40 because down underneath they have the attitude I'll get you and nail you if I can. So I'd say again, just compensation, but if they won't give it, don't fight over it. What's 20 bucks? Agree with your adversary.

44:54 Say, now, I believe it's unrighteous that you're not doing this, but because I'm a Christian and I don't want to foster a running battle with you, my neighbor, I'm going to pay that. And use it as an opportunity to bear witness to your faith in Christ. Say, I could rub this under your nose if I wanted to, and I know I could, but I choose not to for the sake of Christ and the testimony of the gospel. And then we're using that opportunity to show that we're activated by something else because that difference is not going to keep you from fulfilling your other obligations.

45:27 Now, for something that ran up into hundreds or thousands of dollars, you might desire as a Christian to fulfill your other obligations. Forget it and just sweep it under the rug. But you would be irresponsible. You might not be able to make your mortgage payment next month.

45:40 You see? And in that case, you've got other principles that enter in and you can't take, quote, the pacifist attitude. You must then press the issue. I can remember this happened with the settling of a dispute with the car that, and one time my wife had an accident.

45:59 It wasn't her fault and the police drew up the report. It was a clearly established fault. With the other party. Well, when the insurance company came out and they took a picture and gave an estimate and the rest, they then wanted to settle for exactly half the amount.

46:16 And I said, no way. I said, your client was at fault. The police said it's fault. And it was only when I threatened a letter, in fact, sent one, either to the Better Business Bureau or a small claim store and the carbon copy by return mail, I had exactly double what they wanted to settle with.

46:32 They've, I don't want to make a dime on this. If you want to have your man come and take the car, take it to a repair shop, so long as it satisfies me that the car looks and operates the way it did before your client banged it to prove that I'm not trying to make a dime on this, but I want righteousness done and righteousness will be done. And I was ready to press that because I felt here was an issue of righteousness and the 500 or some odd dollars involved. I didn't have that kind of money.

47:02 I couldn't say for the sake of Christ in the gospel, I'm going to forget. Even though you're guilty, I'm not going to press it. It would have been an irresponsible taking of the stewardship of that money and allowing it to be unrighteously channeled in another direction. So in those matters, we need to remember there's more involved than just the one circle of the issue that is before us.

Deferring Questions on Occult and New Age

47:28 Yes? What about the...

47:39 Yeah. I would say that's getting out of the realm of our discussion here and the dealing with our children. All right? That's a...

47:46 That's a big question and that's worthy of being discussed some other time. All right? In another forum. Okay?

47:52 Let's try to keep it in the general realm of matters with our children. All right? Now, Henry's second question. Henry, can we hold off on that because I'm very reluctant to just shoot from the hip on a question like that that has such magnitude and hopefully, as you'll see in the letter that I dictated this week, I do plan, as the elders deem it wise, to address some of this issue.

48:16 Some of these issues in some forum with regard to the whole New Age movement and the occult and the rest, but I'd be very reluctant to just shoot from the hip on that question. All right? With your permission, then, we'll put that one on the shelf. Good.

Concluding Remarks and Prayer

48:32 All right. Further questions now on any of the matters we've touched in the area of the admonition of our children. Oh, oh. Someone just went like this.

48:42 Very good, because I glanced down and I saw the... It's the alarm...

48:46 It's the alarm hand that's at what would be 17 after. Thank you, Pete. I caught you. Glass is gone.

48:53 Someone took me seriously. A few weeks ago, for those of you visiting with us, I said I'm trying desperately to be more conscious of the time, and if I forget it and don't look at it and run over some of you and go like this. So I just saw someone go like that. Thank you, Pete.

49:07 You took the exhortation and helped. Let's pray.

49:13 You have been listening to How Not to Foul Up the Training of Your Children by Pastor Albert N. Martin. These cassettes are distributed by the Trinity Book Service. If you would like a free listing of other audio cassettes and books, please call us at 1-800-722-3584.

49:30 Or if you prefer, you can write us at the Trinity Book Service, Post Office Box 569, Montville, New Jersey 07045.